Unsucessful at the ladies (unconventional failure)

2012-07-08T14:33:00.005-07:00

Time has a way of fixing things. Even if it just drugged my sorrows and buried them in the pasture. A woman made a rash choice that actually was the best. Yay for what was good for me and I did not even know it. Life is quite now. No more stirring the crazy tree. I miss my family. But all good things come in due time.

Last night was fun watching the fight. Met a self proclaimed fire crotch. A spit fire she was. Not anyone I think will be in my life, but my was she fun to talk to. Now I am procrastinating again. Back to my school work.

2012-06-07T13:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you can make up your own truth. Sometimes. I have accepted that some people pretend to be something they are not. They load you up with their lies. I felt important to someone. Now, I know I was nothing the whole time. I was convenient. I was there to make you feel safe until you were ready to move on. You accepted my baggage in the beginning. God, did you even look at yours? I listened to you day in and day out with your rants about Chris and his girl friend. I gave you input when asked and shut up when you just wanted to vent. I happen to mention when my ex would try to contact me, I would try to show you what was said, I even sent a screen shot or two just for good measure. Yet I am untrustworthy. You lied and cheated on anyone that ever gave you a chance. Far be it from me to not see pieces and where they fit. I saw you, I was dangerous to you. So you pulled back in to your shell and moved on when I made a mistake. You do not have the slightest clue what love is. Stay looking out for number one. Feign your emotions until you find you a puppet that will bend and dance to your demands. Happiness is your carrot on a stick. I doubt you will ever know the taste.

2012-06-02T10:01:00.002-07:00

Well, this one left me too. God, I love her. She thinks she was not enough for me. She thinks she can trust me. I messed up, but not enough to break real trust. She is wrong in this, but I will be vindicated through time and common sense. Who will not see proof of the truth? Someone that is looking for reasons. She found hers. What shameful light she has cast on me. It is not my shade or to my liking. I did mess up, but nothing deserving of this. I love her. I would not actively compromise that. Ghosts of the past can cause very real damage.

2012-05-22T22:40:00.002-07:00

I would paint it in John Deere Green on the town water tower, but, telling people with a bit of excitement cuts the mustard too. Having enough. That is such a brown paper bag expression. When you look into the bag, magic. When have you really had enough? In a positive manner. Sated. Happy. Why would you want something else or more? If you have, it is a calming feeling. The opposite of greed. Having more actually would ruin what you already have. This is a true happiness in life. I have it. She just told me she did too. My bob in heaven. This is a perfect little gay life moment Kodak had wet dreams about. Too bad my disposable camera was left in 1998. I am happy to say I am enough. I am someone's someone. Now to not mess it up in Shakespearean comedic fashion. Let the path to a happy relationship that will be worth all the effort and labor it takes to have one that lasts until you die.

2012-05-21T20:41:00.002-07:00

How do can you be so absolutely sure about "the one". Yet, they show no signs of exuberance. Voicing fear, yet showing what appears to be indifference. I know she is my one and only. I want this woman until the day I leave this Earth. This is the faith barrier. I know I am in love with her. I know. I feel it. I see it everyday. Everything I do is motivated by love. Right now it is from one of four sources: for myself, for my daughter, for her, or for everyone else I care for. These are in no particular order.
What happens if I am wrong ? The only big thing would be that I would be wrong. Again. The oto dds are not in my favor. However, I am still rooting for the home team. Love. Now if I could only beam my thoughts in to her head.

It still feels incomplete. I see her walls. I do not wish to break them down. I prefer to be let in the front door. Belonging there is much preferable to conquest. I am not much of a conquistador. She fears I seek control. Control means two things A) more stress for me. I have enough trouble pulling my own strings. B) I change the woman from the one I fell in love with to something else. Why would I want that.

Oh well I can harp on this shit forever. Bottom line is I do not think I am wrong about her. If I am, it is going to suck some big ones. But, if I am right, and I know I am. I will show her everyday how I feel.
Pill are hittingllllllllllll slightly out of left field. Strange, my knee still has a crawling pain.d

2012-05-07T20:04:00.004-07:00

WTF!!! Really, I have no luck this year. My little brain is out of commission. I hope this crap is sorted out soon. I can't be peeing orange all year.

2012-05-03T14:01:00.002-07:00

I was driving to work when I caught my eye in the rear view. This came to mind: I caught my eye in the review; I never thought this was something I'd do.
You were only a waste of time alive. A smirk crosses my face as I drive.Only one question now, how deep into the ground? Don't worry , you will feel the rain. No question , a shallow grave.
So long, goodbye, you don't matter anymore. Your glazed over eyes are the ones I adore.
Goodbye, so long, I can look ahead. Now your heart reflects your life, dead.

2012-04-25T16:53:00.004-07:00

My female companionship situation is looking up. Still, I have to qualify it as a situation instead of a relationship. But, in this case, I will take what I can get. You can only look at the world through wax paper so long before you want to make some cookies. That is not meant to make sense, but I hope you took some time to figure it out. :) Actually it does, but who cares. If I am finally seen as a suitable life partner,holy crap, dreams come true with confetti and a parade. Actually, I would be quite happy. It is what it is. I know where I stand. Right at the edge of your rabbit hole, waiting for you to pop out.Wonderland has much to offer, but the real world has a more tactile feel.

2012-03-07T21:01:00.000-08:00

Well today I write in a blog. That is because a freaking journal can be found. My ex-girlfriend and my brother both found my journal. I have still yet to see the damn thing. Back to the task at hand. Complaining about my problems to a computer screen in a highly public manner.
This story all starts with my now ex-wife, B1. We were married for 5 years. 3 of which were not too bad. We had our fair share of fights. The sex life was a bit stressed, but since I was a douche, I can understand why she was not the most offering of partners. We still loved each other, I think I still do today. We ended in divorce because I was a total douche bag, and she had an affinity for penis that was not mine. Needless to say, the two do not mesh well on the compatibility scale that e-harmony offers. Destine for failure.

My ex wife was my first. Go figure. We divorced in 2010. My first adventure outside of my ex-wife's vagina occurred around the July holiday season. Yep, I celebrated with a bang bang or two. M was pretty awesome as far as personality went, there was a catch of course. Well, something to catch. We spend most of the month together, not really in a committed relationship. I know, because I asked. You will see this pattern emerge. We did quite a bit in the month we had together, blew up a bunch of things on the 4th. She even came to Clarksville and stayed with me for a few days. I even bought her some gifts from the Country music hall of fame. Hank Williams was her idol of sorts, so I picked up an original piece of art work. I even gave her a computer, it later made its way to my buddy Brian. At least someone is enjoying it. M never complained about sex, to my amazement it was just the opposite. She was insatiable. Too bad I could not feel much due to the condoms. Those lasted about a week since a 14 pack would disappear in 3 days. Sex apparently was not a bad thing anymore. She was only the second girl to my list of inadvertent conquests. I was really hoping this would lead to something great. To my horror I was exposed to the wonderful world of vagina demons. Lucky for me it was only Trich.
Four pills of Flagyl and my worries were clear. I was deployed when I received the news. I was sweating bullets at the aid station. I thought I was going to get "rodded on to the range". You know, have my urethra (penis hole tube) swabbed for nasty unknowns. But I just got the pills. Thank God. I got soap up there once, and it was the worst burning a 6 year old could feel.

After I broke the news to M. that we would not be seeing each other after my return from Afghanistan, I was single. Hooray! However B2. would arrive to my Facebook to sweep me off my internet toes. We talked for a few months, speaking of how great random silly shit is. I though to myself " Not only is this girl cute, she is quirky too!" Perfect for a random ADHD kid like myself. M heard about B2 on Facebook. Oh man was she pissed. Replaced by a girl that looks 16. She was 21 and has since gained and unsightly amount of weight. Bad Karma will make you fat. B2 was only a flash in the pan, however she made off like a b-side contest winner. She got a new DSLR camera out of me and several quirky action figures. Even some artwork I picked up. I did however get most of that back. Just not the damn camera. Oh well. Not the first time I lost one to the ladies. B2 was seeing a couple of other dudes on the side. I will leave it at that. I give until it hurts I guess. Strangely, again, this was easy to walk away from.

After B2, B1 returned. This was a recurring theme for us until this passed Winter. Details will soon pop out, along with the Devil.

I met C. at a zombie walk in Nashville through mutual friend. Come to find out, she was eyeballing my brother most of the night. Somehow, I managed to swoop in for the make out session at the bar. I was fresh off the heels of my last break up with B1. Yes, I broke up with her again. C. and I never kissed again until 3 weeks later, after I had hurt myself at Air Assault School. I was supposed to be moving to Fort Benning with in a few months, however my injury prevented that. I did not mind, because I had this smoking hot girl that was interested in me. After a month of coming over and dating we ended up sleeping together. Number 4 is in the books. I was trying real hard to keep it there. She was trying just the opposite. I wanted a commitment. I told her this. She said we could be FWB. Well, that sounds good on paper. Then your paper gets someone else's protein stains and you get a bit upset. C. liked to date around. I am a one woman kind of dude. However, sex seemed to keep her in the yard so to speak. She eventually committed, it was too late by then, I was having head aches and had lost interest in even coming home, as we had moved in together. Dumb idea. One of many I have made. Come to find out, she is the master of penile mental manipulation.It was how I " let" her move in. It was how she strung me along for 2 months with out a commitment, some of the time we lived together. Sex was great, she knew it, so did my penis. My goodness was it difficult to say no. But I eventually did it. Feb 13th. Great day to break up. That was the end of the commitment. Feb 15 was the end of the FWB. During my 5 month tenure with C. I had two encounters with B1. Neither of which ended in sex. Not that there was much difference in the actual outcome.
I do not feel guilty now since I know that she was juggling dudes like a professional circus act. However, every time she comes around, I have difficulty....well with not having sex with her. God if it is not difficult. But I have so far refused her services twice. Here is to not doing it every time to follow.

Now enter N. The only comparable relationship I have to her is that of my ex-wife. The first love of my life. N. surpasses her in every way. I am still quite taken with her, even though we are no longer together. Once again, I have a woman with commitment issues on my hands. She has expressed that she does indeed Love me. I do Love her. There is this freaking parallel life event thing we have going on right now that is hard to explain. Basically our lives are fun house mirroring one another right now. We seem to have met each other for a reason. That unfortunately is not clear. I caused some chaos in her life by talking with a text stranger that happened to have and interest in what I had to say. Oops. Fuck me. I almost lost her there. But low and behold if the outcome did not benefit her life on a large scale. I don't know what to do with my hands around this girl. But maybe she will feed them to the llamas. She means the world to me, so I will not be sharing much in the way of details.