YouTube - BARACKY II.

I love these videos.

I understand that Forbes is speaking from a business perspective, but I still think it’s a load of garbage. There are plenty of coaches who make comparable salaries and have the same amount of pull (his successor at LSU, for one) as he does who actually deliver results. Respect gives you power. Six-and-six seasons that culminate in a trip to the Independence Bowl don’t earn you respect.

Saban is at Alabama for two reasons: first because he couldn’t pull the Miami Dolphins out of the tuna net, and second because Alabama fans are suckers. Not because he’s some god of coaching.

They’re waiting for the Second Coming of Bear Bryant. In fact, I would go as far as to say that the late coach’s ghost is more powerful than Saban, at least in Tuscaloosa. After an underachieving season in which his players broke more laws than tackles, I don’t think “the people” are kissing his feet just yet. And for the money he makes, I doubt old Slick Nick is getting much extra slack for the “Shula’s players” argument. Especially after going 8-4 in his first year at LSU with Gerry Dinardo’s players.

And I know I won’t be saying this in a few weeks, but college football is not the only sport in the world. Where does Nick Saban stack up against  Phil Jackson? Joe Torre? Bill Belichick? Mike Krzyzewski? Coach K coaches one of the most storied college basketball programs in the country as well as the US Olympic team. Something tells me he just may be a little more powerful than the 4th-best coach in the SEC.

UPDATE: Pete Carroll of USC makes almost a half-million more than Nick Saban does.

• Alf
• The Facts of Life
• The Incredible Hulk
• The A-Team
• WKRP in Cincinatti

Besides the fact that they come from an era in which television was truly entertaining and sitcoms were actually funny, I discovered yesterday that Hulu.com offers full episodes of all these shows… and a ton more. I’ve been a fan of the site since I learned that I could watch episodes of The Office and my favorite show, 30 Rock, the day after they aired. But this… this opens new doors for me.

Yesterday was a particularly slow day at the office so I used the downtime to watch a few episodes of one of my favorite old sitcoms, Benson (It must have left quite a mark on me because it went off the air when I was 3. Either that or I watched it in syndication).

I had barely passed the opening credits of the pilot episode when I thought “Wow, this show is kind of racist.” Watch for yourself:

To be fair, that opening was only used on the pilot. I’m sure some focus group watched it and said, “The frisking, the sprinklers, the dogs…That’s a little much.” Regardless though, so many of the stereotypes in the show, and the jokes borne of them, would NOT fly today. On cable, maybe, but not on ABC at 7 p.m.

It got me thinking about two things. I’ll cop to making off-color jokes sometimes. But I have heard older people make comments about people of different races, ethnicities or lifestyles that have been inappropriate enough to make me cringe. But considering that in my lifetime, it was once totally ok to lampoon racial, ethnic and gender stereotypes on network TV, maybe I should be a little more understanding. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, they say.

But then, I wonder what happened between then and now. What changed? Are people more sensitive? Do Americans (at least some of them) finally understand that stretching your eyelids and swapping your R’s and L’s is disrespectful to Asian people? Or that calling a black man boy is tasteless? Or that professional women don’t like being told to “iron my shirt“? Or is political correctness just this manufactured facade designed to safeguard against criticism and bad press, and nobody’s really learned their lesson at all?

I just don’t know. But an old show about a hapless governor and his witty butler has got my wheels turning.

It’s kind of a shame. I mean, I can’t imagine firing up the grill on a Sunday afternoon and having some friends over to watch water polo. But I have to admit, water polo looks pretty cool.

After the article, instead of thinking “Man, this lady is so right! I hate it when people mispronounce those words!” I was ready to leave a comment recommending the author find a hobby or at least a bottle of wine and relax.

My trip to this website wasn’t for naught, though, as its sidebar was adorned with this precious gem.

I’ve had to design a lot of ads at my job, and often with short notice. And often with copy as crappy as above. But this may be the stupidest, most poorly-executed ad I’ve ever seen.

Design criticisms (like what is up with that shadow?) aside, I’m confused. Am I missing something? If girls can design “bad guys” and “outfrag the boys” wouldn’t it make sense to use a picture of an actual female in the ad, and not a Kelly look-alike or Garth Algar? I mean look at those hands. I’ve seen some husky ladies but give me a break. There is a Web site called “Hot Gamer Girls” and it’s the first result when you Google “hot gamer girls.” I’m sure one of their members would have been happy to volunteer.

Or maybe Video Game Schools.com is trying to be ironic and sexist? Girls can’t design bad guys or out-frag the boys, unless they are actually boys (poorly) disguised as girls?

Anyone care to make sense out of this for me? Or do I need to enroll in Video Game School to find the truth?

Anyway, I grudgingly made this margarita. And I made it strong, because if you’re going to pay ten bucks for a cocktail, it should be worth ten bucks. The server brought it back, saying the customer said it “wasn’t a top-shelf margarita.” Now, in my younger days (I like saying that because I know I’m still young by most accounts) I would have gone to the table and asked the guy of what his idea of a “top-shelf margarita” consisted. But knowing that the real issue was that I’d surpassed his expectations, I merely dumped some more sweet n’ sour mix in there.

Then the server put a skewer of olives into the margarita.

“He wants olives in his margarita?”

“Yep, he asked for them.”

“Gross.”

And then I wondered why I even bothered to make it taste good. Because sometimes, you can’t win, no matter what you do.

That must be how the Green Bay Packers’ management feels right about now. Every postseason for the past few years the  “Has Brett Favre taken his last snap?” storyline pops up. Finally in March, he held this teary press conference. Maybe he still has a couple of good years left in him to play, but at least Green Bay had an answer. They not only could begin to get their money’s worth out of first-round pick Aaron Rodgers, but also have an idea of what their future’s going to look like without the lingering question of who their starting QB will be next year.

…Or so they thought.

How were they supposed to know Brett Favre would come to them right before training camp and say “JAY KAY! I wanna play.” For four months the team has been preparing for a season with Aaron Rodgers at the helm. They were probably making plans for all the money they’d suddenly have after the fulfilment of Favre’s 100-million-dollar contract. Unfortunately, an NFL team is a business. It’s a huge money operation. These teams have to spend money to win, and they have to win to make money.

What it boils down to, is a conflict in priorities. The management’s concerned about the success of the team and the bottom line. The fans also are concerned about the success of the team but Brett Favre has been deified so much there that a lot of them forget that the last pass he threw was an interception that cost the team a trip to the Super Bowl.  And that he will be turning 39 mid-season.

As for Brett Favre, I’m sure he is motivated partly by love of the game, but his wishy-washiness has begun to venture into prima donna territory. It took him long enough realize that his decision to break the ultimate playground rule was going to be problematic. Selfish much? They’re at camp for crying out loud. The coaching staff is already working on the plays they’ll be running this season, the ones tailored to the players who’ll be on the field! Retooling those plans has to be a setback and a headache.

And Poor Aaron Rodgers. Imagine if you were at a company and got a long-coveted promotion after someone retired. You moved into your new office, hung up your diploma and a photo of your family, got settled into a new routine at your new position. And you were doing an adequate job when the guy who used to have your job, whom everyone adored, called the CEO and said, “You know, I think I want my old job back.” I would either cry or punch someone in the face. Or cry while punching someone in the face. It’s hard to tell, but I know I wouldn’t be happy.

So whose side am I on? I’m on the Saints’ side (read: I’d be pissed if he went to Atlanta). I won’t be thrilled if Favre ends up at Tampa, but even if he does end up there he still won’t be the best QB in the division (and that statement is only partially rooted in bias). I just want this whole mess to be over.

I was just reading on the Reason Magazine blog that emo kids in Russia are protesting a potential ban on emo because the Duma says it promotes antisocial and suicidal behaviors. This comes on the heels of widespread emo persecution and rioting in Mexico.

I wouldn’t go so far as to say that the music and fashion should be banned, but I would like to pass along some advice my mother imparted on me when I was in high school.

“When you’re older, you’re going to look back and be embarrassed by how stupid you looked.”

Of course I didn’t believe her at the time, being a tortured youth no one (besides probably everyone who’s ever been a teenager) understood. But as I observed an emo girl applying eyeliner on her boyfriend at the mall a couple weeks ago, I thought, “If only you could see how stupid you look right now. And that is so unsanitary.”

My mom, as always, was right. These kids’ parents should be telling them that your identity is defined more by your character than your silly Hot Topic outfits. Or better yet, that they’re not leaving the house until they change into something less ridiculous. I am all for making a statement with your wardrobe. But emo kids look about as unique as sugar cookies.

I would even venture to say that ten years from now, they’ll be embarrassed by the garbage music they listen to. I still listen to a lot of the same stuff I did in high school (Today, in fact, I listened to both Radiohead and Spiritualized just as I had in ninth grade). And I respect some older emo, like Cursive and Sunny Day Real Estate. But Panic! at! the! Disco! was on SNL last Saturday and not only was the screeching unbearable, I couldn’t imagine anyone over the age of 16 enjoying it.

I am a proponent of freedom of expression. And I think banning emo  — which has evolved from, as some emo band guy said, “a psychological emotion,” into a contrived marketing ploy to siphon money from impressionable young adults — is going too far. Looking ten years from now at pictures of themselves at their most emo should be enough punishment for these kids.

(Photo by flickr user Cpt. Obvious)

A few years ago, I visited one of your stores for the first time. I think it was in St. Louis. From the moment I laid eyes on you, I was in love. So many delicious varieties of food! Such a delectable-looking hot food bar! I longed for a day when I could visit a Whole Foods where I live in Memphis.

When I found out that you were buying Wild Oats, the Memphis location of which is a short bike ride from my house, I was elated. I eagerly awaited the day the store — half the size of most Whole Foods I’ve visited — would be renovated and stocked with the slightly-overpriced-but-totally-worth-it organic goodies you’ve come to be known for.

The inventory and selection have improved at our Wild Oats store. They’ve begun carrying Whole Foods brands such as 365 Organic (they make really good salad dressings). Whenever I forget my little grocery totebag (which is often), the paper bag the cashier gives me says “WHOLE FOODS” on it. So does my receipt. The first time I noticed this, I asked the girl who rang up my groceries: “So are y’all switching over gradually, or what?” She rolled her eyes and said “Yeah” as if I was the 204923423rd person to ask her that. And she didn’t sound convincing.

But then I read in the Flyer that the pizza bar and hot bar would soon be on their way. From the article:

[Whole Foods spokesperson Darrah] Horgan also confirms that the store would not be closing but rather redesigned to include more Whole Foods amenities, such as expanded prepared-food options and a more diverse range of produce.

The current salad bar will be replaced and have more options, and a hot food bar also will be added. Whole Foods’ hot food bars typically contain a variety of freshly prepared meats and/or tofu stir-fries and pasta dishes.

In addition, a pizza bar will be constructed, complete with a wood-fired oven. And the store will add a gourmet coffee bar serving lattes, mochas, and the like. Currently, Wild Oats has a modest self-serve coffee station.

“There’s not going to be much change in the square footage of the store, but there will be some major construction within the store,” Horgan says. “When you talk about putting in a wood-fired oven, some physical construction will have to happen.”

That was in March. It’s almost August and I am still waiting for my hot bar, Whole Foods. I need you in my life. Since I gave up meat I need you more than ever. And I hope you haven’t changed your mind.

Census data may disagree with me, and I’m sure you consider these things before opening new locations, but the truth is, Whole Foods, there are a lot of white liberal elitists in Memphis who would love you. In fact, if you’d like to open a new store instead of trying to cram all of your awesomeness into the the Wild Oats building, I have a perfect location for you. With lots of parking. More parking than you could ever need. Get with me, Whole Foods. Let’s talk.

PS: I think it’s really cool that your express lane signs are grammatically-correct.

I’ve made no secret of the fact that I think my cat is the cutest to ever live, and that she should be a model. I have big dreams for her: cat food cans, the Scoop Away box, the Hollywood Feed billboard on Sam Cooper – she could be our meal ticket. She already acts like enough of a diva, so she’s got the right attitude for that line of work.

Well, I’m hoping Trish will make her local debut in the 2009 Memphis Humane Society calendar. I heard on the radio this morning that they will be accepting submissions until July 18, after which the public will be allowed to vote which pets get to be semi-celebrities. Some more details can be found here at their Web site.

Hopefully the fame and notoriety will make her forgive me for subjecting her to the unspeakable horrors of the harness and leash I bought her yesterday. She’s due for her annual shots and my nerves just can’t handle the living hell she puts me through whenever I stuff her into that pet carrier. Usually when we get to the vet and I take her out of the carrier, she immediately runs and hides under this table in the waiting room, forcing me to drop to my knees (on the hairy, dirty floor) and try to fish her out from her “hiding spot.”

Not this time. I’m going to walk her to the car on that leash and I’m going to take her into the vet on that leash and if she tries anything cute she’ll be in for a surprise! I put the harness on her yesterday and amazingly enough she only bucked like a wild stallion for about thirty seconds before she kind of forgot she had it on. Well she would have forgotten about it, if I hadn’t kept adjusting it and telling her how pretty she looked.

For the record, no, I don’t intend to walk her around the neighborhood like a dog. And yes, I often am alarmed by the amount of effort it takes to outsmart a creature whose brain is the size of a walnut.