Laugh Out Loud

The Milkman

noreply@blogger.com (Anthony) — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 02:05:00 +0000

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh boy! Horsie ride! Daddy can I ride on your back?"

Daddy was relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, he agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

The Communist

noreply@blogger.com (Anthony) — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 02:04:00 +0000

A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the doctor tells the man he has bad news. "You only have six months to live."

The man sits for a while thinking, and then says, "There's only one thing I can do, I'm going to become a Communist."

The doctor asks,"You've been a patriotic American all your life, why are you going to become a Communist now?"

The man says, "Better one of them should die than one of us!"

Not good in bed

noreply@blogger.com (Anthony) — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 02:02:00 +0000

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

The Bussiness and The Blonde

noreply@blogger.com (Anthony) — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 02:00:00 +0000

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by
saying, "T-G-I-F"? (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied,"S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and
said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled "S-H-I-T."

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

The honeymoon trip

noreply@blogger.com (Anthony) — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 01:57:00 +0000

For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon trip. They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when they arrive.

The husband says, "I'll just nip around by their window and see what they are doing. We can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!"

Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged in foreplay. They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with their legs spread. The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around his erect member. After a few minutes of this, they rush together and make mad tumultuous love like crazed weasels.

The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his eagerly waiting wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more aroused herself.

"Darling, this is going to be so good," she says, "Run right out and get some grapefruit and Lifesavers!"

The Smugller

noreply@blogger.com (Anthony) — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 01:56:00 +0000

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that - get off the bike!"
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about.....
I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Bingo!

noreply@blogger.com (Anthony) — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 01:56:00 +0000

The wife comes home from a night at bingo with a new fur coat. She says "Honey, look what I won at bingo".

Next week she comes home from bingo with a large diamond ring. She says,"Honey look what I won at bingo".

Next week she come home from bingo driving a new porsche, she says "Honey, look what I won at bingo".

The next week as she is preparing to get ready for bingo, the husband asks - "Honey shall I draw you a bath?" To which she replies "Why sure".

As the wife enters the tub she notices there is less than a inch of water in the tub.

She asks "how am I supposed to take a bath in this amount of water?"

To which the husband replies...
"I wouldn't want you to get your bingo card wet"!

Charlie in Chicago

noreply@blogger.com (Anthony) — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 01:53:00 +0000

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago".

"Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks,

"Bob, what are you doing?!"

Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

Cowboy and an Indian

noreply@blogger.com (Anthony) — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 01:52:00 +0000

A Texas cowboy got a visit from his cousin who lives in the east.
He thought he would show his city-slicker cousin a local Indian tribe so he could see how they were "one with the land".

The cowboy and his cousin come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. The cowboy stops and says to his cousin, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the city-slicker.

"Look," says the cowboy, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction!"

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cousin to the cowboy.
"This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. AMAZING!!!"

The Indian looks up and says...
"Ran over me about a half hour ago."

Mushroom

noreply@blogger.com (Anthony) — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 01:49:00 +0000

Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.
Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.

Jim: What happened to your first three wives?
Joe: They all died, Jim.

Jim: How did that happen?
Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.

Jim: How terrible! And your second?
Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.

Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.

Jim: I see, an accident.
Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

The Lastname

noreply@blogger.com (Anthony) — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 01:47:00 +0000

The new mother got out of bed for the first time since her childbirth dressed in her robe and walked down the hospital hallway to the nurses desk where she asked for a phone book.

"What are you doing out here! You should be in your room resting," the nurse exclaimed.

"I want to search through the phone book for a name for my baby," the new mother replied.

"You don't have to do that here. The hospital furnished a booklet to all new mothers to assist them in picking a first name for their baby."

"You don't understand," the woman said and frowned.
"My baby already has a FIRST name!"

The Three Wise Women

noreply@blogger.com (Anthony) — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 01:47:00 +0000

Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women
instead of Three Wise Men?

They would have asked directions,
arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a
casserole, and, brought practical gifts!

Garter

noreply@blogger.com (Anthony) — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 01:44:00 +0000

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Bobby?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?"

"Well teacher, I just saw BOTH of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, and tells him - "I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"And where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teach, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"

Soldier in a cup

noreply@blogger.com (Anthony) — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 01:41:00 +0000

There was this 8 year old kid who lived with his 82 year old grandma. He had been living with her for some time, and he thought, that with all the work she does, he could at least make her a cup of coffee in the morning.

So he woke up early one day, and made a cup of coffee and brought it to his grandma. She took one drink of it and died instantly. He called 911, and the paramedics rushed over there.

While examining the grandma, one of the paramedics pulls out a little plastic green soldier from her throat. After the paramedic learns that the kid made her coffee and put that soldier in there, of course, the first question is "why". The kid answered, "Grandma always said, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'!"

Torn Rubber

noreply@blogger.com (Anthony) — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 01:41:00 +0000

A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.

Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?
"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied.

He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?
"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies.

The mother paused and said to her son...
"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious"

The American, Jewesh and Canadian

noreply@blogger.com (Anthony) — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 01:37:00 +0000

An American, a Jew and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Jew and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Jew was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his!"

Two guys hunting a dear

noreply@blogger.com (Anthony) — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 01:35:00 +0000

The first guy says, "Did you see that?...pointing to the sky."
"No," the second guy says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead!" the first guy says.
"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks.
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there!"
"Yah, Ok", says the second guy again with a bit of irritation in his voice.

A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"
This time pointing behind them.

By now, the second guy is getting very aggravated and says, "Yah, I SAW IT!"

And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

Dear Tech Support

noreply@blogger.com (Anthony) — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 01:34:00 +0000

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend
5.0 to Husband
1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend
5.
0.

In addition, Husband
1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance
9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL
5.0 and NBA
3.
0. Conversation
8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning
2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging
5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

--Desperate

***

Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend
5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband
1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears
6.
2. Husband
1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty
3.0 and Flowers
7.
0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband
1.0 to default to GrumpySilence
2.5, Happyhour
7.0 or Beer
6.
1.

Beer
6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw
1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband
1.0

In summary, Husband
1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood
3.0 and Lingerie
5.
3.

Good Luck! Tech Support

The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows 3000:

noreply@blogger.com (Anthony) — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 01:32:00 +0000

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"
10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.

The Fuck Word

noreply@blogger.com (Anthony) — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 01:31:00 +0000

Fuck is such a versatile word...

Greetings: How the fuck are you!
Fraud: I got fucked by the car dealer.
Trouble: Well, I guess I'm fucked now.
Confusion: What the fuck...?
Retaliation: Up your fucking ass!
Denial: I didn't fucking do it.
Apathy: Who gives a fuck anyway?
Suspicion: Who the fuck are you?
Directions: Fuck off.
Chronology: It's Five-Fucking-Thirty!
Business: I hate this fucking job.
Oedipal: Motherfucker.

The word has been used by some very notable people throughout history:

Where the fuck is all that water coming from?
-Captain of the Titanic

That's not a fucking real gun.
-John Lennon

Who's going to fucking know?
-President Nixon

Any fucking idiot could understand that.
-Albert Einstein

What the fuck was that?
-Mayor of Hiroshima

It fucking does "so" look like her.
-Picasso

How the fuck did you work that out?
-Pythagoras

You want "what" on the fucking ceiling?
-Michelangelo

Fuck a duck.
-Walt Disney

Scattered showers my fucking ass!
-Noah

Condoms

noreply@blogger.com (Anthony) — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 01:28:00 +0000

Which condom would you use....

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.

California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...

General Electric: We bring good things to life!

AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'

Bounty: The quicker picker upper.

Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?

Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....

M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'

Chevron: use them? people do.

Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border

MCI: for friends and family

Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter

Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are

United Airlines travel pack: Fly United

The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?

Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam

Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!

Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!

McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served

Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities

Burger King: Have it your way

Dairy Queen: We treat you right

AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1

Golfer

noreply@blogger.com (Anthony) — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 01:29:00 +0000

1. Q. Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them?
A. Just in case they get a hole in one.

2. Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!"
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir!"

3. Golfer: "My wife says if I don't stop playing golf she's going to leave me!"
Caddy: "I'm sure you will miss her terribly, sir!"

4. Golfer: "Well caddy, do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, sir! But personally I prefer golf."

Chain Letter

noreply@blogger.com (Anthony) — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 01:25:00 +0000

This chain letter was started by a gentleman in the hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women!

One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, four of whom were worth keeping.

REMEMBER-this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model! An unmarried Turkish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a well-educated, sweet coed who could both work and not be too tired for fun, and a very attractive and highly successful plastic surgeon who just happened to be a nymphomaniac!

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!

One man broke the chain and got his wife back!!!

Q & A

noreply@blogger.com (Anthony) — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 01:24:00 +0000

Q&A's about Salami Bin Coward & the Talibuttheads:

Q: Why does Salami Bin Coward carry a Turd in his pocket?
A: It's his photo ID.

Q: What do Salami Bin Coward and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing - "yet".

Q: How do you play Talibutthead bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...

Q: What is the Talibuttheads national bird?
A: Duck.

Q: How is Salami Bin Coward like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: What does Salami Bin Coward and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: What's the difference between the Talibuttheads and a bucket of crap?
A: The bucket.

Q: What's the five day forecast for Afghanistan?
A: Two days.

Q: Why don't Salami Bin Coward's people eat turd sandwiches?
A: They hate bread.

Q: Why don't the Talibuttheads have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?
A: The camels can't handle it.

The Leprechaun

noreply@blogger.com (Anthony) — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 01:21:00 +0000

A man walks into the bathroom, and steps up to a urinal. He can't help but notice the short man at the urinal next to him, and the large penis this man has.

He says to the short man, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice what a large penis you have." The short man replies, "I am a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes."

The man is kind of skeptical, but he decides to believe him anyway. "OK, "He says, "I want to live in a mansion." The short man replies, "Sure. Tomorrow morning you will wake up in it."

The man says, "Next, I want a beautiful girlfriend." "OK, "the short man replies, "Tomorrow you will wake up next to her." The man is still not sure whether to believe him, but he continues.

"I want a penis as large as yours." "Alright, but the is one catch, the short man replies. "What's that, the man asks?" "I have to have sex with you from behind, the short man says.

The other man thinks for a second, and decides anything is worth getting a penis that large. "OK, go right ahead." The short man starts to do his thing, and the other man says, "I can't believe I'm gonna have a penis as big as yours."

The short man replies, "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun!"