I haven’t been doing my usual “Monday and Thursday” blogging simply because I’ve been met with a quandry as of late. While part of this has to do with recent events involving the creation of a new human being, the rest of it has to do with this question:

Which is better: Feeling Great, or Doing Great Things? (this has nothing to do with me continuing to write a book…no…)

I found myself thinking a lot about this, mostly because I am split between the two. One the one hand, after a long day, I want to take some time to relax. In my field, we call this “self-care”, and place a high value on it, simply due to the nature of the work we do with people. At the same time, I can’t help but notice that there are people out there with less talent, less ability, less overall intelligence that have far more notoriety, influence and fortune than I do.

And I choose to let that drive me a little cuckoo.

Now that sounds a lot like I’m tooting my own horn, but if I didn’t believe I was a good therapist, then guess what…I wouldn’t be.

So as a result of sitting and watching people on TV (and maybe I’m just watching too much TV, and that’s my problem) do their thing and pimp out their self-help stuff, I can’t but sit here and think about how, if I had enough drive and motivation, I could probably do the same thing.

And yet, can I drag my own sorry behind out of the long hours and work with people to be able to go the extra mile and do what it takes to achieve that?

This decision has to do with all the  elements of the WATER Method: My Words are telling me that I deserve some time for myself, and that I want something more. My Actions show that I’m doing something in one direction, but not another. My Thoughts wander off into how I could be helping others and reaching more people. My Emotions are the feelings that I get when I think about these ideas. My Results are what I have right now, and what I could have if I change any of the other elements.

So when it comes right down to it, what do I value more? At any given point in time, that seems to change, and even if I want something bigger or better, am I willing to do what it takes?

A better question would be this: What do you value more? Do you think that its better to feel good in the moment, or plan ahead and feel good as a result of the things you accomplish?

Trick is though, each of these has their own fair share of consequences. Feel great now, but lost opportunity for accomplishment later. Do great things now, and suffer that difficulty, but feel great later for what you’ve achieved. Each has its own share of pros and cons.

What’s more: How does this affect your mental health? A strong part of mental/emotional health is feeling good or not feeling good, so is it better to feel good in the moment, or work through your issues so you have a longer lasting contentment?

Alright, I think I’ve talked enough. What do you think?

I was totally going to go with another topic as of late, but I realized that my last two topics have been increasingly synical and sarchastic. If I’m not careful, I’m going to end up like the guy Lewis Black portrays in those Aruba commercials. So in the interest of keeping positive, I’m going to touch on something a bit stronger, and it goes along with the recent theme of the conclusion of the recent Winter Olympic games.

If you’ve watched any of the games over the last two weeks (and gotten into it at all), you’ve seen victory and heartache all alike. Depending on who you were rooting for, you may have felt that same victory or heartache when your team or olympian succeeded or failed. In the moment, you’re not thinking about the opening ceremony. And why should you after all, that was a couple weeks ago, wasn’t it? And that was only a mere starting point for the actual games going on.

Ah, but if you recall the opening ceremony, you would know that there were hundreds of olympians, all vying for the same thing: Olympic Medals.

Yes, that’s right hundreds. Do you really think that every single person in there thought they were going to medal? Of course you didn’t, because you’re smart like that, and one step ahead of me as I presumed. Every one of those Oympians hoped they would win a medal, but many of them knew that a lot could go wrong, and with any competition, nothing is guaranteed.

I had the fortunate opportunity of watching most of the ice skating (like most other men, because my wife was watching it). Now normally this sort of thing bores me to tears, but as time went on I started to notice that completing these routines flawlessly was horribly difficult, and a few times people would fall on their butts trying to pull them off. If you know anything about figure skating, if you fall, you might as well just walk off the ice, because there is practically no way you’re going to get enough points to medal. You might, but its not likely. Yet, despite all this, those who fell kept skating, and continued their routine till completion.

Let’s take this a step further and about Joannie Rochette, the Canadian figure skater who’s mother passed away suddenly over the course of the games. Now I’ve worked with people who have lost loved ones, and if you’ve lost a loved one youreself, you know how difficult it can be, and how the mourning process seeps its way into every part of your life. Despite this, she found the strength and courage to press on toward the goal that she and her mother worked so hard for. She pressed on despite adversity, and got a bronze medal to show for it.

Then there are times when pressing forward doesn’t make much sense. My wife shared with me a story about how she worked for 200 hours on a self portrait for a college art class. The more she worked, the worse it got. After some thought and contemplation, she decided to start over. She finished the project in 2 hours, and got an “A”.

So what am I trying to say here? Well, some things are worth setting out to do, and some aren’t. My opinion is that if you can persevere, you should. If you don’t, that’s fine, its your life, but there is always going to be an easy way out. Maybe your approach is wrong, and all you need to do is tweak it a bit. My understanding is that no one accomplishes anything great without some level of sacrifice.

Its one thing to feel great, its another to do something great. This is actually going to be my topic for next week. In the meantime, your thoughts! Talk to me people.

So I took a week off from blogging for a couple of reasons. First, I didn’t have much to say, and the Valentine’s Day post seemed to get a lot of attention (though I may be misreading my spam folder).  The other is because I’ve been horribly busy (and in this business, when in time of feast you feast to prepare for possible famine). Anyway, I bring this topic up because I even found myself saying “sorry” to my wife for things I did (no, not for having a lousy Valentine’s Day…that was actually really cool), and I found a very peculiar thing.

I didn’t mean it.

Now granted, just because that’s what happened with me, doesn’t mean its what happens with everyone. However, I found that the more and more I looked at the reasons why I said I was sorry, the more I realized that “I’m sorry” wasn’t really what I was trying to say. Most of the time I was saying I’m sorry because of one of these reasons:

1. I realized that I was wrong and didn’t want to face it

2. I just wanted her to stop bugging me about something I knew I was wrong about

3. I wanted to use some words to placate her so that I could put off what she wanted me to do a little longer

4. I said it, knowing that she trusts me, and I had no intention of changing, despite what I said. I knew she would accept it at face value and let it go if I said I was sorry.

Now granted, these situations are few and far between, and I make them sound worse than they actually are. But I have a question for you, dear reader…

Sound familiar?

From where I sit, ”I’m sorry” doesn’t mean much in American culture anymore. If you really think about how many times we say it, and how many situations we’ve used it in, is there truly a moment when we use I’m sorry to ask for forgiveness with the purpose of actually doing our best to ensure that it doesn’t happen again?

Accroding to a research study done at Cornell University, when it comes to insincere and sincere apologies, “targets of such apologies are not likely to respond differently.” Since people don’t respond differently to apologies, whether we mean them or not, it would make sense as to why we continue to use insincere apologies. In fact, they assert that the reasoning behind using insincere apologies are to feel good about oneself and to be seen positively by others.

Both of these reasons have nothing to do with what you’ve done to the other person.

So how should we apologize (and remember, should is fantasyland until you do something about it)? Well, this is how I’m going to apologize from now on, in order to ensure that I mean it when I say it:

1. I realize that what I did was wrong

2. I realize that what I did hurt you deeply

3. I want to continue to have a positive relationship with you

4. Therefore, I am going to ask for your forgiveness

5. And in a good faith effort, endeavor to rebuild your trust by never doing what I did to hurt you again.

That’s a lot, but we’ve condensed it down because its easier to say I’m sorry than it is to actually apologize.

What do you think? How do you apologize? Are your apologies sincere or insincere? Let me know what you think.

I work with a lot of people from all different walks of life. I see people who are successful, some who are not, and some who are just making ends meet.  One thing that I find in common no matter where my clients come from is this:

Many men suck at Valentine’s Day.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m right in there with the rest of you guys, I’ll admit it. But I have to ask myself this one question: How can you possibly blow it on Valentine’s Day? This is the one day each year (aside from your anniversary if you’re married) that you can really make some headway. This is the one day out of the year that you can go out there, put some thought into something and gain some free brownie points.

Now granted, I think Valentine’s Day is a bit skewed. After all, no one puts pressure on the ladies to perform (actually, that’s not true, with all the lingerie sales, etc.), but the guys really have the responsibility to go out and do something special; something nice to show your significant other that you care.

But what do women get a lot of times? Cheap chocolates from CVS or Walgreens. Flowers bought on the side of the road because you can’t call a decent florist at that short an amount of time and get the flowers delivered. Did you go out and buy the $30 special at Kay Jewelers this season because it was cheap and no more than an afterthought?

Please don’t misunderstand me here guys. I’m coming at you like this to prove a point. If these are the gifts you’re buying for your woman, than its time to get a value makeover. Bear in mind too, I’m not asking you to spend more money, merely do something incredibly thoughtful, or at least fake it really well. You can do this on a budget and still make her day. Curious? Keep reading.

OK, so what am I getting at here? The idea is that if you’re in bad with your woman (and those of you reading this know who you are) then taking a couple hours to plan and execute a thoughtful Valentine’s Day gift can really help you in the long run. Here are some of my suggestions:

1. Don’t just get her a card. Write something meaningful from your heart. Yeah, yeah, I know the only appropriate emotion to feel is anger (cause we’re men after all), but really think about how wonderful life is now that you are with your lady. Really dig in there and share from your heart.

2. Don’t just get her flowers. Or jewelry, or candy. Know what her favorites (i.e color, flower, or flavor) are and make the order in advance. Don’t just get the show special, show her that you understand her as a person, and give her something that shows it.

3.  Acts of service count too. Make her her favorite meal. Get a team together and clean the apartment and surprise her. Get a babysitter so she can have some time off. Watch the kids while she gets a manicure. These things go a long way. Remember the Pine Sol commercial where the ripped guy is mopping the floor? Chicks dig that. Just ask your lady.

4. Be creative. If you have any real talent like music, art or cooking, then show her that you really took some time and thoughtfulness in making her something that you know she will love. Remember, relating is what relationships are really all about. Hence the term, Relationship.

In other words, don’t blow it. Don’t take the easy way out with Valentine’s Day. You very rarely get an opportunity to hit an easy homerun with your significant other. Don’t blow it because you’re lazy, and don’t blow it because you’re cheap. You can be thoughtful and a freaking rock star all at the same time. It just involves some effort, time and understanding.

Again, don’t get me wrong. I’m not one for Hallmark Holidays, and this one is clearly that sort of thing. But I understand the psychology behind what Valentine’s Day means. Whether or not you agree with the marketing side of it, you have to admit that most women accept this as a man’s responsibility. So take advantage of this and rebuild some of the ground you may have lost. Do it right, and you can smooth over some of the bumps. If things are already good, then this can help take things to the next level.

What do you think? Pointless effort? Or worthwhile endeavor? Talk to me.

So one of my clients brought to my attention (and I’m able to tell you this because she gave me permission to blog about it) that she was feeling overwhelmed over the fact that she was getting married in a few months. Though this seems like a good thing on paper, I could tell by her distress that she was feeling overwhelmed by the stress and the pressure to get all the details squared away. She said she was getting pressure from all sides: mother, friends, family members, her fiancee. Everyone wanted her to manage the planning of the wedding, because after all, it was “her day.”

So we sat and discussed how we could make much of the planning of this easier, when it dawned on me: What if you broke the whole process up into pieces. After all, you don’t eat a whole pie at once, do you? You eat it a piece at a time, and even then, you eat each piece one forkfull at a time.

We laughed about the analogy, but it made sense, especially in this situation. So how could we apply it to her life? Well we had to divide the pie up into slices. So with the pie being her wedding planning, we separated the planning into 8 pieces, and named each piece. It looked something like the diagram below.

The idea behind it was she could take a piece a day, and “eat it.” Take one topic, and break it down in steps. Each step is a “bite.” I recommended actually having a piece of pie with each topic, but then I thought that probably wasn’t a good idea considering she probably wouldn’t fit into her dress. And how cool would that be, really?

Now I could have just sent her on her way, and gave myself an enormous pat on the back for being so smart. But then I realized I had to take my own advice yet again. Because there are times when I feel a bit overwhlemed (as I’ve stated here before), and when I do, having tools ready to manage them is not a bad idea.

So why didn’t I try this out on myself. So here’s what I came up with:

So for me, I have to consider taking a topic a day, breaking it down into edible bites, and then resolving each issue so that they’re not bugging me so much. Remember, there are some things you can change, and some things you can’t, so that makes a lot of difference with regard to how much you can “eat” and how much you can’t.

Sounds good, right? So here’s the thing, I’m not going to sit here and tell you about it and not give you the tools to do this yourself. So I’ve included a blank, really cheesy, done in Windows Paint style pie chart that you can use to manage your overwhelmed feelings. Give it a shot and let me know here if it works for you. Go ahead and tell me. I don’t bite. 

So now that I have my laptop back in my possession, I can finally get back to doing this regularly, as well as working on the WATER Method book. Since I last posted a number of things have happened that caught my attention, and I’ll be sharing them with you over the course of the next few posts.

For starters, I found out that my new child is going to be a bouncing baby boy. Cool, right? Everone was like, “you must be so excited!” Or they would start talking to me about how wonderful having children is going to be. You know what my response was? I was not very excited at all. In fact, my response was so lackluster, that my wife was very concerned, and wanted to make sure I was OK.

Probably not the best indicator that I was showing the proper level of enthusiasm, huh?

So we sat down and had a talk. She wanted to know what the heck was up with me, and why I was a bit detatched from the situation. Turns out I had two concerns: 1.) That child rearing is going to be a lot of work (and it is; whoever told you differently is likely your mum or dad, because they want grandkids anyway), and 2.) I was concerned about the financial strain that children inevitably put on the household (diapers alone will cost you an additional $200/month).

Now, being a therapist and having a penchant for knowing a lot about other people, it seems I missed the boat when it came to myself and my worries here. My wife, in her infinite wisdom shared with me something very solid. I won’t get into the whole conversation here, but the gist of it went something like this.

“You don’t know that its going to be difficult and hard. We have no idea whether or not our child is going to be difficult or easy. We just don’t know.”

So here I stand before you defying my own method of managing anxiety once again. However, I do so to prove a valuable point.

Just because we can’t see or even control the unknown, doesn’t mean we don’t want to.

The insanity of it all, is that we know that the unknown is out there. We know that we can’t control it. We know that even if we try our absolute best to control every aspect of it, it can still turn around and go in the opposite directon of what we really intended. So why do we try to hard to grab this concept? What drives us to get to this place where try to plan for what we can’t see?

In my humble opinion, such as it is, is that we do this because the alternative is not very appetizing. The alternative is doing nothing, and waiting for fate to figure out how its going to handle our lives. Planning for what we can’t see is like taking enough provisions for a camping trip (in case a bear shows up and eats your food), or making sure your sail boat is in tip top shape in case you weather a storm. We do this because we have the unique ability to live vicariously through others, see their mistakes, and learn from them. We do our best to ensure that life doesn’t turn out poorly, and if we can put in some failsafes to try to improve the odds in our favor, then so be it.

So what’s my point here? My point is that even though you can’t control the unknown, you can control what you do about the unknown.  The unknown might scare you to death (like this child rearing thing does for me to a greater or lesser degree), but recognizing that the unknown is something we can’t control right now, and letting the unknown go can be valuable. The unknown doesn’t go away, but the power we give it over our emotions can at least be decreased a little bit.

By the way, turns out I am excited about my baby, but I’m not expressing it appropriately. Not sure they’ve written a book on how you’re supposed to express this, but that just goes to show you that there are parts of my socially inept adolescence still hanging around in my personality. Who knew. 

Remember my laptop? The one that I thought was dead but was really alive? Turns out, its dead again. And that’s really sad, because I love the doggone thing. When it dies though, a couple things happen:

1. I have no internet at home

2. I can only use my BlackBerry Pearl to blog.

Neither of these optioons are very appealing, but given the circumstances, using the Pearl is what I needed to do, especially to prove a valid point.

I could just give up on the whole blogging thing. After all, its not like I haven’t jostled you around with my switching over from WordPress.com to WordPress.org. My SEO is prosbly in the toilet as a result as well. I suppose I could let the fact that I had the busiest week of my career last week (42 clients scheduled, 35 showed up), and another one coming up affect my desire to do this.

But if I can teach you anything about what I do, its to never give up, never surrender.

Why? Because giving up is for wimps. GIving up is for people who don’t want better for themselves and their family. If you give up, then all the work you put in getting to where you are at this point is for nothing.

So if you ever feel like giving up, come on over here and keep reading. Because there are times when I feel like doing just that. Then I snap out of it, and tell myself that I gain nothig by giving up, and that only by persevering do I gain anything of value.

Have you ever felt like giving up? What did you do to get through it? Talk to me people.

If you know anything about me, you probably know that when it comes to technology, I try to keep on top of most of the stuff that’s going on out there. Additionally though, I’m also a guy that has a hard time letting old technology go. I had an old cell phone with this enormous battery on it that gave me a ton of talk time. The clips on the battery that kept it on broke. Did I get a new one? Nope, just threw some duct tape on it, and I was good to go.

This is generally typical male thinking. After all, most men aren’t much for aesthetics, so long as it works. As much as I hate to admit it, I’ve fallen prey to the same malady. My laptop broke and I was ready to replace the screen on it to get it to work (probably was going to need some duct tape there too). Thank God it started working, and didn’t have to do that. When it did break though, I hooked the laptop up to my TV so I could get access to my files (see, tech savy)

Well, the same thing happened with my glasses. Turns out one day I was bringing my dog outside, and I managed to lose them. This isn’t the first time I’ve done this, as I broke my first pair, and lost my second pair in a horrible rainstorm in front of Panera Bread. So there I was with no glasses, and once again I have to thank my lovely bride for somehow magically finding my old specs, because without them, I’d be sorely at a disadvantage this winter.

They didn’t fit though, and it drove me a little nuts. So I decided that this weekend, I would take some time to try to fix them, using my honey’s jewelry tools. I busted out a screwdriver and an old pair of sunglasses that broke ages ago, and tried to replace the right arm on the glasses. In about a half hour, I had the thing replaced! I was totally psyched…and then something happened that I didn’t expect.

The other arm broke off.

Suddenly, I felt like I was in a Pixar short (if you’ve seen them, you know what I mean).

So I grabbed some of my wife’s copper wire, and bent it to my will (Muahahaha!). About 20 minutes later, I had two new arms that worked fairly well, as you can see above. I also replaced the nose clips. All in all, the glasses were reasonably comfortable, and fit just right (adjustable too…beat that Lenscrafters!)

Now I know what you’re thinking. Why not just go out and but some new ones? Well, the “Tough Economic Times” gave us a proverbial slap with a newspaper as of late. So as a result, we’re trying to keep as frugal as we can. Needless to say, another $100-$200 for new glasses cetainly wasn’t on the menu.

And hey, they ain’t pretty, but they get the job done. They’re functional. They work, and I can see. Which leads me to the point of all this.

Sometimes your life isn’t going to be perfect. Or your marriage; your kids, your job, or even your living situation. Sometimes you have to be grateful for the functionality of life. If stuff works, and works pretty well for you, it may not be awesome, aesthetic, or even sensitive to others’ feelings. Sometimes what works for you doesn’t work for everyone else, and that’s probably OK.

Sometimes you just have to think outside the box, and make choices based on some of that thinking. Don’t leave inside the box behind either, if that works for you instead.

I guess my point is, through working on my glasses, and fixing them to some degree, I realized that soemtimes we just have to get things to work in our lives. With the chaos we run into regularly with all our responsibilities, it seems nearly impossible for everything you do to go just right. Something’s going to give, and you have accept that to a greater or lesser degree. What you can change here is how you manage those issues when they arive, and being prepared by knowing what your limits are.

Things don’t always have to be perfect, but getting by and working through the issues, and having a level of satisfaction for your hard work is about as close as you can come…and its not bad at all.

On January 4th, PBS broadcast a show called “This Emotional Life,” which talked about different theraputic techniques and recent breakthroughs in mental health counseling and treatment. It turned out that my mother in law watched it; and the therapist I work with; as well as a bunch of my clients. In case you haven’t seen it, do yourself a favor and click the pic above to check out some of the excerpts from it.

The video excerpt above is about the dangers of some self-help. Dr. John Norcross makes a few points about self-help, and how only about 20% is based on actual research. Additionally, he mentions that there is a danger in the “power of positive thinking” and how people can use it to the extreme and say that calamaties that come their way are a result of their not thinking positively enough.

This actually reminds me a lot of some old school Christian thinking. If something bad happened to you, then you must have sinned in some way. However, if you’re grounded in reality in any way, shape or form, you would realize that everyone runs into difficulty, and some people’s difficulty is greater than others. It strikes me though, that positive thinking has its merit, and he even says in the interview that our Thoughts do have a lot to do with how we operate (which is a concept I talk about a lot here).

So I guess what I’m asking you to do is this: Watch the video and ask yourself if the self-help that you follow is backed by data of some kind, AND is the self-help you’re following potentially damaging? One thing that I’m going to do for sure from here forward, is actually do some research to see if my technique is either done somewhere else by someone else, and if there is research to show that what I’m doing here works.

Don’t get me wrong! I do have my education and 8 years experience to back me up on what I’m throwing out here. However, I think its important to be able to offer you current, accurate and valuable information on how to manage your stressors.

What do you think? Does your self-help work? What is it? Talk to me people.

So I’m sitting with my wife watching a church service from our home, because we had planned on going to church that morning, but she really wasn’t feeling good, so we stayed in (she’s pregnant, she’s allowed). So I decided to go check out my old church, as they stream their church services every Sunday. During the message, the pastor makes a very strong statement, which is the focus of my post today.

The gist of it is this:

People don’t care about the truth anymore. They only care about what makes them feel good, and what they can get out of a situation.

This statement got me thinking, because I didn’t want to believe it was true. Surely there are some people out there who care enough about the truth, and will do so at the cost of feeling good and being selfish. Then I realized that the truth is relative for a lot of people. I mean, I’m a Christian, but if you don’t believe what the  Bible says is true, then you’re not going to agree with me about my version of the truth when it comes to religion. That’s OK, its a free country, you’re more than welcome to believe what you want.

But aside from religion, how can people come to terms with what the truth is? Some would say you come to this determination through science. Surely if you can prove something with science, then you can determine what the truth is that way, right? Then you lay out the global warming/climate change question, and you have people who have data that show both sides of the argument, and both could be considered to be true based on the information presented.

Then you can think about truth in a court of law, and how we are asked in court to “tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.” How then, is truth determined? By facts and evidence, and upon the weighing of that evidence, the judge or jury comes to a determination about what the truth is, and how the court should proceed as a result of that determination. So it would follow, then, that we can determine what truth is based on facts.

But what if we don’t care about that stuff? What if we throw truth out the window because it doesn’t fit our worldview? Do we then disregard those facts because it feels better to keep our worldview? How then do we determine facts, if our perspective is so tainted that we will take false evidence into consideration?

Then there’s the generation of children in this day and age. You’ve seen them haven’t you? The ones that really don’t care much about the truth, and are more concerned with how their friends and their experiences make them feel, and what they can get out of life from others. I shouldn’t fault them too much, but at the same time, there is a line you have to draw at selfishness, so I usually confront teenagers on this as soon as I think they can handle it.

People have said “the Truth hurts,” and I think that’s because for the most part, the truth is difficult to swallow. The truth doesn’t feel good. Its not considerate of your feelings, and it doesn’t give you anything amazing as a result. I’m not sure that people even believe that “the truth will set you free” anymore, because in many respects, its better to be a slave to your own perspective than it is to be free with the difficult truth.

OK, OK, Jim. I get it. But how does that pertain to my life right now?

Since I can only throw my professional opinion at you, I’ll give you my perspective on the truth. First, determine your sphere of  relevance. Are these facts relevant to your life, and your sphere of influence? If not, then perhaps focusing on this area of truth is not necessary for you right now. So determine what truth is relevant to your life.

Second, do your best to seek out the most pertinent truth to your life. Since everyone’s life is different, the truth that is relevant to your life will be different. Do your absolute best to seek out the most truth for your life.

Lastly, do your absolute best to live your life according to the truth. No matter how hard it may be. Even if it makes you change your worldview, live according to the truth.

If I didn’t believe that what I was sharing with you was the truth, and didn’t follow it myself, I wouldn’t be typing it here. Why? Because I do my best to live by what I believe is the truth. I may screw up, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to let my screw ups determine who I am and my continued thirst for the truth in my own life.

So my questions to you, and if you comment, please answer these questions: Does Truth Matter? and If so, how do YOU determine what is truth?