jen's love lessons

Welcome to Jen's Love Lessons!

2013-12-29T09:52:00.000-05:00

Relationships are not easy. They're actually really f-ing difficult. From honing your ability to engage in effective conflict about who’s turn it is to do the dishes to figuring out how to balance your work life with your home life, trying to make a relationship succeed can be exceedingly exhausting and overwhelming.

This is where I come in. Hi, I'm Jennie. I'm an assistant professor of communication studies at James Madison University and the author of "Make Love, Not Scrapbooks: And 9 Other Research-Based Love Tips to Intensify Your Relationship" (you can read more about my book HERE or buy a copy of it HERE). Broadly, I study the communication skills needed to improve romantic relationships (you can read all about my academic life HERE). I'm married to my best friend, have three children, and absolutely love life (you can read more about my personal life HERE). JensLoveLessons.com is my research-based relationship blog. I decided to start a blog way back in 2008 and have been writing here ever since. I go through periods of writing a lot and ones where I only write a little (I guess a full-time job and three kids will do that), but I try my best to get something out at least every few weeks. On this site, you'll find articles about all kinds of topics related to finding "the one," improving your current relationship, creating a happy long-lasting marriage, raising children together, and even figuring out when it's time to call it quits.

Don't know where to begin? Well, let me help you out with that. You could explore the links in my left sidebar (under "i want to learn more about"). Or you could start by reading my most recent post.

My most recent article:

(This will change as new content is added to the site- so check back often!)

KEEP READING THIS ARTICLE...

Still stuck? Here's a list of a few

of my most popular articles:

Still can't find a specific topic or article, have some unanswered questions, or want to advertise on my site? Use the search box on the left sidebar or shoot me an email- jenslovelessons {at} gmail {dot} com. You could also follow me on Facebook, Instagram, or Pinterest.

why do couples engage in disrespectful communication? an equity theory explanation

2013-04-04T13:44:00.001-04:00

Disparaging, criticizing, emasculating, and dictating. These are all communicative behaviors that have the potential to seriously damage, harm, or even end romantic relationships. Although the severity of the negative impact that this kind of language can have on other human beings seems intuitive (Disrespecting your spouse is bad- Duh!) , many individuals continue to use these destructive communication strategies in heated, and even not-so-heated, interactions with their partners.

The question then becomes: Why do romantic partners engage in disrespectful interactions?

Past research has attempted to explain the use of negative behaviors in romantic relationships, with many scholars (Buller & Burgoon, 1998; Dainton & Gross, 2008; Guerrero & Anderson, 1998; Metts, 1989) agreeing that some negative behaviors can serve the purpose of relational maintenance. For example, Dainton and Gross (2008) asked participants to “describe any negative behaviors that [they] have used for the sake of the relationship” (p. 182). A few negative strategies reported by participants to maintain their relationships included jealousy induction, infidelity, allowing control, and avoidance. Goodboy and his colleagues (2010) took a different approach to this topic and found that relationship quality was the predictor of negative behavior use, suggesting that individuals in poor relationships (i.e. those of low quality or satisfaction) might use negative behaviors to distance themselves from their partners instead of using negative behaviors to maintain the relationship.

In addition to low relationship quality, another possible explanation for why individuals are disrespectful towards their mates may lie in equity theory (Hatfield, Traupman, Sprecher, Utne, & Hay, 1985). Equity is concerned with the distribution of rewards and costs between people in a relationship. Basically, we try to obtain an equal balance of rewards and costs for both ourselves and our partners when in romantic relationships (Hatfield et al., 1985). Individuals who perceive experiencing the same amount of rewards and costs as their partners are said to be in equitable relationships, while those who experience more rewards relative to costs, when compared to their mates, are said to be overbenefitted and those who receive less rewards in relation to costs, when compared to their mates, are said to be underbenefitted (Adams, 1965; Hatfield et al., 1985; Walster, 1975). Furthermore, when individuals feel underbenefitted or overbenefited in their relationships, they experience distress (e.g., Hatfield et al., 1985; Walster, Bersheid, & Walster, 1973; Walster, Walster, & Berscheid, 1978), with underbenefitted partners typically experiencing more distress than overbenefitted since the underbenefitted do not experience as many rewards (Hatfield et al., 1985; Walster et al., 1973). This distress then has the potential to cause individuals to communicate disrespectfully towards one another either to (1) restore equity and maintain their relationship or (2) further distance themselves from their partners. Traditionally, equity theory would argue that the purpose (of both positive and negative behaviors in general) would be to restore equity (Sprecher & Schwartz, 1994), but as explained, Goodboy et al.’s (2010) research implies that this may not always be the case.

Interesting, right? I thought so. In fact, I conducted a study last September to examine this causal relationship. I asked participants to report about the frequency of disrespectful communication behaviors they received from their partners in the previous month. I also had them evaluate the equity in their relationship (the completed a survey that placed them in one of three relationships categories: overbenefitted, equitable, underbenefitted). And this is what I found:

1. Individuals in underbenefitted relationships (where they feel like they receive less rewards in relation to costs, when compared to their mates) reported receiving significantly more disrespectful communication from their partners than those in overbenefitted or equitable relationships.

2. There was no difference between individuals in equitable and overbenefitted relationships.

These findings are consistent with the previous research arguing that underbenefitted individuals experience more distress than overbenefitted or equitable individuals (Hatfield et al., 1985; Walster et al., 1973). It is still not completely clear, however, if disrespectful communication causes a person to feel underbenefitted or if feelings of overbenefittedness (by the underbenefitted person’s partner) causes a person to use more disrespectful communication towards the underbenefitted partner. Both explanations are plausible. Does the presence of disrespectful communication contribute to feelings of inequity or do overbenefitted individuals feel a sense of superiority that encourages or empowers them to speak disrespectfully towards a mate? What do you think? And since this is just one possible answer to the original question, what are some other reasons you think couples engage in disrespect?

References

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Adams, J. (1965). Inequity in social exchange. In L. Berkowitz (Ed.), Advances in experimental social psychology (Vol. 2, pp. 267-299). New York: Academic Press.
Buller, D. B., & Burgoon, J. K. (1998). Emotional expression in the deception process. In P. A. Andersen & L. K. Guerrero (Eds.), Handbook of communication and emotion (pp. 381-402). New York: Academic.
Dainton, M., & Gross, J. (2008). The use of negative behaviors to maintain relationships. Communication Research Reports, 25, 179-191.
Goodboy, A. K., Myers, S. A., & Members of Investigating Communication. (2010). Relational quality indicators and love styles as predictors of negative relational maintenance behaviors in romantic relationships. Communication Reports, 23, 65-78.
Guerrero, L. K., & Andersen, P. A. (1998). Jealousy experience and expression in romantic relationships. In P.A. Andersen & L. K. Guerrero (Eds.), Handbook of communication and emotion: Theory, research, applications, and contexts (pp. 155-188). San Diego: Academic Press.
The Hatfield (1978) Global Measure of Equity. Reported in E. Hatfield, M.K. Utne, & J. Traupmann (1979). Equity theory and intimate relationships. In R. L. Burgess & T. L. Huston (Eds.), Social exchange in developing relationships (p.112). New York: Academic Press.
Hatfield, E. Traupman, J., Sprecher, S., Utne, M., & Hay, M. (1985). Equity in close relationships. In W. Ickes (Ed.), Compatible and incompatible relationships (pp. 91-117). New York: Springer-Verlag.
Metts, S. (1989). An exploratory investigation of deception in close relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 6, 159-169.
Sprecher, S., & Schwartz, P. (1994). Equity and balance in the exchange of contributions in close relationships. In M. J. Lerner & G. Mikula (Eds.), Entitlement and the affectional bond: Justice in close relationships (pp. 11-41). New York: Plenum Press.
Walster, G. W. (1975). The Walster et al. (1973) equity formula: A correction. Representative Research in Social Psychology, 6, 65-67.
Walster (Hatfield), E., Berscheid, E., & Walster, G. W. (1973). New directions in equity research. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 25, 151-176.
Walster (Hatfield), E., Walster, G. W., & Berscheid, E. (1978). Equity: Theory and research. Boston: Allyn & Bacon.

the disrespect project: an introduction

2013-03-29T13:04:00.002-04:00

I've been working on a couple of research projects since August about disrespect in romantic relationships (both dating and married). And, I've written about respect and disrespect several times on this blog (see HERE, HERE, and HERE). It's even one of the categories I have posted in my sidebar. So I guess you could say that I'm a little interested in the topic. {grin}

Anywho, I thought I'd write a series of posts about what I've learned about disrespect during my research because I think it's pretty darn interesting. I've come across some fascinating studies, read about some surprising statistics, and discovered a few significant findings in my own studies. I'm calling it: The Disrespect Project. Let's get down to business, shall we?

The Disrespect Project: An Introduction

Overall, mutual respect has been said to be an important component of romantic relationships in both scholarly (Dickson, 1995; Frei & Shaver, 2002; Hendrick & Hendrick, 2006; Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg, 2001; Rosenbluth, Steil, & Whitcomb, 1998) and popular press (e.g., Gottman, 1994a; 1994b; Lawrence-Lightfoot, 2000; Puhn, 2010; Rosier, 2011) works. In particular, researchers (Markman et al., 2001) have named respect as one of the four core values in satisfying relationships (with commitment, forgiveness, and intimacy being the other three). When examining marriages lasting over 50 years, Dickson (1995) discovered that respect (i.e. treating a spouse with dignity) was one of the top three characteristics that these long-lasting relationships share. Additionally, respect has been shown to predict relationship satisfaction better than scales measuring liking, loving, and attachment (Frei & Shaver, 2002). Laurie Puhn (2010), the author of the (great!) book Fight Less, Love More, even goes as far as claiming that respect is “an essential condition for love” (p. 15) and that if this condition is not met, “love cannot endure” (p. 167).

Additionally, disrespect has been shown to be incredibly damaging to romantic relationships. Relationship researcher and popular presswriter John Gottman (1994a; 1994b) has been writing for decades about how disrespectful behaviors (e.g., contempt or criticism) are incredibly detrimental to romantic relationships. In fact, Gottman has named contempt (which is argued to be the opposite of respect) as the greatest predictor of divorce. As quoted in Malcom Gladwell’s (2005) book entitled, Blink: The Power ofThinking Without Thinking, Gottman claims that contempt is the most harmful because “it’s trying to put that person on a lower plane that you. It’s hierarchical” (Gladwell, 2005, p. 30). I even discovered in a study I conducted in the fall that frequency of disrespectful communication is negatively correlated to the perceived (1) quality of the relationship, (2) quality of communication in the relationship, and (3) relationship potential. Popular press writer and psychotherapist Robert Caldwell (n.d.) has claimed that, “couples kill their marriage when disrespect prevails” (Respect section, para. 5).

While the importance of including respect and avoiding disrespect with a relationship partner is clear, the use of disrespectful communication behaviors is still very common practice in many romantic relationships (Gottman, 1994a; 1994b). These findings have caused me to ask several questions, all of which will be the focus the the posts in this series that I plan to write over the next several weeks.

Why do romantic partners engage in disrespectful communication?
What impact do those disrespectful behaviors have on their relationships?
Are certain couples more likely than others to disrespect? What are the charactertistics of those couples?
Are there different types of disrespect? If yes, do certain types of disrespect have more negative impacts on relationships than others?
Which comes first: the disrespect or the dissatisfaction?
How can partners avoid disrespect?

--> Like I said, I plan to write several posts in the next several weeks addressing these questions. Stay tuned for some fascinating answers...

References:

Dickson, F. C. (1995). The best is yet to be: Research on long-lasting marriages. In J. T. Wood & S. Duck (Eds.). Under-studied relationships: Off the beaten track. (pp. 22-50). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

Frei, J. R., & Shaver, P. R. (2002). Respect in close relationships: Prototype definition, self-report assessment, and initial correlates. Personal Relationships, 9, 121-139.

Hendrick, S. S., & Hendrick, C. (2006). Measuring respect in close relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 23, 881-899.

Gladwell, M. (2005). Blink: The power of thinking without thinking. New York, NY: Little Brown and Company.

Gottman, J. (1994a). Why marriages succeed or fail: And how you can make yours last. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Gottman, J. M. (1994b). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Lawrence-Lightfoot, S. (2000). Respect: An exploration. Cambridge, MA: Perseus Books.

Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2001). Fighting for your marriage. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.

Puhn, L. (2010). Fight less, love more: 5-minute conversations to change your relationship without blowing up or giving in. Rodale: New York, NY.

Rosenbluth, S. C., Steil, J. M., J. H. Whitcomb (1998). Marital equality: What does it mean? Journal of Family Issues, 19(3), 227-244.

Rosier, J. G. (2010). Make love, not scrapbooks: And 9 other research-based love tips to intensify your relationship. Lulu: Rosier.

"i'll change him": and 5 more of the most romantic things a man can say to his partner after she has their baby

2013-01-25T14:48:00.002-05:00

The days and months following the birth of a child are both incredibly amazing and terribly stressful. On top of the insanely different routine you're trying to adjust to, the hormones violently pumping through your body can make you feel like a complete crazy person. One minute, you're staring at your sleeping babe with feelings of pure happiness. And then the next minute, you're crying hysterically at the latest ASPCA commercial (Damn you, Sarah McLachlan!). Still only a minute later, you're viciously snapping at your mother-in-law for doing God knows what. The fact of the matter is that having a baby does a number on your capacity to feel normal.

In addition to all of that nonsense, your relationship with the person you made this tiny human with has been put on the back (and sometimes WAY back) burner. And romance? What romance? You're lucky if you can get out of your PJs before dinner (if at all).

This is where your man comes in. He has the uncanny ability to lift you up or knock you down with his words and actions; especially when you're feeling all huge and crazy and shit. One slip of the tongue can send you into feeling the most elated that you have in months, anger you beyond words, or throw you into a spiral of sadness that is sometimes difficult to recover from.

Due to this drastic change in your life, your partner may not know what to say or do to make you feel special, important, and loved. What once worked like a charm is not received well anymore. Let's face it: your life has changed, your priorities have seriously shifted, and you need your partner to adjust accordingly. But how is he supposed to just know what to say?

Well gentlemen (this is where you give the computer to HIM), here are SIX things you can say to give your partner a little boost. Cause I don't know about your baby mama, but for me, being romantic has taken on a whole new meaning since Hus and I have had kids and there's definitely been a bit of a learning curve when it comes to figuring out new ways to communicate with one another. So without further ado, below are SIX of the most romantic things you can say to a new mom.

1. "I'll change him."

Wow. This one is just music to my ears. It feels so great anytime Hus takes charge with diaper-changing, burping, or any other chore/job that comes with having a new baby. It shows me that he's willing to put in the man-hours and that he cares about me feeling like I'm not doing it all.

2. "Go take a long, hot shower."

This one is great, too. Being given a break from the children is always a romantic thing in my book. The fact that Hus thinks about how stressed out or tired I must be is comforting. And when he suggests that I go take some time for myself (by taking a shower), it makes me feel appreciated, valued, and loved.

3. "What do you need me to do?"

This one goes a long way. Anytime Hus asks me this it shows me that he recognizes that I'm taking on a heavy load. That kind of recognition alone is incredible. Then the fact that he's willing to do anything to help? Well, that's just icing on the cake.

4. "You're doing great. I'm very proud of you."

Being a mom is tough. Trying to juggle everything while staying sane is more than a full-time job. I can't tell you how many times I've thought about just giving up on something (like breast feeding or walking one of our kids around for a ridiculously long time while he or she is screaming his/her head off or not ~~slapping the shit out of~~ screaming loudly at one of them for throwing something purposefully at my face) and then I don't because Hus acknowledges something positive about how I'm parenting. It's nice to hear. Period.

5. "I'm so happy."

Let's face it. In general, women tend to feel responsible for other people's happiness. We want to make sure that the people we love feel content and secure. And we also feel like we can and should fix things when the people we love express sadness or negativity with a situation. Many of us even see maintaining a certain level of happiness as our job. When you tell your baby mama that you're happy, it takes one more thing off her worry list. And that, my friend, is always a good thing.

6. "I'm excited about our family's future."

This is a big one. Also in general, women like to know that you're in-it-to-win-it. We want to know that you're in it for the long haul. That you're not going anywhere. That you want to be here with us and that you see a bright future by our side. If you ever feel this way, tell her. She wants to hear it and you won't regret it.

At the end of the day, anything that can make your baby mama feel like you're happy with your new life together, that you actually want to participate in all of the work it takes to care for this new person, that you recognize and appreciate all of the work that she does, and that you're excited about your shared future is a good thing. Now go forth and be romantic!

guest post: 10 tips to improve communication with your other half

2012-12-14T10:00:00.000-05:00

Being able to share your inner most feelings, and spending the time to listen to your partner’s, can mean the difference between make or break in any relationship. Here are ten easy tips for anyone looking to improve their communication skills with their other half.

1. Listen to each other

Sound obvious? Ineffective listening remains the backbone of most relationship problems. Switch off your mobile and give your partner your full attention.

2. Stay focused

Between cooking dinner and getting the kids ready for bed, it’s easy to get distracted when listening to your partner’s problems. It’s important to stay focused on what your partner is saying and give your full attention.

3. Try and see things from their point of view

You might not always agree with what your partner has to say, but it’s important to consider things from their point of view.

4. Show empathy and understanding

Use your body language to show your understanding and empathy about your partner’s concerns. Make a point of showing eye contact, nodding and positioning your body language to show you are receptive to their ideas.

5. Use technology wisely

Technology can be a big disruption is a couples’ ability to communicate. It can be easy to misunderstand a person’s meaning in a text message, so stick to a phone call to keep things clear and easy to understand.

However, when it comes to bringing people together technology can be one of your greatest assets. Online dating sites, like eHarmony, not only specialise in bringing together compatible people, they also give them the opportunity to really get to know one another in a safe and comfortable environment.

6. Don’t enter the blame-game cycle

It’s not uncommon for couples to enter disagreeable patterns and cycles in their relationship, like finding fault and laying blame. Make a point of breaking the blame-game cycle and instead look for the positive in their behaviour.

7. Make the time

In our busy modern lifestyles, one of the biggest hurdles is healthy communication time. Make time to talk in a happy and friendly environment, like a trip to your favourite café or restaurant.

8. Ask for help

If communication has sunk to an all time low and you can’t seem to interact without arguing, there’s nothing wrong with seeking professional help. Relationship counselling is a positive step that can break the negative cycle.

9. Take time out

If you’re fighting a lot, sometimes it’s worthwhile taking time out. It might mean going for a walk to clear your head, it might mean staying a night at your parents. Either way, creating space can give you the perspective you need to see things clearly.

10. Stay positive

Negativity breeds negativity. Stay positive, smile and make sure your partner knows above all else that you love them.

This also applies if you’re still looking for love following the breakdown of an old relationship. If communication was the downfall in the past, this time around, why not consider online dating? For eHarmony users, the diversity of the membership means singles have the chance to really get to know other people, at a speed and style that best suits them.

This article was a guest post by Alice Johnson. Alice is a freelance writer who writes extensively on a variety of topics related to relationships, dating, travel and food.

some of my favorite entries

2012-12-13T11:30:00.001-05:00

Last month during my Gratitude Project, a lot of you decided to join me in the fun on Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest by posting about why you are grateful. Here are a few of my favorite entries...

why i'm grateful

2012-12-02T20:26:00.000-05:00

Aaaand, my gratitude project is done!

As many of you already know, each day this past November, I posted a reason for my gratitude on my Facebook fan page. And, I encouraged all of you to also post your thankfulness on various social media websites. In case you missed it, here's a collection of my 30 posts. You can look at all of my submissions by viewing the photo album entitled "JLL Gratitude Project ~ 2012" on my Facebook fan page.

Here's what the posts looked like on my page:

And here's what I wrote each day in November:

Day 1: Today, I'm grateful for having a relatively happy baby, despite the fact that he's experiencing his first fever.

Day 2: My Dad passed away six years ago today. Even though I miss him every day, I'm grateful for all of the memories we were able to make together. To me, his mantra in life was "Don't worry, be happy." So, I don't and I am. Miss you, Dad!

Day 3: Today, I'm grateful for having a supportive husband. Thank you for always believing in me and pushing me to do my best.

Day 4: Today, I'm grateful for having three healthy children. And it doesn't hurt that they're super cute, too.

Day 5: Today, I'm grateful for my amazing mom who took some awesome family photos for us this past weekend. It's pretty rare to get all five of us in a great photo, but she did it. You're the best, Mom!

Day 6: Today, I'm grateful for the right to vote. The end.

Day 7: Today, I'm grateful to be married to a man who is an incredible Daddy. Seriously, he's amazing. He has a special relationship with each one of our three children. He has his own nicknames for them and special voices that he uses to make them squeal in laughter. He also takes care of them, feeds them, cleans up after them, and sleeps with them if they're needy in the middle of the night. Love him. A lot.

Day 8: Today, I'm grateful for the food on my table. I'm so very lucky to be able to eat three full meals a day. And it doesn't hurt that I get to eat froze yogurt every so often, too!

Day 9: Today, I'm grateful for my job. Sometimes I can't believe I get paid to do what I do. It's incredible. Being a college professor really is the greatest job in the world. And being a professor at JMU is the icing on the cake!

Day 10: Today, I'm grateful for having such a cool daughter. Little Miss Vivian is feisty, smart, creative, clever, particular, and a bit bossy. I love her to pieces.

Day 11: Today, I'm grateful for having such a great son. Mr. Gavin is confident, energetic, determined, easily-frustrated, loving, charismatic, and a tad ornery. Love that kid.

Day 12: Today, I'm grateful for having an incredibly happy baby.

Day 13: Today, I'm grateful for Oasis Preschool & Nursery. I love the activities our kids get to do and the lessons that our kids learn. But I especially love the people who work there everyday taking care of our kids. Thank you!

Day 14: Today, I'm grateful for a well lived in (i.e. messy) house. Although it makes me crazy at times, our kids had fun making it look this way. And that's what matters most.

Day 15: Today, I'm grateful for family photos. I love taking them, but I love looking at them and remembering what life was like when we took them even more.

Day 16: Today, I'm grateful for pacifiers. Thank you, Soothie company.

Day 17: Today, I'm grateful for a baby who sleeps every single time we go on a road trip.

Day 18: Today, I'm grateful for curiosity. I love watching our kids try to figure out how the world works.

Day 19: Today, I'm grateful for having such great girlfriends. I am truly blessed.

Day 20: Today, I'm grateful for my favorite iced coffee. It's a life saver.

Day 21: Today, I'm grateful for jumperoos and other baby-entertaining contraptions. I love being able to make dinner in peace.

Day 22: Today, I'm grateful that our kids love watching old movies like Mary Poppins. They LOVE this one.

Day 23: Today, I'm grateful for my family. I don't know about you, but our Thanksgiving was fabulous!

Day 24: Today, I'm grateful for my "fake family." Genetics doesn't always define family. I have a lot of fake family. Basically, they're people who I grew up calling my aunts, uncles, and cousins, but in all actuality, they're not related to me at all. When I first started dating Hus, it was difficult for him to keep up with who was in my real fam and who was in my fake fam, but I quickly explained to him that the distinction didn't matter because they all (real and fake) meant so much to me and were extremely important in my life. Love you all! Especially this one: my "youngest sister."

Day 25: Today, I'm grateful for my family traditions. I grew up having rituals for just about everything and it enriched my life in ways that I cannot describe. And I have especially loved creating new traditions with our children. Painting cookies on Black Friday is definitely one of the best newly-created traditions.

Day 26: Today, I'm gratefulf or statistical significance (I know, I'm a nerd). I've been working on a research project for the last few months and I'm happy to report that many of my hypotheses about why relationship partners engage in disrespectful communication (and the impact it has on said relationships) have been supported!

Day 27: Today, I'm grateful for a growing baby boy. At his 6 month check up, he was 20lbs 14oz and 28 inches! Go Pax, Go!

Day 28: Today, I'm grateful for imagination.

Day 29: Today, I'm grateful for laughter. I don't know how some people live without it. I know I couldn't.

Day 30: On the last of my First Annual Jen's Love Lessons Gratitude Project, I am grateful for optimism. I am definitely an optimist. And, I truly believe that I experience a wide variety of positivity outcomes in life because of it.

wise love words: 5 great marriage quotes

2012-11-13T15:18:00.001-05:00

Marriage is work. But it's also fun. And hilarious. And stressful. And fun.

I love hearing what people have to say about this experience that so many of us share. Here are just a few (five) of my favorite marriage quotes.

1. "I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." ~Rita Rudner

2. "Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it." ~Unknown

3. "Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?" ~Barbara Streisand

4. "You make me happier than I ever thought I could be, and if you let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way." ~Friends

What are your favorite quotes about love and marriage?

the first annual gratitude project

2012-11-01T17:18:00.002-04:00

In the spirit of the season, I'm happy to announce the First Annual Jen's Love Lessons' Gratitude Project. For the entire month of November, I plan to post on my Jen's Love Lessons Facebook fan page a different reason that I am thankful each day. And, I'm encouraging all of YOU to follow suit and let me know about it!

YOU can participate in this project by doing one (or all) of the following:

posting why you're grateful directly on my Facebook fan page,
posting why you're grateful on your own personal Facebook wall and tagging my Facebook fan page (@Jens Love Lessons),
Instagraming a photo and using the hash tag #JLLGratitudeProject (You can follow me on Instagram by searching for JensLoveLessons),
writing a post on your own blog about the gratitude you're feeling (either that day or in general) and pinning the post on Pinterest with the hash tag #JLLGratitudeProject, and/or
leaving a comment on this post.

I'd love to hear what you're grateful for this month! Feel free to post photos, memes, links, or videos to accompany your Gratitude Project submissions.

At the end of November, I plan to pick some of my favorites from my Facebook fan page, Instagram, and Pinterest to feature on my blog! You can tell me one thing you're grateful for or make it a daily goal to post something on one of these online platforms. Just be sure to let me know you're participating by using the hash tag #JLLGratitudeProject, posting on my Facebook fan page, or leaving a comment below!

I can't wait to here about your gratitude this month!

books i love: 4 books you must read when you have a baby

2012-10-16T20:56:00.003-04:00

Learning about babies before you have one can definitely help you manage those first few months in your new life. While I feel like I've read a ton of books on parenting, there are definitely a few that stand out in my head as MUST READS for new parents. Hell, I didn't read this first suggestion until after we already had two kids and I was pregnant with our third. And let me tell you, it changed my life. I can honestly say that if you only have time for one book, Harvey Karp's is the one to read. Over and over and over.

A couple of books to read together
(i.e. the info in these books is stuff you BOTH should know):

1. The Happiest Baby on the Block:
The New Way to Calm Crying
and Help Your Newborn Sleep Longer

By: Harvey Karp, M.D.

After your life is changed by this one,
go ahead and buy the sequel:

2. The Attachment Connection:

Parenting a Secure and Confident

Child Using the Science of

Attachment Theory

By: Ruth Newton, Ph.D. & Allan Schore, Ph.D.

And a couple of books for shits and giggles (because you're gonna need 'em!):

3. Sippy Cups are Not for Chardonnay:
And Other Things I Had to Learn as a New Mom

By: Stefanie Wilder-Taylor

4. Sleep is for the Weak:
The Best of the Mommybloggers
By: Rita Arens & Stacy Morrison

What's your favorite parenting book?

the "who does more" war: and 3 other common arguments caused by throwing a new baby into the mix

2012-10-03T12:06:00.005-04:00

Me & my little Nugget ~ May 2012

Having a baby is supposed to be this wonderfully magical time in your life when the world stands still and you get to bask in the glory that is a precious, itty-bitty human being... right? Well, sorry to break it to ya, but adding a new person to your life isn't all it's cracked up to be. Don't get me wrong, it's definitely one of the happiest times in your life. You can't imagine loving another person as much as you do and everything else in your life seems, well, insignificant at best.

BUT (and that's a big but), it's also one of the most stress-inducing times in your life, where a surge of hormones causes you to go bat-shit crazy, a change in routine causes you to feel a bit uneasy, and a black hole in your wallet causes you to wonder how you thought you could handle this new venture in the first place. If you've already experienced the joy of becoming a new parent, you know exactly what I'm talking about and if you're gearing up for this new journey, get ready for seemingly insignificant things to push your ass right off the deep end.

The good news is that you can easily avoid some (but certainly not all) of these conflict-inducing problems simply by learning about the common arguments that new parents face. Recognizing that these conflicts are completely normal can not only help you feel more sane when they surface, but just by knowing what to expect, you can begin to create plans for dealing with these issues for when the time to deal with them comes. Whether it's your first baby or your sixth, below are 4 common arguments that couples have when a new baby is thrown into the mix. And by the way, I'm calling them "wars" because, like a war, until you figure out a way to end them peacefully, these arguments could continue for a very long time.

The "Who Does More" War

(a.k.a. The Chore War)

Our twins at 2 weeks of age ~ May 2009

If you live with your partner, you probably already feel like you've got this one in the bag. And you might. But having a baby seriously increases the number of chores you have to complete on a month-to-month, week-to-week, and day-to-day basis. So you will likely need to sort things out again. And if you're anything like the 4-years-ago version me, I would rather have just done all of the chores than have an argument about how Hus wasn't doing his share. This caused me to feel overwhelmed and underappreciated at times; and that was BEFORE we had any children! We've since worked it out, but I can't tell you how many little (and sometimes not-so-little) spats we've had about who is doing more when it comes to caring for our children.

When you have a baby, everything seems to triple. You have more laundry than you know what to do with, you're vacuuming and sweeping as much as possible to keep the floors clean for your itty-bitty, and you're changing diapers around the clock. If you're nursing, well, it seems like all you do is have something (a baby or a pump) attached to you and if you're formula-feeding, you're filling, mixing, heating, and washing bottles all freakin' day. It's exhausting. And one of you will usually get the short end of the stick.

The goal here is to figure out a way to make both of you feel like you're putting in your fair share of work; whatever that may be. Some couples are perfectly fine with the woman doing more of the child-raising than the man, while other couples want everything to be equal, and still other couples expect the man to put in more man-hours caring for baby. Having a discussion about divvying up baby-related chores is vital to maintaining your sanity.

Hus and I, for example, subscribe to the idea of equal parenting. We both want to put in an equal amount of time and energy when it comes to caring for our children. And we negotiate, barter, and compromise about all kinds of things to achieve that goal. But we still engage in the epic "who does more" battle on a regular basis. Don't be fooled; this war does not escape our discussions. And I think it's impossible to eliminate it completely. For us, we just try to voice our concerns when things feel a little unbalanced. Figuring out how to make each person happy is important. And keeping the lines of communication open about this issue can definitely help. Another thing you can do is try to avoid keeping score about who does more, because trust me, it will just piss you off.

The "Why Don't You Want to BLEEP Me Anymore" War

(a.k.a. The Sex War)

Our youngest ~ June 2012

Pregnancy does some pretty messed up things to your body; most of which are TMI to discuss at length. But one of the most prominent side effects of pregnancy is your total lack of a sex drive. Now, this doesn't happen to everyone, but for many of you, engaging in sexual activities with your partners is the absolute last thing on your mind (because of your hormones and extreme tiredness). And it usually continues (sometimes getting worse) for a few months after your baby is born (for some, it continues until you stop breast feeding). This can cause a lot of conflict in your relationship; especially if your pre-pregnancy relationship was filled with a lot of sex. With many men, sex is an important component of his feelings of relationship security and self-worth. So a sudden lack of sex can cause even the most secure men to feel anxious or even fearful about their relationship.

Acknowledging your partner's feelings about this and explaining that it's not him (it's your hormones) that's causing you to not be in the mood can help, but sometimes a good old fashioned make-out session is the only cure. Be aware of your partner's point of view and try to increase your physical touch with him as much as possible. Expressing your attraction to him is also something you're going to want to implement into your daily routine (as if you didn't have enough stuff to do!). And whatever you do, DO NOT act as if engaging in intimate activities with him is a chore. This can seriously damage his confidence and could cause the two of you to drift apart. Trust me when I say that you do not want that to happen. Just keep reminding yourself that this too will pass. Hopefully.

The "You're Not Doing That Right" War

(a.k.a. The Gatekeeping War)

Our daughter with our youngest ~ May 2012

No, I'm not still talking about sex. Get your minds out of the gutter, people. What I'm talking about here is a situation where one parent (usually mom) takes control of the care-giving and then (either consciously or unconsciously) limit's dad's involvement by preventing him from caring for their child, criticizing how he cares for their child, or failing to encourage him. The mom in these situations is the "gatekeeper" of knowledge about caring for children. The mom feels like the dad is incapable of knowing what she knows and may begin to treat the dad as beneath her. I see women do this ALL OF THE TIME. For instance, when you tell your partner how to hold a baby ("Make sure you hold the head, Honey.") or giggle at his inability to change a diaper, you are essentially making fun of him and it is emasculating. This can cause a multitude of issues from feelings of inadequacy in your partner all the way to the dreaded parent-child relationship between the two of you.

Try to avoid telling your partner how he should or should not care for his child. Bite your tongue. He may not have the same knowledge about newborns or children as you, but he's a grown-ass man who is perfectly capable of figuring it out. Make sure that he knows you support him and his efforts. Express your appreciation for everything that he does and compliment him. {Side note: I can't tell you how many times I congratulate Hus on his self-honed daddy skills. It not only makes him feel great, but he usually returns the compliments when he sees me do something well.} Studies have found that this will not only enable him to be more involved, but it will also decrease conflict in your relationship.

The "WTF are we Fighting About" War

(a.k.a. The War about Nothing)

Hus asleep at the doctor's office with our twins ~ May 2009

The last war you will inevitably experience as new parents is the War about Nothing. After that little bundle of joy joins your family, you'll have arguments about all kinds of things that never seemed important before. And the sleep deprivation and change in routine will be the main sources of these fights.

For example, during the first year of his life, our son had reflux and was very colicky. His incessant crying and need to be carried everywhere was terribly challenging. The amount of attention that he demanded was difficult for Hus and I to deal with because we didn’t always agree about how to best handle the situation (and we also had a second crying baby to soothe). Coupled with the sleep deprivation that we were both experiencing, Hus and I would get into arguments about all kinds of insignificant things related to our cranky son.

“I’ve been carrying him around all day; what the hell have you done?”

(i.e. The Chore War)

“You’re not holding him right. If you would hold him like this he would stop screaming!”

(i.e. The Gatekeeping War)

“Stop getting annoyed by him! He’s just a baby! And his stomach hurts! He can’t help it!”

(i.e. The War about Nothing)

These phrases (and several dozen others) were said by Hus and myself many times each day. And they didn’t help our marriage. We were angry at one another about things we couldn’t control. It was ridiculous. The good news is that you eventually get out of this phase. The bad news is that some couples say or do things during this phase that negatively and sometimes permanently change their relationship. The best advice I have here is to try to not sweat the small stuff.

In the end, all of the arguing is worth it.

Our youngest ~ October 2012

books i love: 5 books you must read before you get married

2012-09-19T13:40:00.003-04:00

I get a lot of emails with people asking me for relationship advice (keep 'em coming!). More often than not, I respond with some advice, a few links to posts on Jen's Love Lessons, and then a few book suggestions. I love pointing people towards great relationship advice books. I even usually give my newly married friends several of my go-to advice books as wedding gifts. Since this is such a huge part of how I give advice, I thought I'd include a few of these book lists here (stay tuned for my book list for singles, my book list for married folk, and my book list for struggling relationships). Fun, right?

So without further ado, here's my list of 5 MUST-READ books for anyone planning to get married...

1. Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages:

The Secret to Love that Lasts"

2. Laurie Puhn's "Fight Less, Love More:

5-Minute Conversations to Change Your

Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In"

3. Gary Chapman's "Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married"

4. John Gottman and Nan Silver's

"The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:

A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert"

5. John Gottman and Nan Silver's

"What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal"

the relationship double standard: communicating with mutual respect

2012-09-14T10:36:00.004-04:00

The Double Standard.

We've all heard this phrase used when talking about how the lives of men and women are portrayed in the media, evaluated in the workplace, and judged by our peers. But how many of you have really thought about all of the double standards we experience in marriage (or just in relationships in general)? I have. Actually, I do all of the time. I watch partners interact with one another and I think to myself, "you would HATE it if he talked to you that way" or "she would NEVER say that to you." And lately, I feel like I'm being inundated by prime examples of what I'm calling the Relationship Double Standard.

The Relationship Double Standard is a situation where relationship partners have different sets of rules or expectations for themselves than they do for their partners. In relationships (and in life), we have sets of rules about what behaviors are acceptable and unacceptable. Some of these rules are explicit (i.e. verbally stated or written down by you or your partner; wedding vows are a great example) and some of them are implicit (i.e. not directly stated, but observed by watching patterns of behavior). We have rules about how we would like others to treat us and we have rules about how we plan to act towards others. These rules tell our partners what they must do (i.e. "In order to be my partner, you have to be faithful to me."), what we would like them to do (i.e. "Please laugh at my jokes."), and what we want them to avoid doing (i.e. "You can't call me a bitch."). It's easy to learn the rules or expectations of our partners when they are explicitly stated. But, when rules are not explicit, it may take us a little longer to catch up, learning about them by spending a lot of time with our partners and through trial and error. Once you figure out how your partner wants to be treated, it's your job to continue behaving in that way to maintain your relationship.

The problem I'm focusing on here is when a person has rules about his or her partner behaving in a certain way, yet he or she doesn't follow the same set of rules. For instance, I know a woman (let's call her Alaina) who is married to a man (let's call him Grant) and has two children. Alaina is a strong-willed, independent, confident working mom. Grant is a dedicated, positive, happy-go-lucky working dad. Alaina expects respect from her children, husband, and just about anyone with whom she interacts. But for some reason, she thinks it's perfectly acceptable to boss her husband around and tell him what he should or should not be doing on a several-times-a-day basis. And let me tell you, she would flip her shit if her husband told her how to make dinner or what order to get the kids ready in the morning. How can she disrespect him (by bossing him around, talking down to him, treating him like a child, and telling him what to do) and demand respect from him at the same time? There's definitely a double standard here.

I've even caught myself doing this with Hus. Sometimes I'll say something and then right afterwards, I'll wonder how I would have reacted if Hus had said that to me. And usually, my response (to myself) is not a positive one.

For instance, I'm constantly saying to Hus, "Don't tell me what to do." I actually hate it when he tells me how to do something (unless I ask) or that I'm not doing something in the best, most effective way. BUT, I'm totally willing to tell Hus how to drive (for example) on a very regular basis. I'm a total back seat driver whenever I'm with him. And that makes him crazy. This is especially true when we're driving on the highway. Hus drives very fast. He's a speed-demon. And that makes me crazy. Sometimes, I'll tell him to slow down ten times in just an hour of driving.

Well, a few weeks ago, I was driving up to Maryland for the night with just our youngest child (Hus and the twins stayed home). And I was speeding. About 10-20 miles over the speed limit. And I felt totally in control of the car. Then I started thinking to myself...

Why does Hus driving fast get on my nerves so much? Why do I feel the urge to tell him how to drive? I'm speeding right now and I feel fine. He's a grown-ass man who knows how to drive. I would bite his head off if he told me how to drive.

Needless to say, I'm working on it.

My advice here is simple:

Talk to your partner in the same way that you expect him or her to talk to you.
Only engage in behaviors that you would find to be acceptable yourself.
Bite your tongue if whatever you're about to say would offend you if it was said to you by your partner.
Treat your partner as you would like to be treated.

"what's so great about the beach anyway?": 4 vacation vows to help you survive your next trip

2012-08-23T13:38:00.000-04:00

Hus and I recently returned from a week vacation at Smith Mountain Lake (in Virginia) with our kids. Last year, Hus' mom, dad, and brother joined us for the first half of the week and my sister and her fiance joined us for the second half of the week. This year, we ditched family and were joined by one of our couple friends (who are currently expecting their first child! Yahooo!).

All vacations are stressful, each with it's own set of unique challenges. For instance, when Hus and I go on vacation with just our kids, we're usually stressed out about managing them by ourselves in a foreign place. And if we're with multiple people, we tend to get stressed out about trying to make everyone happy. Hell, Hus and I were even stressed out when we would go on vacation by ourselves in our pre-children life together, arguing about all kinds of stupid shit.

The fact of the matter is that trying to make your vacation relaxing and fun, while also trying to meet the demands of everyone involved, can be frustrating, annoying, and can even make you wonder why you wanted to go on your trip in the first place. And many times, you and your spouse end up getting the short end of the stick. I can't tell you how many arguments Hus and I have gotten into on vacation. From fighting after having one too many drinks on our honeymoon to bickering about being late to dinner to arguing over seemingly insignificant things after listening to our twins whine for what seems like forever, disagreements when traveling can ruin your time together.

While maintaining your relationship can be a full-time job in your everyday life, enacting positive maintenance behaviors on vacation is especially important to achieve some tranquility, be rational, and enjoy your vacation. Hus and I have actively worked on making our vacations less stressful over the years and have come up with a few "Vacation Vows" that we make before we pack the car. Hopefully, they can help you survive your next vacay, too.

Vacation Vow #1: "I promise to be flexible."

So many times, Hus and I have fought about not keeping our regular (at home) schedule with the kids while on vacation. While maintaining a routine is important, keeping a precise schedule isn't. For instance, our twins usually eat lunch around noon and then go down for a nap around 12:30 until 2:30. On vacation, we've realized that it's more important to make sure that nap comes after lunch (no matter the time) than making lunch start exactly at noon. So, the routine is kept, but the time constraints are flexible. Even if you don't have children, being flexible is still very important. Try not to get bogged down by things that (1) don't go your way, (2) are unplanned, or (3) take more or less time than expected. Adopting a "go-with-the-flow" attitude can easily lower the stress level on vacation. For instance, one of the things I really wanted to do at Smith Mountain Lake was to pick blueberries at a local orchard. Unfortunately, we didn't go the first few mornings we were there and then it rained every single morning the second half of the week, making it impossible for my dreams of blueberry picking to happen. I could have moaned and bitched about not picking blueberries or I could have figured out something else fun to do. I choose the latter. Being flexible is vital on vacation because you can't possible predict how everything will turn out. And anyway, going on vacations where every second of the day is planned out is more stress than it's worth (at least with my experience).

Vacation Vow #2: "I promise to appreciate you."

Trying to navigate an unfamiliar place and make your time together fun and exciting, all while relaxing can be difficult and can easily cause conflict between you and your spouse. It's important to pay attention to, recognize, and then verbally acknowledge our partner's attempts at meeting your vacation goals. Just saying "thank you" a few times a day can make a world of difference in a stress-inducing environment. In the hustle and bustle that is a family vacation, it's easy to fail to pay attention all of the little things your spouse is doing for you, your kids, or the vacation as a whole. Make an effort to seek these things out and then (here's the tough part) actually say something about it. I try to compliment or express my gratitude for Hus as often as possible when we're on vacation. It helps your spouse realize that he or she is valued and can just make your general interactions with one another more positive. Like I said, vacations can be tough, but inserting positivity into your interactions can really help you relax.

Vacation Vow #3: "I promise to express my love for you."

This seems like a no-brainer and most of us do this on a daily or multiple-times-a-day basis already, but on vacation, many people "forget" to complete this little task because of stress, the foreign environment, the lack of alone time, or any combination of the three. Saying "I love you" or "I love our life together" or "I love spending time with you"or "I'm loving this vacation with you" are all great ways to (1) insert even more positivity into your interactions, (2) allow your spouse to feel loved, valued, and wanted, and (3) significantly lower the stress the two of you will inevitably experience. Anytime you feel even a little inkling of love for your mate, say it out loud. And make an effort to reinforce how much you love being together on your retreat, several times a day.

The broken lamp from our last vacation.

Vacation Vow #4: "I promise to not sweat the small stuff."

Just get over it. You're on vacation! Don't let those little things that normally bother you affect your ability to relax. When you feel that agitation creeping in, take a deep breath and ask yourself, "is it really worth it?" If you answer "no," then take another deep breath and get over it. No one (including yourself) wants to listen to someone bitch and moan and groan about every little thing that bothers you. Our ability to "not sweat the small stuff" was seriously tested on our last vacation when our twins broke a lamp in our rental after running around like crazy banshees. Instead of totally freaking out (okay, we may have yelled a bit at first), we simply came up with a plan to find a replacement lamp. We ended up finding a very similar lamp at Goodwill for $2, spraying it with a can of ivory paint for $3, and doing a little switcharoo. No big deal.

When Hus and I make these promises to one another, we mean it. We know what a crappy vacation is like (and I'm sure you do too!) and we are not willing to travel down that road again. Vowing to be flexible, show our appreciation, express our love, and get over it helps us keep the peace, maintain our sanity, and actually enjoy each other's company.

"share the love" contest

2012-08-20T12:00:00.000-04:00

As part of the "One Year Anniversary Extravaganza" for my book, I'm hosting FOUR contest giveaways that will all end in the month of August (this one will end in the fourth week). Each contest winner will receive a FREE signed copy of my book. Already have a copy of my book? That's okay! You can still enter- my book makes a great gift!

This contest is called "Share the Love" because you will need to get (at least) ONE of your friends to "LIKE" my Facebook fan page so that I can "share" my knowledge about love and relationships with more people. All you have to do is invite your friends to "LIKE" my Facebook fan page, figure out which of your friends actually took your suggestion (you need at least one), and then come back to THIS blog post and leave a comment with your friend's last name. Again, this is an easy one. And your friend can enter as well by getting one of his/her friends to "LIKE" my page. Easy-peasy, right?

Here are the deadline details:

Leave a comment at the bottom of THIS POST with your friend's last name before August 26, 2012 at 5pm (EST).
I will then randomly choose a winner (using random.org) and announce the winner by 5pm on August 27th.
The winner will receive a signed copy of my book!!!
Sorry, but you can only submit ONE comment to this contest.

"fill-in-the-love" contest

2012-08-13T10:42:00.001-04:00

As part of the "One Year Anniversary Extravaganza" for my book, I'm hosting FOUR contest giveaways that will all end in the month of August (this one will end in the second week). Each contest winner will receive a FREE signed copy of my book. Already have a copy of my book? That's okay! You can still enter- my book makes a great gift!

This contest is called "Fill-in-the-Love" because you'll be doing just that: completing a fill-in-the-blank sentence (that has to do with love) on my Facebook fan page. Yes, it's that easy.

All you have to do is go to my Facebook fan page and find the post where I have the fill-in-the-blank contest (Note: you have to find the correct post). I've provided a screen shot (see below) of what the post looks like right now on my page. Find this specific post and then click COMMENT. Leave a comment with whatever word (or words) you would like to insert in the blank. ANYTHING will work.

Here are the deadline details:

Leave a comment with your response to the fill-in-the-blank prompt on my Facebook fan page before August 19, 2012 at 5pm (EST).
I will then randomly choose a winner (using random.org) and announce the winner by 5pm on August 20th.
The winner will receive a signed copy of my book!!!
Sorry, but you can only submit ONE comment to this contest.

Good luck and have fun with this one!

4 years and counting: my top 10 posts of all time

2012-07-26T09:00:00.000-04:00

Ever since Blogger (this blog's host site) started providing "stats" for Jen's Love Lessons, I've become a little obsessed checking out my top posts. I think it's interesting to see the posts that readers (like you!) enjoy reading. In addition, these stats have also helped me write more posts (because I know what you like!). Since I've been blogging for almost 4 years now (on August 7th, to be exact), I thought I'd share some of these stats with you. So here they are, my top ten posts of all time (the posts that have received the most hits)! (By the way, you can click on each post title below to read said post.)

#10: Breaking Free: 4 Male & 4 Female Gender Role Stereotypes to be Aware of and Possibly Eliminate from Your Relationship

#9: Breaking Up is Hard to Do: How to Effectively End Your Relationship

#8: A Sunday Kind of Love: Finding Someone Who Will Last Past Saturday Night

#7: Quick Love Tip: Improve Your Sexual Satisfaction

#6: Communication Privacy Management: A Theory about Keeping Your Conversations Private

#5: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

#4: Aww, Look at the Happy Couple: Examining the Relationship between Marriage and Happiness

#3: Puzzle Pieces

#2: Wise Love Words: Relationships are like...

And the #1 post of all time on JensLoveLessons.com is... drumroll...

Jen's Top Ten: My 10 Favorite Relationship Blogs

What's one of YOUR favorite Jen's Love Lessons' posts?

"pin and win" contest

2012-07-25T09:00:00.000-04:00

As part of the "One Year Anniversary Extravaganza" for my book, I'm hosting FOUR contest giveaways that will all end in the month of August (this one will end in the first week). Each contest winner will receive a FREE signed copy of my book. Already have a copy of my book? That's okay! You can still enter- my book makes a great gift!

This contest is called "Pin and Win" because you'll be using one of my favorite websites: Pinterest! I have a board in my Pinterest account called "book love." On that board, I pinned my book. To enter this contest, you will need to go to my pin of my book (HERE) and REPIN it to one of your own Pinterest boards (any board will do). Then, you should come back to THIS POST and leave a comment with the link to YOUR REPIN of my book. Does that make sense? I hope it does. If it doesn't, just send me an email (jenslovelessons@gmail.com).

In case you were still a little confused, here's a set of screen shot instructions:

Step One: Click HERE to go to my pin of my book on my Pinterest board entitled, "book love." It will take you to a screen that looks like this:

Step Two: Click "Repin" and

put it on one of your own boards.

Step Three: Come back to THIS POST and leave a comment with the link to my book pinned on one of your Pinterest boards.

That's it!

I will randomly choose one of you to win a free SIGNED copy of my book on August 5th.

Want to know more about my book? You can read a summary HERE, see a few quotes from within the book HERE, and read a few book reviews HERE.

Here are the deadline details:

Leave a comment with a link to the repin of my book at the bottom of this post before August 5, 2012 at 5pm (EST).
I will then randomly choose a winner (using random.org) and announce the winner by 5pm on August 6th.
The winner will receive a signed copy of my book!!!
Sorry, but you can only submit ONE pin to this contest.

Well what are you waiting for? Get to pinning!

quick love tip: snuggle

2012-07-19T08:50:00.000-04:00

Our new baby, Paxton, is now two months old. And through all of the rigmarole of having a new baby, Hus and I have... well... forgotten about the importance of a few things. And one of those things is snuggling. It's not like we literally forgot. It's just that we haven't had a whole lot of time to ourselves while adjusting to our new life with three children (two of which are ridiculously rambunctious and one of which is ridiculously needy).

Snuggling was always a big part of our pre-children life together. We would snuggle on the couch while watching tv, snuggle in bed while sleeping, or snuggle in a chair while talking about our daily events. Then, we had children. Attention-draining, time-consuming, stress-inducing, conflict-creating little people. Our time alone (when we usually cuddled) was cut down from all day long to a few hours here or a few minutes there. And our bed became a family bed. This, in turn, significantly decreased the frequency of our snuggle time.

As our twins aged, we got back to snuggling more and more. When I got pregnant again, I vowed (to myself) to work harder at maintaining closeness with Hus this time around. Then, I was put on strict bed rest and was unable to move for most of the day. I lived on our couch and Hus took over. He did everything related to caring for the twins and our house. He. Was. Exhausted. And snuggling was put on the back burner once again.

But we're working on it. Last week, the twins went to bed and Pax nursed at the same time. We knew we had a few hours before Pax needed to nurse again and the couch was available. We put on a movie... and snuggled. And boy, it was glorious. I forgot just how great it felt to curl up with my husband and just relax. We ended up both falling asleep on the couch until Paxton needed our attention again 3 hours later. But for those 3 hours, we snuggled. We snuggled and we didn't think about anything else. Just each other.

If snuggling is not your thing, that's okay. The point of this post is to help you not forget to connect (in whatever way you want) with your partner. Unfortunately, kids, work, and other daily stressors can cause us to "forget" about working on our relationship. Don't let this happen! Remember to snuggle.

"instagram love" photo contest

2012-07-16T08:30:00.000-04:00

As part of the "One Year Anniversary Extravaganza" for my book, I'm hosting FOUR contest giveaways that will all end in the month of August (this one will end in the third week). Each contest winner will receive a FREE signed copy of my book. Already have a copy of my book? That's okay! You can still enter- my book makes a great gift!

This contest is one of my favorites: a photo contest!

I've had a lot of fun with the last two photo contests (see the contest photo albums on my Facebook page HERE and HERE) and I've decided to do another! And since this is the one year anniversary month of my book being released (it came out in August 2011), the theme of the contest will focus on my book's chapter titles AND the winner of this contest will get a free SIGNED copy of my book (if you already have one, that's okay- as I said, they make a great gift!).

In case you didn't know already, my book's title is: "Make Love, Not Scrapbooks: And 9 Other Research-Based Love Tips to Intensify Your Relationship" (read about the book HERE) and the 10 chapter titles are as follows:

Be Supportive
Generate Some Blushing (about complimenting)
Talk
Contemplate, Decide, Astonish (about gift-giving)
Don't Worry, Be Happy (about being positive)
Laugh
Make Love, Not Scrapbooks (about having a satisfying sex life)
Heart the Hell Out of Your Mate (about saying "I love you")
Add in a Dash of Spice (about keeping things interesting)
Manage that Conflict

There's also an "extra" 11th chapter called (of course) Extra Love Tips which includes tips like: Listen, Dish Out Some R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Accept, and Trust.

Chapter 11: Extra Love Tips- Trust

You can also see a few quotes from within the book HERE and read a few book reviews HERE.

So where does the Instagram part come in? I'm glad you asked. I heart Instagram! I don't have a smart phone (I know, it's totally lame), but Hus does! I feel like I'm always asking Hus for his phone to take a pic of one of our kids to Instagram it and then post it to my personal Facebook page or blog. I just love taking pics of things and then using all of the cool filters to make the pics look more interesting. C'mon, you know you love it, too!

Let's review. I'm challenging you to take a photo of something (ANYTHING) that you think represents one of the chapters in my book. Imagine I've hired you as a photographer for my book and you have to take a photo for me to print in one of the chapters. For instance, you might take a photo of someone blushing for chapter 2 or a photo of something spouses argue about for chapter 10. ANYTHING will do. Then, use one of Instagram's filters and email it to me (jenslovelessons@gmail.com). Sound good?

Here are the details (one more time!):

Take a photo of something that you think epitomizes one of my chapter topics. It can be a photo of anything- you and your partner, your kids, your pets, your friends and family, your house, your coffee mug, your car, anything!
Instagram it.
Email it to me at jenslovelessons@gmail.com-- put "Instagram Photo Contest" in the subject line and tell me what chapter your photo is connected to. Please get your photo to me by August 1, 2012 at 10pm (EST).
I will create an album on my Facebook fan page with all of the submissions on August 2nd.
I will then open the album for votes. Anyone will be able to "LIKE" a photo to cast their vote (which means that anyone can vote for as many photos as they want, but they can only vote for each photo once). You can also advertise your photo on your own Facebook page to get more votes (i.e. "likes").
I'll keep the album open for votes until August 11, 2012 at 10pm (EST).
The owner of the photo with the most "likes" will receive a signed copy of my book!!!
Sorry, but you can only submit ONE photo to this contest.

Pretty sweet, huh? I think so.

So, get out your camera phone or start searching through the thousands of pictures on your phone to Instagram and send me. I'm waiting...

"we need to talk": 11 topics to discuss before baby makes three

2012-07-11T14:07:00.003-04:00

The nine months leading up to the birth of your first baby are filled with excitement, anticipation, and for many, immense anxiety (hell, you'll experience these feelings with all of your pregnancies). There's so much to prepare for, worry about, and acquire (babies need a ton of stuff!) before your bundle of joy makes an appearance. And after he or she is welcomed into the world, your life becomes consumed by this new little person. All of your time and energy is put towards caring for, thinking about, and just loving your new baby. During the first few months (and maybe even years), many people will fail to put in the work needed to keep their relationship with their spouse afloat. It won't be intentional, just a unconscious (and totally normal) response to adding a new, helpless, attention-draining person to your family. Unfortunately, this will create a good amount of conflict between you and your partner.

But there is hope! Many of the little tiffs, moderate disagreements, and seemingly relationship-ending screaming matches during this time will be brought on by things that could have been avoided if you and your partner spent a little more time talking about the challenges that parenthood inevitably brings prior to becoming parents. The key is to get the conversation about these things started while you're pregnant and then keep the lines of communication open well after baby makes three.

Not sure what to discuss? Below are 11 topics to bring up in those short nine months before your world is turned upside down (don't worry- it's not that bad) so that you can make your post-baby life a hell of a lot easier (believe me, you're going to need all of the help you can get). In addition, I split the topics up into "serious" things and "fun" things so you're not talking about such heavy subjects all of the time. I've also given you a few resources for each topic. Choose a topic, read the articles separately, and then come together to share your thoughts on the subject. You could spend anywhere from a few minutes to a few weeks discussing each talking point. However you decide to do it, having these conversations will help you and your partner avoid some of the typical post-baby conflict.

Here are some serious things:

Childcare. What are your thoughts on childcare? Do you want to have one parent stay home or will both of you work? If you take the stay-at-home route, who will fulfill that role and for how long (some families will return to dual-income households after all children have started kindergarten)? If you decide to both work, do you want an in-home nanny, a family member, a daycare in an individual's home, or a childcare center caring for your child? How are you going to pay for childcare? Conversation Resources: Click HERE and HERE to read articles that compare the typical childcare options.
Nursing. Do you want to breast feed? If yes and everything works out (many women have a lot of trouble in this area- including me with our twins), how long do you want to nurse (a few weeks, months, or years)? When do you think you'll start introducing bottles (either of breast milk or formula) so that your significant other can also feed the baby? Conversation Resources: Check out these articles (HERE and HERE) about the pros and cons of breast feeding.
Chores. How do you want to divvy up the daily chores that come with having a newborn? For instance, I nurse our newborn boy as much as possible (he gets a bottle of breast milk about once a day) and so if Hus and I are together, Hus will change our newborn's diaper and burp him when I'm done nursing him. This helps us balance the workload in that area. You should also re-evaluate the regular daily household chores. If you're nursing, you will be unavailable a lot during the day, so your significant other may have to pick up more of your chores during the first few months so that you both don't loose your sanity due to a messy house. Talk about your household chores and all of the new chores you anticipate having with a new baby and discuss how you plan to divide them. Conversation Resources: Take a look at these articles (HERE and HERE) about post-baby chores and how to divide them.
Discipline. What are your thoughts on discipline? Do you believe in spanking, time-out, logical reasoning, or some kind of combination? How old do you think discipline can or should begin? I can't tell you how many couples I know who argue about this. One parent thinks the other one is too tough, while the other parent thinks his/her spouse is too lenient. Being on the same team with discipline is one of the best things you can do for your child. Talk about how you plan to deal with certain behavioral problems and try to come to a consensus about things. For example, Hus and I try to clearly state the rules about different situations before any rules are broken so that our twins are clear about what they should be doing. We also use time-out and logical reasoning when our kids break the rules (which seems like several hundred times a day). Talk about it now and then remember to continuously talk about discipline as your children get older. And try your hardest to avoid criticizing how your partner disciplines your children (especially in front of said children). If you have a problem with what your partner is doing, have a private discussion with them later, when you're both calm. Keeping the lines of communication open here is very important. Conversation Resources: Click HERE for more information on discipline.
Adjusting. How do you plan to cope with the major adjustment you will need to make when baby arrives? Having a new baby changes everything. Your routine, date nights, and conversation topics will all change. Probably the most difficult things to deal with are the lack of sleep, intimacy, and free time you and your mate will experience. While you can't do much to avoid these things, recognizing that they will happen is half the battle. Talk about how you plan deal with sleeping. Maybe only one of you is going to wake up in the night (this will likely be the case if you are exclusively breast feeding), or maybe you're going to switch back and forth every other night, or maybe you're going to split the night in half (Hus and I did this with our twins- he took care of them before 2am and I took care of them after 2am), or maybe you're both going to wake up through out the night and split up the duties at each feeding/changing (for instance, one of you might feed baby while the other might change baby's diaper). As for intimacy, you're going to have to work really hard at this one. Continue to talk to one another after baby arrives (this may seem obvious, but I can't tell you how easy it is to forget to talk to each other; especially when all that you want to do is be with your new precious baby). Express your love and appreciation to your spouse on a daily basis. And compliment your partner when he or she does anything worthy of praise. When it comes to a lack of physical intimacy, it might not be such a bad time to start scheduling sex (after the first six weeks of course). You both will feel so over-worked and over-tired in those first few months that sex will be one of the last things on your mind and/or your partner's mind. And, sex is important! Don't let your sex life be a casualty of having a baby. Conversation Resources: Click HERE and HERE to read articles about adjusting to becoming new parents and HERE to read more about adjusting to motherhood the first, second, and third time around. Also, HERE is a post I wrote about scheduling sex and HERE is a post I wrote about the importance of an active and satisfying sex life.

And here are a few fun things:

Dating. Dating is going to be different when you have a baby, but it's very important that you make time for one another. With a new baby around, it is difficult (and expensive!) to get away. One of the best ways to solve this problem is to have date nights at home. You could watch a movie, get dressed up for a candle-lit dinner, dance in your living room, have another couple over for a double-date, or share fondue. Talk about three new date nights you could have. What can you do at home? How can you make an at-home date night special? How often would you like to commit to at-home date nights (one a week, bi-monthly, or monthly)? Conversation Resources: Check out a few stay-at-home date ideas HERE, HERE, and HERE.
Names. Figuring out what you're going to name your little peanut is probably one of the more fun things to do- at least it is for us! I absolutely love talking about names with Hus (even when we're not pregnant!). Make a list of names you each like (first and middle) and compare. Do you want to have family names? Do you want all of your children to have similar names (either by first letter or sound)? You also need to talk about if you're going to share your names choices with family and friends. The benefit of doing this is that you don't have to keep it a secret (it's hard!), but the downside is that everyone has an opinion and you may not want to hear them. Conversation Resources: HERE's a link to my all-time favorite baby-naming website (the NameVoyager and NameMapper sections are awesome). HERE's another fun site- one of my friends actually named her daughter the third option she was given! I just love everything about these two sites.
Old traditions. Think back your childhood (and have your partner do the same). What was a family tradition or fun activity you did as a child that you want to do with your own child? Why did you like doing this as a kid? Would you like to do this activity monthly, yearly, or something else? Reminiscing about happy memories from your childhood is a great way to grow closer as a couple and it's fun to talk about fun things in your future together. And, family traditions help children feel included and loved, which is always a good thing. Conversation Resources: I don't really have any resources here. Just think back over your past and have fun sharing with your spouse.
New traditions. As I already noted, family traditions are great. And while passing down traditions from generation to generation is good, starting your own makes your nuclear family special. Talk about creating a new tradition for your new little family. Think of something that you or your partner did not do as children. For instance, Hus and I started a Christmas Tree tradition with our kids where each year, the kiddos get to pick the color of the tree the following year. Then after Christmas, we all go shopping in the clearance racks for the following year's color(s). We put all of the stuff in a box and then wait until the following year to decorate the tree. It's fun because our tree looks a little different each year and who doesn't love shopping in the clearance aisle! Conversation Resources: Click HERE, HERE, and HERE to read about how to create family traditions.
Love Lists. I've written several posts about the importance of writing spousal love letters or love lists (see HERE and HERE). This time, I want you to make a list about why you think your partner will be a good parent. Just write down ten reasons. And share these reasons with your spouse sometime in the final weeks of your pregnancy (maybe on your last date night before baby). Conversation Resources: See my past posts HERE and HERE about this topic.
Promise Lists. Make a promise list (similar to wedding vows) of things you will try your hardest to do and not do when baby arrives. For instance, "I promise to ask for help before I become overwhelmed and agitated" or "I promise to make requests instead of demands." Read them to each other prior to baby's arrival and return to them several times after baby is born. You might even want to hang them on a wall in your house so that you can both remember your promises to each other. Conversation Resources: Read this great article about pre-conception vows.

I know, having a baby is supposed to be an incredibly joyous time in your life. And it is. Well, most of it. To make those happy moments more abundant, have these discussions prior to your little bundle arriving. Because as you will soon find out, EVERYTHING is easier before baby makes three.

Surfing the net for baby supplies? Here are three of my fav products:

one year book anniversary extravaganza!

2012-07-10T09:52:00.000-04:00

I can't believe it's been a year already! I released my first book, "Make Love, Not Scrapbooks: And 9 Other Research-Based Love Tips to Intensify Your Relationship," on August 1st last year. To celebrate, I thought I'd host a One Year Book Anniversary Extravaganza during the entire month of August. Here's the deal: next month, I will have FOUR contests (one each week) where a lucky reader will win a SIGNED copy of my book!

Already have a copy? That's okay; you can still enter! They make a great gift!

While I will begin each contest at least two weeks prior to the deadline (meaning that some will start in July), they will each end during a different week in August. Here's a sneak peak of the contest titles and deadlines:

The "Pin and Win Contest" will end on Sunday, August 5th
The "Instagram Love Contest" will end on Sunday, August 12th
The "Fill-in-the-Love Photo Contest" will end on Sunday, August 19th
The "Share the Love Contest" will end on Sunday, August 26th

You can enter any and all of these four contests. Each winner will be announced the Monday following the end of the contest and you'll receive your free SIGNED copy of my book by the end of that week.

Stay tuned for the start of the first contest on July 15th!

"don't talk to me like that": 3 ways disrespect damages your relationship

2012-07-06T07:41:00.001-04:00

Demeaning, criticizing, emasculating and cursing. Unfortunately, many of us have engaged in one of these activities with a spouse at one point or another. Contrary to popular belief (yes, that was a little sarcasm), these actions are completely inappropriate, terribly unacceptable, and extremely damaging to
a relationship's success.

I'm always amazed by the amount of people who seem to understand the gravity of the impact that this kind of language has on other human beings, yet continue to use these destructive communication strategies in heated (and even not-so-heated) interactions with their partners. For example, I know a couple where both parties consistently tell one another to "fuck off" when in an argument. Now I'm surely not the swear-word police (many have said that I curse like a sailor), but I have NEVER EVER said "fuck you" to Hus or told him to go fuck himself or anything remotely like that. I would never stoop to that level of disrespect with him. And he has never said anything that disrespectful to me. That kind of language is just not part of our relationship's vocabulary. Cursing around your partner is completely different from cursing at your partner. I just don't get how you can talk to your mate that way and get away with it. I don't know about you, but if Hus told me to go fuck myself every time we got into a disagreement, we would have a major problem (a problem that would likely be a deal-breaker in our marriage).

Using hurtful words with your spouse is not the only way to disrespect. Criticizing (most of us don't even realize we're doing it!), name-calling, interacting with members of the opposite sex in a way that you would not if your partner was present, using negative humor, threatening your partner or the status of your relationship, flirting with other people, giving ultimatums, belittling your partner's ideas/thoughts/beliefs, talking negatively about your partner behind his or her back, and bossing your partner around are more sure-fire ways to engage in disrespect. If you want your relationship or marriage to succeed, these negative behaviors need to be completely eliminated from your spousal interactions.

Still don't think these things are that big of a deal? Below are three consequences of disrespectful communication.

It can create the dreaded parent-child relationship.

Disrespect, especially emasculation and criticism, can easily cause one partner to take on the role of parent, leaving the other partner to become the child. Sadly, the media normalizes the parent-child relationship as typical in American marriages, with bossy, bitchy women controlling their dumb, child-like husbands. The media’s influence coupled with the pressure of traditional gender roles passed down from generation to generation causes many women to become mothers to their husbands and husbands to simply become an additional child for their wives to raise. Many of you are in this situation right now. And some of you are perfectly happy with taking charge and being the “single parent.” But I would venture to say that there are more of you who are not fine with the current status quo. It’s okay. You can turn things around. Begin looking at your partner like the adult that he is. You didn’t marry him because he was a cute little kid who you wanted to take care of for the rest of your life. You married him (most likely) because he was a man who you fell in love with. And as a man, he needs to be treated like one. This means that you cannot do everything for him. Let go of the control. This also means that you cannot criticize the way that he does things. Shut your mouth. This also means that you cannot tell him what to do. He is a grown-ass man. He can figure out his own life. This also means that he needs to pull his own weight. Talk about household chores, child-raising duties, and errands. Divvy them up in a way that makes both of you happy. The bottom line: stop being your husband’s mother. You and I both know that you’re sick of it.

It can make your partner hate him or herself.

Research shows that criticism from a trusted and/or loved other breads self-hate in the target of the criticism. Whenever I think about this, it makes me terribly sad. For a human being to have that much control over how another human being sees him or herself is so upsetting to me. But many of us have no idea when we're engaging in criticism. There's a clear distinction between positive and negative communication here. For instance, complaining about a specific action your partner has done (“I can’t believe you didn’t do the dishes yesterday!”) is not criticism. Instead, criticism leaves the realm of the specific and attacks a person’s character (“You never to the dishes!”). Saying something like, “You never do the dishes” has several implications. It’s most likely not true that your partner NEVER does this dishes. But by you saying that, you partner might infer that you think he or she is lazy, good-for-nothing, or even worthless. When you use terms like “always” or “never” to describe a person’s behavior, it’s criticism. Eliminating these words from your vocabulary is one of the best ways to avoid being critical, learn to effectively complain, and steer clear of breeding self-hate in the person you love.

It can end your relationship.

While some of you out there will put up with disrespect for one reason or another, most of us (including me!) will not. And let me add that nobody should have to put up with it. There isn’t a person out there who is worth it. The end.

Overall, it is vital that no matter how agitated, angry, or pissed off you get, you avoid disrespecting your spouse at all costs. This is what mature love is about. And always remember that your partner has feelings (we all do). Speak to him or her as if you are being considerate of them.

Still interested in this topic? See some of my other posts HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE.

it's been a while: why i've been missing-in-action

2012-06-29T14:43:00.003-04:00

I'm back. Okay, maybe not writing-a-few-posts-every-week "back," but back none the less. And I have a good excuse for dissing you all for so long. Really. I do.

Okay so first, I found out I was pregnant in September of 2011. I know, I know. We already have twins (who just turned 3 last month) and we already have a boy and a girl, so what were we thinking? Well, the best answer I have is that Hus and I both love kids, we have a great equal (for the most part) partnership, and we just wanted to.

Then, I was pregnant. And working full-time. And dealing with twin toddlers. Every. Single. Day.

I will say that the first half of this pregnancy was much easier than the first half of my last one. But then around week 25, my doctor became worried because my cervix had shortened to a dangerous length (click HERE to read more about what a short cervix means for your pregnancy) and I was put on strict bed rest. I had to stop working, park my rear on the couch, and take some daily meds. I was allowed to make one trip up and down our stairs each day, use the restroom when needed, and take a shower every other day. But other than that, I was expected to remain horizontal for at least 95% of my day. It was awful. And I did it for TEN LONG WEEKS.

Even though I was absolutely mortified when I heard those dreadful words, "You're going to have to go on strict bed rest," I thought that I would be able to get more writing done. No sir, this was not the case. Being on bed rest not only made me more tired (and achy and irritated) than expected, but I was in our chaotic, noisy (our twins only went to school one day a week) living room for most of the day, making it nearly impossible for me to concentrate.

Once my bed rest was lifted (at 36 weeks), I only had one week and 2 days before I went into labor and baby #3 made his entrance into the world. Our son, Paxton, was born on May 21st and life has been all-but-calm since then.

So, that's it. That's why I've been MIA for so long. Sorry. Don't take it personally. It wasn't you, it was me. I'm back now and that's what really matters, right?

Here's what you have to look forward to over the next several months:

Posts about maintaining your relationship after baby.
Tips for effective conflict interactions.
Ideas for keeping the spark alive in your relationship.
Reviews of relationship/marriage/sex books and products.
Lists of other great online articles.
Contests and giveaways.

Stay tuned!

pinning for love: can pinterest get you a date?

2012-04-19T16:22:00.000-04:00

When I saw an article about this exact topic posted on my friend's Facebook page recently, I can honestly say that I thought it was a joke. Finding love on Pinterest? Really?

Well apparently, Sean Roberts (pictured on the left) is quite serious. It started off as a bit of a joke between co-workers, with Sean laughing about getting a date via Pinterest because of how many women use the site. His female co-worker "pinned" a photo of Roberts (with his contact information and "Repin my cute coworker! He's single and ready to mingle!" in the description) on one of her boards. His photo was repinned several times over and he received numerous phone calls and emails in the days that followed.

While Roberts has yet to find his one true love (Are you interested? Check out his Pinterest page), he plans to continue to use Pinterest in this manner in hopes of finding her one day...