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Crablantis

2011-06-20T21:09:00.001+10:00

Last time on Crablantis!

Signor Crabbsly met his partner in rhyme, Chilleh Puss, the robotic octopus, and together they must stop the evil corporation CLAM. Word on the sand has it that a CLAM informant is staking out the local gentleman’s club, so it’s up to Crabbsly to see what he can find. Will he encounter danger? Will he catch a STI? FIND OUT RIGHT NOW!

Adventures in Crablantis
Part 1, Segment 1.7, Chapter 1
The Coral Queef

Signor Crabbsly had never been a fan of strip joints, despite the fact that he was practically raised in one. The smell of sweat and despair and the taste of salt and smoke in the room did nothing for Crabbsly’s nostalgia; in fact, it just sickened and disgusted him. His father used to tell him that all good crabs are found in strip clubs, but even as a young boy Crabbsly didn’t share that belief. He was sure that good crabs could be found anywhere; that they should be found anywhere else. But his father never understood.

---

“Excuse me, Narrator Lady, you’re doing it again”

Doing what again?

“Going off on tangents that have nothing to do with the actual story,”

Excuse me Mr Crabbsly-knows-everything-allthetime-forever I think I know what I’m doing. That paragraph was nothing but relevant.

“It’s SIGNOR Crabbsly, Miss,”

Now I remember why I left you floating in fictional limbo for so long.

“What?”

Nothing, nothing. ON WITH THE STORY!

---

With a look of apprehension on his face Signor Crabbsly approached the nasty looking bouncer.

“Can I help you, shrimp?”

“I’m sorry sir, but I’m a crab,”

“Does this look like the face of someone who cares, shrimp?”

“Oh um, no. It looks like the face of a catfish, sir,”

---

Oh good job Crabbsly. Piss off the mean looking bouncer.

---

“What do you want, punk shrimp?”

“I told you, I’m not a-“

CRABBSLY. SHUTUP SO THE STORY CAN GO SOMEWHERE

“Did you say something, shrimp? Because you’re starting to waste my time. And I don’t like having my time wasted. In fact, I’d say it’s the thing I like the least in life. That and this raging cold sore I have on my lip. So either start talking sense, or scuttle off elsewhere before I smack you with my fin,”

“I, um, /would like to please gain access to the club, please,”

“Name?”

“Signor Crabbsly”

“Signor? What are you, some type of fancy ass?”

“I am a crab, sir, not a donkey,”

“Ok, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to let you into the club for two reasons. 1) Because your face is starting to annoy me and 2) because it’s a Monday night and all of our good dancers are out anyway. Good luck getting a boner, Crabbassly,”

---

“Well he wasn’t very pleasant, was he?”

I don’t know. I thought Crabassly was pretty funny.

“Perhaps that’s because you wrote his lines?”

I also write yours and I don’t think you’re funny at all.

“I hate you,”

---

Crabbsly entered the strip joint and immediately began to cough up a lung. The air was so thick with smoke and stale with regret it was almost impossible to breathe.

‘How do these women work in a place like this?’ Crabbsly wondered.

Surveying the area with his keen crab eyes, he began the search for the CLAM informant. Through the haze he noticed a group of women dancing on a podium in front of a handful of men that looked half dead. But then again, so did the women. Dark circles had formed under their sad eyes and their skin had sallowed from years of bad diet and steady second hand smoke. Their fingertips were stained with (what he hoped) was Nicotine, and even their outfits, which looked like they had once been bright and colourful, had gained a tired, worn out look about them.

“Hey sugar, can I get you something?”

Crabbsly turned to the voice beside him and was stunned. The woman by his side was beautiful! She looked nothing like the worn out potato sack people on the podium.

“Oh, yes please. I’ll have a glass of water thankyou. And may I add you’re looking especially ravishing this fine evening?”

“Oh you, I bet you say that to all the ladies,” she gushed.

“No... no trust me, I don’t. Especially not to any of the ladies here,”

“Excuse me?”

“What I mean to say is, um.... You look quite different from your colleagues. Younger, brighter, happier,”

---

Not nearly as covered in diseases and sperm.

“Shut.up,”

---

“Why thankyou! I’ve only been here a week, I haven’t been given the opportunity to work much. None of the men here take kindly to newcomers. They all have their favourites, you know?”

“I can’t say that I do. I don’t frequent these places much,”

“Oh? Then what are you doing here? Undercover for some secret operation?” the girl giggled.

“I could ask you the very same thing,”

“I’m definitely undercover. I’m actually a mastermind criminal, can’t you tell? All mastermind criminals wear frilly lingerie and tassels,”

“If they did my job would be a whole lot more exciting,”

The woman regarded Crabbsly for a moment and smiled. “I get off work in 20 minutes. Let me buy you a drink when I’m done,”

“A gentleman could never accept a lady’s offer to buy him a drink, I’m sorry Miss,”

“Oh, I understand...” the woman said, sadness seeping into her big green eyes.

“I can, however, buy you a drink,”

“Fantastic! I’ll meet you out the front in about half an hour!” and with that she flounced off towards the bar, the feathers stuck to her butt bouncing all the while.

---

EXCUSE ME CRABBSLY

“Yes?”

You’re putting a total hamper on the story. This isn’t a romance it’s a thrilling James Bond-esque type novella! AND YOU’RE RUINING IT.

“Ruining it, or making it better?”

No, definitely ruining it. Nobody cares about you having a drink with some stripper. They want you to find the informant!

“Actually dog, I wanna see Crabberton get some fishy tail,”

Chilleh? What the hell are you doing here? You’re not even in this segment!

“I know, yo. So I had to be changin’ that. I’m what the readers wanna see, ya dig?”

“Excuse me Mr. Puss, but she writes, she doesn’t dig. And um, my name is Crabbsly,”

“Whatever Crabalambam, just go slam that fishy fishy tail aiight? Chilleh out,”

“He wants me to hit her?!”

No Crabbsly, I think he wants you to... oh look, never mind what HE wants .I’M the narrator and I want you to DO YOUR FREAKING JOB.

“You will not come between me and that beautiful woman, do you hear me? Besides, maybe she’ll know something about the informant. People tend to be a lot more observant in their first few days on the job,”

... um.

“See, Crabbsly knows what he’s doing. Now just leave it to me for once, ok Narrator Lady? You just kick back and watch the magic unfold,”

---

Will Crabbsly get any information out of the stripper, or will it be a giant downfall? Will he buy the lady dinner as well, or is he going to be a cheapskate? Is Chilleh Puss going to interrupt my narrating again? ALL THAT AND MORE, next time on Crablantis!

“What did I say? I told you to take a break, didn’t I? STOP NARRATING!”

But I’m wrapping up the segment!

“Our readers are plainly able to see this is the end, so go on now, scat!”

But-

“I SAID SCAT!”

The End

“OI!!!”

Something a little different

2011-05-10T22:35:00.003+10:00

So I haven't written anything fictional in a very long time, but today whilst I was having a very colourful Skype conversation I began doodling on my notepad and before I knew it, I'd doodled up the makings of a fantastic (yet somewhat insane) story. So from now on (when I can be bothered) I will be writing these short snippets of fiction because well, 1) I can and 2) change is good. Now hold onto your butts, because you're about to read the first part of what could be the most amazing story ever.

Adventures in Crablantis
Part 1, Segment 0.5, Chapter 1
Operation Caviar

It was a beautiful day in the city of Crablantis. Dropping his suitcase by his feet, Signor Crabbsly remarked on the stillness of the kelp and the gentle sounds of Dolphins in the distance. Although the city was surely beautiful, it didn’t mean Crabbsly wanted to be there. Who would want to leave behind what he did? Who would willingly lose what he did to be here? Who would-

---

“Ahem, excuse me Miss Narrator Lady”

Yes?

“I don’t think this story is titled “Crabbsly’s Past,”

How do you know? You’re just a crab.

“Be that as it may, but I’m a crab that can plainly see the title right there. ‘Operation Caviar’. Now shouldn’t you get back to talking about the actual story?”

...Fine. But just so you know, next week it’s going to be all about your past. And you’ll have NO IDEA WHAT’S COMING.

“Pretty sure you just told me what was coming right then.”

Shutup Crabbsly.

---

Begrudgingly Crabbsly opened the door to his new abode. For copyright reasons I cannot say it was shaped like a giant pineapple, but well... it was shaped very similarly to a spiky fruit that closely resembles a pineapple in every single way.

Kicking his suitcase into a corner, Crabbsly surveyed his new house. It was drab, it was mundane, but it held everything Crabbsly needed to fulfil his mission, and that was all that mattered right now. That was all that could matter, for if Crabbsly fell victim to distraction the whole operation would fail.

Before he could even begin unpacking his belongings there were eight knocks on his door.

“Yo bitch open yo damn door before I pop eight caps in yo crabby ass”

---

“Um, Narrator Lady? Don’t you think that’s a little bit racist? I mean, do you really want to annoy this guy?”

Why would I be worried about annoying him?

“Because he sounds dangerous”

Who’s racist now, huh Crab? Now grow some balls and get the door.

“I really don’t think that my anatomy includes these things you call ba-“

JUST ANSWER THE DOOR SO THE STORY CAN CONTINUE. Oh my god. You are the worst protagonist ever!

“Cripes. Sorry. Looks like a certain narrator is riding the crimson wave”

And then a bomb was dropped on Crabbsly’s house and he died. The end.

“OK, ok, I’m sorry. I’ll answer the door”

That’s what I thought. Freakin’ crab.

---

Crabbsly gingerly opened the door and gasped when he took in what he was seeing.

Floating before him was an Octopus, but no ordinary Octopus, oh no. This one had eight legs like any other, but under his translucent skin Crabbsly distinctly saw wires and electrodes instead of organs. On each of the Octopus’s legs were gold rings and bracelets, and adorning his neck was a heavy gold chain with an iceberg hanging from it. Behind him was a slab of dry wall, where it seemed the Octopus was plugged into a powerpoint.

“Yo, you Signor Crabbsten?”

“Crabbsly”

“Whatever Crabbington, just let me in. I’ve been waiting for you to get here for hours. Where the hell yo orange self been?”

“Well Turtle Trail Transport only runs so fast”

“Yeah yeah I don’t care. Listen, we’ve gotta get this operation under way you dig? That vault won’t stay closed for long, if those CLAMs have anything to do with it. It’s up to us as KELP to keep this thing from blowing open.”

“Er...what?”

“Yo dog, you weren’t even briefed before you came here? The hell those KELP offices do over in Aquarius City?”

---

Oi, Crabbsly You were so briefed on your mission before you came, remember? I spoke about it up there somewhere. About how important it is that you don’t get distracted. Remember?

“Well yes, but why is he talking in acronyms? Shouldn’t that be explained? By you? In the storyline? About three paragraphs ago?”

Probably. But it wasn’t. What’s your point?

“Just because we know what’s going on, doesn’t mean the readers do.”

You honestly think people are still reading this?

“Can you please just explain what’s going on so that I can go relax? Geez. Being in a story with you is like putting myself through the wringer. For a job”

Don’t you make me blow your house up again

“Uh, yo bitches? I don’t mean to be rude but can we get on with this? I have a date with a fine piece of tail in an hour”

Oh, sorry Octopus. Ok, so basically CLAM = Corrupting Lives of All Mermaids. They’re the bad guys, and word has it they have some big evil plan. Crabbsly is here as a KELP agent (Kongregation and Encouragement of the Livelihood of Pscises) to put an end to whatever dastardly deeds they’re up to.

---

“What’s our first step?”

“Word on the sand has it that there’s a CLAM informant working undercover at the local strip joint; The Coral Queef. Go there for a couple of nights and find out what you can. I won’t be speaking to you until you’ve found out that information. Don’t wanna arouse suspicion or some shit, yo.”

The Octopus picked up his dry wall and made his way toward the door.

“Oh wait! Mr Octopus sir, um, you never told me your name”

“They call me Chilleh. Chilleh Puss”

And with that he was gone.

Tune in next week for more adventures of Crablantis. What will Signor Crabbsly find at The Coral Queef? Will he pick up and possibly get a lay, or get accused of being a walking STI? And just what is in that vault that he has to protect? All of those questions and more, next time on Crablantis!

All These Things I've Done (while waiting for Optus to restore my internet)

2011-04-29T13:56:00.002+10:00

Wednesday 27^th April 2011
11:29am

It’s been two whole hours since the internet originally went down. Only an hour and a half of this have I been awake for, however, having stayed up until 4am playing Final Fantasy XIV. If I had known that a catastrophe of this sort was going to hit this morning, I would have stayed up for a lot longer.

But I suppose we all think things like that. And I suppose we all think them a little too late.

You hear on the TV all the time about these things happening to people. Well, in movies, anyway. But the movies make you think that if you have a shotgun and a slightly rough-cut but very good looking main character you’re going to be fine. Pretty people with shotguns can achieve anything, says Hollywood. But what about pretty people armed with nothing? All I have here is my keyboard. My trusty keyboard, connected to my PC. But a lot of good that does me without an internet connection doesn’t it?

I just keep staring at that blinking modem light, waiting for it to stay solid. With solidity comes sanity. With solidity comes sociality. With sociality comes connection. And oh how I long to be connected once again.

I wonder if anyone has missed me yet? I wonder if my twitter buddies are wondering why it’s been over 15 minutes since my last tweet. I wonder if anyone on Facebook has noticed my absence amidst their frantic ‘liking’ of random groups that have seemingly funny titles at the beginning but then later turn out to just be stupid.

Know what the worst part is? I just know that there are people out there with internet. There are people out there blogging right now. It’s only a matter of time until they realise mine has gone down and come to rub it in my face. I don’t know what I’ll do then. I just don’t know.

2:32pm

Managed to catch a few hours of sleep, which is a wonder for me under any circumstances, but especially today. Forced myself out of bed with the hope of solidity behind me only to be met with blinking. Always blinking. I’ve always had a fear of blinking lights. Not just because they’re creepy, but because it seems as though they can never make up their mind. And the unexpected is never stable. It is never solid. Just like my modem.

I never thought he would turn on me too.

2:45pm

Ravenous. Need to eat. My last meal was yesterday, before the horror started. Searching the house the only thing I could find was a bunny. I told myself that I would never eat a poor defenceless animal, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Caressing it’s foily skin and ringing the little bow around it’s neck I stare lovingly at the animal I am about to slaughter for my own selfish hunger. It never did anything to me. All it did was sit there, but today I was going to kill it. Nay, I was going to give it a greater purpose in life. I was going to give this bunny meaning. But not before one final goodbye.

Farewell Lindt Chocolate Bunny. I hope you find a better place in my stomach than you did in my cupboard.

4:30pm

Received a phone call from a friend saying that she still had internet. It wouldn’t last long, knowing the state of things, so I had to make a snap decision; race over there in the hopes the internet would still be there when I got there or remain in the safety of my own home waiting for the insanity of the blinking light to get to me. Easy decision I thought, so I grabbed my stuff and left as quick as I could.

7pm

Received a call from my brother who’d finally awoken from his deep slumber. It’s funny how some people do that. The technological world around him had ended, and he slept straight through it, oblivious to it all.

“Jenn, our internet seems to be back up,” he said.

For a moment I was shocked. I didn’t know what to say. All these hours without internet and suddenly, it was back. Just like that?

“Oi did you hear me? Our internet is back up!”

“I heard you Daniel, geez. Thanks for telling me”

“Now can you come home and set up our network again? I wanna play TF2 on my laptop”

9:30pm

Everything was quiet at my friend’s place; an oddity since everything is usually chaotic like a circus. We were all happily sitting watching television, grateful to have survived the technical apocalypse. My friend got off the couch and made her way to the computer to look something up, but before she could get there, a strangled cry came from the other room.

“OUR INTERNET IS DOWN!”

With fear in our eyes we all lurched towards the modem and sure enough, the light was blinking.

Blinking.

Always blinking.

Perhaps we had survived nothing at all. Perhaps this was only the beginning.

For them, anyway. I still had the internet over at my place.

End

Tales from the Otherside, pt2

2011-04-26T13:14:00.004+10:00

When did I become so old and cynical? I should be enjoying the last years of my twenties, rather than waving a cane at those darned kids.

There's a certain elitism within any subculture, but taking Penny Arcade's 'Wad Theory' (normal person + anonymity + audience = total wad) online gaming can be more of a frustration than a joy. The release of the '119th or so' update for Team Fortress 2 on April 29, 2010 caused the trolls to get mighty hungry, which begged the question: when did the sense of netiquette vanish without a trace?

Innuendo, jibes and general idiocy can be fine among friends in jest, but parading around online and boasting of mighty (though ultimately superfluous) gaming deeds to a community of strangers just makes you sound like a complete arse. For example, introduce a tiny medal awarded purely on when you first started playing TF2, and the elitist trolls rise up like a foul stench as if the "achievement" has any real value at all.

Having waited patiently for that download to complete, I joined a public server and received my medal only to be greeted by someone making a crack about 'another runner-up'. I shrugged and got on with playing, but as more 'runner-up' prizes were issued, this particular person became incessantly vulgar and personal towards others.

Which makes me wonder; why? It's one thing to be proud of a particular skill, but to verbally attack people based on your own imagined superiority is needless, and detracts from the fun that gaming is supposed to bring.

When you're calm and rational, this sort of behaviour is irritating but tends to go through a personal filter; and is ultimately ignored. But how many of us boot up a game when we're feeling agitated wanting to unwind only to encounter the exact sort of behaviour we hoped to escape from? That's when it becomes a problem for the rational gamer.

Unfortunately, some trolls know no bounds. There have been those who take their vitriolic antics to extreme levels; harassing parents of teens who have committed suicide, or died because of avoidable situations. Often these are anonymous people, never having known the families or victims, adding to the pain and suffering of those left behind to deal with the loss. Situations like these are the epitome of cowardly malice, they defy all sense of empathy, reason and logic.

These personas don't always stay online, and trolls should be aware that there are consequences out in the real world. They should be mindful, however, that outside the security of their bedrooms, behaviour like this isn't met with empty threats but often with a monumental beating. Or worse if they aren't so lucky.

Wise up. It's a game, be civil and have fun.

Written by Gentil Fernandes

My Travels Through Eorzea- Day One

2011-04-21T11:49:00.002+10:00

Everybody I know ragged on FF14 from the very start. Everybody had high hopes, but nobody’s were fulfilled. Being the massive Final Fantasy fan that I am, I decided to pick it up and give it a go. Because who knows, I might just love it.

Day 1, Gridania City, Eorzea

Who am I? I am nobody. Well, I guess I’m somebody. Everybody has to be somebody. So I guess, in saying that, I am Lionheart, a simple Pugilist (fist fighter) from the local lands. And today I am having a simple day that is unlike any other I have had before. Except, suddenly it’s going to be unlike any other, because that’s how it always goes in Final Fantasy games isn’t it?

My first day in Eorzea was a mighty confusing one. As I was walking through the forest a meteor…ship…thing came crashing through the forests surrounding Gridania. Being the adventurous little Miqo’te (yeah, I don’t know what that is either, but I look like a cat) I am, I ran straight towards the sound and found two lifeless bodies, who of course, woke up as soon as I got there (great timing guys).

After fighting off some rather scrawny looking wolves (who were obviously attracted by my cat-like appearance) we made our way to the city of Gridania, where our adventures really began. Well, where my adventure began. Those other two got accused of wood-sin or green-stain or something. They’re wood defilers, basically (haha…oh come on you know you giggled too).

Apparently I was afflicted with this wood-sin-thing too, though I’m not sure how, since all I did was stroll through the forest, but a woman in the Adventurers Guild (who calls herself “Mother”) is a constant source of quests. The more quests I do to help out the forest, the more pure I can get my soul. These sorts of quests are called Guild Leve quests, and you do them to appease the guardians, who in turn, buff you and make you awesome (I think. They better, anyway).

After doing some of those quests for a while, I decided to proceed along with the main quest. (Yes, there’s a main quest in this MMO. Think of it, not as an MMO, but as a Final Fantasy game with some online elements). The main quest Is still all about absolving my sin from the wood, and who better to help me than a couple of kids. Kids who bribe me with candy and ask favours of me before helping me do anything. Damn children.

p.s sorry about picture quality. Had to reduce it to fit into stupid blog

So tra la la la off we travel into the forest so the kids can put some mask on some stump (evidently I’m really in tune with the storyline). Suddenly I hear a familiar “kupo” from behind me and squeal a little as a Moogle approaches me. What the moogle said to me, I have no idea, as the stupid game glitched, but from what I gather, a girl called Fae has gone missing and it’s up to me to save her. Not the five other people who bought the game, just me. Oh well. Here we go.

GirpDirpHurrrr

2011-04-20T00:47:00.005+10:00

So way back when I first started this writing shindig I used to take requests from people, and one of these requests was “please play ‘Robot Unicorns Attack’”. So I did. I played the game, I suffered through the somewhat fantastic, mostly brain destroying theme song, and managed to churn out about 500 words on it.

Since I’m running out of ideas for my blog, I’ve decided to start taking review requests once more. Of course, because my friends are total douchebags, the first games that were suggested were QWOP and GIRP. Not being one to go back on my word, I decided to undertake this challenge, but do myself the favour of including them in a double feature. So here goes. Get ready to read the biggest load of crap ever written.

QWOP

What is it?
That’s a really bloody good question. In QWOP you’re a runner in the Olympics. Your aim is to run 100m, but because your team was severely under funded you’re going to be lucky if you get over the starting line. The Q and W keys control the runner’s thighs whilst O and P control his calves. Get the idea? If you don’t, then your brain is dented because it can’t be any simpler than how I’ve put it.

What I “liked”:

The only thing I liked about this game is when you fail abysmally (which you do, constantly, because this game is pixel hell) the runner falls on his head with a satisfying crack. Or he splits his groin in half. Or falls backwards. No matter how you fail, it looks damn painful and bloody hell it feels good to know he shares the pain we go through by playing this goddamn game.

What I didn’t like:

Everything. I didn’t achieve more than 2.4 metres and it shitted me right off. It got to the point where I hoped if I held down Q and W hard enough he’d split in half. But he didn’t. And that annoys me.

Final thoughts:

This game is annoying. So annoying I want to rip it out of my computer screen, light it on fire and throw it out a window. I hate the stupid runner and his shitty retarded legs. I hate his under funded Olympics team and everybody else on it. And I hope someone sets him alight with the Olympic torch.

GIRP

What is it?

You are some guy. Your aim is to climb up a mountain before the water level rises and you die. End of story. The handholds have letters on them. Press the letter and your little dude will try and grab onto them. If you get to the end you apparently get some sort of prize however I wouldn’t know, as I don’t have the patience to do such a thing.

What I “liked”:

This game has an ending. It is apparently possible to finish this game. I haven’t had such luck (if you can call it that) but it’s nice to know that you can achieve something by playing this game (apart from wanting to put a bullet through your skull).

What I didn’t like:

I feel like if I say ‘everything’ again, it’s sort of a rip off. And, I suppose, I didn’t hate everything in this game. However what particularly annoyed me was when the handhold is clearly within the dude’s reach, and he just refuses to grab it. THE LETTER T IS RIGHT THERE DUDE. GRAB IT. FRICKIN GRAB IT NOW.

Final thoughts:

Don’t quote me on this, but I’ve heard that not even the guy who created this game can finish it. However he seems like the sort of person who licks the windows on buses, so that doesn’t surprise me in the slightest.

To sum up:

As much as I wish I could destroy these games, they’re strangely addictive. I feel like I simply must reach over a metre in QWOP, and knowing that there’s an end to GIRP makes it more frustrating that I can’t get to it. If I had to sum up these two games in a sentence, it would be this: At least Robot Unicorns Attack had a theme song.

Please Note: The title of this entry was what these games did to my brain.
Also: If you have a game you would like me to review, just let me know. I'm open to anything I can get my hands on (evidently, if I just spent my night writing about this crap)

Goodnight, travel well

2011-04-13T12:59:00.001+10:00

If anyone has ever had the, er...pleasure of listening to me bitch about stuff, then you probably know that I have some trouble with sleep. I don’t know what it is, really. I guess I must have said something to piss it off, or cheated on it with a nap. Either way, whatever I did has guaranteed I don’t get a good night’s sleep all that often anymore.

One of my big problems is that once I hit the sack, my brain suddenly decides it’s time to make me crave foods I can’t have. Bacon, cupcakes, kebabs, thai food, you name it; if it’s tasty I’ll have a hankering for it at 4am. Thanks brain.

I’ve tried many different remedies to fix my sleep deprivation (though nothing short of stuffing myself senseless before bed will cure my cravings) but nothing seemed to do much good. Until one night one of my helpful twitter buddies suggested I try an ipod/iphone app called Pzizz. At first I was skeptical, but I figured, hey, technology has never steered me wrong before! Plus it was recommended to me by the wonderful Nathan Cocks (as seen in Aussie gaming magazines Hyper and PC Powerplay, for my American readers), and when Cocksy says to try something, it usually either works, or is hilarious. And that was all I needed to give it a go.

There are two versions of Pzizz. One is used as a rejuvenation tool to give you an energy boost, and the other is used for deep sleep. I purchased the latter and used it that night. I cleared my head the best I could, put my mobile somewhere it couldn’t distract me and let the app do its thing.

In a nutshell:

The app starts with soothing sounds to set the mood; waves crashing, wind blowing, chimes ringing. Then a man’s voice starts talking to you, telling you that we’re going to work together to make the transition into restful sleeping. That’s all well and dandy, but as soon as he says “you might decide to let my voice wash over you” he immediately stops being the lovely helpful narrator and turns into a Wolf Creek-esque backpacker murdering creep. But hey, there’s nothing like the water from the top end, so let’s just keep going shall we?

What I liked:

When this app wasn’t scaring the pants off me (keep reading) I actually found it quite relaxing. Even though the narrator (if you can really call him that) had a voice like a seasoned paedophile, I have to admit that if I tuned him out and focused solely on the background noise, I became quite relaxed. In fact I found myself in such a calm, relaxed state of mind I had to continually fight off the urge to pee. To some people, this might sound like a bad thing, but really, if an app can make me need to pee, then I’m impressed. Who wouldn’t be!?

The app put me to sleep, there’s no doubt about that, however the dreams it gave me were quite...odd. Because Cocks was the person that recommended this to me, I found my dreams often included him in some bizarre culmination of the app and my over-active imagination. For example, one of the ones I remember included Cocks surfing in the ocean...riding a dinosaur. Another one included him being caught in a belltower with the creepy narrator while Pyramid Head from Silent Hill tracked them down. Though these dreams were incredibly weird and somewhat disturbing, they beat the dreams I normally have (which are either frightening beyond all reason or just plain boring). So if nothing else, this app does provide some slumber entertainment.

What I didn’t like:

The app uses a bell throughout the duration of the session; however it isn’t a lovely tinkly bell like you’d expect. Oh no, this bell sounds like something to symbolise that all hell is about to break loose. It reminded me strongly of the bell used in the Silent Hill movie, and that meant “get the fuck to safety otherwise your face is gonna get torn off by monsters.” Needless to say, every time I heard this noise I immediately thought that Pyramid Head was going to emerge from under my bed, and I became insanely afraid.

Though Pzizz did succeed in putting me to sleep, it didn’t succeed in keeping me asleep, which the Pierce Brosnan meets John Wayne Gacy Jnr narrator said it would. Before the app begins, you set a time for how long you would like it to go for. I always pick an hour, because I figure if I’m awake for any longer I might as well get back up and start gaming again. That being said, I have never been able to listen to the app in full; always falling asleep before it is finished. However, once the app is over and everything becomes silent once more, I am jolted awake by the loss of noise. Now maybe that’s just me being spaztastic, but suddenly waking up because the noise has stopped seems like the opposite of what a sleeping app should achieve.

Sooo...

If you answer ‘No’ to any or all of these questions, then this could be the app to cure your insomnia once and for all.

Do you mind being lulled to sleep by a man with a voice that sounds like he’ll gut you once your eyes are closed?

Do you have an overactive imagination that creates insane dreams on a regular basis?

Do you have a severe hatred towards iPods and iPhones?

Do you mind spending 8 aussie dollars on an app like this?

Do you often have night terrors, even without the use of a fear inducing app such as this?

Do you have a weak bladder?

If you answered nothing but ‘No’, then I’d recommend downloading Pzizz. If you had a few ‘yes’s’ in there, then hell, do it anyway for the lols. If you answered all of the questions with ‘yes’ then, well..Um. Nope. Thought I had a witty little quip there but I don’t.

Goodnight everybody. Pleasant dreams!

The Gaming Hangover

2011-03-28T13:50:00.002+11:00

In the few weeks since the release of Dragon Age 2 and Pokemon Black and White I’ve found myself faced with incredibly tough decisions every day. The most pressing is of course, “Do I play Pokemon or Dragon Age?” but then there are the lesser questions like “Should I put down my DS so I can eat?” and “Should I attempt to sleep because it’s 6am, or just keep playing through the night?”

Most of the time video games will win over everything else (except for the few hours of sleep and food I need to remain alive) and though that means I spend most of my hours having the greatest time ever, it also means that when I eventually get up the next morning, I feel bloody awful. This state of being is something I have named the “gaming hangover”, and now that I’ve looked into it, I’ve found it much more threatening than any normal hangover could possibly be.

Everybody over the age of 18 (or 21 if you’re living in America) knows what it’s like to be hung-over (well, almost everyone. I can think of a few people that don’t, but naming them really wrecks my analogy). We’re well aware of how happy we are while we’re drinking, and how much fun losing our inhibitions can be. We’ve all felt the cold hard concrete against our cheek when we fall over and decide being on the ground is more fun than standing up. We’ve all become familiar with the rolling waves of nausea that tell us we drank far too much and we’ve all suffered through the pounding headache and voluntary vampirism the next morning.

Once the hangover passes we don’t tend to get on the drink again until at least the next weekend, as the very mention of alcohol can cause you to gag, but with video games it’s different. We want to see games the next day. We want to see them every day for as long as we live because they’re so damn entertaining. And that’s what makes the gaming hangover so much more deadly than anything alcohol related; we’ll keep going back every single day. Though our heads may be pounding and our stomach's churning, we will not stop!

Almost every morning since the release of DA2 and Pokémon I have woken up feeling like someone has put me through the wringer. I crawl out of bed with stiff limbs while I nurse a pounding headache and stare absently through blurry, bloodshot eyes. Often I’ll find myself sitting on the couch with my playstation controller in my lap, but be too sick and sore to even press the button to turn it on. I’d have thought that after keeping this routine up for a few weeks I’d be over it, but it seems that my body simply isn’t built for so many gaming hours a day.

The scary part of gaming hangovers is that falling asleep grants no release from the symptoms. Not only does it take hours before you’re tired enough to sleep anyway, but once you do your mind is so alive with images it just doesn’t rest. I have spent more nights than I can count watching flashes of colour sweep past my eyelids while squiggles of light dart around like fireflies. And that’s before the dreams start. Ever seen Pikachu rip off Morrigan’s face and eat it? Or seen a sim spin-jump and turn into a dragon? Because you don’t bloody want to.

Luckily for me not every game I play has the ability to do this to me. Just the ones I really enjoy (ain’t that a bitch). Main contenders in the “Lets give Jenn a gaming hangover” competition are the Dragon Age games, the Pokémon series, The Sims 2 (and to a lesser extent for the first month it came out, 3) and of course, the Final Fantasy series.

As of yet I haven’t been able to find a cure for gaming hangovers, except to pump myself full of Panadol and then do it all over again. But I figure if drinking through a hangover can stop alcoholics from getting them, then certainly the same thing has to apply to gamers.

Surely if we invest enough of our time, energy, body and soul into a game, we’ll be much too distracted to lament over the symptoms that are steadily taking over. Either that or we could just take a break...but who the hell wants to do that?

HAPPY MERRY BIRTHDAY BLOG

2011-03-23T12:02:00.002+11:00

It was this time exactly a year ago that I published my very first blog entry, and officially took the first step on my path towards becoming a games journalist. And oh my holy crap what a year it has been.

I've always wanted to write, ever since I figured out I wasn't half bad at it. After the HSC I got into the journalism course at the uni I had been dreaming about since year 4, but then made the decision to turn it down so I could stay close to my partner and family instead of moving 6 hours inland. Instead, I opted to do Primary Teaching at a different university and for the first year it wasn't too bad.

It was during prac on my second year that I realised teaching wasn't what I wanted to do. I remember messaging a friend of mine constantly and counting down the days and hours until I didn't have to do this anymore. Prac was meant to be the fun part of the course, but it was the part I looked forward to the least, and that's when I knew I had to leave.

I knew that I wanted to do writing, but wasn't sure what sort of writing I wanted to do. Luckily for me, one of my beautiful friends suggested I try out games journalism. I like video games, I like writing, why not put the two together? So my blog was set up, I began crunching out reviews for Kotaku and building up my portfolio of work.

The first year of this was hard. There were countless text messages sent telling people "I give up, I can't do this" and numerous phone calls where I'd be in tears, wondering why I ever gave up teaching in the first place. But for every night I spent with my stomach in knots, worrying that I was going nowhere, I had a small success to bring me back.

The first time I was ever published on Kotaku I was ecstatic. I rang everyone I knew, linked my article everywhere, raved about it for days. Same happened when I got published in MX and when I worked with The Gamer's Thumb.

Now I have an article coming out in PC Powerplay on April 6th (so make sure you grab it, or else) I write for The Black Panel (who send me free games and are amazing) I still write for MX when I can find the time and I update this blog, so that you happy little readers can distract yourself from more pressing duties once a week.

I wouldn't have gotten anywhere without the help of everybody. And I mean everybody. If you're sitting there thinking "does she mean me?" then you've probably done something to help me out along the way. So thanks, to all of you. I told myself that if I hadn't gotten anywhere after a year I would go back to teaching, but it is because of the support of everyone reading this that I'm able to stay just where I am. Thanks again, and a happy merry birthday blog day to all of you!

Pokemon: the cementer of friendship, the bringer of joy

2011-03-14T10:51:00.004+11:00

Michael Jackson told us for years that “it don’t matter if you’re black or white”, and though this was sound advice, it really didn’t help the scores of people who had to make the life changing choice between Pokemon Black and White last Thursday. However, no matter which one you chose one thing was guaranteed: you’re going to walk away smiling (not that you’re going to be walking away any time soon).

I’ve been a fan of Pokemon since the original games came out. One of my earliest memories is my brother getting the old school Red version and a Game Boy for his birthday. So of course I had to nab it as quickly as I could; slipping it inconspicuously into my purse so I could play it while I followed my mother around the super market. (So I wasn’t a very good sister. If you have a little brother you’re meant to be annoying. It’s the rule.)

For longer than I’d like to remember, I have always had to share my Pokemon games with someone. My childhood years were plagued by the words “is it my turn yet?” and even in my late teens I had to share my Nintendo DS with my boyfriend. Those fuzzy little pocket monsters did nothing except fuel arguments and harbour tension while I was growing up, but now that I’m an adult (technically anyway) I’ve found the game to have quite the opposite effect.

My best friend isn’t a gamer like myself. Sure she gets addicted to facebook games and suffers through the odd Wii adventure every now and then, but start saying words like “dps” “MMORPG” or “online multiplayer” and you can watch as her eyes glaze over and she disappears to her happy place. Recently however, she bought Pokemon Black for the child in her family, and while she watched the kid play the game silently, entranced, the want to raise her own Pokemon consumed her. So after numerous negative answers to “Can I have a turn?” she decided to purchase Pokemon White for herself. And she and I have never been closer.

Last Saturday night we stayed in, because that’s what the cool kids do. But what makes us even cooler is that we stayed in, and played Pokemon for hours on end. The TV was on in the background but neither of us cared; our eyes weren’t looking anywhere except at our DS screens. For hours we sat in silence, not saying anything except throwing the odd curse word around or occasionally screaming “WEASEL BITCH, I’LL KILL YOU!” or “Oh my god it ate my berry. FAT SHIT GIVE IT BACK”. Communication with each other was minimal, but while very few words were spoken, we were bonding, both with each other, and our Pokemon.

Of course, the first thing I did after leaving her house was gush to anyone who would listen about how awesome it was to finally be able to share my love of video games with my best friend. It opened up a whole new channel of conversation topics I’ve never had before! And now it’s got me thinking, maybe Pokemon is just the first step. Maybe I can get her to battle her way through an RPG, or even throw herself into an MMO!

I used to think that people our age couldn’t be turned into gamers. I believed that if you were in your 20’s and you’d never heard the call of a video game console then the chances are you probably never would. But Pokemon has given me hope; it’s given me a shiny ray of sunshine to hold on to. Not only is the new instalment of this series fun to play, but it brings people together. It changes lives. And its reasons like this that I say ‘shutup and jump in a lake’ to all those who call it a repetitive money grubbing rehash of an old game. Sure that might be the case, but if you can diss Pokemon knowing that it’s a fun, enjoyable experience that can unite people and potentially stop wars (it could happen) then shame on you. FOR SHAME!

Rift: The WoW Killer?

2011-03-08T12:28:00.004+11:00

When Trion Worlds chose to use the slogan“We’re not in Azeroth anymore” to market their new MMO Rift, they knew what they were doing. You don’t throw down for a battle with the world’s most popular MMO unless you have a few tricks up your sleeve. And boy, does Rift know how to do some fancy tricks.

People are calling it “the WoW killer”, and the general consensus around the community is that it's shovelling dirt onto WoW’s grave as we speak. With Cataclysm driving many casual players away from the World of Warcraft franchise, Trion Worlds couldn’t have picked a better time to release this game. I’ve sunk 45 blissful hours into it so far, and now I get to tell you guys what I’ve thought of it.

My Story

My first experience with an MMO was almost four years ago now. I’d bought a season of South Park that included a free trial of World of Warcraft. To silence the inner nerd within, I installed it on my laptop, spent about eight hours patching it and then started playing. And I fell in love.

The game was so easily addictive and so easy to get into. Though I had pretty much no idea what I was doing until about a month later, I was having the time of my life. Before my ten days were up I purchased the full game along with Burning Crusade and set off on my journey through Azeroth.

I remained loyal to WoW through the Burning Crusade, though I was too low of a level to enjoy any of the end game content. By the time I was of level, Wrath of the Lich King had come out, and I moved straight onto that.

My level 80 mage and I had some very fond memories over the years. Like the time I got lost in Undercity, my raid on the alliance cities and of course; the devastating realisation that Mankrik’s wife was, in fact, dead. (I’m not joking. The first time I did that quest I honestly thought I’d find her alive, and when she wasn’t I was actually quite sad for poor old Mankrik).

Because I have such fond memories of Azeroth, when I found out that the whole point of Cataclysm was to destroy it, I found myself quite turned off. Sure, I had the odd urge to resubscribe every now and again (who doesn’t?) but the thought of seeing my little world torn to pieces wasn’t appealing. And so I didn’t go back when it came out, I haven’t gone back yet, and I don’t think I ever will. Especially now that I have Rift.

The Story

In Rift, you are an Ascended, sent to save the world of Telara from rifts, evil dragon kings, enemy invasions and a plethora of other things. In the opening of the game you are transported to a world in the middle of a war. Everything is hectic, and the very earth is blowing up around you. The future is beyond hope, and thus you are sent into the past to save Telara from the devastating rifts that seek to destroy everything we know.

What I Like

Character Creation

The character creation screen is surprisingly in depth for an MMO. Finally, my characters won’t all look the same! Firstly you are asked to choose a faction; Guardian or Defiant, and then choose a race. Each faction has three different races; the Guardians have High Elves, Dwarves, and Mathosians (the “humans” of the faction) and Defiants have the Eth (the “humans”) the Kelari (the dark elves) and the Bahmi (the huge, funny coloured humans).

Classes

Classes in Rift use the ‘soul system’. During character creation you pick whether you’re going to be a Warrior, Rogue, Mage or Cleric, and then in game you get to customise these roles even more. Within each class are eight different ‘souls’. For example, if you decide to pick Rogue as your class, you have the soul options of bard, assassin, ranger, saboteur etc. Being able to choose three different builds means variety. It means having three mages in your party is no longer a bad thing, because chances are they all have very different strengths and weaknesses.

Another plus about the soul system is that each class now has the option to heal themselves. The beauty of this is that if you’re questing alone you no longer need to worry about having your ass kicked. Bards can play tunes to bring their health back up, warriors have the option of being paladins, clerics have pretty much every option under the sun, and even mages have a healing soul they can choose if they so wish.

Playability

This game is quite graphics heavy, but if you have a PC that can run it with everything on full, it’s worth it, because the world is gorgeous. I upgraded my graphics card simply so I could see Telara in all its splendour, and I’m not regretting it. However, even before upgrading my card the game ran quite smoothly if I had everything on low. Also, playing with everything on the lowest settings doesn’t make the game look awful either. Sure the details aren’t as crisp, but it’s not like you’re running around in a blurred blob of a world.

Rifts

I can’t write anything about Rift and not mention the rifts. Rifts are tears in the plane that randomly occur in the world. When you enter one you are given criteria to meet before you can advance to the next stage of the rift. Criteria is simple, and often consists of ‘kill x amount of these creatures’ or ‘defeat this boss’. When you fulfil the criteria for the last stage of the rift it becomes sealed, and you get to reap your rewards. Commonly rifts reward players in planarite, which is traded to vendors for gear or items; however they can also award artefacts and other random goodies.

If you have a decent group of people, rifts are a fun way to gather planarite and experience points. However, that being said, rifts can also be incredibly annoying. When they open on top of you and you get ganked, it sucks. When a quest item you need is right in the middle of one, it sucks. When you log in to find your camp overrun by monsters, it sucks. Still, they’re something new in an MMO, and you get used to avoiding them when you need to.

What I Don’t Like

So.Much.Undead

In this game I play a character on both factions; Guardian and Defiant. In the Guardian world I have fought fawns, faeries, treants and humanoids, and loved it. The world is beautiful and green and the accompanying soundtrack is peaceful and relaxing. It’s the kind of world I love to quest in, as even when I’m getting my ass kicked, I can still appreciate how lovely the thing killing me looks.

The Defiants on the other hand, have their stories closely tied to the undead. So you end up fighting skeletons, ghosts, zombies and the like constantly. Just when you think you’ve moved on to a different sort of enemy they drag you straight bag down to a crypt. I’m not a fan of the undead, but even if I was I think I’d be sick of killing them by now anyway. However there are brief periods where they aren’t seen, and this is a welcome change. Plus the Defiants half of the map is still an interesting place to be in, even if it is surrounded by dead people.

Constant server maintenance

Every single night that I have played this game the servers have gone down for “brief updates”. Now I understand that this is a brand new MMO, and the fact that Trion Worlds is going to the effort to fix issues daily is a good thing. However it’s still annoying when you just start an epic story quest and get told that the servers are going down. The longest period of downtime I’ve seen has been 2 hours, whilst the shortest has been 15 minutes. Fortunately this seems to happen late at night, between the hours of 1-3am Aussie time and 5-8am server time, so it could be worse. And everybody seems to love the sound that chimes every time the server makes an announcement. There’s something just so happy about that dinging sound. I can’t explain it, but I really like it.

Invasions

Every so often Telara will be invaded by someone. Depending on who and where you are, the invading forces differ. Sometimes it’ll be trolls, sometimes it’ll be undead (surprise surprise), sometimes it’ll be fire elementals or even the opposing faction. When invasions occur it is up to everybody to band together and defeat the invaders, lest they overrun the area. Unfortunately, this doesn't always go to plan. Sometimes people just can’t be bothered protecting Telara, instead opting to quest or run instances. Of course, this means the invaders win, and take over everything. Camps get wiped out, NPC’s die and merchants and quest givers disappear completely. Today I spent 15 minutes watching an invading mob kill the person I needed to turn a quest into over and over again. And there was nothing I could do, because five elites versus one little rogue equals death in any circumstances. If everybody had put as much effort into defeating the invasions as they were avoiding them, they would have been beaten in a jiffy. But I guess you can’t have everything.

The Little Things...

Currency: 100 silvers make a gold, 100 gold make a platinum, 100 platinim makes you rich.
When my character runs she breathes heavy. When she’s close to dying I can hear her heartbeat. When it’s raining, her clothes darken to show me that she’s wet. When she’s stunned, she sees double and everything slows down. It’s a nice touch.
Artefacts are collectible items around the world. Find all the artefacts in a set and get a lucky coin. Get enough lucky coins and trade them in for companions and pets.
Guilds have quests to complete now, and each successfully completed guild quest raises the guild a level, entitling it to cool perks.
Communication channels include the regular Area, Guild, Trade etc, but Level channels have also been introduced, which is especially handy when recruiting for instances or asking for help with a quest.

Is it worth it?

I told a friend of mine the other night “If you played WoW and hated it, you’ll play Rift and bear it. If you played WoW and loved it, you’ll enjoy Rift even more. If you’ve never played WoW, I’d suggest waiting for a free trial before spending any money on it.” And that’s how my opinion stands. I never thought anything would replace WoW, but Rift has definitely done that for me. Even without comparing it to something else it is a brilliant game by its own merits. It brings unique gameplay aspects into a creative, living world, providing us with interesting quests and places to see along the way. Rift is definitely marked on my list of successes for 2011.

My Time With The 3DS

2011-02-15T17:25:00.002+11:00

Last Thursday I was one of the 200 and something lucky people who had the opportunity to haul ass to the city and try out the spanking new 3DS. To be honest, I went into the event pretty disinterested. I mean sure, it was exciting because it’s brand new and 3D, but then again, so is everything these days. While I stood in line I was handed a pre-order slip and put it straight into my wallet without giving it a second thought. The 3DS is retailing at $349 and that’s money I just don’t want to spend on a handheld console.

But that was until I had the opportunity to try it out for myself.

The first thing I noticed was how impressive the 3D effects actually were. The second thing was that I was staring at Solid Snake who was literally bursting out of the screen, so that if I had moved my thumb the tiniest bit, we’d be touching. And it was from that moment that I decided the 3DS was definitely, very, very cool.

First Impressions

- The 3D on the console is surprisingly effective, considering you don’t have to wear 3D glasses. It is not just the menu, or interface that bursts out of the screen, but the characters and their movements as well.

- The console is a lot larger than the DS Lite (roughly the same size as the DSXL) but was comfortable to hold in my hands. I found this especially positive, as my hands have been compared to those of a very small child. The addition of the analogue stick is welcomed, and though swapping between it and the D-Pad was awkward at first, it became much easier the more I did it. Like with most other controllers, my gamers hand soon found its way, and the button mashing becomes instinctual.

- 3D was most effective when you were staring at the console face on, and holding it approximately 30cm from your face.

- The graphics look cleaner and much crisper, but there hasn’t been much of an upgrade from what we saw on the DS. To me that seems a little lazy, like Nintendo knew they could put minimal effort into some areas, simply because they were aware of the selling power of 3D.

What did I play

The first game I actually got to play on the console was Zelda. Now I know I’m probably going to be exiled from the community after saying this, but I haven’t really ever played Zelda titles before. I had a brief stint with one of the Game Boy Advance, but it never really drew me in. However I enjoyed the moments I had with the game on the 3DS.

I button mashed through the storyline, the conversation and the tutorials then ran around like a mad thing chopping everything in my path and whacking things with my stick. If you were there that night and heard a strange girl yelling things like “Take that flowers, feel the force of my stick!” or “come here and let me hit you with my nuts!” and then giggling profusely at the word ‘nuts,’ then that was most definitely me, and just about sums up my experience with the game.

After being deemed a “very odd girl” by the Nintendo guy I moved eagerly to the next game I could play and this one was called Augmented Reality. And it was amazing. This was the game that changed my concept of the 3DS, and ensured that on release date I’d be picking one up for myself.

Augmented Reality goes like this. There was a table in front of me with a card on it. The card looked like this:

I aimed the 3DS camera at the card and a little box popped up on my screen. It was cool, bouncing around on top of the card, just chilling, and then I spotted a target inside it. The Nintendo girl told me to shoot it, and I did. Proud of myself for getting it on my first go, I whooped in delight and looked around to see if anyone was watching. They weren’t, and in this moment of self love a bunch of other boxes had popped up on my screen. These all had targets inside as well, but some were hidden deeper in the boxes than others, meaning I had to crouch down to position myself in front of the box, rather than on top of it before I could aim properly.

Just when I thought I’d completed the level, a bunch more boxes popped up, these ones flying all over the place and making it damn near impossible to shoot what I needed to. But after a brief period of time where I closed my eyes, mashed A and hoped for the best, I’d completed that objective too.

But then came the big guy.

A surprisingly cool looking dragon popped his head out of the card and glared at me with angry eyes. Deciding that he wasn’t going to be my newest best friend, I began shooting him for all I was worth. This dragon was the boss, the be all and end all of my stint with Augmented Reality and I wanted to go out with a bang. I dodged fireballs, I shot bullets, I called that dragon every name under the sun. I turned into a worm; wiggling this way and that to shoot him from every angle I could so that I would be victorious. And though I’m sure I made a fool of myself, I was the winner of the battle, and damn it felt good.

Drawbacks

The 3DS is extremely cool, but it does have its setbacks. For example, if you view the screen from the wrong angle all you’ll see is a picture of blurred images that all seem to bleed together in that reddy green haze 3D images get. It’s very similar to the picture you’d see at the movies if you take off your glasses midway through. This means the console isn’t one you’re going to be playing in bed before you sleep, or even while you lounge on the couch. Considering that these two places were almost the only locations I ever played the old DS, this would probably present a problem for me.

If you’re one of those people that can’t handle 3D for long due to the strain it puts on your eyes or the inevitable headache that forms, the console does have a slider to adjust the intensity of the effects. Though this is a good idea, it almost defeats the purpose of playing the console in the first place. Without the 3D effects the handheld is nothing more than a slightly larger, much more expensive DS.

Final Thoughts

The 3DS is new, exciting and innovative. Whenever Nintendo do something, they tend to do it right, and this new edition to the handheld family is no exception. Though it has its setbacks, I’ve no doubt that when the 3DS Lite is eventually released (because we all know it will be) they will be addressed. Until then, these faults won’t stop me from buying the device. With release titles such as Zelda, Metal Gear Solid and Resident Evil, not to mention the incredible Augmented Reality, the 3DS definitely has more positives than negatives.

I haven’t yet preordered my very own, but I’ve no doubt that upon release day the hype that it gets will be enough to send me down to my local game retailer and hand over my money. For those who can afford it, it’s definitely a purchase I would recommend. For those who can’t (and at $349 I imagine there’d be quite a few) I’d advise you make a rich friend. It’ll be worth it.

Where The Cool Kids Go

2011-02-10T00:00:00.004+11:00

For those of you that aren’t aware, earlier this summer I escaped my city and whisked myself away to Queensland with some friends of mine. For my readers who don’t live in Aus, Queensland is the state directly above the one I call home (New South Wales). Queensland is a notable state of my country for a lot of reasons, but the main ones are as follows:

For some reason they always win the state of origin

It’s the home of Australia’s coolest theme parks

It’s where the Great Barrier Reef is

It’s the only place you’re going to find Yahtzee Croshaw’s Mana Bar.

It also recently got devastated by floods and an epic cyclone, which some NSW residents believe is pay back for whooping our ass at Origin every year. But mostly it’s just tragic and my heart goes out to all affected. (I can’t call myself an Aussie and talk about QLD without mentioning the tragedy that has befallen this lovely state. I just can’t)

Patriotism and devastation aside though, this article is about the wonderful Mana Bar. Yes I know I’ve already reviewed it for Kotaku (which you can find here) but I wrote that almost immediately after I got back. And it’s only recently that I’ve found myself realising just how awesome The Mana Bar truly is, so I thought I’d do another write up on it, this time one where my opinion isn’t restricted by the 500 word limit.

Prior to my Queensland trip I was kind of boring. I spent the majority of my time playing games or working, forever favouring a quiet night in instead of a wild night out. Since I got home however, I have become a whole new person. I cut off all my hair, dyed it purple, got my tattoo done and haven’t spent a Saturday night at home since (because it’s all aesthetics that define a person, right?) But since I’ve been spending all my nights out I’ve found myself really wishing I could transport myself back to The Mana Bar, because that is my perfect idea of fun.

The Mana Bar combined alcohol with video games in a perfect social surrounding. To be honest I expected to walk in there and get jumped by a bunch of neckbeards but to my surprise everybody there was perfectly friendly and lovely and not the slightest bit creepy. There were couples, there were singles, there were men and women, and there were two hilarious drunk girls that stumbled around the bar going “Oh my god, it’s that guy from those video games! And oh my GOD, THERE ARE THOSE VIDEO GAMES? Can I play these? For real? OHMYGOD!”. They were definitely a fantastic part of my night. However, they didn’t wash their hands after leaving the bathroom and that just plain creeped me out. Bad drunk girls, bad bad drunk girls.

In Sydney we have x-box lounges, pubs and trivia nights. Why nobody in this city has thought to combine them all together is entirely beyond me. I suppose we come close with the inclusion of pokies, but just because they’re made by Konami doesn’t mean they classify as a video game. It really doesn’t.

The Mana Bar was a place I felt comfortable. Comfortable enough that I could drink and not care that I’d eventually start looking like a fool as I played the Wii. It was a place where I could spend hours in the bathroom staring at Duke Nukem and not be thought of as weird. It was a place where I could play Tetris against people who are actually good at that game and not feel like a tool when I lost. But more than that, The Mana Bar is just really frickin’ awesome and fun, and whether you like games or not, you won’t leave there without a smile on your face.

My first impression of the bar was that it was kind of small, but after I wrote my Kotaku article it was brought to my attention that I had chosen one of their Chiptunes nights (which was fairly interesting in itself), meaning that the giant DJ table in the middle of the bar took up a lot of room. I have been assured that this isn’t always there, meaning that they can easily fit upwards of 50 people into the bar on a busy night.

This is good, because the bar is amazing, and really, more than 20 people should be able to enjoy it at a time.

Final Thoughts (because I know my readers have short attention spans)

The Mana Bar is a fun, social, friendly place
Game choice is changed often, keeping things fresh, new and exciting
There is so much cool stuff written/drawn in the bathroom stalls you’ll be there for hours
They have awesome cocktail names, which, to me, is enough reason to spend eternity there
If, for some reason, you don’t feel like playing games, they also have trivia night (but you probably wanna get yourself looked at first)
It’s a bar
That has video games
WHY AREN’T YOU THERE YET?

The Mana Bar can be found in Brisbane, but I’m not going to tell you where because I’m a writer. Not google maps.

Enjoy.

iHave opinions

2011-02-04T14:34:00.003+11:00

It’s no secret that I generally dislike Apple and everything they do. I’m not one of those “if you own a Mac then we can’t be friends” types of people (well, I have been to a few, but that was just because they were mega lame anyway) but I do dislike the smug look on people’s faces when they walk around with an iPad under one arm and a Mac under the other. It makes me want to punch them in the jaw and rip out their ovaries (real men use PC’s).

However, as much as I despise Apple and their stupid annoying ads with their even more annoying music, there’s one thing I can’t deny them; they made a hell of an mp3 player.

My first ever purchase from my first ever job was an iPod mini. It was silver, it held about 1000 songs and it was my most favourite possession. I became enthralled with the EQ settings, wondering how the heck it could do that, and the fact that I could play games on it absolutely astounded me. From the ages of 14-17 my iPod and I were inseparable (as you should be when you spend every night for three years in bed together.)

This relationship came to an end on my 17^th birthday however, as I finally had enough money to go out and buy me a kickass iPod classic. At 80GB it had a harddrive as big as my computer at the time. It could play videos, it could store photos, it could double as an external and it was in colour. Sure it was kinda bulky but as they say “love is blind.”

Well, love is blind until the thing you love really begins to piss you off. And my iPod classic began to do this in the start of our third year together. It would freeze on me randomly, the tracks began to skip and the battery gauge would jump all over the place. For a girl as shallow as me, this was more than enough for me to begin to hate the bloody thing and want a new one.

Thankfully I didn’t have to wait very long, as a very special person was very kind to me this Christmas, and now I am the proud owner of a sexy little iPod touch.

To me, the iPod touch is just amazing. It’s crazy that in a matter of a few years iPods went from being black and white to colourful touch screen gadgets that could play games, stream videos, surf the internet and (of course) play music. If I could put my first iPod and my current one next to each other (which, unfortunately I can’t do since I gave it to my rat of an ex-boyfriend) I think it would blow my mind just to look at the differences.

I used to despise touch screens with a passion, and I couldn’t understand why they were becoming all the rage. To protest this growth in popularity I went out and bought a phone with the most buttons I could find, and persuaded a lot of my friends to do the same thing. Anybody that voiced an opinion along the lines of “touch screens are cool” was immediately abused until they changed their mind. However, now that I’ve actually had an opportunity to use a touch screen at my own leisure, I’ve decided that maybe, possibly, on a very slight level not even worth bringing up, I was mistaken. A little.

The iPod touch is not a gaming device, no matter how many times the bloody Game Centre app pops up in front of my face, or how many cool little games people create for it. Anybody who buys one of these simply so they can call themselves a gamer is a tool.

What the iPod is, is entertaining. It’s handy, it’s useful, it’s easy to use. It’s portable, it’s fun, it’s social. Thought there are a few more features I’d like to see included, I’m extremely happy with this little product. And as someone who abhors everything Apple is, says and does, consider this a ringing shout of approval.

The iPod touch isn’t the cheapest mp3 player out there, but if you’re looking for something that can play you music, keep you entertained and secure your place within the social loop, it’s definitely worth the money you’ll pay.

A Crazy Little Thing Called Love

2011-01-31T13:19:00.002+11:00

With a quirky young man named Alistair

Who am I?

I am Jenntly, a human noble turned Grey Warden sent to defeat the evil Darkspawn. In a past life I was Jennatalia, an elf who shared the same future. However my past self came into a rather unfortunate bout of suicidal depression when her beloved left, and thus Jenntly was created to take her place and do things right.

My tale is long, and it is arduous, but what people should take into account is that my tale is over. It is completed, and has been done so not once, but twice.

So what do I do, exactly?

As a Grey Warden, my number one priority is to defeat the arch demon and save the world. Or it’s meant to be, according to pretty much everybody else in the whole of Ferelden.
“Oh you’re a Grey Warden? How goes the Blight then?”
“Killed that archdemon yet, Warden?”
Never a “How’s your day been?” or “Would you like a drink that’s actually given to you rather than implied?”

Just because my main concern is meant to be the arch demon, doesn’t make it so. In fact, my number one priority didn’t have anything to do with demons (til he gets inside your tent anyway). His name: Alistair. Reason as to why he’s my number one: because he’s just so damn cute!

However, even without the added eroticism the world of Ferelden is lovely to experience. The elves homeland is lush and mystical, and the dwarf city is one drenched in lore. Caverns and temples have surprises at every turn and the wide range of enemies forever keeps me on my toes.

The sounds of Ferelden in particular are quite breathtaking. Each step crunches gravel and leaves under your feet and the wind whistles past you as you run to your next destination. Cities are filled with the chatter of townspeople and temples crumble and groan with each opened door. And that’s not to mention the lyrical magnificence of little miss Leliana as she serenades you.

Of course, all of us gaming vets know that any good RPG game can boast these things. Final Fantasy has been known for its beautiful landscapes and accompanying soundtrack and the worlds seen in World of Warcraft are just about as weird and colourful as they come. So what makes Dragon Age: Origins different?

You get to have sex.

Finally, the good bit.

As soon as it became apparent that Grey Wardens could save the world and fall in love, my tale got a lot steamier and sickeningly sweet than any other story I’ve ploughed a character through.

My time at camp slowly stopped being about outfitting my team with the best weapons and began being spent lavishing attention on Alistair so he’d pay attention to me. As Jenntly as I could (haha get it?) I began coercing Alistair into falling in love with me, and soon enough, he was there. However, to my dismay (more like pleasure, but anyway) many other characters began to feel the same way.

This led to many talks around the campfire about ‘that grey warden slut’ but those words didn’t bother me. I knew who my heart belonged to and the owner of said heart knew it too. Eventually I let the other contenders down lightly, informing them that I had made my choice and it was indeed, Alistair. Luckily for me they understood and didn’t come to my tent in the middle of the night wielding knives and pitchforks.

Just like a crush on a real person, my sordid love affair with the only other remaining Grey Warden produced a variety of emotions. There were butterflies, there was warmth, there were countless nights spent together in a stuffy tent making love to the cries of the darkspawn hoard that slowly surrounded us.

Of course, where there is sex, there is gossip, and boy did my party members do a lot of that. Well, not so much Sten, as he didn’t really do much of anything except shit all over my ideas. But everybody else raised questions, poked fun and gazed longingly at a love they wish they could possess.

Everybody needs something beautiful to gaze upon in times of trouble. Thankfully you’ve got me.

And then what?
In my past life, the romance with Alistair was cut short well before its time. In the end, Alistair decided that he couldn’t be with me any longer, and the spiral into depression began. It was like someone had taken the beautiful fire that burned inside me and struck it out without warning. For the remaining hours of playthrough I fought tooth and nail to bring Alistair back to me, but he wanted nothing of it. I was tempted to end it all then and there, but a little voice inside kept me going, saying that a sad ending is better than none at all.

Finally the story was over, and my romance with Alistair never resumed.

Jennatalia was then doomed to a life in stasis, never to be restored again. Not even to access special features or gain a 100% completion rating.

But now this tale belongs to Jenntly. And as this is being written, Alistair still very much belongs to me. I hope with every fibre in my Warden body that it will remain that way, but even if it doesn’t, I will always have the beautiful memories.

Dragon Age Origins: the game that broke my dry spell. Thankyou for 160 fantastic hours.

Tales from the Otherside

2011-01-25T12:39:00.002+11:00

Today I am so very pleased to announce my first ever guest article! Yay!! If you too would like to be featured here and gain oodles of internet fame, track me down on Twitter or find my email over there >> in the profile box and send me a line.

But now onto the article!

This fantastic tale from the otherside was written by the very lovely Mark Duval, who found me on twitter one day and then stalked me a bit and thus a beautiful friendship was born!

How I lost my Gaming Soul (and then found it again), by Mark Duval

I've been playing games ever since I can remember. The first computer I used was possibly a MicroBee computer at my local library but as I was so young it's difficult to recall exactly. I do clearly remember though being introduced to computer games by my dad on an Apple 2e computer that he had borrowed during the holidays from the school where he taught. With only 16 colours it looked very primitive compared to today's computer graphics, but the games captured my imagination. I could be racing a moon buggy in Moon Patrol, running my own business in Lemonade Stand, exploring American history in The Oregon Trail (and dying of dysentery), or searching for lost treasure in The Seven Cities of Gold. The possibilities were endless. In spite of the minimal graphics my imagination was fired as I explored worlds and loved every moment of it. I also tried to teach myself BASIC so I could program my own games and make my own worlds and creations.

As I grew older, my love for computer games grew and I acquired other computers systems and experienced many other magnificent games of the 80s and 90s. But as I entered high school, it occurred to me that not everyone appreciated my hobby. Many of the "cool" people thought it to be strange even. And with a typical teenage insecurity, I wanted to be one of the "cool" people even though I clearly wasn't. So I hid my passion for gaming, playing with and speaking of it only with trusted nerds whom I knew I could depend on not to out me to the "cool" people.

Looking back, I think of it now as a type of Stockholm syndrome. I had nothing in common with the "cool" people, the bullies, the "normal" people. I didn't like them at all. Yet perversely, I somehow wanted to be like them and I wanted them to like me. And they wouldn't like me I assumed for the nerdy things I enjoyed so I felt that I had to hide that part of me and be someone else for them. I think many other teenage nerdlings experience this perception of being "not good enough". If the bullies and "cool" people tell it to them enough times, sadly they can start to believe it to be the truth, as their confidence is chipped away bit by bit. What they were once passionate about suddenly makes them feel inadequate. This is tragic.

The effects of this continued for me as I finished high school and entered university. I was standing in the university building looking at one of the university societies. It was a society for people who enjoyed playing games and watching anime. I should have walked over to them and said, "hello". They were my people. But I walked away avoiding them like the plague lest someone see me near them and think I was not "cool" or good enough. It perhaps seems tragically laughable now, but that was the psychological consequence that the bullies and the "cool" people had had on me. It wasn't long after that, that I made the decision to permanently give up on playing video games. I was going to do what cool people did instead for entertainment (whatever that was, I wasn't sure).

I was working in retail in a department store during my final year of uni. I was in the music department. That made me hip man. I knew all about bands and I went to gigs. I enjoyed some of them even. One quiet evening at work when there were no customers to be found, I was chatting with the guy who worked in the computer and video games department that was located next to my music department. He was telling me about his little thirteen year old brother who was an obsessed fan of the rapper Eminem. His brother had gone to such extreme lengths as filing away the enamel from his teeth because, apparently, that's what insane Eminem fans did to show how devoted they were to their idol. "It could be worse", he shrugged and said. "At least he's not a geek who plays games". I gulped, and felt insulted this time rather than feeling inferior. In the background was a Playstation with Final Fantasy VIII running. I could hear the music from Balamb Garden playing and I felt wistfully nostalgic. I smiled as I returned to my section. The music brought back memories of playing the game. It made me happy and I didn't feel ashamed.

After I had finished uni and was working for the government in the city, I was still on a self-imposed exile from gaming, but sometimes during lunch breaks I'd walk into video game shops (careful that no one I knew saw me) and pensively perused the games on display.

How things changed is as follows. I would take the train to and from the city five days a week. It was about a fifty minute cramped, dull journey each way. Sometimes I'd read, sometimes I'd listen to music, or sometimes I'd sleep, but one day I purchased a new mobile phone (cool people have the latest mobile phones, right?) which had preinstalled on it some very basic java games. One of these games was a puzzle game called Nature Park. It was a clone of Sega's Columns but it was fun and addictive. I enjoyed playing this consistently for weeks until I pondered playing something else. However, mobile phone games at this time were fairly bland, and with the rare exception such as Nature Park, not that interesting. If I really wanted handheld gaming on the train, I'd need to brush the dust off a dedicated handheld system such as my Gameboy Advance. It wasn't long after this though that I noticed a girl about my age playing with a Gameboy Advance of her own on the train in public. She didn't appear concerned that anyone might see her or judge her. She was enjoying her game. She was normal looking enough - fairly attractive even. My built up preconceptions were being challenged, and so I decided that perhaps I too could bring my Gameboy Advance onto the train to pass the time.

I started off with Sword of Mana. It wasn't much fun. I wondered if gaming wasn't for me anymore. Perhaps I really had moved on? But it wasn't that. Square just really hasn't made a decent Mana game since the Secret of Mana games on the Super Nintendo. So next, I tried the port of The Legend of Zelda - A Link to the Past for the Gameboy Advance. This was a game I adored as a teenager, and I found on the train that it was just as wonderful and imaginative to play as an adult. I was captivated again. I was experiencing the same thrill and joy from gaming that I first felt as a young child on the Apple 2e. It was a beautiful reconciliation with myself.

Going on the assumption that Nintendo first party games are usually quality games, I next tried Metroid Fusion, and I loved every moment. It was a brilliant, platformer sci-fi epic by Nintendo, as was Metroid Zero Mission that I played next. I also enjoyed playing through the original NES Metroid that's unlocked upon finishing the main game. Next up I tried Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga, an entertaining and funny RPG for the Gameboy Advance.

At this point it was now clear to me, playing games was something I had always enjoyed and something for which I needed to feel no shame. So I took the next step, and bought a new console. I bought a Gamecube with Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door, Super Smash Bros Melee, and Animal Crossing. Many more games would follow.

It dawned on me too that I had friends who enjoyed playing games as well. They wanted to play games with me. They wanted to talk to me about games. They wanted to make videos with me about video games to amuse ourselves. This was a passion they shared too and thousands and thousands of people in the world did also. Why did I ever feel the need to hide it? Why did I feel that this was not good enough?

It was actually good enough, and it is good enough! As I waited outside the store with my friends in the December of 2006 at the midnight launch for the Wii, I felt content with who I was and where I was.

Although my gaming rebirth was largely triggered with Nintendo, I've since gone on to enjoy games from all the other current systems of this gaming generation as well, along with still taking pleasure in the retro games of my past. Now, I'm studying full-time, with plans to create video games for a career and make worlds and stories that can captivate and entertain others as video games have done for me. The circle is complete.

- Mark Duval

I see normal people

2011-01-18T13:58:00.002+11:00

In December I was a Christmas Casual at a store called Tree of Life. If you’ve never heard of the store, it’s pretty much a place where hippie gypsies go to sell hippie gypsy stuff. It smells like incense, is covered in glitter and everybody who works there jingles when they move. It was also one of the only places in the world I have ever been where nobody knew anything about video games. This caused me to realise that there is a whole other species of human out there which I have never known about. I call them normies, and they are humans who have never had contact with video games, nor do they ever wish to. And since I fear what I do not understand, I have trekked far and wide across the interwebs to uncover what little information there is about these odd creatures.

In order to understand the average ‘normal’ person, first we must understand what they do in their natural habitat. Unlike ours, which consists of mainly online chatrooms, video game worlds or our couch, the normies' natural habitat is often a large area surrounded by vast amounts of alcohol or caffeine. Be it a sporting ground, a night club, a concert hall or a cafe, normies will more than often be seen outside. Though my exploits outside my gaming cocoon haven't yielded many opportunities to meet these normies of which I speak, I am aware that they do exist out there. So when we come across one… what the hell do we do?

Firstly we must remember that normal people have friends too, although their friends are mostly made through real life encounters than over the internet. And when normal people socialise they will always leave their house to do so, unlike us gamers who have perfected the social encounter without even having to leave our couches.

Key point: Though the normies may not own an xbox or a playstation, they more than likely own an electronic device of some sort. Music is universal, so perhaps they own an ipod. Or since they seem to be quite social creatures, there’s a good chance they’re on facebook. Both these things are a medium for playing casual games, which means there is hope that they may not be as different as we think. Maybe.

After extensive study trying to figure out how these creatures spend their time, I decided to grow some balls (an impressive feat since I’m a woman, and also a total coward) and talk to one of them. But that was a lot harder than I originally thought.

Back when I was working at the Tree, I decided to engage the girls in conversation. Which went well for the first few minutes. We bitched about customers, spoke about the weather outside, chatted about what we were doing on the weekend and five minutes later the conversation had dried up.

We never have this problem with our friends because we choose them due to our common interests, but when we interact with a new species it’s a whole other board game. Start dropping words like ‘playstation’ or ‘final fantasy’ and the normies will think you’re some kind of crazy sex addict and bail immediately.

Key point: Use your surroundings to think up a conversational point. For example, if you’re at a bus stop and there’s a man walking a ferret (not too uncommon in Sydney) perhaps remark to the person next to you ‘Now would you look at that. It’s a ferret!’. Or if you’re at work and somebody buys 17 X-Box 360’s (it’s happened before) strike up a conversation by asking the most obvious question “Why?”

Finally we come to the inevitable crossroads where we must decide whether we should adopt the normies as a pet and eventual friend, or if they’re just too exotic and different for any such partnership to exist.

As with any new species introduce to our life, it is important to understand them so we can figure out whether they will be an asset or a hindrance. My experience with ‘normies’ is that they require a lot of upkeep. Each conversation, outing and general memory must be met and created with a whopping load of effort. Striking up new conversation ideas and finding places to socialise that don’t have video games behind the bar isn’t an easy feat. You will often find that as soon as your brain reaches its limit it sinks back into habit and various game titles, moves and storyline plots will fall out of your mouth without any warning. Such an outburst often scares normies off, so if you’re in doubt always have them micro chipped so you can track them down later.

The method above means adapting to the normie lifestyle, which entails inevitable change to our comfortable gaming habits. And if you’re any sort of real gamer, this will present a problem for you. Yet our love of things new and shiny is still ever present in the back of our minds.

If you wish to possess a normie in your life, and yet not change your lifestyle in the slightest, there is only one way to go about it. You must destroy the normie, and re-create them with the mind of a gamer. Some would argue that this is like destroying a dog and rebuilding it as a cat, but at least you will know the true history of your new friend/pet/slave boy.

Key point: Acquiring a normie in your life is a big responsibility. Remember that you are introducing them to a world they have never before been a part of. Therefore, bringing them into a sea of video game websites, podcasts, networks, tweets and blogs then getting sick of them and leaving them to drown is a definite no.

Normies are different, and depending on your social circle (or lack thereof) you may encounter them regularly or never at all. It is important to remember, that like a pet or small child, normies must be treated with the same love and respect we would give all members of our gaming community. Except the trolls. And the jerks. And the people that trawl the internet for porn.

Normies aren’t a species that can be loved fleetingly and then left on their own. They’re a commitment, they’re a change and they’re a lot of work. They’re not my pet of choice, as I’d rather own a cat or some seamonkeys, but should you choose to bring one into your life, just remember to always be wary of their progress. Playing Black Ops for 15hours straight does not a gamer make, no matter how much the normie claims otherwise.

Tetris Mondays

2010-12-15T14:19:00.000+11:00

I’ve said it once (or twice or fifty times) and I’ll say it again; games are amazing things. Even the ones that don’t try to be amazing, are amazing. There are games out there that have no plot, no characters, games that have not tried to be anything but entertaining, that bring up more good memories than anything else I’ve played. And one of these games is Tetris.

Tetris is not just a classic. It’s not just a video game. It’s something that possesses the ability to bring waves of nostalgia crashing down on me, and it’s a game about falling blocks. But it’s also a game I played every Monday night on the way home from uni, with 4 of my closest friends.

Tetris Mondays started in semester 2 of my first year of university. The year was 2008, I was 18 years old obtaining my Bachelor of Primary Education, whilst my other friends were going on to become computer scientists developing video games for a living.

The university I went to was Wollongong, which is about a 1.5 hour trip south from Sydney. On a Monday evening the four of us didn’t finish until 530pm, which meant catching the 6pm train home and not getting there until around 8pm. The nights were freezing, and we’d all been awake since about 5am that morning. We were tired, we were stressed out, and we didn’t even have the energy to carry on a conversation with one another. What we did instead, was play Tetris.

Each of us had a DS, and each of us owned Tetris. So for the entire two hour train ride we would verse one another over and over again. Each time the results usually ended up the same; there was always the friend who would kick our asses, the friend who would lose abysmally (usually me) and the one who would silently rage when they screwed up. Mondays were a flurry of falling blocks and hilarious “that’s what she said” jokes that tied us all together in a neat little bundle of friendship. And if Tetris hadn’t been our game of choice, it probably wouldn’t have happened that way.

Recently it was announced that Tetris was being re-released on the PSN in glorious 1080p. Not only is this amazing because it’s Tetris in HD with online multiplayer, but for me it means that I can recreate Tetris Mondays from the comfort of my couch. There’s also going to be a co-op mode, which means not only can I recreate this fond memory, but I can do it with my friends without having to worry about getting my ass kicked. Sweet!

What Grand Theft Auto Has Taught Me Pt 2

2010-12-13T16:40:00.002+11:00

Nobody likes working the old 9-5 grind, but for most of us it’s just an unavoidable fact of life that we have to deal with. We get up early every Monday-Friday morning and work our asses off for people who don’t notice or appreciate it. And unless you’re a video game tester for a company of chocolate making models, chances are you spend most of the eight hours wishing you were somewhere else.

When I find myself staring at the clock waiting for it to tick over to 5pm, I remind myself that I have chosen to be here. I could be sitting at home unemployed happily playing video games. I could be a stripper, or a drug dealer (you know... as a last resort). OR I could put into practice the work lessons that my age old teacher Grand Theft Auto has been inspiring in me all along.

And thus we come to the beginning of Part Two of the things GTA has taught me, this time focusing on the laborious task that is work.

Jobs are everywhere, you’ve just gotta look harder

It’s coming up to Christmas, and this is usually the time where everybody starts looking for employment to see them through the season. It’s also the time that people start complaining about being too poor, blaming Christmas for their unemployment. But it’s not the season’s fault they can’t find a job. There are jobs all around us if you look closely.

None of the GTA characters ever complained about being poor or unemployed, and that’s because they knew how to look for opportunity. In the lands of Liberty City, San Andreas, Vice City etc there are jobs for the taking, all you have to do is pluck them from the air.

Lost for a way to get home? Steal a taxi and do some fares on the way. Feeling a little ill? Hijack an ambulance and pick up some other sickly people since you’re heading that way anyway. Or maybe you have a cousin who owns a taxi company you can help out? A hooker friend you can borrow money off? A killing spree you can go on that’ll earn some reward money?

The options are endless.

Think outside the box. And the law

If GTA has taught me anything at all its that sometimes, it’s ok to think outside the law when it comes to work. For example, if your best friend knows somebody in the mob, or is in the mob, or has any sort of connection at all to the mob, then you can work for them. Nothing bad will come of it (except maybe a little blood on your hands) and the money is wonderful. In fact the money is so wonderful that you’ll probably never need to work another 9-5 job again.

If you don’t know anybody in the mob then your employment path is not at an end. But I do have to ask you... how comfortable are you with the act of murder? Because, well, there’s a lot of money to be had if it’s not a problem to you. But if you’re a little bit squeamish, or have any qualms with a criminal record, then I’d probably just skip straight to the next point.

Ok, so I’m going to go ahead and assume everybody reading this part of the article has no problems with doing a little dirty work, so I’m going to let you in on a little secret: Killing people is ok. It’s totally cool. Plus it’s also entirely justified if you legitimately need the money in your victims pockets. This lesson was one I learnt when playing my brother’s save of GTA: Vice City. He wanted me to earn him some money, but I didn’t want to wreck his save by doing any of the missions. Instead I headed down to the beach and massacred everybody I saw, stealing what little cash they had. Using that method I was able to buy the apartment on the second island that had the helipad, so don’t you tell me it isn’t a tried and true method. And if it works in GTA, it’s gotta work in real life too. Right?

Desperate times call for stand up measures

So if for some reason none of my other helpful handy dandy tips worked (because you’re an adult without a driver’s license who doesn’t know anybody in the mob and flat out refuses to kill people [wuss]) then here’s the last piece of advice I can offer you; robbery. Sure it’s only slightly less criminal than murder, but the rewards are worth it.

Be warned though, if you hold up a store they’re not going to be very willing to serve you again for at least 24 hours (you’ve gotta give them some breathing room). So if I were you, I’d plan ahead. Say you have a snazzy date on Saturday night, and you need money to buy an outfit. Hold up the clothing store on the Thursday then return on the Friday afternoon to purchase your outfit without a hitch. And if money is really tight, you can always just hold up the store again after you buy your items for an immediate refund and bonus. It’s genius really.

Blink 182 once said “work sucks, I know”. And though the majority of us might tend to agree with them when we have a job (and even when we don’t) that doesn’t mean work has to suck forever. Following the age old advice of Grand Theft Auto will be sure to reap rewards and career opportunities like you’ve never seen before. Plus it’ll give you some extraordinary things to put on your resume for the next job you apply for. Who’s going to turn away the guy with the CV that says “bought apartment with murder victims’ cash”? Nobody I know, that’s for sure.

So this Christmas season, don’t fret about being unemployed, and definitely don’t stress out about not being able to pull enough money together before the 25^th. Just hijack the next taxi you see, or smack somebody with a baseball bat. It’ll be alright, you’ll see.

Please note, Jennacide Inc does not in any way shape or form condone the murdering of or stealing from other people. Unless it’s really really necessary.

My Not So Secret Shame

2010-12-07T16:00:00.003+11:00

Everybody has a thing; a little quirk that helps people define who they are, an unusual trait that people can identify with. For example, a friend of mine can’t touch recycled plastic bags without crying. Another one is completely and utterly obsessed with unicorns, whilst one of my guy friends drinks coffee like the world is ending. When it comes to me, there are a large number of little nuances that make me who I am. Just to name a few off the top of my head, I’m obsessed with clocks, zippers, polkadots, have a serious phobia of getting stuff on my hands and strongly believe with all of my being that zombies will reign one day. But the ‘thing’ I’m writing about today is my complete lack of ability to finish anything, ever. But most importantly (and heart breakingly) for the past few years I haven’t been able to finish a video game. And I believe this may pose a problem given my chosen career path.

The very first game I played that I actually got into was called Kings Quest IV, a point and click (and type) adventure game that told the tale of Princess Rosella who is sent to the world of Tamir in search of a magical fruit that can heal her father’s sickness. The story line isn’t anything flash, but it was a game made in the 80’s, so what do you expect.

As a 6yr old playing this game I found it fascinating. I loved that Rosella had to listen to everything I typed, and as a little kid that feature alone kept me entertained for hours. “Drown yourself,” “Punch the bard,” “Kill that guy,” “Shutup bard,” “Steal his harp,” “Shank the bard,” “Smack his face in,” etc, were just a few of the many many things my Amiga keyboard had to convey for me.

However, though I found that game incredibly entertaining, I still haven’t seen the ending, because not only was it the first game I ever played, it’s also the first game I never finished. And I’ve owned that title for 15 years.

I wish I could blame this annoying problem on a short attention span, but I’ve finished Final Fantasy 8 too many times to count, and that game was damn long. I suppose the real problem is that game developers can’t design a game to cater towards people like me, who are probably ADD but just don’t know it. (That’s right Jenn, blame someone else. Good work.)

Maybe it’s that I keep buying games before I’m done with the ones I own. Maybe it’s that I’m obsessed with The Sims (the one game in the entire world that just never ends), or maybe it’s because the last game I finished was Final Fantasy X-2 and that game was so bad it destroyed me for life. Whatever the cause, all I know is I haven’t finished a game in at least five years.

The amount of games I’ve gotten to the end of and then abandoned is staggering. I currently have saved games out front of end bosses/levels for at least 10 different titles, none of which I see myself finishing any time soon.

Currently my list of shame includes:

Final Fantasy 12
Final Fantasy 13
Heavy Rain
Burnout Paradise
GTA IV
Red Dead Redemption
Red Dead Redemption Undead Nightmare
Dragon Quest 4
Dragon Quest 9
Pokemon Soul Silver
Drawn to Life
Broken Sword 1
Broken Sword 2
Tomb Raider Chronicles
Tomb Raider Underworld
Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light
Uncharted 2
Little Big Planet
Oblivion

And that’s just the ones I can remember off the top of my head.

I find this problem increasingly hard to comprehend sometimes, especially as I am the daughter of a rather big game nerd. A rather big game nerd who has no unfinished game on his list. Whilst I struggle to make it to end game in most titles, my father doesn’t consider himself ‘done’ with a game until he has finished it at least three times. And usually that’s three times in a row.

I’m hoping that one day my problem will just resolve itself, and I’ll be hit with the urge to finish every game in my cupboard, then dig out my old consoles so I can finish those titles too. But if on the off chance that doesn’t happen, then I just might seek professional help. And then never turn up.

Tofu: The food that never dies. But god I wish it would

2010-12-02T19:12:00.003+11:00

Anybody who has been keeping up to date on the latest games has heard about Super Meat Boy. And anybody who has been keeping up to date on the latest games news can’t have missed the story about how much PETA (People for Ethical Treatment of Animals) absolutely positively hate Super Meat Boy.

Super Meat Boy is a game currently on X-Box and PC, which tells the tale of a small cube of meat named Meat Boy who must save his girlfriend Bandage Girl from the diabolical Dr Fetus. In response to this, PETA created their version of the game ‘Super Tofu Boy’.

“Meat Boy is a vengeful, bloody cube of rotting animal flesh. And he smells,” were the extremely mature words featured on the PETA website. In the PETA version of the game, Meat Boy is the bad guy, who goes on a rampage once Bandage Girl dumps him for Tofu Boy. PETA explains “once Bandage Girl slept with Tofu Boy and saw all that he had to offer, it was bye-bye beef, hello bean curd."

To me that says, “PETA doesn’t like people eating meat, but being a hussy is a-ok.” And that’s really not a-ok in my books. Also, to view the game on their website takes you to a violently blood splattered page which looks something like this:

Nothing like a page splattered with gore to make me want to listen to something someone has to say.

Also, PETA make numerous references to tofu being tasty, meaning that they have created this allegedly lovable character, who is going to do all these things and become deemed “super”, and then devour him. NOT VERY ETHICAL PETA. Think of all the little Vegan children you’ve just scarred for life.
“But Mummy, I don’t WANNA eat Tofu Boy!”
“Shutup Timmy and eat your beans!”

Animals are life. PETA wants to protect life. But plants are living. And beans are plants. Therefore, aren’t PETA forcing a diet choice on everybody that causes them to eat something that technically goes against what they stand for anyway? Hmmm

I respect PETA and everything they stand for. But it just seems to me that they’ve taken a fantastic idealogy and belief, and completely ruined all their good work by making the general public hate them with stunts like this. Making the population hate you by pushing your diets on them and making them feel guilty for not conforming to your ideals isn’t any way to win fans.

And with that said and done, I think I’m gonna go and grab myself a steak for dinner.

What Grand Theft Auto Has Taught Me Pt1

2010-11-28T14:46:00.005+11:00

Grand Theft Auto is a game everybody in Generation X and Y has heard of. Whether it’s because we’ve played them ourselves and loved them, or been told ‘never to touch them’ by our concerned and overbearing mothers, there’s no denying that this title has created a name for itself both in and out of the gaming community.

With each new release comes a brand new controversy, and yet despite how many people despise them and petition for them to cease being made, Rockstar keeps churning them out. Though the changes are minimal with each new game, the company is making millions off them. Now I don’t know about you, but that tells me that somewhere in this game has to be a fibre of truth. There has to be a lesson to be learned, a fact to take from it that can help us in our daily lives. So I have put together what I believe to be, a completely factual, true and helpful list of all the life lessons we can learn from the Grand Theft Auto franchise.

Part one focuses on the ever elusive feeling: love.

Love
Love does not discriminate, it does not pick and choose, and it does not forget. However, it also is not kind, or forgiving. Love is one of the most complicated things out there, but whether we like it or not, eventually we’re going to fall into it. Thankfully, Grand Theft Auto protagonists also dabble in the art of love, and if we learn from their experiences we will surely be as successful as they are.

Dressing nice=getting laid

Most people don’t struggle with the art of sex (most people) however, for many of us, finding someone to get into the backseat of our car is near impossible. Possibly because we do things like turn to Grand Theft Auto for love advice, or meet all potential partners on WoW, but just because we’re slightly different than other swinging singles, doesn’t mean we deserve fun any less.

What GTA has taught me about the act of mating, is that if you dress to style, your chances of getting laid increase dramatically. For example, Niko Bellic changes his outfit for every woman he beds. The upper class city girl doesn’t sleep with him when he’s wearing trackies and a hoody, but dressed up in a suit and tie she simply can’t get enough. Therefore, if it worked that one time in a video game, it has to work in real life too. Dress to impress the lady you’re with and she will bed you. Simple. Easy. Done (much like the women this will work on).

Hookers have feelings, too

Yes they may sell their body for sex, but that doesn’t make them any less of a human being. Hookers are the ones who comfort us for fifty bucks when we’re lonely . When our partners are being bitches, hookers are the ones to make us feel better. When we’re driving down the street at 3am with nothing better to do with our time and a spare 20 in our pocket, hookers provide us with five minutes of entertainment. They’re a useful asset to us lonely people, so we should treat them right, just like the people in GTA do.

When you’re lucky enough to have a hooker grace you with her presence, make sure you take her somewhere nice and secluded. Simply parking on the edge of a deserted street isn’t enough. This woman is a working girl and she has standards (probably…deep down). A park, shady alcove or even a dark beach is more fitting to a woman of such class, so take her somewhere appropriate. And when it’s all over, remember, this girl is someone’s daughter. She is probably half the town’s mother. So running her over to get your money back isn’t appropriate.

The internet, and all the people on it, hate you

The internet is an amazing wondrous thing, and in Grand Theft Auto IV we have the ability to browse the internet in game. All the most entertaining aspects of the internet have been incorporated into the game, including ridiculously slow email servers filled with junk mail, flashy ads for over-priced ring tones and of course, internet dating websites. And just like real life, internet dating doesn’t work in GTA either.

No matter what you look like, what your interests are or how nice of a person you may be, everybody on the internet is better than you, and they know it. Women who are the size of an elephant will dismiss you because you play video games as a hobby. Men who are balding will hate you because your hair is curly. Old women on their deathbed will disregard you because you haven’t showered in three months.

Niko Bellic receives countless rejection emails from the women he pursues online. It doesn’t matter how many nice clothes he has, or how much money he’s acquired or how many times he has outrun the law, the women online simply don’t care. So take it from Niko, a skilled player of the internet, and give up now. Nobody online is going to love you, because somehow in their deluded little minds, they think they deserve better and thus, are all going to die alone.

Love can be a cruel mistress, torturing you until you’re broken and alone, or it can be a wonderful and joyous thing that holds you and keeps you warm at night. Heed the words of wisdom spoken from the heart of the GTA franchise and your experience will most definitely be a fulfilling one. Choose to take advice from other areas such as books, magazines or your imaginary friends and well, I just can’t be blamed for how many years you spend alone.

Damn Zombies

2010-11-09T16:02:00.008+11:00

Ok, so quite honestly, this week I haven’t been playing much of anything. But that’s because a few days ago I went and fractured a bone in my hand. This sucks for many reasons, but the most prominent one is that it seriously hinders my gaming ability. I don’t know about you guys, but I find it incredibly hard to thrash people at Burnout or pump bullets into zombies with only one hand. (It might just be because I’m not leet enough, or something, but still)

However, before I went and got all gimped up, I managed to get a fair bit of play out of the new Red Dead Redemption dlc Undead Nightmare and today I’m slowly typing out what I thought of it.

Zombies are scary. Zombies are really, really scary. They’re pretty much my number one fear in the whole wide world.

And so normally, you’d think I’d stay away from anything zombie related. If I was normal, or sane, or had a brain inside my skull. Unfortunately, none of those things apply to me. I surround myself with zombie movies, always try and play zombie games and read stories about the (inevitable) zombie apocalypse.
Sometimes I try to rationalise my strange obsession and tell myself I’m simply overcoming my fears, but that’s just a lie. After countless hours filled with being terrified, I haven’t come any closer to conquering my fear. In fact, I think I’ve just made it a whole lot worse. And Undead Nightmare really hasn't helped.

What it’s about: The beautiful old West is tainted. A plague has hit this land, and there’s no explanation why, or how we get rid of it. All we know is that there are zombies everywhere, and in true old fashioned cowboy style we’re gonna go pump them full of bullets. Along the way we might get lucky enough to see a mythical creature, or meet some old favourites from our previous travels. Or we might just have our faces eaten off. Either way.

What I like:

Rockstar have a notable reputation for never taking themselves too seriously, and their newly released dlc showcases that perfectly. Right from the very beginning the corny, creepy narrator creates an atmosphere reminiscent of a cheesy horror flick. Rockstar realise that the very idea of zombies invading the old west is ridiculous, and poke fun at this fact right from the start.
“It’s not how you’re going to die, but when,” are the comforting words spoken to you at the beginning of online mode. And they’re correct. The mode consists of you and a group of other unfortunates fighting off wave after wave of zombies. There are more undead than there are people to fight them off and bullets to take them down. The mode only ends with your demise.

I like to think I’m brave, but when hordes of undead are chasing after me bravery tends to fly out the window. I’m the girl who runs at the first sight of danger. I’ll be the one who climbs up onto the roof to pick off zombies from a place where they can’t get me. I sit on my couch and squeal like a little girl every time a zombie gets anywhere near me, and if I’m thrown into the heat of battle without any other option, I’ll be the one turning around in circles with a machine gun screaming at the top of my lungs. And that’s one of the reasons I enjoyed online mode so much… because I wasn’t the only one who did that.

I was grouped with a wide variety of people in my online escapades, but I found that they all belong to one of three very distinct categories.
Category One: People just like me. I got grouped with a bunch of people, men and women, girls and boys, who were just as scared as I am. Everytime a new wave of zombies appeared they would run screaming as far as they could get, which made me happy because I got to act like the big strong tough guy and blow some shit up. Plus there’s nothing funnier than hearing a man scream in terror while zombies try and eat his limbs.
Category Two: The tough guys. The tough guys are the ones you wanna be paired with every time. They’re the ones who realise that this is just a game, and the point of a game is to win. They blast everything that gets in their way, they revive you when you die, they pick up new weapons and rack up high scores. They are not afraid, and they will protect you if you are (although they probably won’t like it very much).
Category Three: The noobs. The noobs are great to play with, because like the tough guys they have no fear. Except they don’t quite have the skills to back them up. They fly in blind with guns blazing, killing everything that gets in their way… and everything that doesn’t. They dream of high scores and are fuelled by stupidity. They’re awesome

In a time where everything is topsy turvy and people are dropping dead then coming back to life all around you, it’s always nice to see a friendly face. If you played Red Dead Redemption originally then you’re going to recognise a lot of people on your travels. Some have gotten themselves into humorous scenarios, others you have to save from certain death. They may not be the best people to see in a situation like this, but I know I’d rather spend a day with them than play a game of poker with a bunch of zombies.

What I don’t like:

I like a challenge, even a scary challenge that’s going to give me nightmares for months on end. However I didn’t really find that with this game. Even though everybody is dead, I still found weapons and bullets to be in abundance. And I was in no way careful with my bullets. I shot everything. Although, I don’t know why I was hoping to find any realism in a Western game where everybody had turned into zombies.
Zombies sometimes seem to spawn out of nowhere, which not only takes about ten years off my lifespan due to fright, but also kind of annoys me. Getting off my steed, for any reason, at any given point in time always seemed like a pretty dumb idea to me, but there are some points in your travels that you don’t really have a choice. Before I would jump to the ground, I’d turn in circles about a thousand times to make sure there was nothing sneaking up on me. But of course, as soon as I hop down to pick my flowers or whatever stupid thing has me getting off my horse, there they are. Creeping up on me trying to gnaw my ears straight off my face.

So by now it is no secret that zombies scare the shit out of me. If, nay, when we get hit by the zombie apocalypse, I have my plan all sorted out… Kind of. Not that it really matters because I’m going to be far too scared for my brain to work anyway. But that’s besides the point. The point is, that zombies terrify me, and yet I kept finding myself coming back to play Undead Nightmare over and over again. Admittedly I only played it for short bursts at a time, but those brief hours (or minutes) were always enjoyable in a cripplingly scary sort of way. Normal people with normal fears probably won’t be nearly as freaked out, but they’ll definitely still be entertained by this interesting add-on to an already awesome game.

Will I still be playing it next week: Yes, because I'm an idiot. Or really brave. (Probably just an idiot)

Dear Playstation 3, I hate you

2010-09-01T15:20:00.001+10:00

Dear Playstation 3, I hate you.

For almost two years now you and I have been in a serious relationship with one another. Our relationship was like none other I had with my previous playstations. You met my every media need. When I wanted to watch blu-ray movies, you were there. When I wanted to play my games in HD, you were there. When I wanted to stream media from my hard-drive, you were there. And when I wanted to surf the internet on my big screen TV and play games online, you were there. Until you weren’t.

Last week I got out of bed with only one thought in my mind; to see whether or not the new Lara Croft game was out on the PSN. I switched you on, and tried to sign into the network. And that was when our trouble started. Selfishly you refused to sign me in, stating that there was a network error and demanding I check my settings. Appalled that you could suggest such a thing after working perfectly for me last night, I irritably did as you said. But it only got worse from there.

You forced me against my will to set up my network connection over and over again. And over and over again you told me that there was an error setting up my connection, that my WPA key was wrong. At first I thought that maybe this was all some elaborate joke; that I’d made a simple mistake and it would all be over soon. But no, it was no sort of rouse, or joke or prank. You were deliberately insulting my intelligence, telling me I had entered the wrong WPA key when I knew that I hadn’t.

Then, for one brief moment, you gave me a ray of hope to cling onto. You told me my settings had worked! For a split second I was filled with so much joy; my faithful Playstation had come back to me. I was so ecstatic that all thoughts of our immediate hardships left my mind. All that mattered was that you had allowed my settings to pass, and we were going to get back to normal again. In my happiness I tapped X to Test Connection and watched as you ran my settings through your standards.

And failed them.

All of them.

“Bastard fucking thing!” I screamed. How could you do this to me? How could you turn your back on the only one who was always supportive of you? When you’d failed me before I was the one who picked you up and fixed you. I was the one who restored everybody’s faith in you when it was lost. I was the one who sat by you for hours and hours on end to make sure you were working fine, and I was the only one who cleaned all your dust off you when everybody forgot you were there. And this is how you repay me? THIS IS WHAT YOU DO TO ME?

WELL FINE! BE THAT WAY THEN!

I NEVER LIKED YOU ANYWAY!

…

I’m sorry. I love you, I truly do. Please come back to me Playstation. I sincerely miss you. And I know that technically you’re working fine, but restricting me from getting online is not on. You can’t begin this relationship with freedom and then slowly start to take it away from me. I think I deserve to do everything you offered to me, or I don’t want to do anything at all. I only hope you can see that I am right, and you, dear Playstation, with your error codes that don’t mean anything and your belief that I can’t type my own key properly, are wrong.

Open your eyes Playstation. Open your eyes to your mistakes and I promise I’ll come back. Until then, I’ll be here, waiting for you.

Love, Jenn

Damnit, now I'm hungry

2010-08-30T13:34:00.004+10:00

Advertisements are something I don’t think we’re ever going to escape. They bombard our television screens and our favourite websites. They are present before every movie, and now at the beginning of every DVD. Ads lurk on the radio, in magazines, and even catch us before YouTube videos. And now they’re in our video games too. Advertisements and cockroaches are going to be the only things that survive a nuclear war, so it makes sense to me that we learn to live with them somehow. But that’s all well and good for me to say, since I am one of the very small percentage that ads actually work on.

The other day I took a tub of ice-cream out of the fridge, and on the lid was an ad for a different type of ice-cream. And even though I had an entire tub of the stuff sitting in front of me, I suddenly felt dissatisfied with the flavour. I wanted chocolate mousse ice-cream, and I wasn’t going to be happy until I got it.

Admittedly, the advertising that works best on me is usually ones to do with food, because I am always hungry. I can be halfway through dinner, see an ad on TV for fast food, and then begin to crave it, despite the fact that I am at that very moment, shovelling food into my face. Ads for things like phones and gadgets don’t do much for me. I have a phone, I have an iPod and I have a computer and a laptop. All of them work and all of them are pretty up to date, so I never feel the need to replace them just because an advertisement says so. But food… Food I always feel the need for. It’s just something I have to live with. And if there were more food advertisements in video games, then I would definitely be a sucker for them.

Way back in the 90’s there was a Lucozade ad for TV that featured the very lovely Miss Lara Croft. Though this wasn’t an ‘in game’ ad, it still featured a video game character, which was all I needed to tie those two things together. Seeing Lara’s face next to that bottle of Lucozade was enough for me to bug my mother to buy me that drink. And so for the next few weeks, Lucozade was the only thing young Jenn drank. And for the next few years, older Jenn never wanted to see another bottle of Lucozade ever again.

Another thing I get easily (possibly too easily) influenced by is MMO’s. A few years back I sadly wasted the better part of my summer in Azeroth and stacked on the kilos. However, it could have been a lot worse. I could have been playing Everquest II and eaten myself into oblivion. Know why? Because you can order pizza from Pizza hut, in game. By simply typing /pizza, you are transported to the Pizza Hut website where you can order your delicious pizzas from your computer chair, without even having to Alt Tab. For someone as food obsessed as me, this seems like a great idea. It makes me love Sony, for providing me with this new found means of acquiring Pizza, and it also makes me love Pizza Hut for incorporating their company into an MMO. Pizza plus video games is win. And that’s all they had to establish for that to be a good idea.

Pizza Hut isn’t the only company who has incorporated their tasty goods into a video game. Chupa Chups also included their products in the 1992 game Zool. The delicious lollipops were seen in the background of the game, and even had a whole level dedicated to them. Now, I haven’t played that game, but I’ve played others where non-branded sweet things have been included, and those worked on me without a brand name to back them up. For example, in Rugrats: Search for Reptar you pick up Reptar bars. Now, from watching the show I know that Reptar bars are chocolate, so therefore, I want chocolate. In The Simpsons Game the very first level is a land of sweets, which made me crave a chocolate éclair like nothing else. Hell, even in Final Fantasy VIII when Zell keeps talking about hotdogs; that worked on me too. Now, if Zell had been bitching he couldn’t have a hotdog from his favourite cafeteria ‘Wendy’s’ I would have gone to the nearest Wendy’s and bought about seven of them. Because advertising companies don’t even have to make an impressive ad to get me hooked. They just have to repeat the name of their food product over and over again.

And that’s easy to do, especially if you use in-game advertising. Seeing that product on game billboards, or printed on character’s clothing or even plastered across a vending machine on a busy in-game street… That’s all that needs to be done for them to pull me in. No wonder it’s growing into a billion dollar industry.

Though gamers don’t particularly like advertising in games, I can see it as something that’s only going to get more prominent as time goes on. I think that if companies carefully choose which game to put their ads in, we should be ok. For example, the Barrack Obama billboard in Burnout Paradise= ok. Putting a coke ad in World of Warcraft= not ok.

So, can you think of a game that’s had advertising in it? Or one that should? Or ones that definitely shouldn’t? Let me know!