I also wrote about how it is my responsibility to make sure that I do not allow people in my life who will hurt or abuse me. I made a commitment some time ago not to allow anyone else s judgment, or treatment of me affect my self-worth. You cannot take anything from me that I choose not to give.

And then, just a couple of days later I found myself enduring the wrath of an emotional abuser.

This was a complete and total shock to me as up to that point, I had not known about this person’s temper, nor did I know that that temper had a purpose and it was to bully, berate and belittle. The MO of your average abuser, the goal being to cut another down until they have no strength to fight anymore.

I was unable to escape in that moment, but I can assure you, this person will never do it again. I plan to do whatever it takes to remove myself from the situation so that I have no contact with this particular person for the rest of my life. I absolutely believe that this is the only solution in dealing with someone like this.

What blew me away was the reality, that despite my strength, my love for myself, and my commitment to never giving up my personal power, I was still damaged.

I would compare it to having fallen and sprained an ankle or injured my body in some non-life-threatening but nonetheless painful way.

And now, I need time, space, rest and care to recover and then I will be back to my usual powerhouse self. And just like a sprained ankle, I will in no way be scarred for life. Once I extricate myself from this situation, all will be well.

It is unfortunate, that it is the monsters of this world that seem to have the most impact on it and us, but as is often the case when life get’s stupidly difficult, there is a silver lining to even the blackest cloud.

Feeling worn down injured and incredibly vulnerable, I did something that the Jenny Ann Fraser of the past could never have done. Instead of taking responsibility for the treatment that I so wrongly received and hiding in shame, I reached out and said, “Help. I’m hurting.” And as happens when we are truly willing to receive help, it came. In truckloads.

I got it from close friends and family who know and love me, but I also got it from people I have never met in person.

I shared my story with the wonderful women in Effy Wild’s Facebook Group, The Sisterhood of The Book and was overwhelmed with love, support and genuine caring. Instantly I was filled with love and gratitude which has it’s own magic way of clearing out pain.

It reminded me again of what we human beings are capable of when we decide to give freely with our hearts wide open for the sake of others.

So far, since this wonderful group came into being just a few short months ago, it has been my pleasure to write supportive, encouraging words to my sisters, supporting their art and doing my part along with the other 493 sisters to give the best of ourselves in the service of anyone who needs support. Of course, giving really is receiving and interacting within the group has become one of my greatest joys.

This time, it was my turn to receive and remarkable healing has already taken place. My bruised soul is rapidly turning back to it’s healthy colour, and while I would certainly have loved to avoid this incident, it shone a light on some really wonderful things about life.

1. There are more loving people in the world than there are hateful people. It often doesn’t seem that way, but if you open your heart, your mind and your eyes… it will show up.

2. Sadly, there will always be people who have a pathalogical need to hurt others, and the only way to avoid them entirely would be to avoid people entirely… And then you would miss out on all of the love and joy that life has to offer.

   That said: when you come across one of these monsters, RUN AWAY! This is not cowardice, it’s love.

3. When you’re hurt, don’t hide. Reach out and remember there is no shame in asking for help. No one can be strong all of the time, so accept the beauty of what you can find when you’re really willing to look.

4. How people treat you is never and indication of your worth. Yeah, I know, I said that last week, but I needed to say it again… and again.

5. How people treat you is never and indication of your worth.

6. Even when you feel as though life has beaten the crap out of you. There is always something to be grateful for. Acknowledge your pain, but don’t forget to put some focus on the good stuff. If it doesn’t seem as though there is any; look harder and let the healing begin.

   I’m not sure what is going to come of this situation as it is still to be resolved this week. I am relying on my faith that things will work out in the end, (and I’m hoping of course that the end is swift and painless).  In the meantime, I am actively loving myself and others back to where I was a week ago. More than likely stronger than before.

   

   The power behind me is greater than the problem in front of me.~unknown

   
   

I was very blessed to have been born to parents who loved my brother and I fully and unconditionally. Home, was a relatively happy place and a safe-haven from the brutal outside world.

Thank goodness, because when I was in elementary school, that outside world was at times sheer hell due to the bullying and abuse I had to endure at the hands of other children. One of my earliest lessons in life was that people were cruel and something to be feared. I also learned that I was defective in some way that I could not identify or change, which was the only way my young mind could explain my experience. I believed, as children often do, that I must have deserved the treatment I received which started me off on the long road of low self-esteem at an early age. My self-esteem was stolen from me before it ever had a chance to develop.

Of course, everything that you learn as a child is not necessarily true, but it took decades to discover the truth and recognize myself as being lovable and deserving.

I now understand that those who abused me, were also damaged and hurting, and that I was in no way responsible for my experience. There isn’t anyone on the earth who deserves to be abused.

I would imagine, that forgiving my abusers was probably easy compared to other situations. One can hardly blame children for not knowing better. Even though it breaks my heart that too many parents don’t make raising kind children a priority, those children are hardly to blame.

Years later however, when I became so depressed and anxious that I could no longer function, the catalyst had been a work environment where covert bullying was the order of the day. Due to my previous experiences, I basically crumbled under the stress and that little girl who will always be a part of me found more evidence to fuel my belief that I was completely lacking anything that resembled worth. I continued my long standing habit of blaming myself for everything I was experiencing.

Fast forward to today, and I have seen the errors in my thinking and corrected those erroneous thoughts.

I understand now, that because of my ADHD, I was more than a bit slower than others at learning to understand social cues. I did not understand how to “fit in” despite the fact that I made every effort. I did my best, and that is the most anyone is capable of.

I could spend forever contemplating my past analyzing how it impacted me, and lamenting the fact that it wasn’t completely filled with all of the joy and happiness that every child deserves. However, neither of those actions will change what was, and I could never have found my way to health and happiness by focusing on a past that I can do nothing to change.

I have learned to fill myself with the love that was missing in those days.

I accept myself as being far less than perfect, though still the best I can be. Even though there are qualities that I have which I would like to improve, not having improved them up to now does not mean that I am less worthy than any other. We are all here to grow and learn and improving ourselves is an ongoing effort that will never be completed over night.

I have learned that even those who are less than kind are doing their best. They simply don’t know any better.

Here is an example:

At my work, we have a customer who seems to believe that the way to get what he wants in life is to treat those of us who serve them like dirt under his feet. A simple call to schedule an appointment cannot be accomplished without him fulfilling some bizarre need to hand out a string angry of insults. This man’s energy is so violent that he usually leaves me shaking.

The sad reality however, is that this person does not realize that I give him the minimum of customer service that I can as I see no reason why I should make any effort for him at all. Surely, if he understood that his behavior does not earn him the respect he clearly feels he deserves, he would do better. The fact that he treats others as though they are entirely beneath him, doesn’t do a thing to get him better service, nor does it mean that he is right.

His behavior is infuriating to say the least, but I understand that his need to mistreat others is a protective mechanism designed to prevent anyone from mistreating him. I do feel tremendously sorry for anyone who has to go through life like this, even though I wish they would all go away.

The thing is, that I do not need to mirror his belief that I am beneath him. I treat every human soul with dignity and respect and so I claim my right to receive it in return. If others are too damaged to understand that, it won’t change how I feel about myself. I cannot change their misguided thinking, but I can choose how I allow it to affect me.

How we are treated by those who are in our lives may very well be a response to our own behavior, but even when we are wrong, we are still worthy human beings.

The key to learning how to live that truth, was to fill the holes that were created by my early experiences.

Some time ago, I vowed to never hurt another human being if I could help it. I committed to giving love and kindness to everyone in every opportunity, and discovered that giving kindness feels every bit as good as receiving it. With every act of kindness whether big, or as small as offering a bright smile to a stranger passed on the street, I fill myself with love.

You don’t have to earn my kindness, I will assume that you deserve it unless you prove otherwise, and should you prove that you will abuse or take advantage of me, it is my responsibility to know when to walk away.

If you want to be in my life, then you will have to be someone who helps me rather than hurts me. It is my job to make sure that only those who support me in being my best self are allowed to have an impact on my life.

If there is someone in my life whom I cannot avoid who behaves in hurtful ways, I recognize now that I do not have to give them the power to pull me down, and I won’t. I cannot control everything that goes on around me. I cannot change anything that happened in the past. But I will never again allow anyone’s treatment of me to define my worth.

The past doesn’t equal the future. Unless you live there.” Tony Robbins

Part Three of my “Feast on Your Life Series”: The Myth of Perfection

The look on my face was one of complete shock which probably registered to her as denial.

“You don’t see yourself as a perfectionist,” she asked?

“No!” I responded emphatically thinking about how I lived a chaotic messy life and to my mind never did much that was marginally right let alone perfect. “If I were a perfectionist, then I would try harder to be perfect!”

At that moment, the reality of my situation hit and we both ended up laughing together.

Here I was, such a perfectionist that I didn’t believe that I even deserved the diagnosis!

Perfectionism is a disorder, make no mistake. It is not a quality that leads one to strive for excellence, but a pathology that says that nothing is or ever will be good enough. The quest for perfection can only lead in one direction which is to focus on what is wrong instead of what is right.

My beloved flute teacher, when I was a teenager, after 30 years playing with our city’s symphony and teaching some very talented flutists, used to tell me; “there is no perfect in music.”

It is true, that there is always another perspective, another angle to approach a piece, another interpretation. One might sound better to one person, another better to another. There is no definitive best way, and there never will be. There is no perfect.

I would argue, that despite an education system that trains us to believe differently by rewarding us with check-marks and A+ s for right answers, and red X-marks and Ds for wrong answers that in reality, this is true of everything. Perfection is in the eye, or ear or mind of the beholder. Yet another oft bought into mental construct that is a lie.

For years, my need to be perfect paralyzed me, and stole the joy of doing many things that I ache to do. Getting back to music as an adult lead to frequent panic attacks, (even though I had brilliant teaching as both a young student and as an adult). I love to draw and paint and create, but I am not loaded with natural talent for visual art. My quest for perfection prevented me from learning so that I could improve.

Mistakes, which I make often as a result of my ADHD, were seen as evidence of my failure as a human being. This did nothing to help me to grow and move forward in life of course, as fear of failure is as paralyzing as any fear. Being paralyzed is no fun at all and it won’t get you anywhere.

What changed things for me was when I learned to say: “It’s good enough as long as I tried, and learned something even if I’m not perfect and make that same error again in the future. Perfection is an unattainable myth and I will do better to strive towards the goal of simply trying.”

These days, I celebrate the success of having tried something new and celebrate the results even when they fall short of my own ideals.

Time and age has opened my eyes a little wider and I now clearly see that though I have been surrounded in my life by people I revere and admire, none of them are any more perfect than I.

Perfection in human life is a myth and I am darned grateful for that because if one could do anything they set their mind to and do it perfectly the first time, life would be horribly dull. True perfection would mean that there is nothing left to learn. I for one am very grateful that I will never reach that point.

I think that the worst most soul-sucking damage that the ideal of perfection brings us is the belief that what we do is not perfect and therefore lowers our value as human beings. Having lived this lie and knowing how destructive it is, I would love to obliterate it forever so that we could all know the joy of being our authentic selves. 

Accepting the reality of perfection as an unattainable myth has freed me to try things and to fail incredibly if that is the step I must take to grow. It has allowed me to stop looking for perfection in others, and fooling myself into believing that others are better than me. It saves me from a mountain of disappointment when reality comes to light.

Reality tends not to bite me in the butt so much these days because I am far more capable of seeing it for what it really is.

Letting go of perfectionism means that I do not have to lie, or hide or be ashamed that there are just some things I suck at. This is because I know that if you are a living, breathing human being, there are some things you suck at too. This opens the clouds so that the true, honest greatness that I believe exists within all of us, (despite our so-called failures) can be given the opportunity to shine.

A few weeks ago, I decided to answer the calling to pick up a sketchbook for the first time in over a decade and attempt to learn to draw faces. The old frightened young me did this often but used the less than stellar results to feel even worse about myself for not being better. Eventually, I just gave up instead of pushing myself to get better by trying because I was too afraid that even much effort would end in failure. I believed that putting in my best effort and failing anyway would prove that my worst fears were true: That I was an inferior being, less deserving of happiness and love than the rest of the humans out there. The result of this was a sad loss of a couple of decades of artistic growth that would have served as beautiful fuel for what was once a very damaged soul.

Today however, I approach things very differently.

This time, my goal was to draw a face. A bad face, an ugly face, a misshapen face. It didn’t matter.

Each attempt was met with acceptance despite its lack of correctness, never mind perfection. And lo-and-behold, each attempt got a little better. Attempt #4 though still falling short of my dreams, made it all the way to becoming my first digital painting and then an art journal page which served as the image for my last post.

The young me could never have shown a soul even this attempt, let alone put it out for the world to see. I would have been too busy focusing on everything that was less than perfect and convincing myself that this was evidence of my own lack of worth.

The key to reaching the place where I am now is changing the way that I think about perfection. I accept what is, and focus on the good. No, this drawing might not be as good as I would like, but I did it and that is what is important. Then, I pat myself on the back and celebrate success.

I have learned over time to do this with most things.

A screw up at work which was once met with panic is now met with A. How do I fix this? B. What went wrong and can I do something different next time? And C. “Ok. In this moment you might have sucked, but overall, your pretty awesome… so move on.”

It takes time, and practice to change one’s thinking. Old thought patterns die hard and just like learning to draw, trying, trying and trying again until new, healthier thoughts and ideas become habit is the key to successful growth and it is truly the only key there is.

Sadly, we are so programmed by an education system that essentially punishes mistakes, (not to mention a culture that shames flaws for entertainment,) that I think most of us have to go through this process of letting go of ideas that suggest that we need to do everything right. Some of my past mistakes have been extremely painful, but there is no doubt that they have been my best teachers.

Is there something that you want to learn but are afraid to fail at? I would suggest that you go for it and plan to fail. Plan to fail, and plan to love yourself for trying and keep trying. Enjoy the process, because if you are doing something you really want to do; at the end of the day, it is the effort that you will find rewarding as much, if not more, than the result.

I may never be an accomplished fine artist and I am totally fine with that. It doesn’t mean that I can’t experience all of the joy that a fine artist does just by allowing myself to stretch and grow.

In truth, it is experience that we really crave. The feeling that we expect to get when we accomplish a goal. We bypass the opportunity to feel those positive emotions when we choose to believe that our efforts are not enough, unconsciously substituting pain where there should be joy.

It is all about what we tell ourselves. The internal dialogue that form our beliefs about ourselves and the world we live in.

Striving for perfection leaves us bound with little room to grow. No room to make necessary mistakes so that we can learn and discover. No room to find out who we are and what we were meant to be.

Embrace the reality that perfection as a myth, and you will find more freedom than you have known before.  Allow yourself to believe that you are enough as you are without striving towards man-made ideals designed to make us feel bad about ourselves. Do not allow ideas that say your efforts are not good enough, thus defining your worth,  and you will be well on your way to loving yourself.

Part Two of  my “Feast On Your Life” Series.  Finding Our Strength.

Rather than wasting words explaining why this happened, (the short version is that I allowed myself to get side-tracked by life) I will simply continue on from where I left off with a better plan than I had at that time. This would be because I now have a plan…

For so many years of my life, I have struggled with self-worth. For a long time I lived in a space where I was completely incapable of believing that I was worthy of anything good, from acquiring a decent apartment to believing that I should eat. For a long time, I struggled to find reasons why I should stay alive.

Fortunately, I did choose life, and with the help of a few years with an excellent therapist, my own determination, and a willingness to embrace new ways of thinking, I found my way to a healthier place.

Growth, is somewhat relative. On one hand, I could see how far I had come from my darkest days, giving me every reason to believe that I had achieved a state of emotional health but over time, I became aware that I was still making choices in my life that didn’t serve me. The underlying belief that I was less worthy than others had diminished, but not enough that I was capable of accepting the best for my life, and so I began phase two of learning to love myself.

I made it. I now love myself, and realize that I was always worthy of love, compassion, connection, joy and abundance. The whole concept of Arriving at Your Own Door was born out of this revelation, and I would love for everyone to have the opportunity “Arrive” at their own doors. Wherever that may lead, it’s a great door.

As mentioned in my last post; Look At Me! I’m Better Than a Crack Addict!, I believe that we live in a culture that programs us to fail at loving ourselves (which leads to failure in many other areas). Every time you turn around there will be someone or something to tell you why you need to be better, and that someone else is, so it is no wonder that all around me, I see others struggling to believe in themselves and their dreams and goals. I hate seeing this. We rob the world of the best we have to offer when we can’t believe that we have a best to offer or that it is enough. We hurt not only ourselves, but also others with our own insecurities and dysfunctional ideas and fears about worth.

For years, I would look back on that terrible dark time in my past life with an overwhelming feeling of shame for having succumbed to mental illness in the form of anxiety and depression. This wasn’t due to not understanding my illness as much as it was due to how others might judge me because of it. There are many who would be less than kind then and now, but I recognize that those who don’t get it are simply misguided. They are not correct in their assumptions about me or my past and their errors are not something that I choose to spend my energy worrying about. By not being open, I cannot share what I have learned and that would be sad indeed. Knowing how much I have learned from my experiences makes having to endure even the worst of my past worth it all. I might not have the joy that I celebrate today without that history.

Over the next few weeks, I will be writing what I believe is what we all need to know if we are going to truly learn to love ourselves and others. It would be nice if we could spend our lives knowing this without having to hit bottom and climb our way back.

Of course, everyone’s journey is entirely different so I cannot believe that there is only one way to achieve any goal. Whatever get’s one to state of health and happiness is all good as long as it doesn’t impede the journey of anyone else.

In the coming weeks I will be tackling the concepts that I believe got me to where I am today and since how we think determines how we feel, it makes sense to me that this will work for others.

I will be taking a look at:

The Myth of Perfection: How aspiring to be more than we are capable of in this moment can prevent us from becoming more capable in the future. 

Accepting What Was: We are not our pasts, which is a good thing because there is nothing we can do to change them. 

Letting Go of Harsh Judgments: We are never more critical of others than we are of ourselves. Letting go of judging others harshly and finding our own compassion is a necessary step to letting go of harsh and cruel beliefs about ourselves.

Making Mistakes: It is impossible to learn anything difficult without making mistakes so why do we fear them so much? 

Looking Within: Nothing external will give you the feelings of self-worth you are looking for. Outside circumstances can change at the drop of a hat and don’t determine our value. Learn to look within and love what you find. 

Re-writing Your Story: No, we can’t change the past but we can change our relationship with it. There are always multiple angles from which to view any situation. Change the viewpoint and you change the story. 

Practicing Gratitude: One of the biggest keys to my joy in life is focusing on all that I have to be grateful for, even when it is less than ideal. 

Loving Ourselves: It can be done. Really.

and…

What to do when we get there:  This might just be where the real fun begins! 

We really don't need anyone's permission to love ourselves.

Part One of my Feast On Your Life Series: Look At Me! I’m Better Than A Crack Addict!

Last Saturday night, February 11, 2012, my Facebook status read:

“ Rest in peace Whitney Houston. Thank you for the music.”

I meant it.

Of course I knew that as the hours and days passed since her untimely death, the reports and stories of her tragic life would be all over the internet, news and television complete with all of the judgment we love to lay on those who make wrong choices in life.

I’ve even read that we should be focused on her mistakes and bad choices, not the gift that she gave the world with her incredible talent. The idea behind this is that if we don’t focus on the negative, we will not learn from her.

Learn what I have to ask? What exactly does paying attention to the dark side of Whitney Houston’s life have to teach us? Fame is difficult? Fortunately most of us will never have to worry about that. Don’t marry Bobby Brown? Even less of us have to worry about that. Crack cocaine is dangerous? Well, it sure is, but if we needed another dead celebrity to teach us about the dangers of drugs and alcohol addiction, we probably already have some serious problems of our own to contend with.

Here’s a lesson we can learn from Whitney Houston: Sometimes you don’t have time to claw your way out of a deep dark pit once you have fallen into it.

So where is the benefit to focusing on that dark side of someone most of us never met when there was so much light in that past? You may not have been inspired to walk around with the top button of your jeans undone like I did in the late 80’s, but that golden voice touched a lot of souls. And even if yours wasn’t one of them, beauty is after all in the eye or ear of the beholder; the world is a much better place because of everything that we individually find to be beautiful. Why not focus solely on that?

For the same reason that we heard much criticism of Steve Jobs when he passed away at far too young an age though due to circumstances clearly beyond his control. Because we are all part of a culture where it is common place to look down on others for well, any reason imaginable, but most of all for being less than perfect.

Take a look at your local grocery store check out magazine rack at any point in the last few decades? You won’t see a lot of happy headlines spouting happy news about wonderful people in our world. Some, for sure, but mostly you will see real and made up accounts designed to shame and belittle those we supposedly admire.

Even the Dalai Lama is not immune. An inspirational picture posted on my facebook wall with the words of the Dalai Lama inspired someone to comment: “Nevermind the fact that the Llama is a fraud.” without of course any evidence to back the accusation up. And we’re not much kinder to ourselves or each other in our day to day lives.

None of us is free from the constant criticism of others and we all know it. We all know it, and most of us engage in it. We never have to look far to find someone whom we don’t agree with and it is commonplace to criticize in order to make ourselves feel that we are superior to them.

Since we are constantly judging each other negatively all of the time, it makes absolute sense that we would worry about others judging us. And no matter what, there is someone out there who won’t think that we measure up, and we waste a lot of valuable energy worrying about it.

We look down on each other for the amount of money we earn. What neighborhood we live in. What we look like, weight, fashion sense, religion, race, age and every single petty thing, big or small that lies in between.

No wonder the majority of us don’t know how to love ourselves.

Yep, I said it and I mean it. A person who has true self-worth has no need to look down on anyone else so that they might feel superior. The truth of the matter is that it doesn’t feel good, and it certainly won’t make you feel better about yourself.

 “So you’re better than a crack-addict? Yay you!”

 Feel better now? I doubt it.

Even if it does make us feel better about ourselves for a minute or two, clearly it doesn’t last or we wouldn’t have to continue the behavior.

So why do we continue this destructive behavior?

First of all, we live in a culture that has programmed us to believe that there is an order to the worth of human beings. Where we fall in this order determines that worth, and by worth, I’m talking about the right to love, compassion, connection, joy, security…and all of the other things that every single human being on the planet needs and wants.

Generally speaking it is mostly based on money, but also based on all things tied to money and really stupid things such as taste in music or fashion. And there is not much thought given to whether or not those things are within our control never-less whether or not they matter.

Things like looks, intelligence, social background, profession, race, religion, weight and other things we have little or no control over… the list goes on and on.

From the day we enter school, if not earlier, we are introduced to a social pecking order that is completely made up in the minds of human beings who have never bothered to ask how one person could be less worthy of what we truly need than any other. And we base much of our decision making in these matters on things that are not within our control.

On top of that, we assign an inordinate amount of responsibility for control over the things that we have some chance of mastering.

 “If I was a crack-addict I’d just get over it!”

 Really?

So whether we come to it out of belief that we’re low on the worth scale, or whether we come to it out of fear that we are low on the worth scale, and everything in between, it is pretty common to go through our lives either striving to rise, or giving up entirely and again, everything in between, and then we cut down others as extra insurance because we never quite get there…

Being critical and judgmental of others does the opposite of what we are looking for. We are reaffirming our own fears or beliefs that some people have less value, than others every time we do it, therefore proving our own space in the pecking order.

The pecking order is nothing more than a mental construct and it is a devastating one at that.

What if, you found a way to feel good about yourself, most if not all of the time, from where you are, regardless of you bank balance, how clean your house is, whether or not you hair is frizzy, your career is successful, you live your dream life or maintain your ideal weight?

What if you knew how to accept the reality that there isn’t a perfect person on the entire planet (except for maybe The Dalai Llama) and where you are is not a reflection of your value as a human being but a part of your journey? What if you knew how to love yourself completely and unconditionally, as you are, where you are? And what if you didn’t believe you were worthy of love, compassion, connection joy and abundance, but instead, you knew you were worthy?

Would you need to look down on anyone else?

For me, learning to accept myself as I am, where I am, started with the effort to grow in compassion for others, and use judgment as a means to make decisions about what will keep me safe and healthy as opposed to judging the value of others. When I began to make a conscious effort to view others from a place of understanding and forgiveness, I began for the first time in my life to forgive myself for all of my failings, real and imagined. I hear that this is kind of backwards: Which proves that there is never only one right way to do anything.

In the late 90′s, after the fashion influence of Whitney Houston. I starved myself down to 92 lbs because I didn’t believe I deserved food, and hid myself as much as possible for years. Now, I love me.

I’m not a psychologist, or a guru and I cannot/ will not promise to solve anyone’s problems; but I have learned a lot from my own journey, I want to share. Everywhere I turn lately, it is so obvious that people are struggling.

I believe that we have the collective potential to solve any problem that we face by letting go of judging the worth of ourselves and others, opening up respectful dialogue and sharing with all of the love and compassion we can muster.

I actually believe that we can change the world, but doing to do that, we would have to commit to believing in ourselves and each other.

I am dedicating the rest of this month to writing about what I have learned along my journey to self-worth and I would love to bring anyone who wants to join along for the ride. I would love for everyone to be able to “Feast On Your Life”.

You can join me by subscribing to Arriving At Your Own Door by EMAIL or RSS and/or clicking the LIKE button on the Arriving At Your Own Door Facebook Page. I will be on Facebook tonight, (Thursday February 16, 2012)  between 7:00 and 9:00 PM CST and on Saturday (February 18, 2012 between 12:00PM and 3:00 PM CST.) Please drop by and we can discuss ways to grow in love for ourselves and others. I’d love to meet you!

It doesn't require any effort to be critical of others or to sling insults. Kindness and compassion however do require effort. I guess that's why many so rarely choose it even though it may be the only path to happiness.

As I have mentioned more than a few times on this blog. I move fast. I walk fast, I talk fast, and I like things to be done quickly because it is difficult for me to slow down.

If you are walking in front of me say on a sidewalk or in a mall, chances are you walk slower than I do and the fact that you are slowing me down will make me want to smack you in the back of the head. Don’t worry, I have impulse control and I won’t do it. You won’t even know that you are annoying me.

Instead of smacking you in the back of the head, I will be having an internal conversation with myself that goes something like this. “Jenny. You can’t expect the rest of the world to move at your speed! They never will. So relax already!”

I have probably had this conversation a million times. Not because I’m afraid that I will suddenly turn into a violent person but because I hate being irritated, so I have to change me. I cannot control anyone else, and that is a good thing. The last thing this world needs is 7 billion hyperactive people running around at top speed forgetting what the hell they are doing.

I am also bossy and more than a bit of a know-it-all but I promise, I am working very hard to curb this tendency in myself or at least restrict it to my blog. I care passionately about most things if I care about them at all, and quite frankly, I want the whole world to be different. I want a better world where we do not face the threat of extinction due to climate change. I want there to be no war. I want to see an end to poverty. I want to see the entire world working together to make it safe, and happy and healthy for all, and I actually believe that it is possible. But I cannot fix everything and I might not be able to fix much. The first thing I can do, is try, to the best of my ability not to contribute to the problems but to focus on solutions.

A few years ago, I began making a conscious effort to be more compassionate toward those around me. I wanted to learn to become more forgiving, and less judgemental towards all of the people I encounter every day as I go about my life whether it is the woman who serves my coffee on my way to work, the customer in front of me who slows down the cashier, or the homeless person who asks me for change. I try to remain aware so that I don’t forget that the human being am interacting with is in fact a human being. We all deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. We all need it. If everyone committed to giving this to each other all of the time, we would have a very different world indeed.

I will admit that automatically responding to each and every person consistently all of the time is an incredibly tall order and I am far from successful. I admit, that I question whether it is completely possible to behave with love towards everyone all of the time, but of course it can’t be if I don’t try.

Our brains have been hard-wired for the ideas, beliefs and thought patterns that make us who we are, and determine how we perceive the world around us. Ridding myself of critical and judgemental thoughts and replacing them with new ones takes serious time and effort.

What I have learned so far is that the benefits begin to show almost immediately and continue to increase all of the time.

What we do and how we behave will always be determined by what we think, so what we think has profound and far-reaching effects not just on our lives and the lives of those who are closest to us, but on the entire world.

My goal each day is to catch myself judging others. I try to find forgiveness for those who might be doing things that I don’t believe in or respect. I try not to think about smacking people in the back of the head for walking too slow.

In short, I am trying to grow in love for my fellow-man even when he pisses me off.

I might not always want to give change to every person who asks me and I couldn’t afford to if I did, but looking someone in the eye, giving them a big smile and saying “I’m sorry I can’t but I wish you luck,” doesn’t cost anything and it doesn’t take any time. Trying to make the cashier at the grocery store laugh just for the fun of it isn’t always successful but it sure is worth the effort. The same big smile aimed at the person who bumps into me because they weren’t paying attention makes both of us feel better and again, free. What would happen if we all went out of our way to brighten the days of those we encounter?

I do not try to be kind so that I will get something in return. The return is that it feels damn good.

Warning: Side effects may include…

It turns out that love and compassion have magical properties. The more you give, the more they grow, leaving you with even more to give away. I suspect that this process might go on to infinity. I know that we can never run out, and that isn’t even the best part.

The best part is that I discovered that the more I grow in love and compassion for others, the more I have for myself. I have finally learned to forgive myself and with forgiveness comes the realization that I am no better than anyone. And that means that I am no worse.

It means that I no longer need to beat myself up for mistakes that I make. It means that my best is good enough, and I am doing my best. This is how I learned to love myself and there is nothing better than that.

Still there’s more. These things are contagious. Ideas, behaviours and actions can spread throughout a population which is why I try not to worry too much about what others are doing. I’m busy trying to spread a virus.

My hope is that more and more of us will begin to realize that we all have so much to give. If ever-increasing love and compassion and self-esteem are the side-effects of cultivating compassion who wouldn’t want to give it a try?

 Top Five Regrets of The Dying

The top 5 regrets were not entirely all that surprising, but enlightening non-the-less.

The list was compiled by Australian Palliative Care Nurse Bronnie Ware who turned it into a blog called Inspiration and Chai, and then a full length book by the same title.

Since I began writing Arriving At Your Own Door in 2010, I find myself thinking about this a lot. I find myself making choices and following my passions by asking the question: “What would I want said at my own funeral?”  Morbid? I don’t think so.

I worry a lot about the state that this world is in. Primarily about the frightening effects of what we are doing to this precious earth and all of those who live on it. Those who are here now, and those who will inherit the problems we create.

I get looked at by some as though I have chosen to grow a second head, for consciously managing my carbon footprint, caring about those who earn slave wages to manufacture the goods I consume and believing that the poor are not just lazy people who do not want to succeed. To many, these are problems that I can’t solve, so why do I care?

I care, because at the end of my days, whenever that may be, I want to leave this world knowing that I did not throw in the towel without trying to make a difference. If I fail, I will know that I have tried, and tried, and tried again, even if all I ever do is live my best and write this blog…

I struggle in my day to day life, just to earn enough to provide myself with some modest security for now and the future, and probably due to my ADHD, I often feel overwhelmed. So why do I worry so much about the rest of the world?

I worry about the world because I am a part of this great massive whole, and the problems I face are part of much larger problems that have negative effects on all of us. If I won the lottery tomorrow I will still be surrounded by increasing poverty caused by falling wages and a class system that is terribly reminiscent of long ago periods of history which we should have outgrown by now. No amount of personal income, love or happiness will diminish the reality of our devastated planet, war, hatred, greed…

It doesn’t depress me to learn about what is really happening in the world as much as it would to throw up my hands and declare defeat without even knowing the truth.

They say that knowledge is no longer power in the way that it once was because knowledge is so readily available. But knowledge is power because it is the first necessary step to creating change. Situations are only hopeless when the masses bury their heads in the sand and pretend that nothing is wrong in the first place. At the least, I can choose to be a part of the solution by recognizing that solutions are required.

I am someone who had to spend years and years searching high and low for my self-esteem and I discovered that it exists within myself and my love for what is around me. I refuse to die in regret, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, were not as surprising to me, as was the realization that (according to Bronnie Ware) most find clarity before death and recognize what really is important in life. I hope that we can become faster learners so that we can figure such things out before we get to our last days. Here are the top 5 regrets:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This might be the most difficult thing to do, but it is heartwarming to see a trend of so many facing their own truth and learning to get past the programming of our pasts to find our true authentic selves. As I have said before, this is I believe the only option if we want to obtain true and lasting happiness.

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

This would be one regret that I have, though I would change it to I wish I hadn’t had to work so hard. When I think back on the damage to my own health from too many long hours spent working and not taking care of me, I can see the destructiveness of overwork and how it impacts the entire world. For those who unlike me do not need to work extra hard just to survive, I would say. Slow down. Funerals are not a reading of your assets and liabilities and you don’t get to take anything with you. Enjoy those you love and what you love because they are all that will matter in the end.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Here Bronnie Ware mentions how many have developed illnesses throughout their lives as a result of not expressing their feelings. I truly believe that we always have to consider our responsibility for the impact our actions have, but that doesn’t mean we have to lie and pretend. We can be honest and compassionate at the same time. In fact, I believe that honesty is compassionate. Those who love us deserve our best selves, and our best will always be what is most real.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

The busyness of today’s world is really too much. I too have let go of valuable friendships because I just haven’t had the time or energy to maintain them. This I vow to stop.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

The fact that so many of the dying come to the realization that happiness is a choice was a revelation to me. If only we could figure that out sooner: What a world we would have.

It seems to me that among the most important things in life is focusing on our capacity to learn, to grow, and to love and share with each other. It doesn’t really matter where we are in our lives, if we are alive, we can choose to move forward. I believe that every human soul has perpetual capacity for growth and we can commit to trying at any time in life.

We cannot go backwards in time and undo past mistakes, but what we can do is choose not to wallow in regret. Every moment spent in regret is a moment spent not moving forward towards greater joy.

~Jenny Ann Fraser

These days, I spend too much of my time in a world where money is the be all and end all of everything including decisions made about how to treat others and the measure of other people’s worth. It is heart-breaking, and watching the circus from outside the ring, mind blowingly destructive.

We live in a culture where money is the priority and for many, the human and environmental costs of obtaining money are simply not on the radar. If they are, they are considered necessary casualties to people who do not have the foresight to understand the consequences of their own actions. Sadly, these are more often than not, the people who have the power to make the decisions that most affect our lives.

We humans have failed miserably at becoming civilized if we cannot think of ways to achieve without sacrificing others, and our only planet, because when we do, we sacrifice ourselves.

In my environment, I am the odd duck, the lost soul, the dreamer who won’t grow up.

Fortunately, I am old enough and secure enough that I see pandemonium around me which I want no part of. My values remain firmly rooted. These people have nothing I want and I wish for their sakes that they could find more of what I have.

These are the type of people who have security, (as much as anyone can) but don’t know it. They have blessings that they do not know how to count. Love, I suspect is overwhelmed with fear of not being on top, losing, or being seen as inferior.

I am so very grateful to be me.

I am continually growing into myself as an integral part of this awesome Universe by way of what I have to learn and what I have to give as a result of that learning. My heart tells me this is the correct path so I will stay on it and ignore the ideas of those who would look down upon me. Though this is not something the younger me would have been capable of, now it is easy. I do not need permission from anyone to live my own truth and I will not give up my hard-won self-worth to please anyone.

Divine Truth by Jo Crawford of http://www.jocreates.org/

So far, 2012 has been a wonderful blessing of art, writing, reading and most of all, The Sisterhood of the Book.

I wrote early in January about taking part in the year long Book of Days art journaling project with the wonderful Effy Wild. Due to Facebook failure, the group moved over to a new page titled The Sisterhood of the Book. This is where hundreds of us congregate to connect, love and support each other in creation, even though most of us have never met. We were not created for the purpose of saving the world from, well, anything. But we grow together and I hope over time will find healing and when one person grows, and heals, the world becomes a healthier place.

It is like a 24/7 girls night out where we are always safe to share our art, our hopes and goals as well as our struggles and our fears. The support is amazing filled with opportunities to give and to receive. The art that we share is not shared in a way that is competitive, but communal. All things are equal just because they exist, and the inspiration and beauty is to my mind, a perfect example of what life is supposed to be:

Follow Your Heart by: Gennie Hershfield Hreha (click photo for link)

We are after all, here to love each other.

It may be anathema to many. How can we possibly love everyone?

We love everyone by offering dignity and respect to others for the simple reason that they are human souls who require all of the love, connection and support that we need and crave for ourselves. We love others by not hurting them to get what we want.
I am not by any stretch of the imagination suggesting that we support others dangerous or hateful actions or ideas. This is where we love by standing up and speaking out against that which is destructive. But most people are neither dangerous, nor hateful and will always benefit from our freely offered kindness and compassion. Even if it only comes in the form of a smile or a quick kind word. Giving, in and of itself is a gift. It is the ultimate way to receive. Sharing our ups and downs, and the lessons we learn along the way, with true compassion would be the best way for us all to move forward in ways that allow everyone the best opportunity for growth. Our current way of life is likely our best opportunity for complete destruction. After all, you can’t eat money, and it is virtually useless in the face of nature gone wild.

At this point in time, what we need most of all, is to grow towards creating a world that works. Our current collective worldview is pulling us farther and farther away from that ideal. The Sisterhood of the Book is a perfect example of what can happen when we stretch ourselves and share with each other.

So, what is the sisterhood doing and how does it apply in the real world?

Well, first of all, we inspire each other to stretch in ways that we might not have known we could. This would be a great first step for everyone, whether we stretch towards being more courageous creators, or more courageous parents, teachers,business owners… For example, the kind of business owner that says he or she will not earn profits at the expense of people or the planet.

Our support of each other is teaching more than a few, I would guess, that there are safe spaces that exist where our true selves can shine and be loved for who they are. Imagine what the world would be like if we created schools dedicated to that? What if we all found the safety that automatically creates opportunities to allow us to shine? Imagine the problems we could solve if we were all able to bring our best selves to the table of life with the goal of working together to solve problems?

It may seem obvious to anyone reading this that I am just a naïve dreamer who isn’t capable of understanding the complexities of the problems we face today. I wish it were true.

I wish that I didn’t understand the realities of Climate Change, chemical pollution, dwindling resources or our failed economic system where people who work and contribute can’t earn enough to live safely. I wish I wasn’t afraid for everyone’s future because worrying about my own current reality is challenge enough. Most of all, I wish I was wrong about everything that I see and what I think about those things that gives me cause to worry.

But wishing doesn’t accomplish anything and so instead I commit myself to doing the best that I can to work towards change for the better, even if changing myself is the only thing I will ever accomplish.

I will write, and create and speak up whenever necessary. I will stand strong in my belief that we can fix things, even though it is so clear that we are running out of time. Love yourself, Love others, love the earth as I say in my About page. Add to that community, connection and the desire to create instead of destroy. Then I believe we will have the keys to the saving grace of the world if there is a saving grace. These types of connections are happening everywhere as we have so many greater avenues to connect than ever before. If we used these to put our heads together the way the Sisterhood and so many others are doing, I’ll bet we could solve any problem that we have.

One Sweet World

Special thanks to Jo Crawford and Gennie Hersfield Hreha for generously allowing me to use their beautiful art for this post. (Please click on photos to find their sites). And thanks to all of my new sisters who offered up their creations. 

When the word Authenticity chose to be my word for 2012, I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. (And yes, I did intentionally write that the word chose me because this is what happened.)

Im not sure what I expected. My plan had been to focus on learning how to be more authentic, but I hadn’t realized that this was actually a somewhat complex puzzle that needed to be solved. This is good news by the way because this is exactly my favourite kind of puzzle. I especially like the part where I get all confused and muddled so I obsess until I figure it out. I havent reached the completely confused stage yet, but I am only 3 weeks in and I can already feel it coming.

What I love, is that people are asking me questions that are forcing me to look at it from new perspectives and Im realizing that the more I delve into it, the more there will be to delve into. It is kind of like finding treasure. Enough of it in fact that it could take much longer than a year to sort out exactly what I have won, and Im fine with that.

As I wrote in my last post, I have found that being authentic in my writing has proven to be the way to go. Allowing my true self to come out through my words has been met with love and support for which I am forever grateful.

I suppose that some less trusting individuals might assume that I have simply been lucky (lets face it, I am no Leo Babuta when it comes to subscription numbers) but I am pretty sure this is not the case. I am beginning to realize that most of us crave and respect true authenticity in others, even if were afraid to be authentic ourselves.

Of course this is not always the case, and there is often someone around who will not appreciate your particlar authenticity. But if youre hiding your true self, you can always find someone who will not appreciate who your pretending to be. See, we can pretty much be rejected by someone regardless of whether were real or not. Being real not only requires less energy, but it has got to be the only chance well ever have of being truly happy.

I spent much of my earlier life attempting to fit into the proverbial box because I was convinced that this was the only way that I would ever be worthy, or loveable. This erroneous thinking was extra torture because I can’t even find the box let alone fit into it. And now, I finally understand that the reason I could not find the box is not because Im some sort of deficient sub-human… It is because Im not supposed to.

I think that a big reason for my lack of self-worth in my youth comes from being talented at many things and somehow baffled by ordinary day to day life management. This is not due to lack of intelligence, motivation, or skills. This is because my whacky ADHD brain more often than not refuses to cooperate and allow me to concentrate on things that I have little or no interest in regardless of how important those things are. When I do not have enough stimulation, my brain becomes a slow, thick foggy place where basic things like remembering the order of the alphabet become a challenge. This brain also has grave difficulty organizing anything, from thoughts to socks, and I have pretty much zero interest in spending my free time engaging in tasks that feel like mental torture. I have my job for that.
(*Note: If you are reading this and thinking that all I need is to grow up and grow some discipline… remember, it wouldnt be classified as a disorder if I could simply turn it off by trying. )

It makes me laugh a little that one of the most constant criticisms I have heard from others all of my life, (including just last week) is that I have too many interests and I should just focus on, fill in the blank with something boring enough to make even an ordinary person want to dig their eyeballs out with a spoon.

It turns out, that it is a damn good thing that I have so many interests, because without them, my brain would go on permanent strike. I would lose my ability to maintain a job, and consequently lose my home. I would then have to leave the city and go be homeless in the woods somewhere and Id probably end up getting eaten alive by a bear or a pack of coyotes because Im not paying attention.

I am probably only still here because I have so many interests, helped by the fact that my neighborhood is predator free.

Thank God I finally understand this, and thank God I have finally stopped trying to hide from the world because of it. It makes such sense to me now that my best shot at any success or lasting happiness in this life does not lie in pretending to be anything other than who I am. Especially since I can hardly pretend to be a normal organized, domesticated human being when Im actually kind of feral.

I read a fantastic book this week, which Im not going to write about because it is currently blowing my mind. Being your authentic self is recurring topic in the book. In a list of people who have attained great success through being their unique, authentic selves as opposed to copies of what we think were supposed to be, the name Allie Brosh came up.

Drawing of Allie Brosh by Allie Brosh

If you have never encountered Allie Brosh’s blog  Hyperbole and a Half  you should. Unless of course, you dont enjoy laughing or tend to faint at the sight of the occasional appropriately placed F-bomb.

What I love about Allie’s Hyperbole and a Half, is that no matter what my mood, I can wander over to Allie’s blog and read posts guaranteed to make me laugh out loud.

My all time favourite post is This Is Why Ill Never Be an Adult. which paints an awesomely accurate and hilarious picture complete with drawings and diagrams, of… My Life!

But shes writing about hers… (Oddly enough, we both have ADHD.) Allie Brosh has definitely made it to my list of heros.

Here is someone writing hilarious accounts of daily struggles that I spent much of my life trying to hide out of shame. Now Allie Brosh has what I assume is a pretty darned lucrative contract with Touchstone for sharing exactly what I hid for so long, and being completely honest about it. Ally Brosh is a perfect example of why we should all be less afraid to be real.

Being herself, right down to writing stories about her serious struggles with depression has not only led her to be able to make a living doing what she is brilliant at, it has also proven that it is not so unusual for people to struggle with these things. Knowing that Im not alone or unique in my struggles sure makes it easier to accept myself the way that I am and I imagine that it helps others too.

Add to that, the reality that she is struggling proves that we shouldn’t wait until we are perfect before we show ourselves to the world. We probably shouldn’t even wait until were less flawed, because, it turns out that living authentically is a gift to both ourselve, and the world.

Which leads to the question: What are we denying ourselves and the world when we are not truly ourselves? How in the hell do we figure out who our authentic self really is, and how do stay true to that?

Part Two of Authenticity Is a Gift: Who Knew? When I figure out the answer to the how questions. (Please be patient. This could take some time.:p)

She explains the difference between shame, “I am bad” and guilt, “I did something bad.” Shame, is a soul and opportunity sucking emotion. Guilt; a stepping-stone towards greater growth.
I have written many times here about how my early adulthood was an experience of profound anxiety, depression and self-esteem so low, it could hardly be measured.
Even though, by my mid-thirties, I had grown to become much, much healthier, I felt that being honest about my past experiences would mark me as someone who is weak and defective so I kept silent. Until I began writing.
When I started writing this blog, I learned quickly that being open about my experiences was not only met with love and support from those who read my words, (mostly complete strangers I might add) but they also served to inspire others who might be struggling. I had made it to the other, brighter side. How sad that I might have hidden all that I have learned out of shame.
What’s more, I discovered that if I were to attempt to hide my true self when writing, there wasn’t much to write about. I was using the key of vulnerability to unlock my own hidden potential without being aware of it, and it was being met compassion and admiration. The very opposite of what we all fear.
“Shame, never serves as a motivator.” And yet we are part of a culture where shaming others and ourselves, is practically a pastime. Knowing as I now know, how shame negatively impacts our potential to contribute to the world, I have given it up. I will not throw shame at myself, nor anyone else.
I will also allow my own vulnerability to see the light of day. My vulnerability exists and it will always exist. Keeping it hidden will steal opportunity. When frightened, (and it is always frightening to step out of your comfort zone,) I will remember that while there will always be those who will use such openness against you, there are more who will embrace it. And that is where real joy, peace, love and happiness exist. I cannot protect myself from being vulnerable without blocking out the best life has to offer.
I chose one word to focus on for 2012, and that word is Authenticity. I cannot give the best of myself unless I am fully willing to be myself. I am not perfect and I never will be so  perfection is not what I am striving for. Life becomes much more peaceful when I accept this truth.
Living authentically means to live mindfully of what thoughts and ideas serve me and the world that I am a part of. It means that I consciously choose in each moment whether I want to live the peace of compassion and understanding, or whether I want to fill myself with disturbing thoughts of derision and scorn. Obviously, given the choice I’ll go for what feels better and since what feels better in this case, also serves the world, it is the only sensible option.
As this year progresses, I have no doubt that having committed to conscious authentic living will bring new lessons resulting in greater awareness. Here, I embrace the infinite possibility of the unknown. I place my trust not only in a benevolent Universe, but also in my own proven ability to survive and grow.
I accept the reality that bad things do happen and so I cannot create anything remotely close to guarantees. I can only gather and trust in my courage to forge ahead, and the strength that I have to get up when I fall.