Jason Good

The Wrong Rock

Jason Good — Wed, 08 May 2013 16:23:39 +0000

Saturday morning was crisp. The skies were blue and the sun had already dried the dew from the grass where Arlo and I sat to watch Silas’ T-ball game. On our walk from the car to the field, Arlo had collected two small rocks, which, in case you didn’t know, are religious artifacts to three year-old boys. They’re worshipped, clutched and squeezed like a rosary in the hand of a dying Saint. But the toddler is also easily distracted by birds, the position of his shirt, and interesting leaves. Continue...

Arlo Interviews The Honest Toddler

Jason Good — Thu, 02 May 2013 17:53:38 +0000

I received an email this morning from SayYesToPixieStix@PantsOptional.org containing a transcript of my three year old son, Arlo, interviewing The Honest Toddler. As you might imagine, it gets pretty deep. I’ve copied it here, unedited.

—BEGIN TRANSCRIPT—

Arlo: Any idea why my mom can’t make a sandwich while driving?
The Honest Toddler (HT): Maybe she didn’t hear you- ask again (louder). Don’t rule out that she dislikes you intensely and wants to see you suffer.

Arlo: How many books do they read to you at night? Continue...

Three Simple Rules For Internet Commenters

Jason Good — Wed, 24 Apr 2013 18:24:05 +0000

Most of the comments I get on my blog and writing on other sites are very nice and I love them. But a very small percentage are just impossibly ridiculous and annoying. I think if we all followed these rules, everyone would be better off and I could cut my Prozac dose in half.

1. Don’t Brag

It’s cool that you taught your non hearing impaired kid sign language (just for kicks), but please, for the love of Christ, Muhammed, and any Moon Diety I’ve forgotten, keep it to yourself. Continue...

Fridays are the New Mondays

Jason Good — Fri, 19 Apr 2013 19:29:03 +0000

During my high school years, Sunday evenings triggered a festering pit of dread in my gut. My father would turn on 60 Minutes only to find that the “goddamn football game” wasn’t over yet. It was as predictable as the fact that the next morning would bring a new week of school, requiring me to wake up too early, only to fall asleep in geometry class, and awaken 40 minutes later with my cheek resting next to a shimmering pool of desk drool. Continue...

How Not to be Funny

Jason Good — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 21:24:13 +0000

I have an adult sense of humor. I’m sarcastic, ironic and overly specific. I use a lot of similes and I can be a dick sometimes. Each of these specialties is completely lost on my children. They respond to sarcasm like a moose trying to figure out if a Skittle is food: a little curiosity and fear, dusted with suspicion and frustration.

Twelve minutes into a 15 minute car ride, my five year old asked (for the eighth time), how much longer it was going to take to get to the zoo. Continue...

That’s Not Where Snot Goes

Jason Good — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 02:14:14 +0000

Here’s something I learned: I can only ask, “Do you need a Kleenex?” 17 times within a four hour period before I give up. Arlo inherited a clean nose obsession from me. If I feel anything clinging or flapping around in there like a sad little prisoner, I can do nothing else until I free it. Usually I blow it into a Kleenex, but sometimes I pick my nose because I’m a grown-ass man who can do whatever he wants while sitting at a red light or standing in line at the pharmacy. Continue...

Beware of Sincerity

Jason Good — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 17:50:41 +0000

I recently saw someone preface a Facebook post with, “Hey, sorry for the sincerity, but”… [insert important and personal message about the dangers of texting and driving].

That’s odd, I thought; aren’t we all supposed to be sincere — that is, to be true to ourselves and effectively communicate that which we deem personally or culturally relevant and important?

I don’t place any blame on the Facebook user here; in fact, I appreciate the honesty of her disclaimer. It was as if she’d grown so tired of wrapping her passion in irony that she simply stopped trying. Continue...

The Divide and Conquer Technique

Jason Good — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 20:17:06 +0000

The beauty of domestic bliss is that it’s so elusive. Our family is usually at its most dysfunctional when all four of us are together. My wife and I try to discuss important “grown-up stuff,” which the kids react to as if it were a level-4 biohazard that can only be neutralized via obnoxious singing and fights over crackers. And it works: we stop talking to each other and start speaking tersely to them about being patient and waiting for us to complete our conversation about getting the gutters cleaned before demanding that we referee a snack dispute. Continue...

Parenting: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures

Jason Good — Thu, 28 Mar 2013 14:53:12 +0000

I was lucky enough to get an advance copy of Amber Dusick’s book, Parenting: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures, and well…I’m not surprised that it’s hilarious. What I love about this book the most, though, it how real it is. Amber (Crappy Mama) doesn’t hold anything back, and the result is therapeutic. If you have young kids, you will see yourself in many, if not all, of these stories. You’ll be laughing and nodding and probably crying, and maybe even wondering why Amber never took a Microsoft Paint class. Continue...

College is Optional, Kid

Jason Good — Tue, 26 Mar 2013 18:03:19 +0000

Yesterday, Silas (5), asked me, “Daddy, do I have to go to college?” Without any hesitation, I responded, “Nah. You don’t have to.” Lindsay offered some clarification from the kitchen, “It depends on what you want to study.”

“Well, if I don’t want to do science, can I not go to college?”

“There are a lot of different things you can do at college besides science,” she answered. Meanwhile, I’m thinking. “Why the hell are we talking about college? He’s five.”

I continued with my un-nuanced advice, “It’s optional. Continue...