A joyful effort

My trip to see Rachel

2011-06-27T02:55:00.000-07:00

About my trip to Barnsdall, Oklahoma to see Rachel

harvest festival

2011-06-20T06:22:00.000-07:00

i dreamt of a beautiful place of love, community, and affection. we were preparing a harvest. there was a parade amongst neighbors to celebrate beauty and love. i was helping prepare the food and harvest. and a beautiful relationship of affection and love was unfolding. and many family members, roommates, and friends i knew where there. what a lovely dream.

The Future

2011-06-19T23:19:00.000-07:00

Today is the tomorrow you expected yesterday

- From the "the Lost Thing" by Shaun Tan

I've been really inspired by this quote, as well as several other quotes expressing the urgency of now in Shaun Tan's story "the lost thing". It has reminded me that in every moment I have a choice to create the future that is happening right now.

Now is the future!

Now is the time!

Now is the moment you have been waiting for.

Three children's stories by Shaun Tan

2011-06-19T22:56:00.000-07:00

Recently i read a children's book with 3 stories written and illustrated by Shaun Tan with one story by John Marsden. The book was touching because it resonated with me personally and also touched on some of my political beliefs.

The Red Tree - a girl gracefully shows how depression is an inward challenge that can be transformed at the drop of the hat after interacting with a beautiful object for example or being inspired by something outside of us. I can relate to this experience---how one simple thought, action, or experience can suddenly shift my inward perspective and make everything feel tolerable-- even joyful.

The Lost Thing- Objects that don't fit into the perfect industrial society are able to hideout in a top secret land and connect with one another! I feel like sometimes I am looking for my "secret entrance" to the world of things that don't fit.

Note: this story was made into a short film that can be purchased from the following web site:
http://www.thelostthing.com/

The Rabbits (john mardsen)- The rabbits take over the land and resources of the indigenous animals. there is no stopping the rabbits; there are simply too many to count and no matter how hard or strategic the indigenous animals fought they could not overcome the force of the rabbits.

it's not about winning or loosing. it's how one group oppressed and took over another. This is a great reminder about the predicament that we are in today as a direct result of what happened when "the rabbits" took over. The story ends with a question, "who will stop the rabbits?".

new age confusion

2011-06-15T22:19:00.000-07:00

it's hard to believe i was beating myself up over the spiritual teachings of others. it's almost as if i blamed myself for feeling uncomfortable with the teachings. I tried to force myself to accept the wisdom imparted as if trying harder would help me "get it". when i didn't allow myself the space to be confused or uncomfortable i took a judgmental approach that caused me great harm. feelings of insecurity would rise.

recently i had the realization that i needed to quit feeling like shit about being confused . i deserve the space to be confused. i deserve the space to not get new age thinking. i deserve the space to disagree with the new age thinkers. and the time to explore why i am uncomfortable to get at the bigger picture of whats going on with myself. maybe there are some parts of the teachings that i like. i deserve the space to create my own spiritual theories and beliefs. my own thoughts matter.

sometimes people who have been though traumatic life experiences have to remind themselves that it's okay to feel confused or uncomfortable. feelings of discomfort might be a clue to understanding the bigger picture. i would like to take more time to understand my discomforts, and give them the credibility to mean something important.

it is pretty scary to admit to you how clueless i can be about providing myself with basic love, care, and attention.
it is pretty awesome that I'm making great strides!

connected

2011-06-15T22:18:00.000-07:00

It has been such a long time since I practiced meditation. Last night, i was feeling a little sick but obligated to attend a birthday party of a common friend. So i thought why not meditate? it might help me make my decision, or at least rest and clear my mind before i decide to go out. Ultimately, i decided that I didn't need to do anything. and i chose to stay home because i was tired and groggy from my sinus infection.

the cool part is this. while laying in bed and falling asleep, i felt a glimpse of being connected to everyone. i felt like i belonged and that everything was just right, even though it all seems so imperfect. i had an insight that despite my living arrangements and desires for having more like-minded community people living here, that this was okay just the way it was. i felt peaceful and loved.

these moments are so greatly appreciated when they happen.

finding my way home

2011-06-15T21:16:00.000-07:00

there was one week in May when my sense of being was crushed upon by huge weight of insecurity. i felt an emotional pain coming from lower back, resonating through my whole pysche. anxiety, fear, insecurity were all coursing through my body. it owned me.

this severe anxiety followed me on a trip to Oklahoma, but i was able to cast it to bay when i was hanging out with a friend. still it coursed underneath the surface, making itself known when the situation presented any kind of challenge. the osage dances, for example, presented a unique situation that made me feel uncertain, fearful of infringing upon something that is familial and sacred to someone else -- i didn't belong. And due to the triggers of anxiety and fear already in place, i wasn't really capable of facing my fears. we had to leave the dances soon after we arrived.

but the reason i wrote this post, is to share that i had a recovery moment. it happened on my way home from Oklahoma. i stopped at one of the state parks to go swimming in the lake. on my own, i prepared to go swimming. this was a courageous act of self love, trying to take care of myself and make myself feel good by creating a good time. when i swam in the lake, i asked the lake if it could help heal me and connect me with something larger than myself, something that would make me feel better. I respectfully asked for help, understanding that there could be reasons why it was not possible for me to receive it. Then i swam and floated and played in the lake for a while. afterwards i used a bug infested bathhouse to clean the lake water off while taking note of the transformation.

The lower part of my back that is highly sensitive to emotional energy felt different. this time, a clean, piercing energy pushed through it. i might describe as the lively, yet wounded inner child--peeking her head out and looking at the wonders of the world. An energy that felt both lively and a little bruised decided that live might be worth living and it's time to express herself. I tuned my awareness into this area of my body where the energy was coming from. and i decided that this energy would be the deciding factor on how i spent the rest of my day, week, month, and life -- for however long it stuck around to communicate with me. And this good feeling stayed with me for quite a while and helped me make decisions. And even as a I type this right now, i feel that the energy is still present, but integrated more holistically into my awareness, instead of being concentrated to an area of my lower back. this part of me, i think, is the lively spontaneous being that I truly am.

as a take home, it might make sense to propose that, when we get in touch with our inner spirit, we may have to at first get in touch with our inner wounds.

Coming out of the PTSD closet

2011-05-30T08:37:00.000-07:00

One of the reasons it has been difficult to come out of the PTSD closet is because of a fear of what others will think. I am specifically afraid that people will see me as helpless and an emotionally challenged person. I think others will not understand why I get triggered and have anxiety to work though. I think they will believe that there is something i can do about it to fix it, but that I'm just stupid or "doing it wrong". they might think i just need to get on my bootstraps to face the world.

I've come across some damaging mentalities and beliefs that have played into this insecurity. For example, when I was in library school I remember that someone i looked up to said that he wanted to meet "people without histories". That led me to believe he would not want to interact with someone like me who was still processing through my history. Others have said that when i get feelings of anxiety, i just need to fight them and push them away or focus on something different. They think i'm not handling this the best way, and that by being with my feelings i am just encouraging a shitfest. I know someone that thinks the only problem with humanity is that we are not confident enough, if we just believed in ourselves and developed better confidence then the world would be a better place. But how do you tell a traumatized person that their problem is confidence? Like there is some kind of magical thought that will suddenly make me feel better and more confident and thus improve my life. I feel judged by these mentalities. Ideally, i would be able to sit well with the discomforting beliefs and not let them affect me so much.

milestones

2011-05-30T08:22:00.000-07:00

it used to be that a wall of intensity, fear, and pain was constantly surrounding my body, my being, my psyche, my life. i had momentary breakthroughs when i experienced the removal of the wall. these moments were brought about by human interaction, connection with nature, or spiritual activities. finally that wall is gone. the situation has reversed. sometimes i feel moments of fear and anxiety, and then i process through it or wait it out and go back to my normal self. a self without walls. i've come a far way in the healing and recovery process. i'm proud of sticking with it! And i am so thankful for all my friends and associates that have made the road to recovery easier by being there for me and listening to my when i'm going through anxiety and need to talk.thanks for being real and allowing for truthful conversations. I'm not sure i could have done it without you. i need a village.

what i've noticed

2011-05-29T15:54:00.000-07:00

in order to experience joy, we must acknowledge sorrow and pain. pain and anxiety make room for peace and reality. i fear that i might make you uncomfortable at times with my deep feelings. i understand if you need the space. i do too. is it possible that i remind you of something within that needs help or acknowledgement?something that needs to be freed so that you can grow?

A blast from the past!

2011-05-29T09:31:00.000-07:00

an old friend contacted me to share the news. there is a middle school reunion. it will be at a park. the night event hasn't been planned yet. it's coming up this summer. unexpectedly, i found myself immediately facing some 12 year old angst. hate, fear, insecurity and anxiety entangled my brain. this was a dark period of my life. i was amazed that i could still be consumed with these feelings. during middle school i hated myself and the world, and now i remembered what it was like.

I wanted to run and hide. i wanted to kick something. i certainly didn't want to go to this reunion. the next few days were a little bit hard, because this part of myself was hanging out at the surface. she said hello to all my crushes, who i normally could have confident and comfortable conversation with. she sent signals to my coworkers to back off. and she advised me to retreat within.

a weekish later, i am feeling okay. some kind of cleansing process seems to have taken place. the 12 year old girl got to talk and now she's satisfied or maybe gone? With her no longer tugging on my senses, i feel better balanced. now i am looking forward to meeting up with my childhood friend and seeing where we stand without 12 year old angst. i wonder what kind of laughter we'll have now.

the gaurdian

2011-05-29T09:08:00.000-07:00

One morning I saw the legs of a spirit sprawled over the side of my husband's bed. this was after he moved into his own bedroom onto the second floor. the spirit noticed that i saw the legs and then they moved. honestly, i thought a girlfriend might be sleeping over. when i crept closer, curious, the being was gone having dissipated elsewhere. i felt good about the experience. i thought the legs belonged to a spirit that might be protecting or watching out after ben. she seemed like a young girl or petite women watching out after my man, or my good friend that will soon be an ex.

I was looking through photos today. some couple shots. it's hard to tell that we had problems by looking at the pictures. everything seems happy. we look like a great couple. it's interesting how photography only tells the surface level of the story. i wonder how much people don't know about me because they've only met me at the top. In the middle or underneath, things can get complicated. But it's more real and true. plus i am learning how to process through the bullshit and be an easy breeze. to let the flow go through me. to be light and airy.

the ghost experience got me exited about life and living. i imagined a world of spirits dancing around us, giving us energy and ideas and strength and opportunities. I imagined that the world was made up of spirits and that they are part of the energy force that keeps things going. Then at night i got scared and wanted to shut off my spirit barometer. i didn't want to see any scary ghosts. i lost sleep. i had to crawl into bed with my soon to be ex so at least someone else would be there. i had the heebie jeebies.

spirit attacks

2011-05-29T08:47:00.000-07:00

here is a sleepy babe that is comforted in rest. i wanted to rest too. but I was too scared of seeing a ghost at night. i am afraid of ghosts, even though i was once amused by the energy around us. I perceived colorful dancing spirits that meant no harm. now i perceive fearful attacks and assaults. it can be scary to feel like you are being watched or hunted. now i know that it's too much for my brain. I prefer the space around us to be space.

here i am

2011-05-29T08:39:00.000-07:00

i might be back to share more photos and captions. they say recovery is a lifelong process. i am a spirit.

Stoic Babes

2011-05-29T08:35:00.000-07:00

my thunderclouds are searching for a striking object to attack. i admit i feel very bad about this. i wish they didn't eat squirrels.

i want to enjoy my life

2010-06-28T16:54:00.000-07:00

expiration date

2010-05-03T18:01:00.000-07:00

the expiration date has arrived. time to travel to the future where you and i get a long.

furniture rearrangements

2010-04-26T17:59:00.000-07:00

when the furniture is rearranged, the room if filled with a creative peace. the walls dance, invigorated with a new purpose. it is simple and awesome.

lets eat

2010-03-22T13:50:00.000-07:00

i once ate some rainbow flavored popcorn on Troost. this photo reminds me of the popcorn.

amazing sushi

2010-03-21T13:57:00.000-07:00

i like it when ben makes sushi rolls :D

when you feel pain, it might feel like nothing

2010-03-19T13:07:00.000-07:00

when you are feeling pain, sometimes your body doesn't know it. it keeps functioning so that you can survive. you could feel intense pain everyday and think that it is so normal like breathing fresh air and going pee. your friends may ask you what's wrong, and you may respond, "nothing", because you really think nothing is wrong. sometimes the pain is sensed. it can become unbearable. it may be like living in hell. but i have faith in your recovery. i think you are smart enough to use pain to your advantage. listen to what it tells you, but don't let it boss you around.

in a bedroom made of lace

2010-03-17T13:53:00.000-07:00

welcome to my room. i hope it comforts you. i hope it brings you refreshment and rest. i look forward to spending lots of time here, creating monuments and napping in the middle of the day.

becoming me

2010-03-15T12:50:00.000-07:00

i feel like i have deleted a past that was muddied with fear.i do not like feeling anxious, wounded, and protective, but looking back i consider these parts important aspects to becoming me. those feelings had to be experienced in order to become something new.

that anxious and wounded girl gave up her identity so that i could keep growing. her strength and spirit should be honored.

<3 peace

growing up is awesome

2010-03-14T16:22:00.000-07:00

i love it when all signs point to yes and it feels like things are moving in the right direction. and when it seems like someone really awesome might move into your house, while you are already living with some cool people. and when you've grown up enough that you can so NO and prevent a calamity from happening just by being straightforward and honest. "I'm sorry sir, but I don't think you'd be a good fit here."i love how growing up is so amazing because it provides me with tools to make things happen.

Avenue Thrift is Kansas City's finest since 1966

2010-03-13T12:10:00.000-08:00

if we count a thrift store as one of Kansas City's "finest", we might conclude that this small cowtown places high value on used goods. you could say that we build houses of love from discarded videotapes and fisher price toys. our spirit of thrift will enlighten.