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The World’s Funniest Real Ads

2009-05-25T02:45:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:

Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.

For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.

Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.

Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.

Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.

Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.

Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.

Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.

Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.

Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.

Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.

Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.

Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.

Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.

Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."

Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.

Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.

Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"

1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.

Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.

Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.

Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.

TWO OPPOSITE SUICIDES.

2008-05-20T07:33:00.000-07:00

funny politics hillary clinton barack obama media video music business gadgets internetSufiah yusuf genius child become a prostitute beauty surgery plastic britney spears paris hilton linsday lohan baverly hills hollywood sexy scandal

The Eyes

2008-05-13T07:39:00.000-07:00

Male's Eyes

2008-04-06T09:11:00.000-07:00

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usahawan muda internet jom seminar joerzoe syed ikhwan alang gobala krishnan yusry fuad latif news politics iraq barack obama hillary clinton music business video blogging technology western union adsense ]

The Best Method To Wash Jeans

2008-01-05T07:27:00.000-08:00

This time I just wanna share a joke from an email I got from my friend. Do you know how to perform the above subject correctly? Guess what? Well, the answer is after the jump :-)

10 Funny Quotes

2007-07-28T06:37:00.000-07:00

Favorite Funny Quote #1
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
Will Rogers
Favorite Funny Quote #2
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx

Favorite Funny Quote #3
I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
George Burns
Favorite Funny Quote #4
Coffee isn't my cup of tea.
Samuel Goldwyn
Favorite Funny Quote #5
I do benefits for all religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
Bob Hope
Favorite Funny Quote #6
Drawing on my fine command of the language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley
Favorite Funny Quote #7
The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.
Arthur Schopenhauer
Favorite Funny Quote #8
More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.
Robert Orben

Favorite Funny Quote #9
Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere.
G. K. Chesterton
Favorite Funny Quote #10
I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true.
Katherine Hepburn

Keep On Singing

2007-07-24T20:36:00.000-07:00

Like any good mother, when Karen found out that another baby was on the way, she did what she could to help her 3-year old son, Michael, prepare for a new sibling. They find out that the new baby is going to be a girl, and day after day, night after night, Michael sings to his sister in Mommy's tummy.

The pregnancy progresses normally for Karen, an active member of the Panther Creek United Methodist Church in Morristown,Tennessee. Then the labor pains come. Every five minutes every minute. But complications arise during delivery. Hours of labor. Would a C-section be required?

Finally, Michael's little sister is born. But she is in serious condition. With siren howling in the night, the ambulance rushes the infant to the neonatal intensive care unit at St. Mary's Hospital, Knoxville, Tennessee. The days inch by. The little girl gets worse. The pediatric specialist tells the parents, "There is very little hope. Be prepared for the worst."

Karen and her husband contact a local cemetery about a burial plot. They have fixed up a special room in their home for the new baby - now they plan a funeral.

Michael, keeps begging his parents to let him see his sister, "I want to sing to her," he says.

Week two in intensive care. It looks as if a funeral will come before the week is over. Michael keeps nagging about singing to his sister, but kids are never allowed in Intensive Care. But Karen makes up her mind. She will take Michael whether they like it or not. If he doesn't see his sister now, he may never see her alive.

She dresses him in an oversized scrub suit and marches him into ICU. He looks like a walking laundry basket, but the head nurse recognizes him as a child and bellows, "Get that kid out of here now! No children are allowed.

The mother rises up strong in Karen, and the usually mild-mannered lady glares steel-eyed into the head nurse's face, her lips a firm line. "He is not leaving until he sings to his sister!" Karen tows Michael to his sister's bedside. He gazes at the tiny infant losing the battle to live. And he begins to sing.

In the pure hearted voice of a 3-year-old, Michael sings: "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray --- "

Instantly the baby girl responds. The pulse rate becomes calm and steady.

Keep on singing, Michael.

"You never know, dear, how much I love you, Please don't take my sunshine away---"

The ragged, strained breathing becomes as smooth as a kitten's purr. Keep on singing, Michael.

"The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms..." Michael's little sister relaxes as rest, healing rest, seems to sweep over her. Keep on singing, Michael. Tears conquer the face of the bossy head nurse. Karen glows.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. Please don't, take my sunshine away."

Funeral plans are scrapped. The next, day-the very next day-the little girl is well enough to go home!

Woman's Day magazine called it "the miracle of a brother's song." The medical staff just called it a miracle.

Karen called it a miracle of God's love!

NEVER GIVE UP ON THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE

The Italian Journey

2007-07-22T04:03:00.000-07:00

"One day Ima go to No Fock, Virginia to a bigga hotel.
I go down to eat soma breakfast.
I tell the waitress I wanna two piss toast.
She branga me only onea piss, I tell her I wanna two piss, she say go to the
toilet.
I say you no understand.
I wanna two piss on my plate.
She say you better no piss on the plate you Sonna Ma Bitch.
I don't even know the lady and she call me Sonna Ma Bitch!"

A Case for More Beer

2007-06-08T01:19:00.001-07:00

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

A bugs

2007-06-08T01:18:00.001-07:00

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded. "Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

4 Sons

2007-06-08T01:17:00.000-07:00

These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

$200 Bucks

2007-06-08T01:16:00.000-07:00

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

" Hi, is Tony home?"

" No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

" No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Some Funny Pictures

2007-05-25T01:30:00.000-07:00

Look At His jeans

Argentina World Cup Team

How To Slim Without Diet

2007-05-24T02:29:00.000-07:00

Short Funny Stories

2007-05-23T05:12:00.000-07:00

Story 1

Five guys were on a plane...a kid, a preacher, a doctor, the captain, and a lawyer. The captain came on the P.A. system and says "Mayday, Mayday! We're going down and there is only four vests on the plane. You guys decide who's staying but I'm jumping now!!!" The doctor says "I've saved lives my whole life so I think that I should get one," so the doctor jumps. The lawyer says "I'm the smartest man in the world. I've solved over nine dozen cases so I'm jumpin' bye!" So the preacher goes up to the kid and says "I've lived a long and happy life and I know I'm going to heaven, so you take the last vest and go." The kid says "No, you grab this one and I'll grab the other one because the smartest man in the world just jumped with my book bag!!!!"

Story 2

There was a car full of nuns that were driving really slow. A police officer pulls them over and asked why they were going so slow. The head nun replies "Well, the sign over there says 23 and I was going 23 miles per hour." The officer says "No, thats the route number not the speed limit, you can go 55 miles per hour." The nun then says "Well that explains why the nuns were yelling at me earlier today." The officer asked why and the nun said "Well we just got off route 125!!"

Story 3

There once was a pirate who had a peg leg, a hook on his left hand, and a patch on his left eye. One day this pirate walked into a pub and sat down at the table beside a cabin boy. The cabin boy looks at him and said, "Hey mate, what happened to your leg, sir?" The pirate looked at him and said "AYE, I was leaning over to clean the side of me boat when I FELL into the water and a shark tore it off!" The cabin boy took a sip of his drink and looked back at the pirate's gleaming silver hook and said "Gee sir that sounds terrible, but what I would really like to know is what happened to yer hand?" The Pirate looked at him and looked back at his mug of ale and said," Aye, I was boarding another ship when some scaly landlubber cut it off with a razor sharp blade!"

Then the cabin boy looked at the pirates eye patch and asked, "Excuse me sir, but just one more question, what happened to your eye, I must know, oh please tell me?" The Pirate look kind of annoyed but answered anyway, he said, "It happened a long time ago when a seagull pooped in me eye and I tried to rub it out with me hook!"

Story 4

A frog walked into a bank to see the loan officer, Mr. Pattiwack. He said "Hi! My name is Kermit Jagger. I'm Mick Jagger's son, and I need a loan." So Mr. Pattiwack said "What do you have as collateral." Kermit said "I have a pink ceramic elephant." So Mr. Pattiwack walked into his boss's office and said "There is a frog out here named Kermit Jagger. All he has for collateral is a pink ceramic elephant and I don't know what that is!" So his boss said "It's a knick-knack Pattiwack give the frog a loan. His old man is a Rolling Stone."

Story 5

A chicken walks into a book store and says, "Book book book book book book." The person at the desk hands a book to the chicken and the chicken walks out. The next day the chicken walks into the book store again and says, "Book book book book book book." The person at the desk hands a book to the chicken and the chicken walks out. The same thing happens over and over and over through the week. The person at the desk starts to wonder what the chicken is doing with the books and he finally decides to follow the chicken next time. The next day the chicken walks into the store and says, "Book book book book book book." The guy behind the desk hands the chicken a book and the chicken walks out. The man follows the chicken into a forest with a long twisty path, after walking for a while the man comes to a pond and he sees the chicken and a frog. The chicken drops the book and says, "Book book book book book book." Then the frog says, "Read it, read it."

Funny Dance

2007-05-22T20:12:00.001-07:00

Hunt on for 'Chelsea' the Man U-hating parrot

2007-05-19T14:07:00.000-07:00

LONDON (AFP) - Police are hunting a blue-throated Amazon parrot called Chelsea who screeches when anyone mentions Manchester United, stolen from its owner's garden this week.
ADVERTISEMENT

The family pet, which is tame and able to tell people its name, was taken from a home in the English Midlands on Tuesday night, apparently after having been bundled into a towel stolen from the washing line.

"I think it was stolen to order ... I don't think someone would just steal a parrot for a pet," its owner Richard Threadgold told AFP, confirming that the bird emits a "high-pitched screech" when Manchester United is mentioned.

"We are avid Chelsea fans, that's how he got the name, and my son used to taunt it by saying 'Manchester United' at it every time he went past the cage," leading it to develop the unusual reaction, he said.

The family bought the bird five years ago for 600 pounds, and is considering offering a reward if no progress is made in finding it within the next few days, he said.

Police confirmed in a statement that the bird had been stolen sometime overnight Tuesday, adding that the family's car had also been broken into.

Threadgold said he hopes Chelsea's football-related verbal quirk will help detectives identify the bird -- and dismissed any suggestion that the thieves stole it because of its team affiliation.

"I don't think they would pinch our parrot just because of its banter," he said.

Spiderman WallPaper

2007-05-18T00:26:00.000-07:00

Strong Enough

2007-05-16T22:25:00.000-07:00

Funny Picture

2007-05-15T08:22:00.000-07:00

Look at his eyes!

Why Did the Chicken Cross The Road?

2007-04-20T22:25:00.000-07:00

What The Experts Had To Say...

Kindergarten teacher:
Because it wanted to get to the other side

Aristotle:
It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Ronald Reagan:
I forget.

Arthur Andersen (consultant):
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was
threatening it dominant market position. The
chicken was faced with significant challenges
create and develop the competences required for
the newly competitive market. Andersen, in a
partnering relationship with the client,helped the
chicken by rethinking its physical distribution
strategy and implementation processes. Using the
Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped
the chicken use its skills, methodologies,
knowledge, capital and experiences to align the
chicken people, processes and technology in
support of its overall strategy within a Program
Management framework.

Richard M. Nixon:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the
chicken did NOT cross the road.

Computer Programmer:
In order for the chicken to cross the road safely
they would need more than one driver to access the
server farm, if not they will hang in the middle
of the road.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't
anyone ever think to ask "What the heck was this
chicken doing walking around all over the place
anyway?"

Bill Gates:
I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000,
which will not only cross roads, but will lay
eggs, file your important documents, and balance
your checkbook.

Dr M (ex-malaysian prime minister):
You know, I am tired of all this...'apa-nama'
chicken-chicken bisnes...the foreign powers should
stop intervening in our domestic affairs and just
leave our chickens alone.. If they want to... 'apa
nama' cross the road, they should be allowed to
cross the road... Malaysia is a democratic
country; we let our chickens do whatever they want
to do... as long as they don't threaten the Malay
unity and try to topple the government...and if
they plan to do so... we won't hesitate to use the
ISA...

Pak Lah:
Ini semua adalah khabar angin sahaja...jangan
percaya khabar kabar angin ini semua... biasalah
ini adalah taktik pembangkang untuk memecah
belahkan perpaduan ayam-ayam semua... jangan
percaya... jangan percaya...

Sammy Vellu:
Ayyooyoo... belakang cerita lain kali, kita sude
bikin banyak jembatan, itu ayam musti guna
jembatan untuk lintas itu jalan lagi pun kalu itu
ayam mau pigi jalan-jalan, beritau sama saya juga,
saya bolley buat lebbey banyak toll........

Karam Singh Walia (tv3 malaysia):
Seperti yang saudara dapat lihat, kelihatan
ayam-ayam itu sedang melintas jalan. Mereka bukan
sahaja melintas jalan, malah membuang najis diatas
jalan dan ini adalah pencemaran yang paling hebat
di maya ini. Bapa-bapa dan ibu-ibu ayam haruslah
mengambil inisiatif untuk melatih ayam-ayam agar
menahan najis sewaktu melintas jalan, sekian saya
sudahi dengan.........Ayam di jalan di lintaskan;
Ayam di reban mati tak makan.

Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?

Bill Clinton:
I've had so many chicks, I can't remember...

Wan Kamarudin (NTV7's EDISI SIASAT malaysia):
Ape kejadahnyer ini semua, KL dah jadik reban
ayam, mak bapak ayam asyik menganga saje.

Zainal Ariffin Ismail (TV3's MISTERI NUSANTARA):
Ada saksi menyatakan yang mereka dapat melihat
ayam-ayam ini melintasi jalan-jalan di kampung ini
pada waktu malam. Ada yang menyatakan ayam-ayam
ini merupakan penyamaran jin. Dan ada juga
mengaitkan ia berkaitan dengan peristiwa silam di
kampung ini. Apakah sebenarnya maksud tersirat
ayam-ayam ini melintas jalan? Oleh itu saya
akhiri, "Jangan biarkan hidup anda diselubungi
misteri........."

Diceheraklo (CEO syarikat ayam nih)

"Ayam siapa kalau bukan ayam kita..."

What You Think?

2007-04-19T07:44:00.000-07:00

Wise says

Arnold Schwartznegger has a long one,
Michael J. Fox has a short one,
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it like everyone,
George W. Bush uses his one all the time.

What is it?

?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?

A last name... Were you thinking of something else?

Cow Bull

2007-04-19T03:11:00.000-07:00

A salesman's car breaks down, so he asks a farmer to let him spend the night, and the farmer agrees. In the middle of the night, the salesman wakes up and is really thirsty, so he decides to go to the barn and get some milk from a cow.

Soon, the farmer hears noises coming from the barn and goes to investigate. He then sees the salesman coming out of the barn-soaking wet and with a white liquid dripping down his face. The farmer asks, "What happened to you?" The salesman says, "I just got thirsty, so I milked your cow. It was so dark in there I don't know how I did it. But I'm telling you, that cow has great milk! I must have drank a gallon of it!"

The farmer then stares at him with a puzzled look and says, "But we don't have a cow. We just have a bull."

Road To The Hell

2007-04-18T04:26:00.000-07:00

u know u're going to hell if u:
forget ur mom's b'day;
park in the handicapped space;
own more than 1 ABBA record;
sell AMWAY to ur friends;
sleep with ur mother in law;
aspire to be a saint;
shout ur own name during sex

Erection Time

2007-04-18T00:02:00.000-07:00

Hello dear,

Since this is the first time I post,hopefully you all will entertained during visit at my blog.I just wanna to see your smile :)