jemjabella.co.uk

Day 1 of Week Off

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 18:29:53 GMT

Have this week off — my first since Christmas — and guess what I did?

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

I played a couple hours of RollerCoaster Tycoon 2, and read Equal Rites (Pratchett) again but otherwise did nothing to tackle my backlog of e-mail, the many items on my todo list or the piles of housework.

I'm going straight to hell.

Some Little Tidbits

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 20:25:54 GMT

Firstly, CSSbake was very recently featured in a Smashing Magazine post on 40+ Helpful Resources On User Interface Design Patterns, which is a huge boost to CSSbake as a website and growing resource for webmasters. Huge congratulations to Ben, obviously, and to Melissa, who've both been putting in all the work lately to keep it ticking over while I lounge in pregnant misery.

In other news, I have been desperately trying to roll out some updates to my own site in what little free time I have, and because of Amelie's PHPAskIt, have now got a fully working FAQ (except not) script for the first time in about 6 months. Alongside that I've updated a few articles (typo corrections only), and published Common Windows Myths in which I attempt to be as neutral as I can (so it's not a "XYZ sucks please use something else!" article) while still correcting a few misconceptions.

Desperately trying to get through a backlog of projects, 5 month old emails and other such delights while I have a little energy in the evenings, so bear with me if you're waiting on something. Cheers!

6 Dollar Layout

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 16:35:33 GMT

After much nagging and one amusing — and wholly accurate — unrequested review I finally decided to get off my arse and finish changing my layout, something that has been on the cards for months.

However, failed design after failed design led to much frustration. In my weakened, feeble state I decided that spending hours of an evening in front of Photoshop was simply not an option I wished to continue playing with. Instead, I resorted to the dreaded option of downloading a template (*gag* / *vomit* / etc). I bought the BLOG THEME GREEN PSD (descriptive name, I know) and did some heavy tweaking to make it look more Jem-esque (the irony being I spent more time tweaking this than I did creating my previous layout.)

Credit for the cheesy comment icon goes to DryIcons, the ninja to IconBuffet (as usual) and of course, the base layout 'iMike'... and I'm sorry for doing this to your lovely design.

At this point the only tasks left are to style the comments (in progress), and to liven up the dreaded sub-navigation (see the sidebar on any of my main sections). The latter of which I'm all out of ideas for and therefore welcome input from all of the design geniuses that read my blog.

Shit They Don't Tell You About Pregnancy

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 19:56:00 GMT

I was going through some of my old posts the other day, looking for one in particular, and found my old ramble on the joys of PMS post-Depo Provera, and thought it appropriate to write a follow-up post on birth control. Yes, pregnancy: the ultimate birth control.

Morning sickness does not stop at 12 weeks... that is, if you're an unlucky bastard like me. All the websites and books will tell you it eases at 12 and disappears around 14, but I'm 18 weeks today and still vomiting 3 times a morning. I've worked it into my routine, it's classy.
You may have to get up to pee in the night means PREPARE TO WAKE UP EVERY 2.5 HOURS TO URINATE. This is along the same lines as the "potentially weakened bladder" thing (don't get me started on the time I nearly wet myself while vomiting, because.. hello, muscles contracting alert!)
Darkening of the areolas (areolae?) ain't the only nipple issues you get. I'm not even going there, it's none of your damned business.
You know they say the hormones make your hair and nails lush? What everyone seems to fail to mention is that it also makes your hair grow. At ridiculous rates. Think shaving 3 inch of growth off your armpits every day and you're on the right track.
Slower digestive rhythm means excess wind. Having to "ooh, pardon me" every half hour because you've just burped (again) gets old, fast. I'm just grateful that mine's going up, not down.
Your sense of smell will become so sensitive that you can smell the curry house 3 streets over. (Living with cats, and cat food, and cat breath, and a cat tray? The most disgusting thing in the world with a pregnant nose.)

And that, my friends, are the minor things. The "I'm trying to save at least a bit of my dignity" things. The "I don't want to turn into a maniac that discusses her sex life and intimate regions on her blog" things. I hope you're crossing your legs by this point, because if you're not, you've got issues. ISSUES PEOPLE.

Your Unrequested Reviews Suck

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 19:59:56 GMT

*cough* Excuse me while I brush off the dust and cobwebs. One would be forgiven for assuming I'm off enjoying the fabulous sunshine the UK is getting at the moment, but you'd be so wrong. When I'm not working my ass off (even on Fridays at the moment) I'm sleeping. Apparently the "bouncy"/"energetic" second trimester only happens to other people.

Anyway, I'm not blogging to complain about being pregnant (if I get started, you'll be crying tears of boredom into your keyboard by the end of the 2nd paragraph). Instead, I have another complaint. I have noticed, with some disdain, that "unrequested" reviewing is becoming popular. I wouldn't go so far as to say I invented unrequested website reviewing (that's almost as funny as the time I thought I'd invented the word "spork" as a kid...) but I take it to new levels, and so every dodgy review I read that's filled with errors and half-truths is like a stab through the heart.

Let's take, for example, this group review of Jessica (swimchick) (it's not recent, but I'm behind, give me a break). Clearly, given my Pants Award, I'm no stranger to pulling Jessica up on her website. Nonetheless, I'd like to think the things I mentioned were both accurate and reasonable. I don't consider the following to be accurate or reasonable:

Why would someone need 1000+ unique hits JUST to be affiliates with you? Affiliates are not for hits, they are online friends who you comment regularly.

Now, I'm not sure what kind of happy clappy fairy land world this person lives in, but affiliating websites pre-dates personal sites and the need to pat one another on the back for a job well done each time a person blogs. Affiliation is for driving relevant traffic and backlinks, plain and simple. In light of this, one can clearly see that the reason why Jessica requires a 1000 hit minimum is to weed out the n00bs who open and close sites more often than I change my underpants, and that are only interested in Jessica's site because they're infatuated with her apparent popularity.

why don’t you install an ask and answer script? I’m sure people would appreciate it, seeing as you hardly reply to emails, from what I’ve been told.

FAQ scripts are more hassle than anything else and the foundation of a decent review should never be hearsay and speculation. (I'd like to point out at this stage that Jessica has always replied to my emails in a timely manner; more so than I ever do.)

Aside from that blatant misunderstanding of what it's like to own a popular site, there's also general abundance of dodgy advice:

It's very important to have readable text, but sometimes, depending on what the links are, it's good to make them a bit bigger than the rest so that it can pop out and catch the visitor’s attention.

Er, no. Differentiate between links and text with colour and an underline by all mean, but altering the text size is not the way to do it.

Swearing is definitely a turn-off so it is good that you mentioned it in your "guide to websites".

Fuck off?

Joining competitions, forums and such is also a good idea. Too bad I've never seen you done any of these things you mentioned.

Jessica is on Snark...

If your own coding isn't valid then how would you know how easy, hard, or beneficial it can be?

Because one can know how to validate and choose to not bother?

In "You can find the latter.", "latter." should be "ladder."

No, it really shouldn't.

I thought presentation was everything? I guess I've been mistaken... clearly.

Worst. Sarcasm. Ever.

I just moved on to your previous blog (that has a label at the top, 'You must read this' - awww mummy do I have too?) and noticed in your bullet point of new things you say you’re going to return comments. You feeling okay?

Seriously.. just what the fuck?

However, your website isn't very original anymore, but you can't be blamed for everyone copying you.

...and yet this is the 3rd/4th time it's been used as criticism.

Note, hopefully with as much amusement as I did, the closing gem:

This review was not written out of spite or jealousy

...because apparently, writing that line will make it true. (Telling someone they "get enough hits" and/or insinuating they don't deserve their visitors is pretty much as close to admitting you're jealous without coming out and saying it as you can get.)

And you all thought I was exaggerating that stab to the heart part.

I am hoping at this point that I'm not alone in feeling a little sorry for the world of reviewing. Perhaps I'm just getting old, and my nostalgia for the days of epic length reviews and hours of learning the science behind web pages is misplaced. I can only hope that out there somewhere is a younger me, preparing herself to battle through the hordes of mediocre reviewers if only to carry on the metaphorical torch. Now there's a scary thought.

A Real Example of a Bad Web Developer

Fri, 15 May 2009 15:14:42 GMT

The long time readers amongst you may remember me reviewing a chap called Ronald Treitner (of designbytreitner.com) in February last year. The guy bases his entire reputation on the fact he validates his pages. However, I made it clear in my review of his website that validated or not, he still sucks epic balls as a designer and developer.

Shortly after my review, as well as fixing some of the newbie errors I pointed out, Mr Ronald Treitner published an article on "HOW TO SPOT BAD WEB SERVICES". He made some vague references to habits that I may or may not have had in an attempt to patch up his clearly damaged ego.

Given that I'm in the process of writing a new review, I went back through some of my old material to try and ensure I was covering new ground. (You guys need new things to learn, right?) Out of curiosity, I checked in on old Treitner, and found that he has in fact updated his article, and is now directly referencing me (under the heading "A Real Example of a Bad Web Developer"):

There is a person in the UK that has their own web site which is centered around blogging, it offers bad opinions on how things should be done only his way. Unlike other web sites that actually offer their services this dumbass only links to other sites, attempts to pick on others, and calls himself "Ultimately better than you." So here I am going to hold him to his own words and assume as far as web developers go he is the best.

He goes on to tell his readers (hahaha) that I'm giving fellow web developers a bad name, listing a zooming issue as the basis for his argument. I've no idea if he's referring to this layout or not as I couldn't replicate the issue (with text zooming both on and off), rendering his key point totally redundant. He continues to back up his "argument" with the fact that I offer no validation links (a totally useless practise that stopped being trendy about 5-6 years ago, and irrelevant as my pages validate 99.9% of the time with no effort whatsoever).

Apparently I'm a 'dumbass' and a 'dope' that offers no work of my own (obviously the links to my other projects are not sufficient, and my Bella~ scripts used by thousands and thousands of webmasters are a figment of our imagination) and, despite my claims to the contrary, my blog script is not my own:

he modeled his blog after an easy to maintain free script he probably got from another developer who offered his script free for others to use

...although I'm sure the likes of Amelie and Mat — who have both seen my code — would be willing to back me up.

Still talking about my blog, he claims:

He uses a very basic script for his blog, one you have to email him your comments and he adds in your comments if he feels like it.

...totally misunderstanding the basic premise of moderation-based blogging systems and their uncanny ability to, uh.. hold comments in moderation until approved? His insinuation that I only add comments "if I feel like it" grossly distorts the truth, which is that I only approve comments from people who use a real e-mail address. This in itself is backed up by the fact that there are many a hate-filled comment on my blog, although I admit it's the entertainment that keeps me publishing them.

He ends his argument referencing my decision last year to remove the contact form from my website, suggesting it's because I don't like people commenting on my site. Quite opposite, in fact, I actively encourage people to review me (although few seem willing to try, for some reason). Unfortunately, I had to remove the contact form due to the huge amount of support requests I was receiving, as a well respected developer and an expert on many subjects. How's that for an egotistical statement, eh? Of course, everyone knows I'm still reachable via e-mail (and my e-mail address couldn't be more obvious).

Of course, I don't need to answer Ronald Treitner's accusations, nor do I fear my reputation is at stake from a two-bit "web designer" with a bitter grudge against me. However, we all know that I cherish every opportunity to put misguided fools in their place, especially when they make the assumption that I am anything but a woman.

Your move, Mr Treitner.

Do me a Favour?

Mon, 04 May 2009 09:43:20 GMT

One of my Snarkers is up for vote in the WPWebHost Best WordPress Design Awards. I don't normally get involved in these sorts of online voting/award things because it's just egotistical back-patting (and by that I really mean that I'm not good enough to be entered) but Mimi mentioned that the guy coming in second is bribing his visitors to vote for him:

If you vote for me, leave your name in the comments below. I will do a drawing later ~~(May 1)~~(May 7, sorry my misunderstanding) and give away some free software from MacHeist 3. I'm adding to the free software list a free copy of Tweetie.

I think that's verging on cheating, and so I'm happy to back a genuinely talented artist to help her hold on to her number one spot. If you think that the hand-drawn designs of AmourChaleur are as super spiffingly great as I do, you can vote by following these instructions (requires JavaScript):

Pop over to the Best WordPress Design Awards post
Scroll down until you see the 'Best Hand-Drawing' category'
Click the option for "Amour Chaleur"
Click 'Vote'

It's as easy as that. You only have 2 days though, so the quicker the better :)

Update (5th May): Rogie has very kindly updated his post to reflect his decision to remove the software offer, and has offered to give his winnings to the runner up (Dayna) should he win. Very admirable move. :)

Snark is Alive

Sun, 03 May 2009 19:09:49 GMT

Due to Jacky's inclination towards professionalism and all that jazz (and the best of luck to her, of course) our beloved Snark has moved to a new home... a new domain, a new host and a new admin - me :)

If you've been waiting for it to come back up, go post! If you haven't a bloody clue what I'm on about.. go and join, because I rock and you all love me, right?

Thank You Internet Peoples

Fri, 01 May 2009 15:18:11 GMT

Thank you all for the well wishes, congratulations, advice and support on my last entry, and via e-mail/twitter. I can see that my bastard child has some expectations to live up to. ;) For the record, I'm sure that — despite the heathen, unmarried environment into which we're bringing this child (with lesbian grandparents no less) and the clear lack of sex education in Britain which led to this terrible oversight — Karl and I will be able to manage just fine. Anyway...

I hate to disappoint so early, but I don't have any intentions of becoming a 'mommy blogger'. My thoughts on personal/familial privacy aren't going to change because Karl super-spermed me. Obviously, like every other part of my life, it's inevitable that I will mention my ongoing pregnancy and (hopefully) the birth/following years of horror/sleepless nights/all that other terrifying crap we're in for, but I'm not going to suddenly dedicate my blog to the sprog. (Yep, that means plenty more cat posts.)

On that note: in totally unrelated news, Wednesday 29th was the 7th anniversary of my website. Go me!

I Told a Few White Lies

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 18:04:19 GMT

I have a small confession to make... I've been telling you all a few little porkies. I keep telling you all I'm sick — well, there's no untruth in that — but I've fabricated as to why. There is no mystery sickness, there are no allergies, I'm not coming down with swine flu (hah). In fact, the sickness is all very "normal" for a woman in my condition.

I am in fact suffering from a bad case of morning sickness. And by morning sickness, I mean every minute of the day sickness. From the moment I wake up and bring up saliva and bile, to the point of the evening where I can't move for fear of setting off crazy motion-induced projectile vomiting. Eating actually offers me some small relief, but only if I eat small amounts and often. The food has to be bland, and food that is safe one day may actually be sickness-inducing the next. Garlic is a total no-no, and I literally fear any food that may be slightly acidic coming back up, because it seriously burns. However, I have found that sweet tea generally tastes the same either way.

I am 12 weeks pregnant today. There have been some difficulties (some bleeding which required fortnightly scans; a possibly problematic cyst) and an endless stream of pretty standard symptoms (aches, tiredness, headaches, terrible dreams, wind, heartburn) but otherwise everything is positive. The constant waiting for appointments, improvements in the bleed, for the sickness to go away is incredibly tedious, but if all goes well, it should be worth it in the end:

(Excuse the dodgy quality, I had to take the picture of the scan photo using the webcam on the Acer as we don't have a scanner. Don't get your hopes up too much either, I have absolutely no intention of publishing any other pictures.)

So there you have it. Finally, all those years of doing the "I'm Pregnant!" April fools and it's actually happening for real ... even if it does look like a little alien :)