Last November  I was blessed with an opportunity to have a 15 minute coaching call with the amazing Andrea Schroeder of The Creative Dream Incubator.

We were discussing my feeling stuck, and unable to move forward towards my dreams so that I can create the life that I want.  This was a serious problem since my current life is well, less than stellar.

The cause of my being so stuck? Fear of course, and it didn’t take more that a few minutes for Andrea to guide me to the part of myself where that paralyzing fear resides. I hadn’t realized until then, that my terrified younger self who didn’t believe that she was worth anything, nor capable of accomplishing anything is still a living and sometimes kicking and screaming or cowering part of me, and she was in serious need of some comfort and love.

The magical ah-ha moment came when Andrea asked the question; “what does she need from you to feel safe?”

I took Andrea’s suggestion to journal about J, my fearful younger self and I created an art journal spread with a drawing of the bound up self-loathing me, an inspiring quote and a thank you for all that J has taught me. Then, I proceeded to get to work on this dream of mine.

Being the slow learner that I am however, it took me until now to recognize that I need to care for this part of myself on a regular basis or she will invade, and potentially take over my life.

(And, by the way, it turns out that those of us who tend to not catch on to learning new things in a hurry tend to out-perform those who do, if allowed enough time to grasp concepts in the first place. In case you think my referring to myself as a slow learner is a put-down or a criticism. It isn’t. )

So fast forward a few months and I find myself in a state of terror over a problem in my personal life that I have been unable to solve because I can’t face it.

No amount of logic or reason, such as the reality of potentially serious consequences could cure my paralysis. This has lead to and way too many sleepless nights and almost constant anxiety.

Finally, it occurred to me that I needed to have a serious talk with J, so I mounted her large canvas portrait on my desk and wrote her a love letter.

I told her that I understood why she was feeling the way that she was and that she didn’t need to be so frightened because I’m here and together we can do anything. We’ve been through far worse in the past and we always make it through in the end.

It felt as though a giant magical love swept through me and took all of the anxiety away leaving me free to face and take the necessary steps to move forward and take care of the issues. Fear, is still a part of the equation, but it is manageable fear now and I am no longer stuck, anxious or sleepless.

The world is a much brighter place now and I will never stop being grateful.

J lives on the wall over my desk now to remind me to work with her instead of trying to squash her into submission, and I will not forget to thank her for all that she has taught me in the past and all that she will teach me in the future.

While she might look like a dark and unhappy reminder of a painful past to most people with eyes, she is in reality my hero, and a symbol of all that I have accomplished in my life. A tangible sign of wonderful possibility for the future. Now that we have finally learned to work together, I know we’ll be an amazing team. In fact, we always have been. I love her as I love myself.

So now I know, that one way to face fear head on, is to give it a name and care for that part of ourselves the way we would instinctively comfort a frightened child. Sometimes that’s what we are and that’s ok. It’s a sure sign of being human and alive which is probably better than all of the alternatives.

Courage is after all, not the absence of fear, but the ability to move forward despite it’s presence.

For more information on facing fear, please check out Andrea’s Video,          How Meeting Your Fears With Creativity and Love Means You’ll Never Have To Stay Stuck.

Thank you Andrea Schroeder!

Every time I hear a story of anyone being bullied at any age, a part of me breaks a little, because I know first hand how being bullied is incredibly destructive and that when it happens, it changes who we are and how we feel about ourselves which changes how we live and function in the world.

I lost so many years of my life to a complete lack of self-worth as a result of how I was treated by other children and I would do anything to make it stop for every child in the world, if I only knew how.

What get’s me the most, is that with all of the talk about the effects of bullying, there is little, if any talk about the cause of bullying.

The truth is, that we only hurt others out of our own fear and pain. The need to believe that someone is beneath us in some way, is really just a coverup for a lack of self-worth. It worries me what a child is going through when they feel the need to inflict pain on another. In other words; Bullies are hurting too.

I’m really not sure how rules, and laws and punishments really can solve the issue of bullying, when we’re not addressing the reason that it is happening in the first place.

We live in, and in fact I would go so far as to say we are, an incredibly critical and judgemental society. We even put people down for entertainment, taking pleasure in the pain and failure of others as though it isn’t much more satisfying and inspiring to watch another human being succeed.

What we haven’t yet caught on to is the fact that we are creating the very problems that we’re trying to solve by living with a value system that runs counter to love; and this is what our children are learning.

We teach our children both directly and indirectly, that there is a pecking order, and you don’t want to be at the bottom of it. We do this by criticizing others in front of them, saying unkind words and giving the general impression that some people deserve to be treated with dignity and respect and others don’t. I have even heard adults criticize and judge other children. Putting them down to show their own kids how they’re better. It is no surprise that some children would take this information out into the world and take action to make sure that they’re not victims. Kill or be killed is the program that is running too many lives. This type of thinking will never lead us to a better world.

If we want to solve the issue of bullying, we have to teach children how to behave with dignity and respect towards all others. Not just those who match up to our standards and we have to model this behaviour, or nothing we say will have any impact.

Kindness, needs to be modelled and taught as well as empathy and compassion. Giving children the impression that some people are better than others is a recipe for low self-esteem even if you’re telling them that they are better than others. If the worth scale of human beings is actually real, then get prepared to spend your whole life worrying about whether or not you are enough. This, is a burden that I would like to spare everyone.

Hopefully, we will create solutions and get rid of this problem once and for all so that we stop wasting precious lives and losing the contributions that so many could make to the world if they had learned how to believe in themselves instead of learning that they are inferior. Hopefully, we’ll find a way to show bullies that they don’t have to be bigger, better or stronger to be safe.

In the meantime, I will continue to celebrate the fact that we are finally paying attention to this issue, and that there are so many dedicated people who are contributing to the solutions.

This week, I am celebrating Shane Koyczan who created the video To This Day Project, and I leave you with his fabulous performance at TED which is completely worth spending 12 minutes of your time watching.

A few years ago, I read Will Bowen’s book: A Complaint Free World.

“We see a day when people focus on and speak about what they desire things to be rather than complaining about how things are.”

It makes absolute sense that this would be a better approach towards solving any problem. Action towards what we want has to be a far more efficient approach than endless complaints which never accomplish anything.

Along with movement towards gratitude, (which I highly recommend if you want to increase the quality of your life in any way,) becoming conscious of how much we complain and turning it into action instead makes a whole lot of sense.

However, I also have to wonder if we’re not going a bit overboard?

Does it really benefit us to “always look on the bright side” when things are really bad? Don’t we first have to acknowledge our situations and our feelings about them before we can move on to alternative ways to cope?

Having struggled this past year with some pretty major stresses that were largely beyond my control, I discovered that life is a lot easier when you can meet it’s challenges with acceptance. I also discovered that sometimes, this is just a bit too much to ask.

The truth is, it takes an incredible amount of energy to stay positive when things are really difficult for a long time, and sometimes we just get too tired to turn our frowns upside down. Constantly remaining positive suggests to me that we’re not fully dealing with reality. No one is strong every moment of every day, and pretending won’t make it so.

I get truly tired of hearing people constantly making judgements against those who might be struggling with statements like, “well, whose fault is that?” Suggesting that we are suffering as a result an error we have made, and therefore we deserve our pain.

How exactly is this helpful?

We’re human beings, we all make mistakes and even when we are shying away from or completely avoiding responsibility, being judged and found lacking will not help us to grow. I suspect that many of us who are really striving to live life more positively are missing the boat just a little.

A few years ago, I was spending time on a patio with a group of friends. A couple of us who were at the time the proverbial starving artists got into a conversation about wages being too low for people to be able to support themselves and how difficult it is for some of us to get by.

I was immediately accused of playing the victim instead of doing something about my situation. Then, given a lecture about how I didn’t get a University education suggesting that I simply haven’t worked hard enough to expect to be paid a fair living. This person informed me that they’re sick and tired of listening to people complain. Period. No complaining or else!

So, I promptly invented a time machine, turned back time, restarted my life and chose a different path…

Now, I have been working for some time at creating a new career since my chosen career became nonviable and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life doing work that I hate.

It is not an easy process and one of the things that makes it most difficult is that it is a slow process, and I really cannot do much to speed it up. It will take the time that it takes, and I am happy to report that progress, though slow, is definitely steady.

But here is the problem: I truly believe with all of my heart and soul that I will solve my issues and create work that I love which also gives me the security that I deserve, but when I get there, other people will still be working for a living and earning so little that they have no opportunity to get out of poverty, which is bad news for everyone. “I’m not poor so I’m better than you;” is the stance of the wilfully ignorant.

Since solving the issue for myself is a pretty full time job for now, I don’t have the solution for the rest of the world just yet. So when I have successfully moved on to a better quality of life, the overall problem will remain and is likely to get worse.

Now I could choose the attitude that I’m fixing my own life so go fix yours, but that won’t work for me because I happen to know better. I happen to know that there are so many factors that determine where a person is in their life, that it is absurd to think that anyone who is not me should choose the same path as me. I also know that my path won’t be guaranteed to work for anyone else.

However, if I am to bring up the issue in a discussion, I am a whiner, a victim, someone who is complaining about a problem that affects us all but apparently shouldn’t be discussed.

Being a truly spiritual person does mean (among other things) acceptance of that which we cannot change, and gratitude for all that we have rather than focusing on what we don’t. But when did it turn into judge others instead of listening with a compassionate ear? When did it become, ignore other people’s pain because it’s their own fault and they deserve it?

The truth is, that we all judge each other all of the time and when it comes to those we love, we really do have the best of intentions. Unfortunately, we’re going about it the wrong way.

We cannot begin to solve our own personal issues with judgement and blame, so how on earth are we going to solve the bigger issues that plague our world with judgement and blame? I don’t think we’re going to get anywhere…

I don’t believe for a second that complaining is something we should give up all together, nor criticize each other for. I see it a necessary first step to acknowledging things that need to change, as well as a way to honour our own emotions which tend to create a lot of chaos when not acknowledged.

The key, is to recognize our own complaining so as not to stay stuck in that one mode for too long.

As for the complaints of others. Start with a compassionate ear and can the judgements. If you really see where someone needs to change and you want to help, a gentle offering of alternative reactions would be a more useful option than pointing out why the person deserves to suffer. This way, we can turn complaints into solutions, and problems into opportunities while maintaining our sanity as well as the connections to those we really care about.

One thing that I am definitely grateful for these days, is the realization that there are things that are within my control and things that are beyond my control. The fact that it has taken me 43 years to grasp this obvious piece of reality doesn’t bother me at all because it seems that the majority of us human beings struggle with this concept.

After spending most of 2012 dealing with life circumstances, mostly non-life-threatening but really annoying health issues that were definitely not what I would have chosen for myself, I have finally learned that acceptance of those things which we cannot control may be the only way to find peace and happiness. I say this because I have also learned that no amount of whining or lamenting about what I cannot change is ever going to change anything. Trust me; for many years I was an Olympic champion whiner, and life got a whole lot better when I retired.

Honestly, I think I should be handed some sort of Congratulations On Your New-Found Ability To Grasp The Obvious award.

When faced with situation or circumstance which is beyond our control, how we choose to react to it will play a huge role in how much we suffer.

I am grateful that I was able to immediately apply this principle when on January 12 of this year I fell in my desk chair and cracked a few ribs.

Yes, you read that right. I fell in my desk chair.

The Seriously Clumsy Human Award

I was sitting at my computer and I leaned over the arm of my chair to pick up my cat , forgetting that I had put the chair into a higher

position. Because I was sitting on one leg and the chair was too high, when I got the weight of my tiny cat in my hand, I tipped and slammed into the arm hard enough that breathing is still a bit of a challenge. This was super fun and probably guarantees keeping my place in the Seriously Clumsy Human Hall of Fame.

Fortunately, I was aware enough to take stock of my options regarding how to react to the experience of my new found pain.

Loud wailing of “why me?” or “life is so unfair” or even “Owe!” was out of the question since I could barely breath enough to speak, and adding the event to a mental list of things that suck in my life made the list too long to remember. So I chose different options.

I labelled it as an event, swallowed an entire prescription of Tylenol with Codeine (as recommended by the makers of Tylenol) and then Advil (almost as recommended) for a few weeks and carried on as best I could. This option enabled me to continue with work, my life, and the projects that I am working on so that the injury slowed me down considerably, but didn’t come close to forcing me to stop.

I also practised gratitude at the fact that fractured ribs while painful are way better than the abscessed tooth that I had to deal with last fall. Hey, sometimes you really have to dig to find things to be grateful for, but dig enough, and you’ll find something. I promise.

My ribs are healing well now, (it only hurts a bit when I breathe) and the only thing I cannot do is mop my floors, which is fine because I’m waiting for my magical man-servant to drop out of the sky at any moment.

See? You can always find reasons to be grateful. Just look and keep on looking.

While I’ve been busy not blogging for so many months, I have been working on a project which involves spending a lot of time with Tony Robbins, learning everything that I can about what he does and how he does it.

Of the many valuable things that I have learned from the awesome Mr. Robbins, one has been his simple but common sense formula for happiness.

When our life conditions match our blue print or worldview of how life should be, we’re happy.

When our life conditions don’t match with the blue print, or worldview, we’re not happy.

When our life conditions don’t match our worldview, and we feel powerless to do anything about it, we suffer. If we want to end our suffering, we have to change our circumstances, or, change our worldview.

Having grown weary of suffering, I am committed to putting these principles to work in my own life.

Having an iron deficiency, abscessed tooth and fractured ribs is never a part of any sane persons worldview so I have to file this under: “Shit happens… And sometimes it really sucks.” Which is a part of my worldview.

Believe it or not, this works wonders, and I have been able to find opportunities to grow, and find some peace in less than stellar situations while celebrating the fact that I do have a valid excuse to lie around and do art (Which led to some wonderful creative ideas for my future that I can’t make public, yet.)

When I look back on how much I have suffered in my past, it is rather clear to me now that much of my suffering could have been prevented had I known how to view life from this perspective. Unfortunately, you cannot exercise an option when you are unaware that it exists.

So, having adjusted my worldview yet again I now have some concrete steps to take when life hands me lemons and I’m getting indigestion from all of the lemonade.

1. Accept the fact that the situation is what it is in this moment because telling myself stories about what should be, is a waste of valuable time and energy that might be better spent solving problems instead.
2. Look for solutions and implement them, keeping in mind the reality of what I can control and what I can’t. If there are no solutions to be found, the only viable alternative is to adjust my worldview. If I hang on to my old thinking I will suffer even more.
3.  Repeat the mantra, “This too shall pass” or whatever works to get me through.
4. Practice gratitude: Keep the list of things that I have to be grateful for at the forefront of my mind, even when I’d rather throw myself a pity-party.
5. Invest in imagining some things that do make me happy. Like having Tony Robbins as my personal magical man-servant. No, it’s never going to happen, but it sure is fun to think about.

Of course, it is very difficult to remain positive in every moment especially when life really, really sucks, and I do think that there can be a downside to being so positive that you don’t allow yourself to experience the negative emotions that naturally accompany negative experiences.

Sometimes we simply have to admit when we feel like dirt which is when reaching out to the people we love, and caring deeply for ourselves comes into play.

I will write more about this in my next post: The Art of Complaining.

After working a full-time job, there isn’t much left of me to give, but I am optimistic that things  are starting to improve.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, and having been forced to slow down dramatically (though it is not what anyone would want,) has not come without gifts. Laying low has given me time to explore among other things, art, and I have discovered that I am far more capable than I would ever have dared to dream.  The lesson in this, is to dream bigger than ever before and I am already working, albeit slowly, on growing Arriving At Your Own Door into something really wonderful so that I may give more, and hopefully one day turn this into a full-time career.

As I am still dealing with this, and other health issues,  my art has enabled me to find joy, growth and strength that will get me to the end of this tunnel. Sadly, I don’t get to set the schedule for my healing, but I trust that everything will happen as it should.

For now, I give you:

Swoon. Created by the awesome Effy Wild!

I have decided, that if I cannot find the energy to write posts, at the very least, I can participate in Swoon, the great creation of the wonderful Effy Wild!

Every Sunday, I will Show My Shiny to boost my spirits, and hopefully yours by choosing the best of the previous week.

Whether it be art, or insight or both I will make my best effort to show up at this page with the best of my week.

I didn’t believe for a moment that I would be capable of pulling off this drawing… Proving once and for all, that you never know what will happen until you actually try!

I also wrote about how it is my responsibility to make sure that I do not allow people in my life who will hurt or abuse me. I made a commitment some time ago not to allow anyone else s judgment, or treatment of me affect my self-worth. You cannot take anything from me that I choose not to give.

And then, just a couple of days later I found myself enduring the wrath of an emotional abuser.

This was a complete and total shock to me as up to that point, I had not known about this person’s temper, nor did I know that that temper had a purpose and it was to bully, berate and belittle. The MO of your average abuser, the goal being to cut another down until they have no strength to fight anymore.

I was unable to escape in that moment, but I can assure you, this person will never do it again. I plan to do whatever it takes to remove myself from the situation so that I have no contact with this particular person for the rest of my life. I absolutely believe that this is the only solution in dealing with someone like this.

What blew me away was the reality, that despite my strength, my love for myself, and my commitment to never giving up my personal power, I was still damaged.

I would compare it to having fallen and sprained an ankle or injured my body in some non-life-threatening but nonetheless painful way.

And now, I need time, space, rest and care to recover and then I will be back to my usual powerhouse self. And just like a sprained ankle, I will in no way be scarred for life. Once I extricate myself from this situation, all will be well.

It is unfortunate, that it is the monsters of this world that seem to have the most impact on it and us, but as is often the case when life get’s stupidly difficult, there is a silver lining to even the blackest cloud.

Feeling worn down injured and incredibly vulnerable, I did something that the Jenny Ann Fraser of the past could never have done. Instead of taking responsibility for the treatment that I so wrongly received and hiding in shame, I reached out and said, “Help. I’m hurting.” And as happens when we are truly willing to receive help, it came. In truckloads.

I got it from close friends and family who know and love me, but I also got it from people I have never met in person.

I shared my story with the wonderful women in Effy Wild’s Facebook Group, The Sisterhood of The Book and was overwhelmed with love, support and genuine caring. Instantly I was filled with love and gratitude which has it’s own magic way of clearing out pain.

It reminded me again of what we human beings are capable of when we decide to give freely with our hearts wide open for the sake of others.

So far, since this wonderful group came into being just a few short months ago, it has been my pleasure to write supportive, encouraging words to my sisters, supporting their art and doing my part along with the other 493 sisters to give the best of ourselves in the service of anyone who needs support. Of course, giving really is receiving and interacting within the group has become one of my greatest joys.

This time, it was my turn to receive and remarkable healing has already taken place. My bruised soul is rapidly turning back to it’s healthy colour, and while I would certainly have loved to avoid this incident, it shone a light on some really wonderful things about life.

1. There are more loving people in the world than there are hateful people. It often doesn’t seem that way, but if you open your heart, your mind and your eyes… it will show up.

2. Sadly, there will always be people who have a pathalogical need to hurt others, and the only way to avoid them entirely would be to avoid people entirely… And then you would miss out on all of the love and joy that life has to offer.

   That said: when you come across one of these monsters, RUN AWAY! This is not cowardice, it’s love.

3. When you’re hurt, don’t hide. Reach out and remember there is no shame in asking for help. No one can be strong all of the time, so accept the beauty of what you can find when you’re really willing to look.

4. How people treat you is never and indication of your worth. Yeah, I know, I said that last week, but I needed to say it again… and again.

5. How people treat you is never and indication of your worth.

6. Even when you feel as though life has beaten the crap out of you. There is always something to be grateful for. Acknowledge your pain, but don’t forget to put some focus on the good stuff. If it doesn’t seem as though there is any; look harder and let the healing begin.

   I’m not sure what is going to come of this situation as it is still to be resolved this week. I am relying on my faith that things will work out in the end, (and I’m hoping of course that the end is swift and painless).  In the meantime, I am actively loving myself and others back to where I was a week ago. More than likely stronger than before.

   

   The power behind me is greater than the problem in front of me.~unknown

   
   

I was very blessed to have been born to parents who loved my brother and I fully and unconditionally. Home, was a relatively happy place and a safe-haven from the brutal outside world.

Thank goodness, because when I was in elementary school, that outside world was at times sheer hell due to the bullying and abuse I had to endure at the hands of other children. One of my earliest lessons in life was that people were cruel and something to be feared. I also learned that I was defective in some way that I could not identify or change, which was the only way my young mind could explain my experience. I believed, as children often do, that I must have deserved the treatment I received which started me off on the long road of low self-esteem at an early age. My self-esteem was stolen from me before it ever had a chance to develop.

Of course, everything that you learn as a child is not necessarily true, but it took decades to discover the truth and recognize myself as being lovable and deserving.

I now understand that those who abused me, were also damaged and hurting, and that I was in no way responsible for my experience. There isn’t anyone on the earth who deserves to be abused.

I would imagine, that forgiving my abusers was probably easy compared to other situations. One can hardly blame children for not knowing better. Even though it breaks my heart that too many parents don’t make raising kind children a priority, those children are hardly to blame.

Years later however, when I became so depressed and anxious that I could no longer function, the catalyst had been a work environment where covert bullying was the order of the day. Due to my previous experiences, I basically crumbled under the stress and that little girl who will always be a part of me found more evidence to fuel my belief that I was completely lacking anything that resembled worth. I continued my long standing habit of blaming myself for everything I was experiencing.

Fast forward to today, and I have seen the errors in my thinking and corrected those erroneous thoughts.

I understand now, that because of my ADHD, I was more than a bit slower than others at learning to understand social cues. I did not understand how to “fit in” despite the fact that I made every effort. I did my best, and that is the most anyone is capable of.

I could spend forever contemplating my past analyzing how it impacted me, and lamenting the fact that it wasn’t completely filled with all of the joy and happiness that every child deserves. However, neither of those actions will change what was, and I could never have found my way to health and happiness by focusing on a past that I can do nothing to change.

I have learned to fill myself with the love that was missing in those days.

I accept myself as being far less than perfect, though still the best I can be. Even though there are qualities that I have which I would like to improve, not having improved them up to now does not mean that I am less worthy than any other. We are all here to grow and learn and improving ourselves is an ongoing effort that will never be completed over night.

I have learned that even those who are less than kind are doing their best. They simply don’t know any better.

Here is an example:

At my work, we have a customer who seems to believe that the way to get what he wants in life is to treat those of us who serve them like dirt under his feet. A simple call to schedule an appointment cannot be accomplished without him fulfilling some bizarre need to hand out a string angry of insults. This man’s energy is so violent that he usually leaves me shaking.

The sad reality however, is that this person does not realize that I give him the minimum of customer service that I can as I see no reason why I should make any effort for him at all. Surely, if he understood that his behavior does not earn him the respect he clearly feels he deserves, he would do better. The fact that he treats others as though they are entirely beneath him, doesn’t do a thing to get him better service, nor does it mean that he is right.

His behavior is infuriating to say the least, but I understand that his need to mistreat others is a protective mechanism designed to prevent anyone from mistreating him. I do feel tremendously sorry for anyone who has to go through life like this, even though I wish they would all go away.

The thing is, that I do not need to mirror his belief that I am beneath him. I treat every human soul with dignity and respect and so I claim my right to receive it in return. If others are too damaged to understand that, it won’t change how I feel about myself. I cannot change their misguided thinking, but I can choose how I allow it to affect me.

How we are treated by those who are in our lives may very well be a response to our own behavior, but even when we are wrong, we are still worthy human beings.

The key to learning how to live that truth, was to fill the holes that were created by my early experiences.

Some time ago, I vowed to never hurt another human being if I could help it. I committed to giving love and kindness to everyone in every opportunity, and discovered that giving kindness feels every bit as good as receiving it. With every act of kindness whether big, or as small as offering a bright smile to a stranger passed on the street, I fill myself with love.

You don’t have to earn my kindness, I will assume that you deserve it unless you prove otherwise, and should you prove that you will abuse or take advantage of me, it is my responsibility to know when to walk away.

If you want to be in my life, then you will have to be someone who helps me rather than hurts me. It is my job to make sure that only those who support me in being my best self are allowed to have an impact on my life.

If there is someone in my life whom I cannot avoid who behaves in hurtful ways, I recognize now that I do not have to give them the power to pull me down, and I won’t. I cannot control everything that goes on around me. I cannot change anything that happened in the past. But I will never again allow anyone’s treatment of me to define my worth.

The past doesn’t equal the future. Unless you live there.” Tony Robbins

Part Three of my “Feast on Your Life Series”: The Myth of Perfection

The look on my face was one of complete shock which probably registered to her as denial.

“You don’t see yourself as a perfectionist,” she asked?

“No!” I responded emphatically thinking about how I lived a chaotic messy life and to my mind never did much that was marginally right let alone perfect. “If I were a perfectionist, then I would try harder to be perfect!”

At that moment, the reality of my situation hit and we both ended up laughing together.

Here I was, such a perfectionist that I didn’t believe that I even deserved the diagnosis!

Perfectionism is a disorder, make no mistake. It is not a quality that leads one to strive for excellence, but a pathology that says that nothing is or ever will be good enough. The quest for perfection can only lead in one direction which is to focus on what is wrong instead of what is right.

My beloved flute teacher, when I was a teenager, after 30 years playing with our city’s symphony and teaching some very talented flutists, used to tell me; “there is no perfect in music.”

It is true, that there is always another perspective, another angle to approach a piece, another interpretation. One might sound better to one person, another better to another. There is no definitive best way, and there never will be. There is no perfect.

I would argue, that despite an education system that trains us to believe differently by rewarding us with check-marks and A+ s for right answers, and red X-marks and Ds for wrong answers that in reality, this is true of everything. Perfection is in the eye, or ear or mind of the beholder. Yet another oft bought into mental construct that is a lie.

For years, my need to be perfect paralyzed me, and stole the joy of doing many things that I ache to do. Getting back to music as an adult lead to frequent panic attacks, (even though I had brilliant teaching as both a young student and as an adult). I love to draw and paint and create, but I am not loaded with natural talent for visual art. My quest for perfection prevented me from learning so that I could improve.

Mistakes, which I make often as a result of my ADHD, were seen as evidence of my failure as a human being. This did nothing to help me to grow and move forward in life of course, as fear of failure is as paralyzing as any fear. Being paralyzed is no fun at all and it won’t get you anywhere.

What changed things for me was when I learned to say: “It’s good enough as long as I tried, and learned something even if I’m not perfect and make that same error again in the future. Perfection is an unattainable myth and I will do better to strive towards the goal of simply trying.”

These days, I celebrate the success of having tried something new and celebrate the results even when they fall short of my own ideals.

Time and age has opened my eyes a little wider and I now clearly see that though I have been surrounded in my life by people I revere and admire, none of them are any more perfect than I.

Perfection in human life is a myth and I am darned grateful for that because if one could do anything they set their mind to and do it perfectly the first time, life would be horribly dull. True perfection would mean that there is nothing left to learn. I for one am very grateful that I will never reach that point.

I think that the worst most soul-sucking damage that the ideal of perfection brings us is the belief that what we do is not perfect and therefore lowers our value as human beings. Having lived this lie and knowing how destructive it is, I would love to obliterate it forever so that we could all know the joy of being our authentic selves. 

Accepting the reality of perfection as an unattainable myth has freed me to try things and to fail incredibly if that is the step I must take to grow. It has allowed me to stop looking for perfection in others, and fooling myself into believing that others are better than me. It saves me from a mountain of disappointment when reality comes to light.

Reality tends not to bite me in the butt so much these days because I am far more capable of seeing it for what it really is.

Letting go of perfectionism means that I do not have to lie, or hide or be ashamed that there are just some things I suck at. This is because I know that if you are a living, breathing human being, there are some things you suck at too. This opens the clouds so that the true, honest greatness that I believe exists within all of us, (despite our so-called failures) can be given the opportunity to shine.

A few weeks ago, I decided to answer the calling to pick up a sketchbook for the first time in over a decade and attempt to learn to draw faces. The old frightened young me did this often but used the less than stellar results to feel even worse about myself for not being better. Eventually, I just gave up instead of pushing myself to get better by trying because I was too afraid that even much effort would end in failure. I believed that putting in my best effort and failing anyway would prove that my worst fears were true: That I was an inferior being, less deserving of happiness and love than the rest of the humans out there. The result of this was a sad loss of a couple of decades of artistic growth that would have served as beautiful fuel for what was once a very damaged soul.

Today however, I approach things very differently.

This time, my goal was to draw a face. A bad face, an ugly face, a misshapen face. It didn’t matter.

Each attempt was met with acceptance despite its lack of correctness, never mind perfection. And lo-and-behold, each attempt got a little better. Attempt #4 though still falling short of my dreams, made it all the way to becoming my first digital painting and then an art journal page which served as the image for my last post.

The young me could never have shown a soul even this attempt, let alone put it out for the world to see. I would have been too busy focusing on everything that was less than perfect and convincing myself that this was evidence of my own lack of worth.

The key to reaching the place where I am now is changing the way that I think about perfection. I accept what is, and focus on the good. No, this drawing might not be as good as I would like, but I did it and that is what is important. Then, I pat myself on the back and celebrate success.

I have learned over time to do this with most things.

A screw up at work which was once met with panic is now met with A. How do I fix this? B. What went wrong and can I do something different next time? And C. “Ok. In this moment you might have sucked, but overall, your pretty awesome… so move on.”

It takes time, and practice to change one’s thinking. Old thought patterns die hard and just like learning to draw, trying, trying and trying again until new, healthier thoughts and ideas become habit is the key to successful growth and it is truly the only key there is.

Sadly, we are so programmed by an education system that essentially punishes mistakes, (not to mention a culture that shames flaws for entertainment,) that I think most of us have to go through this process of letting go of ideas that suggest that we need to do everything right. Some of my past mistakes have been extremely painful, but there is no doubt that they have been my best teachers.

Is there something that you want to learn but are afraid to fail at? I would suggest that you go for it and plan to fail. Plan to fail, and plan to love yourself for trying and keep trying. Enjoy the process, because if you are doing something you really want to do; at the end of the day, it is the effort that you will find rewarding as much, if not more, than the result.

I may never be an accomplished fine artist and I am totally fine with that. It doesn’t mean that I can’t experience all of the joy that a fine artist does just by allowing myself to stretch and grow.

In truth, it is experience that we really crave. The feeling that we expect to get when we accomplish a goal. We bypass the opportunity to feel those positive emotions when we choose to believe that our efforts are not enough, unconsciously substituting pain where there should be joy.

It is all about what we tell ourselves. The internal dialogue that form our beliefs about ourselves and the world we live in.

Striving for perfection leaves us bound with little room to grow. No room to make necessary mistakes so that we can learn and discover. No room to find out who we are and what we were meant to be.

Embrace the reality that perfection as a myth, and you will find more freedom than you have known before.  Allow yourself to believe that you are enough as you are without striving towards man-made ideals designed to make us feel bad about ourselves. Do not allow ideas that say your efforts are not good enough, thus defining your worth,  and you will be well on your way to loving yourself.

Part Two of  my “Feast On Your Life” Series.  Finding Our Strength.

Rather than wasting words explaining why this happened, (the short version is that I allowed myself to get side-tracked by life) I will simply continue on from where I left off with a better plan than I had at that time. This would be because I now have a plan…

For so many years of my life, I have struggled with self-worth. For a long time I lived in a space where I was completely incapable of believing that I was worthy of anything good, from acquiring a decent apartment to believing that I should eat. For a long time, I struggled to find reasons why I should stay alive.

Fortunately, I did choose life, and with the help of a few years with an excellent therapist, my own determination, and a willingness to embrace new ways of thinking, I found my way to a healthier place.

Growth, is somewhat relative. On one hand, I could see how far I had come from my darkest days, giving me every reason to believe that I had achieved a state of emotional health but over time, I became aware that I was still making choices in my life that didn’t serve me. The underlying belief that I was less worthy than others had diminished, but not enough that I was capable of accepting the best for my life, and so I began phase two of learning to love myself.

I made it. I now love myself, and realize that I was always worthy of love, compassion, connection, joy and abundance. The whole concept of Arriving at Your Own Door was born out of this revelation, and I would love for everyone to have the opportunity “Arrive” at their own doors. Wherever that may lead, it’s a great door.

As mentioned in my last post; Look At Me! I’m Better Than a Crack Addict!, I believe that we live in a culture that programs us to fail at loving ourselves (which leads to failure in many other areas). Every time you turn around there will be someone or something to tell you why you need to be better, and that someone else is, so it is no wonder that all around me, I see others struggling to believe in themselves and their dreams and goals. I hate seeing this. We rob the world of the best we have to offer when we can’t believe that we have a best to offer or that it is enough. We hurt not only ourselves, but also others with our own insecurities and dysfunctional ideas and fears about worth.

For years, I would look back on that terrible dark time in my past life with an overwhelming feeling of shame for having succumbed to mental illness in the form of anxiety and depression. This wasn’t due to not understanding my illness as much as it was due to how others might judge me because of it. There are many who would be less than kind then and now, but I recognize that those who don’t get it are simply misguided. They are not correct in their assumptions about me or my past and their errors are not something that I choose to spend my energy worrying about. By not being open, I cannot share what I have learned and that would be sad indeed. Knowing how much I have learned from my experiences makes having to endure even the worst of my past worth it all. I might not have the joy that I celebrate today without that history.

Over the next few weeks, I will be writing what I believe is what we all need to know if we are going to truly learn to love ourselves and others. It would be nice if we could spend our lives knowing this without having to hit bottom and climb our way back.

Of course, everyone’s journey is entirely different so I cannot believe that there is only one way to achieve any goal. Whatever get’s one to state of health and happiness is all good as long as it doesn’t impede the journey of anyone else.

In the coming weeks I will be tackling the concepts that I believe got me to where I am today and since how we think determines how we feel, it makes sense to me that this will work for others.

I will be taking a look at:

The Myth of Perfection: How aspiring to be more than we are capable of in this moment can prevent us from becoming more capable in the future. 

Accepting What Was: We are not our pasts, which is a good thing because there is nothing we can do to change them. 

Letting Go of Harsh Judgments: We are never more critical of others than we are of ourselves. Letting go of judging others harshly and finding our own compassion is a necessary step to letting go of harsh and cruel beliefs about ourselves.

Making Mistakes: It is impossible to learn anything difficult without making mistakes so why do we fear them so much? 

Looking Within: Nothing external will give you the feelings of self-worth you are looking for. Outside circumstances can change at the drop of a hat and don’t determine our value. Learn to look within and love what you find. 

Re-writing Your Story: No, we can’t change the past but we can change our relationship with it. There are always multiple angles from which to view any situation. Change the viewpoint and you change the story. 

Practicing Gratitude: One of the biggest keys to my joy in life is focusing on all that I have to be grateful for, even when it is less than ideal. 

Loving Ourselves: It can be done. Really.

and…

What to do when we get there:  This might just be where the real fun begins! 

We really don’t need anyone’s permission to love ourselves.

Part One of my Feast On Your Life Series: Look At Me! I’m Better Than A Crack Addict!

Last Saturday night, February 11, 2012, my Facebook status read:

“ Rest in peace Whitney Houston. Thank you for the music.”

I meant it.

Of course I knew that as the hours and days passed since her untimely death, the reports and stories of her tragic life would be all over the internet, news and television complete with all of the judgment we love to lay on those who make wrong choices in life.

I’ve even read that we should be focused on her mistakes and bad choices, not the gift that she gave the world with her incredible talent. The idea behind this is that if we don’t focus on the negative, we will not learn from her.

Learn what I have to ask? What exactly does paying attention to the dark side of Whitney Houston’s life have to teach us? Fame is difficult? Fortunately most of us will never have to worry about that. Don’t marry Bobby Brown? Even less of us have to worry about that. Crack cocaine is dangerous? Well, it sure is, but if we needed another dead celebrity to teach us about the dangers of drugs and alcohol addiction, we probably already have some serious problems of our own to contend with.

Here’s a lesson we can learn from Whitney Houston: Sometimes you don’t have time to claw your way out of a deep dark pit once you have fallen into it.

So where is the benefit to focusing on that dark side of someone most of us never met when there was so much light in that past? You may not have been inspired to walk around with the top button of your jeans undone like I did in the late 80’s, but that golden voice touched a lot of souls. And even if yours wasn’t one of them, beauty is after all in the eye or ear of the beholder; the world is a much better place because of everything that we individually find to be beautiful. Why not focus solely on that?

For the same reason that we heard much criticism of Steve Jobs when he passed away at far too young an age though due to circumstances clearly beyond his control. Because we are all part of a culture where it is common place to look down on others for well, any reason imaginable, but most of all for being less than perfect.

Take a look at your local grocery store check out magazine rack at any point in the last few decades? You won’t see a lot of happy headlines spouting happy news about wonderful people in our world. Some, for sure, but mostly you will see real and made up accounts designed to shame and belittle those we supposedly admire.

Even the Dalai Lama is not immune. An inspirational picture posted on my facebook wall with the words of the Dalai Lama inspired someone to comment: “Nevermind the fact that the Llama is a fraud.” without of course any evidence to back the accusation up. And we’re not much kinder to ourselves or each other in our day to day lives.

None of us is free from the constant criticism of others and we all know it. We all know it, and most of us engage in it. We never have to look far to find someone whom we don’t agree with and it is commonplace to criticize in order to make ourselves feel that we are superior to them.

Since we are constantly judging each other negatively all of the time, it makes absolute sense that we would worry about others judging us. And no matter what, there is someone out there who won’t think that we measure up, and we waste a lot of valuable energy worrying about it.

We look down on each other for the amount of money we earn. What neighborhood we live in. What we look like, weight, fashion sense, religion, race, age and every single petty thing, big or small that lies in between.

No wonder the majority of us don’t know how to love ourselves.

Yep, I said it and I mean it. A person who has true self-worth has no need to look down on anyone else so that they might feel superior. The truth of the matter is that it doesn’t feel good, and it certainly won’t make you feel better about yourself.

 “So you’re better than a crack-addict? Yay you!”

 Feel better now? I doubt it.

Even if it does make us feel better about ourselves for a minute or two, clearly it doesn’t last or we wouldn’t have to continue the behavior.

So why do we continue this destructive behavior?

First of all, we live in a culture that has programmed us to believe that there is an order to the worth of human beings. Where we fall in this order determines that worth, and by worth, I’m talking about the right to love, compassion, connection, joy, security…and all of the other things that every single human being on the planet needs and wants.

Generally speaking it is mostly based on money, but also based on all things tied to money and really stupid things such as taste in music or fashion. And there is not much thought given to whether or not those things are within our control never-less whether or not they matter.

Things like looks, intelligence, social background, profession, race, religion, weight and other things we have little or no control over… the list goes on and on.

From the day we enter school, if not earlier, we are introduced to a social pecking order that is completely made up in the minds of human beings who have never bothered to ask how one person could be less worthy of what we truly need than any other. And we base much of our decision making in these matters on things that are not within our control.

On top of that, we assign an inordinate amount of responsibility for control over the things that we have some chance of mastering.

 “If I was a crack-addict I’d just get over it!”

 Really?

So whether we come to it out of belief that we’re low on the worth scale, or whether we come to it out of fear that we are low on the worth scale, and everything in between, it is pretty common to go through our lives either striving to rise, or giving up entirely and again, everything in between, and then we cut down others as extra insurance because we never quite get there…

Being critical and judgmental of others does the opposite of what we are looking for. We are reaffirming our own fears or beliefs that some people have less value, than others every time we do it, therefore proving our own space in the pecking order.

The pecking order is nothing more than a mental construct and it is a devastating one at that.

What if, you found a way to feel good about yourself, most if not all of the time, from where you are, regardless of you bank balance, how clean your house is, whether or not you hair is frizzy, your career is successful, you live your dream life or maintain your ideal weight?

What if you knew how to accept the reality that there isn’t a perfect person on the entire planet (except for maybe The Dalai Llama) and where you are is not a reflection of your value as a human being but a part of your journey? What if you knew how to love yourself completely and unconditionally, as you are, where you are? And what if you didn’t believe you were worthy of love, compassion, connection joy and abundance, but instead, you knew you were worthy?

Would you need to look down on anyone else?

For me, learning to accept myself as I am, where I am, started with the effort to grow in compassion for others, and use judgment as a means to make decisions about what will keep me safe and healthy as opposed to judging the value of others. When I began to make a conscious effort to view others from a place of understanding and forgiveness, I began for the first time in my life to forgive myself for all of my failings, real and imagined. I hear that this is kind of backwards: Which proves that there is never only one right way to do anything.

In the late 90′s, after the fashion influence of Whitney Houston. I starved myself down to 92 lbs because I didn’t believe I deserved food, and hid myself as much as possible for years. Now, I love me.

I’m not a psychologist, or a guru and I cannot/ will not promise to solve anyone’s problems; but I have learned a lot from my own journey, I want to share. Everywhere I turn lately, it is so obvious that people are struggling.

I believe that we have the collective potential to solve any problem that we face by letting go of judging the worth of ourselves and others, opening up respectful dialogue and sharing with all of the love and compassion we can muster.

I actually believe that we can change the world, but doing to do that, we would have to commit to believing in ourselves and each other.

I am dedicating the rest of this month to writing about what I have learned along my journey to self-worth and I would love to bring anyone who wants to join along for the ride. I would love for everyone to be able to “Feast On Your Life”.

You can join me by subscribing to Arriving At Your Own Door by EMAIL or RSS and/or clicking the LIKE button on the Arriving At Your Own Door Facebook Page. I will be on Facebook tonight, (Thursday February 16, 2012)  between 7:00 and 9:00 PM CST and on Saturday (February 18, 2012 between 12:00PM and 3:00 PM CST.) Please drop by and we can discuss ways to grow in love for ourselves and others. I’d love to meet you!

It doesn't require any effort to be critical of others or to sling insults. Kindness and compassion however do require effort. I guess that's why many so rarely choose it even though it may be the only path to happiness.