jodie noted

Owen

2015-11-04T13:42:00.000-08:00

The last five months have found Owen regularly in and out of various doctor’s offices. He has physical and developmental limitations and we are working tirelessly to find the reason why and search for both short and long-term solutions. His muscle tone is low, causing balance and stability issues, speech delays, and other minor difficulties. Sweet, innocent children ask why Owen walks “crooked”, adults comment on his wobbliness and how tired he always looks, and others silently watch him from a distance as he stumbles and falls through grocery store aisles or the hallways at church.

Things that come easily and naturally to so many children - running, speaking, eating, standing straight - require a lot of hard work for Owen. He has been seen by an audiologist, an ophthalmologist, two pediatric neurologists, and has weekly sessions with both a physical therapist and speech pathologist. There are a lot of questions about what’s going on inside Owen’s little body and not a lot of answers, but we do know a few things. The diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy was mentioned a number of times with our first neurologist, pediatrician, and Owen’s therapists. After taking him to Primary Children’s Hospital in SLC for an MRI and then following up with our second neurologist there, we have been told with confidence that Owen does not have CP. We had been prepared for and almost expected the CP diagnosis and were relieved when, after those several weeks of waiting and wondering, we were told that it can be ruled out. What that leaves us with, however, are more questions and a new path of possibilities to explore.

Our next step is genetic testing, where Owen’s doctors will take blood samples of Clay, myself, and Owen and look for any anomalies that might explain his delays. The chances of finding a diagnosis are slim, but the test results could still give us a better idea of what’s in store for Owen’s development down the road. For now, we are calling what he has Global Developmental Delay, which means that everything from his speech to his fine and gross motor skills are delayed without having a clear explanation why.

What others see as weaknesses in Owen, we know are strengths. We may not yet have a diagnosis, but what we do have is everyday proof that Owen is a fighter. He is strong, he works hard, and he knows no boundaries that someone else might set for him. He has improved so much in the short time that he’s been in physical and speech therapies. In his first PT evaluation, he could not complete simple tasks like jump with both feet off the ground or walk up or down stairs without being held and guided. He now jumps off of everything he can find. He loves to walk on the treadmill and climb the rock wall with assistance from his therapists. In his first Speech evaluation, he could only say a small handful of words and mostly grunted and pointed in an effort to communicate. Now we can’t keep up with the words he is picking up on every day.

What’s hard is that many people on the outside do not and will not know of Owen’s strength. They will not know how hard he has worked and the tears he has shed as his progress continues, so frequently through pain and fatigue. So often we look at people and choose to see their faults rather than what they’ve overcome. We judge others, thinking they could try harder, do more, be something or someone different. But the truth is, we never know how far they’ve already come.

I know that we have many years, if not a lifetime, ahead of us as we work to give Owen the care that he needs. There will probably always be questions and stares and a natural curiosity from those around him. But there are also the people who know Owen and the light that he brings wherever he goes. He is happy and adorably loving and so fearlessly active. Those things come from within him. They do not come from a place of weakness or disability. They are who he really is. They are a part of his spirit and his tender, exceptionally big heart. And no matter what diagnosis we may or may not get down the road, that will never change. Owen is exactly who and how he is supposed to be. And we are so unbelievably glad that he’s ours.

For Tony Jay

2015-02-02T13:24:00.001-08:00

Tony. I find myself quietly saying his name throughout the day, as if speaking it out loud will make the pain of his death easier to bear. In some ways it does help, just a little.

I think about him a lot. I think about conversations we had and the conversations I wish we would have had. I picture him wrestling Mushu on the living room floor, or blaring his music way too loud in the upstairs bathroom. I see his dimples and hear his voice and I miss him terribly.

My favorite memory with Tony was when I told him I was pregnant with Owen. Clay and I had been sharing and celebrating the news with family all day. Crying tears of joy left my eyes puffy and red. When Vandi told Tony I had something important to tell him, all he saw were my tear-stained cheeks and he was instantly concerned. I smiled and told him I was pregnant. The worry on his face was immediately replaced with overwhelming joy and relief. That was Tony. He cared about people. He cared about his family. He sighed, gave me a big hug, and, through shared laughter, told me not to scare him like that ever again.

From the day Tony died up to the day of the funeral our time was spent planning, writing, crying, praying, and somehow pulling off Christmas with a house full of grieving family members. We had each other to lean on and we kept one another afloat. We shared stories. Even what had once been simple anecdotes of Tony’s life were suddenly cherished and priceless memories - recollections that we desperately clung to, hoping to feel him close. Though those days were hard, the ones that followed Tony’s funeral were significantly harder. After the funeral, we had to leave the support and comfort of each other and face real life as we went our separate ways. In my quiet moments alone, not knowing what else to do, I fell to my knees and sobbed. I know every other member of the family has done the same.

Those moments of outward pain are gradually lessening, but I fear the internal sorrow will never go away. As a family we are suffering, we are missing a huge piece of who we are. As individuals we are broken, seeking peace and even just a temporary freedom from sadness.

As the days go by and questions remain unanswered, I feel anger sneaking its way into my heart. It’s a strange thing to have a person who means nothing to us be responsible for taking away the person who means everything to us. I don’t know his name, his face, nor do I care to. But his choice has altered the lives of many. I have had more conversations about guns and bad guys with my five year old daughter than any parent ever should. There are no words to describe the hurt of knowing how Tony was taken from this earthly life. I try not to think about it. I try not to think about the person responsible. I can’t think about it. I do think about how Tony lived, though. I think about him daily. And that’s a much better way to direct my thoughts.

I also think about Jesus Christ and the pain and suffering he endured at the end of his life. I think about how I wouldn’t wish the heartache I feel from this tragedy on anybody, and then I remember that Christ voluntarily felt this very pain. He knows our suffering. He knows our broken hearts. And that knowledge, more than anything else, helps me get through each day.

Throughout all of this, my eyes have been opened to the truly good people around us. Their acts of kindness and love remind me that light will always drive away darkness. Their service shows me that God answers prayers in different ways through inspired hearts. The good people of our community whose lives have been touched by Tony and the Hansen family have provided a strength we’ve needed and will continue to treasure.

Two days before Tony died, I told him the next time I saw him I was going to give him a big old hug. He said he couldn’t wait. I don’t know how long that wait will be, but I do know that I will see him again and he’ll be there, ready to receive that big hug I’ve got saved for him. Until then, I will continue to miss and think of Tony every day. I will turn to this incredible family I've married into as we lean on one another for support and strength. I will try to find a way to get through the sadness and to live with a light that honors and celebrates my dear, beloved brother-in-law and his light that impacted us all.

non-cheesy slideshow songs

2012-11-29T11:04:00.000-08:00

Every year for Christmas I give my in-laws a picture slideshow of our year in review. The whole family is basically one big paparazzi team, so we always have plenty of pictures to share. As hard as it can be gathering the hundreds of photos from family activities throughout the year, the more difficult part is finding the perfect songs to play in the background. I don't want anything too cheesy and I really don't want 90's graduation songs, so I often find myself ready to tear my hair out after hours of song searching. However, by some Christmas miracle I always end up finding the greatest three or four songs to add to my slideshow for the year.

I've compiled a list of many of the songs I've used over the past five years' slideshows. These are great alternatives to the cliche sappy and dated songs we're all used to hearing or the overly lovey ones more fit for a wedding video. Give them a listen when you have a chance and prepare yourself for the sudden urge to create a picture slideshow for someone in your family.

COUNT ON ME / by Bruno Mars

IF THERE WAS NO YOU / by Brandi Carlile

YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME SMILE / by Kyle Andrews

FATHER + DAUGHTER / by Paul Simon

HOME / by Andrew Simple

WE GOT LOVE / by Ernie Halter

THREE LITTLE GIRLS / by JJ Cale and Eric Clapton

BETTER TOGETHER / by Jack Johson

THE BEST THING / by Jeremy Kay

YOU MAKE ME HAPPY / by Lindsey Ray

WE BELONG TOGETHER / by Randy Newman

YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND / by Queen

I'D RATHER BE WITH YOU / by Josh Radin

93 MILLION MILES / by Jason Mraz

my favorite bear

2012-10-30T11:10:00.000-07:00

When Hallie told me she wanted to be a bear for Halloween this year, my first thought was, "But bear costumes aren't cute!" Of course I didn't say this out loud. I nodded my head, smiled, and knew it was only a matter of time before she would change her mind. It was bound to happen, right? Wrong.

Instead of going the traditional route of a bulky, baggy bodysuit animal costume, I came up with something a little more comfortable and...let's be honest...a lot cuter. I wasn't sure what exactly Hallie had in mind when she imagined herself as a bear and was nervous about her reaction when she saw the finished product, but she loves it. Phew!

Of course there are always a few bumps in the road when it comes to anything dealing with Hallie. She was really upset about her hair - because bears don't have long hair and they don't wear pigtails or ponytails. She also refused to wear underwear with her costume because, hello mom, bears don't wear underwear! After a few discussions we agreed on a ponytail and underwear. Wonderful.

Though I wish I could take credit for coming up with the entire ensemble on my own, you know Pinterest had a hand in it all...

The ears were based off of this awesome tutorial.

The idea of a girly bear costume was based off of this panda costume.

The sweatshirt was purchased here and the quality and price are both super. I'm thinking about buying some more in other colors.

And that fur skirt? That idea was mine and I seriously want to make one for myself. Sooo soft!

I hope everyone has a happy and safe Halloween! And don't forget to sneak some of your kids' chocolate in my honor. You know you want to.

what i've learned from watching curious george

2012-10-16T11:05:00.001-07:00

I'm going to come right out and say that I let my daughter watch TV. Regularly. It saves my sanity on a daily basis. I have been known to put my foot down when it comes to certain shows though, like ones where the characters talk like babies, or if there are characters who bully, or shows that don't teach us anything by the time the end credits are rolling. And believe it or not, there are a lot of them out there.

One of Hallie's favorite shows is Curious George, which I love. The more I watch this show, the more mental notes I find myself taking. The parenting advice in that show is subtle and certainly unsolicited, but it is solid gold. I don't know how I feel comparing my three-year old daughter to a monkey (although most days she insists she is one), but there are noticeable similarities. I actually feel kind of foolish writing this, but here are a few lessons I've learned while observing interactions between The Man in the Yellow Hat and his lovable monkey, George.

1. Be Patient. Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that just because Hallie understands a lot of things, that doesn't mean she understands everything. It takes time for her to get from one activity to the next, from the front door to her car seat, from downstairs to upstairs, because there is so much to take in and figure out. George is the same way. There is always something to distract him, but TMITYH (you got that, right?) always shows patience and understanding as he waits...and waits...and waits.

2. Don't Raise Your Voice. George gets into trouble. It's what he does. He's a monkey living in a man's world. Unfortunately, our children are young, innocent, curious kids living in a fast-paced, high-stress world as well. So whenever I feel the urge to yell at Hallie for getting into the same kind of mischief that any other kid would get into I ask myself, "How would TMITYH handle this?" Seriously. Call me crazy, but I've seen enough episodes to know he wouldn't freak out. He'd be gentle and calm and he'd talk it through, which leads me to...

3. Take Advantage of Teachable Moments. When George does something wrong, TMITYH makes sure to explain why it was wrong and what can be done to make it right. He takes the things that George doesn't yet understand and turns them into teachable moments so that George will understand them. Does that mean he will do it perfect the next time? No, but the seed has been planted. And that's the least I can do with Hallie. I want her to know things and think about things and comprehend them. It might take a few tries, but it's also surprising what information a three-year old brain can absorb the first time around.

4. Let Them Make Mistakes. Sometimes when I watch this show I think, "None of this would have happened if TMITYH just kept an eye on George. At all times. He's a monkey for crying out loud!" But that's not how we live our lives, is it? There are days when we just have to let our children go about their own little world, which oftentimes lead to them learning a lesson the hard way. Spill your drink once or twice (or ten times) and hopefully you'll learn to be more attentive at the dinner table. (If my husband is reading this, he's sure to be laughing hysterically because, even at 28 years old, I still spill my drink at least once a week during dinner.) Nevertheless, the idea is the same. Let them fall, let them mess up, let them lose a game and it will teach them to be more brave, more careful, and more dedicated to make it right.

5. Anyone Can Be a Friend. I am always pleasantly surprised at how many friends George and TMITYH have wherever they go. Age, gender, ethnicity, or background don't matter: a friend is a friend is a friend. And within those friendships are endless opportunities to teach, learn, share, grow, and sometimes be downright silly. That kind of relationship is something I really want Hallie to experience in her life.

6. Explore the World Together. This one is my favorite. TMITYH and George split their time between the big city and the wide open country, but no matter where they are the find something new and exciting to do and learn. Always looking for a new adventure, George uses his curiosity and amazing monkey energy to go, go, go until he has explored a new part of his world and shared it with TMITYH, who is always, always excited to embrace it and experience those simple, joyful moments together.

So there you have it. Lessons learned from a monkey and a man who wears a whole lotta yellow. I guess this is what happens when you are a stay at home mom for this long...

tuesday

2012-10-02T10:24:00.002-07:00

Ever since Hallie started preschool, I feel like my week doesn't start until Tuesday. She's out the door, learning ABCs and 1,2,3's at a rapid pace, leaving me home alone to cram as many things into three hours as possible. I don't think I've ever crossed so many things off of my to-do list in so short a time. Tuesday is the new Monday.

The weekend was a great one. Had a few moments here and there that reminded me of how blessed I am to be a mom, a wife, a daughter, and a sister. I also got a text from one of my closest friends that brought tears to my eyes. A simple act of kindness, even when not intended to be anything big, can make quite the impact.

In other news, I am now a smart phone owner. Why buy the 5 when you can get the 4 for free? With that, I am also an Instagram-er. And I love it. Feel free to follow if you'd like - jordanlee22. Sharing pieces of my world through photos is surprisingly invigorating.

Happy ~~Monday~~ Tuesday.

the "next" button by google reader

2012-09-25T14:46:00.000-07:00

If you use Google Reader to keep up with the blogs you follow, I have a treat for you. Or...maybe I'm the last person on earth to learn this cool trick. We'll see.

Google has a "Next" button that you can add to your toolbar to navigate your unread blog posts instead of logging in to Reader and seeing them all in list form. I like the button much better because I don't feel like I have to catch up with every blog all at once. I click the button when I have a few extra seconds and I read whatever post it takes me to. Also, I get to see the blog, which is one thing that I've missed since using Reader.

To get the button, follow these three simple steps:

Step 1.
While logged in to Reader, click on your Settings icon in the upper right corner. Then click on Reader settings.

Step 2.
Click on the Goodies tab.

Step 3.
Scroll down a bit until you find the "Next" button. Drag and drop it onto your toolbar.

It will look like this:

And you're done. You can thank me later. Or tell me I'm a bit behind the times. Whatever.

loving lately / fall

2012-09-20T11:23:00.000-07:00

1. watching Felicity episodes on Netflix / combine one of my all-time favorite fictional characters and so much drama you can cut it with a knife and you've got an excellent show to watch as you unwind at the end of the day. Also, let the record show that I absolutely loved it when Felicity chopped off her hair.

2. jon mclaughlin / I've always been a fan but I especially love his latest album, Promises Promises. He sings his stories so well, I can't help but stop in my tracks to get a better listen.

3. Better Homes and Gardens wax scents / I might get a lot of heat for this, but I love these $2 bricks so much better than the Scentsy brand. They're cheaper, you can buy them at Walmart or online, and you aren't dealing with a consultant pressuring you into buying other products. Their selection isn't nearly as big, but their seasonal scents are delish and last just as long in the warmer. Our current fave is Spiced Pumpkin Pie.

4. crocheted scarves / the chunkier the better, right? 'Tis the season.

5. JCPenney / have you shopped here lately? I'd heard about their revamp earlier this year and finally walked through a store the other day. They have the cutest kid clothes at great prices. I'm urging Hallie to hit another growth spurt so I have an excuse to shop it up.

6. almonds / I'm trying to snack healthier and my new go-to mid-day boost is a mix of almonds and dried apricots. They taste yummy and I feel so happy putting them in my belly.

Your turn. What else is out there to love?

life at home

2012-09-18T13:56:00.001-07:00

I've been notified by a few readers that I need to blog more. Or at all.

Boxes are still being unpacked and I'm overwhelmed by the bare walls that are crying for some love and decor. Pinterest has become my best frenemy as I dream up a plan for all of this empty space...only to realize a shopping spree is necessary in order for it to become a reality. I do have a lot of picture frames, though. Is a gallery wall in every room too much? Probably.

The joyous fantasy of Hallie reuniting with her ridiculous amount of toys and stuffed animals played out even better than expected, as the glee and excitement still hasn't worn off two weeks later.

Perhaps my favorite part of this move is how seamlessly life has gone back to the way it once was. Preparing dinners and the family snuggles on the couch and the morning routine. It feels good and right and happy.

I was hoping life would slow down once we got into a house and started to feel at home. Suddenly I realize that at home is when life is craziest.

My goodness, I sure love crazy.

home

2012-08-23T10:13:00.000-07:00

After a ridiculous house hunt (for a rental, nonetheless) we finally have a place to almost call home. Next weekend cannot come soon enough. It has been seven months since I slept in my own bed, did my own meal planning and grocery shopping, and haven't lived out of a suitcase.

Our house in Texas was blue - a hideous, dirty, old blue. Hallie remembers that house well and talks about it almost every day. Seven months later she still misses the house and, probably more importantly, all of her stuff that filled it. I can't help but smile that our new house is a little bit blue too. A newer and brighter blue, representative of our new and brighter future as a family.

As hard as it has been living with family this year, I am glad we had the opportunity to stay with both my parents and Clay's parents. We owe them an unthinkable amount for taking us in. The experience was part fly-on-the-wall and part Family Relations 101. You learn a lot about the love of your life by watching them interact with their parents and siblings and vice-versa on a daily basis. I think Clay and I can appreciate each other's little quirks and habits ~~a little~~ a lot more now.

I imagine the day we move into our house will be like Christmas. Unpacking boxes and discovering things we forgot were ever a part of our past life. And, of course, we'll dig for treasures that we've been missing and dreaming of since January. (I'm talking about my box of shoes, those poor neglected beauties.) I can't wait for the cheers and excitement that are sure to come from Hallie as we open boxes of toys and stuffed animals and puzzles. She has been more than patient and has surprised us all with how well she has comprehended this stage in our life. A stage that is on its way out as we make room for the next big step - finally having our own home sweet home again.

my grandpa

2012-08-15T10:31:00.000-07:00

My grandpa passed away last week. It was sad and difficult and emotional and happened fast. I was able to share my favorite memories with him, laugh with him, and say goodbye to him before he passed. What a tender mercy that was and something I will always remember.

This picture was displayed at his funeral yesterday. Nobody in the family had ever seen it before, but it has become an instant favorite for anyone who knew my grandpa and how much he loved my grandma. I can't wait to get my hands on a copy and display it in my own home - a tribute to perhaps the sweetest and truest love, one that began over 60 years ago.

My grandpa was a tease and a joker, but he knew what to take seriously. He valued the littlest joys and showed kindness to everyone. He made whoever he was talking to feel important, remembered, and loved. He lived a simple life, but just one look at his smiling face would tell you that he knew he lived the best kind of life.

In the quiet moments since my grandpa's funeral I have reflected on what makes me happy and what I show the most appreciation for in this life. I want to live my life the way my grandpa lived his. I am so grateful that I had a close relationship with him and can always look to his example of compassion and love. He truly was an incredible man.

I love you, Grandpa Jenkins.

thoughts and plans

2012-07-26T11:55:00.000-07:00

[images of our summer - july 2012]

We are gearing up for our annual summer trip to Wyoming. It’s fair time, when the whole family (all seven kids + a couple spouses + kids) plan a visit to town and chaos always ensues. I just love fair week. There will be rides and funnel cakes and cowboys and game nights and a serious lack of sleep. This year we’re also crazy enough to cram in a family photo session. I’m lucky my in-laws are so rockin’.

Clay and I celebrated our 8th anniversary this week with a dinner date at one of our favorite restaurants. Then, of course, we hit up Maverick for some slurpees (coke flavor for him, cherry for her) and went for a drive. I love doing this with Clay. We have the best conversations while slurping our drinks and going wherever the steering wheel takes us. We have a fancier anniversary outing planned next month, after we recover from the fair week festivities.

I can’t help but smile everyday at where we’ve ended up after such a difficult year. The other night I had a hard time falling asleep, so I started counting all the ways I saw God’s hand in my life throughout the course of just one day. I listed one thing after another after another and I fell asleep before I got even close to running out of blessings. It gives me goose bumps, I tell ya!

Fair week also marks the beginning of the end of summer. It’s bittersweet, but a time I always look forward to. This year is no exception. So much has happened this summer and the craziness is far from over. We are still living with my parents but are hoping August will be the month we find a house. Hallie starts preschool in September. And, believe it or not, we are crossing our fingers that an actual family vacation will happen before long. This will be the first since Hallie was born and an event we have talked about and dreamed of for far too long.

Good stuff is happening around these parts. It’s a beautiful thing.

weekend snapshots

2012-07-16T08:44:00.001-07:00

currently

2012-07-02T05:00:00.000-07:00

eating. . .circus animal cookies. You know, the pink and white ones with sprinkles. A childhood favorite.

reading. . .this speech by Dallan R. Moody (it's incredible...and a tearjerker), my favorite blogs, and food magazines. I have got to find myself a new novel. Any suggestions?

watching. . .Burn Notice on Netflix. Scantily clad women aside, I totally love this show. Michael Weston is so the man.

listening to. . . the Summer Hits of the 2000's station on Pandora. Nelly, Jesse McCartney, Nsync, Usher - oh the memories!

dreaming of. . .finding the perfect rental house in the perfect neighborhood and finally getting our stuff out of our storage unit.

celebrating. . .a new job, birthdays, our wedding anniversary, Independence Day. June and July are cray-cray in this neck of the woods.

anticipating. . . a day at the waterpark with my sis and Hallie and her cousins. Look out, wave pool!

wearing. . . a graphic tee that says "Love Made Me Do It". Truthfully. This shirt will never be worn anywhere other than within the walls of my home.

loving. . .my summer tan, being permanently close to so many family members, brightly painted toenails poking out from strappy sandals.

not loving. . .having to reapply lotion to my arms and legs five times a day. This Idaho air is dry!

creating. . .lists. Grocery lists and project lists and lists for my other lists. It's organizing time.

appreciating. . .Hallie's newfound love for the movie The Emperor's New Groove. I don't know many things that are cuter than a three-year old who walks around the house saying, "Nooo touchy!"

learning. . .a whole lot about life and its truest and most genuine joys.

my story of faith

2012-06-28T14:48:00.001-07:00

I realize this a long post, but it is a story I want to share. Perhaps I will be the only one to benefit from it - to have this very abridged version of a very long and difficult journey written down for myself to look back on during other times of trial. I do, however, hope it serves a purpose beyond my own little world.

It started one late night in November as I was lying on Hallie's bedroom floor helping her fall asleep after a hard day. After what seemed like hours of stories and songs she finally drifted off, and in one quick moment I let my emotions take over. I quietly cried into the crook of my arm, hoping not to wake Hallie with my sobs. I was tired and discouraged and frustrated. As the tears rolled down my face I could only wonder what Clay and I were about to get ourselves into.

Three months earlier we decided that we needed to leave Texas. We had only lived there a short time, but after many tearful discussions and prayers we knew we couldn't stay. Clay needed a different job. We needed to be closer to our families. We desired a different life for us and a for our daughter. So Clay started looking for jobs in Utah and Idaho. He is a law school graduate and a licensed estate planning attorney, but we knew with the job market the way it is finding a position equal to Clay's experience and abilities would be tough. We agreed that an entry-level position somewhere, anywhere, would have to do - it would be our ticket home and would allow us to start over and work our way up from the bottom. It wasn't ideal, but we felt it was our best chance. However, by November, after months of searching, applying for jobs and phone interviews, we had nothing. Clay was getting rejection emails and phone calls on a daily basis. It hurt and we felt defeated.

So there I lay, on the cold, hard floor of my two-year old daughter's bedroom, wondering how we were going to make it. Hoping for a miracle that would get us where we so desperately wanted to be. In my weakest moment, I cried to the Lord in anger. "Why?" I asked. "Why won't anyone give Clay a chance?" I said it over and over, hoping for an answer. I will never forget that feeling of desperation and what happened next. I heard a voice softly say, "Because something better is coming." I didn't know who or what said it, but I knew it wasn't me or my own thought because I did not believe it. I truly didn't think that anything better was waiting for us. Not that night, at least.

After two more months of rejections, the lease was up on our rental home and we knew we had to leave with nothing. Clay quit his job, we said goodbye to close friends and terrific food and beautiful weather, we sold many of our belongings, then we came home to live with our parents - something I swore we'd never, ever do. Following through on the choice to leave our life and job and familiarity, regardless of how unhappy we were with them, was a scary one, but from the day we moved I knew I had to have faith that the words I heard in response to my prayer were true. Something better was coming. I didn't know when or where or how to find it, but I believed. We believed. And we took our leap of faith.

Every day for five months we wrestled with the decision we made. For 139 days we were either on the verge of tears or already there. We spent 139 mornings waking up feeling like we had no purpose, no hope and going to sleep for 139 nights feeling trapped and discouraged. Clay had over twenty interviews during that time. With each potential job we hung our every hope on it being the one he would get. And with every "thanks, but no thanks" or "you're not the right fit" or "we've gone in another direction", our hearts broke. They weren't even great jobs - just something that would help us get by. Clay fought for each job and put all he had into every interview process, only to be shot down so effortlessly, almost as if he were an afterthought. The tears flowed. The depression deepened. Then we'd force ourselves to pick up the pieces and start over. Every time I asked and wondered why were required to struggle so much, from the back of my mind I would hear the phrase, "because something better is coming."

There was one specific job that we wanted more than anything. It was in Salt Lake with a small investment company. Clay interviewed with them over the phone and in person, both with very positive responses. They really liked him and said a lot of things that had us thinking the job was ours. We started looking at houses in the area and dreamed up a life there for our little family before we even got an offer. We were sure it was coming and I was certain this was our path to something better. Then, after three weeks of waiting and dreaming and allowing the excitement to build until we were ready to burst, we were told they chose someone else. This may sound dramatic, but it was easily the hardest day in our eight years of marriage. To look at my husband, who has done everything he can to try to take care of his two girls, and so clearly see the fear and sadness in his eyes was more than I could bear. At that point we had nothing to hold on to. In one short minute we went from preparing and planning for this great offer to losing a life we didn't quite have but were so close to reaching. We spent the day wallowing in self-pity and spreading the bad news among our closest family and friends. We were angry and confused and felt cheated, but the following day we decided to remain faithful and hold our heads high. We went into survival mode and kicked our plans into high gear. We got in touch with any and every professional contact we had. Clay emailed his resume to over three dozen companies in the Salt Lake area, whether they were hiring or not. We pulled out all the stops. We realized we were going to be in this for the long haul and we were preparing for life to get harder, for the days to get worse.

Surprisingly, the Lord had something else in mind. Three days after our painful and unexpected rejection in Salt Lake, Clay was contacted by a company in Boise requesting an interview. Three days after the first interview they wanted to see him again. And five days after that he was offered a job. On June 20th, Clay accepted the job in Boise. Ironically, this was the only job since Clay first started looking almost a year ago that we didn't hope for. We thought it was too good. We didn't think he had a chance. We didn't dwell on it like all the others, we didn't pray as hard for it as all the others, we hardly even spoke about it with each other. It was almost too good to be true, so we didn't even consider it. Yet here we are. Clay started on Monday and every day we look at each other in disbelief that he is suddenly employed again. His new job is very hard work and will challenge him every day, but that's good. That's what he needs and what he has wanted but that every job before this had been lacking. And this job, the one that we absolutely didn't see coming, is better. It is better in every way than any other of the hundreds of jobs Clay applied for. A better fit, better location, better company, better career, better relationships, better opportunities. It is, without a doubt, our something better.

It will never cease to amaze me that the words I heard on a dark and lonely autumn night would not only prove to be true, but that they were powerful enough to help me get through the otherwise unbearable pain and discouragement I felt throughout this trial. Clay and I made a hard choice, one that few would make in these uncertain times and that many said we were crazy for making, but because we had faith and we believed those five simple words to be true, we knew our choice would not be in vain.

This is only a portion of the trials we have been facing as of late, but if I have learned anything from this experience it is that prayers are answered, that God does not leave us on our own, and that relying on faith - the belief that your unseen hopes and dreams will become a reality - can carry you through your hardship. I know that to be true and I believe that when we turn to God in our times of trouble instead of doubting him, he will always provide a way.

fashion formula / summer wear

2012-06-26T15:13:00.003-07:00

I have to confess that as much as I love summer I really dislike dressing for the season. I'd rather be poolside in a swimsuit for the three hottest months of the year than wearing any kind of "big girl clothes", as my daughter calls them. However, since we all have responsibilities other than sunbathing, I have created a fashion formula outfit that follows the rules while still allowing for a little summer fun.

Basic: These yellow shorts are surprisingly neutral in the world of colored bottoms. They keep everything looking simple and tidy, but they could also become an interest piece in a different outfit. Isn't versatility fabulous?

Interest: Chambray is everywhere this year. This shirt becomes the interest piece because of the texture it creates when layered over a white tank, along with the pockets and buttons. It is lightweight and would look super sexy with the arms rolled up to quarter-sleeve length.

Completer: I love that a simple skinny belt can play the role of completer and pull all the pieces together. In shorts or any other summer outfit, this fellah is the perfect completer piece - it doesn't add any bulk or warmth and it gives your casual shorts a look that's a bit more pulled together.

Accessories: Pairing a solid outfit with a patterned shoe and bag will help it to stand out. And a well-placed splash or two of color never hurt anyone. Ever.

This outfit is a great way to create a seasonal look that breaks away from the traditional t-shirt, shorts, and flip flops look. C'mon...we all do it. But it sure is fun to mix it up every once in a while.

birthday bliss

2012-06-25T05:00:00.000-07:00

I celebrated my birthday this weekend at Bear Lake. It was the perfect day for building sandcastles and playing frisbee and floating around and munching on beach food. For turning a year older I sure felt young playing in the sand and splashing around with some of my favorite people. Something about water and sunshine brings a big, fat, cheesy perma-smile to my face.

We received good, great, wonderful news last week. I will share as soon as I wrap my head around it all. I will say this for now - I think 28 is going to be a really terrific year.

faith and patience and thanks

2012-06-18T14:09:00.001-07:00

I was so touched by your kind comments and emails after my somewhat cryptic post about our current trial. It was a pleasant surprise to hear from many of you. I think we can all use words of support and encouragement no matter what we are facing in our lives. A day can quickly turn from bad to good with something as simple as a compliment, a friendly face, or a feeling that you are not alone.

In my quiet moments of reflection over the past few months I have relied on two specific talks that are full of the most uplifting words of guidance and comfort. The quote above (isn't it terrific?) comes from Mountains to Climb by Henry B. Eyring. The other talk is Continue in Patience by Dieter F. Uchtdorf. My favorite quote from that talk comes when he is explaining that God has a purpose in requiring us to wait for blessings that we may be asking for. He says: "Every one of us is called to wait in our own way. We wait for answers to prayers. We wait for things which at the time may appear so right and so good to us that we can't possibly imagine why Heavenly Father would delay the answer." I think about those words often, and I can't quite put my finger on why but they give me great comfort. I think there will come a point in my life when I can look back on this challenge and clearly see what happened and how my family changed during this period of waiting and wondering and struggling and enduring. I'm not sure when, but I do believe that time will come.

So I guess I just wanted to say thank you. Thanks for reading and commenting and understanding and striving to make it through your own personal trials along the way. We all have them. Thank you for helping me through mine and hopefully the words I share will help you through yours.

hallie's dad

2012-06-15T19:52:00.000-07:00

There is something to be said about a man who is wrapped around his little girl's finger. He is willing to sacrifice watching the end of the game to make sure she gets a kiss and hug goodnight. He is the first to pick her up and wipe her tears after a hard fall. He will encourage an impromptu princess-style dance party and, in the same afternoon, make sure she knows the right way to hold a golf club or kick a soccer ball. He can carry her cold and tired body for miles while ignoring his discomfort and shaky arms. He tells her she's beautiful, smart, sweet and kind. He treats her mother better than she probably deserves and never leaves a doubt in anyone's mind that his girls are his world.

Happy Father's Day to my favorite man. He teaches me more than I ever thought I could learn from one person. He is patient and hard working and generous and honest. I love that he is the father of my daughter and will always be the one she looks up to and turns to during hard times. He is the reason we are able to make it through each day.

quick tip / kid activity

2012-06-07T18:41:00.000-07:00

If you're looking for some fun and easy outdoor time with your kids, try a nature color hunt. I got the idea from I Am Momma last year and have kept it in the back of my mind waiting for the perfect time to use it.

This took about five minutes to set up - the only materials you need are cardstock, markers, and tape. Write the colors and draw the rectangles, let your kids color them in accordingly, then set off on a backyard adventure searching for the colors in nature.

Hallie loved this activity and wanted to go again and again all morning long. She loves flowers and plants and was a pro at spotting the colors on our list.

every little thing

2012-06-05T19:35:00.000-07:00

I have been off the blogging radar lately. I've come close to deleting this blog a couple of times, but right now I find that I need it - if for nobody else then for me. I need somewhere to focus my thoughts and emotions. I need a project. I need a distraction.

I am at a stage right now where I'm learning life lessons at a crazy rapid pace. Things don't work out as planned, some people say only what they know you want to hear, there is a fine line between preparing for a major life change and getting your hopes up too high, your heart can break a dozen times but will continue to beat, and the best thing you can do is take things one day at a time.

I know I am not alone in my trials. I am only one in a world of silent sufferers. Bad things happen to good people. But behind every bad thing happening are about a thousand tiny good things happening at the same time. I truly believe that. We just have to look for them.

I have a playlist of songs to listen to when I'm feeling down. They have positive messages about carrying on and keeping your head up and three little birds telling you that every little thing will be alright. And it will. I have to look a little harder than I'd like to in order to see the good things, but it keeps me from focusing on the tough stuff. I have to hold back tears...or at least try...so I can be strong for my family. I have to get on my knees and pray instead of get angry. And I have to believe that every little thing really is gonna be alright.

no other plans

2012-05-10T13:18:00.002-07:00

Ever heard of Jillian Edwards? My sister sent me this link a few days ago and I've had the song on replay non-stop. I think I found my summer tune for 2012.

loving lately / may

2012-05-07T13:21:00.003-07:00

Is it really seven days into May already? Thank goodness. This is when the year transitions from pretty good to fantastic, don't you think? On my list of things I'm loving this month...

1. Little & Ashley -- perfect for listening to in the car with the windows rolled down. Favorite track: Stole My Heart.

2. Hampton Forge Paring Knives -- I would love to prep for an almost-summer picnic using these cuties. Fruit salad, anyone?

3. Mint Nail Polish -- I especially love Wet 'N Wild's "Need A Refresh-mint". It's a great shade and you can't beat the $2 price tag.

4. Clif Kid Zbar -- I discovered these while house-sitting my for my brother. Don't forget to stash an extra in your purse for you!

5. The Avengers -- I cannot think of a better way to kick off the summer movie season. It. Was. Awesome.

6. Grandma's Secret Spot Remover -- Grass stains have got nothin' on Hallie's knees.

7. High-waist + Belted Maxi Skirts -- Tuck a cute t-shirt into a maxi and you've got the universal uniform for a stylish spring outfit.

my favorite place / swift creek

2012-04-30T11:56:00.002-07:00

There is a place tucked deep in the mountains of western Wyoming where the road twists and turns as you follow the rapid river of icy cold water. Greeted by singing birds, nervous chipmunks, and swarms of beautiful butterflies, you are quickly reminded that you are a guest in someone else's home. In an instant you have crossed over from a slow-paced, small town routine to an even simpler and calmer way of life. You can't resist inhaling the fresh mountain air over and over in a careful attempt to keep the memory of it with you long after you've left. The sun appears for a few seconds at a time to warm your face before gently slipping behind the towering mountains. When you are here you are encircled by genuine, unaltered beauty.

This place is not just trees and water and rocks and an old dirt road to me. We have a relationship. We have a history. It is where Clay and I have gone to celebrate accomplishments, to escape heart-wrenching disappointments, to reflect on life changes. It is where he taught me to fly-fish, where I abandoned my secret fears of trying something new, and where I finally fell in love with the great outdoors. It came as a shock to this self-proclaimed city girl to find myself enjoying time spent outside, completely surrounded by nature and its accompanying serenity. Before long I began to wish even more of my days there. And now I ache for the feeling I get when I am in those mountains.

I wish everyone could see the world the way I do as I journey through the canyon. Life is easy, problems melt away, and the things that matter most become strikingly clear. It is truly special and, though there are a thousand other places that might seem the same, there is nowhere else on earth quite like Swift Creek.

currently

2012-04-20T05:00:00.000-07:00

eating. . .chocolate chip cookie dough. I think a Reese's shake is up next. Seriously.

reading. . .a parenting book. And I don't usually do that kind of thing.

watching. . .Bones. I dig it.

listening to. . .April showers, wind in the trees, and Hallie's made-up songs.

dreaming of. . .new dinnerware. Random, I know, but my dream kitchen is somewhere off in the distance and I must be prepared. Bright and cheerful place mats are on the brain as well.

anticipating. . .a summer spent at the beach. Which beach, I have no clue. It might be a sandbox in the backyard for all I know. Regardless, I will be there sporting a vintage swimsuit and a straw fedora and slathered in SPF 20. For the love of sunshine and freckles, it just has to happen.

loving. . .Jason Mraz's new album. It might be my new favorite. Then again when is the latest Mraz ditty not my favorite, right?

creating. . .a high-waist + pleated red skirt. Well, sort of. The pattern and fabric have been purchased. I'll start it and finish it someday. And when I do it will be cuuuuute.

appreciating. . .family time and happy moments and a three-year old who still takes naps every day.

learning. . .that sculpted abs and a perfect figure aren't normal, that recipes accompanied by a pretty picture aren't always "amazing" or "unbelievable" or "the best thing ever", and that some people just have ridiculous taste when it comes to home decor. I love you, Pinterest, but sometimes you're a real pain in the butt.