Oh who the hell am I kidding?

Is this for real? For a commercial they can’t put them in something a little cuter? I’m guessing that lady has a great body, show it and for the love of all things holy do your hair.

The talking animals Mr. Ed style only make me think of lonely farmers doing terrible things. You?

Yesterday, like most days, was jam packed. I spent the bulk of the day dealing with video, udemy.com (it’s a disaster over there) and general officey type stuff that makes me want to cry. I walked the dog, I took a longer faster walk and I had a little time alone with my husband. That time is both rare and delightful on a weekday.

There was this bikini event at 5 that I’d planned to attend with Jane because she really needs new swimsuits and I figured this would be a stress free way to deal with it but of course I’d forgotten that there was a spring sing. So I RSVPed to an event that I don’t really care about but I’d thought my daughter would like knowing that I had to be at Staples Center for the Kings game at 6.

I showed up at the bikini thing and met a lady in the elevator who lives in the neighborhood but, of course, I didn’t get her name. Then I ran into my neighbor and another friend. I suckled a Bellini, tried on a great swimsuit from Vix Swimwear and I left.

The valet had a tough time finding my keys but I was able to make it to Staples Center with 40 seconds to spare.

Can I just say that parking at Staples Center is $25. AEG owns the whole area and now they’re trying to bring football to LA but they want 8234324 tax breaks. I’m pretty sure they’ve got the cash to make it happen and LA could really use those tax dollars.

I fast walked to my seats (grabbing a sushi on the way… it’s LA after all) where my husband, Alexander and our friend were already watching. My son was a little down and it didn’t make sense to me. After a few minutes I figured out that he hadn’t finished his homework and was in a full fledged panic. I emailed his teacher and then lied to him. I told him that his teacher said to not worry about a thing and to enjoy the game. Thankfully when I woke up this morning the teacher had said just that.

We had amazing seats 15 rows up from the ice, unfortunately these people were just 10 rows up from the ice.

The blonde girl (who was convinced that she’s much more adorable than she really is) stood up every time the puck came down our way. This forced many rows of men to stand up to see and a half dozen of them to yell things like Bitch sit down. And as much as I like to scream misogyny with the best of them it really was a moment to yell at her.

This flipped Alexander out. He felt unsafe and uncomfortable but still enjoyed the game. 

We were home before 10 and by all accounts the Spring Sing was wonderful. Jane and her Grandpa enjoyed an evening together.

I figured I’d go to the event and surely there would be someone there that I knew. Los Angeles is a small town.

I pulled up to the address and gasped a little. Twenty or so years ago I almost married someone there. The Swede, it was a close call but thanks to my Grandfather it’s the wedding that never happened.

So I entered the party a little rattled but ready to put my best foot forward. After the scanning the crowd I realized I knew no one and I decided that this wasn’t going to be like a regular LA event where you show up and have drinks with people you already know and leave having met no one. I completely barged in on a conversation that three women were having.

“I’m going to go ahead and introduce myself. I’m Jessica.” And I extended my hand.

It felt like 852 years passed before smiles crossed everyone’s faces, but they did. And it was great. I met three amazing women and a man. A makeup artist, a German writer, an interior designer and one who never talked about her work. They were smart and they were funny and my circle of friends just got larger.

It was terrifying and I’m going to continue to terrify myself otherwise it’s just not worth leaving the house.

Earlier this week I made a little video about the Time Magazine Cover and I wondered aloud (once again) if Mom Blogging is good for kids. The feedback I got was mostly unrelated to the content of the video. It was more like: The hair! You have a great blowout.

I did it myself. I had a good haircut (for a change) and I learned a few tricks.

Basically the folks at Wella saw my constant updates about my bad haircuts and bigoted hairdressers and took pity on me. Sometime before the awards season they wanted Jane and me to see one of their hairdressers for color and styling. They wanted us to bring in pictures of red carpet hair and they’d provide the styling.

That never happened. With sports and travel and life it was virtually impossible to get myself and my daughter to have a few free hours on the same day. We were trying for a February appointment and the first available date was April 14. It wasn’t them. It was me.

Anyhow, for the first time since I was a preadolescent I had a haircut outside of the Cristophe Salon.

Jane and I walked into The C Salon in Studio City and everything was the same as every other salon but everything was also different. It’s a beautiful and noisy space, chatter, blow dryers and music keep it loud and lively. What was noticeably missing was the attitude. I typically hate the salon experience because of the prettier than thou attitide and not one person at The C Salon had it.

The receptionists were warm and welcoming, all the hairdressers made eye contact and smiled. Everyone seemed to be happy to be there. This shouldn’t be remarkable but sadly it is.

Jane was looking for some highlights and I wasn’t sure what to expect but when Tiffany came out with a big smile, the perfect pink lipstick (deemed perfect by Jane) and a tutu-like skirt I knew we had the perfect hairdresser for my 13 year old. I just didn’t know if she was to be trusted. I hovered a little reminding her that we were looking for subtle and she nodded and assured me it would be natural and pretty and would please us both.

Did it ever. Are these the most natural looking highlights you’ve ever seen?

In addition to being pretty and trendy Tiffany is a foster mother and was telling Jane about her kids. Atypical discussion for a hair salon but totally refreshing and much needed.

I ended up having a cut and style with the owner of the salon Claudio Lazo. As we got to talking we realized that our daughters had played soccer at the same park for the past seven years and that they’d been on a team together for a Thanksgiving tournament last year. As we chatted it became apparent that Claudio set the tone at the salon. You’d think I’d be relaxed at this point but I really wasn’t. As much as I’d become unhappy with my hairdresser before him I wasn’t particularly trusting.

We talked a lot about styling and he told me he teaches classes that are hours long on how to make a ponytail. Apparently to get a runway ponytail you start with a triangle of hair where the pony will sit and you add hair tiny bits at a time to it. I might ask him to make a video with me if y’all want to learn a bit about a runway ponytail.

While Claudio was trimming my hair he mentioned cutting it a little shorter in the front because of my high cheekbones…. uh yeah. If by “high cheekbones” he meant “chubby cheeks” then he was spot on. It was just so refreshing to have someone speak to me kindly. Why am I so slow to change?

I do a good blowdry for myself but as my hair has straightened out in the last few years I’ve not known how to get body into it other than with different sizes of round brushes, this is an exhausting process. Claudio gave me a few tips about getting those beachy waves we all love.

• Use a heat protecting spray. (Wella has one that I’m newly addicted to)
• Curl small sections of hair and let them hang naturally to cool down or put a pin in them to create a tighter curl
• After your entire head has curled and the hair has cooled hit it with a bit of spray
• use your fingertips to pull down a few strands from each curl not so much brushing as pulling and positioning.

It’s been a month since my cut and styling and it’s still a good haircut.

That’s me with not a stitch of makeup. I told you I don’t have time for anything.

Saturday night we couldn’t quite agree on where to eat but we all agreed that we’d be eating out. The kids wanted Laurel Tavern but they don’t really understand that it’s a bar. So they don’t understand that on a Saturday night no one wants them there. Further the place is packed and loud and Laker-y.

So we drove past Laurel Tavern in an effort to show them why we wouldn’t be eating there, looped across the street to Lala’s which was uncomfortably crowded and finally landed at La Loteria which I was sort of angling for because I wanted a good margarita with tamarind and sour salt. Mr. G hates Mexican food and it was shitty of me to make everyone go there but I was feeling selfish on Mother’s Day Eve.

We ended up at La Loteria and the only thing worse than the food was the service. The margarita was excellent but I could have made that at home. Serves me right.

I woke up Sunday at 9ish. I just lounged in bed and padded downstairs in the most leisurely way. Alexander and Mr. G headed out for a 10am baseball lesson and I ran to the farmers market as they have an amazing blackberry vendor there and I just wanted to eat blackberries until my teeth turned an unnatural color and I looked like a hillbilly, black teeth and all.

While at the farmers market everyone kept wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day. I didn’t have any children with me. I made a mental note to step up my game, even on a Sunday Morning. I bought my blackberries, my eggs, strawberries and tamales. Everything was organic except the tamales and they’re pure crap for the kids. Fat and sugar to keep them happy. Snooty fat and sugar, but fat and sugar nonetheless.

I came home from the Farmers Market and the four of us turned around and went for a hike. I sunscreened my face and neck. It was a great hike but I’m sunburned, I even have a white mark where my ponytail was.

After the hike we rolled right into Umami Burger. Amazing burgers coupled with hideous service. If you ever go to the store in Studio City either sit in Brooklyn Carlos’ section or get your food to go. I tried to not be annoyed by the servers but it’s hard. They’re just so bad. I broke my “no grain” diet and had a half a truffle burger and I swear it was worth it. They are so amazingly delicious.

After lunch we headed home and I spent two hours floating in the pool sometimes reading sometimes dozing. The kids played in the pool and I looked at them both popping through the surface of the water together and had a striking moment where they actually looked alike and my heat swelled to the size of the moon and I felt so lucky that I love my family so much and that they love each other.

By 5 it was time for Alexander to go to baseball practice and Jane and I took a quick shower and went to see Dark Shadows. It’s a terrible movie. I wanted to leave after 30 minutes but I didn’t want to ask Jane to go in case she was enjoying it. Of course it was only after the movie ended that I realized she’d have been happy to leave too. The best parts of the movie aren’t the plot or the actors, it’s all the last scenes and some special effects that truly are special.

It sounds like I didn’t enjoy the movie. I didn’t enjoy Dark Shadows but I did enjoy just being with my daughter and relaxing. It was still a great day.

At 7.30 we headed for dinner and met up with my Mom for LA’s best lobster. There’s this divey little restaurant in Reseda that makes the most amazing ginger lobster. We waited about a half hour for a table and drank the worlds cheapest chardonnay from tiny little bottles, but I was with my Mom so it was all okay. We exchanged giggly gifts and were home by 10.

Alexander fell asleep in his baseball clothes. He’s old enough that his father needs to be the one undressing him. That felt strange and bittersweet.

Then Mr. G remembered my gift. It had been outside and I’m not sure how I didn’t see it but it was exactly what I wanted.

At 8 this morning I started by reading the assembly instructions. I realized quickly that I had to buy a socket wrench with  1/2″ and a 3/4″ socket attachments. I went to OSH and had everything unpacked and ready for assembly by 9. By 9.15 I had overenthusiastically broken the first screw. Ratcheting adds power I suppose.

I was back at OSH 15 minutes later trying to find a nut and bolt to replace the one I’d broken. One of the men there helped me find a 1.5 inch replacement and I thought it seemed a little short and I’d considered picking up a two inch replacement as well since it was only an extra few cents but he convinced me that he was absolutely correct and there was no way in the world the bolt would be too short.

45 minutes later I was back at OSH getting a two inch long bolt. It was getting late in the morning.

An hour after that I had this.

I’ve had compost piles and compost bins, but I’ve never had a compost tumbler and I’m so excited in part because I love my tiny little garden but also because I cringe every time I throw out scraps.

I had the perfect Mother’s Day and I had the perfect Day After Mother’s Day because I got to play with tools all morning.

Does this help or hurt attachment parenting?

In an effort to make my teenage daughter hate me (because really, what other motive could I have?). I gave Jane two options regarding her cell phone at night.

Option 1: She can leave her cell phone plugged in downstairs

Option 2: I can add back parental controls and after 10pm she will only be able to call or text me, her grandparents and 9-1-1.

There is no option 3.

We had tears and threats. I wasn’t spoken to for two solid hours. If you’ve ever met Jane you’d know how meaningful silence is. This is a child who needs to communicate to feel alive.

“It’s my phone.” She wailed, “You treat me like a child. No one else’s parents do this.”

And I was horrified. “They don’t? Well they should.”

I went on to explain to her that there were two scenarios (two is my favorite number in this discussion). The scenarios are as follows:

Scenario 1: The other kids do have to give up their cell phones at night but don’t want to talk about it because they’re embarassed.

Scenario 2: The other kids’ parents are making a mistake.

There is no scenario 3.

With a not fully developed frontal lobe teens are notoriously poor decision makers. Add a little sleepiness to the mix and there’s just no good reason to allow a cell phone into the bedroom at night. There’s the obvious nudity issue, but there’s also something a little less terrifying that leaves a big mark on their lives. Sleeplessness.

Adults who sleep with the phone by the bed suffer from sleep deprivation. Our kids hardly get enough time to sleep with school starting so early in the morning, why give up an extra hour (or more) at night?

Jane doesn’t seem to know yet that I’m chaperoning her volleyball team for five days in June. I’ve already let some of the parents know that my plan is to have all the cell phones in the adult room at night. I’m pretty sure it’ll go over like a lead balloon but unless someone else wants to take up the chaperoning baton it’s my rules.

I can’t wait to have a dozen 13 year old girls not speaking to me. I can almost imagine the silence.

My friend Yvonne was having a Healthy Child Healthy World event at her house from 10 to 12 and I figured I’d just get there as quickly as I could and maybe have an hour with my girlfriends.

At the very last minute my 4pm appointment turned into a noon appointment and the shoot was cancelled. Of course I had it in my mind that I was showing up at Yvonne’s house at 11 and I wondered if it was even worth going because I’d be there for just 30 minutes. If you’re paying attention you see the problem already.

I left in plenty of time to get to Yvonne’s house at 11 but there was construction and I got there at 11. 15 feeling really anxious about having just 10 or 15 minutes to stop in for a hug. Everyone was in the yard eating pizza and salad and I was like, “When is the demonstration?” and Yvonne patiently told me it was at 10. Which is when I immediately corrected her for not knowing what time her own party began and I just stood there confused.

I asked what I’d missed and the big thing was that kids with asthma should not be in the kitchen when you are cooking with a gas stove. Something is released into the air that irritates their airways. I’d never heard this but I also don’t have a child with asthma so it’s unlikely I’d know it. Now you know.

I gobbled some salad fast and ran off to my noon appointment. When I got there I signed in as a visitor and part of the sign in process is a pretty informal NDA. So I definitely am not telling  you that I had a meeting at a company that sounds like oogle. The meeting lasted about an hour but I think we could have chatted for three easily. I left there to go to Whole Foods in Venice.

Can I just say that on any given day if I had a thousand dollars to spend at the Whole Foods Market in Venice or at Barneys I’m not sure which one I’d choose. That market is spectacular.

I grabbed a tuna roll (no rice just greens) and felt horrible about it. Every time I eat tuna my brother asks me if I’m happy eating it because it might be the last tuna in the ocean. And I know that it’s terrible for me. Probably full of mercury and definitely not a sustainable catch but it’s cheap and easy and it’s absolutely everywhere. Plus according to scientists most of our fish is mislabeled anyhow so it’s possible I was eating dolphin meat. Hooray?

I wisely don’t grab a cart and leave Whole Foods having spent just $8.99. I am annoyed when the cashier doesn’t give me the penny back. I always tell them to leave the penny in case someone needs one but I am bugged that she didn’t offer me my money. She also asked me a lot of questions about my food, rolling it around in her hands and wanting to know what the ingredients are. It’s dolphin meat bitch, now give me my penny.

I eat and drive to acupuncture. My right hand is resembling a claw but since beginning acupuncture I have taken NOT ONE narcotic. How’s that for hocus poke-us? Eating in the car is horrible and I try to keep tons of water there because it’s easy to mistake thirst for hunger but I console myself in knowing that I’m three days into a sugar free and grain free lifestyle. Not even corn. I’m living on lean meats and green things with just a tinge of crankiness.

After acupuncture it’s time to get the kids. Jane has volleyball and Alexander just wants to play Pokemon with his friends. I’m relieved to see a large group of kids playing, it’s such a strange thing to be into that I want to know that it’s not just my son.

I go home freshen up and head out to Digital LA where I’m to be on a panel of Mommy Bloggers. I know. I cringe because of the Mommy thing and I show up anyhow because Ciaran will be there and Ciaran is smarter than I am so I go where she goes.

I stop at Tiffany & Co. to pick up a gift for my sort of niece who turns 16 this weekend. She’s a good girl and 16 is a big deal. I spend too much.

The panel starts late and ends later but we do get to play PacMan while we’re waiting. The room is hot and we’re the second panel. Most of the men leave, this is to be expected. The ones who are left behind are the smart ones. The first group will pay to work with Felicity Huffman or whatever other celebrity hired someone to run a website. It’s a different business they’re in. I try to not be offended but I remember that I don’t actually have any overlap with these folks. Or maybe I do?

I’m home at 10.30 and the kids are sound asleep. There’s a pain in my chest because I’ve missed an evening with them. I know it felt like it was important to be out, but when I get home I recognize that I never should have left. I wanted to be there. With my family.

After looking at the staff page I’m guessing that the “culture” they’re referring to is the culture of 20 something caucasian men. Which is fine, but it’s a narrow field of vision and there’s so much privilege in there that it might be difficult for these young men to actually understand consequences.

So I thought I’d address them here. Similarly to how they addressed my friend Calvin Lee (but I’ll leave out the threats of violence).

A recent post by the editor in chief begins by stating as fact:

By now everyone knows that Klout is terrible.

Well, that’s not entirely true. In fact Klout has some really great points to it. All measurement will have a downfall here or there but adults know these things. A discerning reader would know that this post is now a straight opinion piece. Right? Because a reputable site would mark it as such or they’d be worried about things like integrity and lawsuits.

Not those kids at Uproxx, they’re too indy for that.

In paragraph two the writer (actually the editor in chief) makes some assertions about the Klout algorithm. It’s adorable and I want to pinch his chubby little cheeks. Especially when he uses an asterisk instead of spelling out motherfucker… because that is hardcore. If he was right about the algorithm it might have been cuter.

By way of disclosure I know this to be true because I have a loose affiliation with Klout that makes me part of the Klout Squad. They’ve given me a tee shirt and a water bottle. Look at me, I’m rich.

Paragraph three starts with this:

Take, for instance, this guy — Calvin Lee — mentioned in the journalistic blowjob Wired recently gave Klout. He exemplifies everything that is wrong with Klout and the people who care about it.

Yes, Brett Michael Dykes is criticizing Wired Magazine’s journalistic integrity. I’ll give you a moment to let that sink in. Brett Michael Dykes asserts that Wired Magazine needs help with their journalism.

Stop laughing so loud. It’s hard for me to concentrate when you do that.

So far this is all very ranty and does nothing but make the writer look like a petulant child. The site clearly has a large (the media kit says 3 million a month) but very narrow readership and one can only suppose that their readers will grow out it very soon.

Here’s where I have huge problems with Brett Michael Dykes. Read this:

I hope Calvin Lee — who follows 80,000 people on Twitter (following an impossible number of people for a human to actually follow is another way to raise your Klout score, naturally) — gets eaten by a grizzly bear. No, seriously, I really do.

Brett. I know you’ll see this because the internet is actually quite small. You’ve called Calvin names and I’ll go to my grave defending your right to do that. What you should not do, and what no one should ever do is use their bully pulpit as a place to call for the physical harm of another human being.

I understand that you were trying to be funny by saying a grizzly bear should eat Calvin. Unfortunately it’s just plain threatening.

I don’t want to make too much of this by saying that Uproxx threatened Calvin Lee’s life or livelihood. I do know that posts like this make it dangerous to be Calvin and I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some level of legal remedy he could seek.

It’s also probably worth noting that Calvin is a beloved figure in the Silicon Beach tech scene and is known for helping people launch their businesses.

We know that Uproxx is basically a blog with a bunch of contributors. Journalists, investors and lawyers, I’m asking you the tough question. What should Uproxx do?

1. A butler
2. A Bentley
3. Chickens (not in my freezer either)

So I’ll have to suffer through with the small luxuries I’ve become content with.

Here are a few items every Mom Blogger is dying for.

A new computer.

I’ve been testing out the ASUS All In One PC ET2700INKS at $1500 it’s not cheap, but it’s beautiful and it’s fast and Windows 7 is a joy.

A smartphone, specifically an iPhone 4S. Three of four Gottliebs have the 4S and we’re all delighted with it (the fourth Gottlieb is just too young). I switched to Sprint recently. It’s reliable and cheap but very slow. I’m trying to decide if I care or not.

A subscription to Birchbox. Birchbox is a sampling site where for $10 a month (or $110 a year) you get samples of makeup and skincare. I bought Birchbox for myself and for my daughter and we filled out our beauty profiles. Her boxes delighted her, mine delighted me. We also got far more than $10 of value.

(thanks to Sarah Burns for the Birchbox image)

If your mom loves gardening go to your local nursey, pick out some flowers or summer fruits and veggies she might love and the appropriate potting soil and spend some time with her planting them. I love gardening and I love my family, what would be better?

Speed! If you can’t swing the pricetag of a new computer (or you don’t want to) there’s something that every Mom Blogger needs and few will treat themselves to. It’s SPEED.

The folks at Crucial have made RAM easy and if your computer is limping along a little extra memory may just be the shot in the arm that makes it work well. My memory was under $200, easy to find, easy to install and doubled the speed of my laptop (okay I have no numbers to back that up but it feels like it’s going 8000 times faster so I assume it’s double because I’m prone to exaggeration)