Acceptance with Joy

On Favorite Things

2012-05-31T19:16:00.002-07:00

The Cowboy and I piled the crew into the car this morning and headed out to Big R for some chicken feed.

He had on his ripped plaid shirt, his cowboy boots, and his cowboy hat.

When the Cowboy's in the car, there's always something good and Country coming through the speakers.

Today when he reached across the center console and rested his grease-stained man-hands on my bare leg, this was playing, and we were smiling.

These are some of my favorite things. The days when the music's good, and his touch is close, and we can see our four amazing little treasures real, and loud, in our rear view mirror.

We left Big R, and picked out tomatoes and peppers and a handful of other things at Home Depot, then headed back to the Farm.

It was gorgeous here today. Everything within me is smiling at these warm days of summer.

I LOVE them!

I love these flowers.

I love the garden that's growing our lettuce and cauliflower, carrots and peppers, tomatoes and squash.

I love that the Dancing Girl discovered today that she can totally ride her brother's big bike. I love that smile that took over her face as she pedaled around the farm. I love how she ran up to me and told me all giddy, "Mom, GUESS-WHAT??? I can totally ride Siah's bike all by myself!"

I love the way the sun shines right through the Charmer's white wisps.

And I love working outside, next to the Cowboy, with the ipod set on all things things Country, causing the flowers to sing.

I love the days when the Cowboy and I hardly say a word all day, but he winks my way, and he slides his fingers down my arm as he walks past me in the kitchen, and through the seemingly insignificant, I feel so loved.

Cheezy?

Maybe.

But days together with the Cowboy just might happen to be one of my favorite things. :)

When We're Willing To Try

2012-05-28T21:32:00.000-07:00

The Dancing Girl and I have been working on some heart things around here.

She's got to be one of the tenderest, sweet-as-a-peach-in-summer, hearts I know. The girl breaths kindness. The Lord has blessed her with a heart that loves to serve. He's filled her mouth with words of encouragement towards others.

But when we were all invited to play a little game of putt- putt in celebration of our treasure friend AJ's 5th birthday, I knew that without a little prep, we were about to walk right into a puddle of gigantic tears falling right out of the dancing girls tender little heart.

She's the child who likes to do all things perfectly. She's the child that gets destroyed inside when she's doesn't succeed the very first time she tries something. She's the child that hasn't yet learned that she can't win every game. If she's not winning, she's crying. And it has taken this Mama years to see these crying sagas for what they often times really are, feelings of inadequacy and defeat.

With the Dancing Girl, learning new things needs to include a preparatory conversation on the basics of perseverance and choosing joy.

So in the car before we were able to jump into the joy of celebrating our precious friend, I reminded the Dancing Girl that we were about to play a game that she had never played before. I reminded her that she did not have to be perfect at the game, she simply had to try her best... with joy... without tears. I reminded her that when all hope seemed lost and that little ball simply would not go into that little hole, she would have to purpose to persevere.

She knows that word well, we use it often in our home.

/per-se-vere/ -

{The Clark family definition}

= try, try again, no matter how hard it may seem, don't quit!

We're not but ten minutes into the game and she's on the fifth hole and she's hit that ball at the very least a dozen times... it finally goes in and she picks up her ball. She looks my way but avoids eye contact. She's biting her lower lip and blinking her eyes in rapid speed.

She's on the verge of tears but trying with all her might to keep it all together.

I can't decide if I should pull her aside and flood her with a little encouragement or if I should just let her walk on and tough it out.

I choose option # 1 and the moment her eyes meet mine she can't hold it in any longer and the flood gates open and she's a puddle in my arms.

I look straight into her and tell her that yes she CAN do this. I remind her tender heart that she's never even once played this game in her life. I ask her if God asks us to be be perfect or if he simply asks us to persevere?

She knows the answer, and she chokes it out.

"PERSEVERE."

I smile.

And then the most amazing thing happens...

She SMILES TOO.

"Alright Mom, I'm going to keep on trying."

She stops crying and she moves onto the next hole.

It was AWESOME!!

She kept trying.

She got better.

And on hole 17, she even got a HOLE IN ONE!

WAY TO GO HAL!

Then when we were getting in the car, she was laughing all happy and she tells me from the back seat,

"Mom. That was so much fun can we come back and do it again on my birthday?"

Man, when we're willing to try...

All that can happen when we're simply willing to try!

I've been struggling with our CRAZY dog.

Truthfully, I've listed him on craigslist at least a half dozen times since the Cowboy brought him home back in March.

Most simply, he's a puppy.

And puppies, well, they're CRAZY.

They jump and they bark, and they drive a Mama who could care less about dogs, CRAZY.

Even when I listed the lovely thing on craigslist for FREE, no one wanted him.

It has become clear to me over the past days and weeks that the Lord just might have a plan for Chief and me. And maybe that plan needs to start with a willingness in my own heart to simply try.

Maybe the Dancing Girl is not the only one in the farmhouse who needs to practice a little perseverance.

Don't tell the Cowboy, (cuz secretly I'm hoping that I'll wake up on my birthday in a few weeks and the Cowboy will kiss my lips and tell me oh so sweetly that he's given our dear Chief to some lovely family in Iowa (or some other far away land)), but I think after miniature golfing with my Hal, that I've gotten a new zeal to at least take the poor dog off craigslist and TRY a little harder, a little longer, to get along with this peppy, four-legged thing. :)

All the ways that we might grow up towards Him,

When we're simply willing to try...

A Growing Boy And Family Love

2012-05-28T20:13:00.002-07:00

On his way out the door tonight I smiled at the thought of what a great Papa he's going to be someday.

We were waiting on the porch for one of his friends to pick him up. TOgether with the friend's dad they would be off to the mountains to hunt and fish.

WE sat side by side on the porch steps.

"Oh ya, Mom?"

"Ya buddy."

"Don't forget to feed the chickens tomorrow while I'm gone."

"Got it. Thanks." I wink his way.

"And don't forget to take the dog out in the morning and feed him. It's best if you take him out before you eat breakfast so that you don't forget after you eat breakfast. Don't worry about the cats, I'll just feed them before I go to bed tomorrow night."

"Okay bud. Thanks for the reminder," I say it out loud and chuckle inside.

What is it about firstborns? My Siah, it seems he was born thinking he was already big.

Yesterday he finished first grade, and tonight he packed his own Batman backpack with all the warm clothes he could find and even remembered to slip his toothbrush into the side pocket..

He's getting so big, growing so fast.

When his friend's dad asked me if he could go hunting, my Siah was there, and he assured me that he was going to bless his friend, choose kindness, and obey Mr. Matt without any arguments or complaints.

All these character traits we're trying to foster around here.

It's this seemingly never-ending lesson.

Choosing kindness, practicing self-control over our emotions, over our actions.

I wonder if there has been any family throughout history who has really figured it all out? Figured out what real family-love looks like?

Surely real family love isn't without mistakes?

Surely real family love takes time? Maybe even a life-time?

Surely real family love has it's own fair-share of pain and heart-ache?

Don't even the best families struggle through some days? Maybe even most days?

He never said all this crazy-beautiful-messy life would be easy.

He simply said He would be here with me. He said that He, alone, would always be enough for this little heart of mine.

He said to keep my eye on the One and only treasure worth giving up my whole life for...

"The man who has God for his treasure has all things in One. Many ordinary treasures may be denied him, or if he is allowed to have them, the enjoyment of them will be so tempered that they will never be tempered to his happiness. Or if he must see them go, one after one, he will scarcely feel a sense of loss, for having the Source of all things he has in One all satisfaction, all pleasure, all delight. Whatever he may lose, he has actually lost nothing, for he now has it all in One, and he has it purely, legitimately and forever." Tozer, In The Pursuit of God.

In whatever is going right or wrong under this farmhouse roof, we have everything we need in Him.

We have a place to hide if only for a moment long enough to catch our breath. We have a place to begin again, a place to live fully alive in unfailing hope.

And we have it all, PURELY, LEGITIMATELY, and FOREVER.

My Siah and I, we've walked together through first grade. We've grown up this year, him and I, in the way that we're learning to love each other with the never-ending help of the one who calls Himself LOVE.

Lord, you know how human I can be, you know how what my heart knows to be best is not always the thing that comes out of my mouth. You know the very specific places where I stumble, you know the places where I fall flat on my face.

Lord, please don't let me stay there.

Help me to bring you the most glory by being a woman who lives fully alive.

My Siah came home tonight and wrapped his arms around his Mama.

He's getting big, but he's still my little guy.

We choose love around here, despite mistakes.

I love that. I'm grateful for that. I bathe my messy heart in that. :)

Kindergarten Is Over

2012-05-25T06:59:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was the Dancing girl's last day of Kindergarten.

I didn't cry.

It's a miracle really, cuz I cry about almost everything. :)

Instead, I felt mostly proud. My Hal thrived in her class this year. She has a natural bent towards learning and I loved watching her succeed.

She and My Siah both had Mrs. Kozyra for Kindergarten. She really loved on Hal this year and reminded me often to be encouraging with my words, and patient with my Hal as we learned to read together. She was good to always lead me back to Hal's strengths and to never let me rest to long on her weaknesses.

Each class also has a tutor and this year Hal was blessed to have Ms. Davenport. She has the gift of kindness and she always went out of her way to love on our Hal.

I am so grateful for the program that they get to be a part of. It allows our treasures to interact with other kids their age, and gives them an opportunity to learn to submit to another authority outside our home. They do all their language arts there (spelling, writing, grammar) and they get to take a few fun classes as well like art, Spanish, music and PE.

I'm just thankful.... Thankful that the Lord provided something that has not only blessed our kids, but this Mama as well.... A place that encourages me as I learn to home school these treasures of mine.

Yesterday, they had an end of the year party with a little slide show of their year, and the little kids and I had the blessing of being there.

The dancing girl, although as feminine as can be, has for some reason, always had friends that are boys, friends that are older, or younger (The Spunky Girl has always been her bestest friend and I hope with all my heart that it stays that way for a lifetime), but rarely ever has she had girl friends her own age. The Cowboy and I have been praying that the Lord would bring one or two truly quality friends and this year, He has been so faithful to do so.

I can hardly believe that she's already done with Kindergarten. Like most of this life, time just goes on and doesn't always bother to slow down just for me. :)

I'm proud of you sweet Hal. You are truly a treasure and I love you with my whole heart.

Zion

2012-05-21T09:36:00.001-07:00

It was so beyond what I expected.

When we pulled in at sunset, I spoke it out loud to the whole car,

THE HEAVENS DECLARE THE GLORY OF GOD!

The mile high walls of solid red sand took my breath away. With my face smashed up against the car window, my eyes looked straight up into some of His most amazing creation.

We had the gift of spending a week away in Zion National park with some truly lovely friends.

Yes, packing for six was a wee bit crazy.

Yes, tent camping with a soon-to-be 2 year old was some what risky.

Yes, the drive was long.

But it was all beyond worth it.

And to tell you the truth, our kids were flat out amazing. They entertained themselves for hours in the dirt. They rode bikes and chased frogs, and scooped up fish eggs from the river. They hiked and swam and took a shower under the spicket right there on the side of a dirt road.

WE spent our afternoons, taking naps under a giant tree (cuz it was WAY to hot to take any sort of rest in our tent), and walking down to the river with all the treasures in tote. The Mama's would plop their chairs down right there in the river and watch the kids come up with their own projects for the afternoon... projects like building a series of rivers for the ants... you know, that sort of thing. :)

When I asked Reesie what her favorite part of the trip was, she jumped up, flung her hands in the air and shouted, "Apple Jacks!"

You gotta love the simple things in life, eh?

We hadn't seen the family that we camped with in over and year, and honestly we just picked up where we had left off. It's one of those friendships where no matter how much time passes our friendship is still the same. These kind of friends are pure gift.

It was so nice to just be away for a whole week. We didn't know it before we left but we definitely all needed this time. The Cowboy and I, the kids and I... A week of no formal school, no house cleaning, no responsibilities at work. Just us, together, in the sunshine, eating good food, and laughing about all things "Farkle" until our bellies hurt, there by the campfire out under the stars. :)

It was lovely.

Truly lovely.

On The Fabulousness Of Being A Mama...

2012-05-12T11:56:00.004-07:00

Top ten reasons why I love being a Mama...

1. My kisses magically heal most scratches, bonks, bumps, and briusies.

2. According to the spunky girl, I have the most beautiful pony tail on top of my head that she has EVER seen. :)

3. My job description allows me to spend hours reading great books.

4. Four little people bring me fresh flowers from the farm fields nearly every morning.

5. I get to learn the most about God through conversations with little folks who happen to be 1/6 my age.

6. My house is always cheerfully decorated with matchbox cars, dress-up clothes, and legos galore.

7. Not a day goes by without an abundance of hugs, kisses, and I love-you's, a perfect concoction of fabulousness for this Mama's heart. :)

8. That we are all growing up together towards Him!

9. There is always at lest one, skipping around the farmhouse smiling real, abundant joy.

10. AND THE THING I LOVE THE MOST ABOUT BEING A MAMA...

My hope is in Him, All-Day-Long... They draw me into the best place on earth, His presence. :)

**********

Last night, I was deep in the oven scrubbing the burnt off the bottom, and there was an apron covering my front. The girls walk in and stand behind me and I pull myself out of the depths and that Spunky girl, she's smiling all giddy, "I LOVE your pretty dress Mama." She LOVES everyone's pretty dresses these days. I smile back, covered in crumbs and black, hair a bit tattered. The Dancing girl pipes in, "I love when you wear your hair like that Mama." and then they start the joyful banter back and forth, "Well I love this about Mama..." "Well I love that about Mama..."

I'm covered in nastiness and they are showering me all clean with grace and kindness, there in the kitchen.

The privilege of such authentic, innocent, truly true, love?

How can I not love being a Mama?

Happy Early Mama's Day to all you beautiful women who spend your days waist deep in the oven, whose hands are right cracked from all those dishes, and whose hearts are right full from all the privilege of such a gift of being a Mama. :)

*****************

We're off to Zion this week, The Cowboy, The treasures, and I.... I can hardly stand how incredibly excited I am! Woohoo!!!!! A whole week with that hot sexy Cowboy who happens to be ALL mine! That gift deserves a great big Hallelujah, thank you Lord! And a whole week with four treasures who keep me mindful and thankful of the joy of it all! Like I said, WOOOOOOHOOOO!! :)

If You Wanna Make A Mama Cry All Happy....

2012-05-07T17:05:00.002-07:00

She came into the kitchen and found me shucking corn into the garbage can.

Then she began to read it to me...

She had written it all by herself, her left alone in the school room to do whatever she pleased... and this was the thing she chose to do.

"Oh Hal, you're gonna make your Mama cry happy tears!"

She smiles all big and proud.

"You're doing so well with your writing, I'm so proud of you. But do you know what I love most about you?"

And she doesn't even hesitate,

"Jesus in my heart!"

"Yep. You got it girl!"

As we grow up here together... if we find ourselves never figuring out prepositional phrases, or fractions... but we, together, discover that one needful thing, that one and only way into complete joy___

Jesus_in_our_hearts___

Then I will know that the Lord has graciously given me one seriously great gift...

The gift of them knowing Him, and desiring Him more than ANYTHING else in their lives.

She wraps her arms around me in the kitchen, and the tears fall all happy out her Mama's eyes. She loves to write, and I love to hear her heart through her words, there in the kitchen, shucking corn by the garbage can.

Here In This Place

2012-05-05T12:37:00.001-07:00

I'm so glad we're in this life-thing together, the six of us under this farmhouse roof.

The Cowboy stayed home from his Thursday meeting and him and I we layed on the couch. I rubbed his head and we chatted about life and things. He carries a series of weights that I would never be able to carry. But the Lord has made him strong enough to carry it all with kindness and grace, and He has made it known to me over the years that my job, my privilege really, is to pray fervently over my man and with my man. So with his tired head on my chest I pray so long, he falls asleep. And I smile, because we're at that place in our marriage where we both feel content in what He's called each of us to do, how he's called him and I to live serving one another joyfully.

And besides, what better way is there to fall asleep than in the knowing presence of your sweet Savior?

The kids and I and school, we've finally gotten into a smooth groove of things... and there are only three more weeks left till summer break. :)

One of the things I love the most is watching the treasures be themselves as we press gently into this one-piece life that we're trying to live. It's the way that work, and play, and exploring, and learning kindness all blend together as we grow through these days. I never really thought of how our time together growing up would flourish their relationships between each other. But, that too, is another thing that I love most, watching their friendships thrive in the midst of it all. Don't get me wrong, they bicker and they quarrel, but that's the tiniest portion of each day. Most moments are spent catching moths, and giggling till their bellies hurt. This morning, all of us together, watched a moth crawl out of it''s cocoon on the front porch and it reminded me...

"The heavens declare the glory of God,

the skies proclaim the works of His hands.

Day after day they pour forth speech,

night after night they display knowledge."

His glory is everywhere.

And we get to see it in this place, in each other,

as we grow up here on this farm as a family of folks who really, really wanna know Christ most. :)

I love watching the Charmer's chubby legs running through the farm fields.

I love it when the two older ones try to wink at me as they speed by on the quad.

I love it when my Siah reads to me all sprawled out on the kitchen counter as I wash up the last of the morning dishes.

I love that we're learning to add the simplest of numbers right there next to the chickens, and I love that shy-proud little smirk that she sports after catching moths with her bare hands.

I love the stories and picnic lunches that are eaten up together out under that great big tree tucked away in the far corner of the farm.

I love that we laugh, and we cry, and they bring me flowers several times a day, and they're fascinated at the way the sun turns our jug of water into summer, peach tea right there on the stump in the front yard.

I love these days together, him and I and them, here in this place. :)

When Parenting Stings

2012-05-04T06:41:00.000-07:00

"Oh Lord, you have searched me and you know me...

You Know Me,

you know me.

You perceive my thoughts from afar.

Before a word is on my tongue, you-know-it-Completely...

You know me, completely." (psalm 139)

I have spent, days, months, years, wondering if I might ever change, wondering if these dark spots in my being might ever become something bright for His glory?

My Siah and I, three out of the five nights in a week, we go to bed not understanding each other.

I thought these days might come when he was a teenager.

But he's seven, and these days are here, and I don't know what to do, how to move into HIM, how to conquer that feeling of being paralyzed in a moment that secretly, I was hoping all along would never come... that moment when him and I turn off the lights and both whisper goodnight, simply out of courtesy.

He falls asleep broken.

I fall asleep broken.

On night two, he tries with all his seven year old might to tell me what's going on in that angry, yelling, broken heart of his,

"I feel. Well, I kinda think I fell like... Like you just don't like me."

A sharp, sharp sting right to the very center of a Mama's heart.

How did we get here?

We both sit there quiet in the dark and I can hear that still small voice, His Spirit asking me so gently to humble myself and model restoration to my son by being the first to admit that I played a huge part in the sting of the day.

My Siah, he listens as I lay it all bare. His big brown eyes look into mine.

He's looking and listening but his lips are silent.

This was never the plan. This messy way of life, of family, was it supposed to hurt this bad?

There's so much in this parenting that no one ever tells. And maybe it's not because they don't want to tell. But maybe it's simply because there are places in parenting that require an insane amount of courage to walk through, and they can't just be told, they need to be lived.

On night three, my son and I talk in the dark, again. Although angry, I know my greatest tool is love, and I put aside all the moments in a day that make little sense, and I pour out what both of our hearts need the most...

"My Siah, there is nothing you can ever do, EVER, to make me love you less."

With a sentence, his face softens, his heart softens, and he reaches up and wraps his arms around my neck, tears streaming down his face and mine.

Peter was right ya know... When we chose love, we cover up a multitude of black.

This parenting is a process. And I want to learn to choose to walk through all it's moments with a willing heart to put myself aside and press into whatever He has for us to learn as a family.

What I need the most is Christ.

What I need TO WANT the most is Christ.

I don't need to want to be the perfect parent.

What I really need, is to remember that there is only one perfect parent and He_Knows_Me... inside and out, He knows me! And He knows my son.

He knows my words before they are even on my tongue. And he restores him and I when those words sting. And He is faithful to teach me with His life, how to chose better words towards my son. And He is faithful to forgive all that I've messed up and to take my mistakes and remove them as far away as the east is from the west.

He is faithful to make all things new in me.

I simply need to believe that He will actually do in me what He says He will do.

I will not stay the same.

And when I find myself muddling for days on end, I want to remember that He's never left.

"Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?"

These days, months, years... the ones that carry the dark spots of my heart, they will somehow become bright for His glory...

He knows me, completely.

And, somehow,

in His knowledge of everything,

He knows how to take brokenness,

and turn it into a bright shining star in the pit of a vast black sky.

Bringing HOPE,

for a broken Mama who wants nothing more most,

than Christ.

This morning,

he came into the kitchen and wrapped his arms around his Mama and said it with his head resting on my chest, resting on that place that houses my heart,

"I love you Mama."

Sometimes the sting pokes a hole just big enough to let love seep in deep.

The God-Size Miracle & A Sleepover On The Farm

2012-04-29T09:04:00.002-07:00

Papa had some testing he had to do that morning.

Papaw quietly snuck down to the trailer that we had stashed it in for the night and set it right there off to the side of the driveway....

It's no coincidence how it got here. In fact, it's straight up Jesus who brought it! Siah had told us at the dinner table one night, how he longed for that motor and four wheels. The Cowboy and I looked at each other, smiled. Even though we knew we couldn't afford it, it was still fun to dream about.

We told our Siah that it was awful expensive and that he would have to pray and ask the Lord to provide a miracle. We told him that even if God didn't bring the money, God was and is, still good. We told him that this was a great opportunity to choose gratitude no matter what was to come.

Then, on a Friday night, the kids were in bed and the Cowboy and I were on the porch, praying up prayers and asking if the Lord would want to provide money for a quad.

It was frivolous and we knew it.

But that's the thing about the Lord. For some reason He even cares about the frivolous.

And on Saturday afternoon, the Cowboy went to the mailbox and there was a check in the mail from a woman who simply wanted to be generous!

The Cowboy came walking into the kitchen with our birthday miracle in his hand.

He picked me up and twirled me around right there by the sink.

And I don't know why, after all these years, after all these times, all these stories, all these miracles... we still find our hearts surprised when He provides so miraculously?

Silly us!! :)

And oh, that morning, the morning of his 7th birthday, that morning that I'll remember till I'm old and grey.

Our Siah walked out onto the farm porch and his eyes got all big and that toothless grin took over his face and__ HE__WAS__STOKED!!!!

It was freezing outside, but nobody cared. He started rattling off all his questions, trying to figure out how to use the thing. And each and every time my Siah started up that quad, the little charmer would run and hide behind a tree, the loud noise making him cry. :(

Siah figured it out real quick and he rode it nearly the whole day. He'd come inside only to warm up his hands or get something to eat, then he was back at it again. :)

Then on a Saturday night, we had our very first birthday sleepover here on the farm. Pizza and Mama's last minute cake creation. There were Rocket Pops and glow in the dark spy glasses, riding bikes and games of tag out in the farm fields, movies and a late-night dance party. The Charmer just wanted to keep up with the big boys and had quite a few tears. The girls stuck close to their Papaw. Everyone was out cold by 10':15... and the littlest one was up at 5:30. :)

We'll all be taking naps on this lovely Sunday afternoon.

This year has been a year of shifting for me with my oldest treasures. Birthdays are different, attitudes are different, hearts are growing and changing. I've love that things aren't always the same, that I get to watch the Lord mold them and shape them into the little people that He wants them to be for His glory. But there's also a tiny bit of sadness that always hits me when another birthday just passes swiftly by. Saturday came and went and now he'll never be six again. He's taller now and in the last eight weeks he's eaten me out of house and home and he's gained six pounds. He's learning the art of self-control over his emotions, an art that I'm convinced just might take a lifetime, but still most certainly worth the pursuit. :) He's growing up and I find it to be this unspeakable privilege to grow up with him under this farmhouse roof.

Happy 7th birthday sweet boy of mine! I love living this life with you!

Papaw's In Town

2012-04-28T07:48:00.000-07:00

Papaw came to town and brought a couple of helicopters... one for my Siah's seventh birthday and one for the Cowboy, just because. :)

"This is the coolest present ever!" ...

That's what he said with the controls in his hands and that little boy grin lighting up his face.

We love when Papaw comes to town...

Tonight, we're having some pizza and a sleepover... and a little surprise that I can't wait to give to my Siah!! :) Woohoo! :)

A Letter To My Siah On His 7th Birthday

2012-04-27T20:07:00.001-07:00

Siah,

Are you really seven. I went to sleep one night and woke up and found your again toothless grin looking straight into me, into my Mama heart. You are your Papa's son, nearly to a T__ and we all know how I feel about your Papa__ I'm giddy over that man. (We have a dog don't we?? :)

You like to have things all in order. You like to know the timing of everything even though you still are trying to truly grasp time. After waiting five whole minutes for your new helicopter to charge today, you were convinced that surely an hour had passed and you could play with the copter again. :)

I thought the day would never come, but together we've learned the art of learning how to read. I'm so proud of you and your perseverance in the whole thing. You've taught me that it really is possible to read while switching positions 50 times or more in a minute or less. You make me smile.

You're teacher called me the other day and told me how well you were doing in your classes. She told me that you were the best in the class, knowing all 70 of your phonograms. She said that she has you sitting at the back of the room because you like to stand most of the day. And one day when she asked you why you weren't writing that one word down on your paper and you told her, "Mrs. Nosal, this grammar stuff is BORING!" I'm glad you don't struggle with being honest. :)

You are this Mama's biggest helper. I can't thank you enough for the way you do your chores without arguing or complaining.

You love on your little brother in a way that lights up my soul. It's my favorite when I look out the tall windows and see the two of you cruising in the jeep, Jeddy laughing and you grinning from ear to ear, the wind blowing wild in both your faces. I love the way you tell everyone that your brother is your "first" best friend.

Lately you have grown so much in your passion for God's Word. A few times a day you ask me to show where things are in that big book and you tell me how you want to learn to read the whole thing yourself. I pray with all my heart that that passion never fades. As Deuteronomy 32:47 says, "These instructions are not mere words... they are YOUR LIFE!" Yes my sweet son, may His Words truly, throughout these years under this farmhouse roof, become your life. :)

Sweet Siah man... I have loved you like crazy since the day you were born! I hope that today and everyday, you never doubt my beyond words love for you. But above all, like we pray every last night together as I tuck you in tight under your cars-comforter, I hope that you KNOW more than ANYTHING, HIS Never stopping, Never giving up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever love for you!

Happy Happy Happy 7th Birthday to my amazing Siah!

Love you true,

Mama

All His Benefits

2012-04-27T19:17:00.002-07:00

Psalm 103

Praise the Lord, oh my soul; (a definition of soul: mind to think, emotions to respond and a will to choose... in praising Him with my soul, I am submitting my mind, my emotions and my will to whatever pleases Him. Awesome? Yes!)
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

Praise the Lord, oh my soul,
and forget not all his benefits__

who FORGIVES all your sins (literally meaning, "to show oneself gentle, a lightness, a lifting up." I love how in the listing, forgiveness, "a weight lifted," is mentioned first.:)
and HEALS all your diseases,
who REDEEMS your life from the pit (literally, "the bringing back of purpose, of identity, of love. Like the fatherless child who gets adopted, rescued!" He_Redeems_US! Amazing!)
and CROWNS you with love and compassion, (The word "compassion" used here is a word that is only used in the Bible to describe God, never people. His compassion towards us is far beyond human ability.)
who SATISFIES your desires with good things (The word satisfy, is "ascribed to the soul, and to the eye which is satisfied in seeing." He satisfies our souls in allowing us to see more and more of Himself...)
so that your youth is RENEWED like the eagles. (Each and every year, an eagle receives a brand new set of feathers.The Lord will always renew. He is faithful to make all things new.)

He forgives and heals,
redeems and crowns,
satisfies and renews...
daily, hourly, moment by moment.
He is all these things, in me and through me, without fail. Life can't get much sweeter than that. :)

On the messy days, I need only to think upon all His benefits.

Planting Seeds Against Social Injustice

2012-04-22T15:36:00.000-07:00

He's a really bad man who takes children from their homes and trains them to be soldiers, trains them to kill strangers, and even worse, trains them to kill their own. He's been doing this for decades and has never been caught, or served time for his heinous acts of injustice.

But one group dared to be bold.

One group has spent the past decade working together with the media, with the government, with anyone who has been willing to listen, and willing to fight for what they've know all along to be right... They've fought for justice. They've fought for those who are unable to fight for themselves.

And last Friday night they gave the world an opportunity to come together and let the nations know that this yucky, yucky man needs to be brought to justice. They challenged the world to "Cover The Night," with posters of this yucky man's face, to make him famous. Not famous to applaud him, but famous for the sake of a desperate desire for justice. Their hope was to tell the leaders of all nations that it's important to millions of people around the entire world that this man should no longer be able to take children and use them for such evil.

The Cowboy and I have watched this video together countless times... We're always asking the Lord to lead us into opportunities to serve around the world, even though we know that it will often times look different for us in this season with many small children.

How could we help fight against this yucky man and include our kids in the fight without scaring the pants off of them?

Cover The Night was an incredible opportunity for us live out the blessing of serving others with our children. With discretion we were able to explain to them that we had an opportunity to help put a bad man in jail. And together with our treasure friends and neighbors we were able to "Cover The Farm" with

"Kony 2012 " posters.

When we told our Siah about Kony, he assured us that he never wanted to go to Africa. I can only imagine the things that were going on in his little mind and he tried to grasp the things that are happening around the world. But it opened up an opportunity to chat with our boy. He might be afraid now, but as he grows, who knows, maybe the Lord will give him passion and courage to stand up for those who are unable to stand up for themselves.

One of my absolute favorite things about being a parent are the days when we get to give the treasures opportunities to think outside themselves, and to at least plant possibilities in their hearts.

Truthfully, the idea of social injustice might be way over their heads at this stage in their little lives.

But my theory is that there is never any harm in the planting. After all, it is the Lord that grows the seeds. :)

So the Cowboy and I, we plant at every opportunity, and believe with every ounce of our being that HE will be faithful to grow up in them whatever will bring HIM the most glory. :)

Today There Were Ten

2012-04-22T07:12:00.001-07:00

There's a really special little guy not doing so well right now. He's in a lot of pain and in and out of the hospital...

So today, six of his amazing brothers and sisters came to hang out with us on the farm while his parents love on and care for him.

There was a whole lot of joy, a whole lot of food, a whole lot of lost shoes and mixed up socks...

In a day's fun we went through two rolls of toilet paper, an entire bottle of hand soap, 2 rounds of running the dishwasher, and more giggles than I could keep track of. :)

Sweet G__ LOVED having your treasures today on the farm! Not sure the Lord's calling me to have ten children, but it was a total gift on a gorgeous Friday in April! Praying for your precious Thad!

Funny Farm

2012-04-18T06:50:00.000-07:00

Life around the farmhouse can be silly sometimes...
************

The girls got all "ready" for dinner tonight. All dressed up in lip gloss and a generous variety of hair clips. I loved it!

************
Siah recently informed us that he LOVES hard-boiled eggs. He especially loves the cheese in the middle...
Hehe :)

************
At the kitchen sink the Cowboy was telling me about the lottery and how it's at some crazy high number like $650 million.

Then he told me that if he won the lottery he'd pay off Matt and Adam's trucks for them, pay off our house, and buy himself a brand new, sweet truck.

I asked what he might buy me?

He said a new faucet for the sink that matches the hardware on my cabinets. {BIG smile}....

"Wait, I thought you just won 650 MILLION dollars??? And all I get is a faucet, eh?"

He laughs and pulls me in close....

"Only the best faucet out there." :)

... Lovely, just lovely.

****************

And my favorite moment of the week....

At the long farm table, we're all eating dinner and I sit up straight and stretch out my back a little.

Then the spunky girl, she informs me,

"Mom, when you put your shoulders back like that, it makes those fat things on the top of your stomach soo big!"

I can't help but giggle and then my Siah pipes in and wants to set his sister straight...

"They're not fat things, they're boobs."

To which the Cowboy brings our lovely dinner conversation to a very quick halt...

"OOOO-KAY! At this farm table we will no longer be discussing boobs!"

**************
I don't think I can ever describe my life with these treasures and this Cowboy, as dull. :)

An Afternoon

2012-04-12T08:14:00.004-07:00

We lost a chicken this afternoon. I found it lifeless right there in the corner of our little make-shift coup, being pecked to further death by it's little companions. :(

The Charmer put a bar of soap and a golf ball in the toilet, I guess we're lagging on putting the lid down around here.

The truck is still broken and sitting at the shop in town.

And the Dancing girl cried through her (ENTIRE) reading lesson today, she said there were to many sounds to put together on that one page.

It sounds like good-old LIFE, to me.

But why is it that my circumstances so often determine the state of my heart?

Rightfully so, the Cowboy was not happy coming home to ANOTHER clogged toilet,

But I HATE that tension between us. I hate that feeling of inadequacy in my own heart, that feeling of "if only"... if only I had been able to keep a better eye on that little Charmer, then the Cowboy and I could have kissed each other in the dark instead of sitting in different rooms all grouchy at one another.

I know he wasn't mad at me. It's simply frustrating to come home to an hour long, unexpected hunt for the missing bar of soap lodged in the brand new toilet.

These ups and downs, they will always be here.

Why do I choose to be beaten down by the waves when I know that with a simple word HE can calm any storm?

We read it this morning., you know that story about HIM and HIS disciples in the boat? Their fear blinding them from witnessing first-hand HIS glory. He was napping and all they had to do was wake HIM up and listen to HIM whisper that one word, "Peace"...

HIM whispering one word, and the wind and the waves obeyed HIM... immediately.

There's always gonna be stuff. Trucks break, chickens die, and that little Charmer looks up at you with that unbelievable smile and reminds you that life without clogged toilets is boring.

Maybe life would be easier and I would have so much more control over my days if we had less kids and less animals and a smaller house and this or that? Maybe we wouldn't have to think twice about money if I sent the kids to school and worked full time?

Oh but the joy of here!

Even on the rough days.

I'm discovering that no matter where you are or what your circumstance, there will always be opportunity to choose misery or choose joy. It-is-always-a-choice. Always.

That Charmer, he flooded the kitchen while playing joyfully in the water-cooler. He threw golf-balls in with the chickens and laughed and laughed. You'd think I'd know by now that when I hear that deep belly laughter it's a sign of Charmer-trouble. But instead I listened to that little boy's joy for fifteen minutes before I thought to see what he was actually laughing about.

Life will always be happening here. It won't always be pretty. But I can still choose joy if I want to.

I was bundled up under the covers, watching the thunderstorm roll in outside my window when the Cowboy came in and tangled his fingers up in mine. The release of pride from both of our hearts. Walls fall down, the tension breaks open and a flood of HIS joy comes in and restores what was lost on one Wednesday afternoon in April.

Celebrating Hal

2012-04-10T07:39:00.001-07:00

It's a rarity that it's just him and I and her.

Birthdays have always been a big deal around here. After we lost the boys, I always wanted to have a huge celebration every year to tell my treasures and everyone I know, how incredibly blessed and thankful I am for each one of these little people living under this farmhouse roof.

Each of them are PURE gift and I want them to know it.

But the treasures are growing up.

Things are changing around here and they have things that they're passionate about, things that they want to do that don't involve our whole amazingly, lovely, little world of friends.

So this year, something more intimate... Something special just for the three of us.

And even though we didn't have a giant hoop-la, our family and friends still came together this birthday to make it extra special for our Halee-girl, just in a different way.

Everyone pitched in, in some way or another, and we took our little Hal up to the American Girl Store in Denver.

It was kind of strange just having one of our treasures... way quieter than our lives usually are... especially because she just happens to be the quietest treasure of them all.

But she was glowing the ENTIRE day. And I felt so grateful to bless her with the very thing that we had told her she couldn't have because it was too expensive. (THANK YOU to all who went out of their way to make this day special.:)

It makes my insides radiate joy when we're able to give good gifts to our kids.

How much more must HE delight in giving good gifts to HIS treasures? What a heart-happy thought??

He's always showing me HIS great love for us all, as we grow up together with these amazing kids... four gifts that light up my life, daily, hourly! :)

Happy Birthday to my sweet, sweet, Halee-girl!

The Farm Is Growing

2012-04-09T21:41:00.000-07:00

Our little farm is growing...

We now have,

4 Treasures...

2 Cats...

1 dog....

And...

10 Chicks!

And the total truth is that I LOVE them.

I have no idea what has come over me, but I love these chicks.

Last Friday, the Cowboy had off work and we took the crew out to the Big R (A local farmer's paradise :). We went to buy seeds and dirt, and ended up with these ten gems.

There was a lovely woman there who spent the afternoon educating our little family on how to care for chicks.

We had to get raw and real right from the start.

Who knew that when pieces of shavings get stuck to a chick's little bum, it can prevent them from being able to go potty and they can get so stopped up so quickly that they can die. So part of our daily duties with our new chickens involves "bum checks". The kids (and the Mama and Papa), think the whole thing is quite hilarious. :)

Bet ya never knew that chicks could be cannibals too? That's why we bought the red light and not the white. If one of the chicks gets a cut or a scratch, the other chicks start to peck at the wound and eventually end up mutilating and eating the injured chick. YUCK!

Other than the bum and cannibal issues, these chicks are the easiest pets EVER. Literally, they just hang out. They should be full size in 6-8 weeks and giving us farm fresh eggs in as little as four months.

I love this whole new world that we are all finding here on the Farm.

I'm loving learning to love all things new. :)

He's teaching me to jump into the joy of all that He gives,

and I'm finding that the journey, though unexpected, is actually way lovelier than I could have ever mustered up on my own.

A Messy-Beautiful Resurrection Day

2012-04-09T20:36:00.002-07:00

It started out a little hairy...

On Easter morning the Cowboy left early in his new (rather old) pick-up that we drove out to Franktown the night before to get.

It wasn't long before he called and said he was on his way home...

The truck wasn't working right.

I got the kids ready right quick and all six of us drove together to the early service.

That's when it all seemed to go down hill.

I understand.

The Cowboy, thinking about money and how much it's gonna cost to get the pick-up running again.

I know how large crowds aren't the Cowboy's favorite thing and I understand how the thought of the afternoon's festivities and all those people can overwhelm.

I totally wanna snap too, when one of the treasures spews out the fifteenth complaint of the morning, complaining can just irritate in the pit.

I understand.

But wasn't it supposed to be the Lord's day?

Weren't we all supposed to be overflowing with joy because of what He did up there on that cross?

Weren't we supposed to be down right happy at the glorious news that He's no longer dead, but surely ALIVE?

And us, we were driving down that long country road, a whopping grouchy mess.

The whole car got silent and I choked out my disappointment in tears. The complaining son and the Cowboy, they made it right.

The day went on.

We did church, and an afternoon of friends, amazing food, stories of HIM and how He's our greatest treasure, a gargantuous egg hunt, and a whole lot of joy.

Sometimes we just forget to see like HE sees. The broken pick-up, the complaining child and the afternoon crowds can all be a bummer, but there is always the other side, if only we chose to see it.

We have a another working car.

We have these amazing friends that love Christ and love us and it's more than a gift to live life with these folks.

Resurrection Day was over and we put the kids to bed and the Cowboy and I end up on the couch, together, smiling.

"It'll all work out." he threw it out there.

"It's messy, and unknown. It wasn't the plan" I empathize.

"We've done way messier," he leans in and kisses my forehead. "We have the Lord, and all that's HE's done for us. With Him we can do any kind of messy."

Sometimes the messy is exactly what we need, to walk right into HIM...

Our sweet Jed... he was quite the mess at the end of all things Easter..

This picture of Reesie (below) just made me laugh and laugh... :)

The messy-beautiful of us... a sweet reminder of just why Easter happens to be the best holiday of the year. :)

5 Pounds

2012-04-05T22:04:00.000-07:00

There is no question that I lack in self-control.

The question then becomes, how on God's green earth can I obtain self control? Is it even possible?

He says it Himself when talking about taming the tongue... He says that it's practically impossible to do so.

So here I am wanting to rid this body of mine of five completely unnecessary pounds and I can't even make it through a single day... not even ONE measly day, without a chai tea latte with my breakfast and some sort of chocolate treat after dinner. I dream about exercise but that it never goes further than a dream.

I give myself these pep-talks every night before bed. You know, the ones where you tell yourself that tomorrow's the day, the day of new beginnings. And if only I put my mind to it I can really do this...

The very next morning, I'm standing in front of the pantry again, staring at that giant tub of latte mix and my head is saying one thing while my stomach and my mouth are saying, "just drink the darn thing."

So I've been praying.

I've been asking what the real issue is?

And my new friend Tozer puts it out there for me once again,

"Without a doubt, we (the human race, more specifically, Americans) are out of control and it may be that we have reached the point of no return."

True that, Mr Tozer! :)

He just described my food life in a nutshell.

I feel way beyond the point of no return.

Yes, I would love to lose a few pounds off my hips and my backside, but what I want even more is to find a way into a God-size self control.

I know it's possible.

I've seen it in some of my closest friends. These women, they train their bodies into submission and somehow convince their legs to run marathons, and do crazy events like this one...

But me, I'm having a good day when I can convince my legs to run to the mailbox and walk back.

I can come up with excuse after pathetic excuse... It's so cold outside. Or, plain and simple, I'm just hungry. :)

I think I'm starting to see. I can't change without starting at the root of the issue. It's not about the food or the lack of exercise as much as it's about the absence of self control. Which means that, once again, there is an excess of self and an absence of Spirit going on in my life.

Self control is one of the fruits of the Spirit. That means that the beginning of change must be the Spirit Himself at work within.

"It is as we submit to the Spirit's control that we are empowered to exercise control." (Tozer)

That's nice, but what does that mean for me when I wake up tomorrow morning and I want to fall right into this yucky cycle that I currently have going on in this area of my life?

I LOVE what John Piper puts out there about Christ followers and self-control...

Paul says that Christians exercise self-control like the Greek athletes, only our goal is eternal, not temporal. "Everyone who competes in the games (agonizomenos) exercises self-control in all things. They then do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable" (1 Corinthians 9:25). So he says, "I pommel my body and subdue it" (1 Corinthians 9:27). Self-control is saying no to sinful desires, even when it hurts.

But the Christian way of self-control is NOT "Just say no!" The problem is with the word "just." You don't just say no. You say no in a certain way: You say no by faith in the superior power and pleasure of Christ. It is just as ruthless. And may be just as painful. But the difference between worldly self-control and godly self-control is crucial. Who will get the glory for victory? That's the issue. Will we get the glory? Or will Christ get the glory? If we exercise self-control by faith in Christ's superior power and pleasure, Christ will get the glory.

The Spirit must work, and I must participate. But in the end it can't be about the food or the exercise, it needs to be about Christ and His power in my life. "The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but the victory belongs to the Lord. " Proverbs 21:30

I'm starting out simple and praying for a little consistency.

1. Remove the culprits... And replace with a worthwhile alternative.
(Goodbye Chai tea latte. I have found a new love of mint tea with a touch of honey. I've also enjoyed this list of 100 healthy snack ideas and have kept several of them on hand.

2. I take my days one hour at a time. I don't have a 30-day weight loss plan going on over here. Instead it's an hourly plan to commune with the only one who can make any real change in this soul of mine. May His Word satisfy my tongue in a way that are these other thing will never be able to do so. When self wants to master me, I think upon this verse... "If by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live." Romans 8:13

I'm starting to see a theme going on in this heart of mine...

That in all areas desperate for change, it cannot be anything having to do with self...

"Not by might nor power, but by MY Spirit says the LORD of hosts..." (Zechariah 4:6)

Lord, I just want to see Your Spirit, Your power at work in my life, all for Your glory.

Any other way is completely in vain.

And so tomorrow we begin anew with day one...

The Gaze Of A Soul

2012-04-04T20:53:00.002-07:00

I haven't written much in this quiet spot lately. Truth be told, there are so many times when I'm just not even sure what to scratch out. So many times, everything in this heart of mine just feels like one gigantic mess of things and I don't even know where to turn my feet in order to take even the smallest step towards Him.

I read a little Tozer in the bathtub tonight.

"The man who has struggled to purify himself and has nothing but repeated failures will experience real relief when he stops tinkering with his soul and looks away to the perfect One. When he looks at Christ, the very things that he has been trying to do will be getting done within him.It will be God working in him to will and to do."

Oddly, something within me actually does know this. I know this, and understand this with such weak human eyes. I see, but my vision is so incredibly blurred, it's almost as if I really don't see at all.

Oh, I can talk about God with anyone and everyone, sure.

But what's really happening over here in this heart of mine is a lack of faith.

That Tozer, he defines faith with such practicality that I just want to kiss the man and thank him for bringing a clear understanding to a girl who often over analyzes and ends up truly understanding very little...

"Faith, is the gaze of a soul upon a saving God."

Well of course it is. Why didn't I think of that?

I'm not sure why, but that definition makes so much sense to me, and I'm so thankful for it.

I've been reading through Matthew this Easter season and came upon so many scriptures that I've read so many times, so many scriptures that after nearly twenty years of being in a love relationship with my Savior still make very little practical sense to me.

You know that scripture about the mustard seed. The one where Jesus is telling his disciples that if they just had a faith as small as a mustard seed that they could say to this mountain, get up and walk and it would? (I'm paraphrasing here. :)

What does that even mean?

I'm praying for a little girl that I love right now. Praying for healing. I believe that God can heal her, but He's not. I have faith. God can heal. He IS able. So where am I going wrong?

Lately I have been so easily irritated with my treasures. My words are short and far from kind. I am not exemplifying Christ and I am often times not choosing to love like I know He loves.

I've prayed. I've begged. I have faith that God can change that yucky quality in me, the one that quite frankly has been tearing up my insides for weeks now. But everyday the battle is still there, and I'm on the losing side. Why does He not change me? Is it my lack of faith?

"Faith is the gaze of a soul upon a saving God"...

Maybe my struggle is a complete misunderstanding of faith?

Maybe not much is changing because I'm so obsessed with self?

Maybe it's that my gaze is on me, (a heart so consumed with my own inefficiencies) and NOT upon a saving God?

Maybe I'm forgetting that even the simplicity of my days under this farmhouse roof are really sacred days. He doesn't just show up on Christmas and Easter. Time and place do not matter when it comes to the choosing of faith.

"Lift your heart and let it rest upon Jesus and you are instantly in a sanctuary though it be a Pullman berth or a factory or a kitchen. :) You can see God from anywhere if your mind is set to love and obey Him."

That lesson of CHOICE keeps coming up in my life. I need to chose joy in my circumstance thus this whole year has been named, Acceptance With Joy. It is the same for me with faith. It is a choice to form a new habit, a habit that will bring lasting change and allow me to see with a new set of eyes. It will become an inward habit of daily, hourly, beholding God.

"When the habit of inwardly gazing Godward becomes fixed within us, we shall be ushered onto a new level of spiritual life more in keeping with the promises of God and the mood of the New Testament. The Triune God will be our dwelling place even while our feet walk the low road of simple duty here among men."

There is no formula to motherhood, to being a daughter or a wife or a friend. So the learning is always a shifting of heart and sight.

Lord, increase my faith.

Allow my soul to gaze upon You, my saving God.

And as I look towards You and away from myself, may my messy-beautiful life display Your splendor.

Resources: The Pursuit Of God by AW Tozer

A Letter To My Halee-Girl

2012-04-04T05:53:00.000-07:00

Six lovely years with a little girl like you...

You show me daily what grace looks like, you offer it around every corner.

Your tender heart is so other's minded.

Your kindness towards your siblings reminds me that it's His kindness that leads us all into repentance.

Your tender touch and soft words bring comfort when the little ones around here get hurt... they no longer come to their Mama, they go to you when they stub their toe or get a bonk.

Yesterday I was in the bathroom and I heard you whispering to the troops..."Let's surprise Mama and clean the whole house while she's in the shower." Everyone agreed and I heard you all giggling happy as you literally cleaned up every room in the house for your Mama.

You're diligent and detailed in your school work and you love learning to read. I'm so proud of you.

But what I love most about you is your gentle spirit and the way that you love around here. You're the quietest one of the bunch. You don't ask a million questions like your brother Siah, and you're not sassy and spunky like your little sister, but you display God's splendor simply in being yourself.

You, my Halee-girl, are a greater gift than I ever could have asked for.

The Lord didn't even have to give me one, with a daughter as wonderful as you, but instead He's given 2190 days of sheer joy!

You brighten my days and give the sweetest of hugs.

Today is truly a CELEBRATION!!!!!

I LOVE you with ALL my heart! :)

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to our precious daughter of the King!

Painting The Old Farm House

2012-04-01T15:21:00.000-07:00

I thought that blue trim would be lovely.

He thought that red would make the old farmhouse pop.

He won. (And truthfully, I'm glad he did).

Painting the old farm house has been making me long for Home.

It's funny the things we do to convince our hearts that things will be better.
"If we just remodel this or that, then I'll like our home better."
Or, "If I just bought that one cute dress, it might cover up the fact that I haven't exercised in months."

And as the Cowboy and I, S_L_O_W_L_Y paint the farmhouse on the weekends for nearly a month straight, I find that the very thing that was supposed to kinda perk up the old house, has instead reminded my heart of how flawed and fading this world really is.

As we move along the sill, we find rotting wood on it's arch.

A wood pecker has pecked a perfect circle in the center of our roof... It has become a home to a mama blue bird and her babies.

There are cracks and dents and holes around every corner.

And here I am, with a $30 bucket of red paint, stroking a brush back and forth, trying to make the farmhouse something that it's not... something perfect.

Nothing here is perfect.

It's all withering, it's all fading.

I thought when we were gathering supplies at the Home Depot that I was gathering a way to make my heart feel more content.

What I found as I painted was that my heart is really just always homesick for my forever Home.

"The grass withers and the flowers fade, but the Word of the Lord stands forever."

I know this, but I still try to convince myself otherwise.

I can paint all I want, but I can't cover up the messy-beautiful of this place. I can't make new what was already destroyed thousands of years ago in the garden.

Red on white. I'm far from being a professional painter and I keep "accidentally" slipping the red onto the white. There are imperfections everywhere.

I'm so thankful for this farmhouse. But my heart knows that I'm only passing through. And quite frankly, I just can hardly wait to go Home. Home to the place where the paint will never fade, where the red will never bleed into the white. The place where there will be no cracks or holes or dents in unwanted places... Neither on my eternal farmhouse, nor on the walls of my heart. :)

Ahhhh, H_O_M_E!

I can hardly wait!

But until then, I'll settle for a bucket of red paint and a few sunny weekends with the Cowboy painting right along side of me, him winking up at me from underneath his cowboy hat. :)

****************
One more side of the farmhouse to go... then I'll post pictures of the final messy-beautiful place that we currently call home...

Willingness

2012-03-28T06:23:00.002-07:00

"...and I, even I, will be with your mouth and his mouth, and I will teach you what you are to do." Exodus 4:15

Moses didn't want to go.

He didn't want to talk to Pharaoh,.

He didn't want to say the wrong thing, or mess things up.

I so get it. It's exactly how I feel about homeschooling.

Most days I feel completely inadequate. I wonder what the Lord might have been thinking in laying this endeavor on our hearts?

Are they learning enough?

Am I really the best teacher for them?

And as I'm reading about Moses this morning, I discover the one place He went wrong.

God had asked Moses to go to Pharaoh and speak to him. And Moses was terrified. (I am terrified of how my treasures might turn out if we continue on this homeschooling path.)

And Moses asked the Lord several questions, until finally the Lord became angry with Moses.

Moses asked, "Who am I?" (Exodus 3:11)

Then he asked , "Who should I say sent me?" (3:13)

Still doubting, he asked, "Suppose they will not believe me, or listen to my voice?" (4:1)

And then in Exodus 10, Moses tried further still to tell God that he was not, and had never been, eloquent enough to speak."

Even at that point, the Lord was not angry with Moses.

He got angry when Moses stopped asking questions and simply became unwilling.

Yesterday was probably the best school day we've ever had. The kids played outside all morning, and I sat on the schoolroom floor, listening to U2, "With Or Without You," over and over again, and carried on a long lovely conversation with my Jesus.

And who would have thought that the Lord could use Bono to speak into the deep parts of my heart?

I can't do homeschooling, I can't do parenting, I can't do this life, without my Jesus.

I get all caught up in all the decisions that need to be made, all the lessons that need to be learned, all that needs to be met in a day, and I just wanna sit on the floor and cry. Because I CAN'T do it all. Plain and simple.

And then I see it on the pages of His love letter this morning.

"I." I, being Him. It's Him, that does the necessary heart work in this family. It's HIM who will "be with my mouth, and who will teach me what to do."

"I-will-teach-you-what-you-are-to-do."

I simply have to be willing.

My disobedience comes when I let fear cause me to be unwilling.

HE will move me forward. HE will water the souls of my children. HE will grow up their minds, and knead their hearts into His likeness.

Will I mess up along the way? Royally, I'm sure.

But the only tool that I really need to have, is willingness. The courage to put one foot in front of the other and walk straight into Him.

I need you Lord. Teach me what I need to do. And fill my mouth with Your gentle, comforting words, as the treasures, the Cowboy, and I, grow up together under this very raw and real farmhouse roof. :)