Jerkypants

Jerkypants For You

noreply@blogger.com (Rene Flores) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 09:12:00 +0000

Pumping Up With Patrick Swayze

noreply@blogger.com (Rene Flores) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 02:19:00 +0000

I remember seeing this sketch on the original live broadcast. I was in high school and after watching it, I felt just like Franz. What do these feelings mean?

I love you too, Rafa!

noreply@blogger.com (Rene Flores) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 22:16:00 +0000

Elijah Wood

noreply@blogger.com (Rene Flores) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 20:10:00 +0000

On the Sep 1 Tonight Show, Elijah Wood was sporting some scruff and he looked so kyute! He also looked totally huggable in his tight yellow t-shirt whilst dancing on Ya Gabba Gabba! Elijah, you are so cute and tiny, I want to hug you and squeeze you and call you George.

Interview part 1

Interview part 2

Hot as in Bend Over

noreply@blogger.com (Rene Flores) — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 03:48:00 +0000

OMG I'm on the front page

noreply@blogger.com (Rene Flores) — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 05:19:00 +0000

My submission Snoop Dachshund Totally Looks Like Snoop Dogg was featured on the front page of Totally Looks Like. Now if only I can get on the front page of their sister site I Can Has Cheezburger, my pathetic little life will be complete!

I found the dachshund picture at Dogs Looking Like People

Favorite Movies?

noreply@blogger.com (Rene Flores) — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 00:20:00 +0000

Dear guys who write "Too many to name!" when filling out the "Favorite movies" section of your personal profile on dating sites:

For chrissakes shake up that tiny peanut brain of yours and write down the first 3 or 4 movies titles that come to your staggeringly underused mind. It isn't hard.

What does that even mean, "Too many to name."? Do you have a list in your wallet with 1,500 movie titles on it? Then yes, that is too many to name. Otherwise, just start typing in the first movies you can think of.

"Too many to name."? Are you afraid that your list is so verbose that it won't fit in the web site's text input field? Well, Mr. Data, just start typing until the input field is filled. If your entire list doesn't fit, so what? It is not teh end of teh worlds ZOMG. An incomplete favorites list is not going to count against your GPA or invite an audit from the IRS. These silly little quesions are just supposed to give others a general impression of your tastes. Think about it. A guy who answers with many romantic comedies on his list is revealing something about his personality and mindset that is quite different from a guy who gets pumped by action/adventure or war-themed movies. You know what that "Too many" answer reveals to me? You are just lazy.

It also tells me a few more things.

You probably have commitment issues. If you can't even commit to a few favorite movies in your life, how are you going to commit to me?

You may be too dumb to follow simple instructions. The prompt on these sites never says "Make a comprehensive list of every movie you've ever enjoyed!" It just says "Favorite movies." A person with any level of intelligence greater than that of, say, a mushroom can infer that the intention here is to simply gather a few movie titles - not to create a miles-long exhaustive list.

You are probably prone to lying. You don't actualy have any favorite movies. If you REALLY had favorites that you are passionate about, you would jump at the chance to name them and talk about them.

You and I probably will not get along because you are obviously not a movie person. See #3 above.

So, sorry. I am not even going to add you as a friend or try to contact you. Unless you are really hot. In which case I am going to start dating you and then wonder why we are such a bad match for each other.

Love,

Rene

Chad Rankin

noreply@blogger.com (Rene Flores) — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 03:48:00 +0000

Cormac McLaggen and the Dancing Undies

noreply@blogger.com (Rene Flores) — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 20:48:00 +0000

In this video, Freddie Stroma (Cormac McLaggen from Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince) cast a couple of spells on me, like Erecto and Engorgio.

Total Eclipse of the Heart

noreply@blogger.com (Rene Flores) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 06:55:00 +0000

In 1983 I thought this music video was visionary and dramatic, and I loved watching it hourly on MTV. Maybe I was just subconsciously responding to the shirtless high school boys. Seeing it now, 26 years later... even *I* think it's over the top. I can forgive visionary director Russel Mulcahy for almost everything here (he mostly stays on theme in the boys' boarding school) except for... the dancing ninjas?

My favorite moment: "Arthur Fonzarelli's got an army of clones (Fonzie's been cloned!)"

New Cabbage Patch Doll: Youtwitface

noreply@blogger.com (Rene Flores) — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 05:33:00 +0000

From the New York Times review of Conan O'Brien's debut week on The Tonight Show.

Mr. O’Brien was more spontaneous on Wednesday, and made better use of his sidekick, Andy Richter, brought back from the early days of "Late Night." They reconstituted their old skit predicting the future, donning space-suit collars to proclaim that someday "YouTube, Twitter and Facebook will merge into one super-time-wasting Web site called 'youtwitface.'" (The Twitter trend turns out to be for comedians what the Cabbage Patch doll was in the 1980s: a huge fad that is inherently laughable.)

Jerkypants Store Now Online!

noreply@blogger.com (Rene Flores) — Tue, 19 May 2009 06:26:00 +0000

Bag of Weed

noreply@blogger.com (Rene Flores) — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 17:24:00 +0000

The funniest musical number that Family Guy has done in a long time. Combining a pro-pot message with a musical dance number from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? Only Seth MacFarlane. Brilliant. Originally aired on FOX Sunday April 19, 2009.

UPDATE: Unfortunately, the video was removed from Hulu. But here are the lyrics:

[Stewie: If you want to win people over, you can't just drone on like Ben Stein, you've got to have a little more showmanship. Here, watch:]

Now everybody gather round and listen if you would
When I tell you every person needs a way of feeling good
Every kitty needs a ball of string
And every dog a stick
But all you need is a bag of weed to really get a kick

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight!

A bag of weed, a bag of weed
Oh everything is better with a bag of weed
It's the only help that you'll ever need
Because everything is better with a bag of weed

[Stewie: There you go, you're all gettin' it now!]

When Texas people wanna feel good
They go assault a queer
When stupid people need a thrill
They rent "The Rocketeer"
When Michael Jackson needs a rush
He humps a guy like me (Hooray!)
But all we need is a bag of weed to keep us worry-free

One, two, three, ho!

A bag of weed, a bag of weed
Oh everything is better with a bag of weed
Oh you don't need meth and you don't need speed
Because everything is better with a bag of weed

[Stewie: Have a go, Brian!]

As Mister H.L. Mencken said, "The common man's a fool"
And just like Helen Keller said, "Goof googie beeba bool"
But try and use your heads and don't buy in to all the fear (Hey!)
'Cause all we need is a bag of weed to make us want to cheer

And one, two...!

A bag of weed, a bag of weed
Oh everything is better with a bag of weed
You can try and fight but we're all agreed
Because everything is better with a bag of weed

[extended music and dance interlude]

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight
And a one, two, three, four, and a five, and a six, and a seven, ho!

A bag of weed, a bag of weed
Oh everything is better with a bag of weed
You're a happy guy when you plant the seed
Because everything is better with a bag... of... weed
Oh everything is better with a bag of weed!

Happy Valentine's Gay

noreply@blogger.com (Rene Flores) — Wed, 14 Feb 2007 06:44:00 +0000

A Valentine's Day Hypothetical:
What if all of the online gay dating and hook-up sites like ManHunt, OutInAmerica, and Gay.com were suddenly gone tomorrow? What if gay men had to use candy conversation hearts instead of those online personals? I would start a company that makes candy hearts with phrases like this:

The Gay Agenda

noreply@blogger.com (Rene Flores) — Thu, 21 Sep 2006 16:15:00 +0000

The short version:

6:00 am: Gym

8:00 am: Breakfast (oatmeal, egg whites, mimosas)

9:00 am: Hair appointment

10:00 am: Shopping (Saks, Barneys, Pottery Barn)

12:00 noon: Brunch

2:00 pm: Assume complete control of the U.S. Federal, state and local governments, as well as all other forms of world government, destroy all healthy marriages, replace school counselors in grades K-12 with agents from the Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels, bulldoze all houses of worship, secure total control of internet and all mass media for the exclusive use of child pornographers.

2:15 pm: Mud masks and beauty rest to prevent wrinkles resulting from the stress of world conquest.

4:00 pm: Cocktails

6:00 pm: Dinner (consomme, salad of endive, arugula and radicchio with balsamic vinaigrette, Pouilly Fuisse)

8:00 pm: Theater

10:30 pm: Dancing

12:00 am: Return home for meaningful overnight relationship

Also available: The long version from Betty Bowers.