Solitude.

I sink back into my leather office chair and close my eyes. I feel the hard plastic armrests beneath my hands and the cool air blowing on my face. A dog is barking outside, somewhere down the street, yet I savor the momentary blackness I’ve put myself into.

Ah quiet time. Almost. And for a moment, my mind can be at peace.

I’ve been on reflection mode for the past several weeks. I guess turning 30 does that to you. You know that feeling when you just want to stop and think where you are now and where you still want to go.

I look at myself in the mirror. Thankfully, my youth has stayed with me. Yet I could hear an echo in my head: “So what have you done?”

Over the years, I’ve simplified my definition of success. I used to think success was having a grand mansion, three cars and millions in the bank. And while all of those would be nice bonuses in this life, I’ve learned to see success in the small things.

Discovering the best roti with my hubby on one of our weekly dates.
Playing ballet princesses with my girls in the afternoons.
Spending some quiet journaling time for myself in the wee hours of the morning.
Being healthy to run 10 kilometer races.
Engaging in meaningful work that allows me to empower people.

So what’s next? I feel 2012 is another year to make dreams happen. I set four main goals for myself at the beginning of the year:

1. To nurture my marriage and my family. I am spending quality and quantity time with my husband and our girls.
2. To increase abundance in all aspects of my life.
3. To be healthy, sexy and fit.
4. To continue engaging in soulful work by becoming a certified life coach.

Gone were the grand dreams of wealth and fame. I realized that ultimately, we want things that we think could make us happy.

And I am happy right now. I’ve got everything I need right here.

My goals are there to help me grow more as a person and to guide me in fulfilling my purpose.

It’s amazing how much good silence can bring. Too often you are drowned in the sounds of everything and everyone else around you. Your voice gets lost in the din.

In silence, you hear yourself speak. And if you listen more, you can hear His voice. However you want to call that voice of wisdom that is within you: God, Universe, Higher Power.

That voice reminds you of something you’ve always known, but you often forget:

You are worthy
You are enough
You can have what you want. And more.
You are beautiful.
You deserve to be happy.
You are loved.

Have you spent some quiet time today?

I am lying on the bed tip tap tapping this post on my Blackberry. I tried sitting in front of my laptop for three hours and coming up with a post but I ended up browsing in Facebook and Pinterest instead.

And so I gave up. Then I thought since I love my BB (much more so the man who gave it to me), I might as well try and write this post here. While wrapped up in my cozy blanket, surrounded by soft pillows and a fluffy teddy bear on my side. Mmm… That sounds good.

It seems to be working though since I’m already on my third paragraph. I would love to come up with an epic post about how liberating-humbling-challenging 2011 was and how much more amazing 2012 would be. But as I learn and continue to learn in my life, the more I realize, life can be easy if you choose it to be.

And this is easy for me.

Easy is stopping things that become more of a pressure than a pleasure. Easy is accepting that it’s okay to have fun. Easy is doing what you love the most so you can feel alive.

Life is so much easier when you learn to let go of perfection and to go with the flow of inspiration.

I remember how grateful I am to have a comfortable home, to live in a peaceful neighborhood where you can still hear birds chirping in the trees.

I am grateful for my little girls who inspire me to be the best mom and woman I could ever be, for a husband who loves me for all that I am.

I am grateful for 2012, another year to make memories together.

I am lying on the bed tip tap tapping this post on my Blackberry, far from perfect and purely inspired. I intend that as you finish reading this post, your year will be filled with moments like these, when you can say, “Life is good.”

I never understood my bestfriend A’s fascination, nay passion for KPOP. I thought it was just a phase, a passing fancy that would disappear in time just like a faded and forgotten boy band.

More than a year later, she was into it more than ever. She spent her savings to go to Korea. She would make time to attend their concerts. She would watch their videos for hours on end.

And I thought it was just too juvenile. I mean how can you love something you don’t even understand?

I thought it was wasted passion. I thought she would be better off directing that energy into something more important, something that could change the world.

Thankfully, when we would see each other, she knew when to stop talking about it. I just wasn’t a fan.

It’s interesting how our lives have become so different, when almost a decade ago, we were wrapped up in the same things: boys and beauty regimens.

Now I am journeying through married life. Always doing a balancing act to love my husband, raise our kids, run our home and follow my own passions.

She is enjoying her singlehood. Building her career, going out on gimmicks, falling in love and figuring out what she wants to do next.

“Psst… are you free?”

We like to text like we’re just a few feet away. Her message came in as I was wrapping up my last class for the week.

I was exhausted but I agreed to meet up with her. She said she needed to talk.

After an hour and a half long battle with Manila traffic, we finally met up at the network office. I anticipated we would be talking about a lot of stuff so we needed to be in a happy place — mood lighting, calming interiors, soft couches. Ah… Kozui.

I also anticipated we would be eating a lot so we decided to walk all the way there.

“What’s up?” I asked.
“Nothing really,” she said.
“You made me go all the way here for nothing?!”
“Well, I need to talk.”

I have very few real friends.

When I say real, these are the people whom I can bare my heart and soul to, no barriers, no pretensions. These are people whom I allow to see the real me because I know they accept me and love me for who I am.

Even including my husband, I can count these real friends in one hand.

A is more sociable than I am and it appears she has a lot of friends. But she says she realized the same thing, there are only a few people we can really open our lives to.

On this particular night, we were talking about KPOP.

And our dreams.

“I don’t understand the lyrics of the songs, but when that happens, you can really appreciate the melody, you can get lost in the flow. You really enjoy the music for what it is.”

And right there I understood that her passion for KPOP wasn’t all whimsical. It triggered a desire in her, it helped her give birth to a dream.

On a mission to do an hour – long episode about KPOP, she gathered the courage to be an alien in Korea. To be her own researcher, segment producer, director, assistant and cameraman. She was a one woman team, wandering the winter streets, fumbling through the language she loved but barely understood, battling self – doubt and fear that she might fail if she does it alone.

But when she came home, she carried with her a winning story.

When her special episode about KPOP aired on TV, she got her just reward: recognition, validation and vindication. People loved her story.

“That’s because you loved what you were doing too,” I said. “When you do something you’re passionate about, people notice.”

She says she wants to fly to Korea and study film. She wants to grow her career in a country she felt welcomed her like its own.

“What’s your goal? What are you passionate about?” I remember asking her years ago.

“I actually don’t know,” she said.

And now, she knows. I saw a fire in her eyes I’ve never seen before.

I could see how she would turn into a zombie during hectic days between brainstorming and airing an episode for her show.

And now I am seeing her come alive. Like sunshine melting a field of snow.

I loved that moment. I was happy to see that she found her passion. Now she has a mission to be damn great at what she does.

We have different destinations but we are sharing the same journey.

We are both trying to find our place and make a difference in the world. No matter how small that difference may be.

“Go for it,” I said.

It’s gonna be challenging, exhilarating, frustrating, and fulfilling all at the same time.

In the end, it will be absolutely worth it.

I still can’t share my best friend A’s passion for KPOP, but now I understand — it’s meaningful to her, it’s something that changed her world.

Sometimes it doesn’t matter what you’re passionate about but what you become because of it.

Are you going for your dream?

The air was cold and rain was pit – pattering on the roof. The bed felt cosier, the pillows softer. It was 1 am, the perfect bed weather. Snuggle under the sheets and dream away.

But there I was on my corner table, a night light for company. Tempting as it was to answer the bed’s call to “come sleep with me,” I had to stay up, keep my eyes wide open and get my brain running. I needed to finish my lesson plan for my production class, just six hours away.

How do you know when you love what you’re doing? When you’re crazy enough to give up your bed and sacrifice sleep to work instead.Then again, sometimes, you do it “because you have to.” Other times, it’s “because you want to.”

And I wanted to do it.

Nine years ago, I wouldn’t have known that I would become a teacher. I wanted to be a TV reporter. Everybody thought I would be a good one. I thought it was a brilliant idea. Wouldn’t you want to be famous and be in front of the camera?

After graduation, I landed a job in a TV network as a researcher. I thought I was on the right track. I would study what it’s like behind the scenes and then go for it.

Five years passed and I was still working behind the scenes. I didn’t think I was smart enough to be in front of the camera, much less beautiful enough.I just didn’t have the guts to put myself out there.

Finally, I reached a turning point and signed up for auditions. I thought I wouldn’t know unless I tried. I had to try, if only to avoid asking myself “what if?” when I’m old and gray, gazing out the window sitting on my rocking chair.

When I found myself dumbfounded as the camera started to roll, it all became clear. I didn’t want this. I don’t like the news, why would I want to be a reporter?

I returned to the office and searched my soul for answers. What did I truly want to do?

I tried different things, I climbed the production ladder.

In the end, I realized, my soul’s highest purpose is to inspire people. I am in my element when I empower them and help them to believe in themselves.

Flasback 16 years ago, I was standing in front of the classroom teaching grade school kids just a few years younger than I was. It was Teacher’s Day. It was our turn to take the reins so our teachers could take the day off.

I was on a high. I remember seeing the children’s eager faces, hungry for learning. Who knew teaching could be so much fun? The memory rushed back to me, like a stop-gap was pulled from a bottle of water.

I wanted to be a teacher.

Flashback around two years ago, I was sitting in a coffee shop with my friends writing down our goals for the year ahead. It was the last week of December. We’ve come so far and we want to make our lives more awesome.

I was on a high. I was so happy to see my friends’ faces light up, excited about the possibilities of making those goals a reality. I knew this is the kind of work I want to do.

I want to be an inspirer.

“Now you get it,” I could almost hear the Universe say.

It hasn’t been an easy journey and there was a price to pay.

The only thing that keeps me going? Love.

I couldn’t do this without the love of a man who has made it his purpose to make sure that I live mine.

And for that I feel grateful. And blessed. And happy beyond measure.

I couldn’t do this without the love of my girls who inspire me to reach my dreams so that one day, I can teach them that they can reach theirs.

I couldn’t do this without the love of my family who believe in me. Always.

It would have been easy to remain in my comfort zone, stay stuck in the 9 to 5 and just keep running the rat race.

But I love my life. And I cannot imagine living it without the passion it so deserves.

I guess I’m crazy that way.

And I’d take that any day, over soft pillows and the perfect bed weather.

How about you?

The great thing about new beginnings is you can decide to have it whenever you want to. And now I feel it’s time to start over.

I’ve been blogging over at jaymeemerald.com since 2007 and that blog has been testament to several changes and challenges in my life. I loved writing there and just pouring my heart out.

And yet I feel I have outgrown that space. I’ve been feeling that way for a long time. And maybe that’s the reason I have not been updating it. I’ve tried to redesign the site several times to see if it would reignite that old spark. But the moment I stopped tweaking it, I knew it was time to move on.

So here I am writing in a new space and it feels good.

Here I am starting a new career and charting a new path in my life, it’s challenging and sometimes nerve – wracking. But it feels so awesome.

And when something makes me feel this way, I just know. This is it.

I was in the dark for awhile, trying to find my path and doubting my abilities. But now the sun is rising and bringing light to my calling. I am seeing it much clearer every time.

And though I don’t know when I would need to start over again, I know I am where I am meant to be.