Here then is ……………Captain Giovanni Cutugno.

Captain, very soon you will be the master of our flag ship. What a wonderful journey you must have been on to get this far…so, I wonder if you can tell us about your life at sea.

When I started working for Carnival Cruise Lines, it felt like I was in a magical world. Now, after all these years and being on the Carnival Magic, I feel even greater and magically attracted by a new building. For me, this will be the fourth time as Captain to command a new vessel. But every time, I feel like it is the first time and I love to do it because you always learn something new.

You and I have been friends for a long time and together we have seen many changes. Can you tell us what it was like to be a young deck officer and some of the duties and experiences you remember? And what new features will you have on your bridge on your Carnival Magic.

November 15th,1978, this is when I started to work for Carnival and the Festivale was on her second voyage; my rank was third mate and my experience was in cargo and tanker vessels. Therefore, it felt like a big wall to be climbing without any idea how to do it. In the beginning, honestly I found it quite difficult and complicated, however, because I was coming from a family of fishermen/seamen tradition, which means it was in my blood, I started this new experience with great enthusiasm. I always love my job and take it very seriously and professionally.

Going from the navigation bridge of the Mardi Gras/Carnivale/Festivale… this is really something magical. I had the opportunity to also work for a short time on the Carnival Dream which you think will be the same. Actually, it is not because the Magic presents various different nautical features and by only looking at how much bigger the lifeboats are, you realize it is completely different. On the navigation bridge we have some new technology and various layouts which all make something really magical.

Once again, congratulations on being chosen to be the master of your Carnival Magic. …so, a simple question…how do you feel?

Magically Great!!!…. Magically Proud!!!

From what you have seen about the ship, what are you most excited about?

The Carnival Magic is a great vessel and shows so many new features, from different and various restaurants to the brand new pub. The open decks have so many new features which you cannot believe until you see it with your own eyes.

Can you tell us what a captain’s involvement is during the ship’s construction?

This is quite complicated to answer with a few words; I could write a book about it. However, every day there is something where you not only have to get involved in it but also give your input to make sure that all will work as it is supposed to.

Now the ship will start her sea trials. Can you explain what this involves and what your involvement will be?

We just completed the first sea trial and the vessel now is in dry dock in Trieste. It is amazing and there are moments where you feel like you are not touching the ground anymore (if you understand what I mean???). I had the opportunity for the very first time to take the vessel and I already feel like, yes, this is my baby. During the sea trial, various tests are performed and some of them are extreme– tests that you will not see again because you cannot perform them once the ship is in service.

You will be sailing the ship into your home port of Messina. That must make you feel very proud.

To bring once again this beautiful and magical vessel to my own town is really a big honor and I am looking forward to the other ports as well because every other port of our future itinerary has a lot to be seen– from the history to the art, from the beauty to the attractions– it will be just unique. Yes, this is Magic!!!

One of the new features on your Carnival Magic will be the new Cucina del Capitano. Now if you were designing some recipes what would you feature? Tell us about your favorite foods.

From the aperitive to the antipasto, it will be exquisite and get ready for the main course. But if you think that’s it, don’t underestimate how delicious and important the dessert is!

You may ask me for some recipes? Yes, then my mind quickly goes to: antipasto…there are so many to choose from (from the sea to the mountains), spaghetti allo scoglio or risotto alla marinara (seafood), meat rolls with bread crumbs, swordfish rolls with bread crumbs, tiramisu. ( This can be just the beginning– ready for a new recipe every day on request???)

Now please choose people to share your Captain’s Table with..

Someone from the cruise industry

Micky Arison and his beautiful wife Madeleine

Someone to make you laugh

John Heald

Your favorite actress

Angelina Jolie

Your favorite actor and musical guest

Al Pacino and Jennifer Lopez

Thank you Captain and I will see you soon as I hope will many of the people reading your interview.

Before I go, here are the FunTimes for your Carnival Valor and your Carnival Glory.

Here is also the Assistant Cruise Director schedule:

Fantasy: Craig Johnson just got back from vacation on until 9/26
Ecstasy: Gary Linton until 6/2 then Laura Pipes until 11/28
Sensation: Shawn Hale until 3/17 then Gayve Kazak until 9/8
Fascination: Adam Cones until 8/6
Imagination: Marc Tavares just about to sign on
Inspiration: Nick Gardner until 8/8
Destiny: Brandon Kovshoff just signing on
Elation: David Tancock
Paradise: Amy Barton until 6/6
Triumph: Cory Rodgers until 9/5
Victory: Matt Mitcham until 8/7 then Lesley Gray
Spirit: Sam Trembely until 6/21 then Marcelo Alvarado
Pride: Jaime Deitsch until 4/10 then Peter Liebenberg
Legend: Louise Wilson until 6/5
Conquest: James Dune until 4/10 then Hennie
Glory: Sam Pile until 8/27
Miracle: Lesley Gray until 4/28 the Shawn Hale
Valor: Hennie until 3/20 then Jamie Pihan
Liberty: Kevin Darby
Freedom: Dan Govier until 8/21
Dream: Marcelo Alvarado

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

I saw a long line for one of those old fashioned red British phone boxes. Why, I thought, are people lining up to use a phone box? Everyone has a cell phone these days. And why is the Japanese woman who’s actually using it not using it at all? She was half in and half out, with two fingers in the air doing the Winston Churchill victory salute.

It was then that I realised that she was a tourist posing for a photograph in the only slice of olde worlde England she could find. And what’s more, all the people behind her were also tourists queuing to have their pictures taken with it as well. This made me quite sad.

How far have they travelled, I wondered? And how much have they spent on this journey to one of the greatest cities in the world? And this…… this urine stained red phone box is the only evidence that they were in London at all.

Heidi, Kye and I live about 60 miles from London and with me travelling so much we never seem to go. So yesterday I was drawn to the fact that London had really changed. The policemen have replaced their tit shaped helmets and cheery demeanour with body armour and machine guns, no one is allowed to feed the pigeons in Trafalgar Square and the absolute last language you will hear spoken in London……………….is English. Even my taxi driver had the letters “ski” at the end of his name.

I got the impression that if some banker-type bloke actually walked around Piccadilly Circus wearing a bowler hat swinging an umbrella he’d be mobbed by a mob of Japanese tourists armed to the teeth with Eyephones.

And sodding heck……….it’s bloody expensive as well. Heidi and Kye were with me yesterday and we went to Harrods to show Kye the huge and very impressive toy department at Harrods. Building up a thirst after telling Kye that she couldn’t have the £700 ($1100) rocking horse, we went to the tea room there. And I kid you not………tea for two and some cucumber sandwiches and some little cream cakes cost £39……….that’s $63. That is not a misprint. That’s $63 sodding dollars. I just served 200 bloggers…………….yes I did serve them………..tea time on the Carnival Glory and the cakes and sandwiches were better by far…………..and free. Harrods my arse. I didn’t leave the waiter a tip……………..I left him a cucumber sandwich.

London is now further away from its image than any other city in the world. The postcards still paint a picture of the day when Britannia ruled, but the reality is a city where tourists are greeted at reception by a Romanian and shown to their room by someone from Poland. I am not being racist here……….I realise that it might sound like I am and I promise I am not. It’s just that neither my taxi driver, my waiter, the train station announcer nor the people on the street had that Cockney accent that used to be what London was all about. You are more likely to hear ” ‘salam Aleikum ” than ” ello govner “.

Coming to London now is a bit like tuning in to an episode of The Antiques Road Show to find it’s being hosted by Richard Simmons……….in a pink thong. It’s not wrong…………..it’s just not what anyone is expecting.

Sill, we have the Royal Wedding to remind the rest of the world that nobody pomps and circumstances like us Brits. But that could be bollocks as well because I haven’t met anyone who is “counting down the days” to April 29.

The Government here have now said that everyone will have a day off work when Willy and Katie get married. Now they may have the notion that the streets will be lined with flag-waving people who want to wish the couple all the best in the hope that Will doesn’t sneak out of the royal bed at 2:00am to have rumpy pumpy with a woman who looks like a horse. They may be right, I am sure there will be many thousands lining the streets waving tiny British flags but I bet most of those will be tourists because everyone I have spoken to here intends to sleep in, go down the pub, get drunk and maybe watch the highlights on the news later that night.

Time for today’s Q and A……….here we go.

Charlene Perry Asked:

John. I demand a reply. Why is Carnival the only cruise ships that doesn’t allow someone under the age of 21 to be in a cabin with somebody who is 21 years old? You call yourselves the party boats but you don’t want party people on who will spend money. I am really mad cause my friends and I wanted to cruise but were told no and so now we are going to Cancume. instead. You lose.

John Says:
Hello Charlene Perry,

You ask a really good question and I can understand why you are so upset. The fact of the matter is that while I am sure you and your friends are upstanding and well behaved, I am sorry to report that this cannot be said for many young people your age. I have spent many years at sea before this rule was enforced and each year I dreaded spring break when groups of 20 year olds would be four to a cabin and would cause so much damage in and around the ship. I could tell you many stories of the things I saw and eventually Carnival realized what a detrimental effect this was having on the other guests. And so, the rule was changed where any groups of younger people who wanted to sail must have someone of 25 or older in the cabin unless they were married….and this has made a huge difference. I hope you have a wonderful spring break in Cancume.

Best wishes

John

Nadine V Asked:
Hi John! (PLEASE REPLY)

There is a Cruise Director we sailed with many years ago called Dave. He was British like you and used to say the word tinker a lot. He was very funny and we wondered if he was still with Carnival.

Hope to sail with you one day.

Thanks,

Nadine

John Says:
Hello Nadine V,

You are talking about the incomparable Dave Armor who sadly passed away 5 years or so ago. He really was as you said very funny and a true gentleman of the stage. We all miss him very much.

I hope we get the chance to sail together soon.

Best wishes,

John

Judi Mkam Asked:

Somehow I was dropped from the blog when you switched blog hosts, but alas, I have found you. Reading your posts helps me by, a) providing at least one chuckle a day which assists me with coping with my current plateful (you don’t want to go there, and b) helps increase my anticipation and excitement for our upcoming cruise on the Carnival Magic’s May 10th Mediterranean cruise. My husband and I have chosen to celebrate our 25th anniversary with you (our first Carnival cruise was 20+ years ago right after Hurricane Andrew decimated South Florida!) We’ve enjoyed cruises on almost every major cruise line but the itinerary for this trip fulfills a lifelong dream of mine. I booked this trip for us immediately after losing my dad this past July. Not only did I need something positive to look forward to, but I didn’t want to reach the age of 92, like my dad did, and still be saying maybe next year, as my dad had. So I have been spending much time researching the ports, the tours and getting info from both Trip Advisor and Cruise Critic. I’ve met friends to share our excursions with and am so looking forward to having you as our CD!! The only question left was whether to do the Steak House or the Chef’s Table? There are so few sea days that I figure that if we did both we’d lose an elegant night, and I do love them. So after weighing the pros and cons (could there really be any cons? Well maybe only that for the steak house one chooses the night and for the chef’s table we are assigned the night) I would like to splurge on the chef’s table. We will be in room 11231 and are hoping that you could arrange this special evening for us.

Thank you,

Judi & Mike Mkam
Bob Aulgur

John Says:
Hello Bob Aulgur,

Even though this was a Chef’s Table request, I wanted to post this because it was written with so much passion that I wanted everyone to read it. I am looking forward to meeting you on your Carnival Magic soon and because there is nobody on board until April, I can’t take any Chef’s Table bookings until April 10th when I will remind everyone who wants them to re-send them here on the blog. I am sorry to you and everyone else who has made them already but I will promise to honour them once you send them again next month. I will also be telling everyone when the elegant nights are, etc.

Thanks so much for the kind words about the blog thingy and if there is anything else I can do for you, please let me know.

Best wishes to you and the family.

John

Drychi Asked:

My wife and I just returned from our 1/1/11 cruise on Carnival Dream. I have posted a review of our experiences on Cruise Critic which should be published in the next few days. We had a wonderful time on the ship and found it to be in good condition. It was a nice start to our 20th anniversary year.
The reason I am writing to you is to thank you for the information you gave me about the thermal suite and the thalassotherapy pool. I followed it, got the weekly pass, and it added to my enjoyment of the cruise as I have some problems with arthritis in my joints.

I also wanted to commend several crew members to you by name and hope that you will pass my comments on to the appropriate persons on the Dream. We were seated in the Scarlett Dining Room – Table 505- Early Seating. Our waiter: I Nyoman and Asst. Waiter Chayaya were friendly, efficient, and worked very hard to give us a pleasant dining experience. They handled any of our requests quickly and efficiently with a “can do” attitude which was impressive and a credit to their ship. I would also like to commend Areeya, our bar steward, for her prompt and courteous service throughout the voyage. She always had my diet coke waiting at the beginning of the meal and always checked again to re-fill it as needed without being asked. I would also like to commend the Behind the Fun Tour host Melito, just call me Mel. He was a trainer who had just been on the Dream a short time, but he was very informative and conducted our tour with grace and humor. Despite his relative short time on the Dream, you could tell by the way the crew treated him on the tour that he had made friends quickly.

The Behind the Fun Tour is a wonderful tour. It really brings home to you the many people on board who work very hard to create the Dream experience for those passengers on the upper decks. They were all friendly and genuinely seemed proud to see us in their workspaces and living quarters taking an interest in their activities. We applauded them at every stop and told them how much we appreciated their hard work on our behalf. I wish I could commend them all by name as I did with the above employees I saw every day. I hope this program is expanded to as many people as possible; it is a very interesting and valuable experience for those who love ships, the sea, and cruising. I suggested to “Mel” that participation in this program should be a part of the revamped loyalty rewards for frequent Carnival cruisers.

Sorry for the length of these comments, hope you will continue to produce your great blog for many more years and will give these employee comments to the proper persons.

Bob and Linda Aulgur

John Says:
Hello Bob and Linda Aulgur,

And thanks again for this great review of your Carnival Dream cruise. I have made sure that everyone you wrote about has received a copy of this so that they can see your words of praise, I know they will be thrilled. The Behind the Fun tour is a huge highlight for many and your review will I am sure persuade many to take it.

Thanks again for taking the time to write and I will see you on your Carnival Magic.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Hank Suster Asked:
Reply John,

I don’t know how you find the time, John, I really don’t. How do you manage to spout off so much garbage on a daily basis? Your parents must be so proud!!! Looks like your smoking debate will be re-opened after P&O’s decision to make three of their ships smoke free in all inside areas. Carnival and you must know that smokers bring death upon themselves and others and have no more right to be on a cruise ship then a pack of rats and as a cigar lover yourself you then are the leader of the rats. You should be ashamed

John Says:
Hello Hank Suster,

I was not aware of P & O’s new smoking rules, so thanks for telling me about them. The smoking rules that Carnival has at the moment are designed to try and accommodate both smokers and non-smokers but I realise it remains a controversial subject.

By the way………..it’s a horde………..not a pack…………..of rats.

Best wishes,

John

Jackie H Asked:
John, (Please reply….Time Sensitive)

I need an immediate reply as I am sailing on March 13th on Splendor. I want to get a table for 4 not with other passengers. We are in cabin 1377 and 1391. The waiter MUST speak Spanish as my parents speak no English so we will have to have a server who speaks Spanish. This did not happen on the Paradise and it was very upsetting. Can you e-mail me with confirmation as soon as you get this.

John Says:
Hello Jackie H,

I am sorry for the delay in replying to this but I am way behind in my replies. I have asked the ship for help and they will do their best to give you a table for 4 and provide you with a Spanish speaking waiter. Io wisho youo ando youro parentso a bueno cruiseo.

Besto Wisheso,

John

PS – How do you say “please” in Spanish………..I can’t remember?

Juju75 Asked:
Hi John!

This is a random message. I am looking into booking a cruise for the first time. It is my husband and my 15yr anniversary and our daughter’s 13th birthday. I saw your blog tab and noticed your last name. My maiden name is Heald. Just find it ironic. Wonder if our bloodline is connected somewhere??

John Says:
Hello Juju75,

Indeed it would be ironic. Our name is not very common and I have only ever met one Heald passenger who cruised with me on their Carnival Dream. It would be great to trace our family history and see if we are related. Are you rich? If you are, then I am your cousin……………hello.

I hope you booked that cruise and hope we get to meet one day soon.

Best wishes,

John

Sue Alaimo Asked:
Please Reply John,

I woke up in the middle of the night with a brilliant idea….
Wouldn’t it be great if Carnival coordinated the repositioning cruises in 2012 so that the different cruises could go B2B.

For example: Carnival Breeze does the TA crossing to Florida (that’s the first leg). Once the Breeze arrives in the USA , the ship going to replace the Spirit in CA (the Breeze or another ship) leaves FL and heads to Calif. (either through the Panama Canal or around South America). This is the second leg. Once that ship arrives in Calif, then the Carnival Spirit leaves for Australia (the third leg). And then there’s another cruise to Australia (to see the area). Most people would book only 1 leg, but I think a lot of cruisers would be interested in booking 2 or more legs. Maybe they could promote it as a “Two Ocean Crossing Cruise” (or something like that) and offer some type of discount for booking multiple legs.

That would be a cruise of a lifetime!!!

We have talked about doing something like this in 10 years or so, but if Carnival does this in 2012, we are all over it! (We’d rather do it on the Carnival ships.)
Please pass this idea on to the beards.

Thanks.

John Says:
Hello Sue Alaimo,

Wow, usually when I wake up in the middle of the night it’s because the smell from my own bottom has woken me or Heidi has pulled all the covers off me. You wake up with thoughts of Carnival cruises and this great idea. It certainly would be a wonderful cruise and I have sent this to the beards. Who knows…………….one day this dream may become reality.

Thanks for taking the time to write and anytime you wake up with another thought like this, please let me know.

Best wishes,

John

Cindy B Asked:
Hi John,

I love your blog and all you do for everyone. Even though I have been reading the blog for years, this is my first experience with asking a question or favor. My entire family sailed with you on Our Carnival Dream 3/6/10 and you and Stinky Creek were too much fun!! My husband and I are booked for our 8th (Spirit 4/1/11) & 9th (Valor 5/29/11) Carnival cruise. I have a special favor to ask. We are going with my sister and brother-in-law on the Sprit (4/1/11) to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. We celebrated their 40th anniversary on the Carnival Victory in 2011. I am hoping that you will be able to have something special set-up for them (a little gift or something) to help them celebrate. They will be in stateroom 7182. Thank you in advance and Happy Carnival Sailing To All.

John Says:
Hello Cindy B,

Yes, of course, it would be my pleasure to help celebrate that wonderful celebration. I will need their name of cabin number so maybe as it’s close to sailing, if you could post that information either here marked TIME SENSITIVE or on Facebook.

Stinking Creek will remain one of my most favourite cruises………ever.

Thanks for all the kind words.

Best wishes,

John

Tami Stillson Asked:
John please reply

Can you tell me how many female Cruise Directors you have as it seems Carnival is biased towards hiring only male ones?

John Says:
Hello Tami Stillson,

Good question. Currently we have: Jen Baxter, Risa Barnes and Stephanie Meads. Tori is retiring very soon. So while we are not biased in any way, I promise, there are definitely more men than women Cruise Directors. I wonder if this is the same statistic across the industry? This may change soon at Carnival, though, as we have some brilliant young ladies working with us who one day I am sure will be great CD’s. Are you interested in the position, Tami?

Best wishes,

John

That’s all for today and I will be back with more here on the blog thingy tomorrow and on Facebook later today.

Just before we talk about your Carnival Magic, let’s do the news and we start with putting to bed a rumour that three people have asked me about today on Facebook and here on the blog. It all has to do with Pizza and this link thingy they sent me.

And so I thought I had better reply now rather than have to do so multiple times in the days ahead; so here is the official answer from a senior beard……..she said:

“There was a special arrangement made for a recent music-themed full ship charter for cabin pizza delivery for a $4 charge. This was done by special request specifically for this charter and is not something we are planning to implement on our regular cruises.”

There you go………..but the person who posted that rumor does ask a good question………….would you pay? And we could do a great job delivering it………..we already have the uniform……………..the Entertainment Staff uniform is rather Dominoes……….isn’t it?

Now let’s talk about fuel surcharges as that is another question I am currently being asked a heck of a lot here and on Facebook. There is no doubt that the current situation in Libya is dreadful and Colonel Sheen………I mean Colonel Gaddafi is stark raving bonkers. This morning I saw a news story on the BBC about alleged war crimes committed in a small town outside of the capital, Tripoli. This is the heart of the story but obviously it’s the oil price that has everyone worried. Please, though, don’t let me hear any moans about petrol prices………here in the UK it costs $8 per gallon. Anyway, to answer everyone’s question………..I am not aware of any immediate plans to bring back the fuel surcharge and I hope that this remains the case. However, it looks like things over in the Middle East are going to get worse………..before they get better.

Now Mazatlan is another question that I have been answering a lot about on Facebook. And so as we continue to look carefully at this situation we have for the meantime cancelled the call for the next cruises for the Carnival Spirit. Here then are the new itineraries.

REVISED SAILING 3/11/11 – Carnival Spirit

• 3/11/11 Fri SPIRIT SAN DIEGO, CA 8:00 AM 4:00 PM
• 3/12/11 Sat SPIRIT “FUN DAY” AT SEA At Sea At Sea
• 3/13/11 Sun SPIRIT “FUN DAY” AT SEA At Sea At Sea
• 3/14/11 Mon SPIRIT MANZANILLO, MEXICO 8:00 AM 6:00 PM
• 3/15/11 Tue SPIRIT PUERTO VALLARTA, MEXICO 7:00 AM 4:30 PM
• 3/16/11 Wed SPIRIT CABO SAN LUCAS, MEXICO 9:00 AM 6:00 PM
• 3/17/11 Thu SPIRIT LA PAZ, MEXICO 8:00 AM 5:00 PM
• 3/18/11 Fri SPIRIT CABO SAN LUCAS, MEXICO 7:00 AM 3:00 PM
• 3/19/11 Sat SPIRIT “FUN DAY” AT SEA At Sea At Sea
• 3/20/11 Sun SPIRIT SAN DIEGO, CA 8:00 AM 4:00 PM
• REVISED SAILING 3/20/11 – Carnival Spirit
• Date Day Ship Port – City(Port), Nation Arrive Depart
• 3/20/11 Sun SPIRIT SAN DIEGO, CA 8:00 AM 4:00 PM
• 3/21/11 Mon SPIRIT “FUN DAY” AT SEA At Sea At Sea
• 3/22/11 Tue SPIRIT CABO SAN LUCAS, MEXICO 8:00 AM 5:00 PM
• 3/23/11 Wed SPIRIT CABO SAN LUCAS, MEXICO 8:00 AM 5:00 PM
• 3/24/11 Thu SPIRIT LA PAZ, MEXICO 8:00 AM 5:00 PM
• 3/25/11 Fri SPIRIT “FUN DAY” AT SEA At Sea At Sea
• 3/26/11 Sat SPIRIT “FUN DAY” AT SEA At Sea At Sea
• 3/27/11 Sun SPIRIT SAN DIEGO, CA 8:00 AM 4:00 PM

The Carnival Splendor has also canceled the call at Mazatlan and they now have two days in Cabo San Lucas instead. Let’s see what the future holds for Mazatlan and Mexico in general and I will keep you informed as best I can.

So all looks good for the grand unveiling of our new blog format on Monday and I am very excited about that for sure.

Let’s talk about your Carnival Magic which is currently undergoing her sea trials in Italy and the Master of our flagship sent me a brief e mail. Here it is:

Ciao John,

I am sorry if I could not send this before but we have been very busy with the first and very successful sea trial.

Here attached please find some pictures taken while the baby is in the dry dock in Trieste and one picture which is very unique, with Captain Chiarella.

Hope to see you soon; we will go back to the sea for the 2nd and final sea trial on March 17th to 20th.

See you soon, and very best regards to your bloggers.

Giovanni Cutugno

Thanks, Captain, for the update and I can’t wait to join you. Now, let’s see the photographs he was talking about. Here they are:

The last one of all the officers in white uniform has Captain Cutugno as a young officer. He is on the end of the front row on the left-hand side. He hasn’t changed a bit. I will be posting a full interview with the Captain very soon.

I was talking about London at the start of today’s blog and you won’t believe what one of the trends here is now………………are you ready for this………..it surely has to come from the States…………….yep………………it’s ice cream made from breast milk……………..human breast milk.

Why would anyone want to lick a cone full of milk that some woman has squeezed out of her knockers like squeezing water out of a pair of old socks. Why would anyone say…..”No……….I won’t have the Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey…….give me two scoops of Bev and Jenny’s Raspberry Nipple, please.”

Then again……….Megan Fox…………….mmmm………..if she decided to give her milk, then I would be up for that. As long as I can drink straight from the bottle!

See you over on Facebook.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

There are other things that stretch time too. Debarkation in Long Beach. Being stuck in traffic on the freeway. Sitting on the toilet after eating a huge chicken curry. Waiting for this sodding computer to start in the morning. Waiting for my wife to find something in her handbag. Waiting for security staff who has had to hold up the rest of the guests while they deal with Mr. and Mrs. Smuggler who have a bottle of rum shoved down their underpants. Trying on a pair of jeans in the cubicle of the Rochester Big and Tall shop in Miami in a room that is neither big nor tall.

And worst of all: writing a thank-you letter. I wrote one last weekend and it took exactly 14 million years. And worst of all sitting here, at my slow starting computer, in my underpants, trying to come up with a thank you blog to all the incredible bloggers who sailed with me last week………but nothing I seem to write seems to do them justice.

Thank you letters have always been a massive pain to write. I remember when I was little, my birthdays were always ruined because instead of being able to go ride my new bike or shoot my sister Suedrip in the head with my new bow and arrow, I’d be forced by my parents to sit down and thank my aunts and uncles for their gifts. How though, when you are eight, can you say thanks to Aunty Maureen and Uncle Les who have just bought you a new ruler and pencil set for school instead of the GI Joe Machine Gun you had asked them for.

Dear Aunty and Uncle Bastard,

While your present was totally crap, I did receive a bow and arrow which I will enjoy introducing your arses too when I see you next.

Love,

Your Nephew John

I have similar problems now I am old and grey. E-mail has given us a way to not have to put pen to paper to express our thanks for something but we are still expected to have to write one. For example, we have two friends here in Essex who invite us to dinner and although they are great friends I would rather eat the back end of a yak then what they put on the dinner table.

Heidi once entrusted me to write the thank you e-mail but it was a one and only time because I wrote “Thanks for a great evening and the wonderful meal which has allowed me some great time alone to sit and read on the toilet.” By the way, have you actually tried sitting down and writing a letter recently? I did, last week on the Carnival Glory. I decided that I would write a hand written letter to Mr. and Mrs. Kilmartin who wrote me a beautiful letter on their platinum note paper that deserved a similar reply. But I couldn’t……..because it appears I have lost the use of my right hand.

You see I don’t write anything anymore. I type blogs and Facebooks and schedules and Fun Times. I tried writing them a letter, I really did, but I had gotten as far as Dear Mr and Mrs Kil ………when I became exhausted and had to have a lie down. They never got their letter and three days later my arm feels as stiff as Tiger Wood’s thingy.

And there’s another thing…….since blogging and Facebooking has taken over my life….. my hand writing is worse than a drunk chimpanzee’s. I may even sell myself to the CIA because I could write down all the secret information, absolutely safe in the knowledge that if my letter is intercepted by the bad guys, no bugger will have a sodding clue what it says.

So letter writing and in particular “thank you” letter writing is left to Heidi who and if you will excuse my French ……..lives for this sh*t. If someone says “hello” to her in the street, she will send a thank you card. If we go out with friends she will send a thank you card, even if the food tasted like a baboon’s pancreas. And if they are in her list of best friends, she will not only send a thank you card but a thank you gift as well. Usually it’s soap…..which I don’t understand because I think it sends out the wrong message and that she may as well send over a can of deodorant with a note saying….”Use this, you smelly bastard.”

Still, If she is allowed to send a thank you for a lovely time card with a bar of Dove soap shoved in the envelope, then I should be allowed to send things to people who I haven’t enjoyed spending time with as payback. Stuff that really says “I had the worst time, I don’t like you, please never ever invite me again.” Things that shout “I hate you” like some IKEA flat pack furniture, a pair of my underpants……..in a frame. Or a cruise for two on the Norwegian Epic.

Anyway, I will find the right words to say thank you but first it’s time for some Q and A.

G.R from N.Y. Asked:

You have been talking a lot about smoking on your blog today and I want to point out something that as a smoker I found to be humiliating. Let me start by saying that I am a past Carnival passenger with my recent Miracle cruise being my third. I like the food and the service and always respect the rules when it comes to lighting up on the ship. But this notice on your cabin TV made my blood boil. It said SMOKING AREAS ONBOPARD. CHECK YOUR DAILY FUNTIMES FOR WHERE YOU CAN SMOKE. SMOKING CAUSES CANCER BETTER NOT TO SMOKE. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw this. Is Carnival now part of the anti smoking establishment. If I go to Royal Caribbean’s boats will I be told I might get cancer during my vacation? As you can see, this has really made me mad and that’s why I have written to you as brand ambassador.

Thank you
G.R.

John Says:
Hello G.R. from N.Y.,

Well, let’s start with an apology first of all to you and all the other people I will be answering today for the delay in doing so. I also need to apologise for doubting you……….because that’s exactly what I did when I read this. “Yep………..bollocks, this is not true.” I did some checking, though, and have been told that it was not a company-authorised sign and was taped to the in-cabin TV by a crew member on one ship without authorisation. The sign has since been removed and the crew member had been reminded never to post such a sign again. While we have smoking rules onboard, it is not our place to lend advice to if or not they should smoke. So please accept my sincere apologies and my thanks to you both for letting me know about this.

Best wishes

John.

STILLMissingthesmokefreeparadise Asked:
JOHN – PLEASE REPLY

If Cruise Critic says it, it must be gospel. No lobster, eliminating turndown service, towel animals running loose around the ship, will it ever stop? I honestly find your ability to take all this absurd bovine defecation as calmly as you do astounding. You are, without a doubt, one individual who can take a punch and turn the other cheek. So, please do not eliminate your toilet humour (spelt incorrectly) or your beautiful je ne c’est quoi (pardon the French reference) that makes you the wonderful individual that you are. Your blog is a unique view into the world at large and the cruising industry in particular. You are a credit to this world. Continue their good work.

Your friend and comrade at sea,

JustJon (who STILLmissesthesmokefreeparadise)

John Says:
Hello STILLMissingthesmokefreeparadise,

It is a shame that one or two do tend to write things just to look like they are “in the know” when they are in fact to cruising what Charlie Sheen is to mental stability. Thanks for the kind words mate. We missed you at the bloggers cruise and hopefully we will get to see you next time.

Best wishes to you and MrsMissingthesmokefreeparadise.

John

Janet S Asked:

One reason that we avoid Carnival is the annoying overhead announcements. And it’s one reason that we enjoy Celebrity. When we docked at the port the Cruise Director would announce when we had been clear to get off the ship and what time we needed to be back which was what was needed. I am though forced to cruise with you for our class of 71 high school reunion group on the Freedom and need assurances that I won’t be disturbed by constant PA announcements pimping bingo and drink specials like the last time. I will be on the ship on March 12 so can you advise the ship not to make announcements.

John says:
Hello Janet S,

I have never considered myself to be a pimp but if that is the case I think I need to go and get a long purple coat and silver cane. I am sure that the announcements won’t disturb you Janet and I hope you and your high school friends have a wonderful time.

Best wishes,

John the Pimp

Nitalutjens Asked:
John, (Please answer when you get the time)

We are thinking about booking cruise on the Magic the week of Dec. 4, 2011. My birthday falls during this week and my fiance’ thought it would be a great gift. Of this, I do agree. One thing I would like to know is if the ship will be decorated for Christmas at this time or will it be too soon after Thanksgiving for this? We so enjoyed our FIRST CRUISE aboard the Carnival Conquest in Oct. 2010. I was ALOT nervous after getting on board but once things started, I was much impressed. I could not have asked for a better vacation as it had been years that either one of us had gotten away. I will continue to tell family and friends that they should plan a vacation around a CARNIVAL CRUISE. Glad that you are feeling better and send my best regards to Heidi and Kye as I know she was the best nurse ever!

Thank you,

Nita

John Says:
Hello Nitalutjens,

I do hope you book the cruise on your Carnival Magic. I can’t wait to show you our new ship and yes, she will be decorated that day in fact for Christmas. We can’t do it before as she will have just returned from her trans Atlantic voyage. I hope I get to see you onboard Nita and if you have any other questions please let me know.

Best wishes,

John

Simone Hart Asked:
Please respond.

My daughter auditioned for Britney Spears” in the Legends show but was not chosen. Not only was she clearly the best singer but the person who was chosen was a big fat girl and looked nothing like Britney. My daughter was so upset about this and has says she will never cruise with your company again. Tania will be auditioning for this coming season of American Idol and when you see her in the final Carnival is going to look so stupid. The people in your shows should be chosen for who has the best voice and looks the part and not by a bunch of drunk passengers.

Simone

John Says:
Hello Simone,

I have to start by saying that I think that it is somewhat cruel to say that someone does not deserve to be in the Carnival Legends show based on their size. Anyway, let me say how sorry I was to read that your daughter was so upset, please let her know that I apologise that this happened. Our shows are all about fun and we ask the audience to decide who will be best for each spot and while drinks are served, to suggest that the audience were all drunk is, respectfully ……..wrong. Anyway, I wish your daughter Tania all the best in her audition on American Idol and I hope that we do see her in the final.

Best wishes,

John

CRUISE CRITIC MEMBER Chief8 Asked:
John — Need a reply and answer to this!!!!!!!

My first cruise on Carnival for some years was overall OK and the food has certainly gotten better than my last visit on the Destiny in 1997. But I have A MAJOR COMPLAINT. The cabin next to us had 2 kids the oldest was about 10 years old and the youngest looked to be about 7. They had 2 cabins and left the kids by their selves in one and the parents stayed in a cabin about 6 doors door the hall. The parents would go to the shows and drink all night and leave these kids by themselves unsupervised from after dinner until after 2 am. Any other cruise line would have done something because the noise they made was disgusting and they had the TV on so loud I had to bang on their door every night to tell them to SHUT UP and go to bed. I have written to Carnival but so far have gotten no answer. I deserve compensation for this!!!

John Says:
Hello Cruise Critic Member Chief8,

Well the positive from all of this is the fact that you feel the food has improved since your last cruise. This is great to hear. I am so sorry that these children disturbed your rest. I didn’t see in your posting that you called the guest services desk or security to tell them what was happening. Did you do this? It certainly is not and should not be your responsibility to have to bang on the door. It is hard for us to control the actions of parents, though, and I must admit that it seems unfair to leave children on their own. So, I will certainly ask someone to contact you.

Best Wishes,

John

Pinkbarbie Asked:
Dear John, please reply when you have time (no hurry)

I hope all is going well since I last saw you on the Carnival Conquest. I hope your daughter likes her cowgirl hat with the tiara we gave you. My husband still says you’re the best CD we’ve had on all of our Carnival trips. I am writing because I have a fairly simple question that you may be able to answer because my PVP was unsure. I am coordinating a group of ladies and girls to go on the Nov 6 sailing on the Carnival Conquest. We will be celebrating my mother’s retirement from many years of teaching. Since this will only be a six day sailing instead of a seven day, will there still be two elegant nights, or just one? We want to be prepared. Thanks and can’t wait till I get a chance to sail with you again

Christy Richardson

John Says:
Hello Pinkbarbie,

Like it…………she loves it and thanks once again for your wonderful kindness. There will be one elegant night on your cruise as below

Sunday, Nov 06- Galveston, TX 4 pm
Monday, Nov 07 – Fun Day at Sea – ELEGANT NIGHT
Tuesday, Nov 08 – Fun Day at Sea
Wednesday, Nov 09 – Grand Cayman 7 am 4 pm
Thursday, Nov 10 – Cozumel 10 am – 6 pm
Friday, Nov 11 – Fun Day at Sea
Saturday, Nov 12 – Galveston, TX

I am sure you and the ladies will have a great time and if you have time to drop me a note on my Facebook page a week before you sail so I can return the kindness you showed Kye that would be great. My best wishes to you and your husband.

John

The Plastows Asked:
JOHN!!!! PLEASE REPLY!!!

My DH and I are going to celebrate our 25th anniversary on the Conquest. We have been looking forward to what will be our 5th cruise but we are both very concerned because of what we have read on cruise critic. Here is what I am talking about

http://www.cruisecritic.com/memberreviews/memberreview.cfm?EntryID=75436

http://www.cruisecritic.com/memberreviews/memberreview.cfm?EntryID=74343

We also read on your blog and on cruise critic comments that the Texan passengers were rude and obnoxious. So you can see that we are concerned and so I need you to our minds at rest. Have we made a big mistake?

John Says:
Hello The Plastows,

No! Absolutely not. While I respect the fact that everyone has an opinion, that is exactly what they are, opinions. I have to admit that I didn’t open the links you sent me, I didn’t see the point.

What I can do though is tell you that if I was to have the time to search Cruise Critic I would find 10 positive reviews of the Carnival Conquest for every one negative……..at least. I was there last year and had a fantastic time and as well as my personal recommendation let me also tell you that in our guest review rating system Carnival Conquest is right up there in terms of favourable comments from guests. I have no fear in promising you that you and your DH will have a wonderful cruise and a wonderful anniversary.

Best wishes,

John

Larry and Angie Asked:
John ~

Will there be a repositioning / transatlantic cruise offered from the West Coast to Sydney in 2012 on the Spirit? Would love the opportunity to experience that vacation!

John Says:
Hello Larry and Angie,

Yes indeed there will be and I will be announcing details on this very soon.

Best wishes,

John

And that’s all for today. I will continue to answer as many questions as I can here on the blog but if its time sensitive, remember, you always have Facebook.

And so let me try and say thank you to those who cruised with me last week. Well, in my humble opinion it was a……a huge success. I shall of course wait to see what you all felt but hopefully it will be all positive. There were lots of familiar faces and lots of new ones as well. The activities were fun and the gifts of a free 8×10 photo, photo album, T-shirt, baseball hat, bloggers bag and the last of the bobbleheads were all enjoyed I think.

There are too many people to thank personally but I would like to thank all the beards from Miami: Jordan the Sandal, Eric the Beard, Jay the Recently Married, Peter the Hair, and Stephanie the Porterhouse. Also my assistant Stephanie, Chris Prideaux, Al Ernst and Lewis Nixon and Stephanie Herrera in the office who put the whole thing together.

And of course I must thank Captain Rassello and the brilliant crew of the Carnival Glory who all shone brightly and received glowing reviews from the bloggers, many of whom are Platinum and or Milestone guests. I was very very proud of them.

Thanks also to George Solano who allowed me to do the Marriage Show and to be on stage again was just fantastic.

Then the bloggers………well you were all wonderful and gave me so many reasons to be cheerful. Thank you all for your fun and for your kind words and support and ……. well ……. you know…… just thanks for being you. A special thank you to Big Ed and his Evil Krewe………….here’s why.

Great job and along with wonderful personal donations from Carolyn and Linda and from Kye Heald……. the ship sent over $5,000 to the children of St. Jude last week. And that was the icing on the cake.

The blog and the Facebook page have spawned so many friendships and those friendships were cemented once again last week. Thank you so very much everyone. I hope we can do it all again next year. Carnival Magic anyone?

So it feels good to write a blog again and even though this week will be disrupted a bit. Tomorrow I travel to London to do some filming for Carnival UK and the Sky Travel Channel here in the UK. This means I will be relegated to Facebook only tomorrow but will return in full force on Thursday.

Next Monday the blog will have a new look, a look we introduced to the bloggers last week and a new look blog which received a thunderous round of applause from those gathered. They are sworn to secrecy and have been threatened with having to wear the pair of underpants I wore for 8 hours on the flight home yesterday …….as a hat……..should they divulge anything.

What I can tell you is that Eric and his beard have made a brand new site that I know you will love. It is full of gimmicks and gadgets and yet keeps the basic recipe that has gotten this blog 9,200,000 views. That recipe is that I write a blog and you can post a comment telling me you like me or that I have a large white arse, bent teeth, the talent of a dead hamster and that you would rather walk round the main square in Tripoli holding a sign that says Colonel Kaddafi Has Rumpy Pumpy With Camels…..then ever be on the same ship as me. Yep, that will all be there but the other features are truly brilliant and feature……..yep…….John Heald ring tones. The world has truly gone mad.

Over on Facebook I have tried to keep the news current and hope that you have been appreciating and enjoying those updates.

Talking of updates it’s going to be an exciting few weeks. We will be releasing the remaining 2012 itineraries and that includes the Carnival Spirit repositioning cruises. And over the coming weeks we will also be releasing some exciting the news about your Carnival Breeze…….and I can tell you now……….that is going to be news you won’t want to miss.

As I write I am shoving a piece of cold roast beef and a lump of cheese between two slices of wheat bread down my gob (www.urbandictionary.com) all washed down with a cup of tea. I was thinking of how nice it would be to have a job where regardless you had an hour for lunch…..or more. When I worked in London many years ago lunch was never hurried and often included a beer or three.

I then realized that those days have gone. I was in the Miami offices as you know the week before the bloggers cruise and saw that all the beards eat at their desks or in their cubicles…….. every one gets their lunch from the Grab ’n’ Go cafe. They then return to their cubicles and offices to eat their tofu on toast while continuing to check e-mails and look at spread sheets. When they “reach out” to someone to talk about some “blue sky thinking,” they do so in between bites of a sandwich.

However…….you won’t find this in other countries or for that matter. Do they have Grab ’n’ Go shops in Italy? Mama Mia…..of course not. I will be heading to the shipyard in three weeks to collect your Carnival Magic and over there things are very different. Over there, they’re still downing a couple of bottles of wine at lunchtime, and then sleeping it off until six. I have noticed during the few times I have been in the Carnival offices that if they do go out for lunch it’s only an excuse to get some more work done. And so is dinner, and so, increasingly, is breakfast. In fact, they seem to be running out of meals over which Gerry and the Carnival executives can have meetings. I wouldn’t be surprised if we have decided where the Carnival Breeze will homeport over a midnight feast.

And who drinks at lunch time anymore? I was talking to a Carnival senior beard about this and was told that at a recent lunch meeting a company old-timer ordered a glass of wine and a deathly hush descended as though they had just farted…….. Very loudly.

It wasn’t so long ago that you finished work at 5.30 pm irrespective of what you happened to be doing at the time. Ruben Rodriguez, our executive vice president could have been on a very important call with our President Gerry Cahill: “You see Gerry, my plan for the Carnival Breeze is to replace the disco with a Latvian Lap Dancing Club where for $20 and a Fun Ship Special the girls will……oh sorry Gerry, it’s 5:30 pm, time to go home, can we pick this up tomorrow?”

And get this. My friend Chris, our director of entertainment said he didn’t use 5 days of vacation time owed to him last year and that is normal these days.

Normal………my arse. You always took your vacations and if you sneezed………. you went to bed ….…. for a month. These days if you catch some dangerous tropical disease, you must get the deal done before your lungs liquefy and your testicles drop off. I expect to work seven days a week, every week while I am on board and the Carnival shoreside people do, as well.

They go out at night with Borg-style cell phone headset attachments in case the office wants to get in touch and of course they all have their Eyephones and or Raspberries. At least though most if not all turn theirs off when they go on vacation and when they do they leave an “out of office message” You know the type of thing:

“I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks with limited access to e mail.”

I find these very annoying. In the old days we wouldn’t need to do that. We would be on vacation and that was that. But I am not one to talk of course as my raspberry is always on, 24 hours a day every day. However, I will be turning it off tonight because Heidi has promised me some rumpy pumpy and due to the fact I haven’t seen her for 5 weeks I am very excited and am making all necessary preparations. This includes, buying a new pair of underpants and dropping a couple of Nyquil’s in Kye’s bedtime milk. And I promised Heidi I would turn my Raspberry off as well during the event and if anyone e mails me they will get this message:

“I will be out of the office for the next 4 minutes.”

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

P.S Click here for the Carnival Conquest Funtimes.

To be honest, I was severely deprived of my regular tofu consumption throughout the trip (I totally forgot to pack my emergency tofu kit from home) and towards the end, I have to say I was getting a bit weak in the knees, a little delirious, and my beard even started wilting a bit… it was quite scary. (I think I need to talk with the Food & Beverage Manager about future Lido dining options…)

However, since being home, I’m back to my normal schedule, having already consumed something like 20 pounds of the highest grade tofu the world has to offer (this stuff is seriously like the Aston Martin of tofu), and I’m finally feeling like myself again with a beard that’s… like the Megan Fox of beards! Wait… that’s kind of… not such a… well, um… let’s just say my beard is more beardy and powerful than ever!

With that said, if you’ve been following the blog or John’s Facebook, you know that we have been sharing videos updates of all the shenanigans that went down throughout the week on BC4 (and if you haven’t you can watch them all here). Everything from weather updates, to meeting the Captain of the Carnival Glory, and of course, Barney Galore (As you all know, he loves John, John loves him…). Well, without further ado, I’m here to present you with the final video of the Bloggers Cruise 4 series, in all its GLORY! (Hello! Do you see what I did there?)









Hope you enjoy it and while you’re at it, why not share your favorite part of BC4 in the comments section below, so we can make everyone who didn’t attend a little jealous .

I’ll even start… with my favorite two parts….

1) Revealing a super-secret, awesome, never before seen John Heald “thingy” to all of the BC4 attendees.

2) John’s underpants hanging from the light during Big Ed’s Evil Crew Meetup! I will never forget this for as long as I live, as hard as I try.

What about you, which part was most GLORIOUS to you? (ANYONE? ANYONE?? IS THIS THING ON??!)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_aoheiOjMY

John Heald Bloggers Cruise Participants Donate $1,500 to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital

That’s amazing! Go bloggers!

Fun Times from Carnival Miracle

There are a whole bunch of Fun Times today from different itineraries. Enjoy!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkvQZIeTalw

P.S. For more on the Evil Crew, visit ekonefe-at-uh-word-uh-dot-nevermind… or click this link. :-)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyVf6nUj6P0