The Other Woman: Getting To Know Her

So Many Comments and More About Me

2010-02-14T17:13:00.000-08:00

I don't come here very often, so it always takes me some time to read everyone's comments when I come back here to post. In fact, I was almost at the point of taking this blog down as I haven't been feeling a need to really write much. It's not that I'm not feeling the love from all of you! And yes, the hate....or maybe that's being too harsh--Maybe I should call them judgments, yes. Wow, are some of you judgmental! But I love you for stopping by and commenting. I really do!

I have to tell you that I used to be one of those judgmental people. You see, I was married once. I was married a long time, too. I never cheated on my spouse. I used to say that I'd never do that! I have two beautiful children as a result of that marriage and I wouldn't change a thing about that past, even if I could. While I wasn't happy for most of it, there was a purpose in me going through it. My ex may have cheated on me--he always said that he didn't, but many people later told me he did. Then again, what did they know, really, if they weren't with him? Actually, I don't care about that. I used to care about that, but I fell out of love with my ex-husband before my marriage ended--it was me who wanted out of my marriage because I was unhappy. Period.

If he cheated, he was probably unhappy, too. Even if he didn't cheat, it doesn't matter now. It probably never really mattered then either. What I'm trying to say is that you cannot control the feelings or the actions of another person. And when you base your happiness on what another person says or how they behave, then you are only setting yourself up for disappointment and unhappiness. You can be happy as happiness is a choice YOU and only YOU make. Period.

I am much happier now. I really am. I'm happy because I choose to be. Yes, I have cried over this relationship with my MM. Yes, there have been a river of tears when I start to feel sorry for myself or when I would get upset over his actions or inactions. But those days are fewer and farther in between now--especially when I realized that I have a choice. I have many choices in this situation. Right now, I just enjoy my time with him. We have so much fun together. I love to laugh and he makes me laugh. And I enjoy my freedom alone from him, too. So maybe this relationship is convenient for me right now. All I know is that there is great love and it feels good.

I just am in a new place again. I'm more observant, watching this unfold as if I were an anthropologist, studying the love ways of some lost tribe out there. That's how I feel sometimes, really! It makes me laugh. I love my MM very much but I am not spending days and nights over tears because we aren't together. I'm also not blaming myself for his involvement with me. I'm just not about blame. Who am I to blame and who are you to blame me? Honestly, why do we feel a need to judge people so harshly? It's a funny human condition: one that I have been very conscious about changing within me.

Reading through your comments has been very interesting for me. Occasionally, I read that my posts have helped someone, and I'm glad for that. So even though I decided to renew the domain name for another year, I don't know how much I'll be posting. It all depends upon my mood and when I remember I have this blog and go back to check it.

I'm a huge fan of the law of attraction and particularly of the works of Abraham-Hicks. In their newest book, The Vortex, there's a lot of talk about relationships. (You can find it in my Amazon store under the Law of Attraction category.) I know it will be controversial for many, but I believe I've found my peace with this situation for now because I know that love and joy are the closest we are to the Vortex, to our Source, to our God, to being who we truly are.

And I feel so good with this MM of mine, so I'm happy right where I am right now.

Until next time,
The Other Woman

Why Do You Read My Blog?

2009-11-27T20:06:00.000-08:00

I am curious as to why people read this blog. I just read the recent comments from people who choose to remain anonymous. They are quite judgmental, but that's nothing new. That's their issue, really. I know why I write here and it's for several reasons.

Let me say first that I don't care what people think but I do find the comments that people make useful. While so far no one has really written anything I haven't yet thought about myself, I do like the fact that people are checking in and reading and take the time to comment. I'm not sure why some come here to read, so if you'd care to comment about that, I think it would be interesting. Could it be that you are fearful that your spouse may be cheating? Or perhaps you've had thoughts of cheating that you haven't yet acted on? Or maybe you were a victim of infidelity or perhaps you are in a similar situation as me?

I write because it's therapeutic for me. I write to inform, to educate, to show the journey of pain and struggle that being in a relationship like this brings, to educate wives, husbands, lovers--anyone contemplating an affair or in one or getting over one. I write with the hopes that others who've gone through what I'm going through could give me some infinite wisdom that makes this all go away. I write to show my journey: to show that I am a real person with feelings. And yes, I have been growing stronger but I have not yet left this man. Does that make me a monster? A loser? Weak? Perhaps to many of you, it does. I know that I am human and as a human being, I am not perfect. My relationship with my MM is real. That's why it's so hard now to let it go. Maybe I am afraid but I'm not sure what I'm afraid of, really. I don't really know. But I do know that I don't write to make you feel sorry for me, to pity me or even condone my actions....but I will continue to document because in my gut I know that this may be helping someone as much as it helps me.

I am grateful for all the comments: even when they are not so positive. I do appreciate them, for even with the most negative of comments, I grow stronger in knowing that I am a good person who tries to treat others as she wishes to be treated. I say that not in judgment, but as an affirmation of my soul that tries to live each day treating others as I wish to be treated. I do my best.

One of the things that I've learned from studying the law of attraction is that we have to embrace the contrast: be grateful for the diversity, the things that we don't want, the judgments of others, the negative situations in our lives..as it helps us launch strong passions of desire and intention to be and have what we want in life. And when we appreciate that, it's much easier to hear, to read or to experience the negative when it happens: to the point that we become the "observer" of it instead of internalizing it.

That's kind of where I'm at with my MM. I'm an "observer" at times right now. (Not all the time, but a lot of the time.) That's actually a positive step, if you ask me. It's much better than I used to be: all caught up in tears and frustration when he didn't do, call or say something I expected. In fact, I know that one's happiness doesn't and cannot depend on another: that we are the controllers of our own happiness. It lies within us. And when we make the other person and his/her actions the object of our attention to the point where our happiness depends upon them, they always disappoint. So it looks like I've disappointed some of you! Don't worry: just be happy. If it feels good to you, be happy you're not me!

So thank you for reading my blog and for your comments. I do appreciate you. And with that, have a great rest of the Thanksgiving Day weekend!

Until next time,
The Other Woman

The Sex Coach Talks About Infidelity on TV

2009-11-23T19:43:00.000-08:00

I found this video on YouTube and thought the discussion was interesting. The Sex Coach is a woman by the name of Jacqueline Hellyer. I've spent years trying to psychoanalyze my relationship with my MM. I'd be interested in your thoughts about this video.

You'll also notice that I am now on Twitter. Feel free to follow me and engage in discussions there. I'm the_other_woman on Twitter. (Turns out there were many of us there already so I had to choose a variation in the name!)

Watch the video HERE

Secrets, Risks and Advice

2009-11-21T21:42:00.000-08:00

I know I don't post here regularly. One of the reasons is that I have a very busy life but that's not really the main reason.

The real reason is that, while I've opened myself up anonymously here on the site to share my feelings, my life, and my journey in an attempt to not only help myself but others, I also have set myself up for the advice that comes along with posting about this topic openly. And while I really don't care what other people think, I do care about how I feel in the process. Reading your comments and feeling empowered by my own postings has been a great boost for me. My last post was in September and it looked like I was well on my way out of this relationship.

But the reality is that I'm still in it. In fact, after working on the list of what I want in a man, my MM suddenly became more attentive and loving. So, yes, I'm still in it.... Sort of. I say that it's "sort of" because I have been intimate with my MM but yet feel this empowerment by the way I react to situations between us that previously would have left me emotionally devastated for a short time: or at least worried and analyzing things to death. And something else did happen recently which has caused me to see him in a totally new light. I will write openly here about that later: after we have had a chance to truly discuss it.

So here I am. Living this life of secrets, taking risks by posting it out here in its emotional rawness and subjecting myself to whatever advice that comes with it. In some ways, I am disappointed in myself that I didn't actually let him go. But I also know that I have to forgive myself and keep moving forward. If I concentrate on my mistakes, I will conjour up more mistakes! (Law of attraction in action, if you will).

In reading the comments from my last post, I see that someone asked how to advise their friend who had just gotten involved with a MM. My advice is that you really cannot tell your friend what to do or how to proceed. If she asks you, you can speak from what you THINK you would do (but I bet it might be different if you found yourself in this situation)!

I honestly feel that women get involved with a MM with the idea that their situation will not be like this for very long. Otherwise, they wouldn't do it. They may justify things because they feel they can leave at any time (or) perhaps they are believing their MM when he says that his marriage is terrible, the kids need him, etc. and he is leaving very soon. And while the advice for women who are involved with a MM is usually "Run, run, run--as fast as you can!" -- the reality is that most of us women feel we're handling it or that we can "run" whenever we want. Then time passes, feelings deepen and we're still with our MM.

So don't offer any advice to a friend involved with a MM (unless she specifically asks you): she is going to do whatever she will do anyway. Be supportive of her as your friend and tell her that you'll be there for her should she need you and then let it go. And when she comes to you with tears about how long it's taking or the lack of trust she's feeling in her MM or with complaints of how little time her MM has for her, don't tell her "I told you so," but just listen and be supportive. After all, loving your friend will be the best thing you can do for not only her but for you as well. Uplift her the best you can, empower her with support and love, and she will get stronger. Your friendship will grow as a result, too!

I have two really good friends in all of this that I can talk to. Both know my MM. One of them always listens with an open heart and with lots of understanding. She asks questions that help me figure out what I want and I really appreciate her support. The other friend is a bit more opinionated when it comes to my MM, but never ever judgmental about me. She always supports me and empowers me with her humor while she is concerned about my overall well-being. I know she holds back on her opinion about my MM a lot, too--for my sake. She listens and comments. I appreciate both of them who offer different ways of loving me and supporting me.

So here I sit again. Still involved...sort of...with another chapter to this story to tell you, but for now, it remains written only in draft form. I will post it after I've had a chance to talk to my MM.

I Am In A Different Place

2009-09-12T21:44:00.001-07:00

It's been awhile (again) since I've checked this blog and written here. A lot has happened within me since my last post. I am in a different place now emotionally than I've ever been in this relationship. I have been away a lot and my MM and I have not seen each other much over the last two months.

I saw him today. I feel so different than before. I am definitely in a different place emotionally than all those years before. It just wasn't the same seeing him this time. I was excited to see him but it wasn't the same. After he left, I felt somewhat "used" today. I know that wasn't his intention but I felt it and that is not good for me. Period. That doesn't make me happy.

One thing I've learned is that happiness is a choice in life: that if we place our ability to be happy on the behavior of another person, that they will always disappoint. We are not perfect human beings. So we each must be responsible for our own happiness, our choices, our behavior, our thoughts, and our feelings. I can choose to sit around and cry and feel sorry for myself or I can choose to do something that makes me feel a little better. I'm choosing the latter.

I've done a lot of soul-searching over the past few months. The separation from my MM has been good for me. I happen to read a lot and have been into personal development literature for some years now. I love making improvements in my outlook on life and growing personally and spiritually in the process. I am particularly fascinated by material on the law of attraction.

So when our "reunion" today felt somewhat unsatisfying to me, I realized quite quickly that I had the power and control to improve my situation. So I sat down and did a little exercise on paper that helped me feel better. Since I know that it doesn't serve me to rely on his behavior to make me happy, I am working on turning my feelings around to a place where I can feel better about what happened today (and what didn't happen) and yet still take care of me. I have come a long way, I think, as I am definitely in a different place emotionally.

I've decided that it's helpful for me to focus on what I want (instead of on what I don't want). Because when you understand the law of attraction, you know that you get what you think (and feel) about: even if it's what you don't want. So I'm focusing on what I want.

And I know what I want in a man. I want someone who honors me, someone who respects me, someone who cherishes me... someone who will be playful with me, someone to have fun with, someone that laughs with me and someone who adores me.... someone I can trust and someone who trusts me...someone who is passionate about life and about sharing it with me...someone who gives me the freedom to be who I truly am and who I can freely allow to be who he truly is...someone who is secure in his feelings that he can talk to me about anything...and I to him...someone who loves life...and particularly life with me! I want a man who feels secure in his feelings around me and who shares his life with me, yet allows me the freedom to be me. I want a friend, a confidant, a lover, and mutual partner in life as we joyously move through life loving one another. I want someone who is honest and sincere and who is loves going out with me...someone who will grow with me...someone who loves to travel and with whom I can travel to exciting places....someone who has a positive outlook on life that just the very sight of him lights up a room....someone who loves me and who loves me loving him.

So is my MM that someone? Not currently, no. So this relationship isn't currently working for me like this. I'm not going to blame or point fingers. In fact, I can appreciate my MM and our love, but this is about taking care of me. If I am not happy, I know in my soul that I need to take action and let this relationship go as it now is. So today, this Saturday, September 12, 2009, I am moving on.

It may not be easy but right now I'm feeling ok: almost empowered, now that I've written out my list of what I want. I know I will be ok.

Reading all your comments here since my last post has been interesting and insightful. Thank you for commenting. I do appreciate the time you're taking to pass by here. And I will continue to post as I move along in this journey. I intend to be easy about my journey: to take care of me, to do things that honor me and make me feel good...and if I get sad or tempted to see my MM again, I will not beat myself up about it....I will learn from what comes and keep focusing on my list of what I want.

As for that man that I want, he will show up. I know there are many out there but I haven't been giving anyone a chance. So I'm going to work on me and then the doors will open. But I also know that I don't need a man to make me happy: I can do that all by myself!

The Time Passes & My Anger Swells

2009-05-31T19:52:00.000-07:00

I thought at the time of my last post that I wouldn't need to be writing here any longer...as I would no longer be "TOW." That is sadly not the case.

It has been 3 months since I lasted posted here. I can't believe it's been that long. I went back and saw that several people had commented on my posts so I now approved them all for posting--sorry for the delay! (I think I'll just change my settings so that I don't have to approve them in the future.)

Funny thing: 3 months go by but they are nothing in terms of the time I've been with my MM. I read others' comments about "wasting my time," and how I have low self-esteem issues: that the reason people stay in these situations is because of their low self-worth. That may be. I don't consider myself to be less than others; I know that I am good enough; that I deserve love; that I am worthy....I know all of this intellectually. Perhaps it's my heart and soul that don't believe it?

I do know that I have total control and can just decide to go. Yet I am here. I know that I am afraid. What am I afraid of? I am not afraid of being alone, so it's not that. I don't feel that I have to have a man on my arm to be worthy.

I've wondered if it's just easier for me to continue with this relationship because I don't have to be 100% "on" with my MM as he isn't here with me all the time. Perhaps I'm afraid of what a real relationship would be like: one where I'm adored, respected and honored and where I'd do the same to him; a relationship where I am free to be me; one where I'd be expected to give of myself wholly and he to me; one where I am truly intimately involved in the day-to-day "stuff" that comes with being in a real relationship. Am I afraid of true intimacy? Maybe it's that.

The past few months have been busy for me and I've found myself getting mad at my MM more often than usual. It's an anger that boils like the bubbles coming to the surface of the teapot, right before it whistles...an anger that is suppressed, but as the time goes by, it grows in momentum--until it explodes when my MM does or says something that is a reminder that he is indeed a MM; that I am not his #1 priority.

I got angry when he

constantly checked his watch as we were enjoying a long dinner
responded in a very usual, normal way that he had gone to a movie with "his family," (which meant that his wife went with them)
purposefully refrained from putting his arm around me in photos on separate professional situations in which we were involved (yet he very quickly puts it around others involved-as he is a 'touchy' guy)
defended his "non-touching" for those photos as "it's business"
questions who I've told about us
gets upset because I've told people about us!

I guess I'm angry because I know deep down that, no matter what he says to justify or clarify why me sharing our relationship bothers him, I know in my soul that he just doesn't want to get caught. And that hurts.

I'm going on an extended trip away in a few days. I'll be gone for about a month so it will give me some time away from my MM. I think it will be good for me. I'm going to use this time to take a break from all this madness: literally.

Lonely Weekends and Outrage

2009-02-21T16:50:00.000-08:00

This weekend my MM cannot see me due to what he says are his "church activities." While we saw each other during the week, it's always a quick visit on a weekday. So this weekend I am alone. While I'm ok being alone, I'm having a bit of anger right now. I'm tired. If only I could stay in this feeling long enough to get on with my life....

I decided to look around on the internet and see if I could find his church online. (It wasn't the first time I'd done this, but I haven't gone there in a long while.) I was successful. On it were some new photos of various activities and church-related functions. I just spent time looking at those photos, searching for "clues" about his life away from me. Most of the photos he isn't with his wife, but there are a few...

Seeing these photos is a vivid reminder that I am alone. I am not usually lonely, but today I am sad, angry and frustrated that he is living this life out there without me publicly in it. If only I could hold that thought long enough for me to move on....

I look at these pictures and see this man that I love, living a religious life, surrounded by God-loving people who would probably judge him if they knew about his life with me. Of course, if they are truly God-loving people, they would forgive him, too, but that's not the purpose of this post.

I write here to let you into the psychology of my being: this "other woman" who sits at home on this weekend, watching internet photos of her married man in church activities without her...I feel lonely today. I feel mad at myself for being where I am. I am angry at my MM for taking so darn long. I even wonder about that attractive woman I see in these photos at his church: could he be having an affair with her, too?

Whoa. My mind goes off in a thousand different directions. If he left his wife and married me, would I be able to trust him? I'm not sure I like my answer.

I'm mad because he doesn't have much time for me. While we see each other quite frequently, it's never for as long as I'd like it to be. He always has to get home. That makes me mad. If his wife really, truly knows that he wants out of his marriage, then why is he in such a hurry to leave me? For fear that he'll get caught! I'm outraged! He says that it isn't like that: that I don't understand how it is for him at home; that because I think differently than his wife, I couldn't possibly understand...

Well, I understand alright. I understand that my MM doesn't want to get caught by his wife! I understand that my MM doesn't want his church-family to know that he has a mistress on the side! I understand that my MM doesn't want people to know about us because it might damage his "image" both personally and professionally!

I am outraged! What about me? I am TIRED of understanding. I've "understood" enough already.

Yes, I'm mad. I'm mad it's taking so darn long. I'm mad that I fell for his 'excuses' and 'reasons' in the first place. I'm mad because I trusted him. Trust. Damn. THERE IS NO TRUST IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A MARRIED MAN! I'm mad because I get what he has time for--because I'm last on his list--because he doesn't have time to spend an entire day with me--or take a short weekend off together--because he controls when and where we see each other--and I let him do it! I'm mad because I have total power to let him go--yet I haven't been able to do it.

I'm like leftovers in a Thanksgiving meal and he's my appetizer. I cannot even order "Married Man On-Demand." There is no instant show when I want it: only when he is free. He controls the remote control. I'm like the "drive-through" where he comes for fast food, once a week.

Enough---The fact that I cannot shout out to the world that we are so madly in love is getting on my nerves. If this love is so grand, then why should I be silent?

I'm tired and angry. There are no more excuses. Why should I excuse this behavior? I am worthy of being loved, fully and deeply by a man who only has eyes for me. My time has come. Watch me.

Choices

2009-01-11T20:45:00.000-08:00

One of my readers made the comment that by choosing to stay (in other words, doing nothing), is a choice. That person was absolutely right!

It's about choices we make, isn't it? I have a choice to leave. He has a choice to leave. Looking back on all these years, I've contemplated lots of choices and "justified" my choices in various ways. Here's a glimpse of some of the choices I've contemplated over the years. There were probably many more variations of this, but you get the idea.

The Staying for A Child Choice: This one is huge. I know first-hand what it's like to stay in a marriage because of children so I understand any reasons he may give for staying now that are related to his kids.

The Time Limit Choice: I'll give him __ (fill in the blank) number of months to move out of his house and if he doesn't, I'll let him go. This one I always did in my mind; never told him out loud.

The "I'm afraid of losing him" Choice: I cannot imagine my life without him. Period.

The "Because I Love Him, I'll Let Him Go" Choice: The best thing I can do for him is to love him enough to let him go.

The "Because I Love Myself, I'll Let Him Go" Choice: The best thing I can do for myself is to let him go--to love myself enough to let him go. I deserve someone who loves me fully. I haven't acted on this choice but I understand it.

The "Let's Be Friends" Choice: Since we are so important to each other, we can just be friends until he moves out. That way no one gets hurt.

The Being There For Him When He Needs Me Choice: He was there for me during the beginning of our relationship when I needed someone for support. Now it's my turn to be there for him so I'll hang in there a bit longer.

The "His Wife Has to Know About Me" Choice: After all this time, his wife has to know, so this really isn't a lie to anyone.

The "I Love Him Probably Precisely for the Same Reasons His Wife Married Him" Choice: There are great qualities in this man which must have attracted his wife to him in the first place so it's understandable that I fell in love with him, too. Maybe that's why she stays... This one gets me if I ponder it for too long.

The "When I Make an Important Decision, I Make It For Good" Choice: I am not the kind of person to threaten ultimatums and never give my MM any. So if I'm going to let him go (or) give him a timeline, I'd better be sure I mean it.

The "Jesus and God Wouldn't Judge Us" Choice: Jesus was forgiving, even to prostitutes, so there's no reason to think God won't forgive us, too.

The "Most important thing is love" Choice: The Bible says that the most important commandment is love so I stay.

The "We Are Going to Beat the Statistics" choice: I don't care what the statistics say! We are in love and he will leave his wife and we will have a happy life together. We'll show the world that not all affairs fit the stereotype.

The "You've Got to Be A Fool To Be Here This Long!" Choice: This is one that I've sometimes thought but never acted on.

The Since His Marriage is Lousy & His Wife Knows He Wants Out, We're Not Hurting Anyone Choice: He says he's told his wife he wants out, and is living under the same roof for various personal reasons. So there's no deception and no one gets hurt. Since my intention is not to hurt anyone, I stay.

The "Let's Not Be Hasty" Choice: I wouldn't want to do something I will later regret, so if I'm having doubts and I'm unsure about whether to let him go, I'll just wait and see. The answer will come to me later.

The "I Know Plenty of Couples Who Live In the Same Household & Aren't Sleeping Together" Choice: I know exactly first-hand that there are couples that live together for years and aren't intimate so I understand his situation. I lived it and know several other women who are living it now, too. So I believe him and I'll wait.

The "What If I Were to Date Someone Else?" Choice: I wonder how he'd react if I dated someone else? I wonder but never make this choice a reality.

The "How Do I Feel?" Choice: If I am feeling sad and upset about our relationship, then it's time to let him go. But if the majority of our relationship is great, fun and loving, then it's worth keeping, so I stay.

Aw, yes, the choices we make (or not). Life is a choice indeed.

New Year's Blues: To Trust My Gut or Not

2009-01-07T14:05:00.000-08:00

Being the positive person I usually am, I started off this new year on a good note. I rarely get sad but yesterday my MM came over. We had a wonderful time together until my heart felt this nauseous feeling. My mind was wondering, really, really wondering what happens when he goes home every night.

I'm sure my occasional readers to this very occasional blog will think I'm being naive for even asking myself that question: that he obviously is "having his cake and eating it, too," that I should move on with my life without him, that he must be a dog, that I must be crazy for staying in this thing for so long, etc. etc. etc.

I write that not because I care about what anyone thinks or feels. But I do care about me and my happiness. I am not happy when I have those "heart-felt moments" of doubt. They don't last long but they creep up every so many months or so....sometimes it takes a year before they come along. What is striking about them is that they make me nauseous. Something is not right. I should listen to my gut. It has not failed me in other areas of my life: why is it so difficult to trust my gut with regard to my MM?

So here I sit with a bit of the blues. Not exactly sadness or depression: no tears, no crying at night, no worrying about where he is or what he's doing... but more of a nagging sensation in my gut that this is the life that I've chosen for myself. It's a nagging sensation in my gut that I also know that I have the power to change....Just like that...or not. The choice is mine. So why do I choose to do nothing?

We Are Back Together, If You Can Call It That

2008-11-14T17:45:00.000-08:00

I realize I haven't updated anything on this blog in some months, so here it is.

We stayed away from each other for a bit. In the scheme of things, it really wasn't that long. I honestly cannot remember how long it was. I was so incredibly sad and tired of being depressed so I accepted his reasons for not leaving his marriage (again) and took him back.

Perhaps he always knew that I would. Maybe so..maybe not. He has been much more attentive towards me since then. I guess he figured he almost "lost" me so for now, he isn't taking me for granted.

For now, it is working for me like it is. I don't feel as if I'm selling myself short, I'm not really the type that feels I need a man in my life to be happy, I know that I can be happy no matter what my circumstance...I guess you'd say that I'm a pretty positive person.

So I am taking things one day at a time and I'm happy for now. We'll see. So we're back together, if you can call it that--as we really aren't together in the way that most people would describe being together: no marriage, no open transparent relationship in all public places, no taking and planning vacations together, no family reunions, etc...But it feels like we're married in the emotional sense. He is my best friend and I am his. When we do see each other, it's the most powerful connection I've ever had with a man: kind of like a honeymoon all the time.

Maybe that's why it feels so good. We don't have to deal with each other, day in and out, come home to one another or make decisions about financial or family matters that married couples do, we rarely disagree and when we do, we are able to work things out pretty easily; we don't have kids together so there's no parenting issues to deal with, and we don't have to consult with each other on major decisions.

Yet we often do consult each other on decisions and advice. And in doing so, we become even more emotionally connected.

So it's back to one day at a time for me.
Until next time,
The Other Woman

A River of Tears

2008-08-26T17:31:00.000-07:00

It finally happened. I've been crying a river of tears the past two days. It's been over two weeks since I told my married man that this wasn't working for me anymore and I've been strong, calm, collected, and patiently waiting for a response. No real tears until these past few days. Now it's a river.

When I first told him, he was blind-sided by it all. I did it right after we made exquisite love to one another. (I have to admit that I was surprised at my timing!) I'd never told him that before. He could always count on me to be there for him: with my love, my faith in us, my consistent, undying devotion to him and to us that I so freely gave. I don't believe that he ever thought I'd have the guts to let him go.

I honestly saw him tremble and all he could do was jet out the door as I began to question him about his inability to move out of his house for these past years. Let's just say it was a deep, probing conversation with lots of questions so he was in a real hurry to get out of all that!

When I asked him why he wasn't saying anything, he was close to his own river of tears. He said that he was thinking about all that I was saying, so I decided to give him some space to figure it out.

Space, you may ask yourself? Yeah, I know it's quite funny, isn't it? He's had 8 years to "figure it out." Ha! He was just plain scared: just like he is scared to get caught, scared of ruining his image professionally, personally and especially spiritually. He needed time to figure out a carefully worded reply, just as he probably does every time when he has to explain to his wife or his family where's he's been after he has been with me. Yep--it's time to take a break, gather my thoughts and figure out another lie.

Did I mention that he is considers himself a devout Christian? He has been tormented by our love, but it really is convenient for him to use this when he remembers it. He's heavily involved in his church, serves in leadership positions and has actually thought of some form of ministry himself. Yet, he conveniently forgets or chooses to ignore all of this when he makes the decision to be with me.

Now if I press the issue of when he will leave his marriage, he conveniently uses his Christian faith as a reason that we should just "be friends." Now, it's not the usual "I can't leave my marriage because I'm Christian," kind of excuse you'd expect. Instead it goes like this: "In order to discover and know God's will for my life, I need to do right by God and our relationship as it is now cannot be right with God. So if we are friends, then I'll know God's will for my life. If God wants us to be together, it will happen."

In the past, I've found Scripture to show how God is a forgiving God, God is love, how love is the most important thing of all, etc. etc. etc. to fight back and make my counterpoint. I've even pointed out to him that he broke his marriage vows long before I came along. (I'm not the first 'other woman' in his life.) I don't even go there anymore. He believes what he believes, yet he sends mixed messages and lives mixed messages within himself everytime we are together.

But here's the rub: To suggest that we can still be friends (emotionally) as we are now, would also be cheating in God's eyes for many Christians. He doesn't see that as an issue, but I bet if you ask his wife, she would. And the salt on my wound is that if I agree to staying connected as "friends," I may never get over this man. He still has me emotionally, we still have each other emotionally and we run the risk that we'll be physically intimate again very soon because we will long for each other even more. And if I think about not only salt to my wound, but add a long daggar further into it by agreeing to be friends, I could be stuck for another 8 years. It may seem incredible to many to imagine how I would even think of staying that long, much less for another 8 years, but it's amazing how time flies when you're not paying attention to it.

So when he called me this morning, I forced the conversation, really wanting some sort of feedback on what he's thinking. (He was just going to call and avoid the conversation.) I decided that he'd had enough space ... What I got was the same old pattern: "I think it's best if we can just be friends. I don't want to hurt you and it's not fair to ask you to wait...."

Hence, my river of tears. It hurts. I'm disappointed. I'm afraid. I'm sad. I feel used. I feel frustrated. I feel disrespected. After eight years and all these promises, all you can give me is "let's be friends?"

So I know what I'm going through is normal for someone in my situation. And I guess by now you can read into my anger and sarcasm a bit. Yes, I love this man. Now I have to decide what I want. By the time I'm done, I'll probably have an ocean of tears.

Letting Go of My Married Man

2008-08-10T06:43:00.000-07:00

This weekend I took a risk with a long-term relationship I’ve been in. While I love this man very much, there are things about the relationship that are currently not working for me. They are things that I have been compromising on for many years but that don’t really show respect for me as a person. I deserve to be loved in a way that I love. While I have given much love to this man, he has been unable to completely commit to me. I’ve gone along with this situation for almost 8 years. That’s a long time. It almost feels like a marriage, but with a twist: he's married alright--just not to me!

I’ve known in my gut that I needed to express these feelings, let him go and see if he comes back to me. The statistics are not in my favor. Most married men in this situation do not leave their marriages when given ultimatums by their lovers. And when they do, the statistics are not very good either. Almost every psychological study I've seen about married men leaving their wives for the other woman says that the vast majority of them do not work out. Yet, I know of several couples personally where it has worked out for more than 25 years.

Who knows what will happen to us or to me? I know that when I spoke with him that day, I needed to express myself in that moment about how our relationship right now is not working for me. Maybe I needed to let him go so that the Universe will bring me someone who can fully love me for who I am. All I know is that, had I done this even two years ago, I would be a nervous wreck at this point, sobbing over the loss and getting really depressed.

The truth of the matter is that I slept real well Saturday night after I told him. That was a huge shock to me, and validation of how far I've come in my own personal development over these years. Sunday I started to second-guess myself, and a little bit today as well. I do love this man. I loved our relationship, our friendship, our connection--when we were together, that is.

I am just plain tired. Tired of being second on his list; sometimes third or fourth, when it came to family things. Tired of not being able to be out in the world and proclaim our love to all that can see that we are crazy about each other. Yes, we are in love with each other. But there is something still holding him back.

I guess I always knew deep down that it would be me to let him go. And I am proud of myself--that I could think of myself first; that I had the courage and strength to lovingly express how I’m feeling, how I’m tired and how it’s not working for me like this.

Now, if he chooses to do something--get out of that house, for example--I will continue our relationship.

I sit and wait now. I have decided to wait and see what, if anything, he does next. Should he suggest that we get together and talk, I will not be intimate anymore. Should he show up with his suitcases in hand to my house, I will be thrilled!

Most of all, I feel free. Regardless of outcome, I did something for ME that I have needed to do for many years now.

So here I wait--for my married man--or not. But I won’t wait for long. I take it day by day and I need to work on the sadness I feel. While it feels as if I’m in mourning, there are no real tears right now. I sit back and observe that in shock. No tears? But there is a sense of a hollow heart, a bottomless pit in my stomach that is not going away. I love him. I also love myself enough to finally let him go. While I intend for him to take action, I also know that I have no control over those results. So I wait.

Wow, I’m so much stronger than I was just a year ago. Good for me. And I miss him already, but once I decide something big like this, there is no turning back for me. I’m like that: I don’t threaten to leave someone, give ultimatums, etc. and it takes me a long time to reach a major decision, but when I do, I do it quickly and cut the strings with the precision of a sharp knife. I am willing to sew those chords together with him, but only if he brings himself to me, with a concrete, visible results that he is indeed leaving his marriage.

It is unacceptable anymore for me to stay with this man if he cannot make that step. Since I cannot control another person, I had to do what I feel is best for me.

Hopefully he will see the light and take action. Maybe he’s not ready. Maybe he hasn’t grown as much as me. But then I did him a favor. Maybe it’s time he re-evaluate WHY he has remained with his wife that he professes not to love anymore--maybe there is still a chance for them to be happy. And I certainly cannot stand in their way any longer.

I miss him already and with hopeful anticipation for his next move. Time is on my side, either way.

Still Hanging In There-An Update

2008-05-04T18:58:00.000-07:00

I haven't been writing here because I am actually very happy lately. Everything in my life is going well, including my relationship with my MM. Has he left his home yet? No. But for now, I'm happy. Happy to wait a bit longer.

So I'm hanging in there....for now.

Getting Caught Up With Life

2008-02-24T10:15:00.001-08:00

Well, world, I got so caught up with life that I almost forgot about this blog!

My MM and I "made up" again: our attempt to break things off turned out to be only a temporary lapse in time. Intellectually and even psychologically, I know and understand that this is a common pattern between married men and their lovers.

I can also psychologically and intellectually analyze my situation and say that it is not healthy for me. I deserve better. I am a vibrant, intelligent, successful, kind, caring, honest woman with a thriving career, dreams and passions about many things, as well as witty and fairly attractive. People tell me I look much younger than my age, which I attribute to my playful nature in feeling young. Yet this one issue of being the other woman eats away at times at my inner depths of my soul.

Do I really think that much of myself? Psychologists would tell me that I have a self-esteem issue, yet I know and I believe and I feel in my heart that I am certainly capable and will attract a man who can love me like I deserve to be loved, after I get out of my current predicament.

Am I so desperate for companionship that I will settle for whatever I can get? That's not how my relationship with this man started, although I will say that I was going through some tough times when we met. I was vulnerable and he was an emotional rock for me. Perhaps I feel obligated to him in some unconscious way.

Could it be the sex? I am definitely not a person who gets in and stays in a relationship with a man purely because of great sex, but it certainly helps to have a thriving sex life. Ask anyone who doesn't have one right now and see what they say. I admit the sex is great but it's not the overriding issue why I'm still here, although my critics will certainly say that's why he's still here. And the sad thing is that there may be some truth to that, particularly if he is not getting what he wants at home.

Am I just so caught up in life that I don't want to take the energy and the pain that I know will be there to change it and let him go? Hmmmm....Interesting thought....I certainly know that it will be very difficult for me and lonely and sad to let him go. Secretly, I acknowledge that it will be a turning point: 1. he will either realize that I, too, am the love of his life and get out of his situation (or) 2. that will be the end and I can move on. Statistics point to the latter. Most married men don't get out of their situations and of those that do, there is great distrust in the relationship they establish with the other woman afterward.

Still, I know two couples who made a very happy life together later after getting out of their situations. They are happy together.

And I also know that they are the exceptions to the rule.

So I am caught up with life. Too scared to move forward, I think, yet knowing I need to or we will be looking at another 7 years of this.

When Words Are Not Enough

2007-11-25T14:45:00.000-08:00

It's been some time since I last posted. I've been busy, quite frankly. My MM and I had some difficult conversations during this time and I have to admit that I got it all out...I said everything I needed to say to him, so there will be no regrets.

Yet, we still keep talking. We're not seeing each other at the moment, but we are still talking. Well, these words are not enough. I know that I need to cut off communication if this affair is indeed ending. I know intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. Yet it is ironic that the spiritual side of me calls out his name, in my soul, in my heart. I love this man deeply. I feel a spiritual connection unlike I've ever felt in my life.

How is that possible, you may ask, when he is lying to everyone? Isn't it possible that he is lying to me as well?

Yes it is possible. Entirely quite possible, yet his words say something else. His words are always so perfect (with the exception of our recent spat). He always has a good way with his words. And therein lies the problem.

You see, I believed those words. I believed him when he said he loved me. I believed him when he said seven years ago that he was getting out of his marriage. I believed him again when he assured me that it wouldn't be much longer. Yet, here I am, seven years later, still alone, waiting here for him to leave his wife. What good are those words right now? His actions speak louder than words.

Actions speak louder than words. How so very true. His actions demonstrate to me that he does love me. But they also demonstrate to me that, for whatever the reason/s, I am not his first priority. Heck, I am not even his second or third priority right now. In fact, he told me once that I was on this short list of people who were high up on his list, yet his actions tell me otherwise.

I also know that things are not always black and white. It may seem that way from the outside, much like the thinking I used to have of knowing that I could never get in a situation like the situation I'm in. So I keep hoping.

Lately, I'm losing hope. I am so sad. I need to get a resolution to this, to step out in fear and step through the fear anyway. Maybe he'll meet me on the other side. Maybe not. Time will tell.

He Called

2007-10-29T19:27:00.000-07:00

He called. It's ok now so I can get some sleep tonight, which is what I'm going to do right now.

He Didn't Call

2007-10-28T17:41:00.000-07:00

He didn't call today. That's not surprising, since we had a fight these past few days. We have never fought like that before, so I'm feeling wounded and upset, but also curious because of what the fight was about.

He has issues of trust WITH ME. Can you imagine that? No wonder he doesn't trust as he cannot be trusted. He's been lying to his wife, family and friends (either directly or indirectly by his silence) for YEARS.

The fact that he didn't call is nothing new. This is the reality of being involved with a MM. Everything is on his terms. He controls when you see each other, how you communicate, how often and so on.

I'm tired of control. I love him but I'm tired. It's time I take control of my life, don't you think?

I could call him and I often do, having a lot more guts in the later years of our relationship than I had in the beginning. I figure that it is his issue whether or not he has his phone around and if he answers, and how he explains it.

I used to be what I thought was "considerate" of his situation; always waiting for him to call, never calling him so he wouldn't get discovered, etc. Back then, he had a pager, so I could always call that. I was so concerned about having him get caught! Maybe it was due to my fear that he would then leave me, if he were found out....hmmm--something to ponder.

Anyway, 4 years ago I would be very upset that he didn't call. Now, I am just indifferent. I miss him, yes, and I'm feeling bad because we fought and I'm not sure what will happen, but I am tired of feeling tired and sad and disappointed because he didn't call. So I do the things I love instead, like write here.

So maybe tomorrow, he'll call. Maybe not. I honestly need the time to reflect on what I'm going to do and when. It will be a welcome relief if he leaves me alone for a few days. Of course, I could always not answer the phone, but it's hard, especially when I miss him.

NOTE TO WIVES: Married men with pagers and cell phone bills that come to a P.O. Box or that you cannot see--wives, beware! If you cannot look at your husband's bill, then he's hiding something!

Never Say "Never"

2007-10-27T21:34:00.000-07:00

How did I get here? I used to say I'd never get involved with a married man! How did it happen? Why didn't I think first before jumping into things? How could I have been so foolish?

I used to judge people all the time. I used to say that I'd NEVER get involved with a married man, as if I were some "holier than thou" person--as if women who did this were weak, inferior and immoral. I judged the women. I judged because society judges. Yet no one talks much about the man who is stepping out on his wife...

I learned real quick to bite my tongue when it came to judging people's situations when I completely fell for my married man (MM). This is my journey. It has been seven years. It has been a long seven years of pain, suffering, lonliness, heartache, guilt, feeling ashamed, condemned, broken-hearted, desperate, yet longing and hoping and praying that he'd leave his wife.

Well, guess what, world? He's still there with her! Seven years, not months! Seven years--count them! One-two-three-four-five-six-seven! And I'm still here, hanging on to some hope that he'll leave his marriage and we can start a life together...But even that is a lie, as that is not what I feel inside; only what I say to the few that I've chosen to confide in.

This is my journey. I write in order to educate--to give the world an idea of what it's like to be "the other woman." What it's like to be a functioning person in this world who seems so normal in all other ways, what it's like to experience the emotions of disappointments, the constant waiting and longing and emotional rollercoaster of a ride in this journey.

I write to assist: to assist other women who may be contemplating whether to get involved in this type of affair; to assist the wives who know deep down inside that their husbands are cheating on them; to assist the men who choose this life yet don't consider the consequences of their behaviors; to assist the children of families affected by a life of lies and deception; and to assist me in getting out, in gaining strength in knowing that my words will serve as my counselor, my comforter, my enabler to motivate me to take action and leave.

Welcome to my blog.