Johnny Oops

Johnny Oops: Bullies

2012-01-27T12:15:00.000-08:00

Bullies

2012-01-27T12:14:00.000-08:00

One on one, I can sometimes handle myself when a fight starts, but if these three bullies attack me at the same time, I’m toast. I think they know that.

Sometimes, when we are on a thirty -minute recess, the five bells calling us to the cafeteria for lunch saves my ass. Vick and his friends would rather eat than fight. In my case this signifies a respite from these dumb bullies who don’t have the command of the English language I do. I guess I have to learn to live with the bells even though I firmly believe there has got to be a better way. School is hell. My life is quickly turning into a disaster.

God, why are you letting this happen to me? I’m your Messenger – at least I think I am.
This past Saturday there were no bells to save me. I thought I was safe because school was closed and I was taking a shortcut across the schoolyard with my friend Billy to go to the candy store and spend some of my allowance.

Three bullies, who are the bane of my existence, jumped out from behind a garbage disposal bin in back of the school cafeteria, and started pushing me around. They must live here.

I tried to run away too, but I froze in fear. Vick taunted me, saying, “Where you going? How come Mommy let you out of the house?”

Stan pushed me over Don’s outstretched leg, and I found myself flat on my back. The pain creeping over me was a killer. Couldn’t draw a breath. Lungs exploding. When I started to figure out what had happened to me I couldn’t move. I wasn’t functioning. Couldn’t muster the strength to turn over and try to get up. I tried to raise my hands in front of me to protect myself, but I was paralyzed. My muscles tensed reflexively: as I got ready fro the beating I knew was coming. A sense of hopelessness and dread crept over me like a black hole that was sucking my useless body into the ground. Tried to pretend I was somewhere else. Didn’t work. I was in too much pain.

Before I could raise my hands or legs to defend myself, Vick, the leader of the pack, jumped on me straddling my thighs, and started smacking me in bridge of my nose with the palm of his right hand, while punching me in the stomach with his left fist. The blows came nonstop. Vick wore a big silver pinky ring. The damn thing split my lip. Blood flowed everywhere. The air whooshed from my lungs. I gasped for breath feeling I was going to pass out. Wishing I did. The warm, salty taste of my own blood, trickling down my upper lip from my nose, and into my mouth, making me nauseous. Wave after wave of crunching pain racked my body. I started coughing and couldn’t stop.

The FBI Attacks US In La Jolla CA - Excerpt Johnny Oops

2012-01-22T05:35:00.000-08:00

Two FBI Agents, wearing navy blue nylon jackets with FBI stenciled in yellow, rushed into our two-room office in a campus medical research building owned by the University in La Jolla, California, slapped us with some kind of a legal document, and said, “You’re out of here. Don’t bother trying to take your personal belongings. Everything is confiscated,” pushing us out the door. Who do these guys think they are? I lost a top of the line squash racquet, and one of my buddies lost a case of Corona Light. Bet those FBI agents enjoyed the beer.

Evidently our august leader, one Finius Wang, has been diverting most of our charitable contributions to international groups of a subversive nature, after taking a hefty cut for himself. How awful. We all got our names in the paper. Now I have a jacket, and I don’t mean the kind you wear. I mean I have a file with the FBI who has listed the other idealistic jerks and myself as, “would-be subversives of a dubious level of effectiveness.” What does that mean?

The FBI says our parent organization, under the direction of Mr. Wang, was attempting to ferment unrest between Taiwan and North Korea, and paying huge bribes to Taiwanese legislators to accomplish his purpose. I don’t even know where Taiwan is located. Why Mr. Wang chose to engage in these activities, or who was pulling his strings was never established. He managed to escape to China before he was arrested and was never heard from again. All I know is that this had something to do with the transfer of North Korean nuclear technology to Iran.

That was the end of my idealistic period, lasting less than two months. I reverted to my former occupation of womanizer: the only occupation at which I have ever been successful. I decided that if I’m going to get in trouble, I might as well enjoy myself. Didn’t take me long to resume a familiar pattern. Now I know how a bird feels when he constantly has to shift direction to allow for changes in the prevailing winds and is no longer sure of his final destination. I think I’m caught in a downdraft. Watch out below.

Stop, Look, Listen and Smell the What?

2012-01-18T05:45:00.000-08:00

Used to be that what you smelled was the sweet scent of roses or some other pleasing scent. Not today –today things don’t smell so good anymore. Have you stopped and wondered why?

Here is a list of ten reasons why the world we live in doesn’t smell too good anymore and what you can do about it.

There is too much man made pollution.
It is affecting the air we breathe and the atmosphere our dear earth lives under the umbrella of in the natural or is that unnatural order of things.
People no longer have much hope for a better future for them and their children.
Our children have little hope that things are going to change for the better and they are stinking up our atmosphere with their useless verbal diatribes of how they want and are entitled to more of everything with no effort on their part –they consider themselves entitled as part of the offspring of the entitlement generation.
People are just plain scared. they are fearful of homegrown terrorists, going to public places with big crowds, taking public transportation, and yes in some cases they are afraid their neighbors may be terrorists.
The general public thinks things stink when almost every part of their lives are coming under the control of the government—no more sugared sodas, no more salt, no more fat, no more smoking no more drinking too much, no more smoking marijuana, and no more of just about any creature comfort you can think of except for enjoying the financial benefits to be derived from being wards of the State. The place stinks because of myopic thinking on the part of government regulators who are intent on having the prevailing point of view in spite of what the public may or may not want and on getting reelected. Running for office evidently starts the day after you start your new term leaving little time for doing the public’s work.
The stench you are sniffing into your lungs comes from years of broken promises by both major political parties sprinkled with a giant dose of we’ll do it next year rhetoric and somehow next year never seems to come. It’s fueled by an overriding feelings of sadness that we have come to this time and place where we no longer control our own destiny. It comes from a deep an abiding sense of dissatisfaction. It comes with the knowledge that we might have been more and now are no more than some hapless drones shuffling through our lives in this our new entitlement society.
We are a Nation on the dole who has lost its way and forgotten what made us great as a people and the rotting of our souls is what smells so bad.
But this isn’t the end. Can you not smell the sweet smell of success just around the corner? Can’t you remember how our forefathers forged a great union? Don’t you remember the good times? Don’t you want to have them again? Try a little harder. The sweet smell of your personal sense of fulfillment is just around the corner. All you have to do is try a little harder to be yourself.

Arthur Levine is the author of the novels Johnny Oops and Johnny Oops 11 – Timeless, which can be accessed at http://johnnyoops.blogspot.com.

Excerpt from Johnny Oops 11 - Timeless

2012-01-13T06:30:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone, a little snippet from the sequel to Johnny Oops. Johnny 11 could use a little love. Johnny Oops 11 - Timeless.

Ilo said, "What does this latest message from Earth mean, Johnny?"

"Means they want us to slow down, to wait a few months. They aren't ready to receive you in the Everglades yet. They need to at least put up temporary housing for one million people and they can't do that in less than six months. They will need to use part of the Everglades National Park for you and some of the park still needs to be drained. They are talking about a wet and sandy tropical territory of more than one and one half million acres. They say they can't get ready overnight. "

"Johnny, tell them not to worry. We will build our own housing using only materials readily available to us in the immediate area and will compensate your government fully for anything we use in diamonds from our caves here in Citra. We are bringing them with us. We will be there in less than a week."

"Ilo, they don't understand how inventive and technologically advanced you are. Either do I for that matter. I don't know how you do most of the things you do."

"I know it's hard for you to understand Johnny, but most of what we do is based on using our imaginations. If we can imagine something, we can make it happen."

Grandma's Secret Potion of Faith

2012-01-11T15:12:00.001-08:00

Grandma Jenny slipped shoveling snow off the front steps of our home in the midst of a fearsome snow storm at the age of ninety-six and broke her hip. She was a feisty little woman who weighed only ninety-five pounds and stood four feet-nine inches tall. The shovel was bigger than Grandma. You might wonder why she was out shoveling snow early in the morning at her advanced age, but it was part of her stubborn and cantankerous nature. And it was a part of her tradition. She didn’t want my father going to work and getting his feet wet in the snow. It was a matter of respect for the man of the house. It was her way.

Grandma was from the old country – Russia to be specific. She came to the United States as a girl of fourteen traveling for fifteen days on a tramp steamer and surviving on bread and water. She lost her provisions, her money, and her clothes on the trip over to thieves that hounded naïve, unsuspecting young girls such as her as a normal part of refugee voyages in those days. Most people though it was the work of greedy members of the crew. She arrived in this country penniless and literally with only the clothes on her back. But nothing could stop Grandma from making a new life in the land of her dreams, or bringing with her the rituals and traditions that were an innate part of her heritage, her faith, and of her very being.

Until she slipped and broke her hip, Grandma Jenny had always been healthy. None of us in the family could remember her having a cold. She attributed her good health to a secret potion of Elderberry Brandy that she distilled in the attic of our Georgian Colonial House. I have no idea where she got the Elderberries from or how she prepared the brew. We were never allowed up to her special place in the attic to see what she was doing. Everything that Grandma did was a secret.

Grandma had a shot of the special potion when she woke up in the morning and when she went to bed at night, that much she told us. To the best of my knowledge it was the only medicine she ever took. On rare occasions such as holidays and birthdays, we were all invited to join her for a sip of her Elderberry Brandy. I was allowed to participate from the time I was a teenager. Boy did that stuff pack a wallop. It is no wonder that Grandma was never sick. The brandy must have killed the germs. My dad didn’t really like it. He was a scotch man. My mother struggled to swallow it. She didn’t drink. We all participated in the Ritual. No one in the family was about to insult Grandma Jenny. She was too tough a cookie to be trifled with.

On one of the rare occasions when Grandma Jenny bothered to talk to me, communication was a problem since she spoke only Russian; I asked her what was so special about the secret potion? She sort of half smiled at me indicating that when I was more mature I would understand, pointing at my head. Grandma was great at the universal language of hand signals. I do understand a little Russian, but I don’t speak the language. Fortunately for me Grandma did understand English except when she chose to pretend that she didn’t. Even the dog understood Russian because Grandma fed him and he didn’t speak at all. When she called him to come and get it in Russian, he came running. No one disobeyed Grandma. The dog was a huge Boxer named Slugger. It was amazing to see him cower in front of my Grandmother, and wait for her command allowing him to eat. He sure didn’t act like that with my father or me. He once jumped up on my Dad and pushed him so hard that he fell down and dislocated his shoulder. Slugger wouldn’t dare jump up on my Grandma. The dog knew better.

After Grandma passed away, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what was so special about her secret potion and how to make it. Grandma wasn’t big on measurements or recipes. She insisted that you just add a little bit of this and a little bit of that. This was the way she talked when someone wanted to know how to make her yeast coffee cake or her saffron laced ginger-carrot candy. Unfortunately the secrets died with her.

I think I finally have the answer when it comes to the secret potion. It wasn’t the herbs that she added. It wasn’t how high the alcohol content was. It was the love with which she made it and dispensed it to the whole family. It represented to her a melding of old traditions and new rituals. It symbolized her faith in God, and the respect she had for our family and our Country. It was a way for her to celebrate her freedom. It was her way of communicating to us in a language of kindness and caring that we could all understand.

Sometimes when I sip a little brandy late at night to help calm me from the stress of the day and the threat of terrorism, I wonder, couldn’t we all use a little of Grandma’s secret potion to help us through these troubled times? The commercial stuff doesn’t seem to be doing the trick anymore. It lacks the tradition of caring, kindness, and love necessary to make it a special brew. It lacks that personal faith-filled touch of Grandma Jenny. It doesn’t have her tenacious character or her will to survive. It lacks respect.

There are some things that you can’t put in a bottle, smack a label on, and expect to work miracles. Sometimes you have to find the right ingredients in your own heart. Sometimes you have to distill them yourself. Sometimes the secret potion of faith is within you.

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A Little Excerp From Johnny Oops 11 - Timeless

2012-01-10T10:27:00.000-08:00

“Well I reached my buddy, Inney. He said he spoke to your father and he said he has faith that you can do this. He suggests you get a little more sexually active to lessen the stress. Says this always worked for him. He said whatever form your sexual activities take is okay with him. He says has tried almost everything. He says that in his opinion the Tom, Toms have the right beat. I mean idea—no complications and no long-term commitments except for the egg laying part. Then he said the strangest thing. He said beware of Eric Tom, because he is an artificial intelligence entity and as such doesn’t have the same emotions that we Humans have. He does have cognitive abilities, but it’s not the same as our sense of passion and longing. What do you think he means by that, Johnny?”

“Wow, so much for total transparency. I never thought of that. Somehow the Game Master is involved and I guess God. They were probably trying to create the perfect Human, I mean entity using artificial intelligence, but some where along the way something went amiss, or is this what they want. Is this the counterbalance to Human frailty and weakness? I always thought our shortcomings were our real strength—the things that made us truly different and superior to other animals. No wonder Eric Tom can talk about eliminating our races with such cold calculating lack of empathy. This boggles the mind.”

Ala interrupted to say, “My poor Johnny, I can’t have your mind being boggled at a time like this. You need all your wits about you if you are going to be able to deal with Eric Tom and his non-carbon based artificial intelligence entities if that’s what they are. Just be sure you don’t have sex with him or his wife if he has one. I refuse to sit on any old eggs of artificial intelligence entities for six years. I’m much to busy.”

“Ala, I don’t know where to start or how to answer you. The only one I’m having sex with is you.”

“I know Johnny, that’s part of the problem. Just have faith that you can do this as your father suggested, and try and be a little more like him when it comes to being a sex maniac, but remember I’m listening. Whatever works, that’s my motto.”

“Okay Ala, I’ll do my best.”

“Your best isn’t going to be good enough, Johnny. You’ll have to do better.”

*****

Hi. Arthur Levine here, is your best going to be good enough?

What's My Genre

2012-01-05T16:13:00.000-08:00

I feel like a cross dresser. I'm not sure in what category or categories my novel falls. The thought occurs to me that my book is having a schizoid fit. My principal character has a badly split personality, or is that just a result of the alternate reality worlds he slides in and out of with all their attendant quantum entanglements.

This must be the literary equivalent of who am I and where am I going. Is Johnny Oops maturing, growing up, or devolving into a transient human being who thinks he's a prophet and immortal?
Maybe Johnny is dwelling in different virtual reality worlds that suit his purpose at any one particular time. Maybe the world he lives in is all too real for the level of inner turmoil he is capable of dealing with. Perhaps this is Johnny's way of protecting himself from his sexual excesses.

The sex charlatan in him seems to come in undulating quantum waves as his qubits are distorted by passion and insecurity. Johnny wants it, needs it, and has to have relations with a whole bunch of beautiful women, but to what end? Is this the human weakness in the Guru or is he just a Charlatan at heart?

Tumbling from one world to the next reality, Johnny doesn't know if he is real, or the puppet to some super intelligent Game Master. Is he part of a speculative fantasy? Is this the coming of age process for a Genius? Do other people have an inner self that's one foot tall and dresses in a Boy Scout uniform? Do his love scenes trump his deification, and his human transgressions prevent his salvation and redemption?

Why does Johnny question his relevance? Does he have so many second comings or near misses or rebirths because he is in effect a messenger of God, as he sometimes believes? How do you classify Johnny when he jumps from one sense of reality to the next in a flash of emotional response to whatever force is driving him on to try and change the world we live in - which ever world that happens to be at that particular moment in time. How does Johnny fit in when he doesn't really think that he does? Is this madness, debauchery of the soul, or the refinement of a life well spent?

Excerpt from Johnny Oops 11 - Timeless

2012-01-02T06:04:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER 5

I’ve decided to take the councilwoman’s advice to relax with Ala for a while. I’ve been through a lot, and to tell the truth I have this fascination for Ala. She is so exotic. She smells so good and has the most beautiful smile. Her eyes are a bright Green like a cat. Normally I’m not easily excited by women, but this one does excite me. She turns me on. Forget about spaceships and jumping from world to world for a few days. Time to live a little. Time for a little R & R. I hope Ala feels the same way about this strange looking white man who has hair on his head like her animals. I think she does.

“Ala, you want to show me around? I’m going to take a few days off from being a scientific genius and concentrate on enjoying myself—hopefully with you.”

“Yes, I would like to spend time with you, Johnny.”

“Ala, you don’t have to lick my ear to show you want to be friends. It’s disconcerting.”

“What does disconcerting mean, Johnny?”

“Just means it’s not my custom. I’m not used to ear licking. What are those buildings over there? First time I’ve seen buildings here that are not see through.”

“They are where we go when we want to make love. Would you like to do that with me, Johnny?”

“I guess so. I don’t know. What does that involve?”

“We mind meld and we join physically. Is that what you were talking about when you mentioned your private parts?

Happy Every Day, Happy New Year, It’s Time To Celebrate

2011-12-27T04:58:00.000-08:00

Why do we have to wait for special holidays to celebrate the miracle of life? Isn’t it time we started to appreciate how much we have to be happy for every day of our lives?

It seems to me that many of us are taking the bounty of our lives for granted. We spend so much time wishing for more that we forget how much we already have.

We take for granted things like:

Good Health

A Loving Family

The Blessings of God

The Miracle of Our Faith

The Beauty All Around Us

Our Ability To Think and Reason

The Wonders of The World We Live In

Our Beliefs and Our Passions

The Kindness of Strangers

Our God Given Souls

The Miracle of Life Itself

The list could go on and on. Maybe you can think of some things that I have forgotten that we take for granted. Maybe you can help others become more aware of their surroundings and their blessings.

Don’t waste your time thinking about the bad things that have happened in your life. It won’t make them go away any sooner. It won’t make you happier. It will distract you from concentrating on all the good things you have to celebrate.

Concentrate on the positive. Having a positive attitude will help you be happier. Believe in a good future for yourself and your family and your chances of having one will improve dramatically. Have faith in yourself and your ability to be a force for good. Believe in God and all He has given us.

Isn’t it time we took the time to celebrate our lives by trying harder to make something more constructive of them. Perhaps that’s what the celebration should be all about: Our ability to try and do better, our passion to discover more of the meaning of life, and our ability to be thinking and kind human beings.

What a wonderful world this is for us to live and love and work in. Doesn’t it make you want to celebrate your existence every day of the year?

Happy New Year*****

The Little Christmas Tree That Could

2011-12-20T07:27:00.000-08:00

Johnny Jr. was pursuing a quest to find his faith in God. He bought a tiny little Christmas tree to celebrate the holidays. It was all that he could afford at the time.

His wife and little children were very disappointed that the tree was so small. They didn't say anything, but Johnny Jr. knew and was upset that they weren’t happy. He wished and prayed that the tree was larger and more magnificent.

The night before Christmas when he went to put his few meager presents under the tree, he was startled to notice that the Christmas tree had grown much larger. It was taller by more than three feet and wider and its branches seemed to glisten. The few tiny ornaments and lights that Johnny Jr. and his wife had managed to put up also appeared to have multiplied, and now their glow lit up the whole room.

Johnny Jr. called his wife and little children over to witness this miracle of the little Christmas tree that could grow. He had been praying that things would get better for him and his family, but he never dreamed that his prayers would be answered in this manner.

Johnny and his family were convinced that it was their faith in God that gave them the miracle of the little tree that could grow.

Do you have something happening in your life that can help make your faith grow stronger? Has something happened to you that you feel is a miracle at this wonderful time of the year? Think about it. Sometimes it’s the little acts of faith in our lives that can help make miracles happen. Sometimes our prayers do get answered if we truly believe.

I believe that each of us has a special thought or wish in our mind’s eye that could grow into a miracle if you just have enough faith that it could. I pray that at this marvelous time of the year the miracle of your dreams comes true for you. I think it could. I think it could. I think it could

Johnny Oops 11 - Timeless is Free

2011-12-19T05:11:00.000-08:00

Last two days free. Johnny Oops 11 - Timeless. Merry Christmas.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005XP2GPO

Regards,
Arthur

A Strange Little Fellow Appeared - Excerpt Johnny Oops

2011-12-14T06:37:00.000-08:00

My life keeps getting stranger and stranger. I wonder if I’m imagining things.

I was driving home in my Range Rover from the Holiday Inn where I prepaid for the thirty rooms I had reserved for my guests who were invited to the big Xmas/New Year reunion. The holiday season had finally arrived. I stopped at a traffic light and when the light turned green and I stepped on the gas, I felt like I was sliding on a sheet of ice through a sky high, gossamer thin piece of translucent glass that miraculously stretched across the highway. I lost track of time. Then instantly everything appeared normal again, except I was startled to see, sitting in the passenger seat next to me, a cute little fellow who couldn’t have been more than one foot tall. He was completely bald, had unblemished Albino white skin, pink eyes, and was wearing a Boy Scout uniform. I don’t know where he came from, or who he is. In a flash, he just appeared.

“Who or what the hell are you?” I asked.

The cute little fellow said, “There you go again with your damn cursing. I’ve tried so hard to get you to stop that. When are you going to start listening to me?”

“Who are you?” I repeated, my forehead breaking out in a cold sweat.

Johnny Oops 11 - Timeless is Free

2011-12-12T06:02:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone. My novel Johnny Oops 11 - Timeless is now free for three days on Kindle. don't forget to buy the original Johnny Oops. Merry Christmas. http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005XP2GPO

Regards,
Arthur

If The Rich Were The Underdogs - Excerpt Johnny Oops

2011-12-11T07:21:00.000-08:00

Jody, Jason, and I wandered over to the Empire State Building. We wanted to go up to the observation tower to view the City from above. Security was tight. The observation tower was temporarily closed. We looked at this beautiful building with awe, and yet something was missing. Why is it that man can erect such magnificent edifices, but cannot sustain the peace of mind to enjoy them.

An old beggar in throwaway clothes and shoes that were too big had been listening to me mutter these words half out loud. He was in rags, had poor vision, but keen hearing.

He tapped me on the arm with his cane and said, “It’s because humans act without thinking about the consequences. They destroy things of beauty, and people of value, and then wonder why me when it becomes their turn. They don’t care enough about others to protect their own self-interest. They leave poor people like me to rot in the streets with nary a thought to our suffering. They keep the underprivileged downtrodden and miserable. Why are they so surprised when the have-nots of this world start to rebel?

If the rich were the under dogs, what would they say, thank you very much please kick me again? I think not. I think they would rise up in a rage when they became so frustrated with their lives of meaningless poverty that they could not take it any more.”

Borrow Your Free Copy of Johnny Oops 11 - Timeless

2011-12-09T10:04:00.000-08:00

Hi all, Borrow this Johnny Oops 11 - Timeless for free, with no due dates, if you are a Kindle owner and Prime member. If you're not a Prime member, start your one month free trial today. You can borrow this book from your Kindle device.

Perfect for the new middle aged group looking to experiment with up to date technology.

Regards,
Arthur

I've Gone Prime For Free

2011-12-09T06:13:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone, I've gone Prime with Johnny Oops 11 - Timeless. Borrow this book for free, with no due dates, if you are a Kindle owner and Prime member. If you're not a Prime member, start your one month free trial today. You can borrow this book from your Kindle device.

Regards,
Arthur

Johnny Oops 5 star review from across the pond

2011-12-06T12:18:00.000-08:00

5.0 out of 5 stars Full Of Chuckles! Great Fun!, December 5, 2011
By
Bryden "J. Bryden Lloyd" ((Author - UK)) - See all my reviews
Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: Johnny Oops (Kindle Edition)
I went into this expecting a diary-type book about the trials and tribulations of a typical growing guy... something that has been "done to death" over the years, since Adrian Mole burst onto the scene many years ago.

... and yes, this WAS the trials and tribulations of a... well, a guy... but that is where any similarity ended.

Levine showed superb style throughout this book, especially with the humorous elements that make this book into the great read it is. There are more than enough twists and turns in this book to keep you reading. Everything from the characters to the places are written so consistently well, the story flows and rolls between superb bouts of apathy and frustration as Johnny paddles his way through life.

It's a while since I bought a book based on just wanting a good laugh, and Johnny Oops delivered on every level, and then a few I had never considered. I have to recommend this purely based on that fact.

The second book is already primed in my Kindle and will be taking a prominent role in my TBR list. So, if you are looking for a genuinely fun read, I recommend this whole-heartedly.

Excellent!

We Are Coming

2011-12-05T05:04:00.000-08:00

I’m too late. By the time I get home Ala has made a deal with this big TV Production Company called No Name No Pain. I try arguing with her, but you know Ala when she makes up her mind. The TV Company plans a multi million dollar wedding and promotion for Ala and I, which includes paying us each five hundred thousand dollars an episode for our new reality series starting with the wedding. They offer the same fee to Johnworld to participate. I have a bad feeling about this.

The wedding of the century as it is featured takes place one month later at the Saint Ludicrous Ballroom in NYC. Ala looks beautiful in an Aqua Blue wedding gown. I wear an all white tuxedo. Think I look stupid. I know I’m White and Ala is Blue. What’s the point?

Johnworld arrives with his steady girlfriend, Anna, in a pink tuxedo jacket with white linen pants and purple patent leather loafers. He immediately goes over to a large potted palm tree that is guarding the entrance to the ballroom, unzips his fly and urinates at the base of the palm tree on national TV. I’m so humiliated. Ala explains to me it’s a custom of the Magentas to mark what they perceive to be their territory. I though animals do that.

All twenty-eight of our Magenta grandchildren—four of Johnworlds ladies had twins—are dressed in pink tuxedo jackets, white linen shorts and little pink or blue patent leather loafers depending on whether they are boys or girls. Although they are all less than one year old, they look and act like seven year olds. They sit quietly through the ceremony with their mothers and grandparents. Then they start marching around the dance floor and the tables in some type of herd mentality marking their territories as their father did and shouting, “We are coming. Their mothers and grandparents look startled as do the rest of the Human guests.”

A Johnny Oops Style Christmas

2011-12-01T12:36:00.000-08:00

Meanwhile back at the house, my invited guests started to appear for the festivities. The first to arrive were my parents, Anne and Jeffery Wilbert. They were older now of course, but still made a fine looking couple. My mother looked like she couldn’t wait to give me a lecture on something. I tried avoiding her. Some things don’t change.

Jody had spared no expense decorating the house for the Christmas holidays. Holy and pine branches, cranberries strung with green ribbon, and artificial snow that sparkled with silver tinsel was everywhere. The place really looked fantastic. You could smell the fragrance of the pine needles.

Jody’s plans called for a week of buffet style meals. Brunches featured eggnog French toast, scrambled shrimp and chive eggs, Vermont smoked bacon, and almond bourbon croissants. Sumptuous dinners featured prime ribs of beef, huge smoked hams, crabmeat stuffed Maine lobsters, and roast turkey with sausage and sage stuffing.

The table abounded with all kinds of jell-o molds, sweet potato soufflés, local vegetables, and every conceivable kind of pie. A huge chocolate Yule log decorated with white meringue mushrooms and green marzipan leaves served as the centerpiece.

Guests had their choice of orange juice mimosas, fine wines or hard liqueur and Tequila Sunsets: all served by a staff of cooks, waiters, and barmen hired for the occasion. I started tasting the Tequila Sunsets early to be sure they were being made right.

Jody figured that guests would come and go as they pleased. Most just came and stayed. Some of them didn’t even bother to go back to the motel to sleep. There was a sense of jovial holiday spirited chaos.

#####

An excerpt from my novel Johnny Oops. Have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

Regards,

Arthur Levine

Most Recent Customer Reviews for Johnny Oops

2011-11-30T13:01:00.000-08:00

4.0 out of 5 stars Who -or what - is Johnny Oops?
Once this reader got started on this strange journey of Johnny Oops, I just HAD to keep reading to try and figure him out! Read more

Published 7 days ago by Lila L. Pinord

5.0 out of 5 stars Johnny Oops
`Johnny Oops' took me to a place I felt that I had been before growing up as a youth filled with questions and anxieties about what was important and what I believed in. Read more

Published 2 months ago by Jim Burkett

5.0 out of 5 stars Unique Story Funny and Entertaining
If you want a good laugh and a highly entertaining journey, try Arthur Levine's JOHNNY OOPS.

I've never laughed so hard reading a book in years. Read more

Published 4 months ago by James A. Anderson

5.0 out of 5 stars Sinner, saint, and everything in between...
"Johnny Oops" is a fun, quirky read filled with colorful characters and many laugh-out-loud moments. Read more

Published 5 months ago by Deborah A. Prestwood

5.0 out of 5 stars This is a Great Book!
Don't be fooled by the cover. This is not science fiction but one of the best romps with an angsty teenager searching for himself through sex, psuedo-religion, sex and more sex... Read more

Published 6 months ago by Rebecca Forster

Johnny Oops 11 - Timeless - New Excerpt - Chapter 9

2011-11-27T12:14:00.000-08:00

It’s amazing to me how these people line up willingly to be turned into bar codes—little more than the fine print on a can of beans. They have such faith in their leaders. Never happen back on Earth. We don’t trust our leaders to do anything for us except think and spend our money I guess? Here they are thousands and thousands of them smiling as they enter large metal framed cylinders to have their essence turned into Human, well almost Human bar codes. At the rate this is going we will be ready to take off in a few days.

Ilo said, “What does this latest message from Earth mean, Johnny”

“Means they want us to slow down, to wait a few months. They aren’t ready to receive you in the Everglades yet. They need to at least put up temporary housing for one million people and they can’t do that in less than six months. They will need to use part of the Everglades National Park for you and some of the park still needs to be drained. They are talking about a wet and sandy tropical territory of more than one and one half million acres. They say they can’t get ready overnight. ”

“Johnny, tell them not to worry. We will build our own housing using only materials readily available to us in the immediate area and will compensate your government fully for anything we use in diamonds from our caves here in Citra. We are bringing them with us. We will be there in less than a week.”

“Ilo, they don’t understand how inventive and technologically advanced you are. Either do I for that matter. I don’t know how you do most of the things you do.”

“I know it’s hard for you to understand Johnny, but most of what we do is based on using our imaginations. If we can imagine something, we can make it happen.”

“Ilo, You mean what you build is not real, but virtual? I hope your spaceship is real.”

“Don’t worry, Johnny. Our spaceship is as real as you perceive it to be.”

“Oh Boy, I don’t have the kind of imagination you do. Hope this works out.”

“ Relax, Johnny, everything will be all right. Just have faith,” Ala said. “My people know what they are doing.”

Thanksgiving – All Alone At Home

2011-11-21T14:45:00.000-08:00

A Thanksgiving message from Johnny Oops and Arthur Levine

You might well ask what's so special about having a turkey sandwich on Thanksgiving, but it is who it came from and how it was made that's special. In fact it was the best turkey sandwich that I Johnny Oops the prophet, and a fictional character in a novel by the same name ever had, if you can believe that. You see I was all alone at home and feeling sad and lonely.

I was resigned to spending Thanksgiving alone in Rancho Santa Fe, California. My wife was visiting her father, The Kabalistic Rabbi Frenbren, in France with our son to introduce him to our twin grandchildren prophets - Precious and Pretty. Anyway I was lonely. I don't like feeling lonely on the holidays, what about you?

The truth is I felt lost shuffling around this huge house of mine all by myself. I had given the staff off for the holidays, and the silence was deafening. Then I heard the doorbell ring. I ran to the door my heart pulsing fast, hoping it was Jody back from France with my children to surprise me for the holidays, but I knew in the back of my mind that wasn't going to happen.

I opened the door and there was Jonathan my chauffer, administrative assistant and all around good guy. I asked him why he was here in the middle of his holiday celebration.

He said, "Well Sir, you know I don't live too far away, and the Misses thought since we had more turkey than we could possibly eat that you might like a turkey sandwich since you were home alone as it were."

I told Jonathan that was very thoughtful of him and his wife, and asked if he would like to come in for a drink of eggnog or something. He thanked me, but said he wanted to get back to his family. I understood and wished him well and thanked him again for the sandwich.

A few hours later I felt hungry and went down to the kitchen to open the basket with the turkey sandwich. Inside a red and white checkered napkin that lined the basket was a note from his wife thanking me for all the kindness I had shown her husband over the past year. I really don't know what she was talking about; I just try to adhere to God's admonition to care for other people. I guess I must have done something right for a change.

Then I unwrapped what was in the basket. It contained a large sandwich made on homemade dark rye bread, cut in large diagonal slices, and stuffed with huge slabs of white meat turkey with the crispy outer skin still attached. It was slathered with the most delicious Russian dressing mixed with finely chopped sweat gherkins. It smelled great. On the side Jonathan's wife had added plastic containers of Cranberry sauce, the most delicious sausage stuffing, marshmallow topped candied sweet potatoes, and a huge slice of homemade apple pie carefully wrapped in aluminum foil. I devoured it all not bothering to heat anything up. Frankly I am not to good around the kitchen. There is no question in my mind that this was the best Thanksgiving turkey sandwich I ever had. I only wish that Jody was here to share it with me.

Just as I was finishing, Jody called from France. She was worried that I was home alone and lonely. I told her not any more because Jonathan had just brought me a special turkey sandwich with all the trimmings, and her call was the most special holiday treat of them all. I took advantage of the holiday spirit to tell her once again how much I love her and our son Johnny Oops Junior and our beautiful twin grandchildren. She told me that she felt the same way and promised never to be away from me on the holidays again.

Sometimes it's the little things that make a difference. Sometimes it is the kindness and caring of other people that really touch our hearts. Sometimes a simple gesture can reassure us on the holidays that our loved ones care for us, and we don't have to feel alone. After all, God is always with us. Isn't that the only reality that really matters?

This holiday season might be an especially good time to thank God for all the blessings He has bestowed upon us: the family and friends He surrounds us with so that we are not all alone, and the people we know who really care about us no matter how far away they are from us on the holidays.

These are the 'words' of your new friend Johnny Oops the prophet, and my message is that, "I care for you and wish you and yours well. You don't have to feel alone any more. In spite of the natural disasters and acts of terrorism that afflict us, we all have a lot to be thankful for: so many new friends and loved ones to cherish, so many we haven't even met yet, and so many acts of kindness to cherish. The best is yet to come. Isn't life wonderful? Have a very happy and healthy Thanksgiving"

My Best,

Arthur Levine

Thanksgiving Without All The Fancy Trimmings

2011-11-20T05:08:00.000-08:00

This is shaping up as the Thanksgiving when people return to old fashion values and go sparingly on all the exotic side dishes that have come to signify the opulence of the Holiday and our own sense of excess.

In a lot of respects this Thanksgiving promises to be something special – something we can really be thankful for. In spite of a recession, families will once more gather to rejoice in their freedom and the bounty of their table, but this time most if not all of the trimmings will be homemade and not store bought. Is that so terrible? I rather like it, and the smells coming from the kitchen make my mouth water in anticipation.

You do remember the aroma of a home made apple pie wafting from the oven through the kitchen and out into the living room of a home you can afford to live in where a happy group of family and friends are gathered before a roaring wood burning fire, don’t you? Life can be good.

Is eggnog any better when laced with twenty-five-year-old brandy than with cheap dark rum? Does a Ford compact car get you where you want to go as well as a Mercedes Limousine?

What store bought barbequed bird can compete with a twenty-pound turkey basting in its own juices as its skin crisps and the smell of sausage and cornbread stuffing sends the dog whining in anticipation and dancing in circles?

Do the children playing games in the hallway know the difference between Oysters Rockefeller and chestnuts wrapped in bacon?

Is pumpkin and squash soup any less delectable and tasty then lobster bisque from the gourmet store? Are eating fish egg caviar what the pilgrims had in mind for their day of Thanksgiving?

If we are not alone, if we can share the holiday together, what difference does it make if we can’t spend a lot of money on some fancy trimmings? We have more than most people can hope for. We have a bounteous table of our own making, and the family and friends to share it with. We have a lot to be thankful for. We are together. We are free.

Too much emphasis on having all the exotic trimmings we can conger up may be why we got into this recession to begin with. Thank God the American public has enough sense to know when to stop spending on fancy luxuries they can do without, and start saving for their own and their children’s future.

When we all remember the lessons of the past that our parents and grandparents tried to teach us, we will truly have something to be thankful for. Then this recession will really be gone, and the real trimmings of a wonderful life will come racing back to us with our heartfelt thanks. They will always be ours to cherish and remember.

May the trimmings of your heart and mind make your cup full of love to the brim and your sense of joy running over.

Have a Happy, Healthy Thanksgiving.

*****

You Can’t Color Code Your Emotions

2011-11-14T05:32:00.000-08:00

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

New York, NY – Even if you are Magenta colored with Yellow hair like the son of Johnny Oops 11 in the novel Johnny Oops 11 - Timeless, you can’t color-code your emotions and get away with it. Doesn’t matter to this rocket scientist who visits new planets and starts new races of people whether you are Blue like his wife, Ala of the Indolt race who are telepathic, or green like the Fugats, or striped like the Juicers, or Magenta colored like his son, Johnworld 1

What matters is that you care about people of all colors and stripes, and respect their differences as you strive to develop a great new intergalactic society that encompasses all people of good faith.

Johnny Oop’s son, Johnworld 1 is intent on propagating different races and is quite prolific in this endeavor causing the ire of the government of the US and many members of different existing races whose daughters he impregnates using a combination of normal techniques and a mind meld. The result is children who grow rapidly and advance physically beyond their normal years. The result is overcrowding in the US pushing humans into Mexico to find work and eventually the Magentas to a new planet called Everworld where they find the paradise of their dreams.

On the planet of Everworld, Humans, Magentas, Indolts, Stripers, Fugats, and Juicers all come together to fight the evil spirits of artificial intelligence agents called the Tom Toms to form a great new society where the color of your skin is less important than your faith in a common God.

Their world only partly created, Johnworld, Johnny Oops 11, and Ala are summoned by the Mermaloids—a group of half fish, half humans to swim through the deep lake to find the paradise of their dreams. This paradise is a way station of timeless dimensions on their passage to a spirit world and Heaven.

Contact:

Arthur Levine/Author

Johnny Oops 11 – Timeless

http://johnnyoops.blogspot.com

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005XP2GPO

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/100269

Available on Kindle, in print on Amazon, and on Smashwords in most digital forms.