jen's love lessons

creepers, casanovas, & friends with benefits: decoding dating slang of the 21st century

2012-01-27T10:08:00.000-05:00

I teach undergraduates. And I listen to them talk to each other (because I'm nosey like that). And several times a day, I think, "What the hell are they talking about?" Sometimes, I ask them. And then I'm confused. Not about the definition they provide, but about the fact that I had no knowledge about the term in question.

I don't understand. I'm with it. I'm down. At least I thought I was.

Well, in case the rest of you want to brush up your love lingo, here's a list of some surprising (and not-so-surprising) definitions of today's slang.

Creep/Creeper

A person who is engaging in a mild form of stalking. It is usually used to describe a person who is making unwanted advances towards another person or even a person who is continuing to make direct or indirect advances after the targeted individual has clearly refused them. Other people may use the verb form of creep to explain anyone approaching someone he or she is romantically interested in.

Smush

To have sex.

Casanova

A popular male who is highly successful in courting women.

Friends with Benefits

Two individuals who are engaging in sexual interactions together with limited to no emotional attachment or commitment.

Recapping

Talking about a sexual experience with a partner directly following the interaction. Think of it like a play-by-play of your sex life. The couple will discuss the ups and downs of their recent sexual encounter.

DTF

This acronym represents the saying, Down to Fuck. In essence, DTF describes a female who is ready to have (usually casual) sex with a man. Men will describe women in this manner when they have come to this realization through interaction with her.

And for your viewing pleasure, here's a cute video about three more slang terms that are used in the dating world... by real people, apparently.

quick love tip: show your appreciation

2012-01-22T16:41:00.004-05:00

When was the last time your partner thanked you? Better yet, when was the last time YOU thanked your partner? I have to say, Hus does so much for me on a daily basis that I could never truly thank him enough. But I try. At least once every single day, I tell Hus "thank you" for something specific (and that doesn't include all of those thing I should already be thanking him for-- like for holding the door or getting me something) or I'll say that I appreciate him for his general contributions to our family and marriage.

I learned at a young age that appreciation was not only key to building relationships with other people, but that it also has the ability to make you a much happier individual. When you thank people, especially about positive things that are happening in your life, you begin to realize just how great your life is.

Think about what your spouse does for you and thank him or her. Today. Go ahead, you can do it.

great expectations: how being realistic is key to your relationship's success

2012-01-13T10:04:00.000-05:00

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its

ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing

that it is stupid." ~Albert Einstein

As I've said time and time again, relationships are tough. There are so many factors that go into creating a good relationship and it can easily become overwhelming if and when one or both partners don't put in the effort needed to keep their relationship afloat. One of these said factors is being realistic. It is vital that you and your partner are realistic about who each other are and what you each are capable of and willing to do.

For instance, I am fully aware that Hus is not going to start planning all of our date nights. It's just not who he is. Sure, he'll plan a date night here and there, but all of them? Nope, that's what I do; I'm the planner. And while many of my friends get agitated when their husbands don't plan their date nights, it doesn't bother me. Because I know that I shouldn't judge Hus by his ability or willingness to plan a date; nor should I get upset about it. It's just not who he is and I don't want him to feel inferior because he doesn't like or want to plan a date.

When I hear people complaining about their spouses or singles complaining about the type of people who are available to them, I wonder if they're really being realistic. And when I think about the complaints they're making, in the grand scheme of things, many of these complaints are, well, trivial to say the least.

Nobody is perfect. I'm not, you aren't, and neither is anyone else for that matter. We all have our faults. We all have things about us that can (and do) make other people angry, offended, and/or annoyed. But, at the same time, we also all have virtuous characteristics that make others gravitate towards us. Let's try to remember those positive things and be realistic about all of those things that piss us off.

The bottom line is if you raise the expectations you have for your spouse to a place that is unattainable, not only will you be disappointed, but your spouse will feel stupid for not being able to reach those goals.

just for the love of it: relationship resolutions for 2012

2012-01-02T08:09:00.003-05:00

Last year, I wrote about 5 new year's resolutions that you could make to enhance your relationship in 2011. Then, I wrote about a few of those resolutions again here, here, and here. Well, 2011 has come and gone and it's that time of year again. Below are my (and maybe some of your) relationship resolutions for 2012.

Avoid criticism. Hus and I are pretty good about this one, but every once in awhile, criticism will creep back into our communication interactions. So, what is criticism? Well, it's different from complaining (which can actually be helpful in your relationship). Where complaints can sometimes be helpful (allowing people to take note and possibly make a change), criticism tends to attack a person's character by blaming and generalizing the issue beyond the behavior in question. For example, "I felt like you didn't support me yesterday when I was sad" is an example of complaining, while "You never support me" is an example of criticism. Researchers agree with the idea that criticism tends to have negative outcomes. In fact, criticism has been linked to feelings of embarrassment (Fitness, 2001) and lower relationship satisfaction (Cutrona, 1996) within the person being criticized. Eliminating words like "always" and "never" when describing your partner's behavior will help with this. Be specific when complaining about something your mate has done to upset, sadden, or infuriate you. It can be terribly hurtful and damaging to your relationship when you criticize the person you love. You can read more about criticism here.
Have an out-of-the-house date night at least once a month. Last year, one of my suggestions was to have a date night at least twice a month. This hasn't gone over too well in our house. With two kids and otherwise hectic schedules, it has been very difficult to get out for a night on the town. Don't get me wrong, we've definitely been able to have several in-the-house date nights after the kiddos go off to bed, but getting out--not so much. So this year, I really want to try to have an out-of-the-house date night once a month. In fact, Hus and I have planned a date night next weekend for January. Here's hoping we can keep this one up for all 12 months!
Say "I'm sorry" more often. You know, I make my kids do this several times a day, but I seem to forget the importance of taking responsibility for my own actions. Saying "I'm sorry" is something that many of us, including myself, forget to do. So many times, Hus will be upset about something I said or did and I'll brush it off by telling him, "I didn't mean that; quit being so sensitive!" And writing it out doesn't make me feel so great. I usually want to take it back right after I say it, too. It's a terrible ting to say. It's important to take responsibility for my intended or unintended actions. Because at the end of the day, I hurt Hus' feelings. So, it doesn't really matter if I meant it or not. I need to just say, "I'm sorry" and work towards a solution to make things better. Click here to read more about apoligizing.

These are my relationship resolutions. Do you have any relationship resolutions for 2012?

References

Cutrona, C. E. (1996). Social support as a determinant of marital quality: The interplay of negative and supportive behaviors. In G. R. Pierce, B. R. Sarason, & I. G. Sarason (Eds.). Handbook of social support and the family. New York: Plenam Press.
Fitness, J. (2001). Betrayal, rejection, revenge, and forgiveness: An interpersonal script approach. In M.R. Leary (Ed.). Interpersonal rejection, (pp. 73-103). New York: Oxford University Press.

the podcast is up!

2011-12-21T14:43:00.004-05:00

Last week, I was the guest on the Intimate Chats radio show with Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird to talk about my book (Make Love, Not Scrapbooks).

If you didn't get to check it out last Friday, you're in luck!

You can still listen to the show by clicking HERE.

Radio Show TONIGHT!

2011-12-16T14:23:00.004-05:00

Tune in TONIGHT at 7pm (I'll be on around 7:20) to hear me talk about love, relationships, and my book (Make Love, Not Scrapbooks)!

You can listen to it LIVE online (by clicking on the link below) or listen to it later via podcast (also by clicking on the link below).

Intimate Chats Radio Show

book excerpt: gift-giving

2011-12-13T11:00:00.002-05:00

While watching the several hundred commercials on television that try to get me to buy lavish gifts for my family and friends this year, I wonder where the real meaning of the holidays has gone. I get it; the holidays are a time for giving gifts to your loved ones, but a Lexus? A diamond ring? Really? Is all of that necessary?

This inundation of commercialism and materialism got me thinking about a chapter from my book. So, I thought I'd reprint it here. Enjoy.

An Excerpt from Chapter 4 of my book:

Make Love, Not Scrapbooks

In the beginning of our relationship, Hus (my then boyfriend) bought me a watch. It was a really nice watch- an expensive watch. But, I was young, and, I didn’t (and still don’t) care for expensive things, especially expensive jewelry. I’m just a bargain-hunting, knock-off-wearing, ridiculously-pricey-shit-that-I-could-find-at-Target-despising kind of girl. I thought Hus knew this. Apparently, he didn’t. As I unwrapped the box and saw the Seiko label, I thought to myself, “What the hell is this?” About a second or two later, I had the box open. And there it was--a bright and shiny, brand new, extravagant watch. I took off my “Oops I Did It Again” Britney Spears watch (c’mon people, it was the late 90s, the watch was bright pink, and it played her music as the alarm) and fastened the white gold, fancy-schmancy watch to my wrist.

Looking down at it, I felt like Hus didn’t know anything about me. Did he ever listen to anything I said? If he did, it would have been obvious that I wasn’t one of “those girls.” I showed the watch to my best friend, and she completely agreed that it was an odd gift… for me at least. Needless to say, this was one surprise that did not go into my gift hall of fame and it did not make me feel loved.

Interestingly, Dr. Elizabeth Dunn, Ph.D., at the University of British Columbia along with her colleagues actually looked at how gift-giving impacts romantic relationships.* To examine this issue, the researchers had couples come into a lab and individually rank four gift certificates based on their own personal preferences. Next, they were asked to pick the best gift certificate for their partners. The participants were then individually told that their partners had chosen a gift certificate for them. Participants were lastly asked to evaluate the perceived similarity they had with their partners and their relationship’s future potential. A little confusing?

Let me clarify with an example: Jack and Jill are dating and they decide to participate in this study. Once they arrive at the lab, Jack and Jill each rank four gift certificates based on their own preferences. Jill then picks the best one for Jack and Jack picks the best one for Jill. Jack is shown the gift certificate that Jill chose for him, and vice versa. Finally, Jack and Jill take a survey evaluating their relationship. Simple, right? Well, what made the study interesting was that the researchers actually chose the gift certificates for each participant based on the initial responses they each provided about their own preferences. The researchers manipulated the study so that participants were told that their partners either chose their most favorite gift certificate (which would be considered a “good” gift) or their least favorite gift certificate (which would be considered a “bad” gift).

Like many things, men and women responded very differently to this task. Men who thought they had received a “bad gift” from their partner reported less similarity with them and also stated that they thought their relationships would be shorter than men who received “good gifts” from their partners. Give a man a bad gift and it may negatively affect your relationship. Women, on the other hand, actually reported more similarity and longer projected relationship lengths when they received a “bad gift” than women who received a “good gift”. I know what you’re thinking. No, this does not mean that women like bad gifts. Instead, the researchers believed that women might have felt forced to think about all of the positive aspects of their relationships and their partners because the “bad gift” caused them to worry about the status of their relationships. “Are we not close enough?” While men likely felt hurt by the fact that their partners did not know them well enough to choose the gift certificate that they would have been most excited about, women probably made excuses for their partners’ choices to help “save their relationship” that was so obviously failing. Clearly, the responses by both men and women are not healthy for your relationship. The take-home message: spend time getting to know your partner so that you can easily think of thoughtful gifts that he or she will absolutely love.

Okay, back to my story. Looking back, I think I did make some excuses for Hus when he gave me that watch. “He’s never given me a bad gift before. He had good intentions. He’ll do better next time.” Don’t worry, Hus fully redeemed himself a few gifts later. He made me a wooden trunk with our names burned into the front and notches on the back for every year we had been together. He has since added a new notch each subsequent year (there are currently eleven notches adorning the back of this treasure). Over the years, I have slowly filled this trunk with hundreds of keepsakes related to our relationship. I love that I can open it anytime, take a few things out, and reminisce about each memory inside. I adored this trunk when he gave it to me, and I love it everyday when I look at it in my office. It’s one of my favorite gifts of all time. And, it’s probably one of the least expensive gifts he’s ever given me.

While most homemade gifts don’t cost a lot of money, they can become more valuable to your partner than any Xbox, iPod, or a pair of expensive earrings.

*Dunn, E. W., Huntsinger, J., Lun, J., & Sinclair, S. (2008). The gift of similarity: How good and bad gifts influence relationships. Social Cognition, 26, 469-481.

when your husband loves two women: the pros and cons of marrying a mama's boy

2011-11-18T13:30:00.000-05:00

I married a Mama's Boy. There, I said it. Hus is a Mama's Boy, definitely not as much as he was when I first met him, but a Mama's Boy nonetheless. Unfortunately, I think that many mama-loving-men get a bad rap. And while I agree with many of the anti-Mama's-Boy arguments at times, for the most part, the pros tend to outweigh the cons. So, let's get down to business. Below is my list of the main pros and cons (that I and other people I know have experienced) when marrying a Mama's Boy.

PRO: Mama's Boys are respectful towards women. This is a bit of a no-brainer. When a young boy grows up very close to his mother, he tends to value her as a person, which makes him respect her. When young boys respect their mothers, they generally will also respect other women. Hus respects all women; especially me.

CON: A Mama's Boy may put his Mama before his wife from time to time. Since they have such a strong relationship with their mothers, Mama's Boys may have a tough time detaching from their mothers when they attach to their new spouse. Well, let's be serious, a lot of this responsibility falls on the Mamas, too. A Mama of a Mama's Boy may make it very difficult for a new woman to come into her son's life. When you're dating, there isn't much you can do about this. But, once you're married, your husband (not you) must put his foot down with his mother (if this is a problem) so that he can focus his time and energy on strengthening your marriage. The two of you have become a team (you can read more about this idea in my book) and he needs to realize that his mother is no longer part of his immediate team (she should still be part of his life, but just not as much as she was pre-marriage).

PRO: Mama's Boys are polite and considerate. Hus is one of the most polite men I have ever met. When we first started dating, I was completely shocked by his politeness (he would open doors for me, pull my chair out at dinner, always say his pleases and thank yous, etc.). This is definitely a skill taught by mothers to their sons. And interestingly, even now, Hus cares more about our twins being polite than I do.

CON: Mama's Boys may allow their Mamas to get involved in your marriage. This is a big one. Unless your Mama's Boy is willing to tell his Mama to butt out, she will likely be involved in your business as much as she wants to be. You see, Mamas of Mama's Boys tend to want the best for them so badly that they are willing to insert their opinions about everything having to do with your newly created shared life. You know the phrase, "Mother knows best"? Well, that was created by Mamas of Mama's Boys to justify their desire to tell them what to do (Just kidding! I have no idea where that phrase came from).

PRO: Mama's Boys tend to be more in-tune with their emotions and understand the importance of sharing them with their spouse. This is also a BIG one. I can't tell you how many times I talk to women who desperately wish that their husbands would talk to them more often or at least just be more open about about their feelings. In my experience, Mama's Boys are rather comfortable expressing their points of view, inner thoughts, and emotions. I don't know about you, but in my opinion, this pro kind of trumps the cons.

In the end, Mama's Boys can be difficult to be with at times, but their respectful, polite, comfortable demeanors can make it all worth it.

media love: train

2011-11-15T12:34:00.001-05:00

My and Hus' song is Meet Virginia by Train. I absolutely LOVE that song. It was the first song we ever danced to and the last song we danced to at our wedding. Whenever I hear it, I feel overwhelmed with love for Hus. I remember why we fell in love and I reflect upon how our love has grown over the last 11 plus years together.

Well, Train got me again with one of their more recent songs: Marry Me. I just love it. I love the whole song, but I totally get chocked up when he sings, "You wear white and I'll wear out the words 'I love you' and 'You're beautiful.'" I can't handle it. Well great, now I'm crying at work. Damn you, Train!

What songs make you feel all lovey-dovey inside?

pinterest love

2011-11-03T11:34:00.001-04:00

I've recently become a little obsessed with Pinterest (Don't know about Pinterest yet? Click HERE to learn more. Already a member, but not yet one of my followers? Click HERE to follow my boards.).

Anywho, I'm in love. Pinterest has given me so many crafty, delicious, love-themed ideas lately, that I'm a bit overwhelmed with it all. Since I don't have the time to make/create/cook/build/bake all of these things, I thought sharing a few of my favs with you here.

Things I've already done:

We had family over a couple of weeks ago and I made each of these dishes...

original source

I recently started a plate collage like this one in our dining room...

original source

Here's the beginning of our attempt at a plate collage:

I've also been working on this scrappy artwork...

original source

Things I plan to do:

I'm definitely making a cinnamon roll wreath this December...

original source

This chalkboard table runner is amazing...

original source

Preplanned date nights...

original source

Things I wish I had the time, money, or energy to do:

I would love a yellow and gray master bedroom...

original source

I would die for an outdoor space like this...

original source

What are your favorite things on Pinterest?

change is not only okay, but it should be expected

2011-11-01T10:47:00.001-04:00

I've had several conversations with friends over the last few months about this. Just last week, my friend told me that her boyfriend told her, "You knew who I was when you met me. I've always been this way; I'm not changing now."

And my other friend's husband recently said this to her, "I feel like I'm not the same person I was when we met," implying that he didn't like the changes taking place.

These phrases, and others like these, are commonly heard in relationships. And when I hear them, my gut reaction is to ~~yell~~ ask "So what?"

So what if you change? So what if you're different after you become committed to another person? Why is change feared by some, given a bad rap by others, and resisted by so many?

I've always been puzzled by the notion that change is bad. At a certain point in any relationship, you begin to integrate your separate lives into a shared life. You start combining your lives physically, emotionally, and communicatively. You may use "we" language, plan your days and nights around each other's schedules, develop joint attitudes and beliefs, and maybe even move in together or get married. This causes you to change who you are. You become a different person. It's inevitable. And, it's not a bad thing. In fact, it should be expected and you should be happy about it. It means that you are growing as a person and as a partner. Individuals who resist this change and attempt to remain completely true to who they were before their relationship are not allowing themselves to become fully connected to their spouses. And in some cases (ex- if you've always been very flirtatious, that needs to end when you're in a committed, monogamous relationship with someone), you are directly disrespecting your spouse by not adapting to your new shared lifestyle.

Hus and I have made HUGE changes from when we were single. Some of this is due to the fact that we grew older, but most of it is because we have grown older together. I would not be the person who I am, believe in the things I believe in, value the qualities in another person that I value, or hold certain attitudes about life that I hold if I was not with Hus. For instance, I never cared about politics before I started dating Hus. At all. AT ALL. But now, you can hear me express my opinion about a wide variety of political issues from time to time. The same thing goes for Hus. For example, Hus used to have certain views about parenting pre-our-relationship that have drastically changed over the years.

The bottom line: IT'S OKAY TO CHANGE! In fact, YOU SHOULD CHANGE!

Have a burning question for me? Here's your chance to ask it! Click HERE to read more about this new video project and how you can submit your question.

flirting in marriage: 3 ways that you can keep flirting after you say "i do"

2011-10-18T10:49:00.000-04:00

Hus and I like to flirt. Not with other people, but with each other. Sometimes we flirt to be playful, other times we flirt to be romantic, and still other times we just flirt to be a little sexual with one another. Flirting with each other, although we're long past the beginning of our courtship (we started dating in 2000 and were married in 2007), is still part of our daily routine. It allows us to show our continued interest in one another and have a little fun in the process.

I recently read an article that supports this idea of flirting during marriage. Researcher Brandi N. Frisby, of the Department of Communication Studies at West Virginia University, examined flirting in marriage by holding in-depth interviews with married couples.

She talked with couples about their relationship from their first meeting all the way to their current marriage. Through detailed coding of the transcribed interviews, Frisby (2009) discovered several themes about flirting in marriage.

During initial courtship all the way up to marriage, individuals tend to flirt to reduce uncertainty about their potential mate and to initiate sexual activity (I think that's a bit of a no-brainer). Ah, young love.

Then when these couples tied the knot, their motivations for flirting shifted. In particular, Frisby's (2009) study revealed 6 motivations for flirting during marriage including: sexual, relational, fun, esteem, creating a private world, and relationship maintenance.

It seems as though flirting in marriage is a bit more complicated than when dating. When you're dating, it's pretty clear; your partner is flirting with you to either get to know you better or get in your pants (or both!). But, when you get married, your partner may be flirting with you to increase their own self-esteem or to just to have fun. After thinking about it more, I realize that this shift in flirting motivations could cause some serious miscommunication between married partners.

What's even more interesting are the gender differences Frisby (2009) found in her interviews. Typically, men reported flirting to initiate or show interest in sex with their wives. On the other hand, women typically reporting flirting in order to have fun.

Reflecting on my own flirting behaviors, I think that Hus and I tend to flirt in create a private world and to maintain our marriage. In addition, Hus definitely flirts to initiate sex much more often than I do. Miscommunication, and all of the lovely issues that come along with it, then ensues.

The bottom line is that flirting in marriage is important. No matter what your motivation, flirting with your partner helps them feel wanted, loved, and it can be really fun. Not sure how to flirt with your mate? Here are three ways that you can flirt with your partner after you get hitched.

In general, flirting involves speaking and behaving in a way that suggests that you would like to maintain or intensify the intimacy in your current relationship. There are several ways that you can accomplish this goal; here are three of them.

Communicate using double entendres. A double entendre is a figure of speech in which a spoken phrase is devised to be understood in either of two ways. One of these meanings tends to be obvious, while the other is a little less clear (it requires some thought). And since your already married and comfortable with your partner, you can have some fun and be a little cheesy. For instance, you could say, "If I said that you have a great body, would you hold it against me?" I know, that was terribly cheesy. But that's okay. It's fun.
Physically touch one another (gasp!). Yes, you may actually have to touch one another when flirting. Getting close when talking, flirting with your eyes (here's an article and video about seducing someone with your eyes), or brushing up against your partner unexpectedly can all show your interest in your spouse.
Talk sexy. You can talk about sexy things to your spouse (here's a great article about the art of talking sexy), compliment your spouse about sexy attributes of his or hers, or just use the tone of your voice to talk sexy. Tone is an important tool in your flirting toolbox. You can easily make anything sound seductive by saying it a certain way.

Flirting is not just for teenagers or dating couples. Flirting in marriage is a great tool to intensify the bond that you two have already created.

Reference

Frisby, B. N. (2009). Without flirting, it wouldn't be a marriage: Flirtatious communication between relational partners. Qualitative Research Reports in Communication, 10 (1), 55-60.

Don't forget!

Have a burning question for me? Here's your chance to ask it! Click HERE to read more about this new video project and how you can submit your question.

"this is love" photo contest

2011-10-17T18:39:00.003-04:00

Several photo entries for the first annual "This is Love" photo contest were collected over the last few weeks. I put them all in an album on my Facebook fan page for your viewing pleasure. Click HERE to see all of the entries.

Now here's the best part. YOU get to choose the winner! Just go to the photo album and cast your vote by "liking" your favorite photo(s). You can vote for as many pictures as you want. I will stop collecting "likes" on October 25, 2011 at 5pm.

Happy voting!

another great book review!

2011-10-10T19:47:00.001-04:00

Not to toot my own horn, but... toot toot! I received another great book review for my new book Make Love, Not Scrapbooks! Erin Cox, the creator of HerInspiredLife.com had some great things to say! Here's a quote from her review:

"I definitely recommend this book if you are looking to give your marriage a little kick-start, and you’d like some fresh ideas and important reminders. Like I said, it is very well written and so enjoyable to read that it even kept me awake while reading at night during my first trimester (which is saying it’s a really great book!). After reading this, I feel like Jennifer is my new friend. You learn a lot about her, her marriage, and her realistic, but wonderful outlook on married life as she and her husband raise twin toddlers. I could relate to so much of what she has experienced, which made reading the book with her personal stories sprinkled throughout that much more enjoyable."

Click HERE to read the full review. Erin also wrote a few posts that were inspired by my book. You can read those posts HERE, HERE, and HERE.

And as always, you can read more about me and my book HERE.

By the way, if you're going to be in the Harrisonburg, VA area on Wednesday, October 19th, stop by Clementine Restaurant for my book signing!

5 conversations for a happy marriage

2011-10-07T10:46:00.000-04:00

Good communication– those exchanges where you feel more loved, respected, or secure–is vital to your marriage’s success. What should you be talking about? Below are five conversations that you can implement into your daily interactions to enhance your marriage.

**The I Love You Talk**

This one probably seems like a bit of a no-brainer, but unfortunately, many individuals let days, weeks, or even months go by without offering assurances to their partners. I cannot begin to express how extremely important it is to tell your partner, on a daily basis, how much you appreciate, adore, and need him or her. Communicating these things helps your partner feel like a significant part of your life, secure in your marriage, and valuable to you. And believe me, everyone wants and needs to feel this way.

**The Sexual Likes & Dislikes Talk**

Having an active and satisfying sex life is key to a healthy, happy marriage. And, one of the best ways to improve your sex life is to open the lines of communication between you and your partner. Studies have revealed that disclosing your sexual likes and dislikes to your spouse can improve your sexual and relationship satisfaction, bring you closer as a couple, increase feelings of intimacy and trust between the two of you, and even increase pleasure during sexual activities. Telling your partner what you like and dislike in the bedroom, however, can be scary and/or overwhelming. These feelings of apprehension are expected and completely acceptable. In order to ease your nerves about these talks and to increase your effectiveness when having this conversation, be sure to:

Maintain a positive tone.
Give clear descriptions of what you want and don’t want.
Be sensitive to your partner’s feelings and perspective.
Be realistic about what could actually be improved. In other words, avoid discussing topics that are not controllable like body shape or size.
Regularly “check in” with your mate because sexual preferences do change over time

**The Daily Activity Talk**

Talking and listening to each other about the day’s ups and downs can have a significant impact on the positive emotions and feelings of closeness you share in your relationship. Talking to your spouse about the positive aspects of your day is more than just small talk. It’s important. According to Drs. Hicks and Diamond (2008), asking your partner about his or her day may lead to increased feelings of happiness, closeness, and intimacy. And these advantages are not just limited to your end-of-day discussions. All of those other little chats through out the day count, too.

**The I Want to Understand You Talk**

Have you ever struggled to understand your partner? We have all felt this way at some point or another. Why did he respond like that? How was I supposed to know what she really meant? How did he get that from our conversation? How did she not understand my point of view? Believe me, I know the feeling.

Sometimes, these misunderstandings can be explained by taking a look at (and then being sensitive to) your partner’s past experiences, core personality traits, and upbringing. Gaining some perspective by putting yourself in your partner’s shoes is a great way to solve and avoid conflict. But, taking your partner’s perspective is only the first step. You also want your partner to understand you. Begin by explaining how something makes you feel. You might use the following sentences as a guide:

“When you say things like _________, it makes me feel _____________.”
“When you react like ___________, it makes me feel _______________.”

Then, give your mate a turn. And LISTEN to what he or she has to say. Really listen. Don’t interrupt. Once your partner finishes, tell your partner how you are trying to understand how he or she feels.

Next, you’ll want to discuss your game plan. What do the two of you need to work on? Note: this will not be one-sided. Both of you will need to work on something. Talk it out and even make pledges to one another about your plans to be better partners who are in tune with one another.

**The Respectful Talk**

Speaking to your spouse with respect is more of a mindset than it is a one-time conversation. Still it is absolutely vital to a happy marriage. If the two of you do not respect one another, your relationship will have some serious problems down the road. Respectful communication includes:

Acknowledging one another’s thoughts and feelings.
Having your partner’s back.
Speaking to your spouse as if he or she is your equal
Including your spouse in your life and in your decision about life (big decisions and smaller, everyday decisions).
Asking (instead of telling) your spouse if he or she wants to do things.
Speaking to your mate in the same manner that you would speak to a stranger. If you wouldn’t say it to a random person on the street, them you probably shouldn’t say it to the person you love.

On the other hand, respectful communication DOES NOT include criticizing your partner. Try to eliminate words like “never” or “always” from your vocabulary because these words are rarely true, are often exaggerated, and usually come just before a hurtful remark. It also doesn’t include belittling or demeaning your partner, making fun of your partner, treating your spouse like a child, bossing him or her around, threatening to leave the relationship (directly or indirectly), or giving ultimatums.

Don't forget!

Have a burning question for me? Here's your chance to ask it! Click HERE to read more about this new video project and how you can submit your question.

gimme a break: the great soulmate debate

2011-10-04T21:25:00.002-04:00

I recently had a conversation with one of my past students about her relationship with her boyfriend of six months (Yes, several of my students randomly email me or come by my office for relationship advice once they find out what I study.). She was concerned that she was wasting her time in her relationship because her and her partner both felt that they were not soulmates yet. She said that she thought he had the potential to be her soulmate, but that so far, he wasn't making the cut. And apparently, he felt the same way. This was the gist of our conversation:

Me: "Why do you feel this way? Are you not attracted to him? Is he mean to you? Do you fight a lot? What is it?"

Past Student: "No no no. We're both attracted to one another, he's not mean, and we haven't ever had an argument." (Ahhh, young love.)

Me:"Well then, what is it?"

Past Student: "We don't have the same hobbies."

Me: "So?"

My past student seemed rather shocked by my response, but the truth of the matter was that I was shocked by her response. Seriously? Having different hobbies is tearing them apart? So what? Who says that two people have to like the same things to be madly in love?

Then, I started to think that she wasn't telling me the whole story. There had to be something else going on that was making her so unhappy. She insisted that this was a HUGE issue in their relationship. I then assured her that not having the same hobbies was not generally a deal-breaker.

"My husband and I don't like the same things, but we're great together. Do you think my husband likes doing crafty things? No, he doesn't. And I don't like going to car shows every single chance I get, but my husband lives for them. As long as you have similar core values, beliefs, and attitudes, you should be good to go."

I continued to talk to her about how having similar values about money, sex, kids, chores, gender roles, religion, and politics are much more important (but still not even necessary) for compatibility than what you like to do on the weekends. But that doesn't mean that you should each have your own completely separate lives, either. You still need to make an effort to go and do the things that he likes and he should do the things that you like every once in awhile. For instance, I don't lurve car shows, but I'll go to one with Hus because I know it's important to him and so that we can spend time together. Same thing goes with the craft stuff. Hus would never go to a public craft-making place on his own (or with anyone else but me, really), but he's taken me to a paint-your-own-pottery place several times. We sit, we paint, and we talk. It's a really nice time for us to bond.

Then, she said, "I just feel like if we don't have the same hobbies, then he's not my soulmate. And I need to find my soulmate."

"What do you mean by soulmate?" I asked.

She continued, "Your soulmate is the one person in the world who you are destined to be with."

"Wait a minute. Do you mean to tell me that we all only have ONE person who is our soulmate? And that we have to look on the entire planet for that person?"

"Well, yeah," she said.

Let's get a couple of things straight. First, "a soulmate is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity, similarity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, or compatibility." Second, it is completely illogical to believe that there is only one person in the world who you can share these feelings with. If we all go around believing that we each only have one soulmate in the world (in the entire world), many of us will never find relationship happiness; especially since most people tend to stay in their country of origin and many people never even leave their original hometown.

Gimme a f-ing break. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but in my opinion, you do not have just one soulmate. And, your relationship is not doomed if you have different hobbies. In fact, that will probably help you each maintain a sense of individuality when you are combining your separate lives into a shared life. My advice to my student? Relax. You're fine. Enjoy your relationship, spend time together, respect each other's hobbies, and let your love for one another grow.

What do you think about the great soulmate debate?

Don't forget!

Enter my "this is love" photo contest and you could win a $100 Target gift card! The contest is ending on October 15, so get creative and start taking some pictures! Oh yeah, and then send your favorite one to me. (FYI: there is a NEW UPDATE about this contest at the bottom of the post- click HERE to read it)
Have a burning question for me? Here's your chance to ask it! Click HERE to read more about this new video project and how you can submit your question.

wise love words: there's help for every relationship

2011-09-29T13:15:00.002-04:00

I recently found this great article on MasterInCounceling.org about "30 exceptional Q&A sites on effective relationship counseling." There are so many awesome resources in this article.

Here are a few of my favs:

100 Premarital Questions: This page is filled with questions offered by SunniPath, the online Islamic Academy. In this culture, there is usually an imam who does 3 sessions or even more of premarital counseling in which the 2 individuals have to respond to a series of questions.

Marriage Counseling Questions To Strengthen Your Relationship: Marriage counseling questions designed to help a couple address problems and enhance their relationship. These questions are typical marriage counseling questions.

Just Answer — Relationship: Recommended by CNN.com, NBC.com, The New York Times, The Washington Post, Good morning America and the Today show, this site allows users to ask questions and obtain answers from relationship counselors.

Click HERE to read the full article!

making a list and checking it twice: 29 things to do before you tie the knot

2011-09-26T04:00:00.000-04:00

Talk about how many children you each want. And talk about why you feel the way you do.
Go on one last vacation as an unmarried couple.
Read a book about how or why marriages fail. Try THIS ONE. And talk to each other about how you plan to deal with any of the issues you read about.
Write a love letter to give to your partner the night before your wedding.
Figure out how you each prefer to spend and save money.
Create a budget and make a plan about how you money is actually going to be spent.
Talk about experiences from your past where you both had fun and laughed together. Interestingly, reminiscing about laughter from your shared past can significantly improve your relationship satisfaction.
Write out a list of reasons why you want to marry your partner and keep it somewhere private for you to read to yourself whenever you are angry with your mate in the future.
Take a long walk by yourselves; no cell phones allowed.
Go on a date to a place you have never been together.
Go for a drive and show your partner where you grew up. Talk about your fondest memories as a kid and maybe even go out to eat at a local restaurant that's still around.
Go see where your partner grew up.
Talk about three things you learned from your parents that you hope to use when parenting your own children.
Make an agreement about marriage. For instance, Hus and I have always said that we would never go to bed angry and that we would never throw around threats of divorce in the heat of an argument. Try to find 5 to 10 marriage rules that you can agree upon.
Read a book about saving your marriage. Try THIS ONE. It's ah-mazing.
Discuss how you each would like to divide up holidays between your respective families.
Tell your partner about things that typically stress you out or piss you off. And discuss how you like to be approached during those times (Do you like to be left alone, be hugged, talk about it, or something else?)
Agree to disagree. You are not always going to agree on everything in marriage. The sooner you figure that out, the better.
Do something fun together that makes you feel like kids again. You could go roller/ice skating, to a pumpkin patch, or a carnival.
Write a happiness journal during the month prior to your wedding. Each day, write down one sentence about something that made you happy that day. It's nice to look back at this later and remember what made you happy in the days leading up to your wedding.
Divide up the household chores. Play on each other's strengths and likes when choosing jobs.
Find a hobby that fulfils you. And keep it up after marriage.
Pay off as much of your debt as possible.
Talk about your in-laws. How often do you want to see them? Are they going to be highly involved, moderately involved, or only mildly involved in your new life together? What does that mean?
Have a wild night out on the town with your spouse-to-be.
Talk about your 1 year, 5 year, and 10 year plans. When do you want to have kids? Where do you hope to live? What do you hope to be doing?
Read a book about maintaining your marriage. Try MY BOOK.
Make sure he or she is the one.
Promise to always work your hardest to keep your marriage in tact. And to try everything if things start to go downhill. Don't just give up.

Don't forget!

Enter my "this is love" photo contest and you could win a $100 Target gift card! The contest is ending on October 15, so get creative and start taking some pictures! Oh yeah, and then send your favorite one to me. (FYI: there is a NEW UPDATE about this contest at the bottom of the post- click HERE to read it)
Have a burning question for me? Here's your chance to ask it! Click HERE to read more about this new video project and how you can submit your question.

media love: tough love

2011-09-24T04:00:00.000-04:00

Tough Love is coming back to VH1 and I can't wait! October 2nd at 8pm can't come soon enough!

Get More: Tough Love Miami, TV Shows, Full Episode Video, Reality TV Shows

5 things i learned about marriage while moving with Hus

2011-09-22T11:49:00.000-04:00

Earlier this summer, I wrote a post about how Hus and I had decided to not move this past August. Well, I wrote wrong. We totally moved.

You see, I was told about this bigger, more affordable house that was only a couple of blocks from campus (where I work) and I had to see it. I did and it was amazing. So we jumped on it.

This was the fourth move for our family since 2004 (the third moving being just last summer- August 2010) and it wasn't any easier than the first move. You'd think that moving would be a breeze for us by now since we have so much practice. But somehow, this is not the case. Moving just sucks.

But the good news is that all of this moving has taught me a few things about my marriage (and about marriage in general).

Working as a team is key to getting anything done. Hus and I work pretty well as a team. We know one another's strengths and we play on them. Hus is good at packing the actual truck and I'm good at going back and forth from the house to the truck with boxes. Hus knows how to pack things so that nothing gets broken and we use all of the space (we once packed a 26-foot long and 8-foot high truck TO-THE-BRIM on our way from Indiana to our first house in Virginia). And, we both work well together when carrying large pieces of furniture. Hus will always accommodate our height difference (I'm 5ft 3in and Hus is 6ft), which definitely makes the day better. And, I try to keep things as organized as possible. The best part is that we both work very hard, and neither of us are slackers. Each of these personality traits bode well in our marriage as well.

Words of encouragement go a long way. I've always believed that encouragement has the power to elicit hard work. And hearing encouraging phrases during a difficult, seemingly never ending task (such as moving) is essential. We tend to literally sheer one another on while moving. "Go, Hus, Go!" and "You can do it, Jen!" are commonly heard on moving day at our house. At this point, it's mostly a fun little game we play more than it is actually encouraging, but it keeps us in good spirits, which help us power through and keep working until the job is done. Just as encouragement is important when moving, it's also important in our marriage. And Hus is really good at this. He always pushes me to pursue anything I'm interested in doing by telling me that I can achieve anything and reminding me why I wanted to do it in the first place. This motivates the hell out of me.

Avoid beating dead horses. We both always make the mistake of complaining about how we have TOO MUCH SHIT whenever we move. This does not help the morale of the day. It's already a really stressful event, and then we go ahead and bitch about our stuff (which isn't going to magically shrink or disappear in mid-move, by the way) for hours on end. And we get specific, too. Hus will ask, "Why do you still have every single one of your notebooks from college?" or I'll say, "When are you going to get rid of that f-ing fish tank? We have lugged that thing around for 7 years and haven't used it for the last 5!" We have the same conversation every time we move. It lasts for days leading up to the move, during the move itself, and for a days after the move. But every time we move, we have the same amount of shit we had the last time. Actually, we usually have a ton more stuff at the next move. As we do in our marriage, we both need to work harder at not arguing about the same f-ing thing over and over and over again.

Don't belittle your partner's feelings. I definitely do this way too often (In fact, I dedicated an entire chapter in my new book to it!). I'll tell Hus, "It'll be fine," "Get over it," or "You're okay" when he drops something on the floor or on himself. He's already pissed off about it and then I stifle his desire to yell and scream and curse, so it infuriates him even more. I talk about supporting your partner "during all of the times in between" in my book, but I still fail to take my own advice. What can I say? It's a work in progress. All marriage-related things are.

Don't sweat the small stuff. There are inevitably several dozen problems that spring up during a move; it's just the nature of the beast. For instance, this last move was ridiuclous. It took way too long and was way too expensive for only moving across town (poor planning on my part, I'm afraid). But, the worst part was all of the little things that went wrong during our 4-day moving extravaganza. First, we were required to have the carpets professionally shampooed in our old rental before we left. Well, I was under the assumption that we could pay the property management company and they would do it (I really thought I heard someone say that last summer). Um, apparently not. I got a call from the management company the day before we were scheduled to be out of dodge asking us if we already had the carpets cleaned. Shit. So I had to frantically scramble to find a carpet cleaning company who was willing to come out by the next day to clean. It took time away from what I was doing, was terribly frustrating, and cost way more than we had planned because the only company available just happened to be the most expensive. This could have ruined our day, week, or month. But, we learned a long time ago that worrying about all of the little things can make you crazy. The bottom line was that we were going to be out of that house (which we never really liked), into a new house (that we adore), and the carpets were getting cleaned. Was it really the end of the world. No, it wasn't. And neither are most other frustrations that we have to deal with on a daily basis.

In the end, I know that Hus and I have a stronger marriage because of the pressure and stress that is put on us during these moves. But, I sure as hell don't want to do it again any time soon.

Don't forget!

Enter my "this is love" photo contest and you could win a $100 Target gift card! The contest is ending on October 15, so get creative and start taking some pictures! Oh yeah, and then send your favorite one to me. (FYI: there is a NEW UPDATE about this contest at the bottom of the post- click HERE to read it)
Have a burning question for me? Here's your chance to ask it! Click HERE to read more about this new video project and how you can submit your question.

when "i'm sorry" just isn't good enough: 4 steps to getting forgiveness from your partner

2011-09-19T11:50:00.003-04:00

Okay, so you fucked up (Note: I thought about using a symbol- like #, $, *, or %- for the "u," but it just didn't seem natural. And anyways, who doesn't love a blog post that begins with expletives? I know I do.).

Okay, so you fucked up. We all fuck up from time to time. Hell, even I fuck up. I know it's difficult to believe that last statement, but it's actually true.

You did something you said you wouldn't do, you didn't do something you said you would do, or you just flat out hurt your spouse's feelings and now you have to talk about it. Well many times, a simple "I'm sorry" just ain't gonna cut it. And then you're still in trouble. Below are four easy (well, mostly easy) steps that you can take to get out of the doghouse with the one you love.

1. Listen to your partner's concerns and feelings. Listening is one of the most powerful tools in your relationship toolkit. Really. Let your mate talk about anything related to the behavior in question and pay attention to everything your mate is saying. Try to understand where your partner is coming from. Put yourself in his or her shoes and begin to recognize how your actions impacted your partner. Let your partner elaborate as much as he or she wants and acknowledge his or her feelings. You can ask questions if you need clarification. But be careful, make sure that you phrase your questions so that they imply that you actually want to understand your partner, not as if you are trying to discredit your partner's emotions or point of view.

2. Admit your faults. Take responsibility for your actions, even if you think that your partner is wrong, exaggerating, or out-of-line in his or her accusations. The fact of the matter is that even if your intentions were not to purposely hurt your mate, you did. There was some miscommunication between what you meant to do or say and how your mate perceived what you did or said. In fact, miscommunication is one of the leading causes of conflict in relationships. So, if you hurt your partner, recognize that. You can still say that it wasn't your intention to upset him or her, but it's important to take ownership for how your partner is feeling.

3. Offer up a plan. Apologies are rather useless if you don't plan to change your behavior. And many times, the plan is clear- "Okay, I won't call you my little pudgy-wudgy anymore." But other times, the plan is not as clear. This is where the two of you need to work together to come up with a solution to this problem. You could ask your partner, "How can I fix this?" or "I really don't want you to be sad/angry with me anymore. What can I do?" Again, you need to listen to what your mate says and then decide what you are willing and able to do. And if the plan is to "not do _____" ever again or less often, think of a positive, more desirable behavior to put in it's place. Ending bad habits is so much easier when you replace it with a good habit. However you decide to do it, making a clear plan for the future is an excellent way to get through this tough time with your partner.

4. Don't do it again. This seems like a no-brainer, but I can't tell you how many times Hus or I will say that we're sorry about something and then go ahead and do the "offensive act" again; sometimes only days later. It's terrible, actually. If you make a plan to not do something and then you do it again, what kind of message does that send to your mate? I'll tell you. It says that you wee less-then-sincere in your original apology. It says that you don't have enough respect for the future plan your both made together. And it says that you do not value your relationship enough to stop doing whatever it is that hurt your partner in the first place. To put it another way (as if I haven't done that enough already), if you do it again, it makes it very difficult for your partner to forgive you and it may even make it difficult for your partner to stay with you.

Don't forget!

Enter my "this is love" photo contest and you could win a $100 Target gift card! The contest is ending on October 15, so get creative and start taking some pictures! Oh yeah, and then send your favorite one to me. (FYI: there is a NEW UPDATE about this contest at the bottom of the post- click HERE to read it)
Have a burning question for me? Here's your chance to ask it! Click HERE to read more about this new video project and how you can submit your question.

Book Reviews

2011-09-16T10:51:00.000-04:00

I've been getting some GREAT reviews of my new book, Make Love, Not Scrapbooks, since it's release and I thought I'd share a few of my favs with you (Don't you feel special? I totally would.).

"The first thing that struck me about Jen's book is that it reads just like a conversation you'd have with a good friend... you know, over coffee as you spill your guts and admit how badly your husband pissed you off the other day, while she nods her head in agreement and says, 'You're preaching to the choir, sister.'"

(*Click HERE to read the entire book review)

-Helene, Mommy Blogger (www.TwoSetsofTwins.com) and Stay-at-Home Mom to TWO sets of twins

"It is rare to find a book that depicts relationships so honestly, provides so much in the way of valid and useful information, and yet is fluid, conversational and engaging throughout. Dr. Jennie Gill Rosier has done a fantastic job with this book, and I hope that people who are interested in trustworthy advice about relationships buy it!"

(*Click HERE to read the entire review)

- Dr. Steve McCornack, Ph.D., author of Reflect & Relate and Associate Professor of Communication at Michigan State University

"One of the things I love about this book is that it's not only jam packed with well-researched information, but it's also full of personal stories to make it all real."

(*Click HERE to read the entire review)

-Sean Marshall, co-creator of The Family Rocketship

"Make Love, Not Scrapbooks is like an insurance policy for a happy marriage. Do everything suggested in this book and neither of you will ever need the services of a divorce lawyer."

-Alisa Bowman, author of Project Happily Ever After

"I literally read the whole book cover to cover last night- wow! I love the way you wrote it because it feels so personal like you're talking right to me but you also have all this data and research to back it all up. LOVE it! Looking forward to any other books you put out in the future!"

-Paige, loyal Jen's Love Lessons reader & dating Brian since 2009

Thanks everyone for the kind words!

Do you have a blog and want to review my new book for your readers? Send me an email at jenslovelessons {at} gmail {dot} com so we can work something out (i.e. a free reviewer copy for you and a copy for one of your lucky readers).

Don't have a blog, but you still want to let me know what you think? You can either send me an email at jenslovelessons {at} gmail {dot} com or post your review on my Facebook fan page. I'll post your email/wall post review on the website for my book and on my Facebook fan page!

this is love... photo contest!

2011-09-15T13:43:00.002-04:00

Again, I'm stealing ideas from another blogger. Okay, well it's a mix of ideas from a couple of bloggers.

First, I was recently reading one of my fav blogs, Better After, and loved voting for her "Ugly Lamp" contest. People emailed Lindsay (the blogger for that site) photos of their ugly lamps, she picked her top 10 or so ugly lamps, and then readers voted on the lamps to find one winner.

Second, Shell, over at Things I Can't Say, is currently doing a "Magic Moments" photo contest where readers can link up photos of their magic moments to her blog. The winning prizes are insane, with one person winning a Canon Power Shot s95 (SRV $399.99)! Holy shit! By the way, there's still time to enter her giveaway (it ends on the 19th). Click HERE to enter her contest.

So, while I don't have a fancy linky tool thing or a $400 grand prize, I can definitely accept photo submissions via email and I think that a $100 gift card is good enough, right?

I know what you're thinking: HOW CAN I ENTER THIS AMAZING CONTEST, JENNIE?

Here are the details:

Take a photo (or send me a photo you already have) of something that you think IS LOVE. It can be anything. Maybe your cup of Starbuck's coffee screams "love" to you or you have a favorite book that you think epitomizes "love" (It's my book, isn't it? It's okay, you can tell me.). It really can be anything (see my examples below).
Email it to me at jenslovelessons {at} gmail {dot} com-- put "Love Photo Contest" in the subject line
~~I'll post my favorite 5 photos on my blog.~~
~~Readers will get to vote on their favorite photo.~~ (Read the UPDATE below)
The winner will receive a $100 TARGET gift card!!!

The deadline for this contest is October 15, 2011 at 5pm.

Sorry, but you can only submit ONE photo to this contest.

Pretty sweet, huh? I think so.

I'll leave you will a couple photos that I would submit if I were in your position...

UPDATE TO CONTEST!

I've been getting a lot of great photos and I already know that I'm not going to be able to decide on the top five. So, instead of picking the top five and then you picking the winner, I'm going to put ALL of the photo entries in an album on my Facebook fan page and then everyone can vote on the photo that they like the most by "liking" it.

project announcement: help me, help you

2011-09-09T11:30:00.000-04:00

Lately, I've been getting a lot of emails from loyal Jen's Love Lesson readers like you with questions about love, sex, and marriage, my new book, and even questions about my own personal life. As I've been struggling to email everyone back in a timely manner, I realized that I could do this in a much more efficient way.

Let me explain. One of my favorite blogs right now is Young House Love. It's a do-it-yourself home improvement blog, written by a dynamic husband and wife duo, that I've become mildly obsessed with in recent weeks. And, they have a a TON of readers. Seriously, a TON. Which also means that they get a TON of questions from readers about anything and everything. Anywho, one of the things that they do to answer all of these pressing questions in an organized fashion is to make video responses (You can see two of those videos HERE and HERE). After I watched them, I thought to myself, "I could do that!" Not only can I do it, but I also think it would be WAY more fun that emailing all of you back individually.

Interested yet? Here's how it's gonna work:

Between now and September 30th, I'll be collecting questions from you via my Facebook fan page, through email (jenslovelessons@gmail.com), or by commenting on this post. You can ask me ANYTHING. Really, I'm pretty much an open book. Then, I'll categorize your submissions into 3 groups:

(1) questions about love, sex, & relationships,

(2) questions about my new book (Make Love, Not Scrapbooks), and

(3) questions about my own personal life (including questions about Hus and my twins).

Lastly, I'll make a few videos for your viewing pleasure. Have you thought of your question yet? Good! Now all you need to do is decide if you want to privately email it to me (jenslovelessons@gmail.com), write it on the wall of my Facebook fan page (click on the link, "like" my page, and then ask your question by "writing something" on my wall), or comment at the bottom of this post (by clicking on the comment button below).

I'm super pumped about this project and I hope that you are too!

Ready, set, go!

what were we thinking?: 4 reasons having a baby will seriously test your relationship

2011-09-07T10:48:00.002-04:00

Having children is one of the biggest decisions that you will have to make with your partner. Can we afford a baby? Do we have enough room in our house? What will we name this new person? What should the nursery look like? Do we really want to give up our fun night life? Which childcare route are we going to take?

All of these questions, and several hundred others, may cross your mind in those months leading up to your final decision on the matter. But one question that many people overlook is whether the relationship that they have with their spouse is strong enough for all of the stress that comes with bringing a new human into the world.

In addition, some people have this cockamamy idea that having a baby can save their failing relationship, increase feelings of intimacy in their distant relationship, or make them happier than they ever could imagine with their current unhappy relationship. And for some of you, having a baby will make you feel closer and happier with your spouse and relationship. But the key here is to begin this journey with a ridiculously strong bond. Those of you who are hoping to fix something, fill a void, or rekindle feelings in your relationship should probably steer away from baby-making as a solution to your problems. Having a child will not fix anything. In fact, it will likely create several new problems in your partnership.

Before you start thinking that all I'm anti-baby, let me explain (in case you didn't already know) that Hus and I are probably two of the most pro-baby people you will ever meet. We love kids. If we could afford them, we would probably have 6 or 8 or 10 (Okay, maybe not 10)! We have twins and we've highly considered having more (no Mom, I'm not pregnant), which if you have twins or know anyone who has twins, you know that wanting more after two at once is a pretty big deal.

But, we also realize that having children puts a serious strain on our amazingly strong marriage. Having a baby is tough. You have to really love, and maybe more importantly really LIKE, the person who you have a baby with because even the most secure relationships are tested when a child is thrown into the picture. Still don't believe me? Here are four reasons why having a baby will make you ask, "What were we thinking?"

Crying and whining are two of the most annoying sounds on earth. I'm serious. A recent study published in the Journal of Social, Evolutionary, and Cultural Psychology has shown that toddler whining and infant crying are two of the most effective ways to distract adults when they are trying to perform an elementary task. In this study, adults were less able to concentrate when listening to these two sounds than when listening to other seemingly annoying sounds such as the screeching sound of sawing wood, fingernails on a chalkboard, and loud machine noise. In the beginning days of parenthood, the incessant crying can make even the most calm and patient individuals feel as though they are losing their mind. And then as the weeks turn into months and the months turn into years, the incessant whining kicks into high gear. And all kids whine. There is no avoiding this phase of childhood. You and your partner are going to need to learn to deal with two of the most annoying sounds on this planet living in your house.
Sleep is necessary for sanity. Again, I'm serious here. If you don't sleep, you will literally go insane; which is why sleep deprivation has been a popular torture method in times of war for several centuries. The lack of sleep you experience in the beginning of parenthood is a shock to your system and it can make you act like a crazy person; a crazy bitchy person. A lack of sleep can cause you to say things that you don't mean, lash out on your partner because you can't lash out on your adorably stressful little baby, cry for no apparent reason, and start arguments with anyone around you. I would even venture to say that missing out on sleep will be the foundation of the large majority of your spats, disagreements, and blow-out arguments during that first year. Just believe me when I say that sleep deprivation is one of the worst "side effects" of caring for small children. I think I've slept with any interruptions only a handful of nights in the last TWO YEARS!
"Going out" has a completely new meaning. Before you have kids, you can basically go anywhere you want and do anything you want without worrying about much of anything. And then you have a baby. And everything that you thought you knew about leaving the house changes. For instance, your plans to "just run down to the store" turn into a huge production. You suddenly have to bring this huge bag with you where ever you go that's full of all kinds of junk for your baby's well-being and your sanity. And your ideas about a romantic date night change from dinner and dancing to falling asleep on the couch while watching a movie together. I'm not saying that romance is automatically thrown out the window when you have a kiddo. Not at all. But, you will likely be so tired that you won't want to do anything else for a good while. And forget about going out to eat. If you're going to bring the little tike, you can't go anywhere too loud (you don't want to damage the little one's precious eardrums) or too quiet (you wouldn't want to offend anyone when your child begins screaming uncontrollably). And if you're leaving your bambino behind, get ready to pay your sitter a pretty penny (only the best for your baby, right?). I think Hus and I spend more on babysitting (remember, we have two kiddos) than we do on the actual meal when we go out (which isn't very often). The bottom line is that your freedom to come and go as you please is seriously stifled by your new addition.
Not being able to communicate with your little peanut is incredibly frustrating. I used to watch parents of toddlers in the grocery store get overwhelmed. I would look at them and think, "That will never happen to me. Children are so amazing. I mean, I get that it's difficult when you don't know what they want, but think about it from their perspective! It must be terrible to try and communicate your thoughts and feelings to your parent only to encounter misunderstanding... yadda yadda yadda." Let me first apologize to all of those parents who I judged. I had NO IDEA how frustrating the lack of communication was going to be until I experienced it firsthand. And boy, is it frustrating. Now, I'm the first to admit that I'm not immune to these feelings of irritation, annoyance, and actual anger when trying to figure out what my kiddos want from me. Dealing with your child's inability to communicate with you about anything and everything is rough. Implementing some relaxation and calming techniques into your everyday life is key to getting past this frustrating phase (which takes a lot longer than I thought it would).

So unless you have a great starting-off point, having a child does not help your relationship. Instead, it actually has the potential to seriously damage it. Make sure that your relationship is strong before you make that important decision because there is no way that you can deal with the endless crying and whining, lack of sleep, change in your lifestyle, and misunderstanding with someone who you only kinda-sorta like.