the notorious JOE*

she's back

2009-07-05T16:32:00.002-04:00

you all know i love alexyss tylor, aka the "vagina power" lady

i love her because she is beyond ignorant, uneducated about most everything pertaining to reality, and has a filthy potty mouth about sex. granted, you need subtitles to understand what the fuck she is saying.

in this clip, i dunno what she is saying except that she is throwing around 2 black dildoes. that's all i need to see.

red, white and joe

2009-07-04T08:47:00.004-04:00

happy indie penis day! is it wrong that i wish we were still british?

by special request....your holiday party playlist. 36 songs to get your firecracker on!

here's how i roll: i go to my "recently played" playlist on itunes. then i pick every third song. that way its arbitrary and no one is subjected to too much of one thing. genius, right????

you have lots of new music - the gossip, the sounds, kasabian.....some of my current faves like midnight juggernauts and dragonette....then you have some WTF moments, like tammy wynette, deee-lite and pizzacato five. welcome to my life. it's my own piece of independence.

playlist below. to download em, click HERE

update: i am uploading as one file for lazy people (you know who you are) and because some of them are getting pulled down by the fuzz. if you want the one file, email my ass

fun with facebook

2009-07-03T23:15:00.002-04:00

every now and then, you come across people on facebook whose names make you pause. this was a good one. cher cher!

cher cher zbik.

assuming she leaves the maiden name off (ackerman), does she call people and say "hi, this is cher cher zbik calling"

and she wears a wig. a WIG! like the real cher (only one cher in her name though).

parental unity

2009-07-02T16:38:00.004-04:00

it's so great when two people get divorced but remain on healthy speaking terms for the sake of their children. demi & bruce...madonna & guy....

it even work's when they aren't really either person's children!

how else could you explain that michael jackson's ex-wife, debbie rowe, was planning to go on tour with MJ? check this out - here she is, seen playing guitar during his tour rehearsals! the kids (except blanket - he gots no mommy!) must be thrilled to see their (non)parents working harmoniously.

no words needed

2009-07-02T14:59:00.003-04:00

lionel richie did it. and now, shakira does it, too.

words are not needed when a singer puts out an album and titles it EXACTLY what i think of them. brilliant.

and i don't know who that really is. it certainly can't be the real shakira. it must be susan anton.

separated at birth

2009-07-01T01:18:00.002-04:00

chaz (minus the "tity" and the titties) "i want a penis" bono and john "i'm too fat to find mine" goodman.

name change

2009-06-30T19:22:00.001-04:00

from now on, i would like to clarify that my real name is PRINCE JOE II, but you can call my by my nickname, "duvet".

thanks

copout. but damn good

2009-06-30T18:58:00.002-04:00

i'm a bit busy at the moment, so i am taking the lame route to a blog post. tough shit. enjoy a video.

if you watch that piece of geniusness known as "the real housewhores of new jersey", you will LIVE for this.

it's fucking spot on. i will rip this off shortly.

separated at birth

2009-06-27T14:47:00.003-04:00

miss michael jackson and mister bea arthur

the brow, the lips, the hollow and long cheeks. love it.

of course, he was in his 40's here. she was in her 80's.

michael jackson, TV hair icon

2009-06-26T15:57:00.010-04:00

you already saw how michael jackson usurped the farrah fawcett hairdo.

but i have uncovered undeniable proof that michael jackson emulated the hairdos of television's leading ladies. check it:

there was the "rachel" from friends....

then the courteney cox hairdo....

and the "that girl" flip.....

the teri hatcher from "desperate housewives".....

morticia addams from "the addams family"....

and sabrina from "charlie's angels".

separated at death, part 2

2009-06-26T15:43:00.008-04:00

the nose always knows. the altered noses of michael and farrah.
which is which?

find out after the jump!

separated at death

2009-06-26T09:45:00.003-04:00

a first for me....separated at death!

michael jackson's feathered wig and farrah fawcett's legendary hair.

my theory

2009-06-25T18:19:00.002-04:00

i do NOT mean to slam the memory of michael jackson at all. if he is indeed dead. and if he is, rest in peace, feel better, you're free, thanks for the jams.

i was honestly never a fan, so if you are, do NOT take this the wrong way, but farrah fawcett deserves her own day of remembrance. he is stealing her thunder. i know that's wrong, but come on...it's farrah!

i do want to post my conspiracy theory ASAP...i smell a rat. hear me out, because given this family and this one in particular, it is possible.

when he announced those upcoming concerts. i said "never gonna happen". and then they said he only had to appear for 13 minutes and that he hadn't rehearsed at all. then they said "skin cancer"and it wasn't looking good for the concerts. bookies were taking bets on whether he would show or not. the nancy drew in me says someone was setting the stage.....

i know a thing or two about the music business. if an artist dies before a paid performance, their estate gets to keep the fee that was paid in advance. that's a fact. the promoter takes the loss and pays refunds to the ticket-buyers. as we all know, he was broke and owed millions. so, go with me here....suppose he "dies". the check still comes, the massive debts are paid off and that part of the story ends.

because he was notoriously private, i am gonna go out on a limb and say this whole thing is staged. he is on a plane to dubai or somewhere that there is a sheik or something arab in nature, where he will live in permanent seclusion in a gilded tent or something made of marble. no paparazzi, no bill collectors, nothing.......

you can tell me i am crazy. fine. but tell me isn't conceivable, considering who it is ......

ay dios mio

2009-06-25T08:32:00.004-04:00

below is my contribution to gay pride 2009. it does NOT get any gayer than this. makes me giddy like a fag with a bag of dicks.

charo, international coochie-coochie guitarist, flamenco dancer, love boat guest star lipsynching her rendition of "la isla bonita". the outfits...the dancers....the gay gay gay of it all.

i can only hope madonna gets a dollar every time we click on this.

she's back

2009-06-24T23:50:00.002-04:00

if you haven't recovered from seeing angela lansbury diddling her business in the bathtub from a few days ago, then this is not for you.

this clip is some badly edited and hastily arranged crap, but it does feature some more of miss nurder she wrote from the "geritol and genitals" video shoot she did circa 1986. consider it the extended remix.

i absolutely insist that you watch it, because SHE IS THRUSTING THE AIR, beginning around 1:19. and i must say, she has quite a mons pubis. but the ending....that's stellar.

the oscar race begins

2009-06-23T12:37:00.002-04:00

i have a feeling that chastity bono's sex change is wreaking havoc on poor cher. why else would she CLEARLY seek out a new daughter figure in her life? and in the form in christina aguilera, no less!

Cher joining Aguilera in 'Burlesque'

In what will be her first movie star role in a decade, Cher is set to join Christina Aguilera in "Burlesque," a contemporary musical for Screen Gems.
Steven Antin will direct from a script he wrote that was revised by Susannah Grant (Daily Variety, May 4).

Aguilera will play an ambitious small-town Iowa girl with a big voice who comes of age in a neo-burlesque club on Sunset Boulevard that's run by Tess (Cher), a former dancer who struggles to keep the club open and gives the young girl a chance to shine.

Cher will sing onscreen. While her voice has been heard in many films, "Burlesque" will mark the first time she'll be seen singing in a film she stars in.

if cher could custom-design the daughter of her dreams, of course she would be just like xtina: a singer with augmented boobs and drag queen makeup. this is JUST what cher needs....i'm ecstatic for her.

i would like to be the first to say the title should be changed to "SHOWGIRLS 2: PLASTIC BOOGALOO". but i don't care....this is a gay pride parade all it's own. i will be in the theater on day one.

multiple choice!

2009-06-23T09:18:00.005-04:00

david banda ciccone penn ritchie de malawi africa, and his mom, notorious singer / producer / actress / mogul / performer / model / stripper / director / author / fashion designer / legendary pop icon / world record holder / michiganian / kabbalist / video pioneer / feminist / sex symbol / provocateur / dancer / millionaire / creamy smooth madonna, as seen in heathrow airport this week.

based on this photo, fill in the blank:
"OH MY GOD! MOM! I CAN'T SEE! I'M BLINDED BECAUSE.......

"you're so goddamn milky white! oh my eyes!"
"i saw pubescent lourdes coming out of the shower. bleach for my brain!"
"there is still some dust in my eyes from the winds of my homeland. when will it stop?"
other (tell it in comments!)

the origin, revealed

2009-06-23T09:02:00.004-04:00

what was really happening when this picture was snapped of miss oprah winfrey and her non-lover gayle while they gay-cationed together in barcelona?

oprah: girl, is my weave secure? i put this sweatband on it to make sure, but i dunno.

gayle: girl, it looks good. you can't see any tracks.

oprah: girl, you sure? this wind is making me feel like i'm gonna lose a few. i'ma hold it to make sure.

gayle: girl, how is my wig? it's tight, but i just don't want it to slip back in front of the paps.

oprah: girl, you good. the color is a little kathie lee gifford, but otherwise it's fine.

gayle: girl, you think? i'ma darken it then. that's all you had to say.

oprah: girl, you know we can get some of that high quality human weave hair here. the spanish ladies have that great dark, thick hair. i'm a get me some.

gayle: girl, good idea. i always do what you think is best!

oprah: girl, i'm glad to hear it. don't make me do what i did to steadman to you. and girl, do something about your boobs. they look uneven. i pay good money for you to look better than that.

separated at birth

2009-06-22T13:39:00.001-04:00

let's play a game: which is susan boyle and which is jack black?

angela lansbury's camel toe!

2009-06-21T00:42:00.002-04:00

EWH SHE IS TALKING ABOUT SEX! EWHHHHH EWHHHHEWHHHH

the best part is when miss jessica fletcher shows us some camel toe at :07

murder, she wrote alright....this shit KILLED me!

spin control

2009-06-19T18:24:00.006-04:00

the last "spin control" was requested to become a regular feature....so i am happy to oblige.

i stumbled on this disaster in today's page six. this is the spun version.

what it REALLY said before the editor got a hold of it was this:

A PULLOUT by Beyoncé Knowles has a Manhattan clubowner threatening a million-dollar lawsuit.

The illiterate creole hick was slated to perform tomorrow at M2 -- the West 27th Street nightclub that used to be Crobar and Mansion -- as part of the launch of her "I Am . . .A Stupid Ass Farce" North American tour. M2 owner Joey Morrissey agreed to pay the singer all the KFC fried chicken she could eat, 14 heads of human hair for future weaves and a book on the basics of the English language as payment for the gig, he says.

But on Wednesday, Beyoncé's people suddenly pulled the plug on the performance, despite having signed a contract that had prompted Morrissey to spend $100,000 on side dishes like mac-n-cheese, potato salad and more, as well as the finest hair from the native women of some remote island in the Pacific, according to the clubowner. "They said that they were too busy trying to stuff Beyonce's ham hock legs into her House of Derriere clothing, and that she prefers Kennedy Fried Chicken" Morrissey tells Page Six.

i couldn't have scripted this

2009-06-19T18:13:00.004-04:00

oh that tori spelling! at least she is self-aware.

thanks for the tip, troy.

oh no she better don't!

2009-06-19T18:05:00.004-04:00

i was stumped for a post today, but then i discovered this glamourous image....and a photo is worth a thousand words. and a photoshopped photo is worth a helluva lot more!

there are 826 things wrong with this photo of beyonce. can you name them?

this is some matrix/lady gaga/mad max beyond thunderdome / tranny emergency. are those mini-baskketballs on her boobs? why are her abs leopard printed? and why are two crane birds coming out of her hoo-ha?

get your kicks on beast 66

2009-06-16T14:29:00.006-04:00

you know, i thought the number of the beast was 666. per the bible:

And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name. Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six (666).

apparently, it is not. it is really 66 (have the last 6 surgically removed when it starts to hang too low!), because that is the age that the beast truly is! the beast is 66!

today is joan van ark's 66th birthday. need i say more? below, L-R: joan as valene ewing, as an anorexic tori spelling doppelganger and her most recent role as the beast.

yes, i know the last one looks like a used and abused anus, after being passed around a frat table during hazing week. you know, nothing says "i am a sexy cougar" like burgundy eyebrows.

separated at birth

2009-06-15T16:19:00.003-04:00

on the left, prince, circa 2009. for real.
on the right, mister dorothy zbornak, circa 1986

on the left, a 50 year old man in a tunic and palazzo pants with high heels.
on the right, a 60 year old woman in a tunic and palazzo pants and wearing flats

the notorious J*O*E*

she's back

red, white and joe

fun with facebook

parental unity

no words needed

separated at birth

name change

copout. but damn good

separated at birth

michael jackson, TV hair icon

separated at death, part 2

separated at death

my theory

ay dios mio

she's back

the oscar race begins

multiple choice!

the origin, revealed

separated at birth

angela lansbury's camel toe!

spin control

i couldn't have scripted this

oh no she better don't!

get your kicks on beast 66

separated at birth

the notorious JOE*