Life in a Parallel Universe

Teenage Lobotomy

2009-08-31T23:51:00.000+08:00

Lobotomy, lobotomy, lobotomy, lobotomy!
DDT did a job on me
Now I am a real sickie
Guess I'll have to break the news
That I got no mind to lose
All the girls are in love with me
I'm a teenage lobotomy

Slugs and snails are after me
DDT keeps me happy
Now I guess I'll have to tell 'em
That I got no cerebellum
Gonna get my Ph.D.
I'm a teenage lobotomy

~lyrics to Teenage Lobotomy by The Ramones

Lobotomy, from the Greek work lobostomos literally translate to slicing the lobe of the brain. It is used in the 1930s to 1950s to treat disorders such as clinical depression, anxiety disorders and schizophrenia [source: Wikipedia].

If I were alive circa 1930s-1950s, I might've been a prime candidate for a lobotomy...I suffer from schizorphrenia, you see. I have split personalities. Sometimes I am Jimmy Foo, sometimes I am Gerrard Lim.

Jimmy Foo is very, very busy at work. I guess you guys can tell by the frequency of his blog posts. However, Gerrard Lim is quite free, he is a college student after all. Therefore, Gerrard will fill in for Jimmy whenever Jimmy's busy.
You can follow Gerrard in his very own blog, Gerrard Lim's Liverpool Diary.

Happy reading...

Spot The Difference

2009-06-23T01:38:00.001+08:00

The Simpsons somehow reminds me of the English Premier League. The resemblence is quite uncanny. Don't believe me? Try and spot the diferrence. I bet you can't...

Mr Burns or Arsene Wenger?

Rafa Benitez or The Comic Book Guy?

Sir Fergie or Granpa Simpson?

Big Sam or Barney Grumble?

Chief Wiggum or Steve Bruce?

Moe The Barkeeper or Moyes the Manager?

Sigh...I miss the EPL.

The Most Ridiculous Movie Ever....

2009-06-21T22:32:00.002+08:00

"TRUE! — nervous — very, very dreadfully nervous I had been, and am; but why will you say that I am mad? The disease had sharpened my senses — not destroyed — not dulled them. Above all was the sense of hearing acute. I heard all things in the heaven and in the earth. I heard many things in hell. How, then, am I mad? Harken! and observe how healthily — how calmly I can tell you the whole story."

First paragraph of The Tell-Tale Heart by Edgar Allan Poe

I have kept this to myself long enough. I can no longer stand it. I know that this is not something new, but I just have to let it out....

DIE HARD 4 IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS MOVIE EVER.

Plain and simply the most retarded piece of turd that Hollywood has decided to flush bukkake style onto my face.

Here's why:

1. Justin "Mother-F*****g" Long
Screams like a biatch, whiny piece of shit. If I get a dollar for every time I wished he gets killed in the movie, I'd be rich. Heck, if he is the face of Apple, I will buy Microsoft any day...BSOD and all. You can shove your iPhone up you-know-where.

2. Bruce Willis and his infinity bullets
Remember the scene where McClane goes to retrieve Justin Long's character (can't remember the name) at the opening of the movie? McClane actually reloads his handgun at least 3-4 times. WTF? A cop that is on his way home, presumably off duty, carries 3-4 clips of bullets?? And guess what...he has more in his glovebox! Man, Rambo and The Punisher must be turning green with envy.

3. The scene in the tunnel
The bad guys are on hot pursuit in a helicopter. Our heroes decides to evade them baddies by going into a tunnel. Ooh...but the baddies have control over the national grids! They turn off the lights in the tunnel and pandemonium! Cars crash into each other, cars doing ridiculous backflips, only to miss the good guys by mere inches....bla bla bla.
When the dust settles, except for a couple of guys seen staggering from the vehicle, (suprise, suprise!) the tunnel is empty!!! What? A big budget Hollywood production can't afford more extras? Oh, but here's there fun part...McClane gets mad and decides to take down the helicopter! He gets into a car, speeds off, and just as the car about to hit a barrier, jumps out of it. The car hits the barrier, propels upwards and hits the helicopter. The best bit about this is when McClane drives off, you can see all the cars involved in the crash were conviniently "parked" at the sides of the road, giving him a clear run towards the exit. Did I also mention he took down a helicopter?

4. Maggie Q defies death
In a scene in a power plant (or something), McClane crashes into Maggie Q at full speed. She doesn't die. She hangs on in front of the truck. McClane crashes the truck through a few glass and such...Maggie Q still looks as hot as ever. Maggie Q falls down the lift shaft (in the truck) and it explodes...suprisingly, she dies this time. I was half expecting her to come back again, you know like in those B grade horror flicks when you think the bad guy is dead and then BOO!

5. McClane takes down a fighter jet
...while driving a Mack truck. 'nuff said.

So there you go...five reasons why the movie sucks. There are probably more...like the exploding desktops...but I am tired and I got a movie to catch.

If you disagree with me, you are just being idiotic. Sigh.

I am back...

2009-06-21T21:36:00.003+08:00

Whew...I can't believe that it's been more than three months since my last post. The thing is I recently got a new job...and has been quite busy from the get-go. Anyways, I guess that I have finally got into the groove of things and life can (hopefully) get back to normal now.

I have also recently discovered Squidoo. I have created a few lenses on David Gemmell's books; the Drenai Series. Do have a look and tell me what you think, especially all you fantasy buffs out there. I have also decided to start a new blog about reading for guys. I will give updates on that later. Watch this space.

Also, I hope to resume my challenge I put myself to quite sometime ago...The Fifty Word Challenge.

So, there you go. A brief re-introduction to the life of Jimmy Foo. Normal service will resume (hopefully) very soon...

Stay tuned. Don't touch that dial, I will be right back....

Conversations in the Office

2009-03-09T22:35:00.003+08:00

After the virus incident, I naturally shared my experience with a few close colleagues. It was great fun, I tell you! For a few days, I felt like a small time celebrity in the office pantry.

During one of my story telling sessions, a colleague of mine, Siti shared her own experience. This allegedly happened a few years ago when she was working in a government organization.

An Ang Moh conslutant wanted to see the Senior Director of her department. He walked up to the Director's secretary (who was sitting accross Siti) and said, "Hi, I am here to see En. Hamid."

"Oh. I am sorry, sir. En. Hamid just past away five minutes ago." replied En. Hamid's secretary with a smile.

You can imagine the shock that registered on this consultant's face. Before he could say anything though, the secretary chirped in.

"Nevermind, sir. Maybe you sit down and wait. He will be back five minutes."

LOL! Stupid bitch probably meant that En Hamid had just stepped away for five minutes.

Pity the Ang Moh fella. Welcome to Malaysian English. Sigh.

My Very Own "Dilbert" Moment

2009-02-08T16:24:00.010+08:00

It was just after lunch one day in the office. I was minding my own business when up walked our busty Marketing Manager.

"Jimmy...I heard you just installed a virus in our network. Is this true?"

"Huh?...Virus? No way! Why would I install any virus?"

"That's weird...Thomas from Finance told me that his department has been using the virus since yesterday. I was hoping you can help me setup my machine to use it."

My mind went into overdrive. Installed a virus? Using the virus since yesterday?? Setup machine to use the virus??? WTF???!

In a split second, the provebial light bulb went on in my head. Suddenly, it all began to make sense...

"Ohh...you mean the WIRELESS network?"

"Yeah la...that's what I said...virus la."

Stupid Ah Lian bitch. Sigh...

Conversations With Burger Man

2008-12-14T22:56:00.004+08:00

There's this Ramly burger stall near my place that I frequent. The stall is located near a busy intersection along a row of shop houses. Therefore, being the considerate citizen that I am, I normally park my car a few blocks away and walk up to the stall to get my burgers (as opposed to double parking which most idiots resort to). Since this guy's (let's call him Burger Man) burgers are quite popular, there's usually quite a long queue. He even has a tag line ..."Deli Burger: It's worth the wait." While waiting for my Burger Ayam Special, I usually get into small talk with Burger Man.

One day, he said "Jimmy, next time you should call before you come. I will have it ready for you. Don't have to wait so long. Call me 15 minutes before you come."

He then pointed to a placard in front of his stall: "0XX-XXXXXXX - NO NEED TO WAIT. CALL 15 MINS BEFORE YOU ARRIVE."

Although it's quite a neat idea, it isn't quite useful for me. I usually grab a burger when I am in the vicinity for chores (e.g. collecting my laundry, getting petrol, groceries, etc).

So I quipped "Bang, you should also have delivery as well la. Like McDonalds."

"Adaaaa" he said. "We provide service up to your doorstep."

"Huh? Seriously?"

"Yeah...you call me to order. In fifteen minutes you drive down here and give me a honk; I will deliver to your doorstep...your car doorstep" he said with a grin.

"We also used to accept orders via e-mail too. But its quite a chore la, running up and down from there" he said, indicating to the cyber cafe two doors down.

Talk about being pwnd. Sigh

Japanese Zoo Drill (plus bonus joke)

2008-12-14T03:47:00.002+08:00

Man...if you thought my previous post about the home security system was absurd, check out this video of a supposed Japan zoo drill.

I am not really sure if this dry run would be useful if a real rhino does escape....

While watching the clip, I recalled this gem of a joke...

A Japanese man who just landed at LAX walks up to a money changer. He hands in a bunch of Yen to the cashier.

Japanese Man: Amelican lollars, prease.
Cashier (handing over the Dollars in exchange for Yens): Here you go, sir.
Japanese Man (frowning): Why so little?
Cashier: Fluctuations...
Japanese Man: Oh yeah?! Fluck you Amelicans too!

Racist jokes never fail to crack me up. Sigh.

"Supernatural" Home Defense System?

2008-12-13T18:33:00.005+08:00

This is amazing. You know the usual news about burglars breaking into homes during the holiday season? Well, this home owner seems to have found the perfect solution to safeguard his home.

He returned home after Hari Raya Haji to find a burglar trapped in his house. Instead of contacting the police, he called an ambulance to rush the burglar (who was fatigued and dehydrated after being trapped in the house for 72 hours) to the hospital instead.
This is the interesting bit. According to the burglar, he "was blinded once he was inside and felt like he was in a cave". When he tried escaping he "felt a ‘supernatural figure’ shoving me to the ground".

Read the full article in The Star:

Burglar who picked the 'wrong' house

Imagine if this "security" system is installed in houses, banks and even vehicles. I bet you (a cup of teh tarik) that crime rates in Malaysia will spiral down to zero!

...Wishful thinking, I know. Sigh...

Conversations in a Pub

2008-10-12T13:49:00.004+08:00

Setting: The Watering Hole, two tables away from the live band. 10:45PM Friday.

ACT ONE
The band was belting out Skynyrd's Sweet Home Alabama. People were shouting themselves coarse trying to keep up with their conversations. Friend from the next table walks up to Jimmy.

Friend: "Hey Jimmy. Come meet my friend Dave."

Jimmy: "Hi Dave."

Friend: "Dave used to be a record holder back in Uni. He downed a pint of beer in 3.2 seconds, dude!"

Jimmy: "Haha...you must've been thirsty, eh?"

Dave: "Sorry?"

Jimmy: "I said you must have been thirsty."

Dave: "No. Not really...I am just 28 actually."

Jimmy: "No, no...I said..."

....and yet some people wonder why I rather stay in on Friday nights. Sigh.

The Class Clown

2008-10-08T03:53:00.003+08:00

According to Billy Crystal, there’s a distinction between a class clown and a comedian. A class clown according to him “was the guy at graduation who walked out to get his diploma, would hike up his gown, moon his parents and run off the stage”. The comedian on the other “was the guy who talked him into doing it”.

Now, I am not saying that I am a comedian (although I try hard to be funny – sometimes with disastrous results; but that’s a story for another day). But it certainly brought back memories of Mohan, my best pal when we were 9 or 10. We went to the same school and were in the same class.

Mohan was always looking for attention. He was a single child. His dad was a civil servant and his mom was a nurse in a government hospital. Since both his parents worked, he would be left alone at home in the care of his elderly neighbour. I guess the lack of attention at home explains his yearning for it in school. He would laugh the loudest at jokes. He would make the class laugh by giving the silliest answers during quizzes. Once he even brought his mom’s Cosmopolitan magazine to school and showed it to everyone. Now, when you are a boy of nine or ten, Cosmopolitan with its racy articles and glam shots of models was pornography (heh…those were the days). OK…I am digressing. Anyway back to the topic.

Mohan was a personality. He was the most boisterous kid in class. During breaks, everyone would gather around him to listen to his outrageous stories. I remember that his antics used to get him into a lot of trouble – in fact he was marched off to the Discipline Master’s office no less than ten times. And more than once, I was the culprit behind it all.

One of these incidents occurred during Ms Ang’s English lessons. She was very strict about us not eating in class. We used to have a game where we passed around a bag of M&Ms or Smarties and pop them into our mouth whenever her back was turned. It turned into a game of Chicken; everyone was trying to outdo each other by trying to pop as many of those candies as we possibly could into our mouths. After a while, Ms Ang got to know of our ruse. Once she caught any of us, she would force the guilty party to hold out his tongue; thus concealing a colourful tongue. I can still remember her shrill screams, “CLASS! FOR THE LAST TIME! NO FOOD IN CLASS!!!”

Then one day, I came up with an idea. Every Wednesdays, we had art class right after Ms Ang’s English lessons. Therefore, we would bring along our art supplies – paint brushes, water colours, and crayons. It was during one of these Wednesdays, when we were doing a particularly boring English assignment when Mohan took out his crayons and started doodling on his workbook (If I remembered correctly, it was a battle scene between Batman and the Ninja Turtles). It was then that the proverbial light bulb triggered in my head.

“Hey Mohan, remember what Ms Ang said about no food in class?”

“Uh huh…” his eyes were lighting up with a mischievous grin.

I guess he could anticipate the excitement in my voice, knowing that I am hatching up something naughty once again.

“Well, those crayons aren’t food are they?”

“Uh huh…” A grin was developing on his face.

“So if Ms Ang catches you eating them, she wouldn’t be able to punish you right?”

“Ha ha ha…I guess not” he laughed out.

Several of our classmates sitting near us were starting to look in our direction; knowing very well that Mohan’s goofy laugh was always the preamble to one of his famous pranks. Mohan broke his green crayon in half – the one that he was using to sketch Donatello hitting Batman in the crotch with his staff – and popped it into his mouth.

“How is it? Does it taste good?” I was trying my best not to laugh out loud.

“Yuck…it’s horrible” he grimaced.

“Wait. Here try this one. It might taste better.” I egged him on, handing him a yellow stick of crayon now.

By this time, the whole class was on to his act. Several of them are starting to giggle now. Noticing the attention that he was getting, Mohan beamed.

“Mmm, Jimmy. This one tastes better. Pass me the red one. I think it might be strawberry flavoured” he exclaimed loudly.

One or two of the boys begin to laugh out loud. This seems to have a snowball effect on the class. All of the sudden, the whole class erupted in laughter.

“What’s the matter?!” Ms Ang shouted.

Several of the boys pointed towards Mohan. Ms Ang’s piercing eyes are now trained at Mohan.

“Mohan Ramasamy! What the devil are you up to now?”

“Nothing, Ms Ang. I am just rearranging my crayon set.”

Mohan tired to put on his most angelic face. Ms Ang was not about to buy it though. She walked over to Mohan.

“Are you eating in class again?”

“Err…no” Mohan was trying his best to stifle his grin.

“Open your mouth!”

Mohan opened his mouth. With a smile, he stuck out his multi coloured tongue.

“OK young man. Hand them over. Where are you hiding the candies now?”

Ms Ang looked around his desk looking for the evidence.

“I didn’t eat any candies.”

“Then how do you explain your tongue?” Ms Ang hissed.

“I was eating these” he pointed to his box of crayons innocently.

The whole class erupted into another round of laughter. I looked at Ms Ang’s bewildered face. It was priceless.