Journal, haphazardly

5 Differences b/w NYers & St. Louisians

noreply@blogger.com (E. For shoRt) — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 15:00:00 +0000

5. When its cold in NY, its freezing in St. Louis.
4. When its hot in NY, its blazing in St. Louis.
3. NY is the city that never sleeps and St. Louis closes promptly at 6pm.
-wtf is that about?
2. The only arch we have are the golden ones.
1. In NY Nelly songs don't play every 5mins on the radio.
-Seriously, this cat hasn't had a hit in how many yrs? Give it up.

Burning Up

noreply@blogger.com (E. For shoRt) — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 22:04:00 +0000

Journal, haphazardly recommends protecting yourself out there. No I'm not talking smoke detectors and fire insurance. I'm talking about STD insurance, condoms. Really ya'll need to stop playing out here...no, really. I'm not judging you because I've fell victim too. There is a growing raw epidemic. Fellas stop running streets without a raincoat. Ladies stop laying it down without a protection on the crown. What could possibly be a good reason to not use a condom?
"Oh E it just feels so much better, that's why I don't use them."

You know what also feels so much better, not having herpes. I don't care how many commercials they produce with pleasant smiling bike riding simplex 2 (herpes) infected people. Don't noooobody want that shit. I'm not going to lie: it does feel better without a condom. Unless you're in a monogamous relationship (marriage, etc.) then don't do it and there are some that would even argue against that and well, dammit I kind of agree. Sex already feels good, great in most cases. There is no amount of added pleasure that is worth the burning, blisters, embarrassment, contagion, and bicycle riding, that should warrant these types of activities.

"Those things feel weird inside me and he looks good. He had a positive vibe. I know he's a good guy."

Uhhh, OK. There are plenty of good people that are the subject of that Faith Evans song...Burning UP! How about I put it like this? The next time that good person or yourself convince each other the dirty Sanchez is better without a sombrero picture yourself with a revolver, you load one chamber with a bullet, spin the wheel, put the barrel to your vagina, and pull the trigger. You're playing Russian roulette with the pumpum and that should be a crime (when I wrote D.O.P., I didn't mean this). You’re playing a high risk game with minuscule reward and it’s simply not worth it.

"Yo son, I ran out of condoms. It was so good, damn. What choice did I have? You feel me."

Actually, I do not feel you and here is why: there are all types of acronyms that should be come to mind when you have thoughts like this. Let me spell it out: S-T-Ds, H-I-V, A-I-D-S, and K-I-Ds. All four is not what you’re expecting when you “run out of condoms” but choose to still do the hokey pokey instead of turning yourself around. E. For shoRt love the kids (k-i-ds), but let's keep it real, if your state of mind is on some condoms-ran-out-let-me-run-raw tip something tells me you aren't planning for children. My dad calls them little monsters. I don't know about that, but we call HIV the monster (no disrespect to my survivors, but I need to convey how real it is). Cold sweats and nightmares when you're waiting for those test results thinking of that monster grabbing you, the anticipation alone can kill and worth exercising self-control. To quote a famous scholar: "This for all my niggas out here that DO use a condom the first nut and then go raw all the other times. Where's the psychological sense in that player?! You need to wash your face, get your mind right." - Freeky Zeeky.
Heed the advice of Journal, haphazardly and be safe. If you need more motivation or something to put you on the right path during those heated moments google gonorrhea, then click on images link in the upper left, if the clap doesn't scare you straight...I don't know what will.

I am E. For shoRt and I approve this blog post. JH

Journal, Haphazardly mobile

noreply@blogger.com (E. For shoRt) — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 14:10:00 +0000

Journal, haphazardly has gone mobile. On your phone's browser go to http://bit.ly/JHmobile and you will be directed to the cellphone friendly version of JH. Another way: Facebook or email yourself this post, view it from your phone, click the link, and then add JH to your bookmarks...that simple. Actually you could make almost any site mobile, so if you have your own blog, website, etc you just have to add it to this long ass webpage: http://www.google.com/gwt/n?u=http://YourSiteHere. A few sites come to mind that I would like to convert with this new found information, but probably the most important genre of all those sites is porn.

Not So Single Guy's Guide to the Alley-Oop Gone Wrong

noreply@blogger.com (E. For shoRt) — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 21:57:00 +0000

In JH's second edition of the Not so Single Man, we shall be discussing the alley-oop gone terribly wrong. Please refer to the Wingman's Guide for Not So Single Guys as a reference to the alley-oop. The alley-oop goes wrong when a not so single man finds himself outside of the friendship zone and firmly in the let's get naked together zone. Under normal circumstances this zone is awesome and it still is, but this isn't the purpose of the Alley-Oop. The alley is supposed to firmly plant your friend in this zone, so how do you get out of it without looking like an ass? Well, it depends on your goal. An ok wingman would cut his losses and somehow find himself called away, hoping she either doesn't run into him again or someone else happens to engage her. A ~~good~~ legendary wingman will setup the ~~Trizzy~~ situation to still bring his friend into the Key with him. The Key, an explanation: see to successfully engage the alley-oop one already has to be on a scoring path; a successful alley transfers the scoring path to a friend prior to the score, i.e. the let's get naked together zone. The Key is the small perimeter right before the score. Once at the Key you're already home. All you have to do is stuff that bad boy in the hole. Hence, why they have 3 second violations because if you're not scoring in the Key the ball needs to be turned over to the other team because clearly you're wilding, a fool, or a novice. I digress, to bring your friend into the Key requires you to work extra hard. By this point it's apparent you didn't follow my advice about keeping it light, which for this part of the play will work in your favor. You and the scorer (friend), i.e. the point, will have to pull off one of the greatest double team efforts ever. Full court pressure, crashing boards, double teaming in the paint type effort to save this game and bring the team to glory. Also, the point has to be strong. If you were trying to setup a point who is weak on plays, this will not work. You can't have a wingman messing up plays and a point who isn't great, that would require a third (the rolloff) or even fourth (the pick) man and those instructions can't even be written because its so confusing. Not to mention, very few have pulled it off. So to make this happen, you both have to go IN. You both have to have your game face on and put forth the effort as if you are both trying to score, but not in a hating step-on-each-other's-shoes type of way but in a we both like you and we're comfortable just both kicking it with you kind of way. As wingman the most effective way to bring the point to the key is to bounce your "game" off of him. Your jokes, compliments, and conversation have to work him in effectively enough to allow him to start leading and bouncing off of you. For example you're telling a funny story "Yo friend remember that time we..."; you start the story, he completes it, she laughs. Repeat a few more times in various clever ways and then he leads the joke, convo, whatever. Mix the two up to the point where she likes you both so much, both of you are in the key ~~Triz?~~, but its not that type of party so how do you know you're both in the Key...she invites a friend over. There it is! But, she has to really INvite her friend over. Stipulations for the INvite: 1)the friend has to be as fly as her 2)the invite has to be prepped with a quick private conversation 3)if not a quick convo, a brief break to the bathroom together 4)the friend cannot be a hater, which means she doesn't goal tend, engages in the conversation in a positive fashion, and generally has a good attitude. Number 4 is usu. the case when number 1 is in action. Now, either one of you can easily convert to the let's get naked together zone. She wants one of you to make a move, but she doesn't want the other to either a) feel left out and/or b) go to waste. Therefore, she brings her friend into play so that the four of you can naturally pair off. A good point will naturally start making the appropriate moves on the original subject (unless he is confused or greedy and makes a move on the friend, which will be explained in later Not So Single Posts). The wingman, that's you, takes your queue talks with the friend a bit...let's take a break here, Huddle Up- you are only speaking with her for a few (and only a few) because we know what got you here in the first place, if you start a meaningful conversation, that thing is going to go off inside of you that makes you start moving the play to the Key ... grab a drink with her or (notice no "and/or" here, only OR) maybe dance to 1-1.5 songs, then peace out. The point should have taken care of business by now either with a number, a walk outside, or whatever circumstances allow for in a scoring situation. What separates ordinary wingmen from Legendary Wingmen is in the face of failure giving up is not an option and converting under any circumstances. Alley-oop still engaged.

I am E. For shoRt and I approve this blog post.

D.O.P. Death of Pumpum

noreply@blogger.com (E. For shoRt) — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 01:43:00 +0000

“Only piper to rewrite history without a pen,
Young Clymont on the track let the story begin, begin, begin”

(chorus)
This is pro pumpum, death of the softstroke, this ain’t for lovemaking, this ain’t for the quiet storm,
This is Peter Griffin at the alter, bring a blonde, preferably with a fat ass who can take a bone, wrong,
This aint vaginally correct, Ugh
this might offend my vagina monologue connects,Ugh
My strokes don’t have melodies, this should make Trizzers wanna go and run up in shorties, Ugh
Get your girl donk slayed, I may do it myself - I’m so Bronx crazed
I know we facing a Pussy recession, but the sex y’all doing make it the great depression.
All y’all lack aggression pull her skirt up, go In my good men.
Yeah this just violent (no rape), this is the death of Pumpum, moment of silence.

(Chorus)
This ain’t sweet caressing, this is practically assault with a deadly weapon,
I made it just for Gyal and fat boxes I want snatches to feel threatened
Stop your bloodclot crying, the mom, the daughter every pumpum dying, no lying,
You boys jeans too tight, you colors too bright, treating dat thang too nice
I might be in the box for a year straight, I might bring back churning buttah!
This ain’t for Cinemax, Dip told me to kill da cunts to keep it 1 hundred,
This is for Bang Bus, for Pinky we the best’n,
Yeah this is just violent, death of PumPum moment of silence.

(Chorus)
This might need a verse from Fitzy, I might send this to the No-Condom Mikey,
Get somebody from G-bloc to talk on this, give this to a kappa let a Alpha stroll on it,
Usson thou to style on this, I just don’t need nobody to smile on this,
You cats are puttin it on a pedestal too much, get back to Beatin it up you Jonathan-ing too much.
I’m wifed-up so how is it I’m still the hardest here,
I don’t be in the strip club hallway talking about how I be in the pumpum all day
That sound stupid to me, if you a gangsta this is how you prove it to me.
Yeah just get violent, this Death of Pumpum moment of silence.

Man Law 37

noreply@blogger.com (E. For shoRt) — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 13:35:00 +0000

#37 Expunge it, Explore it, Dig it out; Vagina is a commodity...Go IN
Section 1: Vagina treatment
a) Vagina is a wonderful natural resource that is perfect for manly cultivation and as a man it is your duty to do so...

Section 3: War & Vagina
...
c) Like any commodity Vagina is worth going to war over under the proper circumstances. See Rule 50, section 6, paragraph E for rules of engagement...

Section 4: Never Waste Vagina
...
b) All Holidays must be observed with a healthy portion of Vagina including but not limited to Father's Day (even if you don't have children of your own), Birthdays (even if its not your birthday, maybe its your friend's Birthday or even Lincoln's for that matter), Ground Hog's Day, etc...

All rights and permissions approved for redistribution on Journal, haphazardly by the Manly Commission

Exercises for Real World Sh*t: The Dub

noreply@blogger.com (E. For shoRt) — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 21:42:00 +0000

It dawned on me the other day after my PLM post about some gym idiots that not enough people know how to exercise not only properly, but also for some real world sh*t. No I'm not talking about forest fires, because if your a fire fighter you probably already got your regimen down. I'm talking about the average NSSG (not so single guy/gal), who may not understand the purpose of certain movements in the gym. So Journal, haphazardly will be doing a 5 part series on Exercises for Real World Sh*t starting with the DUB.
For those of you that don't know what a Dub is: first let me say it goes by many names by different cultures, second you've probably already practiced it, and third no party can be considered half way decent without it. The DUB is a close dance where most of the action takes place in the...pelvic region, if you will. There are several types of DUBs: the juke, the slow wine, the ben ova-ben ova-ben ova (pictured), the jump & wine (one of my favorites), etc. The list goes on and on but the fundamentals remain the same, which is why there are a couple of key excercises that are applicable to all DUB categories.
1)Squat- Quads & Glutes the foundation of any great DUBbing. NSSGuy needs strong thighs because when a NSSGal pushes back the strong glutes, flexing one's quads is what keeps one balanced and prevents the pushback. The main goal of every DUB is to stay attached, i.e. the DUBbing partners are to mirror each others movements (kind of).
2) Deadlifts- Back & Hamstrings "Backbone strong like the Rock of Gilbraltar"- Bounty Killer. The back by either party is not to be neglected as it is vital for a ~~good~~ great DUB. Speaking as a person who has experienced a slipped disc, trust me a weak back adversely affects the DUB session. The back acts as a stabilizer ensuring the DUB doesn't go off track. Sometimes things can get a little wild (Whooooooyyyyyy). Other times one person may get/be off beat. The back is what keep these things in line. The back also acts as a fail over, when the quads are weak or you do not know the proper execution of these muscles during the DUB; the back steps up and takes/makes (NSSGuy/Gal, respectively) the force necessary for an excellent DUB.
Journal, haphazardly hopes you've found this information enlightening, but more importantly have now found good use for time in the gym to Exercise for Some Real World Sh*t.

I am E. For shoRt and I approve this blog post.

Don't Trust a Ho

noreply@blogger.com (E. For shoRt) — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 00:14:00 +0000

Be cordial, be polite, but don't trust a ho. Don't judge a ho either. If you're a ho be a good ho, but I don't trust you. Let's be clear a ho can be a man or a woman, some may argue more men than women (I wouldn't but let's save that for another day). Men should never trust a ho based on their sexual preference, i.e. if you like dudes and the one you like is a ho, don't put your faith in him. Women can't trust ho's no matter the circumstance. Sorry ladies, but its true. If you're friend is a ho, LOOKOUT. She is trying to get with your man/woman not now, but right now as you're reading this. 'She's been my friend for years now and despite her lifestyle she is a good person.' No one said anything about her being bad or good. I said trusting that ho. She has slept with at least half of your boyfriends either while you were with them or as soon as you broke up with them. And by 'as soon' I mean you called her crying me and such& such just broke up and while you were still pouring your heart out over the phone she was hopping in the car on the way to his house. She didn't even change her clothes or check to see if he was home. She just going over there to circle the block and see is he is nearby to get it in. She has definitely flirted with 100% of the men you are vaguely interested in and made a pass at most of them. Am I saying you can't be friends with a ho? Well, if you don't mind not trusting your friends around people you like then that's not what I'm saying. The friend-ho is bad the man-ho is no different.
You definitely can't change a man-ho into a house-husband. It’s not happening. If he gets the chance, which he will, a man-whore will snatch up some snatch before you can blink twice. Oh, he's changed you say. He's not as immature as he used to be and he loves you. Word? Just because a ho loves you doesn't mean that he is going to stop tricking. A ho is a ho, is a ho. Church can I get an amen? AMEN!
There are cheating ass men, men that have cheated, and ho's (this is by no means an exhaustive list of all types of men). 3 different things. Men that have cheated may have done it once or twice, had a bad relationship, going through a Jekyll & Hyde phase, or something like that. Cheating ass men...cheat, that's what they do. They actually get into a relationship knowing damn well they're going to cheat. I think they actually may even start a monogamous relationship just so they can cheat. A ho has no business in a relationship and knows that and was perfectly fine ho-ing until you came around and decided ho-ship shall no longer be his occupation. C'mon now, you met him through a friend he that you knew he was having sex with in a club that you saw him leave with another girl. Not to mention all the rumors and stories you heard about him through pretty much everyone. What 'usually' distinguishes a man-whore from a man dating is mo's (man+ho =mo) whole operative is based on deception.
Their like the James bonds of potential STDs. That's right I said it- STDs. Based on no surveyical (you like that word, I know) information, 90% of mo's have, are, or will be burning. It’s an unproven fact; ask your male-ho-friend. If he hesitates then he is about to lie (see mo's deceive) and yes he had one. If he doesn't hesitate then he's lying and currently has one or will be burning by the end of this blog post. This isn't a men bashing article, this is a don't trust that ho *EPA*warning and there are plenty of women ho's.
Fellas don't, that's all I have to say...just don't. Don't trust a ho as far as you can throw her. And if she's some small itty bitty ho and you're a big brolic dude, then don't use that metaphor use something else that signals distrust. 'Yo man, I know she piped the whole team, my cousin, and gimp-leg Larry from down the block but things is different now.' What's different? Larry's leg is still gimpy and she's still a ho. 'She's been through a lot, nah mean; her uncle did bad things to her when she was younger and her ex-boyfriend did this or that.' I'm really sorry to hear that and those are terrible things, but ummm I'm not really talking about the causes of ho-ship or what pushed said ho into ho-dom. It’s clear at this moment she is a ho and a ho is going to do a ho's work, i.e. Ho-ing. Meaning she got a titty in someone's face at this very moment. Turn around, QUICK! She just flashed your dad and you didn't even notice it. Am I saying ho's don't deserve love? If you don't mind either a) putting GPS on her, watching her every move like a crazed jealous lover, which I might add Michael Strahan did but like any good she-ho, she is great at the art of deception so was still able to love de next man's buddy or B) throw trust to the wind, not care she's doing everybody and you're going to love her for who she is...riiight. Well, if either of those seems like decent choices then no I'm not saying ho's don't deserve love. What I am saying is: don't trust a ho.

Ego Exercises: Plasma, Lava, Magma

noreply@blogger.com (E. For shoRt) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 21:43:00 +0000

"I'm hotter than Plasma, Lava, Magma!"- SouljaBoy Tellem
In our second edition of PLM on JH (Journal haphazardly), all things that THINK they're hot but really are NOT, we touch upon fools at the gym clearly working out their ego instead of their muscle. So I'm in the gym today and there are a group of dudes making up their own exercise on one of the machines, which you know is whatever...fine. The issue is like any stereotypical group of men making up stuff in the gym they're wilding! Doing all types of extraneous, dangerous, and unnecessary shyt. They're primary goal is to make an impression, which they are, but mostly everyone in the gym is looking at them with the smh (shaking my head) expression. I know one of them hurt his back today. He tried to play it off, but he knows that I know he messed up. I saw him take that too heavy weight and overextend his back. I thought to myself, "Seriously? You look like an ass." The funny part is he caught my "you look like an ass" face mid-wince and tried to parlay it like he wasn't in terrible pain. Mm-hmm, whatever you say buddy.

Verizon F'd Sprint Customers

noreply@blogger.com (E. For shoRt) — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 18:17:00 +0000

Those greedy bastards at Verizon once again made a smartphone maker, RIM, nix Wi-Fi from another phone, i.e. the Blackberry Tour. I'm a sprint customer so why should I care that Verizon always makes wi-fi unavailable, because Verizon & Sprint are both on CDMA networks, which means a lot of times they get the same phones. Verizon, I'm sure, told RIM not to include wi-fi in their new phone as a part of their greedy data model and RIM definitely wasn't going to make two versions of the same phone, so Sprint got stuck with an un-wifi version. Verizon please cut this crap out. You're messing it up for all of us.

5 Differences b/w NYers & Torontonians

noreply@blogger.com (E. For shoRt) — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 03:40:00 +0000

5. NYers (me) say "about" the right way

-Its uh-bout not "uh-boot".
4. NYers say "process" the wrong way.
-Its PRO-ses not "praah-sess".
3. NYers jay walk.
-We've got places to be or we're just impatient bastards
2. NYers honk when the light is yellow.
-OK, maybe we are impatient.
1. NYers don't say Eh (Aye) after every word.
-Which also differs us from OJ da Juiceman.

Prostitutes Need Braces Too

noreply@blogger.com (E. For shoRt) — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 18:26:00 +0000

Cathouse, the show, is crazy: Cross dressing dude that digs on chicks and these working girls are loving him right now, but wait that's not the wild part. What's really crazy is this one girl's grill. Her teeth are ill, not sick. Like why would anyone...OK look I'm not trying to be mean or judgemental. Well, actually I am being judgemental but if you're in the business of selling yourself shouldn't your product be the best. She gets 600 & up per "party". C'mon now braces don't cost that much, esp. the "up" part of the 600. You've got to reinvest in your business and if the facade of it is yellowing from age and has a bunch of holes in it, how do you expect to make maximum profit?
Apparently, my thoughts on the subject are completely incorrect because even with the product's facade falling to pieces she was raking in the dollars. But, think of the ROI if she got some metal in her mouth to straighten dem boys. I'm just saying...

A Return to Facebook?

noreply@blogger.com (E. For shoRt) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 13:41:00 +0000

The book of faces or as I refer to it the FBI- face book investigation is full of stalkers, narcissists, closeplayers and people trying to get their e-macking on
(e-macking: electronic game; getting the digits, digitally. disambiguation Mack-e: me, i.e. E. For short).
Its not all bad, of course, else so many wouldn't use it. A great way to keep in contact with people, esp. those one normally wouldn't reach out to as much. Branding like none other, except maybe twitter. The narcissistic part happens when you are branding but you don't have a company, look it up. I too was once an avid facebook user, way back when Mark Zuckerberg used to write on your wall if you sent him a message. Nah, I'm lying but it was a few years ago.
Recently, I found myself and others asking me to come back. -Others-its not like I'm some super popular guy just some friends & family that want to see a picture or two and reach out to touch me, I guess. It would be nice to be back in the nexus of communication. Staying in touch, keeping abreast of people's major events (babies, weddings, drunk wall posts?), seeing pictures of places I couldn't make it to, etc. On the other hand, I feel like I just can't be bothered. Seriously, I don't need a whole bunch of e-friends wishing me a happy birthday, a date they wouldn't even know if I didn't put it on blast. I wouldn't know where to start anyway. FBI has changed so much since I left. I left right before they came out with applications: honesty boxes, dogs that crap on your page, whatever other dumb stuff ppl had.
I was in my senior (or was it jr. I drank a lot back then) year when fb started. I was reluctant to join then too.
"Yo son, you should join facebook"
"What is it?"
"It's like Black planet/myspace but for college students and its looks better"(wow side note remember Blackplanet).
"I'm not on either one of those shyts why would I join this?"
"Because there are mad shorties on there"
"E-macking?"
"Huh?"
"Nevermind, thanks but I'm good"
A month or so later I succumbed. My main hurdle, privacy, was crossed when a friend showed me all the settings after weeks of people telling me I had to join. Once I did, I went in..."Tag Me". Argghh, those 2 words are now the most annoying thing to me now. I left shortly after graduating, because I saw no purpose for it. Then, I started a promotion company and the usefulness of facebook fully came to light and I was back in. Anyway, promoting stopped as well as e-macking. The greatest thing to come out of fbi is some random girl sending me a message, who later made me a happy not-so-single-guy. The usefulness was no longer there. I left.
I didn't need that anymore. The Internet made shorties bold! They would straight holla at you like dudes in a party would do to women. All types of reckless posts and messages. And I heard about some wild honesty box stories. Temptation is a mother. Not to mention I know of people who didn't get jobs, been fired, and expelled because of stuff done on FBI because cats were investigating. All your government you just put that shit up for the world to see. Oh, you called in sick from work but a friend tagged you at the beach with them that day, under the an album named Hooky no less. Your work e-friend then gets an update about the tag, who happens to be buddies with your boss. He mentions it to the boss in passing not on purpose maybe even as a joke, like such and such looked hot in that bikini. Your boss awkwardly laughs it off and then he thinks wait didn't that mofo call out sick that day. It was her 11th sick day. Got'em! Why would I go back to that?
On the other hand, I do have a twitter account, this blog, and I go through customs with a registered retina scan so if they really wanted to get at me they could. My info is all over the cloud. I can't do any type of crime work. I might as well re-open the account. Nope! I have plenty reasons but the main one: Tag Me!
How about I kill you? All jokes aside, tagging will be the downfall of mankind as we know it. Too many dudes have been caught up. Not to mention I don't like the way it sounds when people say it. The burliest of men make this higher pitched voice when they say it. Why? I don't know, but its ridiculous. I know I was there; I'm standing next to you posing. I don't later need to be tagged in the picture to be reminded. The other day I'm in the club catching some dubs (dub- dance, usu. incl. a [nice] whine) and I get blinded by the flashing lights. The girl says Tag Me. Hold up, notice I said the girl, i.e. not my girl. Yes I dance with other women in the club. Yes my not-so-single-woman knows, but she doesn't want to see pics of the shyt. I know she is dancing with other dudes at parties and I definitely don't want to see a multimedia documentary on the event. My response was Tag Deez and delete that pic. It was deleted and we took a normal pic afterwards.
"Can I say tag me, now?"
"Sure, go for it."

-What do you think I am bugging should I come back OR should I continue to fight the power? Let me know your thoughts in the comments section.-

Wingman Guide for Not So Single Guys

noreply@blogger.com (E. For shoRt) — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 13:35:00 +0000

As a Not so Single Guy your position changes on the team. You can no longer be the center, dunking and crashing boards. You have to be more of a point guard, setting up plays and making assists. This is the art of the Wingman. The greatest assist a wingman can do is the alley-oop. Beautiful and barbaric at the sametime, the graceful glide followed by a colleague banging the basket. When done right is an awesome sight and when done wrong can lead to many problems. See the ally-oop for the not-so-single-man is the highest achievement because he runs the play all the way to the brink of a score but then puts it in the hands of a well placed teammate. A further explanation for the lay person: You and a group of friends go to a club. You all do normal club things: drink, dance, socialize, etc. Everyone plays their position switching from scorer to wingman accordingly. However, as a not-so-single-guy you can't score, you can't get a number, kiss a random shorty, grab a booty, or go home with a girl (I think I missed one example, but you get the point), so you play wingman all night. Since, your sole role is wingman status you can't be a mediocre wingman like your single pals, you've got to go IN. Not to mention you know your skills and you could easily be doing much more than assisting as a matter of fact, despite your efforts somehow you ended up on a scoring path. Scoring path- when two people meet and cross over the brink of idle chit-chat to purposefully driven information gathering. The goal of the information gathering is a comfort zone, because you can't score unless your new lady-friend is comfortable. I digress, when a not-so-single-guy finds himself on the scoring path there are two options 1) awkwardly back out of it making yourself look sus (pronounced sus like from the word sus-pect) or 2)engage alley-oop style.
Option 2: One would carry out all interactions during this scoring path as if you were single but you bring down the intensity to about 55%-60%. Make her laugh but not too much and not too hard, touch her while talking but not too long and be certain to avoid certain key areas like the thigh and/or hand, and above all keep it light, i.e. don't lay on the lines. Ok her eyes are beautiful, but don't say that shyt! Else that's it, you're done. Now I know what you're thinking, women don't fall for that line. Your right they don't, but if you really mean it, it's true, and you say it at the right time trust me it works 60% of the time everytime...j/k it works because its honest. Anyway, if you say something like that the scoring path will be solidified and now you have a problem (which will be explained in later Not So Single posts). So to avoid any issues for goodness sake keep it light. Not keeping it light is the number 1 problem for most not-so-single-men, esp. those that are relatively new to not so singleness and/or those that put massive points up on the board in a previous life.
Once you've kept it light enough to get to the comfort zone you now have to inconspicuously slide in your buddy. There are a few ways to do this. Easiest way slip him in is through a shared funny story, ask for his input, and give him the signal. Every man knows the signal, so no need for explanation. You've now transferred comfortability from yourself to your peer. You say one more diluted clever thing, he follows up with a higher intensity 75%-80% insight-joke-whatever, and you're nearly there. Now, you must step away and allow him to bring it home.
How do you bring it home? Keep it simple...excuse yourself. The excuse has to be final, not an excuse me I'll be right back but an excuse me it was a pleasure speaking with you I got to take care of ____ for a few. Alley-oop, inevitable.

Sailing the Hudson

noreply@blogger.com (E. For shoRt) — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 01:52:00 +0000

Soggy socks and some of the effects of seasickness. I would still do it again. How many people could say they sailed the hudson to the statue of liberty? Statistically speaking based on absolutely no research probably .05% in my income bracket (read def not enough $ to even be associated w/the type of people that own boats). I still know nothing, really...but I know 100% more than I did before. At this rate I could be considered a sailor by the end of the summer. If I went everyday and by rate I mean I learned 100% new stuff everytime... statistically speaking.

Rejoice No Children on MTA

noreply@blogger.com (E. For shoRt) — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 11:13:00 +0000

This friday Teachers won't be the only ones celebrating but so will every poor soul searching for a seat during their daily commute. The last day of school quickly approaches, which means the kiddies shall not be getting up early to assist in the overcrowding of the morning commute or taking over the afternoon bus with rowdy restlessness. The train gets a little roomier each day we get closer to d-day. I shall raise a glass with all my teacher friends this friday not because those bastards have the entire summer off, but because I can almost gaurantee myself an extra half hour of sleep during my commute every morning.

Plasma, Lava, Magma: Cheeks

noreply@blogger.com (E. For shoRt) — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 13:01:00 +0000

"I'm hotter than Plasma, Lava, Magma!"- Soulja Boy Tellem
My plasma, lava, magma posts are dedicated to all things that think they're hot/interesting but really are not. In this introductory edition of PLM, I would like to address men/boys that wear extremely tight pants strategically worn below their ass. Am I the only one that sees this as a problem? Maybe I'm getting old OR maybe I don't want to see men buttcheeks covered by a thin layer of boxer cotton. C'mon seriously you can't be a hardrock with your booty out. Unless, your on some Omar tip from the wire, but I never saw him thugging with his gluteals exposed. You know what is even more frustrating your sitting on the train and some teenager comes on with his pants so low and tight, that the bottom part of his boxers are phlaming (I just made that word up) in the wind, he sits down in the seat next to you straight butt out. You begin to think to yourself, "Yo whoever is going to sit in that seat next will never know that they have straight ass flakes on their clothes or how close they've come to manbutt." Which, further makes me think "Well who was sitting in this seat before me? Am I a victim and don't know it?" I appeal to all tight pants wearers please belt up above or at the waist.

My Horrible Experience with Wirefly

noreply@blogger.com (E. For shoRt) — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 04:48:00 +0000

My Horrible Experience with Wirefly & AT&T.

A back story to my experience: I've been a Sprint customer for a bit more than 3years and during that time have had a Palm Treo. I've never had an issue except for the fact that I was getting tired of this old palm and anxious to get a pre. However, my job requires me to have a Blackberry and with my work bringing me to Canada frequently neither Sprint nor Palm were cutting it anymore. Whenever I went to Canada I had to carry both my Treo and my work Blackberry. I was paying Sprint $2.99 extra a month plus .20min for calls made in Canada. I could not use any internet or email on my own device because Sprint doesn't have a data plan for Canada. I looked crazy making business calls on my palm Treo and checking stock quotes on my Bloomberg for Blackberry. Work made the enticing offer of paying for my cell phone bill if I took some old 8830 Blackberry under an AT&T plan.
I didn't want to go from an old 3G palm Treo to an even older 2G 8830, so I opted to buy my own Bold and have them pay the monthly bill. Perfect plan, right? Wrong!

The awfulness begins: AT&T (at the time) had the bold for 299.99 (basically $300), but Wirefly.com had the Bold for 162 and change all in, no activation fee, and including taxes. This was a no brainer, so I order the phone and put in the request to port my sprint number to a new AT&T account. I get the phone the next day. However, wirefly's technology is so archaic that they cannot port the number when you call in and they don't allow you to call AT&T to activate. They say your number should be activated and ported within 5 days, except customer service couldn't tell me which day during this 5 day range so again I had to lug around 2 fairly large smartphones.
Day 5 hmmm, phone still isn't on. The customer service rep promised my phone will be on by today. I am traveling to Canada internationally. It will be a good idea for this porting to take place before this. Not only is it important to have a phone when traveling, but also I still have to call AT&T afterwards to add all the internal roaming and data plans since this couldn't be done through Wirefly. I call customer service. Ring, ring.

This is where it starts to get fun: Customer service says the porting should be done by now. I agree. They hang up on me 3 times and finally I get someone who seems to know what they're doing. I restart my sprint phone and I see that it is no longer working. OK, great so now when I turn on my new AT&T Bold it should be on. Yep, any minute now those bars should come up. More bars than anywhere else is the motto. "Why is the phone not working customer support person?" They aren't sure and they have to send this to escalated support that won't be able to look at this request for 24hours. What?! 24hrs are you serious, so what am I supposed to do while on the road. "We apologize for the inconvenience." Wirefly is very good at apologizing for the inconvenience but as this story will prove they do nothing about it. I got so tired of them apologizing I had to ask them to stop. So, will you reimburse me for a day's worth of service that I am paying for but am not getting? We apologize for the inconvenience but we will not be able to do this. Why? No answer….

In the clear: Eventually the phone turns on, I add my international plans, and I start playing with the phone and in the next few days this bad service leaves my thoughts. Not a big deal. I am happy with my new Bold. It's really an awesome phone, so I am good. *Java Error* *java Script* *Code debug*. What is this crap?! Click ok, ok, ok again; ok one more time…applications disappear from my screen. Reset the phone once, twice, pull the battery out. OK back to normal, maybe just a bug. 2 days later my phone is on vibrate and I get a text message during a meeting and it lets out a loud thunder sound (sounds courtesy of crackberry.com). I furiously fumble with my phone trying to turn it off. I step out check the profiles…The text messages are on vibrate. What the hell? Maybe it’s a fluke. Go back into the meeting. The speaker is talking and gets to one of the more important parts BOOM-storm crackle thunder crack- (that's the sound effect by the way). I excuse myself again. Now I am upset. I rush to the AT&T store. Hi can I help you? Yeah, wtf is wrong with my phone; it keeps making sounds when it is on vibrate.

AT&T's garbage: We apologize for the inconvenience. Argghh if I hear that one more time. Don't worry about it sir go right to the repair store on 34th street and they'll swap it out for you no problem. But, it shows there is one on 42nd that is closer. Yeah but no one goes to 34th so it will be quicker. Really? Yes trust me sir. All the way downtown and cross-town to the Westside I go. Get to the service center 25min trip, 15min wait, Felix at the center pulls up my account (by the way, the guy at the AT&T store should've pulled up my account but neglected to).
Oh, you just got this phone a week ago. Yes, why is there a problem. Man all we can give is refurbished phones. I don't want a refurb when I just spent all this money on a brand new phone that doesn't work. Felix agrees. He says go back to the AT&T store with my box, receipt, and everything tomorrow and explain to the manager that I want a new phone. You sure? Yea man they'll take care of you. Thanks a lot Felix.
Next day: we can't replace this phone. Excuse me? You bought this phone through a 3rd party vendor so you have to go through them to return the phone. Expletive, Mother Expletive.

No Phone, Again: By this time I have already turned in my work Blackberry and by me sending in the phone I have no access to any communication. Oh and guess what I am traveling again. I ask Wirefly again about reimbursing me for the time I am paying for but not receiving service and guess what their answer is: We apologize for… I officially hate these people. I send the phone via FedEx prepaid packaging slip Thurs June 11th. I go on a personal trip and that same day I make a promise to myself that if the phone is not at my house by the time I return on Sun June 14th, 4 days later, I am going to cancel my order through Crapfly (aka Wirefly) and get the phone directly through AT&T.
AT&T made more sense at this point because it was obvious Crapfly only had "sorrys" with no service and AT&T started offering the Bold at 199.99 a couple of days after I bought it through Wirefly. Sunday rolls around no phone. Ok I will call tomorrow to cancel my order, but I have to check with AT&T 1st if I could just keep my account.

Here is where the real Fun begins: I call AT&T at approx 9am and I don't get off the phone with them until 10:30am. At the same time I am in an electronic chat with Wirefly customer service determining if I will get a full refund if I cancel my order at this point. I call AT&T customer service, the 1st rep is helpful, and He passes me to sales. The sales rep is not helpful, he passed me to SSG. SSG is the department that handles people's accounts who have been open less than 30 days. The sales rep doesn't even bother to re-explain this long drawn out situation to the SSG rep so I have to tell my story again: I am cancelling my order with Crapfly for a Bold which will cancel my service with AT&T. However, I would like to keep my account with AT&T because I want the Bold at the 2year new plan discount rate and I need to keep my ported number. Try explaining that to your average customer service rep. Ok now try explaining that 4 different times, because the SSG rep couldn't help me and she passed me back to Sales. Sales then passed me to Jeanette in the porting dept. Jeanette was helpful. She began a conference call between us and Sprint's porting dept. The resolution was temporarily port my number back to Sprint under a friend's account as an additional line so as not to start a new 2 year agreement and then go to an AT&T wireless store and get the number ported back by reactivating my new account and getting the Bold at the 199.99 rate. Did you catch all of that?

I'm Done: Sprint ports the number quicker than they say they would. Sir it will be 24-48 hours before the port is completed. It's done in 2 hours. It boggles my mind why Sprint is losing so many subscribers. I go to the AT&T store the next day, explain my issue to the sales service rep, and start the process of porting my number. Here is where I messed up, I had my number ported on to a family member's account that lives 3 hours behind and just getting into work by the time I walked into the store requiring all types of personal information: account number, password, social security, panty size, etc. As I am waiting to get all this info the rep starts telling me how a lot of people have had issues getting their mail-in rebate back for the Bold and how some guy came in yesterday who applied for his rebate in Feb and still hasn't got it, blah, blah, blah. And, while she is "blah, blah, blah-ing" I start thinking to myself do I really want to deal with more BS. I let it roll off my back and think I've come this far don't let this woman's diarrhea of the mouth stop you. But, then in the middle of me going against my gut feeling she breaks the final straw.
She starts pulling accessories of the wall, "Oh and you'll need a cradle and an extra battery, and…
"Wait, wait, wait is this stuff free?
It'll be the same price as I didn't give it to you."
"I don't understand."
"Well I'm going to give you the value of the rebate in accessories in case you don't get it."
"Get the rebate?"
"Yeah, so you won't have to worry about it."
"Are you f@c&ing kidding me, after all the sh!t I just been through you want me to pay $299.99 for this phone and your giving me a bunch crap I don't need that AT&T says equals $100 but eBay says equals $30?"
Ok, so I didn't say the last part but I thought it in my head and it almost made it out of my mouth. Instead what I really said was, "I don't need any accessories, I want the Bold at 199.99, and after all the stuff I just been through I can't even start to think about not getting back a rebate. I appreciate your honesty, but I am not going to proceed with the porting at this time. Thanks, I'll stick with Sprint." And, I walked out.

Conclusion: This saga is far from over as I now need to get back on my own account at Sprint, get a new work Blackberry, and hopefully get approval from Work to buy the new Blackberry tour 9630 on Sprint. If I didn't need a Blackberry for work I would definitely just keep my old Palm Treo and be happy with my Sprint plan. The moral to this story is do not ever, EVER buy a phone through Wirefly.com (aka crapfly). Oh, and AT&T sucks.