Journey of Grace

Haiti October 2017: Surrender

2017-11-16T17:55:00.000-06:00

I’ve sat down several times, in an attempt to continue on with blogging about our Haiti trip. I’m not sure exactly why it’s gotten more difficult. Processing and sharing any trip has always been emotional and in some ways a struggle, and in other ways a blessing. But this time it seemed even more difficult. I think it's partially due to that fact that there was a “wrestling” with God that occurred in my heart and mind as the trip progressed, and in some ways continues to exist at times.
It was tough to experience, even tougher to process, and tougher still to write about and share. So please bear with me, as I try to get my thoughts out as honestly and humbly as I can.

For the remaining 4 days in Hinche, our schedule basically stayed the same. In the mornings we had "free time", which we spent in a variety of ways which I will hopefully blog about in more detail at another time.
We would return to the compound for lunch, and in the afternoons I would lay down and rest for a couple of hours, until we would head out for home visits.

We were usually able to get 4-6 home visits done each afternoon before we headed home for dinner.

We would eat. I would shower the girls and I and I would go to bed.

I did very little else than what was absolutely necessary.

And yet, my body was failing me a little more each day.

I recognized the signs. I did my best to ignore them, and cover them up with whatever medications I could. But my body continued on in a downward progression.

A lot of people have asked me, since returning home, what happened? Or what did I get so sick from? And the truth is I wasn’t “sick” per se, this is just something that happens to me. It isn’t common, it may occur two or three times in a year. We aren’t totally sure what the cause is (though we have our suspicions) and for all of you who will ask - I have gotten testing done, and tried a few different things (namely diet and supplements) to help and I have actually seen a lot of improvement, but I still experience setbacks at times. The timing of this, “setback” was very unfortunate, but it was in a lot of ways completely unrelated to Haiti.

At home, in normal circumstances, I would have just stopped. I would have spent two or three days just resting in order to recover from whatever type of “crash” I was having, and I would have moved on.

But this time it was different. This time I couldn’t stop. This time I couldn’t get the rest my body needed. This time I pushed. Because I had to.

Although I did rest as much as I could, it wasn’t enough, and my body let me know that, loud and clear.

I had come to Haiti with a fairly substantial task to accomplish. As part of my responsibilities and heart for the student sponsorship program I had set a goal to go to as many home visits as I could of the sponsored students. My greatest desire for this trip was to get to know the families in the program better and to build relationships with them.

But this was not the only thing on my heart to do, I was really looking forward to spending time with my friends, and the kids and ladies at the compound. I wanted to spend time in the kitchen cooking, and learning how to do laundry by hand.

I was excited to spend time just BEing there. No agenda. Just hanging out with the people I love so much.
I had really looked forward to spending precious moments with my kids as they were introduced to the country and the people I love so dearly.

I imagined sitting for a while after dinner listening to Lavaud tell stories.

I imagined watching Treyton play basketball with the boys and coloring with Audrey and the little girl who hung around at the compound.

I imagined teaching Alexa and her new friends hand-clap games and how valuable communication without words can really be.

I imagined racing hot wheels with Titus and the two little cousins that I can hardly tell apart.

I imagined experiencing the “softer” side of Haiti with my kids.

And while in some sense, I was able to do some of these things, and in other ways, I wasn’t.

As the days began to pass by, and I began to realize, I wasn’t getting better disappointment and doubt began to set in.

I continued to try to be open and honest with the group, everyone was so gracious to me throughout the trip, they continually checked in on me, and worked to make me as comfortable as they could.

I felt so loved.

But I also felt like a failure. I knew I wasn’t the only one feeling the disappointment and desperation from what my body was going through.

I wanted to get better for me. But even more so, I wanted to get better for everyone else.

Every trip I’ve taken to Haiti has had some level of spiritual warfare associated with it, nothing crazy or even visible, but present nonetheless. I came to Haiti expecting it, and I recognize that it is likely a contributing factor of what was going on physically.

Spiritually, I refused to give in, and I wasn’t alone, the entire team stood together in our desire and prayers both against the enemy and for healing.

We were daily, hourly even, asking God to heal me. Asking for God to turn the tides of what was increasingly becoming a major problem and setback to the trip. And while, we weren’t immediately receiving the answer we wanted, we were hopeful and expectant for the Lord to heal me before the 9 days were up and the majority of the group (and my husband, aka, my “rock”) left for home.

So what do you do when you don’t receive the answer you were hoping for?

What do you do when the disappointment of “unanswered prayer” feels like it’s crushing you?

How do you process the confusion of knowing you were acting in obedience, and being faced with seeming failure?
What do you do when you start feeling angry with God for not giving you the answer you so desperately want?

I struggled. I am still struggling a bit.
But, I wasn't alone, and I'm not alone, and God used (and is continuing to use) my "team" to help me get through it.

One afternoon (I’m not sure if it was Monday or Tuesday) I was sitting in the girl’s room with Olivia, Donna, and Tim and I was sharing my disappointments and even some of the doubt I was starting to feel, and how I really didn’t think my body was going to be able to last the planned 18 days. We were on day 5 or 6 and my body was feeling more and more exhausted.

After I shared, we began to pray together.

As Tim began praying for me….. the floodgates opened and the tears that I had been trying so hard to hold in came pouring out. All the doubt, the anger, the disappointment became too much to hold onto.

As Tim prayed for both my healing and God’s will to be accomplished, I began to fully agree with him in my heart. I had been, up to this point praying for God’s will to be accomplished, but I hadn’t really meant it. I had prioritized my healing over His will and was mostly just begging for His will to line up with mine…. Not the other way around.

Tears ran down my face, and down my knees as I pulled them into my chest. I felt my heart began to change, it felt wonderful, and painful all at the same time. As every tear fell, I could feel myself letting go little-by-little. I began to loosen the grip on my will, my plans, and my goals. I began to picture myself kneeling with my hands wide open, literally laying down my agenda and my wants at his feet.

As Olivia and then Donna began to pray, I realized I was not the only one crying…. We all were. Our desperation was tangible, but so was our surrender. In our prayers we praised our Creator for who He is and we acknowledged His goodness toward us. We all, one by one poured out our hearts before God, and while I can’t speak for everyone, it felt as though once we poured and emptied ourselves, we each one let it go, and trusted Him to do what was best for each one of us.

After the final amen. I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders.

I was still disappointed. I won’t deny that. But I was completely surrendered.

In writing this I looked back into my journal from Haiti, I will end with the entry I found there:

“I feel so much weight, a fear of disappointing others, and myself. I am realizing that I may not be able to continue on as planned and personally it’s devastating, but I can hardly even think about that part of it, for I am not the only one affected.

My physical pain seems to pale in comparison to the pain of hurting and disappointing others.

My weakness frustrates me: my physical weakness, yes, but I realize that my spiritual weakness is far greater.

I truly believe I heard the Lord and followed Him here in obedience. The plans we made came out of prayer and a genuine desire for obedience. To see it not working out is confusing, and in some ways a challenge of faith.

Lord, I am one of little faith, I am so easily tossed about by the waves that surround me. I’m confused. I’m scared. I long to obey, and yet, my flesh selfishly continues to seek it’s own way.

I give this hour, this day, this trip, and my entire life to you.

Lord, I ask you to use me in spite of myself. May you receive all the glory that is due You.

Psalms 68:19-20

“Blessed be the Lord, who daily BEARS US UP,

God is our salvation. Our God is a God of salvation.”

Psalms 73:25-26

“Whom have I in heaven but you?

And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heard may fail

but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

Haiti October 2017: Not Forgotten

2017-10-30T21:34:00.000-05:00

"He who counts the stars and calls them by name is in no danger of forgetting his own children."
~C.H. Spurgeon~

Waking up Sunday morning, I immediately recognized the familiar sounds of the compound: the ladies working in the kitchen, a rooster crowing, an engine rattling nearby. I also notice a few less-normal sounds. Talking and chatter, below my window, people are already gathering and working at the church.

It’s interesting to me how quickly our bodies and minds begin to adjust to new circumstances in ways that we would have never expected; the way we start to “get used to” things we’re not used to experiencing.

On this trip one of those things is definitely the bugs, namely the cockroaches. If you would have told me a week prior to this that I would become used to seeing and working around cockroaches (without freaking out) I would have told you, you were insane, but that’s exactly what has happened.

As I roll over I take my ear plugs out and grab my water bottle, I glance at the floor between our beds and notice two cockroaches, one certainly dead (as it is on it’s back) and the other’s status is unknown to me. I don’t even bother checking, it is too early in the morning for me to muster the energy to kill it, even if it were alive. I’m pretty sure it’s not anyways.

I’m confident I already know how these two cockroaches met their end: they must have foolishly entered Olivia and Alexa’s bed last night. For whatever reason, no one else has had problems with the roaches getting into our mosquito netting with us at night, but they must have a special attraction to Olivia, as she has experienced it more than once. On the first night she told me that she tried swatting/slapping them away, but that they would come back, so she has now resorted to squeezing them, to ensure their death, and then tossing them out of her bed. I can only assume that’s what happened here.

I smile a little nervously, because while I want to rejoice in the fact that two more cockroaches are dead, I also realize that for every two cockroaches that lose their life, there’s an unknown number hiding in and among our room.

I am sure to look inside my shoes before I slip them on.

I grab my clothes and head to the bathroom, where I diligently shake out every article of clothing before slipping them on. This is a lesson, also learned the hard way, though gratefully, not on my own….

Last night, Tim had gone in to to take a shower before bed, I was brushing my teeth while he was getting everything he needed set up. After grabbing his towel off the hook in his bedroom, he had brought it into the bathroom draped over his arm. He was standing there talking to me, asking how I was feeling, when he had gone to hang his towel up over the shower curtain, two cockroaches fell from his towel onto the floor between us. While typically this would have evoked at least a small scream from me, in this moment all I could do was laugh. I was mostly just glad it was his towel and not mine.

I am looking forward to today. We have church this morning, and we are planning on going out to the waterfall this afternoon. I am worried about whether or not I should go out to the waterfall, or if I should take the opportunity to rest, but I already feel like I’ve missed more than I’ve wanted to on this trip with my kids, and I want to see the waterfall with them. I tell myself “no matter what” I’m going.

After breakfast, we all head downstairs where we will walk next door to the church. As we make our way down the stairs we see the orphan’s pull up in the truck. 48 orphans. One truck. I’ll never get used to seeing this. J

I find Dieunaylove right away. She looks like an angel. She’s wearing a spotless white dress. I am certain that the orphan mama’s dressed her up extra-special because they know we are here. She looks beautiful. She’s walking towards me, she has a bashful look on her face and I can’t stop smiling. We hug. I kiss the top of her head. Oh how I have missed her.

I grab her hand. She smiles up at me. I introduce the kids and Donna to her, although I know introductions are not needed. We walk to church I hold Audrey’s hand in my right, and Deiunaylove’s in my left. Despite any physical struggles I’ve had, this is EVERYTHING. This moment. It’s inexpressible. I want to remember every detail.

I have Dieunaylove sit with us during the service rather than where she normally sits, with the other orphans. She holds my hand the entire 2 ½ hour service. The church is always hot, with little to no breeze, but of course, it feels even hotter than usual to me. I’m really struggling physically, but I don’t care. I don’t want this time to end. I have a feeling of fullness that I can’t possibly comprehend or explain. As soon as service is over, one of Dieunaylove’s friends comes over to bring her back to the group. I tell her I will see her at the compound before she goes back to the orphanage.

Once we all make our way to the compound, we have the opportunity to take some pictures. I’m feeling really weak and lightheaded, but I know how important it is I push through, I don’t know if I’ll ever have this opportunity again. I’m suddenly saddened and slightly anxious by the enormity of this moment, but I don’t want anyone else to notice, I just want them to enjoy it. I try to keep smiling.

It’s time for the orphans to go. They all load up. Deiunaylove is one of the last ones to get up in the truck, she like me, doesn’t want our time to end. She gives me her “spunky” smile. The one that stole my heart that first time we met…. I smile back at her and wave. Something in me wants to cry. But I don’t.

After lunch, instead of going to the waterfall we decide to do the orphan shoe distribution since they are all out of school and we will probably be doing home visits most of the other afternoons.

Thanks to generous donors, we have brought a pair of closed-toe shoes (which is required for school) for each of the orphans. Treyton and Alexa, who have both helped me organize, check and double check that we had all the right shoes and sizes, and then pack all of the shoes, are excited to be a part of distributing the shoes today.

Arriving at the orphanage, my body seems to be screaming at me. I want a nap so badly. My head is pounding (which is NEVER ideal for an orphanage visit), my hands are shaking and I am still lightheaded and nauseas. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. Anytime we’re trying to distribute things at the orphanage, leadership, organization, and consistent expectations are key to ensuring the least amount of chaos possible. I am fully aware that I do not have the energy for all of that. I say a quick prayer and ask God for a successful distribution.

We decide we’re going to work from the cafeteria, that we will have one or two kids come in at a time, we will check to make sure the shoes fit, record that they received their shoes and what size they end up with, we will take their picture (to update their profile), and then we will have those orphans leave the cafeteria so that it doesn’t get too out of hand.

We begin to set up the shoes on two different tables – a boy table and girl table. As we are setting up the shoes, the kids can’t help but gather around, taking a look at what we have brought. There is a lot of excited chatter and energy, as we have all of them leave and start calling their name, one-by-one.

Ethan, Tim and Treyton work on handing out shoes and checking sizes, I record which students receive their shoes and if the shoe fits properly, Olivia takes pictures giving me the photo number for each orphan so that I can record it, as well.

Alexa helps Olivia and I for a while, but soon find Dieunaylove, and they are now off playing together.

Things aren’t going quite as smoothly as I would normally like, but considering how I am feeling, and the number of shoes/orphans we had to go through, it is going really well.

After distributing the shoes, we decide to call the orphans back in, one at a time, to give them their personalized pencil cases that my friend Amanda so generously donated and made (together with our friend Chantae). The kids are really excited about their pencil cases. This is much simpler than the shoes, and it’s going much smoother – Pastor Lavaud is here and he’s making everyone laugh. He’s having two of the older boys act as police, as we call out a child’s name he has the “police” escort the kids in, once they receive their pencil case, he immediately has them escort the child(ren) back out…. The kids think this is hilarious… and it is.

I love these days.

So many smiles.

So much joy.

So much love.

While the gifts are always genuinely appreciated by those we bring them to, what we’ve found to be even more appreciated is the heart and thought behind the gifts. The reality is, for the people that we spend our time and energy serving here, whether it be the orphans or the sponsored student families, they are considered the “least”. In their society, and even from a world-wide perspective, both the families and the orphans are the poorest and most needy in the society, and they are not used to people caring about them. A gift for “just them” or a personalized item is something most of them have not only never received, but never even really considered. These moments, where they realized that they are loved and thought of by others are rare for them, and they mean more than anything.

They are the unheard.

They are the hopeless.

They are the forgotten.

They are the broken.

At least that’s what they’ve been told and have come to believe about themselves.

All the money and goods in the world cannot fix this sort of mindset.

So we go deeper.

We read before going on this trip that the cause of poverty is multi-faceted and is only partially a physical issue – poverty is also spiritual, psychological, mental, emotional, and communal.

No, we cannot fix this with money or things.

So, our focus and hope as we spend time with the people is to point to the only ONE that can heal the spiritual brokenness and hopelessness that ALL of us experience.

Our goals are to consistently share the gospel and the Word of God with the people we’re ministering too, and to promote Lavaud’s ministry and church as a long-term option for them to continue hearing the truth that can heal, bind-up, restore, and comfort.

As believers our mission is in the relational, so we work to start and build relationships, to be among and spend time with the people we’re trying to serve, not to save them or solve all their problems, but so that they know we care.

We have been told repeatedly, that to visit the homes of the students and families in the sponsorship program (those who are the most poor) is something that just “doesn’t happen”. Pastor Lavaud has told us, that the poor are not accustomed to people going out of their way to see them and visit them. It’s a strange and new thing for them, this idea of being seen and heard.

This is a step.

Our heart for the people here goes so much deeper than just wanting to provide for physical needs. We long to know them, and for them to know us. We want to rejoice with them and mourn with them, and they with us. We want real relationship, not dependency or control.

We want to show them with our actions that we are not so different, us and them, in fact, we’re a lot more alike than they’ve come to believe. We’re broken too, and while our circumstances may be different, we’re not better off.

We want them to know that we are here because we love them, and because we want to learn from them.

They’re not alone.

They’re not forgotten.

They are each someone special and God is working in and for them.

Isaiah 61

1 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]

2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the Lord

for the display of his splendor.

(Enjoying a little "down time" together, Titus and Audrey color in the boys room)

Haiti October 2017: Home Visits

2017-10-24T22:26:00.000-05:00

As we make our way down the bumpy road, I look over at Audrey who’s sitting beside me in the truck, she’s on full alert, taking in the newness of a world she’s never known existed. Titus is sitting in the front seat with Tim. The older kids are riding in the back of the truck with Olivia, Ethan, Sylveus (our amazing translator) & Kilick (the school principal).

We’re headed out on our first home visit, we’re driving down what feels like an alley, but is actually a road. To say that the neighborhood is “compacted” is an understatement. There are houses lined up literally side-by-side, front to back, with hardly any space in between. There are kids, half-clothed, playing in the road, they scoot out of the way as we approach. Once they realize we are “blancs” (white), they stop, smile, and wave at us, some even run after the vehicle. The older kids and adults don’t bother waving, they just stare at us, as our truck, which is filled with 5 blanc adults, 4 blanc children, and 3 Haitian men makes its way slowly down the bumpy one-lane road.

I don’t know that I’ll ever get used to the staring. I wouldn’t say that it bothers me, and it certainly doesn’t offend me, but it can be a little discomforting at times. I keep hoping that one day it will stop, that one day, the people would just recognize me as someone who belongs there and that I’ll be someone everyone is used to, and that my presence would no longer warrant the looks. I’m not really holding my breath on this, but I figure a girl can hope. J

I’ve been to the home we are headed to before so I “basically” know where I’m going…. not that I could get myself there. Or Back. But I at least recognize where I’m at and I realize we are almost there.

Once we park, I’m at the mercy of Guensly to get me out of the truck (I will continue to try to open it every time, but) the truck’s door handle is broken, and my super-secret ninja skills seem to be no match for it.

By the time I get out, I see Madam Noel already making her rounds with hugs and kisses for everyone. Hands down, this mama is one of the kindest and most hospitable women I’ve ever met. Never mind that we don’t speak the same language, a shared language isn’t necessary to recognize this woman is 100% genuine.

Once we all get situated on the front porch, we start the unfamiliar process of interviewing this family. This is our first home visit interview, so I’m not exactly sure how this is going to look or even how the communication will work, but after the first few questions the nerves start to wear off a little bit. Each of the adults contributes questions; we are all affectionately curious and interested in getting to know the students and their families better, and that seems to guide the conversation. This is feeling far more natural than I expected.

Francelove, who is one of the few high school students in our program, answers most of the questions herself. This is encouraging to see, as last time we were here, she wasn’t feeling very well and her mother did most of the talking for her.

Madam Noel graciously allows us into her two-room home and points out where the 11 people who live here all sleep. It’s truly mind-boggling to my first-world-mama-brain that this could not only be happening on a regular basis, but that this family is not unique in their situation here in Haiti. Space is not a luxury most families in Haiti can afford.

Francelove, who’s 16 years old, has made a connection with Audrey and at 7-years old she’s too big to be held, but that doesn’t stop Francelove from picking her up. She starts talking directly to Audrey, who quietly tells her “I don’t speak Creole” but that doesn’t slow Francelove down a bit. Audrey looks confused. I can tell by the way Francelove’s speaking to her that she’s complimenting her, I lean over and whisper into Audrey’s ear “She likes you.” Audrey smiles, and wraps her arms around Francelove’s neck.

We talk for a little while inside the house, but we are careful not to overstay our welcome. And like we will do for all of the home visits, we take a picture of Francelove for her sponsor and leave the family with a creole Bible, a personalized pencil case, two-gallon bags of rice and a bag of beans.

(....when in Haiti.... right? :))

I realize, once again, how many people have contributed to this moment.

There have been so many generous people who donated their skills, time, and money to make these things possible. I am amazed at how God is able to use so many, complementally working alongside one another to accomplish His will. Some are called to go, some to give money, others to pray, and still others to volunteer their talents and time. I am so humbled and blessed to be even a small part of what He is doing.

(Kilick and Titus during a home visit)

We make 6 home visits that first day. Each one is unique. Each one special and filled with sacred moments.

From the first moments after landing in Haiti over a year and a half ago I had fallen in love with the people here, but it’s obvious to me as we visit family after family, that God is peeling back a layer of not only of my heart, but of my understanding of the people we are here to serve.

It’s overwhelming.

It’s exciting.

It’s what this trip (and every trip) is all about.

(This little girl --- wearing a jacket in nearly 100 degree weather BTW --- working to balance the water on her head was just too cute!!)

In preparation for this trip we had been praying, and reading, and learning for so long, and now we’re here. We’re actually here and we’re doing this, and it is so much more than I even imagined.

It is a gift to be able to look into the eyes of the parents and of the students, to place faces and stories with the names and pictures I already have. I have met almost all of them before now, but I have not had this opportunity to really hear them and get to know them personally. To understand their lives and their situations even a little better is something I feel unworthy of. The blessing of this opportunity is not passing by me unnoticed.

My head may be wanting to explode in pain, but my heart feels like it is going to explode with joy.

Back at the compound, after dinner, Tim, Olivia and I end up sitting across from each other on our beds talking through the first visits. I feel giddy every time I even think about them. I can tell Olivia does too. Tim is, as usual, my constant, he’s never quite as emotional as I am, but he feels it too, I can tell.

I appreciate this “thing” between us that we’re all sharing in this moment. We know we don’t have to try to explain ourselves because we’re already understood.

(Walking to the home visits with friends)

It helps me to know that they “get it” because I don’t have the words quite yet to articulate what I’m feeling (I realize now I might never have them). I’ve felt this before but the home visits seem to have brought about an entirely new level of “speechlessness” to my head and my heart.

It’s no secret that my visits to Haiti cover a wide range of emotions, experiences, and feelings. I often find myself using contradictory terms to try to describe it all:

Challenging …. Worthwhile

Heartache…. Satisfying

Tough…. Rewarding

Spiritual attack…. Spiritual victory

Awkward…. Natural

Frightening…. Peaceful

Painful…. Joyful

Tasks…. Relationship

Loud …. Quiet

(Audrey's best buddy in Rhode, Franceska, playing during a home visit)

Tears of joy and tears of pain often flow down my face simultaneously here (and even once I return home), and sometimes it’s hard to distinguish between the two emotions.

Adequate words are not available to capture these valuable moments, my time in this place, and the unseen things that I have experienced here.

Holy.

That’s the only word that seems to even come close.

I’m at my most vulnerable here.

This was not in my comfort zone.

Coming here was an act of obedience.

And it has become a sanctuary for me.

(Our family visiting our sponsored students' home)

God is here with us and He is working and we’re merely standing as a witness to His goodness and His greatness.

Words will always fail us in these moments.

I picture myself digging for something.

Something unknown. Something I know to be valuable.

I dig at the hard ground with my bare hands.

The digging is hard work. It’s slow. It’s dirty.

But I know this is important and that I need to keep going.

Sometimes I want to give up.

Sometimes I think I would rather just keep my hands clean.

Sometimes I feel like I’m an idiot digging a hole for no apparent reason.

But then it happens.

I discover something…. Something that words can’t describe but something so wonderful that I realize it is worth everything.

I keep digging, but now I have more certainty.

It’s still hard work.

It’s still dirty.

But there is no longer any doubt.

I have no idea what the purpose of this hole is, or even if there is a purpose to it.

I no longer care what I look like. Or what others think. Or even how hard it is.

I am finding so much joy in the work.

I look around and I suddenly realize I’m not digging alone.

There are people all around the hole digging with me.

Some are white. Some are dark. Our hands, all different colors and sizes are working together.

We laugh together.

We cry together.

We rejoice together and we face defeat together.

I realize what a gift this hole has become to me. I love this hole, not just the work of it, not just the hole itself, but the people I’m digging the hole with. The people I’m digging the hole for. I love all of it.

We have each tasted a piece of God’s goodness in this hole and I think we all realize that with every handful of hard earned dirt, that there is no end to HIS GOODNESS and HIS FAITHFULNESS.

(Sylveus, our very good friend & translator, and Titus)

The home visits are like a new layer of “the hole”.

These moments are so much bigger than what they appear.

I am standing on holy ground and it is worth everything.

Every sleepless night.

Every moment of frustration.

Every bug bite.

Every drop of sweat.

Every insecurity I’ve had to push through.

Every moment of doubt.

Every question of inadequacy.

Psalm 126:1-3

“When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion,

we were like those who dreamed.

Our mouths were filled with laughter,

our tongues with songs of joy.

Then it was said among the nations,

“The Lord has done great things for them.”

The Lord has done great things for us,

and we are filled with joy.”

Haiti October 2017 Night 1 & Day 2

2017-10-23T15:41:00.001-05:00

We arrive to Hinche with unexpected smoothness and ease. The ladies at the compound have food waiting for us when we arrive. We carry all our bags up to the third floor of the compound, to the area that we will call “home” for the next 2-3 weeks. I am hot, hungry, and tired, but I am even more excited. I am at the beginning of what I know is going to be an amazing trip. God called us here. I am sure of it. We obeyed, we are here, and I am expectant for all that He is about to do.

After eating dinner, we begin to get ready for bed. There is a lot to be done before we can actually lay down. It is decided that in the girls room Mommer will get her own double bed, Olivia and Alexa will share the bottom double bed of one bunk bed, and Audrey and I the other. There are twin bunk beds on top but they have no railing, which makes me a little uncomfortable knowing how much my kids usually move around at night.

In the boys room Ethan will have a bottom double bunk, Tim will share the other bunk with Titus, and Treyton will take the twin bed near the door.

We are all exhausted after a long day of travel. Ethan especially who took a midnight flight out of Denver in order to meet up with us, has gotten hardly any sleep.

The temperature is noticeably hotter when we arrived to the third floor of the compound. I mean, Haiti is always hot, obviously, but this is a whole new level of heat. While the temperature drops (slightly) at night, our rooms tend to hold the heat throughout the night, which makes sleeping (especially with another person) a little tougher.

I’m not sure what time we all lay down at. I know it is late by the time we ate, found everything we needed, and got ready for bed. As I lay down that night, I started thanking God for a wonderful day of travel and arriving safely and praying for the rest of the trip. I don’t think I can get more excited. I am full of hope.

Midnight

I doze off pretty quickly but wake again shortly after.

I am sweating profusely.

The generators must have already kicked off. The fans are off.

There’s nothing I can do to cool off.

I hear sounds of water dripping on the tin roof outside our window.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

{Rooster crow}

Drip. Drip. Drip.

{Dog bark}.

I begin to feel heaviness all over me. I start to pray. My mind is at war. Lies begin to surface and I begin to panic.

I pray. Hard.

I start quoting scripture. Random scriptures, scriptures that have nothing to do with what I’m experiencing but I am searching for any verse that will pop into my head.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

The last time I look at my phone it says 1:30.

3am

I wake up to a loud bang.

“What was that?”

{Dogs barking}

Drip. Drip. Drip.

Someone’s snoring.

I’m hot. Really hot.

I’m thirsty. I have no spit left, my mouth is completely dry. I need water. I reach over next to the bed where I keep a water bottle. I take a long drink of warm water.

I look over and I see two cockroaches crawling up my mosquito net.

“Ugh, gross.”

I grab my sandal from off the floor and gently lean over Audrey to smush them both between the netting and the wall. They fall down under the bed… or at least I hope that’s where they fell.

I lay awake for a while until I realize that something is biting at my ankles… not just one bite but a lot of them…. it doesn’t feel like a mosquito, I turn on my flashlight to look. I don’t see anything. I get up and grab bug spray and spray some across the bottom of our bed.

I lay back down.

I don’t know how much time passes but I’m wide awake still.

I begin feel the skin of my arms start to tingle…. “Oh no,” I think.

{Quick side note ---- I know most of you know this already, but I’ve struggled with anxiety most of my life, though praise God, it’s been significantly better the last year and a half or so. In saying that, I’ve only had a few actual anxiety “attacks” in my life. The last one was in March. In the middle of the night. In Haiti.

There’s not a doubt in my mind that they are spiritual attacks, but nonetheless, an anxiety attack in the middle of the night. In Haiti. Let me tell you, it’s not ideal.}

…. My mind begins to race….

…. My heart is pounding…..

…. I begin to hear the voices of those who questioned us bringing our kids…

…. I start to believe the lies….

…. I start making up new lies….

…. I’m worried about my sleep….

…. I am panicking….

…. I want to go home…

…. My skin now feels like it is on fire….

Drip, drip, drip

{rooster crow}

{some other animal making some strange call}

{loud bang. Again}

It may be a tin roof piece flapping… I can’t figure it out.

My skin feels like it is on fire now. It makes it hard to move.

My breathing is increasing.

I try to slow it.

I can’t hardly move at all anymore. I feel plastered to my bed.

I’m laying there.

Mind racing.

Sweating.

I tell myself “You know what this is. Fight it. You’ve got this.”

I try to pray, but I can’t. My mind is racing, I can’t seem to control my thoughts.

I’m so hot. I’m exhausted and I can’t think straight.

I’m crying now.

“Oh dear God, what was I thinking?”

“Why did I come here?”

“How could I have ever brought my kids?”

“What was I thinking?”

“Lord, what have I done?”

I try to muffle my sobs. I cannot let anyone see me like this.

In my heart and the deep recesses of my mind I know how ridiculous this is.

I know people are counting on me and that makes everything worse.

“Amber, pull yourself together. This is an attack. It isn’t reality. This is not truth.”

“I can’t. I can’t. I’m too tired. I have nothing left to fight with.”

“Go get Tim.”

“No, I can’t. I won’t”

Olivia is rolling over. She has been tossing and turning all night. I know she's not sleeping well either.

I try to silent my cries. I don’t want to wake anyone up.

“Wake up Olivia, she’s right there, she might even be awake.”

“No, I won’t wake them up. They need their sleep. Sleep is too valuable here, I won’t take that from them.”

“These are lies. You don’t have to believe them. You’ve got this.”

“Lies? Yes. Lies. I know that. I know they are lies. But here I am, with only a few hours of sleep, and I can’t do this. I can’t do what I’m supposed to do with only a few hours of sleep. What am I going to do?! What am I going to do!? I need a plan. I need to find a solution. I have to fix this.”

“Just breathe. Start by breathing.”

I start counting my breaths, slowly I regain control of my mind.

I start to pray.

I’m still crying. Softer now. I don’t know what just happened or why, but I’m broken.

I have nothing left inside of myself.

I’m crying out to God, because I feel as though my life depends on it, and I realize in this moment – my life DOES depend on it. It always depends on Him. I need him in this moment as badly as I did yesterday when I didn’t feel this desperate.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

I slowly try to stand up out of bed, my legs are still tingling but at least I can move them. I make my way to one of the bags and start looking for my earplugs. I can’t believe I forgot to put them in.

I look at the clock it’s 4:00am.

“Oh, Dear God, help me sleep. Please”

5am

I’m woken up by a slap to my face. Audrey has rolled over – arm first – apparently. I push her back on her side and roll so that my back is too her. I’m facing Olivia and Alexa now. Olivia has been tossing and turning throughout the night. At one point, I don’t know what time it was but I woke for a moment when she got out of bed.

I start to pray for her.

I fall back asleep.

6am

I’m woken by Audrey, she’s shaking me.

I have a headache. A bad headache.

She’s whispering something to me but I can’t hear her.

I take my ear plugs out.

She has to pee.

I help her get out of the bed and the mosquito net without waking everyone else.

I hear someone else awake out in the living room…. (?) My guess is either Tim or Lavaud.

I don’t get up to check.

Audrey comes back.

It’s a little cooler now, but not much.

I pull the flat sheet up over us for the first time.

She snuggles in close and I put my arm around her.

I close my eyes but leave my earplugs out.

I am kind of sleeping but I can still hear all the noises.

7:00ish

Everyone in the room is stirring. Olivia is sitting on the edge of her bed. She looks at me. She looks as exhausted as I am.

I ask “How’d you sleep”

Her look to me is my answer.

I say “Yeah, last night was a little rough.”

We fill each other in on the fact that we were both awake for most of the night.

I head into the boy’s room where Tim is sitting on the twin bed, Ethan is sitting on his bed. I sit next Tim.

He says “How’d you sleep?”

I start to cry.

He puts his arm around me “That bad, huh?”

Pretty soon everyone gathers in the boys room, and I am blatantly honest with everyone about last night. I’m upset. I am questioning everything. I have a headache. I did not sleep well. I want to go home. I am scared. I don’t know what to do.

I know God called us here. I know we’re obeying. I wasn’t expecting this. What happened?

Tim leads us in prayer and a devotional.

He prays for me.

I am feeling a little better, other than my headache and a weakness in my legs.

As I walk back into the girls room Olivia is in front of me. She turns and says “I am feeling the exact same way. We know this is an attack. Tonight, if it happens again we have to wake each other up.”

We hug, as we shed a few silent tears.

“I’m sorry, I feel like such a mess.” I say, “ But God’s got this. We’re going to be okay.”

BREAKFAST

Breakfast was eggs, pineapple, avocado, bread and peanut butter. As soon as I sit down and smell the food, I just KNOW I’m going to be sick. The nausea is overwhelming. I look at my hands. I'm shaking.

I force myself to eat at least a little bit. I know if I don’t eat I’m going to be in even worse shape.

After breakfast I take an Excedrin. Tim says he will head up getting the rice and beans packaged and that I should lay down and rest. I don’t disagree. By now I feel like my insides are shaking, my headache is pounding, and I’m fairly sure I’m going to throw up.

I lay down in front of a fan but do not sleep.

I head downstairs a while later to sit and watch while everyone else packages rice and beans.

I smile watching everyone have a good time, enjoying the work God has given them to do.

My body may be failing me, but my heart is still full of a joy that is unexplainable.

Everything’s going to be okay.

I just need to start feeling better. We’ll take it easy today, head to bed early tonight, and I will feel better tomorrow. I’m sure of it.

AFTERNOON

After lunch, our friend, Sylveus invites us to the English class he teaches for the older orphans. We ALL are interested in that. Plus that means we get to head over to Rhode where we will see the new gate, and construction that’s taking place, and Tim will be able to check out the playground equipment for maintenance.

While we were waiting for our transportation to get figured out, we had the opportunity to help lay out some of the laundry to dry.

One of the things I was hoping for, while we were in Haiti, was to have my children see how things are done in Haiti that is different and less convenient than the ways we do things here, so I jumped at the opportunity to have them help too.

Lavaud runs a lot of ministries and he has one primary vehicle, so it can sometimes be tough to manage all the comings and goings with just that one truck. There are 9 of us wanting to get over to Rhode, plus Lavaud, and we have one little 4-door sedan available to us. Lavaud’s not so sure, but we are “pretty sure” we can make ourselves fit in this car for the short ride over to Rhode.

We start to pile in.

Tim, Titus, myself and Lavaud in front.

Olivia, Ethan, Donna, Treyton, Alexa, and Audrey in back.

We fit!

I wouldn’t say that we fit comfortably, but we fit nonetheless. And this is an adventure, right?

The kids think this is awesome, and of course they do. They’re the ones sitting on other people’s laps J

We make the short drive over to Rhode. We’re a little late for the English class, so we try to “sneak” into the back (ha, ha).

Sylveus is writing the words to the song “Lord I Lift Your Name on High” on the chalkboard. The kids are copying the words into their notebooks.

We take a seat.

I’m very impressed with the English class - not just Sylveus’ teaching (which is amazing) but the students, the atmosphere, all of it. I’m feeling grateful we were able to be a part of it.

Sylveus allows several opportunities for us to participate, as well. A few of us read the words to the song so that the students can hear our accent. Olivia sings the song to remind everyone of the tune, and then we sing it together as a group.

Towards the end of the class Sylveus asks one of us to help teach the class. I quickly volunteer Ethan. J

He does an amazing job.

I’m pleasantly surprised and proud of how quickly he is able to think on his feet.

I had only met Ethan a few times prior to this trip, and after spending only 24 hours with him, I’m exceedingly grateful he is on this trip and a part of the team. He’s 23 year old, and his love for the Lord, people, and The Word is obvious. He has an amazing attitude whatever the situation and pitches in wherever is needed. I am really looking forward to getting to know him better.

After English class, the kids are able to play with some of the kids at the playground and around the school.

The Rhode kids are really excited to see “blanc” children. They love touching their skin and hair. It’s sometimes hard for me to actually see my kids, though they are always easy to find, all I have to do is look for the crowds of children.

The three older kids seem to find one or two kids that they bond with immediately and throughout the trip it will be common to see them with the same kids anytime we’re at Rhode.

Titus isn’t overly comfortable with all the attention so he mostly just runs in circles around the school grounds.

This seems to keep a crowd from forming “around” him, but is also acceptable to the other kids, as they just run after him. J

Today was a good day. I’m happy with what we were able to do, even though I’m not feeling well.

Physically my body is screaming at me. It wants me to stop. I can feel it. All my warning signs are going off and I know deep down what this means.

Mentally I’m concerned. I’ve been where I am before. I’ve felt this before. It didn’t end well. I know if I stop moving, I won’t be able to keep going. I know I need to push through as long as I can. I promise myself I’ll eat even when I don’t want to and I’ll rest every chance I get and I’ll go to be early. I pray that that’s enough.

Emotionally, I feel good, I remember why I’m here. I’m so in love with this place. With these people. I’m overwhelmed by the opportunity to share these moments with my children…. My heart is too full. I’m so happy.

Spiritually, I’m constantly praying, asking God to please heal my body. Please allow things to go as planned. Give me the strength I need. I thank Him for getting us here. I thank Him that our family is together in this place that I love so dearly. I pray that we are still able to accomplish what we have come here to do.

Haiti October 2017: Day 1

2017-10-20T15:06:00.001-05:00

I’ve been here before.

I know basically what to expect.

I know the hall we will be walking. I know the path we will take once we step off of this plane. I know what it will look like and how it will feel. I know what questions to expect and the sound the stamp will make as they mark our passports.

(Early morning breakfast at the Chicago airport)

I’ve been here before.

But it’s different this time.

This time I have 4 pair of my children’s eyes looking at me, expectantly, trustingly.

I’ve been here before.

But they haven’t.

We stand up as we go to deplane and I look over at Tim. He gives me his “Let’s do this” smile. I smile back.

My heart is pounding, not from fear, but excitement.

We’ve planned for this. We’ve been praying for this for a long time. It’s been a long road to get to this place.

(We used a buddy system for most of the trip - these two were paired together -

they did everything together - eat, sleep, and play)

The moment we step off the plane we feel the hotter-than-it-should-be-in-an-airport heat. We walk down the hall and turn left. The big black fan whose only purpose seems to be blowing hot air around is the only sound I hear. I am wearing my backpack on my back, pulling my carry-on with one hand and holding Audrey’s hand in my other. I look back and do a head count. Then a backpack count. Then a carry-on count. This will be my ritual for the next 9 days. Counting my people. Making sure we have who, and then what, we’re supposed to have.

We make it to the counter where we pay the $50 required for our family to enter the country. We then get our passports stamped without even a question from the immigration officer.

Next we head down to baggage claim where I prepare the kids for what I know will be a long process of locating our luggage, bartering with the airport personnel for what is already ours, and attempting to make it out of customs as cheaply as we can.

I’m as surprised as everyone when we find all 8 of our bags and get them loaded on carts within 10 minutes, with no “assistance” from one of the many men running around with badges.

Tim, Olivia, and Ethan each grab a cart, while Mommer and I each grab two little hands and we head toward customs. I lead the way with our custom papers in my hand. They take our form and ask if we are bringing in any food. I say “no”, and they let us through!!

I turn around and look at Olivia, who’s behind me, wide-eyed, she says “Praise God!” I shake my head in disbelief.

(Making our way through the airport... notice what a beast my mother in law is :) handling her carry on and one of the kids. She was invaluable on the trip and it was a blessing to have her with us)

As we begin to walk out of the airport I check every face we pass looking for either Lavaud or Guensly. Normally, I avoid eye-contact in the airport as much as I can because it tends to attract even more unwanted attention. I know enough creole to say “No thank you. Please don’t touch. I have no money for you.” But it does nothing to damper the enthusiasm of those surrounding us and our luggage.

The longer we stand at the windows, the more of a “target” our group seems to become.

One of the men offer to get us a ride or taxi. Tim declines and tells him we are waiting for Pastor Lavaud. The man seems to know Lavaud and walks out of the airport. I tell Tim I want to walk out and look around for Guensly. Tim tells me to wait. I don’t want to wait, but I do. I stand at the window looking out. I start praying.

Tim and I see him at the same time, and we both breath a sigh of relief. Walking through the crowd, with the man that had just left us, Guensly’s smile is unmistakable. We take our first steps out of the airport, making our way through the crowd. All of us repeating “Pa touché” (“Don’t Touch”). Tim reaches Guensly first and they hug. I’m right behind him, I am holding Titus and Audrey’s hands. I let go of Audrey in order to hug Guensly.

(Flight from Chicago to Fort Lauderdale)

I lean down to the kids and say “Guys, this is our friend Guensly”

Guensly smiles and says “Hello”

Titus gets a strange look on his face and says “I thought Guensly was a girl’s name.”

Guensly and I laugh and we begin to make our way through the crowd to the parking lot. Before we reach it, I make another head count.

There are people and cars everywhere. We are relieved to see Anos and the van that will be taking us to Hinche. We quickly get the kids in the van while Tim and Ethan handle getting the luggage and many helpers from the airport handled. My children are disappointed to realize this van happens to have seatbelts, which I require them to put on.

As soon as we leave the airport, not surprisingly we’re in the midst of Port-au-prince traffic and non-existent-road-rules. And in the middle of what seems to be chaos, my heart is joyful. We made it.

I look back at Olivia and we smile at each other.

She gets it.

I can tell.

Her heart is about to explode, just like mine and she says to me “My heart is so full.”

I can’t help but to agree.

(Treyton experienced a little motion sickness after landing from the first flight. He has flown before, and this is something that sometimes happens to him, luckily he didn't actually throw up :))

And just like that, we’ve left the airport, having just experienced the smoothest entry into Haiti we’ve ever had.

A few minutes later we pull off the side of the road where Pastor Lavaud and his wife meet us with sandwiches for our trip to Hinche. Normally, we eat at Lavaud’s home, but with the recent government strikes (due to increased taxes) we want to leave Port-au-Prince before it gets dark.

Lavaud wants to make a “quick” stop at a market to pick up drinks for us all. Olivia heads inside with Lavaud while the rest of us wait. While we sit there I watch an armed guard manage the tight fitting parking lot, directing traffic and helping cars park into too small of spaces. While I will never get used to the driving in Haiti, no one can deny the skill of some of the drivers there and their ability to drive in the most unbelievable of situations.

(In the van and on our way!!)

I’m sitting in the first row of the van next to Audrey with Titus in my lap so he can see out in front of us.

Audrey is on full alert. She’s taking it all in. She’s leaning forward asking Tim (who’s sitting in the seat in front of her) question after question, she’s amazed by the people she sees who are carrying loads on their heads without using their hands.

All of a sudden I feel the weight of Titus, who was just a moment ago wiggling in my arms, go limp. I look down. He has fallen asleep. I adjust him so that we’re both comfortable and we settle in for the long ride to Hinche.

Once we get on the road I realize that Audrey needs to process all she is seeing out loud. J While the other kids are quietly looking out the windows taking in sights and sounds they’ve never seen or heard before, Audrey is talking a mile a minute. She begins counting the people who are carrying loads on their head. Once we’re out of Port-au-Prince and she sees her first goat roaming free on the side of the road, she’s now on a mission to see as many goats as she can. She asks great questions and I feel my mama heart swell as we talk about life in Haiti.

After about an hour, she finally calms down a bit, and lays down on my lap to rest for the remaining hour and half ride.

I’m hot. I’m sweating under the weight of my children sleeping. I'm a little motion sick from the long curvy roads up and through the mountains. But I hardly notice. I’m full of joy, I don’t know how else to explain it. I can’t help but smile. We’ve made it. We’re here. My heart really is full: full of hope, full of expectation, full of peace.

I can hardly WAIT to see what tomorrow will bring. But for now, I rest in knowing that God is faithful. He is my Hope. He is my Song.

Haiti: Why Bring The Kids?

2017-10-18T16:51:00.000-05:00

We returned early Sunday morning (1:30am to be exact) from a 9-day trip to Haiti. This is Tim and I’s fourth time to Haiti, and our four children’s first time. Our children range in age from 5-12 years old. As you can imagine we were asked a lot prior to the trip: “Why bring the kids?”

As you would also imagine there’s not just one simple answer to be given, but many. However, there was one REALLY big reason why, and it was the only reason we needed.

OBEDIENCE & GOD’S GLORY

The short and simple answer was/is, because we felt called to go to Haiti with our children. We felt as though this was God’s calling for our family and it is out of obedience that we followed through with it.

Tim and I knew from our first visit to Haiti that we were being called into long-term ministry there. We didn’t know exactly what it would look like or how it would all play out (we still don’t) but the calling and heart we felt for Haiti were unquestionable. As the Lord began to open doors for us, and we began to walk through those doors, it also became obvious to us, that this calling was one our entire family was meant to be a part of. Our kids have been a huge part of our ministry in Haiti.

When given the opportunity to bring our children to Haiti, we both felt very comfortable and even certain that it was the next step for our family in this journey. God continued to open doors and give us confirmations that we were taking steps in the right direction.

(The young lady with her arm around Audrey was practicing her english on Audrey to see if she could understand her)

So, simply put, we brought our children because our ultimate desire in life is to glorify God and that is done through obedience.

Obedience is not always easy, in fact, I would say, that in my experience, obedience is rarely easy. Being a Christ-follower, living a radical poured out life for the Lord, is not the safe option. Jesus Himself tells us that following Him wouldn’t be easy, or well accepted or understood.

Tim and I have tried to teach our children that being a Christ-follower will be and SHOULD be difficult at times. We’ve tried to teach our children that we should obey God in all things, even when it’s hard. Even when it’s dangerous. Even when other people think you’re crazy. Or stupid. Or Reckless. Even when other people judge you (and trust me, they will).

We have read to our children out of the Bible since before they could talk – we have shared as a family the stories of those who obeyed the Lord and we see that their choices were NOT easy, and that many of them were dangerous, and/or not well received. (Examples: Esther, Daniel, Jeremiah, Elisha, Paul, Elijah, Moses, Noah, etc., etc., etc.)

We have also valued and read many stories with our children of missionaries and the heroes of our faith – people like Corrie Ten Boom, Gladys Alyward, William Carey, Martin Luther, and more.

We have hopefully taught them with our words what we believe.

But even more than with our words, we want to show them.

Tim and I want our lives to be examples to our children – and while we will be flawed examples for sure – we want to live our lives in a way that is constantly pointing to Jesus. Whether it is here at home, or across the world, our goal is always to bring glory to our Savior.

(Driving from Port-au-Prince to Haiti.... Titus didn't make it out of P-A-P before clunking out... traveling is hard)

We were very honest with our children about the risks, dangers, and unpleasant possibilities that we would encounter on our journey. We were as diligent and thorough as we knew to be in preparing them and ourselves for whatever would come our way. Obviously our desire was to keep everyone as safe and healthy as we could.

I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I would love for each of my children live a long, happy, comfortable, life.

But ultimately, that’s not our primary hope and prayer for them.

Our prayer for them is that they love Jesus with all their heart, mind, and soul.

We pray that they follow and obey Him all of their lives.

Whatever that means.

(Helping the ladies at the compound lay out the washed laundry to dry)

Our ultimate desire is not that we (or our children) live safe comfortable lives.

Our ultimate desire is for us to live radical lives poured out for Christ.

We want to teach our children to be willing and prepared to obey Christ, no matter what that looks like. No matter how dangerous. No matter how unacceptable. No matter what.

(The kids helped bag rice and beans for the sponsored student's families)

FOR THE CHILDREN

I certainly don’t want to act as though bringing our children to Haiti was a completely spiritual act – we also wanted to bring our children to Haiti to give them an opportunity to set foot into a country & culture beyond their own. To see the world from the eyes and perspective of others is something that cannot be taught, but must be experienced. We speak so often in our home about other countries, and missionaries around the world, and how God calls all of us to reach the nations in one way or another. Experiencing a different country and culture is different than hearing or even seeing it on a screen. The sights, sounds, smells, faces, emotions, and relationships that you experience by doing and being is something that cannot be quantified or explained. We wanted our children to understand and experience that too.

FOR OTHERS

Another reason for bringing the kids with us on this trip, is because it is what our work in Haiti is all about. One of our primary hopes and objectives when we are in Haiti is to build relationships, to share in the lives of the people there. We want to get to know them better, and we want them to get to know us better. By bringing our children to Haiti, we hoped to share a part of our lives with those we were asking to share their lives with us.

(Audrey kept saying - "I have so many friends here - we love each other so much!!")

Children have a way of knocking down social walls and barriers that we don’t even realize are there. When our group would walk up with 4 children included in it, the neighborhood kids would immediately start playing with them, parents would smile down at them, and conversations were started. While watching our kids play with the kids (whether it was at the school, orphanage, or compound) it was easy to forget there was even a language barrier between them.

Alexa was surprised by how much the kids would touch and rub her arms and hair :)

FOR OURSELVES

I loved having my children with us in Haiti. Having them there with us, I saw Haiti in an entirely new way. I had always looked at Haiti from the eyes of a mother, because I am a mother, but to experience it with my children I began to see Haiti from the eyes of my children. I saw things I didn’t see before. I experienced things, I hadn’t experienced before. I realized things I hadn’t realized before. It was eye-opening and a blessing to experience so much with my children, to be able to talk through things, answer questions, and point out things to one another.

For us, bringing our children to Haiti is a decision we will never regret. It was an act of obedience. It was a great opportunity. It was an educational, eye-opening, fun, relational-building, family-strengthening, God-honoring ministry moment that none of us will forget. It was an honor and a blessing to be able to serve God, the people of Haiti, and our children in this way.

This little girl lives very near the school and was often around when we were. Treyton was really taken with her :)

Mark 16:15 “And he said to them, “Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation.”

Haiti: The Unexpected

2017-03-31T18:18:00.004-05:00

It's been 3 weeks since returning from our third trip to Haiti.

By now, I've usually blogged, or journaled my thoughts about the trip because it helps me to process through my thoughts and emotions.

In some ways returning home gets easier every time. In other ways. It gets harder.

My love for Haiti, and the people there, grows each time I return. I miss them when I'm not there. I cherish every moment with them when I am there. Leaving can be tough, and at the same time a relief. Coming home is bitter-sweet. The entire process of going to Haiti, being in Haiti, and returning from Haiti has proven to be a blend of emotions.

This trip was the most difficult of the ones we have taken, for a whole lot of reasons. We had several problems throughout our trip, but through it all we knew that God was in control, and we tried to take each opportunity to remember that this was HIS trip and not ours.

I have some "technical" posts I want to write, detailing our trip and what we did while we were there, but for today, I'll keep it a bit more about how I've been feeling, and thinking, since returning home.

Haiti is the first place I've ever traveled for a missions trip (domestically or internationally). I honestly can't remember exactly what I was expecting before my foot stepped off that plane in Port-Au-Prince, but I'm certain it hasn't at all been what I had originally thought it was going to be.

I knew within the first hour of being in Haiti that I was never going to be the same.

I knew by the time I returned that I was committed to serving Haiti wherever God would find a place for me, and I prayed it would be with Voice of Compassion (the non-profit that I had gone to Haiti with).

I knew after returning home that the people I had met in that first trip would never leave my heart and that they would always be with me, whether I would ever see them again or not.

What I didn't realize on my way to Haiti that first time, was that Haiti was about to become a part of me. Forever. And that God was going to use Haiti to do a major work in my life and in my heart.

From that very first visit, God began knitting my heart with Haiti and the people there, and that work continues even now. There was a lot about Haiti, myself, and the people that I expected that first trip. But there was a whole lot more that I wasn't. So this post is about all the things I didn't expect.

I never expected to love the people in Haiti the way I do. I knew I would care for them. I expected for the students, their families, and the orphans that we were going to be working with to touch my heart. I expected to meet one or two kids that I couldn't get out of my head. I expected to love Pastor Lavaud, because anyone I know that knows him, loves him. So I expected to care. I didn't expect to walk away after only a week with true Christ-centered friendships and a heart for not only "the people of Haiti" but the individuals I now knew by name; people that I now considered my friends, people that, (by the world's standards) I "barely knew" but that I genuinely loved.

I never expected to connect with the people there the way that I have. I think it's partly this connection that explains the unexpected love I have felt. I could go on-and-on about the people I've met in Haiti, namely the believers, who despite a language barrier, I have connected with on a level that I rarely experience here in the U.S.

It's difficult to explain, but it's as if the language barrier almost helps us to connect with the each other in a way that isn't possible otherwise. It forces us to connect based on other things that unite us, like our love for Jesus.

Honestly, I haven't had the pleasure of sitting and talking with most of my dear Haitian friends for hours at a time, getting to know their life stories, but I have looked into their eyes and shared moments of understanding, moments of joy, moments of gratefulness, and moments of deep sorrow. And in some of the most emotional of moments, we didn't have to come up with something special or meaningful to say with our words, we were given the opportunity to communicate, rather, with our eyes, our hearts, and our actions.

I've been able to look at them, and they me, and actually see them, and to feel as though I've truly been seen. It isn't always comfortable (for me at least). It can feel exposing, and vulnerable.

And in some ways, I believe it's the way that God intends for us to see one another. It's freeing. It's humbling. And it's something that forms a bond I wasn't expecting.

I never expected to feel sorry for myself.

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to admit this or not, but if I'm being honest I would tell you that I expected to "feel sorry" for the people in Haiti. Not only did I expect it, I guess I thought that's what I should feel. So I certainly never expected to walk away from my last visit, actually feeling "sorry" for myself and people here in America.

It is extremely difficult to explain what I mean, especially without coming across as judgmental (and I certainly don't mean it that way), but I'm going to try nonetheless.

There is something about the believers in Haiti that is very inviting, something I couldn't place right away, but that I knew I wanted for myself.

I saw it first in the face of the mother of one of our sponsored students during a home visit. We were speaking through a translator, but we managed to keep eye contact most of our conversation.

This woman, was.... inviting. I couldn't place what it was that made me like her so much and to feel at home by just being near her.

She was joyful. She was grateful. She was welcoming and humble, but also confident and secure. She had so little, and yet she opened up what she had to us.

I found out later, after talking to Pastor Lavaud that night at dinner, the woman (and her family) were members of the church, both her and her husband actually sing in the choir, and she has a great love for the Lord. I remember thinking, "Well, that explains it."

There is a simplicity of life in Haiti that no matter what changes I were to make here in America, I could never replicate here. There are many parts of their culture that are appealing to me (and many parts that are not), but what I'm really hungry for is the "thing" that the Christians there have, that we in the church of America, are often lacking. Despite their financial poverty there is a spiritual richness there among the believers that I would trade for in an instant!

Their complete dependence on God produces a genuine faith, a faith that I have struggled with most of my Christian walk. Their joy in the Lord is genuine, real, and contagious. Their love and generosity toward one another (even when they have little to give) is tangible. They share what little they do have with those around them.

They seem to live their lives with their hands "wide open" fully ready to give to the Lord all that He asks. Their grasp of life and it's frailty far succeeds anything we can comprehend here, and because of that, you don't see them fighting for control over the uncontrollable. There is not this sense of striving and struggle with the Lord that we so often have here in America.

The life of the Haitians is a difficult one. The church there is far from perfect (as it is everywhere in the world). They are not perfect Christians. I am certain that they have their own list of struggles, but as a Christian American, their lifestyle and the faith and strength of character it produces in them are very desirable, and something that, I wish I had. I wish we all had.

I never expected to think about Haiti as much as I do.

I expected to go to Haiti and to return thinking about my trip and all that I saw and experienced there. I didn't expect to think about Haiti to the extent that I do.

I now volunteer with Voice of Compassion helping to coordinate the Student and Orphan Sponsorship programs, so just in the work that I do, I'm constantly looking at, learning about and working with pictures and profiles of the students, their families and the orphans in Hinche; but even beyond that, I can't remember a day that has passed that I'm not thinking and praying for Haiti and the people there in one way or another.

My prayer list, as it now should be, is full of requests for Haiti and the people I know there. But even throughout the day, a thought of Haiti will jump up at the most random of moments, like:

When I turn on hot water,

or get a clean glass of water.

When I smell garbage burning.

When I hear a horn honking.

When I eat a mango, an avocado,

or when I drink a coke.

When I hear children singing.

When I pass a playground that is hardly being used.

When I hear music being played too loudly on someone's speakers.

When I see the color orange.

When I look up to the sky and see the stars.

I don't think of Haiti every time I experience one of these things, but my memories and affections for Haiti seem to always be on the cusps of my thoughts and they can be triggered (happily) at the most unexpected moments.

I never expected to grieve over Haiti the way I do.

Like I mentioned before, I expected to "feel sorry" for Haiti, but thats not what I feel, or at least that's not how I would describe it. The word I would use is actually more grief.

I grieve over the history of oppression and slavery that has seemed to dominate this country (and still does). Child slavery, in particular, is a major problem in Haiti.

I grieve over the injustices of corrupt leadership at nearly every level, and not only that it exists but that it has come to be expected.

I am grieved by the reality that many parents experience a loss of a child, and/or are often faced with decisions as parents that we cannot fathom here in America. There are many parents there that feel their only option is to give up their child to an orphanage (or worse) in hopes of a better life for that child, because of the inability to provide for their basic needs.

I am grieved by the consistent lack of basic needs for the majority of the people - food, clothing, water, health care, medicine, education, etc. - when so many of these things have been given and provided through humanitarian relief efforts, and yet because of poor planning and corruption they have seemed to do little good.

I am grieved that in many ways, Haiti just can't seem to "catch a break" - natural disasters, poor leadership, lack of education and resources, and spiritual bondage have all seemed to help create a cycle of struggle for the people in Haiti that is difficult to accept.

I am grieved by the reality that many orphanages there are ran as a business, rather than a loving environment for the world's "least of these".

I am grieved by the reality of voodoo and the darkness, pain, false-hope, suffering and struggle that it produces. The primary battle taking place in Haiti (and everywhere in the world) is not against flesh and blood but in the spiritual, and Haiti's open support of voodoo is causing greater harm than perhaps any other source.

I long for Haiti to be set free.

Lastly, I didn't expect for God to change me the way that He has through my experiences in Haiti.

I mean, I expected Him to change me. I wanted Him to change me. But I didn't expect it to be in the ways that it has.

I went expecting that my eyes would be open to poverty. Whereas what I really found was that my eyes were opened to spiritual wealth and the global Church in a way that I hadn't realized even was possible.

I don't ever want to go back to seeing God, the Church, and the world the way I saw it before.

Voice of Compassion's primary purpose isn't to bring some great relief to "fix" the financial problems in Haiti (though they do that as best they can with the gifts that God has given them), their primary purpose is to partner with long term missionaries and believers in other parts of the world, to come along side them, to encourage and support them in the work that they are already doing there. VOC may come for a week or two a year, but the people we are working with spend every day of their lives there.

I knew I was going to Haiti to support and encourage those who were already there, and I walked away after spending a week with Pastor Lavaud and many from his church encouraged and built up. God certainly uses his (global) Church to build and grow one another, and in some ways I feel as though I walked away with the best end of that deal!

Through watching the believers that I've met there pouring out their lives for the sake of the gospel where they are, I had to ask myself, is this what my life looks like where God has me? I came back from Haiti motivated to change, and I pray even now that God keeps that conviction and challenge alive in my heart.

Before hitting the "publish" button, I just want to be sure to clarify that I by no means think that what I am feeling, thinking or processing through is meant to be everyone's journey. God has chosen to use Haiti in my heart and life. I would assume for most people, Haiti isn't necessarily the tool God will use in their heart. I do, however, believe God has called (ahem, commanded) all of us to serve others through missional-gospel centered living, and that won't mean Haiti (or even international missions) for everyone. But it will mean something. We are all called to be sharing the gospel with others, to be serving the "least of these" both here and around the world, and standing up to advocate for and fight for the rights of those who are unable to do so for themselves. This doesn't mean we will all travel around the world to do the actual "work", but as believers, we should all be supporting (with our prayers, talents, and/or finances) the work that others are doing here at home and around the globe.

I encourage you to find missional work to plug into, in fact, I would even encourage you to find more than one. If any of you would like to hear more about Voice of Compassion and the work that they are doing, I would be more than happy to talk with you about it... though I'll warn you, you may get more than you bargained for, some tell me I'm a little "wordy"! :)

What I've Been Reading {2017} Book List

2017-03-15T09:52:00.003-05:00

One of the goals I set for myself this year is to read more.

I love reading, and the older I get I realize what a blessing it is to actually enjoy and learn from reading.

We also homeschool and we read aloud a lot together as a part of our school, both fiction and non fiction. Some of the best book discussions I've ever had have been with my kids, and that's just.... awesome.

In the past, for my personal reading time, I've spent a lot more time reading non-fiction than fiction. I read a lot of homeschool books, christian/Bible based books, books on speech and learning struggles, and other topical books on things that our family is into (Yes, I've actually ready several books on chicken coops). I plan on continuing to read these types of books (of course) but I really wanted to start reading more GOOD fiction.

A few of my closest friends and I started a book club last year and I think that is really at the foundation of what has gotten me back into reading fiction for myself.

All of that being said..... I plan on posting more often about the books that I've been reading. Mostly just for my personal records (I can't tell you how many times I've gone back to my own reading lists to find the name of a book).

So without further delay.... Books I've read so far this year.

Fiction

"The Kitchen House" by Kathleen Grissom

Goodreads Rating = 4.17/5

My Rating = 8.5/10

Book Club Selection for January

Honestly, my rating is probably higher for this book, it's up at the top of my list for favorites, but I struggle with commitment issues, hence, the 8.5 rating.

I LOVED this book. I mean, loved. It's set in the late 1700s early 1800s in the south. Pre-civil war (for those of you that aren't good with dates).

Dealing with issues of slavery, family bonds, love, survival, and life on a plantation. I was struck once again by the resolve of the slaves, the acceptance of their life, and yet their ability to persevere, love fully, endure and to continue, regardless of circumstances, to work hard and push through.

This was not a fairy tale book, in any sense. It was tough. It was truthful. It wasn't always pretty. But it was also heart-warming at parts. It was eye-opening and a reminder about how far we can stray from the laws of the Bible (and obvious human ethics) and yet think we have the right to do so.

This was one I could not put down, and well worth reading!

"The Help" by Kathryn Stockett

Goodread Rating = 4.45/5

My Rating = 7.5/10

I read this book after hearing about how it was similar to "The Kitchen House". It was set in the 60s (I believe) and deals with civil rights issues. I feel like most everyone has either read the book or seen the movie but me. I genuinely enjoyed it. It wasn't as "heavy" as "The Kitchen House" but dealt with some pretty real and tough issues. I can see why it was so well received, and then turned into the movie. Like with most books, I'm glad I read the book before I saw the movie, because the book was much better and offered much more insight and detail. I appreciated that there was some humor in this book, even in dealing with the heaviness of the reality of that time. You couldn't help but fall in love with the characters. I mean. Seriously. I wish they were real, and that they were my friends.

"Small Great Things" by Jodi Picoult

Goodread Rating = 4.38/5

My Rating = 8.75/10

I loved this book. The timing was impeccable and "coincidental" having read so many books dealing with race in America. I genuinely loved that the perspective of this book came from a thought-she-wasn't-racist white woman, a hard-working-middle-class black woman, and a white supremacist. The book (as quickly as I can describe it) is about a black nurse on trial for murdering a baby that she had been commanded to not touch (because of her race). Painful, real, raw, eye-opening on so many levels. I always love reading the author's notes and I love the amount of time Picoult put in to studying a subject that was so sensitive and important to our time.

"Atonement Child" by Francine Rivers

Goodreads Rating = 4.26/5

My Rating = 6/10

This was a good book. I just didn't feel like it was a GREAT book, parts of the book seemed somewhat predictable to me. A story about a young girl with, what looks to be, a perfect life in front of her. She's attending Bible college, engaged to a good-looking promising young man, but one night on her way home from work she's raped, and everything changes. She finds out months later that she is pregnant, soon after she's asked to leave the Bible college, and decides to move back in with her parents, where life continues to seem to unravel. I feel like Rivers did a great job handling some difficult topics. Overall, I'm very appreciative of some of the overarching biblical themes/lessons held throughout the book, like that God is sovereign AND good. I'm a big Rivers fan, so that's probably why I rated the book as high as I did. I felt like parts of the story really drug on. I also found parts of the book a little unrealistic.

"Truly, Madly, Guilty" by Liane Moriarty

Goodreads Rating = 3.55/5

My Rating = 2/10

Would not recommend this book in the slightest. So so so slow. I could NOT get into this book. If it wasn't for my personality of having to finish things, and see them through, there is no way I would have finished this book. Though I will tell you I skipped about 70 pages at one point, and no kidding, didn't seem to miss anything of useful/crucial value to the story.

I hate to give an outright negative review of a book, honestly, but with so many good books out there.... I have to recommend avoiding this one.

Young Adult Fiction

"Wolf Hollow" by Lauren Wolk

Goodreads Rating = 4.31/5

My Rating = 8/10

We read this book as a read aloud for school. We all genuinely enjoyed it. Based after World War 2 (I believe), it reminds me a little of "Little House in the Prairie" without nearly the overly-wordy detail. The kids all enjoy it and I don't think I read it once without them asking me to "read another chapter". The children loved the suspense of the book, and trying to figure out "who did what" - we always seem to have multiple perspectives and opinions, which makes for great discussion.

Based in Pennsylvania, it's told from the perspective of a young girl named Annabelle who lives in a quiet town, until Betty shows up, a girl who, from my perspective, is some type of socio/psycopath who takes pleasure in the pain of others. Betty's presence quickly causes Annabelle's (and the entire towns) world to turn upside down.

My kids and I would certainly recommend this book.

"The Inquisitors Tale" by Adam Gidwitz

Goodreads Rating = 4.23/5

My Rating = 3.5/10

Based in the middle ages about three unlikely (and outcast) children, a giant monk, a small jewish boy, and a peasant girl, becoming friends and joining together on a mission (against the king) that puts their lives in danger. I read this book because Alexa had wanted to read it and I wasn't sure if it would be age-appropriate for her. Throughout most of the book, I was fairly certain I would let her read it. There were a few things that I knew I would want to discuss with her (as you can imagine, the catholic church, saints, "miracles", and the middle ages would provoke a lot of much needed discussion) but nothing that I saw as a "deal breaker". (Side note: I tend to be a parent that wants to discuss these things rather than avoid them, and I can see why other parents would choose a different approach at certain ages and with certain children).

However, once I got to the end of the book, I did change my mind (without giving too much away) because there are some biblical characters/stories that are brought up at the end as a part of the story..... I tend to avoid writing that attempts to mix biblical history/characters with a fiction story, especially for the kids. I find it to be confusing at this age, and with so many other good options available, I would rather avoid it.

Non-Fiction

"The Broken Way" by Ann Voskamp

Goodreads Rating = 4.46/5

My Rating = 7/10

I loved the overall message of the book, but I struggled even more with this book than I did with 1000 Gifts with the poetic writing style of Voskamp. Some of the crucial points she is attempting to convey are hard to dig out of the muck of her musical tone. In many instances I find her writing to be beautiful, but 275 pages worth ended up being a lot for me.

The book is about sacrifice, and living out of our brokeness, living broken and poured out for the world around us the way the Jesus was an example to us all. True love does not happen without pain and suffering - it's sacrificial by nature. While, I didn't see anything in her writing that is directly heretical, I know many people complain about some of the liberties she takes with scriptures, and I can kind of see their points, but at the same time, the over-arching message was certainly in line with what scripture teaches.

"Nothing to Prove" by Jennie Allen

Goodreads Rating = 4.55/5

My Rating = 8.5/10

I was genuinely encouraged by this book. Easy to read. Well organized. Powerful message.

Dealing with the struggle of constantly trying to prove yourself and measure up to people, is one that I have (in spades). and no as I begin to serve in positions of leadership this struggle can feel debilitating at times. Using stories from the book of John Jennie Allen walks through the clear messages of the Bible that while we are not enough, Jesus is, and the freedom that comes from truly understanding this.

Some of my favorite quotes:

"We are not defined by our worst or our best: we are defined by our God."

"It's not my curse that I believe I am not enough; it's my sin that I keep trying to be."

"When we hide, we diminish ourselves, we diminish our worth, we diminish our belief in God."

Allen's writing is practical, real, and biblical. I love how honest she is lovingly pointing out some of our (those in the church) ongoing mistakes - like distracting ourself with entertainment (binge watching TV anyone?), distracting ourselves with the work of the mission rather than God himself, allowing our identity to be defined by lies, isolating ourselves from other believers, and more.

I highly recommend this book.

Book List 2016

2016-12-16T15:09:00.001-06:00

As the end of the year approaches, it always brings about reflection. Like most years, a lot has seemed to happen this year. Some good. Some bad. Some great. Some really tough.

Books have always been a tool that God has used in my life to help teach me, guide me, bring me some enjoyment and even a little comfort at times. So as I was reflecting back over the year, I couldn't help but thinking of some of the great books that I read throughout the year, as well.

For the first time ever, I'm a part of a book club, and I think I found another "home away from home" for myself. I love our little group so much. I'm blessed that all the members of the book club just so happen to also be my closest friends.

It's been a few years since I've even attempted a "book list" but I think it's time. Reading is in one of my top "favorite things to do.... ever" and I love sharing what I'm reading. I hope that you can browse through some of these titles and find a few good ones to tuck away for yourself.

I'm really hoping that next year I could possibly start posting my "monthly reading list" instead of a yearly one.

Non-Fiction

The Blessing of Humility by Jerry Bridges

I actually went through this book with a small group of women, and am glad that I did. I think that the discussion and insight of others has made this book even better (if that's possible).

Based on the Beatitudes, Bridges teaches the importance and blessings of humility (see what I did there) for christians. He makes the argument (and well I think) that the beatitudes are to teaching humility what 1 Corinthians 13 is to teaching about love. This book was well written, convicting and yet full of grace and hope. I've read several of Bridges books and have loved them all, this book is no exception.

Shes's Got Issues by Nicole Eunice
I heard about this book while listening to a radio program (possibly family life today). Anyhow, this book goes through the top five issues of women: control, insecurity, comparisons, fear, and anger. This book was so helpful to me. There wasn't a single chapter that I didn't at least somewhat relate to, and truthfully A LOT relate to. I would love to go through this book again, maybe with a small group of ladies.

Giddy-Up Eunice by Sophie Hudson

A much needed book for the church, and particularly women, today. Sophie is hilarious, which I love, but I can see how it may be tough for some readers to keep up with her message as well as her funny and even sarcastic banter. Again, I LOVED it, if anything it made me read the book faster and more voraciously, but I realize it may not be for everyone. This book is on the biblical importance of mentoring relationships between women in the church. She uses the relationships of Elizabeth & Mary, Naomi & Ruth, and Eunice & Lois as examples to what these relationships might look like. This book has reignited an already held passion for the importance of mentoring/deep friendships between women of all ages. Not the most "theological" book of all time, but certainly well founded on biblical principles. A good read!

Adopted for Life by Russel Moore

Fantastic book!! I am learning so much about the theology of adoption, the Biblical definition of adoption, heart issues surrounding adoption, information about orphans and most importantly I am seeing a glimpse of the heart of God towards us, his adopted children. This book is not just for those interested in adoption or supporting those who are - it's for EVERYONE. If you want to better understand your salvation and God's heart towards you, I would recommend this book.

Steadfast Love by Lauren Chandler

Quickly moving to one of my favorite reads. Of all time. I have always loved Pastor Matt Chandler and have been listening to him since.... forever, and now I love his wife Lauren just as much! This book is all about placing our security and hope in the Lord rather than the many idols we find all around us. It has been one of the most effective books I have read on helping me work through some of my anxieties and fears. It's been a little bit of a slow read for me only because it's one that I've had to process through bit by bit.

No Longer a Slumdog by K.P. Yohnannon

I got this book (for free) at least a year ago and had forgotten about it until recently when I happened to catch a glimpse of it as I was walking by our bookshelf and decided to picked it up. An hour later, I was still reading. Technically speaking it's an easy read. Content wise.... I have cried through most of it. Focused primarily on the terrible living conditions of millions of people leaving in India, it forces you to come face to face with the fact that there is so much work to be done and that God has called us to be a part of it. Someway. Somehow. This book has driven me to my knees to pray for the people in India, and to find out if God has a part for me to play in bringing glory to His name in that place.

The Hole in Our Holiness by Kevin DeYoung

Such. A. Good. Book. A must read for any Christian. Any where. The disconnect in our hearts and minds regarding the holiness of God, our sin and our purpose is (in most cases) HuGe. We need to pray and ask God to soften our hearts to seeing the severity of our sin and start taking the necessary self-disciplines seriously. DeYoung does a great job at biblically walking us through this, while reminding us of God's amazing grace. I actually started this group with our small group but we haven't actually met in a while so I had to finish it myself, I enjoyed it so much.

Women of the Word by Jen Wilkin

This is a very practical and applicable book for women on how to read and study and use the Word of God. We are sadly living during in a time in the church when books like this one are not read and applied often enough. I will be reading this book again.

The Mingling of Souls by Matt Chandler

A book on marriage, written for both marrieds and singles, using the Song of Solomon as a guide.

Powerful. Good.

Haven't actually picked it up in a while because I've started more books than I should have, and I may have actually forgotten about this one (~disappointing~). But now that I'm looking at it again, I remember how great it is, and I plan on finishing it.

Orphanology by Tony Merida and Rick Morton

Another book I cried through parts of. Not just for those considering adoption. Definitely for those who call themselves Christian and take following the word of God seriously. We are commanded to defend and take care of widows and orphans and that can look very different in every family. There is an orphan epidemic in the world, we don't have the luxury of closing our eyes to this problem. This book provides chapter-after-chapter of practical ways individuals and churches can work towards living out James 1:27 --- please, take the time to read this book.

Screens and Teens by Kathy Koch

This book is not one that I needed so much for my kids (yet) but for myself. Sometimes I don't realize how attached to my phone I am and one day, I'll have certain expectations of my children, and I want to set a good example now. It's title suggest it's heard for parents of teens, but it's not necessarily. It's really applicable to anyone with a cell-phone or computer.

This book does a good job of not simply bashing technology but showing the need for moderation and control - she talks a lot about tech-free times and areas to protect that which is sacred in our lives.

The book goes through common lies that technology causes/encourages us to believe. I tend to be an overly-logical person so there were times that I was a bit put-out only because I was like "Teenagers (and all people) have always believed that lie." However, that's me being nit-picky because regardless of the cause the lie still exists and technology absolutely does play into the common lies we've all always believed.

There wasn't anything particularly eye-opening or mind-blowing about the book, but it did remind me of some of the things I tend to ignore or overlook.

Missional Motherhood by Gloria Furman

Honestly, it took me a while to get through this book. It was good enough... it just.... I don't know, never caught my attention. Maybe it was because it was stuff I'd already heard a bunch of times before. Then again, there are lots of books I could say that about and yet I still loved them and needed to hear the truth being preached again and again. But this book, I found a little more boring and maybe less engaging. I really wanted to enjoy it because I had read several good reviews. So it may have just been me, or maybe I was trying to read it at a bad time.... I don't know.

Devotional

I usually use several devotionals throughout the year but this year I stuck to two, as I was also working on reading through the OT one time through and the New Testament and Psalms two times, in the year, and that took up the majority of my quiet time in the morning. Doesn't get much better than the straight up WORD OF GOD.

I usually try to read through the Bible every other year, and on the off year will work on reading a little more in-depthly smaller portions of scripture.

I love the idea of reading through the Bible in the year, but I have to be careful because sometimes if can become a checklist item and I'll forget to actually meditate and savor the Word the way I should.

The two devotionals I turned to throughout the year were

The Songs of Jesus: A Year of Daily Devotions in the Psalms by Tim Keller

Good. I didn't like the translation of the Bible he used, but the devotions were short and included a prayer which I really liked.

Morning & Evening by Charles Spurgeon

My go-to devotional every year for the past 3 years. I LOVE this devotional. I like that there are two entries, though I usually read them both in the morning. Love Spurgeon.

Based on a True Story

A Long Walk to Water by Linda Sue Park about two different 11 year olds living in Sudan at two different times, one in the 90s and the other in 2008. It's a small but powerful book. I ended up reading it in less than an hour and a half. LOVE. A must read.

Fiction

The Language of Flowers by Vanessa Diffenbaugh
I enjoyed this book. My favorite part was that the author actually wove in the victorian language of flowers, and I felt like I learned a lot - truthfully, I had no idea about the language of flowers, and on the off chance that you don't either.... In victorian times, the language of flowers was used to communicate (certain flowers held certain meanings and people would send them as messages to one another). Using the story of a girl who lived her entire life in the foster-care system and is now an adult who struggles making relational connections, the language of flowers is a deep and touching story.
I had a hard time relating to the main character, which I think is why I didn't "love" the book, but in saying that, I would recommend it, for sure.

Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers

Love. Love. Love.
I've read this book before (more than once) and it was as good the second and third and fourth time around as it was the first. I am fairly sure this book will remain my favorite fiction title for many many years to come. A beautiful portrait of the gospel, true love and forgiveness (of others and self). Highly recommend.

Miracle at the Higher Grounds Cafe by Max Lucado

My opinion on this book was.... ehhh. It wasn't bad it wasn't stellar. Overall, fiction books of this type of content tend to worry me as far as the theology that they may encourage. Pros: it was a "clean" book, not something I would be worried about my kids picking up. It was an easy read, finished it pretty quickly. Wouldn't necessarily recommend it.

Wonder by R.J. Palacio

Another book that I had picked up for Treyton but started skimming it before I actually gave it to him to read. Thought it looked great. Let him read it and then he told me I HAD. TO. READ. IT. He said it was one of his favorite books "Of. All. Time." (and I quote). It took me only a few days to read it. So so good. I cried. I'm still quoting parts of it to my kids (namely the mantra "It's better to be kind that right."). If you're looking for a good book for you or for your young man or woman. Look no further.

The Giver by Lois Lowry
I read this one as a read-aloud with the kids. We read several this year, and many of them we thoroughly enjoyed but this one definitely stuck with us. The kids and I are still talking about it.
When I first started it, I thought, oh great, another story about another utopian society, but the reality is, there's a reason why there is so many of these type of stories out there.... they're intriguing and really make you think. Is peace worth the loss of love and choice?
I love that the kids loved it as much as I did and I'm very grateful for the in-depth discussion we were able to have which included discussion on: the importance of memories, euthanasia/assisted suicide, the importance of choice (even when it's wrong), what a perfectly peaceful society might actually be like, would we want it, and at what cost, and best of all we discussed the reality that we have the hope of heaven and perfect peace which has been bought by the blood of Jesus and will not cost us true love, choice or hope.

The Pecan Man by Cassie Dandridge Selleck
I was surprised how small this book was when I got it. I read it in 2 or 3 hours one afternoon, while my laundry sat nearby waiting to be folded. I hadn't mean to start reading it, I had just picked it up and started reading the first couple of pages and the next thing I knew..... and hour had passed and the book "had" me. This book, set in the south eastern United States (Georgia or Florida, I think) is written in the first person as a recollection, or confession rather of a now old woman who knows the true story of a murder that happened in 1976. A murder that an innocent homeless black man paid the price for. I started reading just "knowing" how I was going to feel about the book, and as I turned each page I found myself more and more unsure. Proof that life is not black-and-white, I would absolutely recommend this book (and already have to several people :))!

Crossing Oceans by Gina Holmes
Not going to lie, I cried through most of this book. And not just tears. I mean. UG-lee. Cry. I felt an immediate connection to the main character, and through the ups and downs that she faced, I felt like I too was facing them. Such. A. Good. Book. Dealing with life, loss, death, dysfunctional family drama, true love, love lost, motherhood and so much more. I loved every minute of this book and will definitely be reading it again!

The Prayer Box by Lisa Wingate
Loved. Read this book in like a week. I was a little slow to make connections that I think others made a little sooner, but that's fine by me. Well written. Fun to read. Made me think. Also made me want to get better at journalling :)

The Steadfast Love of the Lord

2016-06-23T16:12:00.000-05:00

Today in my Bible reading, I came across several verses on the steadfast love of God. A few minutes later, as I was doing my daily browse of Facebook, I saw that a friend of mine had posted yet another verse on the steadfast love of God.

The Lord clearly had a message for me this morning, and without going into a really long explanation of the details, let's suffice it to say that I needed to hear these words today. And of course, He knew that.

Reminders are good.

God is faithful.

I don't know where you all find yourself today, and it doesn't really matter, whether you're in a valley or enjoying the mountain peaks of life, God's steadfast love will never change.

I pray that you all are as encouraged by these verses as I was today.

Isaiah 54:8

"In overflowing anger for a moment I hid my face from you, but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you" says the Lord, your redeemer."

Isaiah 54:10 (2 verses later)

"For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed but my steadfast love shall not depart from you and my covenant of peace shall not be removed" says the Lord, who has compassion on you."

Psalm 119:64

"The earth, O Lord, is full of your steadfast love, teach me your statutes."

Psalm 119:41

"Let your steadfast love come to me, O Lord, your salvation according to your promises."

Psalm 63:3

"Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you."

Psalm 136:1

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever."

Psalm 25:10

"All the paths of the LORD are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep His covenant and His testimonies."

The Lies of the Rabble

2016-06-22T08:32:00.002-05:00

One of my favorite things about reading and studying the Word of God, besides getting to know my Creator and Savior better, is the "coincidences" that so often seem to happen when you hear or read something in one place and than a day or two or maybe even a week later you read something similar to what the Lord was already speaking to you in a different place. Does that make any sense at all?

I commend you all for trying to follow me through this maze I call a train of thought.

Truly, you're all amazing!

I digress.

What I mean is, those times when you seem to hear a "random" scripture or nugget from the Lord and then a little while later you hear the same "random" verse or idea. It's creepy awesome and it's one of my favorite things about how the Lord works through His word.

This happened to me recently. I was reading in Lauren Chandler's "Steadfast Love" and she referenced the story in Numbers 11 where the Israelites began complaining about eating manna and how they longed for meat.

A few days later, I read the same portion of scripture in my Bible reading..... so I stopped, I said a little prayer and I started reading again. Slower this time. More intentionally.

I encourage you to read the entire account. It's a truly remarkable story and one that, if we're honest with ourselves may expose a few blindspots in our hearts and lives.

Numbers 11:4 "Now the rabble that was among them had a strong craving. And the people of Israel also wept again and said, 'Oh that we had meat to eat! We remember the fish we ate in Egypt that cost nothing."

According to Chandler, the rabble were those Egyptians who (going against God's will) were intermarried into the Israelite nation while they were still in Egypt.

The Israelite's craving was about far more than just food - it was ultimately a desire for the pleasures (the choicest parts) and conveniences of Egypt.

Egypt. The place of their greatest deepest bondage. The home of their slavery.

How could anyone want to go back to that?

It seems like such a ridiculous thing to say, and yet, it isn't all that different from what we do in our own lives.

We all have a tendency to lie to ourselves about our past, especially when the present isn't what we think we want. We question God's goodness and believe lies about what He has set us free from.

"The rabble" within us, is the part of us we've given over to things other than God. The part of us we "hold back" from complete surrender to Him. When we're honest, we all know we have our own form of "rabble" in the deep parts of our hearts. Our feeble attempts to keep the rabble under control rarely works, yet we continue to act like we control "it" and that it doesn't control us, but eventually the truth that the rabble is uncontrollable comes into full light when it rears its ugly head and demands its own way.

In verse 10 we're told the people were literally standing in the doors of their tents, weeping.

An adult-sized, communal, temper-tantrum!

While it may not look the same, I'm guilty of this same thing. Pitching my own version of a fit when life doesn't go my way. It may not always be verbal, but it's almost always obvious.

The Lord ends up (for good reason) punishing the people (v. 18-23) and He tells them exactly why (v.20) "because you have rejected the Lord who is among you and have wept before Him saying 'Why did we come out of Egypt?'"

"Because you have rejected the Lord."

That's exactly what we're doing when we complain and grumble about the places God has brought us to and blessings that God has provided for us.

The grass always seems greener.

When will we learn it is better to be in the dessert eating manna with the presence of God, than filling our "bellies" with the "choicest" foods the world has to offer all the while living in bondage?

We have to refuse to hear and believe the lies. The lies that tell us bondage is worth it, that the sin and compromise "cost nothing"! That we deserve whatever we want even when it's not what we need.

Rejecting God is the opposite of trusting Him.

If He's brought you to the dessert He has a good reason, trust Him to provide for you to get you through.

The dessert isn't easy, it isn't always pretty, but God is there, and He's speaking (maybe for the first time in nearly 400 years) He's providing, He's leading. Your job is to trust, to be grateful and to follow.

In my Bible reading this morning, I was brought to Psalm 66, I think it applies beautifully to what we've been seeing in Numbers, it says in verses 8-12

"Bless our God, O peoples;

let the sound of His praise be heard,

who has kept our soul among the living

and has not let your feet slip.

For you, O God, have tested us;

you have tried us as silver is tried.

You brought us into the net;

you laid a crushing burden on our backs;

you let men ride over our heads;

we went through fire and through water;

yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance."

Currently On My Nightstand

2016-05-10T18:34:00.000-05:00

I love books.

I mean love.

I'm pretty sure I love books even more than reading if that's even possible, because I love reading, too. I am typically reading multiple books at any one time.

Since returning from Haiti, I've been reading even more than normal.

I feel like this is a safe place and that I can be honest with you all: there's much (MUCH) I don't know.

I have always had a constant desire to know more and to do more with what I do know. It's one of the reasons this blog was started in the first place, it was basically a place for me to "talk" about what I was learning.

I love hearing from people who have been there and done that and studied in ways that I haven't (or can't). I like to read different perspectives on the same topic to get a full picture. I like to evaluate multiple sides.

I find that sort of thing fun. And very energizing.

Anyhow, I was recently looking at the many piles of books all over our house and thought back to a time when I used to blog about what I was reading (seems so so so long ago now), but I really enjoyed it. So.... I'm going to do it again. This may just be for me, and if it is, I'm good with that. Or maybe a few of you might find a book you may enjoy and be encouraged by.

So here is goes:

My Currently-Reading List:

Adopted for Life by Russel Moore

Steadfast Love by Lauren Chandler

No Longer a Slumdog by K.P. Yohnannon

When Helping Hurts by Steve Corbett

I haven't actually started this book, but have skimmed and picked at passages here and there. As Tim and I pray about where the Lord wants to use us, our heart continues to grow for missions and for those less fortunate that we are. However, we want to be wise with our resources and time and we want to learn from those who know more on the best and most effective ways to not only help, but to always bring the most amount of glory to God possible.

The Hole in Our Holiness by Kevin DeYoung

Women of the Word by Jen Wilkin

The Mingling of Souls by Matt Chandler

A book on marriage, written for both marrieds and singles, using the Song of Solomon as a guide.

Powerful. Good.

Recently Finished

Orphanology by Tony Merida and Rick Morton

Screens and Teens by Kathy Koch

There wasn't anything particularly eye-opening or mind-blowing about the book, but it did remind me of some of the things I tend to ignore or overlook.

*** Disclosure: There are affiliate links throughout this post, which means if you click on the link and choose to purchase the book, I may receive a small compensation. This by no means affects my review or reflections on the books.

Haiti 2016 - Day 7 & 8

2016-03-22T09:59:00.003-05:00

Tuesday morning we all woke up with gratitude in our hearts!! The playset had finally arrived!! The men were up and at the site by 5:30 (I think, I only woke up briefly as Tim kissed me goodbye).

Once us ladies got up and got ready, we ate breakfast just the 4 of us. Marie was in bed sick most of the day, due to the heat and a cold that she was fighting off. Lavaud made plans to bring the guys breakfast to eat at the park. The ladies decided to head on over and help out any way that we could at the park.

Once we arrived, we set up breakfast. At around 8 o'clock and the kids were making their way towards school, and the crowds were starting to gather.

The ladies had scheduled to meet with the students in the sponsorship program that are not yet sponsored to update their pictures and profiles. We also had dresses and t-shirts for each of them as well as goodie bags and Bibles.

(The first group of unsponsored students)

We were able to make contact with 24 of the 30 unsponsored students.

After the unsponsored party, it didn't take us long to realized that we needed to put up the temporary fencing in order to keep the kids out of the work area.

The women decided to take that project on while the guys continued to set up the equipment.

It was breath-taking to watch the play set be put up in one day the way that it was. The men worked tirelessly, and the Lord certainly blessed their labors. Lavaud had hired several local men to help, plus they had Zoko, Wilson, and the older gentlemen from the orphanage (his name escapes me right now).

It was a team effort.

The men continued their work throughout the afternoon while the ladies hosted our second sponsorship party at the school.

The second party was slightly larger than the first but everything still went smoothly. It was a great success!!

In the end we were able to make contact with 38 out of the 42 sponsored students!

And while we were there we added 3 new students to the program:

Tim and I ended up sponsoring Dienaylo've.

Monica & Dan sponsored a little girl.

and Lynn picked out a new sponsor girl for her brother after we learned that his old sponsor student had moved to Port-au-Prince.

Being "on the ground" (so to speak) watching the sponsor student program in action really ignited something in my heart for the program.

It is an amazing opportunity to become involved in the work in Haiti as well as forming a relationship (across the miles) with a child. There are still students available to be sponsored! The funds that are sent help pay the teachers at the school, provide uniforms, school supplies and other school costs (like seating, blackboards, maintenance, etc.) The more kids that are sponsored the more the program grows, the more funds the school has to grow and to maintain a healthy educating atmosphere!

I challenge each of you to prayerfully consider sponsoring a child. The cost is $25 a month (or $300 a year). Voice of Compassion has worked hard at keeping administration costs very low, in fact most everyone who works with VOC does so as a volunteer, over 95% of the funds coming in go directly to the school, and the majority of the other 5% actually goes to pay those in Haiti who help administratively on that end.

If the Lord leads you to partner with Voice of Compassion through the student sponsorship program to make a difference in the lives of the children in Haiti, please contact me and I can get you the information you need.

The guys did decide to head back to the compound for lunch to get a good meal and lots of fluids.

They headed back to the playground right away though and worked until dinner time.

By the end of the day most of the playground system was assembled and in the ground in the concrete! May all the glory go to God for what He was able to accomplish in His own timing, and His own way!

Our flight was scheduled to leave Wednesday afternoon around 4 (I think), so we had a little time Wednesday morning to head back over to the playground. The guys were already there by the time the ladies got there (I'm not sure what work needed to be finished that morning), as we pulled up we could see the large crowd of children surrounding the play area.

Dienaylo've was by my side as soon as I hopped down out of the truck. I grabbed her hand and started walking around taking pictures. She handed me a note written in creole, I couldn't read it but I tried to tell her I would have a translator read it for me.

She wasn't her normal smiley self, so I just grabbed her hand and kept her close to me. I went to tell her I would be leaving today. She knew. A tear filled up in one of her eyes, which she quickly blinked away. I was not so lucky.

Not long after we got there Lavaud led us all in a dedication. We sang "How Great Thou Art" and part of another song I didn't recognize, he prayed and then spoke (mostly in Creole).

Afterward, he let a few children play on the equipment for about 10 minutes (it still wasn't completely dried) these few short moments standing in the middle of a play ground system, that 2 days prior we weren't even sure would get completed, watching the kids play and scream and laugh.... it was amazing and I will never forget it.

God isn't God because He made everything work out and got the play system up. God is God because He knew all along the timing and what needed to happen and how it needed to happen when we didn't.

In this situation it all "worked out" from our point of view, but even if it wouldn't have, God would still be God and He would still be good, and He would most certainly have been in control of the situation.

I am so grateful and humbled to have been a part of this trip with this group of people. I learned so much. I was stretched for sure.

Everyone was able to use their unique God-given gifts and talents for the glory of God. We relied on one another. We grew together and we worked together.

I praise God for all He did - for the things seen and unseen.

By the time the dedication was over we needed to head back to the compound to eat lunch.

This was the moment we had to say good bye to Dienaylo've....

It was one of the hardest moments I can recall in my life.

I felt as though I were leaving a piece of myself with this little girl and as though I were letting her down.

I had never meant to become so attached. I had never intended for her to become so attached. I wanted to bring her home with me. I don't speak much creole but I told her over and over how much I loved her, and how much Jesus loved her. I cried over her. I prayed over her. I pleaded with the Lord to bring her peace and for me to actually have the strength to walk away.

I have no way of knowing what the Lord has in store for Dienaylo've or for our family. But I do know that she is forever a part of our hearts and our family. I know the Lord brought us in each others lives for a reason. Tim & I continue to pray for her daily and we will continue our sponsorship of her for as long as needed.

Tim & I plan on going back to Haiti. We have committed, Lord willing, to going every year to work with the sponsored students, updating the profiles and making contact with the sponsored family's and students. I look forward to seeing all the familiar faces again and to see what new things the Lord has for the people of Haiti.

(One last motorcycle ride for Monica and I)

Haiti 2016 - Day 6

2016-03-18T11:57:00.001-05:00

(Random: A closer picture of one of the kites the boys from the orphanage had made and use)

Day 6 in Haiti, Monday.

Monday morning the ladies and a few of the men continued with our home visits in the Rhode area. We were able to make another 8 (or maybe 9) visits. We handed out dresses, underwear, family bags, Bibles, peanut butter, reusable feminine bags and candy

As enjoyable as the home visits were, and they were, they could also get a little stressful when you were trying to figure out who belonged where, which kids go with which families. The children would follow you around regardless of whether you had already visited their home, some of them were easy to remember that you had already seen, and others weren't as easy.

Being a hard-core "rule-follower" it is sometimes hard for me to not insist on fairness and justice at all times. I would find myself getting worked up over things that in the end didn't matter as much as I thought they did at the time. I realized the more home visits we did that I was just going to have to trust in the Lord regarding who got what, even when it wasn't always "fair".

(Our translator, Jimmy, explaining the word-less gospel bracelets. The women really enjoyed these and many of them asked for extras with the cards so that they could share them with their friends. I loved the idea of giving the women something pretty & special with an eternal message that would hopefully change their heart.)

I know that I've gone on about the dresses before, but they were truly a blessing to the people there in a way that I never expected. The people there really have so little that something as nice as a dress is worth more than you may expect. They were always grateful for the dresses. I look forward to the next time I go and I hope to come up with something more for the boys too.

It was really nice to have some of the guys join us on the home visits, not just for "protection" but also for being our pack mules :) They did a great job of lugging the heaviest bags around that were full of feminine products, dresses and underwear.

(Tim snapped this picture as we were walking through Rhode on our home visits, of a new house being built. They're obviously at the beginning stages but I think the picture speaks for itself)

Monday afternoon, the ladies put on our first student sponsorship party. There were 40 students that were sponsored. We decided to break them into two groups of about 20 each and host two smaller parties than one bigger party. Looking back, this was a great idea.

Monday's party was primarily of students who had been sent gifts from their sponsors, which we knew would take a little more time.

Lynn had put a form together and had it translated into Creole for the students to answer for their sponsors. Things like their favorite colors, things they enjoy doing, their favorite subject in school, etc.

After the kids filled out their sheets and took updated photos, we had them go into one of the classrooms where we put on a puppet show (in creole) about the wordless book and the gospel message.

The party was for the sponsored students, but they were also allowed to bring their parents (and there were a few siblings there as well). Lynn shared with the parents about the sponsorship program and why the sponsors do what they do, and the reason is because of the gospel and what Jesus has done in their lives. The sponsor's relationship with Jesus and their hope for the sponsored students to hear the gospel continually is what motivates them to sponsor the students.

We centered the entire party around the good news of what Jesus has done and the good news of the gospel. We also made sure to promote Lavaud's church so that those families who do not currently attend the church would have a place to go to learn more.

After the puppet show we split them up and had some of the students make paper bag puppets and the other group make wordless gospel bracelets.

Then the groups switched, so that all the kids were able to do both activities.

Towards the end of the party each student was given a backpack with goodies and a few small toys. We also had a dress for every girl and a tshirt for every boy.

At the first party, we also handed out the bags and gifts from the sponsors for their specific students, including the three goats that were purchased. Many of the gifts included letters, so we would have the translators read the letters that were sent.

We were hopeful that the playset might make it out of customs sometime on Monday. The plan was to have a truck there first thing in the morning. The guys after taking a closer look at the big truck began to realize that it wasn't in prime condition to make the trip. Lavaud started looking into, and eventually went with having the play set delivered by a trucking company.

The playset did eventually make it, but it didn't actually arrive until 12:30am Tuesday morning. The guys stayed up and went over to unload the truck.

You could feel the excitement! Such a great feeling to finally get the set there!!

Haiti 2016 - Day 5

2016-03-17T09:10:00.001-05:00

Sunday in Haiti.

Church Day!!

I cannot put into words how blessed I was to worship the Lord among our brothers and sisters in Haiti! Truly. It was AWESOME!

One song they sing that I can actually pick up on is "How Great Thou Art", I loved being able to sing along in English while they were singing in Creole. I can't begin to imagine what heaven is going to be like but I can't help but wonder if every tribe and nation will ever sing in their own tongue worship to our God. What a glorious sound that would be.

Tim had the privilege of preaching. It went better than I expected. I don't think I've ever really heard an entire sermon translated line by line, but this was not Lavaud's first time, and it seemed to go well.

Tim spoke on the Faithfulness of God.

Dienaylo've found me after the service, which was an extra special moment for me. I loved spending any time I could with her.

After the children from the orphanage left, we went upstairs and had lunch.

Following lunch, Lavaud took us sight seeing to a waterfall. No work is allowed on Sundays so sightseeing was a much better option than just sitting around all day.

Once we got to the waterfall area, a large crowd of people gathered offering to be our "guides" on the trails to the cave. Lavaud selected two guides. The people there are so desperate to get money they will often times attempt to provide you "services" that you don't need or didn't ask for and then expect some form of payment.

While I would love to just pay everyone, you simply can't. Honestly, there are just too many of them, and by even trying to do that, you'd put yourself at risk.

Regardless of the fact that Lavaud had been very clear that he would only be paying two guides we had a crowd of "guides" attempting to help us (especially) the ladies as we hiked the short way to the cave.

At one point one of the men had grabbed my arm and was "walking me" along the trail. I told him "No, De (two)" and I pointed to our guides, trying to tell him we already had two guides (he knew), he didn't let go. I pulled my arm away and rushed up ahead a few feet where Shaun was walking ahead of me. I grabbed Shaun's arm. I think I startled him because he jumped and said "What?!?" (Apparently it's not typical of me to walk up behind one of my best friend's husband and grab his arm). I said "I need your arm! Just go with it."

(Side note: Tim was no where to be found, he clearly would have been my first choice --- but this was typical in Haiti for me. I cannot tell you how many times I asked "Where's Tim?" and no one seemed to know. He was usually with Lavaud or Jerry off "learning something" somewhere but rarely was he where I thought he was.)

The caves were beautiful.

(This is Juninho, he was the son of one of the women who worked in the kitchen at the compound so he was around most of the week. Him and Monica became very close, and he was able to join us on our outing out to the falls.)

We stopped at a smaller "cave" where we took pictures.

Tim, who had apparently been off "learning" somewhere, told me later that it was actually a voodoo cave where they perform ceremonies, there was a bunch of wax from the candles they use inside of the opening.... I had no idea.

The large cave had ancient carvings on the wall, which was really neat to see.

There were also bats, which thankfully were high enough up that I could barely see them unless Isaiah would point them out to me as they flew across.

After walking back down, the boys (I mean men) started a "little" rock throwing contest.

It was in these moments I realized how competitive Lavaud was.

Lavaud is an amazing man. He works tirelessly to serve the people of Haiti and to bring glory to God. He is giving and kind. He is a leader.

He can be serious when he needs to be. He is wise. And he's one of the most joyful people I think I've ever met.

His smile is contagious and his laughter is infectious. And he is most certainly competitive :)

In the end, I believe it was Isaiah who won the rock skipping contest with Lavaud in second place.

Danielle and I were the judges.... I'm not going to lie, judging wasn't easy, but we did our best to be consistent (it's hard counting the little skips at the end).

Driving out to the waterfall we were able to see a lot more countryside and the more rural living conditions.

It was beautiful scenery, the hills were breathtaking. There obviously weren't as many people and the conditions in some ways seemed better and in other ways seemed worse.

We stopped on our way back when Lavaud saw a pile of wood that he wanted to buy. As he was off talking to the man who owned the wood two young boys walked up to where we were sitting. Unlike the kids in the city, they said nothing, they just looked at us. Monica had a couple pieces of candy so she reached down and handed them each a piece.

The older boy opened his tootsie roll and put it in his mouth. The younger boy, I'm not sure, had ever had candy before. He had a hard time figuring out the wrapper and it was only after looking at the older boy did he put it in his mouth. After they both chewed on their (different flavor) tootsie rolls for a few seconds, they took the candy out of their mouths and switched with each other.

Neither boy ever said a word.

Neither boy ever smiled.

They just stood there.

Looking at us.

It broke my heart.

I don't exactly know why, but those two boys, especially the younger one, have stuck with me in a big way.

I cried as we drove off, looking at their sweet little eyes and solemn faces, I don't think I will ever forget them.

Once we got back to Hinche the guys decided they wanted to head to the playground area. We were hoping and praying to get the play set sometime Monday and they wanted to make sure they were completely ready. The ladies decided to pack up a few family bags and do some home visits with Pastor Lavaud around the Rhode school. We had 12 family bags left.

Once we got to the area the we were all amazed at what we found.... most of the holes were already dug. The older gentlemen who is the custodian for the orphanage had done the work!

There was a little bit of work that still needed to be done so the guys stuck around to do that while Lavaud and the women started visiting homes.

It was nice walking through Rhode with Lavaud because he was able to explain and talk us through a lot more of the area. We learned a lot in the little bit of time we had.

(This is a traditional toilet, Lavaud had just had a 6 family latrine built for this area - it is the blue building you see in the picture above this one. It hadn't been dedicated yet so it wasn't in use yet but it was a nice private area and I am sure it will bless those families who are able to use it.)

(The Simon family, both mom and dad sing in the choir at church. We visited this family twice because their son Gavenson is also sponsored through the student sponsorship program. They were truly a sweet and sincere family that loves the Lord.

Our goal was to visit 12 homes with the bags that we had, but the sun was going down and the darker it got, the more of a crowd we seemed to attract. It was getting difficult to move about and in some ways a little more frightening.

At one point the guys pulled up with the truck and that was our cue to leave. I think we had made it to 4 homes.

The home visits were always humbling and eye opening. I loved getting to know the families that lived in the Rhode area as well as the families that send their kids to the Rhode school. To go to some place like Haiti is great, but to actually make personal contact and to look into the faces of the people we've been praying for for so long was something that touched my heart in a really big way.

It's amazing to see on a larger scale what it really means that God is able to see, and know all things, of all people, in all places. Being so far away from home and realizing how different life is in Haiti (and in other parts around the world) and yet knowing that God is as fully present there as He is here is incredibly humbling and brings me to a place of awe.

I've always known that God is sovereign and omniscient and omnipresent and all of those things, but being in Haiti and meeting these people opened my eyes to a glimpse of what that actually means and it is.... humbling and also revealing of the greatness of our God.

Haiti 2016 - Day 4

2016-03-15T09:42:00.001-05:00

Saturday saw a little bit more of the same. The guys continued to sift and transport sand to the work site as well as prep the ground a little more.

They planned out the layout and began to mark out where things were going to go and where they were going to need to dig holes.

Towards the end of the day Saturday they went to start digging there first hole and it didn't take long to realize the holes were not going to be easy to dig. The ground was very hard and they were going to need more than just a shovel.... I think I even caught a glimpse of a few of them using pitch axes!

(Any time the guys were working at the playground sight, they would draw a crowd of kids standing around the edges watching them. All of the men were so great with the kids, they would play games and tricks with the kids making them laugh and smile. The kids would constantly call out "blanc" "blanc" and "you" "you" to get our attention .... I love how you can see the kid in this picture actually saying it.)

The ladies spent part of the morning reorganizing and regrouping our supplies to prepare for the sponsored student parties and more home visits, after we were done we headed over to the orphanage to spend some more time there.

The purpose of our visits on Saturday was to just hang out and spend time with the kids having fun.

We played catch with some the kids for a while.

Painted fingernails and toenails.

Got our hair done (they loved playing with our hair).

Shaun's daughter (who is 9 years old) had made and sent a long a bag of crocheted flower hair clips to hand out to the girls. We decided to hand them out at the orphanage.

It was so much fun to see the excitement on the girls' faces to get hair clips that another little girl over 1000 miles away had spent time to hand make for them.

It just goes to show that anyone can make a difference in the lives of others with just a little time and creativity.

We eventually ran out of Breigh's hair clips and started handing out some other (store bought) hair clips that had been sent along.

The girls were a little disappointed. They all wanted the ones Breigh had made!!

While we were there on Saturday I snapped some pictures of the actual orphanage. Like I mentioned before, I've never been to any other orphanage I don't really have anything to compare Lavaud's orphanage to, based on personal experience. However, I have done a fair amount of "research" regarding orphanages around the world and based on what I know from books, seminars, and documentaries, Lavaud's orphanage is designed and run very well.

The kids at the orphanage, for the most part, are as well off (if not better) than those not in the orphanage, as far as actual physical needs go. They are automatically sent to school and church. They are guaranteed 3 meals a day and clothing. There are several workers at the orphanage and while they are certainly out numbered :) they are not so outnumbered so that children are not well provided for or not known. At almost any point I could walk up to a worker and ask a specific question about a child and they knew the answer, without needing a file or asking the child directly. The workers know the children and that is very crucial when it comes to the emotional and mental development of any child.

All of the children in the orphanage spend time together without separation of age (which is also important to development). The kids are continually given access to people who come in to show them love, they are not left alone in dark rooms with little access to people or the outside world (like so many orphanages around the world).

I spoke at length with a few of the ladies in the orphanage on Saturday and asked a lot of questions about how/when the kids age out of the orphanage. The orphanage itself is not actually that old, so they haven't actually had a lot of kids age out yet. The oldest child currently in the orphanage is 17 years old and it is my understanding that she is being trained to help work at the orphanage.

(While we were there, food was delivered to the orphanage, one of the bags of rice busted open, here is one of the orphanage workers and few of the children scooping up the rice. I assume it is to still be used.)

The workers assured me that there is not a specific age at which children are "kicked" from the orphanage but that they work to ensure that the child would have a place to live and a way to have their needs provided for, whether it's finding placement in an already established home or the ability to provide for themselves. I look forward to my next trip to Haiti when I can speak more with Lavaud about the orphanage from his perspective.

(So a couple of the boys at the orphanage had these little hand crafted kites made from tin cans, string, sticks and a plastic bag.... they worked really well, Tim and I were very impressed with their creativity and craftsmanship :))

While we were there on Saturday, Lavaud took the time to walk us ladies down to where the market is held.

The corner field near the Rhode school and orphanage turns into a busy market every Saturday where people spend all day negotiating, buying and selling. People come for far away to participate. It was a very unique site to see, I can't think of anything here to compare it to.

We had some of Lavaud's workers go to the market to buy 3 goats for sponsored families in the program whose sponsors had sent funds down to do so.

The goats were housed near our bedroom at the compound while waiting to make it to their new homes.... lets just say that goats make a little more noise than what I had realized. While they're certainly not as bad as the roosters, they weren't exactly quiet either. :)

Tim and I talked once about getting a goat one day.... I am now rethinking that decision.

While walking to and from the market we met a lot of kids a long the way. Walking through the Rhode area around the school and orphanage I found it impossible not to fall in love with the people there.

While it could be overwhelming at times (a better word might be exhausting), people constantly looking to you for something, wondering what you had, if you were going to give them anything.... it was also a reminder of why we were there.

These people are desperate in many ways, and it can be defeating when you realize you will never ever be able to fix all the needs and problems. What I had to remember as we walked along the roads and visited families in their homes, was that while it would be easy to think that their greatest needs were something physical (food, clothing, etc.) what they really needed most I have in abundance and I could never run out of it to give. And that is Jesus.

There is a language barrier, yes, but that's never hindered God before! We did our best to communicate through our translators at every home we visited that we were there in the name of Jesus. We handed out creole Bibles to every family we met, and we shared the wordless gospel bracelets. It's hard not to think, we could have or should have done more. But I refuse to let the enemy work in my head and heart that way.

The reality is we did as much as we could, and everything we did we did with a heart of prayer and with God's glory in mind. It's easy to look at the pictures and to be moved emotionally (at least it is for me) but that means nothing if we aren't actually moved to action. (BIG SIDE NOTE: and that doesn't necessarily mean "going" to another country).

Going to Haiti helped me to realize not only the work that needs to be done in Haiti, but also here at home. The great commission is not just for overseas and its certainly not optional. Am I spending my life (not just one week in Haiti), giving people what they need most?

It's easy to see needs among the poor, but do I also see the desperation among the rich? It's easy to have a heart for Haiti, but do I share that heart for the people and place where God has placed me to live my daily life?

The trip to Haiti changed me, in a lot of ways, but one way that I particularly want to remain zealous in is for the life long mission that God has called me to, here, there, wherever. Am I willing to give all that I have for His service and for His glory and to make HIS name great among ALL peoples?

(This picture is just a frightening reminder to me that Tim did in fact drive in the crazy traffic of Haiti.

For him this was probably some sick check mark on his bucket list,

for me.... it was quite possibly the most nervous I was the entire time we were in Haiti.

He of course did great, and as far as my knowledge goes no one was ever harmed while he was behind the wheel :)

Haiti 2016 - Day 3

2016-03-14T14:13:00.002-05:00

Day 3, Friday, though it's impossible to actually pick, was probably one of my favorite days.

Friday the guys spent most of their time shoveling sand. I cannot tell you how hard these men worked! Seriously, they would take turns rotating through shoveling the sand, I'm not positive but I think I heard 6 minutes on 6 minutes off at one point (?). It was hot and sunny, but regardless of how hot or sore they got, all of them pitched in and gave it their all, not only in sifting and shoveling the sand but also in finding anything and everything they could to be helpful and useful.

As the days ticked by, it was hard, to not get frustrated by the circumstances but the guys never let that give them an excuse to do nothing. They were there for a reason, and they knew that, even if they weren't sure exactly what the Lord had in mind.

Friday morning, because the kids were off of school (due to Mardi Gras), we decided to visit the orphanage to hand out the pillow case dresses and underwear to the boys and girls there. We also wanted to make home visits to some of the sponsored students of those who were on the trip as well as those who were specifically sent gifts and letters from their sponsors.

We loaded up the truck with everything we would need - suitcases full of dresses, underwear, backpacks filled with trinkets and treats for each kid, family care packages and reusable feminine products. As we were headed out (literally backing out of the compound) a couple of the families that we had on our list to visit walked in.

One of the boys, Cene, is sponsored by Shaun (who was there in Haiti) and his family. Shaun had met his sponsored student the year before when he was in Haiti. His family had put together a package for him and we had a family package for his family. Cene came with his mother.

There were two other sponsored students there, one with his mom, the other with her dad.

We handed out their gifts from their sponsors, family care packages, underwear for the boys, pillow case dresses for the girls, as well as reusable feminine packages to the women.

I have to insert here how amazing our translators were. Seriously. We had brought LOTS of reusable women's products with us, and we not only needed to hand them out but we also needed to explain how to use them. I would say the majority of the women didn't realize exactly how to use and care for the products, so the explanation part was crucial.

Both of our translators were male.

They were both helpful and gracious, making this process relatively painless and as comfortable as they could (for all of us).

After spending a little time with the families, we continued on our way to the orphanage. Several of the men came along as well to help hand things out and to assist with "crowd control".

(The road up to the school and orphanage)

Once we got to the orphanage, we had the kids line up in two lines - boys and girls. I was surprised to realize that there were more boys in the orphanage than girls.

We had the translators go down the line and write the name of each child on their new bags.

Inside of each of the bags were bubbles, sun glasses, hair clips, glider planes, jump ropes, balls, candy, toothbrushes, cars, raisins and crackers.

Our hope was to give each orphan something that they could each call "their own", they have so few possessions and we wanted each of them to have something for themselves.

We then went down the line and gave each girl a pillow case dress, and each boy 2 pair of underwear.

The kids were beyond excited. I was worried that the boys wouldn't be as excited about getting underwear as the girls were about their dresses, but that was not the case at all. The boys were possibly even more excited!!

Most of them were very grateful, it was hard to keep it together, emotionally. I felt so humbled at having the privilege to hand out these dresses made by women far more talented than I am who spent time not only sewing the dresses but also praying for each and every girl that would be receiving them.

At one point, after each of the girls had received a dress, a little girl, who couldn't have been much older than 5 or 6 walked up to Tim who was standing next to me, she placed her hand on his side and looked up at him (she was so small standing next to his 6'2" frame), he looked down at her and smiled and she said in the sweetest voice "merci" (which means Thank You). Tim looked up at me, both of us with tears in our eyes.... it was one of the sweetest moments I experienced there.

Almost every kid had said "Merci" when they were handed their new clothing, but for this little girl to seek one of us out, afterwards and to say Thank you, again.... it was genuine and sincere. We were so blessed by that moment.

(The girls were able to look at pictures of the ladies who had gotten together to make their dresses, they were excited when they could find their dresses among all the others on the rack!)

Lavaud had come up to me later and told me what a blessing the dresses and underwear were for the orphanage. They had had new clothes in the budget for the students but had needed to cut it due to some other unexpected expenses. The clothes were an answer to prayer for the orphanage. God fulfilled a need without us ever realizing the need was there.

After handing out the dresses, we were able to spend a little time at the orphanage and play with some of their new toys.

(Here the girls are showing me where they sleep)

It was in these moments that I really began to fall in love with the kids at the orphanage. The more time I would spend with them, the better I got to know them. I began recognizing their faces and their names (which is not my strong suit). Each and every one of them was full of life, with their own personalities. I felt especially connected to Dienaylo've (the girl in the red) who always seemed to find me and stick near my side.

(We always got a nice "send off" anytime we would leave)

We left a little before noon to visit a few sponsored students before lunch.

The first house we stopped by was near the school. We dropped off the gift sent by the sponsors as well as some of the other goodies we had with us (dresses, underwear, feminine products, etc.)

The second house we stopped by happened to be the family that Tim and I sponsor. We sponsor twins, the same age as our daughter Alexa, a boy and a girl.

They lived quite a ways from the school. We were told later it was about a 30 minute walk.

The twins, Sterlin and Sterine, are the oldest children in the family, they have 2 younger siblings. Their dad was very grateful and friendly, the mom was also grateful but far more reserved and quiet.

The hardest part about the home visits is the unexpectedness. There are no home phones in Haiti, so it's not like they knew we were coming. As we walked up to the Damus home, the mom and our sponsored kids were in the house getting dressed in their Sunday best. They had about 15 seconds before they realized we were coming and they used it the best they could. Mom was busy brushing Sterine's hair, and had asked that we not take pictures until she was done.

The sponsored families realize the importance of their sponsors and they want to do their best respecting the visits and the people who are coming. They don't have much, but they are hospitable, they usually would pull out a plastic chair for us to sit down at.

Sterlin, the young boy we sponsor was smiley and outgoing.

Sterine was shy, but did her best to follow her brother's lead in talking with us (through the translator).

The entire family was a joy to meet. We had brought a bag of items for each of the kids.

Sterlin got a soccer ball, shorts & a shirt, stickers, shoes, underwear, a pump, candy and snacks.

Sterine got a family of dolls, stickers, a dress, underwear, shoes, candy and snacks.

Both kids had huge smiles on their faces as they began to go through their bags. I think Sterlin was most excited about the soccer ball.

The Damus family lived in a very quiet area compared to most of the other houses we visited. It was slightly more rural. We learned while we were there the family rents their home and that the dad was a wood worker, he builds furniture and does wood carvings.

Saturday afternoon, after lunch, the ladies and our two translators decided to take a walk through downtown Hinche to see more of the area.

We saw the justice building, the library, the catholic church, the supermarket and the park.

I really enjoyed being able to see the area a little more. It's amazing to me the way things work there. How they do the things that they do.

Everything seems different, most of the time harder, but they make it work.

It functions for them, even if it isn't the most efficient or latest and greatest way of doing things.

The sense of community in Haiti (though I really can only speak of Hinche) is much higher than anything I've seen here in the states. People don't just hang out at home or spend their time watching TV. People are out and about, not necessarily working, but socializing for sure. You don't have people walking around with their noses in their smart phones, they're always present.

In some ways, you would think they wouldn't have the access to one another the way that we do (with all of our social media), but the opposite seems to be true. As we walked down the streets with our translators people they knew would walk up to them and shake their hands and talk, it may seem obvious and simple but it actually made me realize how little you see that here.

Physical touch in Haiti is also much higher than in the States. It is not uncommon for two male friends to walk down the street holding hands (and for them to be "just" friends). They walk closer together. The sit closer together (which is shocking to me considering the heat). Hugs are common. Holding hands is common.

It wasn't uncomfortable, but it was different.

I enjoyed it. It made you feel and realize the sense of community and friendship that is present there, and it's something I wish we had more of here.

Haiti 2016 - Day 2

2016-03-11T09:50:00.001-06:00

I woke up on our first full day in Haiti, relatively well rested. Thanks to the sleep aids and earplugs I only woke up once during the night. Temperatures, albeit warm, were comfortable enough to sleep. And there was power at the compound throughout the night so we were able to run a fan for a little white noise in our room.

(The view from the third floor of the compound)

(This is the church -the metal roofed building- I am looking down from the third floor of the compound)

We ate breakfast all together, we actually ate every meal all-together with Pastor Lavaud, at one long table. Meal times were a relaxing break, guaranteed 3 times a day. There was always plenty of food, cold(ish) "real" cokes or warm coffee (depending on the time of day) and amazing company. Lavaud always used meal time to instill some tidbits of wisdom, share his testimony or to talk with us about God.

There were 6 ladies at the compound who were there to cook and clean from the meals, and there were enough of us there to keep them pretty busy.

Breakfast was pretty much the same every day. Scrambled eggs (with peppers and onions), mangos, banana, peanut butter and pineapple. I'm usually not a big egg person (thank to pregnancy #1) but the eggs were AMAZING, they were juicy but not undercooked. I'm not sure how they prepared them but I wish I could recreate them.

After breakfast the 7 men who were on the trip, made themselves as useful as they could around the compound. The playground system that they had come to Haiti to put together was still stuck in customs. Though the play system had been bought and shipped with plenty of time to make it to Haiti and through customs, because the the current political situation there due the presidential election controversies, much work (including customs) had been delayed or in some cases come to a complete halt. As of Thursday morning, we were unsure of the exact status on when, or if, the play system was even going to get out of customs while we were there to actually assemble it.

(These are views from the third floor of the compound)

Going into the trip we were fully aware of the political turmoil and struggles with customs and we realized that many things were going to be happening outside of our control. We had all decided that regardless of what happened circumstancially we were there for God's will and on His timetable. Despite our thoughts and feelings we acknowledged God's sovereign plan and we did our best to keep that at the forefront of our mind at even the most frustrating of moments.

So like I said, without the play set to assemble, the guys found other work to keep them busy. They worked on the big truck that Lavaud had there at the compound. Of course I can't tell you all the details of what was wrong with the truck or what exactly they did, I can tell you that they tinkered around and fixed some thing-a-majigers.

They also worked on tearing down a run down concrete structure that will eventually become a baptismal for the church.

It was also realized, during this time, that the "sand" that the guys had wanted to put around the play system was not the same degree of sand that we would have gotten here in the states. The sand was full of large stones and rocks, so the guys began the labor-intensive job of sifting through the sand to remove the largest stones and jagged rocks.

This job ended up taking days. They would throw the sand through a grate and the large rocks would fall. As they worked they would pull the strained sand back (so that the could continue throwing the sand through the grate) and shovel the rocks away from the front. It was quite the process and in the end I think every bit of that sand was moved at least 4 times. There were about 30 yards of sand total.

While this may seem to some (like myself at first) as a trivial, time consuming job it was actually very important. To have kids running and playing (many, if not most, of them barefoot) through this type of sand would have been just asking for injuries.

In the end, we (and by we, I mean the men :)) realized this was more than just a safety issue, but it was also something that most of the kids had probably never seen. While there is a lot of dirt and dust in Haiti, there isn't a lot of soft dirt and sandy areas, most kids there have probably never experienced playing in soft sand.

(Zoko, Lavaud's foreman, Wilson, Lavaud' driver and handy man, Lynn, the student sponsorship program director)

While the guys made themselves busy around the compound, the women spent the morning sorting through the luggage and donations that were so graciously sent with our team. We had home visits, orphanage visits, and two sponsored student parties to finalize plans and care packages for. We spent time stuffing bags for the kids, making care packages for the families and getting a grasp on what exactly we had at our disposal to use and give away.

This little girl is the daughter of Lavaud's sister who was in charge of running the house/kitchen, she was around the house all week, she was very leery of white people.

We were blessed with so many amazing donations!! We were able to bring 170+ pillow case dresses for the girls, and underwear and t-shirts for the boys who were at the orphanage and in the student sponsorship program at the Rhode school. We had plenty extras so we were also able to hand them out on our home visits to the families. We brought nearly 100 wordless bracelets and had a simple gospel message translated to creole to hand out to the women. We had LOTS and lots of candy (an entire trash bag full), peanut butter, raisins, pb crackers, school supplies, hygiene products, reusable women's products, soccer balls, small balls, jump ropes, bubbles, and more.

(This was the candy, AFTER, we had all filled our bags and backpacks with some to carry with us to hand out)

After lunch the ladies headed to the orphanage, to spend a little time with the kids, while the guys headed to the area for the play system (they're actually right next to each other) to start getting the area prepared.

(Fried plantains, french fries, picklese and I never really knew what the red meat was, I didn't really want to know.... it tasted like ham and felt like spam, but fried)

The orphanage was unlike any place I had ever been before. Having never been to an orphanage I really didn't have a gauge by which to go by, and I really didn't know what to expect.

As soon as we drove up to the area, there were kids everywhere. Being white in Haiti means you're automatically noticed. We clearly stuck out.

As you drive through the streets the kids often run after the vehicle yelling "blancs, blancs" (which means "whites").

By the time you get to where you're going you can almost guarantee a crowd. This first day was no exception. I hadn't stepped out of the vehicle yet before I had kids grabbing at my arms and hands to hold onto me.

I had no less than 6 kids "hanging" on me.

At this point they weren't asking for anything, they were just holding on. It didn't take long before I had, what seemed like, at least a dozen kids surrounding and grabbing for me and I could hardly walk. Because I was there to specifically get to the orphanage, I had to push through them. It was harder than I thought to walk away from them, even though I had somewhere else I needed to be.

Once we got into the orphanage, it was the same way.

There were 5 ladies on the trip and we did everything together, as a group. When we walked into the orphanage we each had kids all over us. We had only brought a few things (a couple of soccer balls, bubbles, some candy) so we mostly just played and tried to communicate with the kids. I believe we had our translator, Sylveus, with us on this first visit.

The longer we were there the more the kids got used to us, though it was never calm and normal, it would become more manageable.

There were two little girls that grabbed my hands right away, and throughout my visit that first day if they weren't literally hanging on to my arm, I don't think they were ever further than 4 feet from me.

One of the girls names was Dafney.

The other, was Dienaylo've.

They are both 9.

We spent an hour or more at the orphanage blowing bubbles, throwing/kicking the soccer ball and handing out candy.

The kids were..... precious.

Most of them smiled constantly.

They were desperate for candy (or anything we had) and if you went to hand candy to one, you would get mobbed with more kids than you could handle.

(Our translator, Sylveus, is helping one of the girls read the card that went with the wordless gospel bracelet)

But for the most part, they were very pleasant and mostly just eager to be near us.

Playing with our hair.

Rubbing our arms.

Looking at pictures on our phones.

They really loved to see the pictures that we took of them.

They loved to pose.

They always seemed to be as close to you as they could get.

I remember during that first visit leaning over to Danielle and saying "I think I could stay here with these kids all week."

And I meant it.

I really really did.

Haiti 2016 - Day 1

2016-03-09T16:09:00.001-06:00

Okay, so I never intended to go this long before actually sitting down and journalling our trip, but I needed a little time to process, and then I got distracted by (I'll save you all the details) life but I'm still determined to get this out to you all, as well as just recorded somewhere for myself.

So here we go - DAY 1

When I first stepped off the plane in Port-au-Prince, all of my attention was on getting through the airport unscathed. I tend to stress a teensy bit (read, A LOT) when I travel, particularly regarding the act of traveling (flying especially). I'm not afraid of flying, per se, but I am afraid of making it through security (not sure why, I've never tried to take anything through that I shouldn't have), late take-offs, missing connecting flights, customs, immigration, etc. So when we first landed, my focus was on simpling making it through immigration, customs and finding our luggage.

Customs and immigration were no problem, it consisted of mostly waiting in line, and it was pretty much what I expected. We did however have an issue with some of the luggage, which I suppose is to be expected when you're traveling with 12 people all with 2 checked bags and 2 carry-ons (which against my very adamant wishes were also checked by the airline). We had one piece of luggage that did not make it to Haiti with us. So while the airport wasn't the most common experience I've had, it wasn't a huge shock, either.

It wasn't until I stepped out of the airport and pushed my way through the crowds of Haitians, standing by just to watch us (presumably) as we exited the airport, that I really understood..... we weren't in America anymore.

My first impressions of Haiti were:

#1 The obvious inefficiencies - everything seemed to be made more complicated or solved in the least helpful ways, from the lost luggage, to parking, to crowds gathering, to driving.... everything seemed unregulated (which I'm not all against) and inefficient in many ways. I was surprised that although it was inefficient, for the most part, it was still effective. Though it took longer than it should have, they did actually manage to narrow down which piece (of the 36+ pieces of luggages) we had lost.

#2 The smell & atmosphere - This was definitely more prevalent in Port-au-Prince and in our drive up to Hinche but it really was something that remained fairly constant throughout the week. I can't quite place or describe what I mean but between the heat, the dust/dirt, smoke, sweat and gas fumes I never seemed to get a handle on the different smells I kept being bombarded with, or the layer of "dirt" and sweat that always covered your body.

(This picture makes me smile, because while the rest of us were standing near the van attempting to help but mostly just watching as Lavaud's people took our luggage and tied it to the top of the van - Tim was off, Lord knows where, with the other part of our luggage loading it into Lavaud's truck.... within minutes of stepping onto Haitian soil Tim had manage to separate from me (he knew I was safe, I however did NOT know he was safe), cut his finger, and find a ride..... typical Tim.)

#3 The people - of course the people - as with any place there are mixed impressions of people. I went into Haiti with my guard up, knowing that in Port-au-Prince and particularly at the airport people would try to grab my bags and "help" but then expect money. I was told repeatedly to guard the luggage and not let anyone grab our bags.... it seems easy but with 12 people and 48 bags.... things can get a little intense pretty quickly. Overall, there were no major incidents, but it was hard to keep track of who was there to help, who was there to take, and who was there under the authority of Lavaud.

I remember at one point Danielle and I were trying to count the luggage as the guys were gathering them from the baggage claim. They were piling them, and we were counting them. I had had my back to Danielle when I hear her yelling (and I don't think I've ever, in my 4+ years of knowing Danielle heard her yell) I turn around and a guy, in a yellow work shirt (he looked "official") was leaning over some of our bags reaching to grab one from the middle. Danielle was saying "No" "No, Thank You!!" "No! NO!" She managed to reach the bag and grabbed it from the guy, it took me a second but once I realized what was happening I yelled "No!" too, I don't think my voice mattered much but he did let go of the bag.

All of that to say, the first 30 minutes after stepping out of the airport were..... overwhelming and exciting, but all in all pretty smooth considering.

Our first stop, after spending our first couple of hours in the airport was Pastor Lavaud's home only a few blocks from the airport where we met his wife and two of his daughters.

His wife graciously fed us the best goat I think I will ever eat in my life. It was seriously, delicious.

I have to just say, here what a blessing Lavaud and his family were to us throughout the trip. Though this was the only time I saw his wife and daughters, it was/is because of their sacrifice that Lavaud is able to do what he does. They are an amazing family, one that I would like to learn from and become more like.

After dinner, we loaded up the rented van and Lavaud's truck to make the 2.5 hour drive through the mountains to Hinche. We left a little after 5 o'clock.

The ride was.... interesting. By the time we began the last leg of the trip, we had been up for nearly 15 hours after only getting about 3 hours the night before. I was exhausted and on over-drive all at the same time. There were 6 of us in the truck (including our driver), and it was a very quiet ride. When we left Port-au-Prince, the sun was beginning to go down so it was hard to get pictures while driving, but it was quite the experience.

Driving through Port-au-Prince was.... eye-opening and for my first impression of a third world country I was experiencing a mixture of emotions ranging between curious and appalled. I wanted to be careful not to make assumptions or judgements on anything I saw but to just "take it all in and attempt to process later." It was humbling and overwhelming in a lot of ways.

We drove by large groups of people just sitting on the side of the road selling items, or just waiting... for what I don't know. There were large groups of motorcycles and people all over the streets and in the streets, we saw many "tap-taps" (Haiti's version of a taxi truck where they attempt to cram as many people as possible in the back of an enclosed truck) drive by us and past us at crazy speeds, sometimes with people just hanging off the back.

I felt like I had just entered a world where rules no longer existed and anything would go. The idea was both a little exciting and a lot frightening.

The drive through the mountains was nothing like Port-au-Prince, really. It was far more rural and quiet. It wasn't as chaotic, but it was just as frightening (as far as actual driving goes) we drove through small communities with people literally sitting on the side of the road where cars (felt like) they were just zooming by.

Imagine here in the states sitting on the side of a county road in the dark just watching the cars drive by (and when I say on the side of, I mean on the white line on the side of the road). Children, toddlers, moms, dads, grandparents, groups of men, groups of women.... just walking and sitting along the road.

While it was a "two lane road", depending upon the driver, the two lane road often became a temporary one-way where you would pass lines of cars at a time. There are no such things as passing lanes or dotted yellow lines to let you know when it was safe to pass, it was more like first-come first-serve and if that was in question it reverted to whoever was driving the bigger vehicle automatically assumes the right of way. Sometimes the 2-lane would become a 4 lane where several motorcycles and cars seemed to squeeze by each other at the exact same moment. Regardless of oncoming traffic, it almost always felt like we were driving in the middle of the road (looking back this probably was our safest option). It also didn't help that we were going through the mountains so there were lots of inclines, curves and drops. I thought for sure one of us would get car sick, but even Tim managed to make it without incident.

Once we got to Hinche and arrived at Lavaud's compound the ladies there had a meal waiting for us (most of us were still full from our meal in Port-au-Prince), but we ate it, and it was very good. I was pleasantly surprised by the food in Haiti, I don't know what I was expecting but I enjoyed most every meal.

After dinner, we found our room assignments and went to bed. I had been warned to bring ear plugs with me as well as over-the-counter sleep aids. I took one, and used my ear plugs though I'm not sure I needed to. I was asleep before everyone else in our room turned out the lights.

Somethings, You Just Don't Get Over

2016-02-23T09:12:00.003-06:00

I have really big plans to write all about our recent trip to Haiti.

To include as many of the details as I can remember and to give you as complete and whole picture as I'm able. Because it was an incredible, only-God-could-pull-this-off kind of trip and I'm so excited to share it with you all.

But, I'm not ready yet.

I'm still processing.

I'm still sitting here wondering how it all happened, and even wondering what all happened. From the miracle of the play-set getting done, to the success of our orphanage and student sponsorship programs/parties, to the amazing people we met and served with along the way, all of it, still leaves me a little speechless.

And a lot emotional.

The Lord is so faithful and so true and the fact that he uses our feeble attempts to serve and help others to grow & change ourselves in even greater ways is.... unfathomable.

I started off on this journey fully knowing that it was going to change my life and prayerfully the lives of those I was sent to serve, but I had no idea to what extent it would change me or how deep the change was going to be.

I'm still not sure.

I want to be able to talk about what I'm feeling and how I got here.... but I'm still recovering, and I don't know what to say or how to say it or even how to process what I am feeling.

I expected to be emotional and to care deeply for the people I met.

I wasn't expecting to fall in love the way I did.

I wasn't expecting the people and the stories to stick with me the way that they have.

The faces. The laughter. The joy. The sorrows. The chaos. The calm. The poverty. The smells. The views. The gratefulness. The desperation..... I never want to forget.

I miss Haiti.

Well, except for the freezing cold showers and the not flushing your toilet paper part.

I don't miss that.

Though I should mention how grateful I was for running water and flush toilets.

I miss things I never thought to think about missing. I miss not having TVs and computers and smart phones to distract me from the people who were standing next to me. I miss the ways the star shine even in the middle of the city. I miss the sounds of the church choir practicing outside our bedroom window. I miss riding in the back of a pick up truck. I miss the simplicity of having so much less.

I miss watching kids entertain themselves with songs, hand games, sticks, rocks and balls.

But I miss the people the most. Oh how I miss the people!

I was expecting to go and bless the orphans and the students and the people of Haiti. I wasn't expecting to be blessed by them.

Their smiles were truly priceless. They just melted me.

Their genuine comments of "Merci" (Thank You) touched me in a part of my heart I didn't even know existed.

Being in Haiti, serving a people that desperately need (and deserve) to be served, was one of the most humbling experiences of my life.

I knew that I would meet people and learn their names and hear their stories and that it would be hard to leave. But I didn't know that I would take the memories of their smiles and their voices home with me. That their faces, and their stories would stick with me the way that they have.

I didn't know that I would bond with a little girl who's name I can't even pronounce properly in such a way that I can hardly go an hour without thinking of her.

It was day 1 of our visit to the orphanage when she found me.

She. Found. Me.

She. Claimed. Me.

She grabbed my hand and my heart that first morning I stepped into the orphanage, and I don't think she'll ever let it go.

Her name is Dienaylo've (I say it Jenn-ay-love, I'm wrong, but I'm close).

She is 9.

Or at least she thinks she's 9.

She was born in 2007, she doesn't know the day.

She has 3 sisters and 1 brother.

Her mom died.

Her dad abandoned her.

Her aunt who was taking care of her, chose to give her up when she realized there were too many kids to care for.

She doesn't know where her siblings are. She says, they don't know where she is.

She's lived through more pain and more loss than most.

And yet. She smiles.... All. The. Time.

She has one of the most beautiful smiles I've ever seen.

She's a fighter. She's spunky.

And she was always by my side.

When we would pull up to the area where the school/orphanage/playground was children would always chase after us calling out "Blancs! Blancs!" (Whites). And as we would get closer, someone always seemed to start calling "Dienaylo've, Dienaylo've" and point at me.

They all knew.

I was Dienaylo've's.

And she was mine.

I miss her.

I miss her hugs, her small hand in mine wherever I was walking.

I miss bumping her in the head with my elbow because she was always so close to me when I would go to move. I miss her smile.

I miss her deep voice and furrowed eyebrow when she got defensive.

I miss the way she puts her head down and looks at her feet when she's feeling shy or embarrassed.

I miss knowing she was close and that I was going to see her again soon.

I expected some things.

But other thing's I never saw coming, and I don't think I'll ever get over it.

Called For Such a Time as This (Part 2)

2016-02-02T15:16:00.001-06:00

I just finished reading through the book of Esther.

It still amazes me that God's name is not once mentioned in the book. Yet, His Hand is all over it. While it's a thought that I ponder, I think I'm beginning to get it - to understand why God didn't write His name in that book.

I think it's to show us that God is there, all the time, always in control, always working whether He's acknowledged or not, He's sovreignly at work in the lives of us all, when we mention Him by name. And when we don't.

As I was reading through the book of Esther this time, I really tried to read it with "new eyes", I've read the book many times before and sometimes I have a tendency to read things quickly when I've already read them before, so I attempted to really notice the details as much as I could this time, and the book of Esther really got me thinking....

I wonder if when Esther was just a young girl she ever imagined herself as queen?

I wonder if she ever realized the role she would play not only in history, but specifically in the history of God's people.

I wonder if she realized her name would grace the pages of scripture.

I doubt it.

I doubt she ever thought of herself as much more than "just a girl". Like most of us, she probably saw her life going about as "normal", as fairly uneventful. She probably imagined growing up, possibly marrying a jewish man, popping out a few kids and living life in Susa as a jewish exile. It wouldn't have been a bad life by any means.

But that wasn't God's plan for Esther.

God had much more in store for Esther.

Esther would end up changing the lives of more people than she could have ever fathomed. Esther's act of trust in God, would save the lives of the Jews and end the lives of many of their enemies. Esther would intercede on the behalf of those who could not intercede for themselves. Esther would become an example for women (and men) for generations to come.

Yes, God had much more in store for Esther.

I believe that God always has more in store for us than we have for ourselves.

We may not ever hit celebrity status, or make the history books or the pages of scripture the way that Esther did, but that doesn't mean we aren't meant to do something life-changing in the lives of others.

We won't ever know all of the ways that our lives affect others but we can be certain that we are affecting them, one way or another.

For Such a Time as This....

God will do what He has said He will do, with or without us, but do we believe He may actually choose to use us to do His work? Or do we leave that work and responsibility to someone else instead?

I don't know about you all but, I want to be a life-changer, I want to be a tool that God is able to use, however He chooses to use it.

I want to live my life living every moment as though it were "such a time as this." I want to remember that there are no little moments. That I have opportunities all around me to make a difference.

I want to serve people the way that Jesus commanded us to in Matthew 25

34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

I want to give up some of myself to serve others, as though I were serving the Lord Himself. I want to give to those in want and I want to bless those that are in need. I want to go and minister to those who need to be ministered to. I want to live my life serving the 'least of these'.

And even more than that, I want to do it in the name of Jesus. I want His name to be exalted and glorified. I want to give those who don't know the Lord a glimpse of His hands and feet. I want to be an example of sacrificial love.

I want to give more than just a dress. I want to give them the Source that can clothe them in robes of righteousness (Isaiah 61:10)

I want to bring them more than just food. I want to bring them the Bread of Life (John 6:35).

I want to give more than the luxury of toys and extras that they're not used to. I want to give them a hope for an eternal life beyond imagining (John 3:16).

I want to show them through my minimal sacrifice the One who sacrificed far more for them than I ever could.

I want to go, even when I don't want to go.

I want to give, even when I don't want to give.

I want to serve, even when I don't want to serve.

For His glory.

For such a time as this.

Called For Such a Time as This (Part 1)

2016-02-01T16:00:00.000-06:00

February is here.

The month that I have been planning for and praying for, for nearly a year.

The month in which I take my first (ever) missions trip.

We (Tim and I) leave in fewer days than I care to even think about, to go to Hinche, Haiti - a commune in Haiti, 2 hours or so from Port-au-Prince, home to about 50,000 people.

We go to visit a people that we have supported prayerfully and financially for over 3 years. We go to see the faces of two young people that we have sponsored for the past 2 years to attend school. We go to minister to nearly 50 orphans and to serve a group of children who will probably never know the luxuries that our children (and we) take for granted every single day of our lives.

We go to a country that is described as the "poorest country in the Americas". A place still recovering from an earthquake that happened nearly 6 years ago. A country known for political corruption, that even now is experiencing political unrest and uncertainty.

We are going to an area where running water and electricity are considered a luxury.

We go during a time when a travel advisory exists for the entire country.

And I'm so very expectant and hopeful for our trip.

And I'm also very nervous and even scared at times.

I feel like maybe I need to back up a bit. I just re-read what I had written and even to me it seems a little "cray-cray" (I'm sorry that I had to resort to using teenage slang there, it's just that I cannot bring myself to use the actually c-r-a-z.... I can't even finish typing it..... the word.... it just hits too close to the vest I suppose :))

I have known for years, and by years I mean probably decades that I needed and wanted to go on a short term missions trip. Since probably middle school I had had the desire to go, and it just wasn't the right time for me, for some reason or another. Once I got to college, the idea just kind of sat on the back-burner while I started life as a new wife and a couple of years later a new mother. Traveling across the world to "help other people" when most of the time I felt as though I could barely help myself not only seemed "cray-cray" but completely unrealistic.

Eventually the desire to go, somewhere along the way, turned into a desire to definitely-not-go. I'm not sure when or why it happened but for several years of my life I was like "Nope. I'm good here. I have no problem praying and sending and supporting, but actually "going"...? I'm pretty sure that's not my gig." Like I said, I'm not sure when or why the change happened, but it was definitely there and it was definitely rooted in all types of insecurities, fears and anxieties that managed to pop up sometime during my twenties.

Even during this time, however, I did notice a few things that made me think somewhere deep inside of me that maybe one day I would still go.

For example, I always cringed a little when the Matthew 28 passage came up (you all know the one, right?). The one that says "go". I would catch myself saying "Jesus said in Acts to be His witnesses in Jerusalem, Judea and Samaria, they were from Jerusalem - I'm pretty sure I'm called to my Jerusalem, I'll be here, holding down the fort while others go out to Judea and Samaria."

It wasn't until about 3 years ago that I started to realistically think about taking a missions trip again. I think I was preggers with our youngest, Titus, when the thought first crept into my mind. A thought, mind you, I quickly and emphatically pushed to the back of my mind and chalked up to crazy pregger hormones meeting a picture of a cute little kid with worn out clothing and sad eyes.

I don't know the next time the thought popped back up, but I know that the second time it hit me, I couldn't shake-it-off as easily.

After awhile in order to appease the conviction inside of me, I remember coming up with an entire list of reasons why it was insane for me to even have the thought of going on a missions trip anytime soon:

- I was homeschooling 4 children, half of whom were still in diapers how could I possibly think about leaving the country to go to some impoverished-possibly dangerous- area of the world?!?! I mean, I'm a mom to young children, need I say more?!?!

- I felt called to women's ministry and family ministries.... I enjoy serving in the office at church, I mean I clearly had my plate full of ministries here at home, no way I was also called to do missions.... right?!?

- If I really did feel called to do missions work so badly, I should start right here at home, there is plenty to do right here in America.

- I don't even have a passport!

- I only speak english, and even speaking one language, I don't always do that well communicating.

- I have a lot of anxiety

- etc.

Still, even with my rock-solid list of reasons I couldn't go. The desire never really left me.

Then, two years ago, a small team from our church planned a trip to Haiti and while I knew that that was not "my" trip, the thought did cross my mind "maybe next year" Titus had just finished nursing and neither Tim or I were comfortable leaving him for that long, that far away.

The following year (last year) as the next team started preparing to once again visit Haiti, Tim and I seriously discussed going, and we realized that it was not the time for us to go, it was a hard decision to make because by this time I KNEW I needed to go. I KNEW I was called to go. But Tim and I also agreed that this wasn't the time to go.... it felt like a weird decision to make but the timing was clearly not right and we both had a lot of peace in our decision.

Strangely, however, as sure as I was that I wasn't supposed to go then, I knew before that team had even left on their trip to Haiti, that we would be going on the next trip.

I can't explain how the Lord presses these things onto our hearts or how he makes us so certain of things without verbally speaking but it's a comforting feeling when He does. To know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are doing what He's called you to do.... I wish every decision felt as sure as this one.

So here we are, a year later, getting ready to actually "go" and I have a million thoughts swarming in my head. Most good.

Most expectant and hopeful.

Most are prayerful and peaceful.

But some.... some are not.

And that's okay.

Because regardless of my thoughts, I know that God's working even now, even in what I see as uncertainty and worrisome. He's got it all under control. He's prepared me for this. He's prepared Tim for this.

For this time.

For this trip.

For this moment.

And He's prepared all the people that we will be coming into contact with. Nothing is outside of His power and His control.

DISCLOSURE: The pictures I used are from Voice of Compassion's website, which is who we are partnered with and going with on this missions trip.

I can't wait to be able to post my own pictures and share our experiences with you when we return!!

Our Journey Towards School

2016-01-25T08:33:00.001-06:00

So apparently you guys do still read!! I was completely blessed by the number of emails & comments that I received in response to my last post "Choosing to Obey by Laying It Dow"

A couple of you asked the unanswered question of "why" we needed to put the girls into a school, other than homeschooling.

The short answer (which is never really short with me) is that because Audrey is receiving speech services through the school system, according to the State of Wisconsin, in order to continue receiving services after she turns 6 (which happens in March), she must be enrolled in some type of school other than homeschool (meaning public or private). Furthermore, for her to receive services from the specific speech pathologist that she has been working with (and that we LOVE) she needs to be enrolled in private school.

Truthfully, our preference would have been the private schooling either way so this was one decision we didn't actually have to make, and really we saw as a sign from God that He was working out the details of this entire thing, long before we knew anything about it.

We chose to put in both of the girls because their grades were both in the same classroom (at the private school we chose) and because Audrey is more of an introvert and the most "mommy dependent" (as far as wanting to be with me at all times). Alexa, on the other hand, is more outgoing and confident and yet fairly nurturing and protective of Audrey. We thought that by putting them both in, they would at least have each other.

Audrey's speech issue, which is called Childhood Apraxia of Speech (CAS) is something that requires speech therapy. It is a motor speech disorder that people much smarter than I am, understand a great deal better than I do, but to say it simply, it's a speech sound disorder that signifies a lack of "planning and programming movement" for speech, it is a "neurological inefficiency" (not my words). To put it even more simply, when the brain sends the messages to the mouth to say something it involves messages to the jaw, the muscles, the tongue, etc. with apraxic children (or adults) those messages are not received properly, and therefore they are not able to make the proper sounds for speech.

I recently read an article written by a young lady who lived with CAS and she does a great job at describing what exactly that means and what it feels like from the side of the one actually experiencing apraxia. As a parent, her article has actually offered me a lot of hope. If you have the time, it's a good read.

Audrey was about 2 when we realized she had difficulty learning to speak. We weren't sure why, though we had had seen some similar struggles with Treyton, which he received minor speech therapy for, but then eventually overcame. When she was about 2.5 we contacted birth to three to have her evaluated and to hopefully receive services. By this time I had started doing a lot of research starting with with I already knew from Treyton and from what I could "see" Audrey struggling with. I was pretty sure she had Apraxia.

After she met with the speech pathologist we were assigned and went through the speech evaluation she was diagnosed with some "phonological delay" (or something like that). The speech pathologists was really sweet, and Audrey liked her, so after birth to three ended we continued to use her privately for services (at $60 a session, twice a week).

After almost a year we saw some but very little improvement. By this time we were realizing this was going to be a much longer process than what it had been with Treyton and we decided there was just no way we could continue paying $120 a week, so with the blessing of our current therapist, we contacted our school system.

A few weeks later Audrey was being evaluated yet again by her "new" speech pathologist, Mr. G. He diagnosed her with Childhood Apraxia of Speech and within the week started her on a more specific therapy to address the specific needs of apraxic children. He did warn us that she had a pretty severe form of Apraxia and that it would probably take years, but that eventually, Audrey would grow up to speak completely "normally" and that people would never know that she had had such difficulty early on.

Mr. G started meeting with Audrey twice a week right away and we saw a difference soon after. Mr. G. has been a great gift from God for our family. He's been supportive of our decision to homeschool, he keeps Tim and I well informed and even makes sure we have all the tools we need to be working with her as much as we can at home. He's met with us during summer break to check in, he calls to update us on progress, he has encouraged us when we've been discouraged, and basically attempted to train us to be "unofficial" speech pathologists. He has a great "fun" relationship with Audrey, she always looks forward to seeing Mr. G and has since the beginning has viewed speech as her "special thing".

We've been with Mr. G now for 2 1/2 years, and Audrey has progressed tremendously. In short, we LOVE MR. G!!!

Towards the end of last year, by kind of a chance happenstance involving a friend at church seeking services from the school for her homeschooled child, we began to realize that homeschool children were not eligible of services once they reached a certain age.... we had no clue.

So we started by asking Mr. G, then we spoke with his boss, and yup, sure enough.... by law in the state of Wisconsin once Audrey turned 6 she was no longer eligible for services. I was..... devastated.

Personally, I didn't want to lose Mr. G, he has always worked very closely with me and I know this is not always the case.

I didn't want Audrey to lose Mr. G, they have a great relationship and he has gotten to know her well. He knows her quirks, he knows her moods, he knows when she's trying, and when she's not. He knows her.

I didn't want Mr. G to lose Audrey, not that he's ever said anything to us or tried to persuade us in anyway, but he's gotten her (us) this far. He deserves to see her all the way through!!

There was no way I was okay with losing Mr. G, but at the same time, I didn't know what to do.

Our options were fairly limited. Audrey still very much needs therapy. So we could (1) hire a private therapist again once she turned 6 (2) place her in public school so she could continue services from the public school (3) place her in private school where she could also receive services from the public school.

The only option that kept us with Mr. G was option #3, and truthfully it was the only one we were ultimately very comfortable with.

About 6 months before we had begun to realize all of this, I had stumbled across a private school in the town we live in through their VBS program. I loved it - it was this little 2 room school house with a total of like 20 kids from K-8th grade. I had jokingly said to Tim "Well, if we decide not to homeschool, I think we found our school." Ha Ha!! Jokes on me.

(Interesting back story - I had made a very similar joke the Christmas before we moved to the Fox Valley from Madison.)

September 2nd of this year, the day the public school started (I think) I get a courtesy phone call informing me that Audrey, as of March was not going to be eligible for services, something we had already figured out almost 6 months earlier.

I love looking back over our journey to this point because I see how God had so many of the details worked out, long before we realized what was going on. I mean He had even given us time!! He had given us an extra 6 months with this information, and I'm not kidding when I say I needed every hour of it! We needed that time to process; to process what this would mean: for Audrey, for us, for the other kids. The time to weigh out all of our options. The time we needed to pray. The time we needed to prepare our hearts.

Again, I'm not trying to be melodramatic here, but this was a big adjustment to us, on a lot of levels.

We fully understand that Audrey's struggles pale in comparison to other's. She is a beautiful, healthy, smart little girl who is overcoming a struggle but that straggle will not take her life, or cause her physical harm. We are blessed, and we know it.

But when did we get so caught up in comparing struggles or thinking that because our struggle isn't as bad as someone else's that it makes it any less of a struggle? No, I don't want to be dramatic. I never have (it's actually a little bit of a pet peeve of mine), but I do want to be real. And sometimes being real means sharing struggles that may seem trivial to someone else, or that may seem over exaggerated to someone who hasn't walked through it.

I'm okay with someone feeling this way. And I certainly don't want anyone to think that our entire life revolves around this one thing. This one struggle. It doesn't. Not even Audrey's life revolves around her apraxia.

But.

A big part of our life does revolve around it, from the miscommunications, the frustrations (on both ends), the "translating" for other people, the never-stopping-alway-happening "therapy" and reminders we do with her, the twice a week appointments, the more structured therapy we do with her at home, the mistakes we've made because we thought she said something she didn't actually say, the looks from people who don't know her, the reality that because people can't understand her they think that she isn't developmentally "normal", the tears I've cried into the shoulder of my husband because I'm not sure what to do or how to help her overcome a particularly rough patch, the tears she's cried because she was misunderstood.

It isn't our whole life, but it is a part of our life. All of us, all 6 of us live with this and it affects all of us in some way or another. But it's not all bad.

Audrey has never felt "different" in a way that made her sad. She's noticed she doesn't talk the same, she knows people don't always understand her. Her siblings do not think negatively towards Audrey or her speech, it's just a part of our world, and they have never known anything differently. Especially Titus, who has had to relearn a few words a phrases after having Audrey "help" him pronounce something ;) Nicknames have been given because of the apraxia and I love them (Treyton is Treytee, Alexa was duck-duck from a long time, Titus was Ty-tee).

I mentioned that I cry, and sometimes I do, but not very often. I'm actually far more proud than I am sad.

I'm proud of how hard she works. Of how much she has overcome. Of the disciplines that she's developed. When Alexa or Treyton step in to "interpret" what she's saying. The way Alexa stays close to her, and wraps her arm around her shoulder when they're in a new place. There's so many things that make me proud.

Audrey's journey isn't over, praise God, and neither is ours. We're not sure how long Audrey is going to need therapy. We're expecting at least another year and half if not two years, and honestly, maybe more. This isn't an exact science, we don't really know for sure.

But we know that One that does.

p.s. I obviously lied about this being a short story :)

Choosing to Obey by Laying It Down

2016-01-21T14:19:00.004-06:00

So I did something today that I never thought I would do.

Or maybe it's more accurately said, that I hoped I would never do.

I dropped two of my kids off at school.... like, "real" (not-in-my-home) school.

** Side note: I can't even say "real" jokingly without cringing a little bit. Homeschool is "real". Nuff said.

For some of you out there reading this (if there are any people left even reading this blog, and it's totally okay with me if there's not), this may seem somewhat melodramatic, but it's up towards the top of my list as one of the hardest things I've had to do, especially if you're talking willingly.

What I mean is, sometimes things happen that are outside of your control and you just cling to the Anchor of your soul and you persevere and trust your way through it. It's not easy, and it's certainly not by choice.

This.

This is different.

Kind of.

On one hand, we didn't choose this. We didn't want this. I, personally, never in a million years thought I would put my elementary age daughters into private school. Seriously. It never was a real option in my head (despite a few crazy threats to Tim made at the end of a few of the hardest of homeschooling days).

On the other hand, Tim and I made a lot of choices and decisions together (with lots and lots of prayer) to get us here.

We technically, could have, chosen another way. However, it is our strong belief that this is God's will for our daughters, and our family, right now. We believe that this is the best thing to do, for now.

So while we (maybe) could have done things differently, this is us obeying, even when we don't want to. Regarding something that we hold very near and dear to our hearts - our babies and (secondarily) the initial call of our family to homeschool.

It goes against what we've known.

It goes against what we want.

It goes against what our plans were.

It seems insane.

And yet.

It seems right.

I'm emotionally drained.

Truly. I am some weird mixture of wanting to cry and curl up in the fetal position, to a hardness that wants to push my way through this firmly declaring 'I CAN and WILL get through this and I'm not going to break while doing it!', to strangely peaceful and willing to trust, to being angry at everyone, to wanting to cry again, and then back to the calm peace.

It's exhausting. And depending on when you catch me, it may seem a little multi-personalitied (is that a word? If it wasn't it is now).

Now, let me stop for a minute to go on a little bit of a bunny trail. Please don't hear in this post, that I hate school-options other than homeschooling. I don't. One of the reasons why I love homeschooling the way I do is because we were called to do. We want to do it. We enjoy doing it. I don't necessarily think homeschooling is for everyone, but I do think it is the best of all the options for us. I have a million reasons why it is best for us, none of which are meant to offend anyone else, but none of which I would apologize for either.

I digress.... moving on....

Tim and I are attempting to read through the Bible together this year (thanks to encouragement and accountability from my big sis!), we (Tim and I) chose a Bible reading plan that has you read 4 different portions of scripture a day. We're currently in Genesis, Nehemiah, Matthew and Acts.

Today the Genesis reading was Genesis 21 - The Sacrifice of Isaac.

I opened up the Bible, and all the tears that I had been forcing back, came flooding through and I hadn't even started reading it!!

Last night as I was trying to fall asleep I was praying. Praying about everything I could think of regarding the girls and their first day of school. I prayed for hours. I did a lot of repeating :) but I had determined to myself that I wasn't going to stop praying until I was at peace and able to fall asleep.

I had a choice. I could lay awake worrying or I could lay awake praying. I chose praying.

At one point I just cried out "Lord, you know this is not what I want. You know that a part of me hates this. You know that I love these girls, and I know that you love them more. Help me to remember that. Help me to trust You to take care of them when I'm there, and when I'm not. Help me to love you enough to lay them down."

Immediately the story of Isaac came to mind.

I thought about Abraham and the feelings he must have felt.

The uncertainty.

The anger (maybe).

The questions.

The strangeness of the situation - knowing what God had promised specifically through Isaac, and then the command to sacrifice him.... it all feels so familiar.

But the part that really struck me was the fact that despite what he must have been feeling, the faith he maintained through it all was more than just admirable, but counted to him as righteousness.

He didn't know what the end result was going to be, or how God was going to bring it about, or what all the details looked like. But he knew. Abraham knew that God would keep his promises.

I know that too.

So I choose to believe and to have faith that God is who He says He is and He will fulfill the promises He has made. Despite how I may feel, despite what I may want to do. I choose to trust. I choose to obey.

I realize that my sacrifice is nothing compared to Abraham's. I am not trying to equate my girls going to school to Isaac's life. What I am comparing is the struggle of sacrifice and obedience. It's the same for all of us, it's a choice we all have to make.

Resources to Enjoy 5.28.15

2015-05-28T08:05:00.005-05:00

So it's been a while, and will probably be a while again before I post, but I just thought I would share a few things that the Lord has brought across my path. Verses that are impacting me, sermons I've recently heard and loved, some quotes that moved me and a few links to articles/blog posts that I found helpful and/or inspirational.

Enjoy!

Verses to Reflect On

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

"I thank Him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because He judged me faithful, appointing me to His service, though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecuted, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and the love that are in Christ Jesus. This saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came in to the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in Him for eternal life."

1 Timothy 1:12-16

"Behold children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate." Psalm 127:3-5

Quotes to Ponder

"When God gives us commands, He means to help us run the race to completion, not to slow us down.... The law is good because firmness is good. God cares enough to show us his ways and direct our paths. How awful it would be to inhabit this world, have some idea that there is a God, and yet not know what He desires from us." Kevin Deyoung in his book "The Hole in our Holiness"

"We're not seeking God to get a sticker from Him or an attaboy. We're seeking Him to enjoy even greater intimacy with Him, to get even closer to His heart, to open more and more of those inner closets where we've tried to restrict access to Him thinking He wouldn't like what He sees, thinking He might reject us if He knew. The reason why we study His word, why we attack our sin, why we share generously from our resources, and why we serve people around us is not to persuade Him to love us. WE do these things because He already DOES love us.... and because He wants us to dig even deeper into the treasury of His blessing, into the joy and sweetness and abundant living His gospel unlocks for us." Matt Chandler in Recovering Redemption

Sermons to Hear

From Heart to Home by Josh Patterson - (you can either listen to or read the transcript from this sermon) AWESOME, practical, biblical and real sermon regarding discipling our children based on Deut. 6 - I will be listening to this one again.

Arrogance/Humility by Matt Chandler - I have enjoyed all of the sermons from his James series but this one has been my favorite (I think, maybe not, but it's the one that I've been thinking about the most recently.... they are all good so if you have time you really should listen to the entire series, but for now, you can just start with this one :))

Links to Share

Priscilla Shirer "The Language of Privilege" - a blog about perspective and the beauty of obligation

Into Iraq #2 by Ann Voskamp - a beautiful, heart changing, post regarding the ugly reality of sex-trafficking in Iraq and the women and girls affected by it. This is a MUST READ!!

True Sin or False Guilt by the Village Church

20 Quotes from the Explicit Gospel - I love this series from Desiring God. The book "Explicit Gospel" by Matt Chandler is one of my favorites!

A Complete Classical Christian Reading List for Grades 1-8 An awesome resource from the Gospel Coalition that I will hopefully remember is here :)