1. Room – not as good as I was expecting really, readable but not amazing.
2. One Day – shocked me by being very well written and enjoyable
3. Anansi Boys - re-reading for the 3rd time I think. Love it.
4. Good Omens - long overdue first reading. Absolutely brilliant and very funny.
5. Lord of the Rings part 1 - do I need to say anything? Re-reading, awesome as usual. The songs are always a bit boring though.
6. The Time Traveller’s Wife - entertaining at the time, but a bit forgettable.
7. LOTR part 2  - see above.
8. The Colour of Magic - first proper Terry Pratchett book I ever read. He’s a very funny man.
9. The Light Fantastic - also very entertaining.
10. The Painted Alphabet - really interesting novel based on a Balinese folk tale. Beautiful book.
11. Dune - not too sure what to make of this. A little bit pants I thought!
12. LOTR part 3 - see 5 and 7
13. The Killing Joke - bought this for want of anything else to read. It was toss.
14. The Girl who Played with Fire - found this quite readable, but didn’t have any love for the characters.
15. The Girl who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest - didn’t like this one as much and started to develop quite a strong dislike for the characters by this point!
16. First they Killed my Father  - essential reading if you’re visiting Cambodia. Harrowing but fascinating book and very well written.
17. The Mysterious Benedict Society and the Perilous Journey - love a good kids’ book! It had an air of Lemony Snicket about it, but not quite as good.
18. The Black Tattoo - I would have loved this when I was 14
19. So Much for That - enjoyable, not mind blowing but a good read.
20. A Spot of Bother - second reading, really realistic characters. The bit where he chops his leg up almost made me faint because of how well described it was.
21. The Almost Moon - couldn’t remember what happened in this one. Think that tells you all you need to know! Not a patch on The Lovely Bones.
22. The Black Angel - Jumped in part-way through the Charlie Parker series but really enjoyed them. Dark stories with a bit of fantasy thrown in, good stuff.
23. Nocturnes - short stories by John Connolly. Not quite Neil Gaiman quality, but still worth a read.
24. The Unquiet - Another in the Charlie Parker series by John Connolly, see comments above!
25. Pride and Prejudice - haven’t read many classics, but really enjoyed this one. Genuinely entertaining story with some great characters.
26. Northern Lights - re-reading for the nth time. Words cannot describe how much I love these books. Wonderfully written, beautifully descriptive and so real despite being set in other worlds.
27. The Subtle Knife - see above
28. The Lost Symbol - god I hate Dan Brown and these types of books. Shocking.
29. We are all made of glue - really nice character driven book, enjoyed this one a lot.
30. Every Dead Thing - first one of the Charlie Parker series. Some gory imagery, but good thriller/crime books.

       Sunset from the guesthouse

13th Jan 2011

Got minibus to Kanchanaburi today. Lots of confusion but finally made it, just a bit squashed! Had pre-booked a guest house by the river. Basic but with a nice eating/drinking area. So peaceful here. Saw the biggest cockroach ever!

Check me out riding a bike!

14th Jan 2011

Went on a bike ride today (first time in 10 years) to the other side of the river and up a hill (I pushed my bike!) to a temple with a cave. The cave was really big and full of buddha statues. Temples were closed, but were lovely from the outside. Didn’t fall off my bike once! Booked a trip tomorrow to the falls, Hellfire pass and the bridge – 890tb each inc. train ticket, lunchs, falls entrance and transport. Looking forward to it – starts at 8am so early night tonight!

The falls at Erawan National Park

Hellfire Pass

The Death Railway

The Bridge over the River Kwai

15th Jan 2011

Went on our tour today:

Erawan Falls and National Park: Incredible and stunning. Went swimming and had our feet nibbled by fish (bit weird). Saw a MONKEY!!!

Hellfire Pass: V. moving and interesting museum.

Death Railway: Nice ride and good scenery – fun!

Bridge over the River Kwai: lots of tourists and shops, a bit depressing but saw the bridge.

All for 890tb each! Staying two more nights after this one. Tiger Temple tomorrow, although apparently the tigers are all drugged which is v. sad.

16th Jan 2011

Had a lie-in today so didn’t go to the Tiger Temple. Pottered about, ate 5tb chicken on a stick, read our books (need a new one!), played cards and Scrabble. Possibly Tiger Temple tomorrow. First lot of midgie bites is going down but they may start again – definitely not safe! Last night here tomorrow, going to book the minibus to Ayutthaya. We’ve heard it’s a bit boring but we’ll see. 1st lot of washing given away today – hope we get it back!

Diamond House Hotel, Bangkok

10th Jan 2011

Just arrived at our hotel. Slept about 1/2 hour on the plane. Got lost finding hotel but found some nice people to help us! Bangkok  = terrifying so far!

(went to bed at 5 – slept for 16 hours!)

11th Jan 2011

Went for a wander and explored Khao San Road. A lady with a baby tried to scam us but we resisted. Same scam as a boy tried yesterday – luckily Dunc is savvy!

Had some excellent spring rolls and mojitos. Dinner = 120tb, 1 drink = 100tb – weird!

Decided to leave on Bangkok Thurs – too stressful for us!

A very tall Buddha

12th Jan 2011

Weird day! Got a tuk-tuk to the tourist office to ask about tickets to Kanchanaburi. Then got a taxi to the weird station where they said we had to book on the day. Taxi waited and took us back to Khao San Road where we got tickets for a minibus for 260tb each tomorrow at noon!

Rest of the day spent doing nothing. Found a nice bar and played cards. Used DEET for the first time – very sticky! (A bit drunk from 2 cocktails – oops!)

When I first decided to get something proper done, I went to the doctor and told him what was happening. I wanted to see a clinical psychologist, but because of the huge waiting lists and also the fact that I don’t think they saw it as urgent (which is fair enough, no bitterness here) I got referred to a mental health nurse/CBT chap. I was also offered anti-depressants (I find a lot of doctors will try to push tablets on you before anything else, presumably because it’s cheaper), but I really wasn’t keen so I insisted on seeing someone.

For anyone who doesn’t know, CBT stands for cognitive behavioural therapy. You can read all about it here, but basically it’s all about changing the way you think, which will then change your patterns of behaviour. I really didn’t get on with it. I’m not saying it’s not a good way of helping some people, but you have to be capable of convincing yourself of things that aren’t necessarily true. For example, if I’m having difficulties getting on the bus because I might have a panic attack, I’m meant to tell myself (internally – you don’t have to go around chatting to yourself) that I’m not worried about it, and that the bus is fine, etc. Unfortunately, all I found was that another voice in my head said ‘well of course there’s nothing wrong with the bus, but you aren’t fine because you’re clearly feeling like shit’… and so on.

So I had some sessions of CBT and the only thing I was finding was that talking about it was helping a bit, but that the chap didn’t have any interest in finding the underlying cause with me. It’s fair enough, because that wasn’t his job, but that’s what I wanted to do. I was speaking to my parents about it and my difficulties getting on with CBT and they both remarked that in their experience (GP and psychotherapist) it tends to be less effective the more intelligent you are and the more you think about things. Obviously I’m not trying to offend anyone by saying this, or quoting it as gospel truth, just trying to explain why I thought it didn’t work for me – too much thinking!

So that didn’t work, and I decided to stop going. And actually, for a while I was kind of ok. I got on with day to day stuff, went out a bit and tried to forget all about it. Which was all going well, until I got a call one winter evening from my friend Helen to say she was in A&E after being knocked off her bike. We went to keep her company while she had her injured leg checked and got stitches and things, and (to cut a long story short) I ended up having such a bad anxiety attack that I fainted. So that brought everything back and it started again.

This time, I did a bit of research on the various drugs available for anxiety and came across beta blockers. They are traditionally used for heart problems, but have had a lot of success being used to help with anxiety (and often performance anxiety or stage fright). Because I was having random attacks, I thought they might be worth a try; I’ve never looked back. I went and asked the doctor what he thought and he gave me a prescription. All I have to do is take one if I feel an attack coming on and it controls the symptoms. I’m pretty sure at least 50% of it is psychological, but they’re brilliant. I keep them on me all the time and I think I’ve taken about 10 in total in the past couple of years, because when they’re there I worry less about panicking and so it doesn’t happen – genius.

I do try to avoid taking tablets wherever possible, but having a crutch like that has helped me so much. I spent 5 months in SE Asia and only took 2 – something which I’m not sure I could even have managed a few years ago. Now I can do all the things I used to and if I feel myself going a bit anxious I can just sneakily take a little tablet and it’s all good again. Maybe not the complete cure I was after and would still love to find, but a massive improvement nonetheless.

The only other thing I have found that can help and which I would recommend to anyone is breathing control. It’s nothing fancy or clever, you just breath in through your nose and out through your mouth slowly and concentrate on that until you feel better. It slows down your heart rate and helps your symptoms and really does help. You have to really concentrate on doing that and nothing else, but I think that in turn helps you take your mind off everything else.

So that’s my exciting anxiety story. I’m sorry if it got a bit boring, but I think it’s important to talk about. I would estimate that at least 50% of people who I tell about my anxiety problems have had similar issues, whether they’re milder or a lot worse than mine. Yet it still feels like it’s embarrassing and a bit pathetic (well, it does to me anyway). But it shouldn’t. And it isn’t. And if I can sort myself out then you can too; you just have to want it enough.

I believe when I left you I’d decided that enough was enough and that I wasn’t going to be that sort of person any more. Whenever I tell anyone about having panic attacks, or any of my experiences with anxiety, the main feeling I have is one of sheer frustration. Why can’t I do the things I did before!? Why am I not able to just hop on a busy bus, or make last minute plans to go see people!? I feel like I am mentally capable of doing all of these things, but then my body won’t let me because deep down somewhere I’m scared of doing them. Even though I’m not really. See? Frustrating.

Because, at the end of the day, the reason I have these attacks is because of a tiny little error in my brain. I don’t mean brain damage, or anything serious, but somewhere my brain registers every single little bit of adrenaline as panic and sets off these stupid, embarrassing symptoms. To give you an example, I was planning for a while to get a new tattoo (sorry mum and dad). I’d had it drawn up by a friend and just wanted to pop it in to the tattoo parlour for them to jazz up and to quote me a price. Which sound easy. Because it bloody well should be. It took me about 5 attempts to actually get into the tattoo place, then when I got there I was so shaky I could barely speak. Not because I was actually worried about the tattoo, but just because I was excited which meant my body produced some adrenaline which it then mistook for me being scared. So then it put up all its defence mechanisms. Which was annoying. Just one tiny little processing error which completely messed up my plans.

So that’s what I have to contend with. Something that is so deep in my subconscious that I can’t tell it’s there, making things happen in my brain that make my body go weird. Not particularly easy. I convinced myself for a while that there was a definite cause, even though I couldn’t think what it was. Maybe something had happened that made me less confident and more worried. But if something like that is there then I still haven’t found it. Maybe it’s just bad luck.

It turns out this will be a trilogy of anxiety based excitement. Don’t get too worked up though please. I will get to the bit where I sort myself out (pretty much), probably tomorrow.

Oh and I am also thinking of posting some of my travel journal entries with photos. I know the trip’s finished, but you’ve got that to look forward to. There is a good one where I whine about having food poisoning, and another where I get drunk. Hurray!

The other day I was have a bit of a panic about having to get on a train and potentially stand up in a big group of people for an hour or so and I thought perhaps I should write about that. My anxiety that is, not my train journey.

I’ve had anxiety problems/issues/episodes (? whatever you want to call it anyway) for just under 5 years now. I’m not going to whinge about it on here, that wasn’t the plan. I just think that it affects an awful lot of people but it’s also embarrassing so people don’t really talk about it.

Anyway, a few years ago I started having ‘funny turns’ (at your grandma would call them) on the bus when I was going to Haxby to see Duncan. I assumed I had low blood pressure; I could feel myself going pale and clammy, then I felt like I was going to either pass out or throw up. Once or twice I had to get off the bus and wait for the next one. We’re not talking crowded buses either. I went on for a while assuming they were because I was too hot, or hungry, or tired or any number of other things. Then one day I was chatting to my mum about it and she (being a psychotherapist and well versed in such matters) asked if I’d thought about the possibility that they were panic/anxiety attacks?

I hadn’t. But from then on I started to see patterns and it turned out that’s what it was. Unfortunately it’s a real double-edged sword. I would see patterns, then anticipate a panic attack, then I’d have one because I’d been worrying about having one. And that’s the vicious circle that I’ve struggled with ever since. I don’t see myself as an anxious person, but these anxiety attacks turned me into one. For a while I avoided an awful lot of everyday situations; I’d end up having to leave the queue in Tesco because I thought I was going to faint, I avoided getting the bus and I never went to the bar if it was busy. It was a pain in the arse, but you kind of figure that it’s a lot less of a pain than passing out in the middle of a shop/bar/on a bus etc…

So that went on for a while and in the end I upset a few friends and risked losing some others. Because of course I didn’t actually tell them why I wasn’t coming out; I thought it sounded ridiculous, especially when my only symptoms were that feeling where you don’t feel like you’re in your body (yes, it’s a real one) and feeling like I couldn’t swallow properly (check out all the other exciting symptoms here). And in the end I decided that this was getting a bit ridiculous. I had (and still have) a lot of things that I wanted to do with my life and I was being crap and not doing any of them. So I decided to try to sort it out. But that is a story for another day, if you want to hear it. Probably tomorrow, or if not then the weekend.

To be continued…

And on the back of having a job, I no longer have to panic about money – hurrah! I don’t actually get paid for a month, but I can totally spend it now so there.

So with that in mind I went for a potter around Chorlton today to find food-based goodness. I don’t think I’ve really even scratched the surface of Chorlton’s foodie delights, but my parents are coming to visit tomorrow and I thought we’d have a wander as well so I didn’t want to exhaust it.

The highlight of my day has to be the Chorlton Sourdough I bought from the Barbakan Deli on Manchester Road. It’s so good – soft and chewy and acidic and lovely. Yum. They were frying up some epic looking sausages on the BBQ outside as well which I gather is a weekly event, but I think I’ll save that one until next week when Duncan is with me.

I also discovered the Unicorn Grocery wholefoods shop, which has a nice range of fruit and veg but more excitingly (is that a word? Not sure) for me a really good choice of dried herbs and spices, including chipotle and ancho chilies. Hurray! Not cheap, but then when is organic food ever cheap? I think I will have to combine trips to these various shops with trips to Tesco and Morrissons. That’s until I’m rich.

So that’s my day so far. I think the rest of it will consist of watching Sherlock and Skins (not at the same time, that’d be weird) and sitting on the sofa. Things that start with S then. Good.

One very comfortable cat; I think he's settled in.

The books that made it onto the one bookcase we own

The books that didn't make the shelves.

My face, as it appears in our flat.

I feel like I should just make it known that there was no selection criteria for the books; it was just whatever came out of the box first. I wouldn’t want you to think I’d relegated most of my Harry Potter books to the floor. That just wouldn’t do.

Here are a few things I’ve managed to accomplish:

• First read-through and edit of Blood on the Motorway (forthcoming novel from my good friend Paul, of Blog on the Motorway). I’ve never proofread or edited anything fictional like this before and I’m really enjoying it.
• Registered for the first module of the Open University degree I’m going to start. English Language and Literature. Exciting!
• Discovered numerous bars, restaurants and cafes around Chorlton and Manchester. Obviously not helpful at the moment, but I’m keeping a mental list for when I’ve got money.
• Found a few places in Manchester that do sewing and dressmaking courses.
• Got back into Twitter and actually started using it a bit more.
• Found out that you can buy episodes of Chowder on iTunes. Amazing.

No other news really; a bit of potential job-based luck today but not sure how it’ll turn out. It’s just so hard to know what people are looking for. Something will turn up I’m sure, I’d just like to to turn up sooner rather than later because I want to get exploring (when I say exploring I mean drinking and eating). Found out today that a deli literally around the corner holds a monthly supper club which looks scrummy, there’s a really good fishmonger near here and lots of good bars. Money is definitely needed. Oh and we have sheets at the window instead of curtains so it’d be good to do something about that as well before people start to think we’re squatting…