Or you meant one thing, but somehow the message was misinterpreted and you ended up hurting someone close to you without even knowing how? Robert McCloskey, in his famous quote “I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant”, humorously highlights how very difficult effective communication really is, especially with those close to us.

When life is going well and everything is fine, it is easy to interact, have fun and a good laugh. However, when life becomes a little more complicated, when people feel vulnerable, tired or stressed, when there are difficult situations to handle, or when emotions are running high – this is the time when good communication skills are vital in order to work out solutions and resolve difficulties. This is also the most difficult time to communicate well.

Effective communication means speaking clearly, directly and earnestly (CDE):

• Clearly – means being very specific and keeping the focus on the current situation and current behaviour;
• Directly – means that we speak directly to the person who the situation relates to; and
• Earnestly– means we speak from our heart, we are assertive, we understand our own reactions and responses, and we are honest about them.

We also need to keep in mind who we are speaking to, and how to say something in a way that the person can hear it. Even when we don’t say anything – we are communicating. Our body language, our tone of voice, our expressions, and our physical distance to each other, are all an important part of communication.

At this moment in history, we have become a very technological society. Emails, instant messaging, computers, texts, and social networking have evolved so quickly, and communication has never been easier. But are we communicating better? It is my belief that these quick and easy forms of communication, has had a very negative impact on our ability to communicate as a society.

We need only to turn on the news and watch our politicians raise a topic for debate. We watch our leaders, our role models put each other down, mock, patronise and insult one another, and most open discussions turn into a mud-slinging attack on their opponent’s character.

Breaking people’s spirit, humiliating, degrading, insulting, and embarrassing people seem to be the goal of some reality TV shows.

Many of our role models today tend to be very clever, very wealthy and/or very talented but many have difficulty relating to people. They have a string of broken relationships or they might have anger, gambling, alcohol and/or drug issues.

We have so few people in the media, politicians, role models, sporting heroes, artists or music icons who embrace and model family values, good communication skills, acts of kindness, high values, integrity, honesty, respectfulness and morality.

To quote one of my favourite authors, Robert Fulghum, in his book

“All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten”: “Think what a better world it would be if all – the whole world – had cookies and milk about three o’clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap. Or if all governments had a basic policy to always put things back where they found them and to clean up their own mess. And it is still true, no matter how old you are – when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together”.

The goal of effective communication is to find a solution and come to an understanding that pleases both parties.

17 strategies for effectively communicating:

1. Think about what you would like the outcome to be. Then working backwards, think what you need to say, and how you need to say it, in order to reach your goal;
2. When raising a concern, always check to make sure you were understood accurately;
3. Know who you are speaking to, and say what you need to say, in a way that can be heard;
4. The more you listen and understand another person’s point of view – the more they will listen and understand yours;
5. Speak about a specific incident, be simple, straight forward, and brief;
6. Stay focused on the present situation;
7. Really listen. Hear and reflect back so they know they have been heard. You will understand where they are coming from and they will be more willing to listen to you;
8. Try to see the situation from their point of view;
9. Most of us just want to feel heard and understood. We don’t need to be “right”;
10. Say sorry for causing hurt or upset and admit when you are wrong;
11. Use “I” messages;
12. Ranking differences of opinions helps us to recognise how much something means to each of us. Sometimes, armed with this information, it makes it easier to know how to move on;
13. Be prepared to compromise and find a solution where everyone wins;
14. Take time-out if the conversation is getting too heated. Give yourselves an opportunity to calm down, and come back later to finish the discussion;
15. Ask yourself “do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?” – often these are mutually exclusive positions;
16. It is a good idea to hold hands or touch each other in some way when you are talking about something difficult. This serves as a reminder that you care about each other, even if you disagree or have hurt each other; and
17. Always remain respectful.

13 communication mistakes that are often made:

1. Blaming, naming, and shaming each other;
2. Speaking in the heat of the moment and saying things we might not necessarily mean;
3. Avoiding conflict and finding ourselves feeling increasingly more angry;
4. Being defensive and attacking;
5. Denying the situation or someone’s feelings;
6. Over generalizing;
7. Being stuck on being right;
8. Believing we know what a person is going to say, rather than letting them speak their mind;
9. Not really listening;
10. Interrupting;
11. Bringing past situations and experiences into the present;
12. Criticizing and blaming the other person for the situation; and
    Blocking a conversation.

Effective communication does not mean you have to agree with someone. What it does mean is that you are able to listen and to be heard when you have a difference of opinion. It means that you want to find a way to meet in the middle, to understand where the other person is coming from, and to compromise to resolve your differences. Sometimes it might mean you agree to disagree.

If you find it difficult to remain respectful during a discussion, or if you’ve tried to resolve a conflict with your partner on your own and the situation just doesn’t seem to be improving, you might benefit from a few sessions with a therapist. Couple counselling can provide help and teach skills to resolve future conflict. If your partner doesn’t want to go to therapy, the relationship can still benefit from you going alone.

In the words of Patrick Overton:

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

I’d like to hear the ideas you may have about this article. If you wish to, please leave your comments below.

“We had been dating for 4 years before we decided to get engaged. We had a long engagement before we got married, and I really thought I knew and understood my soon-to-be husband. Events building up to the wedding were quite stressful in terms of organisation, finances, planning and interference from in-laws. However most of this was all fobbed off by family and friends as being wedding nerves. Some of the events leading up to the engagement/wedding were:

• aggressive, abusive ways of talking about my parents and putting them down repeatedly
• Proposing to me, but then making the engagement a secret that we couldn’t share for 2 months
• Having an argument, me not being able to get hold of him for a day, then meeting and acting as if nothing had happened, and not wanting to talk about it
• Him wanting a big, expensive wedding – I would have preferred a smaller, more intimate wedding. I was left to plan and prepare and organise the wedding while he wasn’t interested in any of the details

How different my life would have been if we had attended premarital counselling and discussed pre-designed themes of relating. I hadn’t realised that aggressively talking about my parents would lead to aggressively talking to me. The engagement secret became merely one of many secrets, and formed a basis of controlling who I spoke to and what I spoke about. Not being able to make contact formed the foundation of weeks of being ignored and given the silent treatment. My planning the wedding started the lifelong task of organising outings, events, holidays, children, schooling, and the household single-handedly. These difficulties laid the foundation of silence, abusiveness, controlling behaviour, secrecy, disrespect, withdrawal and lack of communication. If only I had understood that little disagreements become bigger issues, or if I had the support and validation from family and friends that these dynamics were serious warning signals, or if I had attended premarital counselling – perhaps I would never have married and been spared of 16 years of conflict, power and control”.

If you understand your current interactions and recognise that these patterns are forming the very foundation of all your future dynamics with this person, wouldn’t you treat this with more importance? Do you really understand that the way you communicate during the build up to the wedding, is probably how you will communicate for the rest of your relationship? The wedding hype and build up are giving you clues about how you make decisions, communicate, and negotiate within your relationship. Wouldn’t you prefer to change and understand the way you interact with each other before you get married, rather than after?

Pre-marital counselling offers you the opportunity to openly discuss issues before they become problematic. It focuses on the future, helps identify areas of relationship strength, commonality, shared interests and values; and opens the way to discuss areas of disparity. It also takes place within a safe, neutral environment and new ways of relating, communicating and negotiating are learned and practiced. You can then use this information to live a long, happy, stress free marriage together.

Pre-marital counselling will help you explore difficult relationship themes that are the biggest contributing factors leading to relationship breakdown and divorce. These factors include (in not any particular order):

• Finances
• Raising and disciplining children
• Extended family and in-laws
• Spending time together, relaxation time and sharing common interests
• Romance, affection, fun, lovemaking
• Equality in the relationship and overall household contributions
• Understanding and respecting gender, cultural, value, racial, and religious differences
• Handling conflict and differences of opinions
• Sharing of thoughts, feelings, dreams and goals
• Compromising
• Trigger points from past experiences and past relationships
• Communication
• Relationship expectations
• Understanding power struggles
• Recognising differences in emotional, work, personal, spiritual, financial, social, familial and health values

It is my personal belief that pre-marital counselling should be a prerequisite for marriage, and that marriage should be made harder, whilst divorce should be made easier.

Most couples, today, have a prenuptial agreement drawn up as a way of protecting their legal and financial rights should the marriage dissolve. I believe that pre-marital counselling protects the emotional rights of individuals and honours the relationship.

I’d love to hear the ideas you may have about this article. If you would like to, please leave your comments below.

”I am 20 now and my brother is 17. My parents separated when we were 11 and 8. I can honestly say that my parents’ divorce really messed me and my brother up. I went from being a straight A student and to getting F’s within 3 months of my father moving out, and us moving away. The same thing happened with my brother. After a while I started wagging school, fighting with my friends, getting into trouble with the teachers and eventually I dropped out. Since then, I realized I let my parents’ problems affect my life, and I started getting my life back on track. I went back to get my HSC and am in college now. But I had made a lot of mistakes, and it was a big hole to crawl out of. My brother is still really screwed up. He has been smoking pot and drinking for many years now. I now understand that one of the many reasons why my father left, was that he was having an affair. I was so angry with him for such a long time, that I refused to see him. I sabotaged my relationship with my boyfriend because he discovered that I was going through his phone. I obviously have many trust issues. I was feeling that he will hurt me like my dad hurt my mom. My brother isn’t in school at all. He loses job after job, and I am worried that he will end up in jail. I know my Dad cheated on my Mom, but they had problems way before that happened. I think what hurt me the most, was moving away, changing schools, and blaming my Dad without hearing his story, and feeling like I had to take sides”.

Do you understand the impact of how separation/divorce will affect your children? Are you telling them about the impending separation in a way that is age appropriate? Are you keeping them and their needs at the top of your priority? What should you say? When should it be done? How much information should you give them? Would your strategy and behaviour be vastly different, if you understood how your words and behaviour impact on your children?

Here’s your opportunity to learn about how you can talk to your children and the upcoming separation and how you can prepare them.

When separation occurs, it is a very emotionally painful and overwhelming time for all involved. At times one feels alone with little support.

As a parent, talk to people about what is going on for you. Talk to your neighbour, your doctor, your religious leader, your friends, your family, talk to a psychologist. Just talk! Talk to anyone you feel safe and comfortable with. However, don’t talk to your children or use them as a sounding board. As a parent you need to help your children understand that they will adapt to the new schedule, new environment and new ways of communicating. Remember that life is long, time heals, and that this stressful situation and overwhelming feelings is temporary and will pass.

Here are 10 tips for how to tell your children about the impending separation

1. If you and your partner are able to tell the children together, to be a united front, that will be better for the children. If not, it is important for you and your partner to talk to your children individually, but you both need to be contained and composed.
2. It would be a good strategy to tell your children before all the changes occur. It will give them time to process the information and let it sink in.
3. Make sure you and your partner have worked out a rough plan, so that you can provide your children with some answers. They will have questions about which parent they are going to be living with, whether they have to move, can they stay at the same school, when will they see their other parent? By providing routines kids can rely on, you remind children they can count on you for stability, structure and care.
4. Acknowledge how difficult this decision has been, and recognise that it will be hard for everyone.
5. Focus on how you will always be their parents, even though you are deciding not to live with one another.
6. It is important that you convey that this is a decision made by both of you, and don’t blame the other parent.
7. Repeat many times during the conversation that they are not to blame and give lots of assurance that they will be ok, they will get through this, and they can talk to you about their feelings.
8. Tell the children about the living arrangements. Talk about how they will be able to maintain contact.
9. Let the children know that some difficult times are going to result from the separation, but that some positive changes will happen too.
10. Be prepared for a variety of reactions from your child – disbelief, relief, shock, anger, guilt, wanting to talk, not wanting to talk, feeling they are to blame, confusion, trying to get you to change your mind, feeling scared of an unpredictable future, and being concerned that you might divorce them too. Your patience and reassurance can minimize anxiety as children learn to cope with new circumstances.

No matter how old your children are, they will be impacted upon by your decision to separate. Children have no say in their family breaking up, but usually are the ones most affected by it. Let them know that they can’t change your decision and they can’t bring you back together. If things get worse rather than better after several months, it may be a sign that your child is stuck in depression, anxiety or anger and could use some professional, additional support.

They will need your support and understanding. It is important for you to provide as much stability as possible. To make this happen, you’ll need to take care of, and be gentle with, yourself. Speak to people you trust, go for long walks, take a relaxing bath, have a massage, and find a good therapist.

If you would like to send me some feedback, or if you have other ideas about how to tell children about an imminent separation, I’d love to hear from you. Please leave a comment below.