In the past two years that I have lived here in Seattle, I have made a lot of changes in my life that I had always wanted to. Things that always felt like it would take forever to change have happened in what seems like overnight. While other things are taking what feels like forever to change. But in all the changes, one thing is still the same. I am still the same me that I have always been.

I finally realized that the majority of me was locked away in a dark corner of my mind, away from the line of sight. After finally having the chance to release me from the dark of my own mind. Life is really a lot more fun and enjoyable. Having the chance to say what you feel, doing what you feel and just being yourself for a change. It all makes it so worth the wait.

At the same time though, it is very hard to put all the past in that dark corner. Most times it is like a wound that will not heal. So much time treating the wounds and covering them with a band aid only to come off at the wrong time and bleed all over everything. No amount of focusing on the future cannot silence the noise of the past.

Even though I cannot silence the past in my head, I have found another way to live with it. I have finally started talking about every single thing that I had always wanted to talk to someone about and get it off my chest and out of my mind. As I have been sharing this with my family, it has made it so much easier to go on with my life. So as everyone keeps telling me, just keep sharing it all and keep focusing on the future and all will hopefully be well.

That is how I am living my life now and from this point on. My life is not perfect but it sure does feel a lot better. No matter what happens in my life, since I am now being myself, life is perfect. Everyday leads to a better day and I know I have so many better days to come.

I apologize for not posting anything for so long, my reasons are my own but yes I apologize. 

Things have been moving in a great direction for me personally, slowly but surely. I have been in contact with Department of Vocational Rehabilitation to try and help me work through a few of my problems and get me into a job I can handle. This is a big step toward my dreams and a big check mark on my list of goals. This is something I have always wanted to do but couldn't do for so many reasons. 

There are a few more areas of my anxiety and depression that I am also working very hard on improving. I sit here and can't help but think of things that had happened in the past and that I should forget but can't seem to. Plus wanting a relationship, not really sex, so bad that it depresses me. I still have a few issues with my self-esteem and my self image because I still feel worthless, useless and all around a failure. I also feel that I am still ugly and that no one would want someone as ugly as me. I am getting better with that but its not going very fast. 

Everyone tells me that I look fine and everything but I still see all the flaws. I try to look past them but sometimes when I am depressed, it still happens. I am on the maximum dosage of my anti-depressant so I hope it will help me some. My cholesterol was really high when I was at my doctors last time, so I need to work on my weight and my cholesterol. I have gained so much weight in such a short time and it now depresses me too. 

Enough about depression, it can be depressing lol

On the fun side of things, my social anxiety is getting a lot better. I can be in a somewhat crowded (like 10 people or less) place and not have a panic attack or break down in fear. So that is a really big check mark on my goals and I just need to keep going forward on that. 

I think that is all for now but I am sure I will think of more later and will write another post.

This is just a quick update to mention that I have finally collected a bit more information on my personality research that I have been doing for fun and decided it was time for me to at least paste a little bit of the info on my personality page for now. Once I finish writing my own information, in my own words, I will post my version.

I also wanted to mention that my blogroll section is still being worked on and will take a while to finish. I will be linking to a lot more blogs.

Sometimes it is just the simplest of things that can brighten up your day and ultimately your life.

Friday was a day like that for me.

It was just a day of us running errands and riding around laughing and having fun. We stopped in at several places, picked up a few things and moved on to the next thing that piqued our interest. We had stopped at Pizza Hut buffet to grab the buffet lunch and just the simple thing of going to the restroom and no one saying a word about it that made me happy. Then later on we had stopped by Fred Meyer to pick up a couple things for my car like those little blind spot mirrors and stuff. Yet again, I had to use the restroom so off I went, there was a line and I was thinking “OMG, this is going to suck.” But nothing happened and no one said a word or had an issue so I was so happy.

It is moments like that and the majority of the moments in my life now that I just feel like it is all moving in the right direction and it is not really a constant thought on my mind. It seems like now I am just living my life and not worrying about the whole transition thing. Everything just feels so right and normal, which it should. This is what living my life should have been a long time ago, everything feeling right. Can’t go back, thank goodness for now, and hope for this feeling the rest of my life.

Now that transition isn’t the main thing on my mind and not a constant thought, I have decided to start thinking and planning for my future. I am trying to find a job that can work with my current disabilities so I can stop being dependent on my family for support. I want to be able to say that I can support myself at least in some fashion.

I now have a vehicle of my own that I actually own and don’t owe anyone anything for it. It’s a 1996 Geo Prism 4 door small car but at least I own it and it’s paid for. So this is but one step in the direction I want to go. The next piece of my puzzle is the job. I plan on getting in touch with Department of Vocational Rehabilitation to see if they can help me find a job.

Once I can get a good job and start supporting myself in some part on my own, I will start working from there on living my life and stop looking back and thinking of how much of a failure I am/have been. I have to get over this feeling sorry for myself and start living life.

I feel like I am a teenager just starting out their life which is pretty much true seeing as how I have never done anything at all except take care of my grandparents my entire life. Sheltered and protected from life so I was never allowed to live it. But now I am away from them and free to do what I want, when I want.

My life really starts now.

I meant to write about this a couple of days after it happened but I hadn’t felt like doing much. I spent Mother’s Day in the I.C.U. at Swedish Hospital due to my potassium levels shooting up sky-high. Everyone was so nice and caring, with no issues at all. So it seems like my doctor made a huge mistake when prescribing me an antibiotic for my toe (long story) that had the side effect of raising my potassium levels. So the combination of the antibiotic and my Propranolol & Spironolactone (which both increase potassium levels too) my potassium levels were sky-high. They kept giving me this stuff to drink that would get the potassium out of my blood but didn’t take a very long time.

After spending the night in the I.C.U. just so they could make sure my kidneys or heart didn’t stop, they let me go the next day. My dad and step-mom stopped by right when they were telling me that I was going to be released. I was also in for a big surprise, my brother and his wife decided to stop by and check on me too. This really shocked me as I didn’t think he would do that. I thought he hated me or whatever, but never thought he would show up. But he did and I was really happy and surprised. It has been almost a week since this happened and I am still really weak and tired but doing much better.

I know I have been rather silent for a while and I apologize for that. Blame it on the combination of no depression medications for over a month and the fact that I just really haven’t felt like caring about anything lately. My weight and my mood has all taken a turn for the worst and doesn’t seem to be getting better anytime soon. In the past year and a half since I have lived here in Seattle, I have gained 62 pounds and it is climbing fast. The combination of hormones and the fact I quit smoking when I came here seems to be the most likely cause of the weight gain. Stress could also play a big part in it, but I can’t really say why and what.

One stressing fact is that my grandmother talks to me almost every day and she just has to make some rude comment about what I am doing. Like when I let it slip that I had pierced my nose, she said “Well now you really are a freak.” And just recently I was talking to her about my weight issue and the first thing she said was “Wow, if you was going to get that big you should have just stayed a guy.” She has said a lot more to me along the same lines but I just go on, ignoring the pain that others in my life love to cause. A time when I could really use them and they all turn their backs on me. Gotta love family…

I seriously need to get out and make friends so I can have people to hang out with and stop staying in this house 24/7 just like I did back in West Virginia. I feel like even though I am making progress, I am also back in the same rut I was in before. I stay inside with my dad and step-mom and never venture out unless it is to run errands. That was the exact same thing i did back in West Virginia with my grandparents. I would only go out if I had to and then I would just get the stuff done and get back home. I would love to change that but I can’t seem to do it.

Like I said at the beginning of this post, I feel like nothing matters anymore again and that I just don’t care anymore.

Last night started out just like it usually does, we go to pick up my step-mom from work at about 1:30am and we take our van down there to do it. We know the van isn’t going to keep running for much longer and we was praying it would make it to her work and back home again all safe and sound. But as our luck would have it, it died right in the middle of the road on 1st Ave S at around 2:15am. Dad thought that maybe we was just out of gas, as the gas gauge doesn’t work. So me and my step-mom walk about 8 blocks to get some gas and hope that is all it was.

My step-mom has a hard time walking so she stops off at her work to see if someone could give us a ride back to the van while I was walking on to the gas station. After getting the gas and getting a ride back to the van, dad fills the tank. Now it was about 3:00am and we cross our fingers and pray it starts so we can get home out of the cold. It starts but doesn’t run very well at all, then it dies again right at the ramp to the Viaduct on 1st Ave S. There is no hope, it is officially dead.

We sat there in the van trying to think of what we could do or who we could call. We called my dad’s “brother (long story)” to see if he could help us any, but he was really tied up at work. He manages to call back about 3:45am and tells us he is going to send a tow truck for us and that they should be there soon. Around 4:30am, the tow truck arrives and we are finally going to get out of the cold. (YAY) The van on the tow truck and me and my step-mom in the tow truck with the guy driving it and dad with his “brother” all nice and warm. The van is now going to be parked for good as it is not going to be fixed anytime soon.

So we are now back to riding the bus everywhere and might be selling the van for “best offer” to make a little extra money. But in it’s current state, I don’t think it would sell for much but one can hope.

What the hell is wrong with people. They laugh in your face and make fun of you the whole time they are wanting you to “help them” with graphics work. You do the work and then they keep asking for even more “free work” like you owe it to them. Then when they find out your are in a bad situation and may be having living arrangement issues, they start making even more fun of your issues and your health like it isn’t a reason enough. Like my health is just all made up and it’s not real and that I am letting my family down for not having a “real job.” You tell them literally 20 times (no joke) that you have searched and checked everything you can possibly check and then they still don’t think I have. Tells me that oh that’s not to expensive when it’s almost twice what we have to spend on rent anywhere. Like they are so much better people then us “low-life’s”.

I am so sick of people sometime.

It’s official, I received my new social security card on Monday. I took today and changed over my bank account and decided to get my reduced fare bus pass (Orca) so I could have a cheaper way of getting around. Also I wanted to get the bus pass so I can work on maybe going out on my own to a few local places. Hope for the best and hope I can do it. I am so happy to have everything coming together finally, no one has a clue how happy I am now. I know this is a short post but I am tired and it has been a busy day.