So after having a child and moving my practice to a different location, I decided that it was necessary to re-evaluate the WATER Method. After all, its important to do a little introspection every now and then. After some thought I realized that something wasn’t quite right.

If you’re not familiar with the WATER Method, go ahead and check out my explanation of it on my main page. Basically WATER stands for Words, Actions, Thoughts, Emotions and Results – the Five things you can change about yourself and the world around you. But then it dawned on me that a fundamental idea was missing in all this.

The idea was the Rules, or core values, that we have that shape many of the Words, Actions, Thoughts and Emotions we have about issues in our lives. Ever have a negative thought or idea about yourself, or call yourself names, like “stupid” or “fat”? Sometimes these are based in negative rules we have about ourselves and the world around us, and sometimes those Rules have to change.

Granted, I’m usually not one to go around suggesting that we change many of our Core Values or Rules. Most of the time those Rules are a good thing, but every now and then they’re not. In future posts, I’m going to go into this concept a bit more, so we can get a sense of what we can expect from changing the Rules we have set up that may be hurting us.

Last week, a new show aired on NBC called “Breakthrough With Tony Robbins.” Now I’ve made no qualms about the fact that I’m kind of a fan of Tony’s even though there are some things that he does that I don’t agree with. Either way, the man knows how to get people off their butts and improving their lives, and hey, who wouldn’t like that, right?

If you haven’t seen the show, click the picture above to go to NBC.com’s website and you can watch it there.

The first episode showcased a couple, Frank and Karen Alioto, that got married two years ago and suffered from a terrible accident on the day they got married. Frank became bound to a wheelchair, and as a result, it completely changed the dynamics of their relationship from lovers to caretaker and caretakee. Tony flies them out to his home in Fiji and gets them started right away. He tells them that their first task is to go skydiving together. This is where the theraputic theory comes into play.

Albert Bandura is the father of Social-Cognitive Theory. Within his theory is a system called “the Self System” which is instrumental in our concepts about ourselves. Additionally, he also came up with the concept of Self-Efficacy, which is “the belief in one’s capabilities to organize and execute the courses of action required to manage prospective situations” (Self-Efficacy in Changing Societies, Bandura, 1995, p. 2).

After watching “Breakthrough”, much of what Tony was doing with this couple was challenging their Self-Efficacy. He was asking them to put aside their beliefs about their own capabilities and execute courses of action that would help them save their marriage. Tony’s methods seem a bit unorthodox, but they seemed to work for this couple. Bear in mind too, that there are some people out there unwilling to change their concepts of self, and an effective coach or therapist must be skilled enough to be able to size up their client, and be able to offer solutions that will work best for them. If I told some of my clients that they needed to go skydiving to manage their fear of heights, I doubt it would go over well.

Bandura also mentions that developing strong efficacy is through “mastery experiences.” These experiences are a double edged sword. If completed, they can improve one’s self-efficacy. If failed, they can weaken it. So Tony needed to make sure he was making the right call with this couple, and that the tasks he sent them on were going to work. Otherwise, he could have done more harm than good.

Tony also used Bandura’s concept of social modeling, which basically states that if you witness someone doing something successfully, then it increases your belief in your ability to do it. This was shown through Frank being taught how to play Murderball, and rooming with a guy who was also bound to a wheelchair, but had a successful and loving relationship with his wife.

So what’s my point? My point is that Tony uses in practice some very powerful psychological techniques taken straight from the playbook of Albert Bandura. I’m sure there are some methods I missed, and some parts of his technique that draw from other areas of expertise. However, my goal in pointing this show out to you is to get you motivated to check it out, and question your own irrational beliefs, and to consider that the techniques used in the show are actually part of solid psychological theory.

Bear in mind too, that this is TV. So big budget skydiving trips and automobile repair are part in parcel with the funding necessary to put on a good show (never mind the plane tickets to Fiji). So like anything else, I would encourage you to recognize this show as an effective visual tool to draw experience from. Remember Bandura’s Social Modeling sourch of Self-Efficacy. If you can see someone else overcome their difficulties, what would it take for you to overcome yours?

Oh, and the next episode is on Tuesday night, 8pm/7pm Central.

Man, I haven’t updated in a while, have I? Well, if you’re still paying attention, I’ll be back on track shortly.

The reason for my absense: the wife and I just had a baby. Heck, I’m not even getting good sleep, but that doesn’t mean I can’t blog about stuff.

Upcoming posts: Lindsay Lohan and her sentencing, and how she can, and likely will, beat this situation. Also, cchr.org, and its claims that psychiatric medicine is…well the devil.

Any ideas for topics? Just let me know. I’ll be back soon!

- Jim

Which brings me to the topic at hand: Please and Thank You. I’ve been thinking a lot about this, mostly because I’ve got a child on the way,and if you’ve been in my shoes, you know exactly what I’m thinking. No, not when is my wife going to go back to normal, I mean the other thing – what am I going to teach this child with what I say and do?

Then I thought about manners. If you’ve ever been taught manners (I was, but I might be a dying breed), then you were taught to say please when you asked for something, and thank you when you recieved it. And if you were taught those things, you remember how annoying it was to have your mother or father constantly reminding you to say these things over and over again. Because when you’re a kid, you figure, “Hey, I got what I wanted. I really don’t need to do anything else.”

Then I thought about how often I really use Please and Thank You.

Do I say Please to everyone? No, because I guess I don’t have to. What about Thank You? Its a bit more common, but not really expected in our culture.

Exactly.

Somewhere along the lines, Please and Thank You became arbitrary statements made to save face. They became a means to an end, and done only for the purpose of getting what you wanted so your mum would leave you alone. Its like going to a restuarant and knowing that you have to leave a tip, but not really wanting to because you feel like its an arbitrary fee rather than a guarantee of good service from the waitstaff.

Then I thought to myself, “Why bother teaching him Please and Thank You, he’s only going to forget about it and not use it in the long run.” I seriously wonder how many adults were taught these considerations, and how long did it take for us to lose our courtesy?

Then it hit me. The reason why you teach him that stuff is the hope that he will take to it and he will use it later on. Back to the waitstaff example, I do my best to say Please when ordering food. Its just a nice thing to do, and it seems to affect service in a positive way. I try to say Thank You to my clients when they give me a copay or say something kind about the work I do with them.

So what’s my point? My point is that sometimes courtesy is a lost art. It is something that we’re taught early on, but somehow gets lost in the programming. But how did it get lost? My guess is that the behavior was not reinforced properly. Think about it. When you were a child, people “made you” say Please and Thank You. There wasn’t any incentive for doing so, or punishment for not doing so. Now granted, you have to pick your battles, but rewards and punishments don’t have to be severe. In fact, just a compliment to the child on how well s/he did when saying Please and Thank You might be all s/he needs.

And bear in mind too, that this most recent generation of teenagers seem to feel very entitled. If you’re saying Please and Thank You, how can you feel entitled? See what I mean? You get either one or the other.

So what if we decided to be a lot more polite to each other? What if we tried to take some of that social conditioning and use it for a change? There were reasons why someone tried to teach us these ideals, and maybe if we look hard enough, we can find the values behind them. Maybe then we can treat each other better, and I can only assume that everyone wants that right?

What do you think? Do you still say Please and Thank You? Or is it something that fades away?

Image by Martin Stranka

One of the things I’ve found in working with couples over the last 9 years, is that many of them come into session, and the session goes a little something like this:

Jack and Jill are fighting more frequently. Jack blames Jill for being too demanding, and they have stopped having intimate moments. Jill blames Jack for not helping out enough with the house and the children, and Jack is angry all the time.  The arguing in the office starts to escalate in just a matter of minutes. He said, She said. Back and forth.

Like Jack and Jill, many couples start to point fingers at their partner out of daily frustration and years of unresolved baggage between them. However, there’s one thing they’re forgetting: the only spouse you can change, is yourself. By stepping back from the confrontations, you can ask yourself, “How am I contributing to this problem? Where am I going wrong here?”

See, its real easy to point the finger, isn’t it? But when you look into your own issues, it gets a little more complicated. In fact, there are times when I run into couples who hear what their significant other says, and rather than address the issue, they hide behind a completely different issue! So shots are fired across the bow, and even though each partner hears the other, no one is really listening.

So the Result is that rather than digging into an issue and resolving it, we skirt away from it, and run even further away from where we are going wrong in the relationship. So much so, that perhaps we can’t even see it. Sound familiar? Hopefully not, but if it does, there’s hope for you yet!

So how do we fix it? Well, first we start with humility. Get over yourself (and I mean that in as sweetly and as lovingly as possible). You’re not perfect, and neither is your spouse. I understand that it would make you very happy to fix your significant other, but you have to recognize that you can’t control that person. They have to choose to change, and when/if they do, it means that much more. You can, however, control you, which is the next step.

Step 2 is taking a look at yourself, and realize what you’re doing wrong. I know that doesn’t feel very good, but hey, you want to make your relationship better, right? Well, that means work, and when you think of the word “work,” are you really thinking fun? My guess is no. So it means you have to take a second, and recognize that maybe some of your emotions about what’s going on here, might have something to do with you and what you’re doing wrong. Find one thing…just one, and own the thing you did wrong.

Step 3 is apologize for that thing. And please, don’t tell me you’re waiting for your partner to apologize first, because really, that’s just an excuse to not do it yourself. When does someone else’s bad behavior justify your own? Someone’s got to be the bigger person here, and take the first step. Does it always have to be you? No, and it shouldn’t always be you, and by recognizing you can’t control your partner, you’re taking a step toward improvement by taking responsibility.

See, if you’re humble, its hard for someone to be mean to you, unless they really don’t love you or don’t want to work out the relationship (and these people do exist, sadly). Humility is, in my opinion, half of the key to happiness. The other is gratitude.

Finally, step 4 is devising a plan of action. Its one thing to apologize (and if you’ve been reading me for a bit, you know how I feel about I’m Sorry), its another to take it step further by making a plan of action. By taking that step, you show, not just tell your partner that you mean business.

This is what I recommend to the couples I work with, because for many of them, they have been dealing with finger pointing for years. It has to stop somewhere, and with someone, so I usually try to encourage both of them to do it at the same time. That way, both parties are admitting a wrong-doing without the other doing the finger pointing, and can plan toward making ammends from there.

So consider looking at things a little differently. Its really easy when you’re mad to point the finger and shake it a few times. But what if you looked inward and took an account of where you’re going wrong, and then made ammends for it? Would that change your relationship?

I’m all ears.

Image from Redbookmag.com

In a day and age where everyone is telling the world about whatever is on their mind via Twitter, Facebook and other social networking devices, it seems that it is only fitting that we go one step further down the social networking spiral. That’s right! Anonymous posting of events in your life. See, its one thing to go and let everyone you know what’s going on, or even 1,800 total strangers (like I do from time to time…what is wrong with me? :) ), but its something entirely different when you can share an event with a bunch of people, and make it completely anonymous.

Enter FMyLife.com and GiveMeHope.com.  Two distinct sites with two distinct purposes. FMyLife, in case you couldn’t tell by the title, is a site where you share a terrible event: something ironic, funny, or just out and out painful, and at the end, put the letters: FML. In essence, the idea is that because something bad happened to you, well, then we should just *F* my life. Now granted, I understand the nuance of sarcasm, and recognize that this sort of thing can be helpful and cathartic. However, is saying F My Life really the way to go here?

And if it is, what does that say about our perceptions of life, and its value? This has to do with Words, what you say to yourself and others. The quesion here is, are your Words affecting how you perceive yourself and your life?

The other side of this coin is GiveMeHope.com. This site is all about things that happen to people, good but also some bad, that give people hope to go forward with their lives.  Same concept, but different spin. There is certainly a stronger level of optimism in the posts, and people seem to want to inspire others to hope as well.

So what’s my point here? Great, Jim. Two websites, one thinks life sucks, the other is about hope. Big deal.

Well, it is a big deal if you consider that our Words have been shown to affect our attitude about ourselves, our lives and those around us. Not only that, but it can also affect your overal physical health. Don’t believe me? Go take a look at what the Mayo Clinic has to say about the power of our words over our lives.  Here’s what popped out at me:

“Researchers continue to explore the effects of positive thinking and optimism on health. Health benefits that positive thinking may provide include:

• Increased life span
• Lower rates of depression
• Lower levels of distress
• Greater resistance to the common cold
• Better psychological and physical well-being
• Reduced risk of death from cardiovascular disease
• Better coping skills during hardships and times of stress “

So my point is, think about how your negative self talk and thinking affects you. I know it got the better of me this week (what, with my celebrity envy and all), and it really affected how I saw myself and my world. Once I snapped out of it, things seemed to go a lot better (I usually don’t let things get to me for more than a couple hours, give or take).

Moreover, think about what thinking positive can do for you. I’m not talking about the corny Stuart Smalley stuff. I’m talking about just straight up honesty about how good things are in your life. For me, the key to contentment in life is humility and gratitude. If you can’t be grateful for what you have, then you’re going to be ungrateful for what you don’t.

So be careful with all this FML stuff. Consider that perhaps your life and how you see it has much to do with your attitude, and if you let the negative stuff get  the best of you, it can have greater consequences than you think.

Kate Le Page also has a good article on this at Suite101.

On a housekeeping note, I have got to fix my email notifications, because it seems my WordPress doesn’t like telling me when I get comments. Its either that or my new Motorola Blur. Not sure which one is in the wrong here, but I’ll figure it out.

I haven’t been doing my usual “Monday and Thursday” blogging simply because I’ve been met with a quandry as of late. While part of this has to do with recent events involving the creation of a new human being, the rest of it has to do with this question:

Which is better: Feeling Great, or Doing Great Things? (this has nothing to do with me continuing to write a book…no…)

I found myself thinking a lot about this, mostly because I am split between the two. One the one hand, after a long day, I want to take some time to relax. In my field, we call this “self-care”, and place a high value on it, simply due to the nature of the work we do with people. At the same time, I can’t help but notice that there are people out there with less talent, less ability, less overall intelligence that have far more notoriety, influence and fortune than I do.

And I choose to let that drive me a little cuckoo.

Now that sounds a lot like I’m tooting my own horn, but if I didn’t believe I was a good therapist, then guess what…I wouldn’t be.

So as a result of sitting and watching people on TV (and maybe I’m just watching too much TV, and that’s my problem) do their thing and pimp out their self-help stuff, I can’t but sit here and think about how, if I had enough drive and motivation, I could probably do the same thing.

And yet, can I drag my own sorry behind out of the long hours and work with people to be able to go the extra mile and do what it takes to achieve that?

This decision has to do with all the  elements of the WATER Method: My Words are telling me that I deserve some time for myself, and that I want something more. My Actions show that I’m doing something in one direction, but not another. My Thoughts wander off into how I could be helping others and reaching more people. My Emotions are the feelings that I get when I think about these ideas. My Results are what I have right now, and what I could have if I change any of the other elements.

So when it comes right down to it, what do I value more? At any given point in time, that seems to change, and even if I want something bigger or better, am I willing to do what it takes?

A better question would be this: What do you value more? Do you think that its better to feel good in the moment, or plan ahead and feel good as a result of the things you accomplish?

Trick is though, each of these has their own fair share of consequences. Feel great now, but lost opportunity for accomplishment later. Do great things now, and suffer that difficulty, but feel great later for what you’ve achieved. Each has its own share of pros and cons.

What’s more: How does this affect your mental health? A strong part of mental/emotional health is feeling good or not feeling good, so is it better to feel good in the moment, or work through your issues so you have a longer lasting contentment?

Alright, I think I’ve talked enough. What do you think?

I was totally going to go with another topic as of late, but I realized that my last two topics have been increasingly synical and sarchastic. If I’m not careful, I’m going to end up like the guy Lewis Black portrays in those Aruba commercials. So in the interest of keeping positive, I’m going to touch on something a bit stronger, and it goes along with the recent theme of the conclusion of the recent Winter Olympic games.

If you’ve watched any of the games over the last two weeks (and gotten into it at all), you’ve seen victory and heartache all alike. Depending on who you were rooting for, you may have felt that same victory or heartache when your team or olympian succeeded or failed. In the moment, you’re not thinking about the opening ceremony. And why should you after all, that was a couple weeks ago, wasn’t it? And that was only a mere starting point for the actual games going on.

Ah, but if you recall the opening ceremony, you would know that there were hundreds of olympians, all vying for the same thing: Olympic Medals.

Yes, that’s right hundreds. Do you really think that every single person in there thought they were going to medal? Of course you didn’t, because you’re smart like that, and one step ahead of me as I presumed. Every one of those Oympians hoped they would win a medal, but many of them knew that a lot could go wrong, and with any competition, nothing is guaranteed.

I had the fortunate opportunity of watching most of the ice skating (like most other men, because my wife was watching it). Now normally this sort of thing bores me to tears, but as time went on I started to notice that completing these routines flawlessly was horribly difficult, and a few times people would fall on their butts trying to pull them off. If you know anything about figure skating, if you fall, you might as well just walk off the ice, because there is practically no way you’re going to get enough points to medal. You might, but its not likely. Yet, despite all this, those who fell kept skating, and continued their routine till completion.

Let’s take this a step further and about Joannie Rochette, the Canadian figure skater who’s mother passed away suddenly over the course of the games. Now I’ve worked with people who have lost loved ones, and if you’ve lost a loved one youreself, you know how difficult it can be, and how the mourning process seeps its way into every part of your life. Despite this, she found the strength and courage to press on toward the goal that she and her mother worked so hard for. She pressed on despite adversity, and got a bronze medal to show for it.

Then there are times when pressing forward doesn’t make much sense. My wife shared with me a story about how she worked for 200 hours on a self portrait for a college art class. The more she worked, the worse it got. After some thought and contemplation, she decided to start over. She finished the project in 2 hours, and got an “A”.

So what am I trying to say here? Well, some things are worth setting out to do, and some aren’t. My opinion is that if you can persevere, you should. If you don’t, that’s fine, its your life, but there is always going to be an easy way out. Maybe your approach is wrong, and all you need to do is tweak it a bit. My understanding is that no one accomplishes anything great without some level of sacrifice.

Its one thing to feel great, its another to do something great. This is actually going to be my topic for next week. In the meantime, your thoughts! Talk to me people.

So I took a week off from blogging for a couple of reasons. First, I didn’t have much to say, and the Valentine’s Day post seemed to get a lot of attention (though I may be misreading my spam folder).  The other is because I’ve been horribly busy (and in this business, when in time of feast you feast to prepare for possible famine). Anyway, I bring this topic up because I even found myself saying “sorry” to my wife for things I did (no, not for having a lousy Valentine’s Day…that was actually really cool), and I found a very peculiar thing.

I didn’t mean it.

Now granted, just because that’s what happened with me, doesn’t mean its what happens with everyone. However, I found that the more and more I looked at the reasons why I said I was sorry, the more I realized that “I’m sorry” wasn’t really what I was trying to say. Most of the time I was saying I’m sorry because of one of these reasons:

1. I realized that I was wrong and didn’t want to face it

2. I just wanted her to stop bugging me about something I knew I was wrong about

3. I wanted to use some words to placate her so that I could put off what she wanted me to do a little longer

4. I said it, knowing that she trusts me, and I had no intention of changing, despite what I said. I knew she would accept it at face value and let it go if I said I was sorry.

Now granted, these situations are few and far between, and I make them sound worse than they actually are. But I have a question for you, dear reader…

Sound familiar?

From where I sit, ”I’m sorry” doesn’t mean much in American culture anymore. If you really think about how many times we say it, and how many situations we’ve used it in, is there truly a moment when we use I’m sorry to ask for forgiveness with the purpose of actually doing our best to ensure that it doesn’t happen again?

Accroding to a research study done at Cornell University, when it comes to insincere and sincere apologies, “targets of such apologies are not likely to respond differently.” Since people don’t respond differently to apologies, whether we mean them or not, it would make sense as to why we continue to use insincere apologies. In fact, they assert that the reasoning behind using insincere apologies are to feel good about oneself and to be seen positively by others.

Both of these reasons have nothing to do with what you’ve done to the other person.

So how should we apologize (and remember, should is fantasyland until you do something about it)? Well, this is how I’m going to apologize from now on, in order to ensure that I mean it when I say it:

1. I realize that what I did was wrong

2. I realize that what I did hurt you deeply

3. I want to continue to have a positive relationship with you

4. Therefore, I am going to ask for your forgiveness

5. And in a good faith effort, endeavor to rebuild your trust by never doing what I did to hurt you again.

That’s a lot, but we’ve condensed it down because its easier to say I’m sorry than it is to actually apologize.

What do you think? How do you apologize? Are your apologies sincere or insincere? Let me know what you think.

I work with a lot of people from all different walks of life. I see people who are successful, some who are not, and some who are just making ends meet.  One thing that I find in common no matter where my clients come from is this:

Many men suck at Valentine’s Day.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m right in there with the rest of you guys, I’ll admit it. But I have to ask myself this one question: How can you possibly blow it on Valentine’s Day? This is the one day each year (aside from your anniversary if you’re married) that you can really make some headway. This is the one day out of the year that you can go out there, put some thought into something and gain some free brownie points.

Now granted, I think Valentine’s Day is a bit skewed. After all, no one puts pressure on the ladies to perform (actually, that’s not true, with all the lingerie sales, etc.), but the guys really have the responsibility to go out and do something special; something nice to show your significant other that you care.

But what do women get a lot of times? Cheap chocolates from CVS or Walgreens. Flowers bought on the side of the road because you can’t call a decent florist at that short an amount of time and get the flowers delivered. Did you go out and buy the $30 special at Kay Jewelers this season because it was cheap and no more than an afterthought?

Please don’t misunderstand me here guys. I’m coming at you like this to prove a point. If these are the gifts you’re buying for your woman, than its time to get a value makeover. Bear in mind too, I’m not asking you to spend more money, merely do something incredibly thoughtful, or at least fake it really well. You can do this on a budget and still make her day. Curious? Keep reading.

OK, so what am I getting at here? The idea is that if you’re in bad with your woman (and those of you reading this know who you are) then taking a couple hours to plan and execute a thoughtful Valentine’s Day gift can really help you in the long run. Here are some of my suggestions:

1. Don’t just get her a card. Write something meaningful from your heart. Yeah, yeah, I know the only appropriate emotion to feel is anger (cause we’re men after all), but really think about how wonderful life is now that you are with your lady. Really dig in there and share from your heart.

2. Don’t just get her flowers. Or jewelry, or candy. Know what her favorites (i.e color, flower, or flavor) are and make the order in advance. Don’t just get the show special, show her that you understand her as a person, and give her something that shows it.

3.  Acts of service count too. Make her her favorite meal. Get a team together and clean the apartment and surprise her. Get a babysitter so she can have some time off. Watch the kids while she gets a manicure. These things go a long way. Remember the Pine Sol commercial where the ripped guy is mopping the floor? Chicks dig that. Just ask your lady.

4. Be creative. If you have any real talent like music, art or cooking, then show her that you really took some time and thoughtfulness in making her something that you know she will love. Remember, relating is what relationships are really all about. Hence the term, Relationship.

In other words, don’t blow it. Don’t take the easy way out with Valentine’s Day. You very rarely get an opportunity to hit an easy homerun with your significant other. Don’t blow it because you’re lazy, and don’t blow it because you’re cheap. You can be thoughtful and a freaking rock star all at the same time. It just involves some effort, time and understanding.

Again, don’t get me wrong. I’m not one for Hallmark Holidays, and this one is clearly that sort of thing. But I understand the psychology behind what Valentine’s Day means. Whether or not you agree with the marketing side of it, you have to admit that most women accept this as a man’s responsibility. So take advantage of this and rebuild some of the ground you may have lost. Do it right, and you can smooth over some of the bumps. If things are already good, then this can help take things to the next level.

What do you think? Pointless effort? Or worthwhile endeavor? Talk to me.