Jokes

The best way to win an argument

noreply@blogger.com (Rashid Malik) — Mon, 08 Sep 2014 17:02:00 +0000

"The best way to win an argument is to begin by being right."
-- Jill Ruckelshaus

Cat's Diary

noreply@blogger.com (Rashid Malik) — Mon, 08 Sep 2014 13:38:00 +0000

DAY 752-My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow
I may eat another house plant.

DAY 761-Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.

DAY 762-Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765-Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm must try this with their baby...

Resistance is useless!

noreply@blogger.com (Rashid Malik) — Mon, 08 Sep 2014 13:35:00 +0000

"Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm)"
-- Anonymous

Don't you 'Honey' me!

noreply@blogger.com (Rashid Malik) — Mon, 08 Sep 2014 13:34:00 +0000

Mother cat with several kittens are walking in the park when a handsome Tom cat walks by and says, "Hi, Honey."

Mother cat says, "Don't you 'Honey' me! You said we were only fighting!"

For longevity don't argue

noreply@blogger.com (Rashid Malik) — Mon, 08 Sep 2014 13:32:00 +0000

A fellow who's just reached his 150th birthday was giving a press conference to the assembled media.

"Excuse me, sir," one of the reporters said, "but how did you come to live to 150?"

"It's actually quite simple," the old fellow replied. "I just never argue."

"That's impossible," the reporter responded. "There must be something else, like diet, or meditation, or something. Just not arguing won't keep you alive for 150 years!"

The old fellow stared hard at the reporter for several seconds.

"Hmmm," he finally shrugged, "maybe, you're right."

You can't have everything

noreply@blogger.com (Rashid Malik) — Mon, 08 Sep 2014 13:31:00 +0000

"You can't have everything... where would you put it?"
-- Stephen Wright

Teeth hiding

noreply@blogger.com (Rashid Malik) — Mon, 08 Sep 2014 13:30:00 +0000

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over lunch.

"I do wish that my John would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."

My Fred used to do the same thing," the other woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."

"Really, how?" asked the first woman.

"Easy, I hid his teeth."

What is reality

noreply@blogger.com (Rashid Malik) — Sun, 07 Sep 2014 20:28:00 +0000

"Reality is an illusion created by alcoholic deficiency."
-- Anonymous

The tea bag laugh

noreply@blogger.com (Rashid Malik) — Sun, 07 Sep 2014 20:22:00 +0000

Three old couples were having tea one fine day. There were all chatting and whatnot when one of the men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey!” Getting the chuckle he expected, he carried on. A moment later, the second man said, "Pass the sugar, sugar!" This got a bit of a bigger laugh, so the third man, although not quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two, decided to join in the fun. He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his throat and then confidently said, "Pass the tea, bag!"

Snoring solution

noreply@blogger.com (Rashid Malik) — Fri, 05 Sep 2014 17:03:00 +0000

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.

" No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better", said the soldier. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?" "No, I shut him up in no time", explained the soldier.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.

"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. "Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me."

FBI Assassin

noreply@blogger.com (Rashid Malik) — Wed, 23 Apr 2014 12:05:00 +0000

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testings were done three finalists remained. Richard, Sam and Jane were to be given a final test. For the final test, the FBI agents took Richard to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find Betty, your wife, sitting in a chair. Kill Her!"

Richard said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

Sam was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.

Sam came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally it was Jane's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband Bob. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood Jane, wiping the sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with a chair."

Okay, lady! You can have your fu#&in deer!

noreply@blogger.com (Rashid Malik) — Fri, 24 Jan 2014 09:07:00 +0000

It was Sunday morning when Bill, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go nail the first deer of the season.

He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Judy, sitting there, fully decked out in camouflage overalls.

Bill asks her, "Ummm, What are you up to?"

Judy smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"

Bill, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Two hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside the city.

Bill sets his overly anxious wife up safely in the deer stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant.... much less a deer. Not 15 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears a breakout of gunshots. Quickly, Bill starts running back.

As Bill gets closer to her stand, he hears Judy screaming, "Get away from my damn deer!"

Confused and frightened Bill races faster towards his screaming wife.

And again he hears her scream, "Get away from my fu#&in deer now!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now, within sight of where he had left his wife, Bill is surprised to see a Texas cowboy, with his hands high in the air.

The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady! You can have your fu#&in deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

Who's the Boss?

noreply@blogger.com (Rashid Malik) — Sun, 22 Sep 2013 07:42:00 +0000

Timmy and Tina were sitting down to eat their supper with the baby sitter when 6 year old Timmy saw the baby sitter sit down in his father's seat.

"You can't sit in my father's seat!" Timmy exclaimed.

"Your father is not home," the baby sitter replied, matter-of-factly. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today I'm the boss."

Tina, the 4 year old, quickly replied, "If you're the boss, you have to sit over there in Mommy's chair!"

Wear some rubber, pastor!

noreply@blogger.com (Rashid Malik) — Sat, 31 Aug 2013 20:40:00 +0000

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so the pastor stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke,
"Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice...

"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen."

Gotta love those senior citizens!

Mommy or daddy?

noreply@blogger.com (Rashid Malik) — Sat, 31 Aug 2013 20:39:00 +0000

Santa: Whom you like more mama or papa?

Pappu: Both...

Santa: No tell me one..??

Pappu: Both.

Santa: If I go to America & your mother goes to Paris where will you go??

Pappu: Paris.

Santa: It means you like your mother??

Pappu: No, because Paris is beautiful than America...

Santa: If I go to Paris & your mother goes to America so where will you go??

Pappu: America!

Santa: Why?

Pappu: Paris toh ghoom aaye na papa.

The income tax woman

noreply@blogger.com (Rashid Malik) — Sat, 31 Aug 2013 20:38:00 +0000

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a Ruppe coin.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and gasping for breath.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a Tea stall in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of Tea.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her Tea cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's balls and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, she hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the Tea stall without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"No," the woman replied, "I work for the Income Tax Dept."

Dead woman’s credit

noreply@blogger.com (Rashid Malik) — Sat, 31 Aug 2013 20:34:00 +0000

A lady died this past January, and ICICI Bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been Rs.0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around Rs.6000.00. A family member placed a call to ICICI Bank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

ICICI Bank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections. '

ICICI Bank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

ICICI Bank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

ICICI Bank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

ICICI Bank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a Rs.0 balance.'

ICICI Bank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

ICICI Bank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

ICICI Bank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )

After they got the fax :

ICICI Bank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

ICICI Bank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

ICICI Bank: 'That might help...'

Family Member: Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Avinashi, Coimbatore

ICICI Bank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

Stand aside my dear friend

noreply@blogger.com (Rashid Malik) — Tue, 20 Aug 2013 18:35:00 +0000

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job...

He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.

He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don't have a wife," second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job."

He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says, "Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved."

A machine that catches thieves

noreply@blogger.com (Rashid Malik) — Sat, 17 Aug 2013 09:23:00 +0000

Israelis invented a machine that catches thieves;
they took it out to different countries for a test.

In U.S.A, in 30 minutes, it caught 30 thieves;

In UK, in 30 minutes it caught 50 thieves;

In Spain, in 30 minutes it caught 65 thieves;

In Ghana, in 30 minutes it caught 600 thieves;

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

In India, in 15 minutes the machine was stolen !!!!!!!!!
(with Government connivance.)

An absent-minded professor

noreply@blogger.com (Rashid Malik) — Sun, 11 Aug 2013 09:37:00 +0000

An absent-minded professor was moving to a new house further along the same street. His wife knew that he was prone to forgetting things and so she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper he went off to college. She handed him the paper and the key to the new house and reminded him not to go back the old address.

That morning, one of his student asked him a complex question and the professor wrote the answer down on the back of the slip of paper. This student asked whether he could keep the paper.

Forgetting what was on the other side, the professor said, "Certainly."

In the evening, he returned out of habit to the old house, tried the key and could not get in. Realizing his mistake, he search in his pockets for the slip of paper with the new address, but off course there was no sign of it. So he wandered along the street and the stop the first personable-looking lad whom he saw.

"Excuse me, I'm professor Galbraith. You would not happen to know where I live, would you?"

"Sure, dad," said the boy.

'CZWXNQSTACZ'

noreply@blogger.com (Rashid Malik) — Sun, 11 Aug 2013 09:36:00 +0000

A Russian visiting India goes for an eye check up

The Eye Doctor shows the letters 'CZWXNQSTACZ' to the Russian.

Doctor:-Can you read this?

Russian:- Read? I even know the guy!

The Yellow problem

noreply@blogger.com (Rashid Malik) — Tue, 30 Jul 2013 17:04:00 +0000

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve.

She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.

Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this "yellow" construction paper?"

When did it happen?

noreply@blogger.com (Rashid Malik) — Sat, 27 Jul 2013 17:10:00 +0000

A man died and went up to heaven where he was greeted by St. Peter.

"And who are you?" asked St. Peter.

"My name is Steven Richards."

"And what did you do for a living?" asked St. Peter.

"I was unemployed."

"Unemployed, hmmm?" mused St. Peter. "And have you ever done anything good in your life?"

"As a matter of fact I have. I was walking along the street once and I saw a group of bikers who were threatening to beat up a defenceless girl. So I rushed to her rescue, pulled the ringleader off his hair, kicked him hard where it hurts and told him and his gang to clear off."

"That's highly commendable," said St. Peter flicking through the man's file, "but I can't see any report of this incident. When did it happen?"

"About five minutes ago."

This what your wife needs at least three times a week

noreply@blogger.com (Rashid Malik) — Tue, 16 Jul 2013 14:11:00 +0000

Eileen and her husband John went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband John watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to John and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'

John thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

You're not my boyfriend!

noreply@blogger.com (Rashid Malik) — Sun, 14 Jul 2013 16:21:00 +0000

After directory assistance gave Anita, her boyfriend's new telephone number, she dialed him and got a woman.

"Is Jimmy there?" Anita asked.

"He's in the shower," she responded.

"Please tell him his girlfriend called," Anita said and hung up.

When he didn't return the call, Anita dialed again. This time a man answered.

"This is Jimmy," he said.

"You're not my boyfriend!" Anita exclaimed.

"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."