Dating is tougher than ever these days. The competition is fierce. To succeed you need to make sure that you always look your best. What’s the one feature that attracts the attention of potential mates right off the bat? A beautiful smile!

So here’s a chance to win a teeth whitening smile makeover, right in NYC. Just click on this link, and enter for your chance to win.

Good luck and remember: A smile is worth a thousand words!

You heard right. I firmly believe this to be a truth: when a man decides that he wants to get married, he does. I see it happen all the time, especially with “older” men in their late 30′s and 40′s who you thought would never do it. And then, suddenly, to the shock of ex-girlfriends who were convinced that these guys had terminal commitment phobia, they do it. As surprising as it may appear, it’s really quite simple to understand.

First, let me give you an example from national TV. I happened to catch a recent episode of The Millionaire Matchmaker, which had a unique twist: one of Patty Stanger’s matches actually worked. Here’s the 30 second recap. A handsom, filthy rich (real estate), really nice, Jewish boy in his 30′s hired Patty to find him his “bashert”. Patty set out to find him a “Jewish girl who looks like a shikse”. When she informed him of her dating rule prohibiting any sex before committing to an exclusive relationship, he readily agreed saying that he was ready to settle down and find the right girl. Patty hooked him up with a pretty jewish girl who I guess she thought looked like a shikse (I’m not sure I even know what that means anymore), he took her on a helicopter ride to Las Vegas, gave her a tour of his million dollar view penthouse (no, there was no hanky panky), was impressed with her close relationship with her mother and grandmother, and then…you better sit down for this…he proposed — marriage! Yes, marriage. This is crazy, right? He doesn’t really even know her, right?

Well, here’s how I see it. He thought she was beautiful and really sweet, and she was close with her family. Three very important things. But the most important thing was that he decided that he wanted to get married and, like I said, when a man decides that he wants to get married, he does. He stops looking for what’s wrong and focuses on what’s right, and what he needs to be happy for the long run, not just for that night. He lets down his guard, dismantles that steel barrier that always prevented him from just letting himself fall in love with a woman even though she might come with no guarantee or return policy, and takes the plunge. By the way, 6 months later the happy couple was living together and planning their upcoming wedding.

Guys, you don’t have to be a millionaire to get married. You do have to be normal, nice, and capable of attempting to earn a living. True, you might not be able to snag the woman who inhabits your fantasies, but you will be able to find a nice, sweet, and kind girl who you find attractive (in the world of reality, not Baywatch). The odds are clearly in your favor. There are women waiting for you to ask. All you need to do is make that decision to stop playing games and living in fantasy land, and settle down and get married.

Ladies, if you’re in a relationship with a man for over 6 months who doesn’t seem ready for marriage, then accept the fact that he probably isn’t and move on and find a man who is. Just remember, when a man decides that he wants to get married, he does.

Don’t forget to download your FREE E-Book – The Jcoach Guide to a Winning Online Dating Profile – by subscribing to Jcoach. You can also to follow us on Facebook and Twitter

Happy Valentine’s Day! Did you forget? I know the ladies didn’t, but the guys…well, what can I say. I admit that I too am guilty of this seemingly capital offense. In fact, the whole concept of giving women flowers and other romantic tokens of affection was something my wife had to teach me (she’s still working on it). Is it because I didn’t care about the woman I was dating at the time, or am currently married too? Not at all. I just didn’t get it.

Maybe it’s because I never saw my dad give my mom flowers or gifts of any kind? I’m sure that was part of it, but it’s no excuse.I should have been perceptive enough to realize that most women gauge their man’s degree of interest by the gifts that he presents her with, especially on a day so endowed with romantic significance (by the retail masterminds of this golden land of opportunity) like Valentine’s day.

Just to back up the point I’m trying to make, here’s a brief email I just received from a woman I work with: “So I’ve been dating this guy 5 months and he didn’t plan anything for valentines day… I can assume he isn’t that into me, right?”

WRONG. Most guys just don’t place the same degree of importance on the day of valentine as women do. They’re just not that into it…even if they are into you. Also, some guys just aren’t good at planning romantic excursions or engineering romantic events (getting drunk doesn’t count). You might just have to make it your business to train this guy in the ways of romantic gestures and valentine’s etiquette, if that’s what you need. But i wouldn’t assume that he “just isn’t that into you” solely on the basis of his Valentine’s Day inactivity.

I wonder how many relationships will be sabotaged, disolved, and destroyed this Valentine’s Day because guy’s just didn’t understand what their women expect, and need, from them? How many women will assume that “he’s just not that into them” and put their relationships on a downward spiraling trajectory?

I hope this post has helped clear things up a bit. Ladies, don’t jump to conclusion. And guys, you still have some time to buy some flowers and plan something romantic. Get to work!s

Let’s recap. The woman in the post felt blown off following a great first date. The man she went out with threw around lots of compliments, and based on his physical actions (i.e. next massage in his apartment) he appeared to find her attractive as well. He sent her a nice email after the date saying he had a good time. She responded, and then after not hearing back she reached out again and he still has not contacted her.

Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon scenario.

Ladies- The worst thing you can do is let a guy you only went out with only ONCE drive you crazy. There are a bunch of reasons why he could have gone MIA. None of them necessarily have to do with you.

1. He was into you at the moment, but is not looking for anything serious.
This is a common scenario. You could be out having a great time; he finds you attractive and wants to hook up that evening. Once the night is done the momentum has been lost and he’s over it.

2. He’s dating around and trying to juggle.
In a city like New York it’s become the norm to date multiple people at the same time. (This goes for both men and women). You may still be a consideration, but he has 3 other dates lined up this week and he just hasn’t gotten to calling you yet.

3. You are in different places.
Most women in their late 20’s and 30’s are dating for marriage. If this guy just wants to have fun and sees that you are looking for a committed relationship he may not want to hurt you. He may even see himself as being respectful by not pursuing it any further.

4. He has a lot of personal stuff going on, work issues, or just simply busy.
I can relate to men to some degree on this one. When I’m stressed, busy with work, or have too much going on personally, I retreat. Men can genuinely be interested, but if they are having issues (especially work related) this can take priority over a new girl.

If the first three reasons are why the guy has gone missing, then I would say it’s definitely time to move on. As for the last one, this may mean that you need to back off for a little while to see what he does. Unfortunately it will take a little time to be clear on what his real agenda is.

For sure don’t lose any sleep over it. Don’t text, call, email, or reach out on any level. Keep dating and put him aside for the time being. If he is genuinely interested, then once the situation has passed he will reach out. From my experience, I usually always hear from the guy again. I’ve even had guys disappear for months and then come on full force a year later. If I would have allowed myself to feel upset it would have been a total waste. Regardless of what the outcome is, never lose your dignity. If he wants you he will make it known, and if he’s not the right guy just remember it’s not always about you.

I recently received an email that I know many of my female readers with identify with. Here’s the email:

Dear Jcoach,

I would like your opinion. I had an amazing 1st date with a guy. We met at coffee shop and talked easily for an hour and then he invited me back to his place to continue the conversation. We talked for another 2 hours, we laughed, joked, he even gave me a neck massage. He complimented me, said he loved my accent, and we seemed to have a lot in common. When I left I reached out for his hand but he grabbed me and hugged me tight and strong. I asked if we could see each other again and he said yes.

He emailed me immediately and said what a good time he had but he ended the email with “stay safe.” I emailed him back and haven’t heard from him since. I sent another email 2 days later to see if he was free this weekend and now it’s been 5 days and I feel really rejected.

I want to know why – is there a good way to ask without sounding desperate or needy?

Well, before I attack the real issues here, let’s get one thing out of the way: forget about “knowing why”. As much as you, or anyone who has been “dumped”, would give your next paycheck to find out “why”, you never will because no dumper will ever tell you the truth. Seriously, would you? Of course not. You’ll make something up about bad timing, not connecting, your gut, that missing feeling, etc. So save yourself some time and frustration and just move on. There is no good way to ask without sounding desperate or needy…and it just doesn’t matter.

Now let’s try and figure out what exactly happened that turned what looked to be a hugely successful date into an email to the Jcoach and many hours of lost sleep trying to figure out the license plate of the truck that just ran you over. The first thing that undoubtedly comes to mind is the old adage, “He’s just not that into you.” Everyone reading this post thought of that, right? It’s the phrase that covers everything. Whenever a guy doesn’t want to date you, it’s obvious that “He’s just not that into.” I disagree.

That’s right, I’m willing to go out on a limb and stand against the theory that put so many female minds out of the agony and misery of trying to figure out why he didn’t call again. He just wasn’t that into you. If he was, he would have called. WRONG.

The guy in the reader’s email obviously was into her, at least on a physical level. He was into her enough to invite her back to his place after an hour of nice conversation at a coffee shop. The reader took that to mean that he was interested in pursuing a meaningful and lasting dating relationship. While that option is possible, going back to a guy’s apartment after an hour is probably not the best way for a gal to show that she’s looking for a serious and meaningful relationship.

Now, I wasn’t there in the apartment so I can’t know for sure what was going on and I might be way off (and please let me know if I am), but here’s my take. This sincere female soulmate searcher’s attractive appearance and cute accent drove this young man’s hormones wild. The hunt was on. At this point, he couldn’t care less about a relationship. The only thing that mattered was the conquest. So he successfully got her back to his place where he tried to soften her up with some more conversation. Then the neck massage. Ok, how many readers smiled when they came to the part about the neck massage. Seriously, how much clearer can this scenario be?

So what happened next? Like I said, I wasn’t there so I can’t be sure, but my guess is that our emailer evaded her hunter and, knowingly or not, sent him the message that she was not going to be added to his trophy case…at least not on that night. Unable to close the deal the guy said Ciao, have a nice life, and proceeded to look for easier prey.

So, yes, he was clearly into you (our emailer). He just wasn’t interested in entering into a relationship with you, or possibly anyone else either. Maybe he wasn’t really into your sense of humor or personality, maybe he was. He definitely was into your “body”. He definitely was not a serious dater looking for a serious relationship. Do I need to explain?

So to all those women who over the years have learned to attribute rejection (after a physical encounter/date) to “he’s just not that into you,” don’t sell yourself short. He probably was THAT into you in some sense, but he wasn’t ready or willing to pursue any sort of dating relationship (that means longer than a one or two night fling). That’s more about him then it is about you. Just hold your head up high, be the best that you can be, and move on to the next and, hopefully better, man.

Don’t forget to download your FREE E-Book – The Jcoach Guide to a Winning Online Dating Profile – by subscribing to Jcoach. You can also to follow us on Facebook and Twitter

If I asked you to describe your perfect romantic partner (and hopefully spouse) I’m pretty confident that you could do it. You’ve got a picture of him or her in your head, and even if you don’t, you’ll know it when you see it. It’s that bolt of lightning that sends 1000 volts of excitement through your body when you spot what you believe to be the object of your greatest desire. I suspect you might have already met, or at least seen (stalked?), your fantasy mate, possibly many different ones. So why weren’t you able to win any of them over? Why are you still alone, still imagining, while they are with someone else building a relationship, marriage, family?

It might have just been the result of unfortunate timing or very unlucky karmic energy. More likely it was because you just weren’t the right one for them. If only you could have fit the bill of what they were looking for in a mate? Out of your control right? Not necessarily.

I think it’s very much in your control to be the type of person who will attract your fantasy mate. In fact, it’s quite simple.

1. Step one is to clearly understand what qualities he or she is looking for in their perfect match. Here’s an example for the guys. You are totally smitten by a beautiful lady. Alas, she doesn’t seem too interested in you. Why? I have no idea, but I’m positive that she doesn’t see in you the qualities that she feels she needs in her ideal partner. So instead of acting like a shmuck and stalking her for the next few months until she gets a boyfriend or a restraining order, you need to learn everything you can about her. What kind of guys does she like? Is she into macho guys, intellectuals, athletes, artists, rich, poor, funny, serious, any and all combinations, and anything else you can think of to add to the list?

How do you get this information? You use any and all means at your disposal. Obviously the best way is to get it straight from her, indirectly through conversation. Or you can ask her friends. It’s your job to figure out where and how to get your information.

2. So you’ve done your research and discovered that she loves classical music and opera, enjoys listening to jazz in the village, dreams of living in Italy, craves intelligent conversation, and respects a man who likes to spend money on her (lots of it!). The problem is that you don’t fit any of these qualifications. You love top 40, think jazz is noise, dream of living in Long Island, crave sports talk, and don’t have much money left after paying your rent and gym membership.

No Problema! All you need to do is become the man she’s looking for! So you make believe, act, lie, fake, and borrow, and presto…you become her dream guy!

3. She falls for you. You did it, congratulations. You followed my advice and got the fantasy woman of your dreams. Now you can live happily ever after with her.

Silly rabbit, don’t you know that tricks are for kids? Don’t you realize that not only did you trick this woman, you tricked yourself into a relationship that you will both be miserable in for the rest of your lives, or more likely until you break up or get divorced?

You can only be happy with someone who you can be yourself with. If you truly desire to change and become a different, and hopefully better, person then by all means go full speed ahead and make it happen. But it has to be what you truly desire in your deepest and sincerest heart and soul. Becoming someone who you are not, and really have no desire to be, is wrong, stupid, and most of all hurtful to you and the person you’re attempting to fool.

So you might succeed in winning over your dream partner, but you’ll end up miserable and alone (even if you do stay in the relationship). Is that what you want?

Solution: find a partner who fits who YOU are, who appreciates YOU for who YOU are NOW. Don’t try to fool anyone, because in the end, you’ll be the fool.

Don’t forget to download your FREE E-Book – The Jcoach Guide to a Winning Online Dating Profile – by subscribing to Jcoach. You can also to follow us on Facebook and Twitter

Happy 2012. Assuming the Mayans were a bit off in their cosmic calculations, we’re all hopefully in for an exciting and fulfilling year…right? Judging by the stuff I’m hearing and reading, I’m not so sure. Let me explain.

I’ve lost count of how many emails and conversations I’ve read and had with singles this past year who tell me how miserable their dating lives are and how they just feel like giving up on the whole idea of love and marriage. This might surprise you, but when I read or hear this down in the dumps type of talk I feel encouraged. Why? Am I a sadist or something?

Not at all. You see, I truly believe that the first, and probably most important, step in getting into a relationship is honestly evaluating yourself and your situation and making the changes necessary to enable yourself to move forward and succeed in your relationship quest. Most people never take that first step. Instead, they just continue cluelessly in their same old patterns doing the same old thing with the same old people in the same old way, over and over again. Not surprisingly, their results continue to be the same too…failure, frustration, and disappointment.

The metaphor I like to use is the fly that keeps banging into the same spot on the window as it tries to fly out, instead of simply moving an inch to the side and flying right out through the open space. Bang, bang, bang, over and over again. Same thing, same pain, no change.

So when I get an email from someone who recognizes their frustration and seems totally fed up with their dating life I brighten up and think to myself, finally, this person is at the point where they are ready to make some changes and move forward in their relationship search. I know that once they make whatever changes they need to, be it practical (dating strategy or dating methods) or mental (just a change in perspective or a simple reality check) they will be on their way to positive results.

Unfortunately, the story doesn’t have a happy ending. Most of the people who seem to have taken that first step by contacting me never follow through. Why not? I don’t have the answer, but I can speculate.

Reaching out for help regarding your love life is hard. Sure, talking to a buddy over a beer is one thing, but actually making an appointment to meet or speak with a coach is just too weird. It’s just for total losers, which you obviously are not because your love life is so satisfying. So you continue on your unsuccessful dating journey and waste another few years banging into the same window. That makes a lot of sense. You’re no loser!

Well, here’s a secret…I don’t meet with losers. The men and women I meet with have got their stuff together, but they realize that they need a bit of help getting the dating/relationship thing just right. So they get the job done and then move on in a much healthier, more positive, and more successful manner. Read some of these testimonials. These folks are winners!!

Let me make this one point clear: if you can do the work yourself then by all means do so. In fact, I recommend it. Hey, if you can you should also do your own taxes and investment management. But just like you might need some tax or investment advice, you might need some dating and relationship advice too. Taxes and investments mean money, and money is something that you don’t want to lose. When it comes to your time, however, which is infinitely more valuable than money, you don’t mind wasting another year or five or ten while you spin your wheels, bang into windows, and play with the idea of figuring yourself out.

Speaking about money, could it be that people are reluctant to pay for the services of a coach when it comes to the area of dating and relationships? Maybe some people, but then there are many who wouldn’t meet with a coach even if it didn’t cost them anything. I agree that it’s tough to hand over your hard earned money to someone for something that you think you should be able to figure out all by yourself. Being frustrated and miserable all the time is also tough. I guess then it comes down to how much is feeling better and dating more successfully worth to you? That’s a valid question which obviously only you can answer.

So it’s a new year, another year, and you need to decide, again, whether you want to keep banging into that same window or whether the time has finally come to take control over your destiny and either help yourself or get someone else to help you make the changes you need to move forward and find that healthy, long term relationship you’ve been searching for for so long.

Whatever you do, DO NOT waste another year by spinning your wheels in exactly the same pattern as you last year and the year before that, and the year before that…

Don’t forget to download your FREE E-Book – The Jcoach Guide to a Winning Online Dating Profile – by subscribing to Jcoach. You can also to follow us on Facebook and Twitter

Several readers have recently suggested that I run a Jcoach single’s event for my readers. Sounds like a great idea. So why haven’t I done it? I certainly have thought about it, but I always come to the same conclusion: do we really need another singles event?

Well, you might claim that the Jcoach event would be different, more serious, for people who really believe in the stuff I write about and the ideas I propagate. In theory that makes a lot of sense. Unfortunately in practice, it doesn’t look so promising for several reasons.

1. How would you screen to make sure that only “serious” folks attend? You couldn’t, which basically means that the same serial event stalkers that prowl the Jewish singles circuit would be at this event too. Now that wouldn’t solve anything, would it? True I’d be able to charge admission and possible make a tidy little sum, but my goal is not to take your money and make you suffer through another frustrating and depressing experience. There are plenty of other people who are happy to do that. No, I’m here to help you get your act together in a constructive way so that you can pull it together and create a long term healthy relationship with someone special.

2. The kind of event that would honestly represent the ideals and ideas that Jcoach espouses would require the singles attending to make themselves truly and totally emotionally open and available (and probably a bit vulnerable) and to demonstrate the wholehearted desire to commit to a relationship based on realistic expectations and attainable criteria. How many people are willing to do that at an event (or anywhere)? Regardless of what people say, the truth is that they’re not. In most cases, if they were, they would already be married.

3. The success of most singles events is judged based on how many new people are there to meet. Nobody wants to spend money to see faces that they’ve already scoped out and rejected before. Therefore, most single’s event goers leave feeling disappointed, frustrated, and cheated out of their admission fee.

I certainly can’t guarantee the “newness” of the crowd, and I don’t want to be the cause of your frustration and ill will. When you finally realize that you’re looking at things the wrong way and chasing after something that exists only somewhere over the rainbow at the end of that yellow brick road leading through the depths of your imagination, the next event you attend will probably be your last (in a good way). Then you won’t need a Jcoach event anymore, even back in Kansas.

So that’s why I haven’t organized or run a Joach singles event. Despite all of this, if there’s anyone out there who has a good event idea and is prepared to plan and organize it, I’d be happy to hear it out and possibly help promote and run it.

Let me know if you’ve got something.

Don’t forget to download your FREE E-Book – The Jcoach Guide to a Winning Online Dating Profile – by subscribing to Jcoach. You can also to follow us on Facebook and Twitter

Enjoy the holidays!

First of all, Happy Hanukah! Keeping in the spirit of the holiday I thought I’d share a thought about what the Hanukah lights can teach us about relationships.

You already probably know that throughout the eight days of Hanukah one additional light (starting with 1) is kindled until the total number of lights equals eight. What you might not know is that there was actually a dispute between the two most famous rabbinic schools of the Mishnah regarding this sequence. According to the school of Hillel the lights increase with the days, which is what we do today. According to the school of Shammai however, you start by lighting 8 lights on the first night, seven on the second, six on the third, and so on until you are left with just one light on the eight day. What is the reasoning behind this dispute? (I actually discuss this and much more in my book, Deep Waters).

According Shammai the 8 lights represent the complete actualization of the miracle, which was put into effect on the first day. As the days progress the miracle power becomes depleted until there is only one light left at the end of the holiday. According Hillel the lights represent the potential of the miracle, which starts off small and gradually increases until it is fully manifested on the final night with 8 glowing lights.

There’s a huge lesson that can be learned from these two opinions of how to kindle the Hanukah lights. What is the healthy relationship progression supposed to look like? Many, if not most, relationship seekers expect to be blown away on the first date. They look for that electric charge, that bolt of lightening, to strike immediately…love at first sight…an immediate soulmate connection that leaves them positive that they have met the love of their life whom they’ve waited for since the moment of their birth. They are followers of the school of Shammai.

Unfortunately, after that blockbuster beginning, they often find their feelings begin to wane as the initial excitement wears off and the reality of their relationship takes hold. Unlike a miraculous event, relationships don’t spontaneously burst into existence. Relationships take time and effort to develop. Real, healthy, and lasting relationships follow the school of Hillel. They start off slowly, with just a tiny spark and flicker of light and gradually grow and become stronger and brighter until they are fully developed and glowing with the light of love and happiness.

Think about how many potential relationships you threw away after only one or two dates, or even less, simply because you weren’t immediately overwhelmed with feelings for the person. I can think of a few in my own history. And I’m not talking about people who you were totally not interested in off the bat. I’m talking about people you were attracted to and were somewhat interested in initially, but who didn’t match your unrealistic expectation for love, or lightening, at first site. Do you have a few folks you can put on that list? Do you want to keep adding more to that list? I really hope not.

The Hanukah lights, from one to eight, represent the gradual progression and growth of a healthy relationship. Take that lesson to heart and learn from it. Most importantly, put it into practice and integrate it into your relationship search.

And remember, it’s Hanukah…miracles do happen!

Don’t forget to download your FREE E-Book – The Jcoach Guide to a Winning Online Dating Profile – by subscribing to Jcoach. You can also to follow us on Facebook and Twitter

I received a question recently from one of my male readers. He had a fear of asking a girl out that he was really into. His worry was that she seemed way out of his league. He described her as tall, beautiful, successful, and extremely sweet. This guy was average looking, had a decent job, but was clearly lacking in the confidence department. There is definitely such a thing as a “mismatch” when it comes to dating. However, there are times when you may be able to have a chance with a girl that you never imagined…

If you live in a city like New York, the ratio of women to men is ridiculous. It’s amazing how many beautiful and smart women are still single. It’s not because they are flawed, it has more to do with the fact that there is so much opportunity it’s hard for guys to make a decision. Women naturally want to be courted and be treated like a princess. If you are really interested in dating someone that you think is out of your league, start off with showing her attention. Don’t buy into the concept that women like jerks. If she responds to your actions positively- go ahead and ask her out. You have nothing to lose. Honestly, what’s the worst that can happen? She says no? You have to take chances in life and not worry so much about rejection.

Years ago I used to attend classes at Hineni with Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis. Talk about a singles scene! At the time I was in a relationship, so was not interested in anything other than hearing the weekly Torah portion. I have to say though, I was blown away by the confidence some of these guys had! I am 5 ft. 10 and I would have these short, nebbish type guys make a “B” line for me to ask me out on a date. Although I was not at all interested, I thought it was awesome that they were not afraid to be rejected. My response was always sweet and I made sure to never make them feel embarrassed for trying. I really respected their efforts. I am sure though, that after doing this with enough girls someone had to finally say yes!

If you don’t like the direct approach, you can be a little more subtle. It just will take more time to get the desired result. For instance, if you meet a girl out in a social setting and you want her number- strike up a conversation and give her your business card. Then say “do you have a card too?” Usually when a man gives me his card I feel obligated to give him mine. Once you have her contact info you can follow up and tell her it was great meeting. Take note of her profession and email her an article or something relevant to her interests. Once you develop a rapport, invite her out to a social event. It could be a dinner party, charity gala, or friend’s birthday party. This is a great way to take her out amongst friends and it doesn’t come across as a formal date.

Whatever approach you take is fine, just don’t let the fear of rejection take over. Honestly, what’s the worst that can happen? She says no? After doing this with enough girls you will eventually get one that you want. There’s an expression that goes “Throw enough %#*@ against the wall and something’s got to stick” so don’t hold back…your beshert is waiting.

Do you have any thoughts on the subject or experiences you’d like to share? Please do so in the comments section below.

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