Disappointed, the old farmer goes around the corner and stuffs Chuck down his overalls. He then returns to the booth, buys a ticket and enters the theater. He sits down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie is about to start when the rooster begins to squirm. The old farmer unbuttons his fly so Chuck can stick his head out and watch the movie.

“Marge” whispers Mildred, “I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”  “What makes you think so?” asks a shocked Marge.  “He undid his pants and he has his thing out.”  “Well, don’t worry about it” assures Marge, “at our age we’ve seen ‘em all.”  “I thought so, too” fires back Mildred, “but this one’s eating my popcorn!”

A fund-raising campaign was even started to build a new assembly. Time came when one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. “I have only one condition” he said. “At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.” The pastor gave his word and deposited the check. The next day at the funeral, the pastor carried out the rites. “He was an evil man” he said. “He cheated on his wife and abused his family. But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.”

“Lets be extra careful, honey,” the husband says. “If we damage that house over there, it’ll cost us a fortune.”

The wife nods, tees off, and- bang!- sends the ball through the window of the mansion.

“Jesus Christ,” the husband says, “I told you to watch out for that house. Alright, lets go up there, and apologize and see what the damage is.”

They walk up to the house and knock on the door.

“Come on in,” a voice in the house says.

The couple open the door and enter the foyer. The living room is a mess. There are pieces of glass all over the floor and a broken bottle near the window. A man sits on the couch.

When the couple enter the room, he gets up and asks,”Are you the ones who just broke my window?”

“Um, yeah,” the husband says, “Sorry about that.”

“Not at all, it’s me who has to thank you. I’m a genie and I was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. To show my gratitude I’m allowed to grant each of you a wish. But- I’ll require one favor in return.”

“Really? That’s great!” the husband says. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”

“No problem, that’s the least that I could do. And you, what do you want?” the Genie asks, looking at the wife.

“I want a house in every country of the world,” the wife says.

The Genie smiles, “Consider it done.”

“And what’s this favor we must grant in return, Genie?” the husband asks.

“Well since I’ve been trapped in that stupid bottle for the last thousand years, I haven’t had sex with a woman for a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”

The husband scratches his head, looks at the wife and says, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all of those houses, honey. I guess I’m fine with it if it’s alright with you.”

The Genie and the wife disappear in a room upstairs and make love for an hour, while the husband stays in the living room.

When they are done, the genie rolls over, and looks at the wife and asks, “How old is your husband exactly is your husband?”

“31,” she replies.

“And he still believes in genies? That’s amazing!”

The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful at disciplining children. So she asked if he would speak to her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to speak to them individually.

So, the mother sent the 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked very sternly, “Where is God?”

The boys mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question, “Where is God?”

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boys face and bellowed, “Where is God?!”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother gasping for breath, replied, “We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!”

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions (marked with an S) recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, “What size condoms?”

The customer replied that he didn’t know.

She asked him to drop his trousers, reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom: “One box of large condoms, Till 5″.

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us was up for a cheap thrill.  When he got up to the register, he told the cashier that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know.

She asked him to drop his trousers, gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom microphone and said: “One box of medium sized condoms, Till 5″.

A few customers back was this teenage boy.  He thought what he had seen was way too cool.  He had never had any type of sexual contact with a woman, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the checkout he told the girl he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn’t know.

She asked him to drop his trousers, reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the Intercom and said…

“Mop and bucket, till 5.”

Adam said “Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?”

God said “Go down into that valley”.

Adam replied “What’s a valley?”

God explained it to him.  Then He said “Cross the river”.

Adam said “What’s a river?”

God explained that to him too, and then said “Go over to the hill…”

Adam asked “What is a hill?”

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam “On the other side of the hill you will find a cave”.

Adam said “What’s a cave?”

After God explained, he said “In the cave you will find a woman”.

“What’s a woman?” asked Adam.

So God explained that to him too.  Then, God said “I want you to reproduce”.

Adam responded “How do I do that?”

God first said (under his breath), “Geez…..!”  And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.  Then, in about five minutes, he was back.  God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, “What is it now?”

And Adam said “What’s a headache?”

“Of course I won’t laugh,” the doctor said. “I’m a professional. In more than twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”

“Okay then,” Dan said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest willy the doctor had ever seen. It wasn’t any bigger than a triple A battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing hysterically. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

“I’m so sorry,” he said. “I really am. I don’t know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won’t happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?”

“It’s swollen,” Dan replied.

In ancient Greece (469 – 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.  One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, ‘Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?’

‘Wait a moment,” Socrates replied. ‘Before you tell me, I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Test of Three.’

‘Test of Three?’

‘That’s correct,’ Socrates continued. ‘Before you talk to me about my student, let’s take a moment to test what you’re going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?’

‘No,’ the man replied, ‘actually I just heard about it.’

‘All right,’ said Socrates. ‘So you don’t really know if it’s true or not.  Now let’s try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?’

‘No, to the contrary…’

‘So,’ Socrates continued, ‘you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?’

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, ‘You may still pass though because there is a third test, the filter of Usefulness.  Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?’

‘No, not really.’

‘Well,’ concluded Socrates, ‘if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?’

The man was defeated and ashamed, and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.