The population of the Isle of Man is 81 672

24 357 of those people are either retired or are tax exiles who no longer want/need to work.

Another 23 355 are at school or college so aren’t yet part of the work force.

Of the 33 960 folk left a huge 19 247 are in the public sector ie. police, fire service, hospital, House of Keys, local government, transport etc.

Of the 14 713 that are left, 475 are in hospital, 1750 are currently signed off with ill health, 1725 are unemployed, 411 are in prison or the cells up at the grandstand and 10 350 are here illegally so don’t count.

That leaves 2 of us – me and you – doing all the work and all you are doing is sat there reading this. No wonder I’m knackered!

I spent most of the weekend trying to decide which new laptop I was going to buy. I finally went for an Asus, the fist time I hadn’t gone with an Acer Aspire for years.

Having finally made my choice I ordered in the early hours of Monday morning – 2am to be exact.

As tends to be the norm the price included delivery for UK mainland only while an Isle of Man delivery carried a £9.99 surplus.

I don’t begrudge paying the extra tenner especially as it said delivery would be 1 to 2 days for offshore islands as apposed to the guaranteed next day delivery the mainlanders get.

So I was a bit pissed off when I get a text at 11:05am on Tuesday informing me it was being “dispatched today.” My order would have been sat waiting for them when they got to work on Monday morning so why didn’t it go out on Monday?

I went back and double checked – the laptop is in stock and yes they are still guaranteeing next day delivery for UK mainland.

Is it a case of “well we can’t get it there by tomorrow so why rush, pressure is off” ?

At 5pm today (Tuesday) I received an email from the courier – a company called Box – telling me it will be delivered on the 5th and could I be sure someone is in to sign for it.

So in their world then the Isle of Man takes 4 days to reach!

I wouldn’t mind but Monday evening I ordered a new cordless drill from Screwfix. I waited for the free shipping to disappear after I entered the Manx post code but it didn’t. I thought it’s probably because it doesn’t recognise the post code but it did.

It arrived just after midday on Tuesday, 18 hours after I ordered it.

So does it cost considerably more for an Isle of Man delivery compared to say London to Glasgow? Do some companies swallow the cost themselves while others don’t have the margins?

Can someone tell Jimmy why one company can get a delivery here the next day at no extra cost while another charges £10 extra and takes 4 days?

Answers below please……………..rant over.

Thomas Gelling had promised himself way back in 1997 that he would one day become Mayor of Douglas when having just had a nice liquid lunch in Casey’s, he stepped out into Strand St and was almost immediately shat upon by one of the many pigeons that frequent the Douglas shopping street.

Since that fateful day Thomas Gelling gave himself a mission and the days of the Douglas pigeons were numbered.

Fast forward 12 years and part 1 of the mission is complete as Councillor Gelling becomes Mayor of Douglas and immediately starts making noises about the pigeons being a nuisance and how he would like his tenure to be remembered as “The man who rid Douglas of its pigeons.”

Advisers warn of the damaging publicity poisoning the islands wildlife would bring and how the islands ‘greenies’ (sic) would be “up in arms.”

Determined to keep the promise he made to himself he turns to the mighty Google for a humane solution. “If I can’t kill the sods, maybe I can at least banish them from the island” the Mayor thinks to himself while watching the bane of his life circling above the town from his Chambers window.

After a few hours digging deep into Google he learns of a Yorkshire man who cleared the pigeons from Balmoral for the Queen’s head game keeper. Using the power of his office and playing the Celtic card he manages to get a phone call through to the Scottish game keeper who in turn passes the number of the Yorkshire man to him together with the warning “the guy ain’t cheap.”

The warning proves to be correct and the Yorkshire man demands £50K in ‘used’ English notes. The Mayor works hard to convince his inner circle the money would be well spent and after much debate its agreed they will pay the money but keep the plan from the public and Tynwald until after the pigeons are gone – just in case it doesn’t work.

The Yorkshire man is contacted, the deal is done and he’s heading for the 2am boat from Heysham to the island. The fate of the pigeons is sealed as long as the Yorkshire man is genuine and if he’s not “I’ll have him locked up” the Mayor tells himself.

The boat is in on time and the Yorkshire man is approached by the customs man who would like to know what’s in the wicker basket he is carrying so carefully but he is soon waved through after getting a nod from Inspector Kneale who along with Minister Phil Gawne from DAFF is with the Mayor to greet the diminutive, flat capped foreigner from the boat.

As one of the Manx Constabularies finest, Inspector Kneale is normally to be found in the Town Hall where he heads the recently formed Douglas Community Safety Partnership.

This morning however he’s trying to work out how guarding £50K in cash and meeting dodgy Yorkshiremen fitted into his mandate of “improving the quality of life in the Borough of Douglas.”

“Getting rid of the pigeons could fall under my jurisdiction” he tried to convince himself. The trouble was he was pretty sure that this was nothing more than a scam and had only offered his services to the Mayor so he was on hand when/if a crime was committed this morning.

Pleasantries out of the way the Yorkshire man insists they get started right away as dawn is the best time and he’d like to get back to his beloved Yorkshire asap.

He tells them he needs to be at the end of town when the day breaks so they head for Sam Webbs.

“You got my cash?” asks the Yorkshire man. Inspector Kneale gives the Mayor a look that says “I hope you know what the hell you are doing yessir” and places the briefcase on one of the tables outside Sam’s. He flicks open the catches and opens it to reveal the £50,000 in cold hard cash.

The Mayor has waited nearly 13 years rid Douglas of its Pigeons and he’s so close now he can almost taste the revenge. His heart is pumping and he’s praying the Yorkshire man can really pull it off.

“Can we get started? The light is getting up and much as I could really do with a drink I would like to be done before Christine and Steve open the pub doors if possible. I don’t really want an audience” the Mayor says.

The Yorkshire man grins at the Mayor – “we’ll be done in 20 minutes” he tells the 3 men.

He places the wicker basket next to the cash, carefully opens it up, puts his hand in and pulls out a bright pink dove.

The bright pink dove coos at the Yorkshire man as he gently strokes it while moving to the middle of the street.

He gives it a kiss and whispers “take em with you precious” and then launches the pink dove into the air as the 3 Manx men watch it go like an arrow flying 6ft above the ground into castle Street and on to Strand Street.

It disappears from view and the men turn to the Yorkshire man. The Mayor, distress clearly noticeable in his voice says “you’ve lost it, its gone, what’s happening?”

The Yorkshire man smiles and replies “she’ll be back soon enough.”

Sure enough Inspector Kneale shouts “look, what’s that?” They all stare down the street and see what looks like a huge grey ball rolling quickly towards them.

By the time the ball reaches The Strand shopping center they can make out that its not a ball, its thousands and thousands of pigeons and they are chasing the pink dove.

Within 2 seconds the 4 men are all lying face down on the floor as the pink dove sweeps past and then up high into the sky with the pigeons in hot pursuit. They circle a few times over the Villa marina gardens before coming back and diving into Strand Street again.

A minute later they are back but this time the flock has doubled. As it again circles above the gardens the 3 Manx men can’t believe what they are seeing. Every pigeon in Douglas is now in that one giant flock.

The pigeons follow the pink dove out over the harbour and the men watch in silence as the dove finally sets a southerly course and leads the pigeons off into the distance.

“I’ve never witnessed anything like that in my life” says the Daff Minister

“Are they really gone” asks the grinning Mayor

“Gone forever” says the Yorkshire man as he picks up the briefcase of cash

“I don’t suppose you have a pink Scouser in that basket?” asks Inspector Kneale

Get your legs wrapped around one of those!