What an emotionally complex time this is! The joy and numerous activities of the holidays. The tragic mass shooting and suicide in Connecticut. How to feel emotionally? Is it okay to feel love and joy when other parents are struggling with the grief of losing their child?

This is not something you can sort out intellectually. Emotions are not like that. How to be? Be wherever you are in the moment. Sad and filled with deep appreciation for your own child when you think of the children we have lost. Filled with delight when you see the magic of the holidays in your child’s eyes.

You can choose where you want to put your attention. Suppressing or feeling guilty about your own joy when others are in grief does not help them. Reaching out to them in love and caring energetically or in some real tangible way are more uplifting to them and to you. Joining them in their sadness and staying there denies your own joy to you and to them.

Yes, it may feel hard and it is do-able. It will make you a better person and parent. How’s that for big rewards?

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Here is an article I wrote in March of this year related to this topic Another School Shooting…Are You Paying Attention?

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Guidelines for Talking with Your Child about Tragedy and Traumatic Events

Times of crisis and distress are difficult and confusing for parents and children alike. How can you best support your child during these times? Here are guidelines to help you and your child navigate the challenging waters of painful events.

1. Remember that you and your child are separate and different people, and you will each feel your own unique emotions and process them in your own way. Your child’s and your experience may be profoundly different. Be prepared for this and be open to exploring your child’s feelings and thoughts separate from your own.

2. Before interacting with your child, focus on yourself first. What are you feeling? Be deeply honest here. Sometimes writing down your emotions can help you explore and clarify what you’re feeling and how you can take care of yourself and process the tragedy. Perhaps you can share your complicated feelings and thoughts with someone you trust.

By clarifying your own emotions and thoughts for yourself first, you can be more lovingly, neutrally present for your child. One thing you do not want to do is process your own feelings with your child.

3. If your child is young (under 8 or so) and she is not aware of the tragedy, there is nothing to be gained by telling her. Young children have greater difficulty understanding and putting in perspective what has happened than older children. There is no reason to stir up stress for your child.

4. In talking with your child, the most important thing you can discuss is their feelings about the event. Be there for your child.

Most articles I’ve read recommend answering your child’s question about the Connecticut shooting. I think this can be helpful, and what you’re doing is giving your child your perspective to help him. It is ‘your’ perspective.

Much more powerful and effective is to help your child explore his feelings and ideas, how he can best find his own way through this. Your best resources are deep listening, asking questions to understand, your love and caring, your time.

In asking your child questions, give him time to think things through within himself. Allow for times of silence in the conversation and be present. You may find your child has an immediate thought. Yet with a little more time, new insights and understanding may occur to him.

Here are some suggestions for the kinds of questions your child will find helpful:

~ How do you feel about ____ (description of the event)?

~ What do you wish would have happened?

~ What do you think you would have done in this situation?

~ Tell me more.

If your child expresses fear about her own safety:

~ What are you afraid might happen?

~ Has this ever happened before?

~ What do you want me to do? How can I help you?

~ What can you do to help you feel safe?

Of course, reassure your child based on your own experiences and be honest about your own feelings in a way that is as objective and neutral as you can. Do this after you listen to your child.

By listening to your child first, you will be able to more clearly respond to your child’s needs and feelings because you’ll understand more about what he is experiencing.

If your child asks why this happened:

~ Why do you think this happened?

~ What do you think the person who did this was feeling?

~ What could you do if you were feeling this way?

Again, your answer to this question is very appropriate here…after listening to your child.

Make it a sharing between the two of you as people with most of the sharing done by your child.

5. Observe your child to notice any changes in her behavior. If you notice anything that is troubling, be sure to bring up the subject again.

If, at the end of your conversation, your child seems happy and confident and you see no changes in behavior that indicate further stress, simply carry on with your life with no need to discuss it further. If your child continues to be trying to sort it all out, be open to continued conversations when she brings it up.

Remember, your most powerful resources in helping your child process tragic events are your love, being aware and observant of your child, your presence, focusing on yourself first, listening and asking questions.

I’d love to know how you’re feeling with this recent school shooting. How have you resolved it for yourself? What have you experienced or discovered in talking with your child about it? Please share in Comments below.

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Click here to read another thoughtful article that raises important questions and observations.

For those of you in the U.S., I hope your Thanksgiving was joyous and that you shared many warm, precious moments with your family. For me, it felt even more wonderful that usual. Here is what I’ve discovered.

For me, a joyous Thanksgiving means…

Feeling lovingly connected and relaxed with my family

Preparing, enjoying, and celebrating good food together

Sharing the food preparation so everyone contributes and does as much as s/he wants

Making pumpkin pie with ease the day before with two wonderful grandchildren ready with a tasting spoon each

Feeling refreshed and nourished at the end of the day

Cherishing my wonderful memories of a day well lived

What made your day special for you?

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That Annoying ‘Taken for Granted’ Feeling

When I talk deeply and honestly with parents about their parenting challenges, there is one that eventually surfaces. Buried under layers of their child’s misbehaviors is the feeling of being taken for granted by their child.

Feeling unappreciated and recognized for all they give and do for their child. Sometimes they call it “feeling disrespected.”

This truth is often shared quietly and with a feeling of shame and hesitancy to admit it, even to themselves.

What I find is parents often ignore this feeling because they’re focused on their child’s observable behaviors, the things they can see and hear, and not on the sub-text of their communication together.

Sometimes they don’t recognize it because they are busy doing, giving, and taking care of their child.

Does this sound familiar?

On the slip side, sometimes parents don’t recognize appreciation from their child when it is given, for example when your child does something thoughtful for you or gives you a big hug and says, “I love you!”

Often when parents feel unappreciated and taken for granted, their tempers flare more easily because they feel exhausted and drained. Yet, underneath this lies the debilitating feeling of being unappreciated for all they give to their child.

If you feel taken for granted, it is not a flaw in your child. The truth is your child longs to feel loving and appreciative toward you. She may not consciously recognize this desire nor have the awareness, but she feels it, nonetheless …even your seemingly uncaring teen or tween.

If you want to feel more appreciated by your child of any age, then it is you who must step up to make the change in yourself. It is you who has the insight, awareness, and resources to create a better relationship between you and your child.

I invite you to explore this for yourself. Here are some questions to get you started.

1. What are the ways or situations in which you feel appreciated by your child?

2. What are the things you do for your child that leave you feeling exhausted and taken for granted?

3. What are the things you’d most like your child to appreciate about you or what you’ve done or given? Write them down.

4. What does being taken for granted feel like to you?

5. What do you do or say when you feel taken for granted by your child?

What are the times you feel appreciated by your child? Please let me know in the Comments below.

Today is a great day to take action! If you’d like some help knowing how to have your child appreciate you more, I invite to you get my video series “How to Foster Heart-Felt Appreciation, Politeness, and Kindness in your Child.”

You can get this program for almost 50% off from now until this Friday, November 30.

Click here to get this for yourself and your child.

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Connie Recommends: “How to Foster Heart-Felt Appreciation, Politeness, and Kindness in your Child”

If you’d like to learn a new, easier approach that actually gets results without all of the reminding and frustration, I invite you get my new video series “How to Foster Heart-Felt Appreciation, Politeness, and Kindness in your Child.”

Every parent wants their child to be on their best behavior during the holidays and year round. This creates a lot of stress for you and your child. That makes this an excellent time of year to support your child to develop and live the art of heart-felt appreciation and kindness.

This information-packed video series teaches you specific steps you can implement immediately and will be invaluable for children of all ages. Plus, you’ll be able to watch the videos anytime, anywhere that is convenient for you, especially during this busy time of year.

You can get the video series for almost 50% off plus a F.EEE bonus by acting today.

Click here to get your program and to learn more..

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What’s Connie Up To?

Saturday, January 5

Imagine setting aside a few short hours to focus on your family and to reflect on what worked and didn’t work in 2012. Then be guided through a process to help you clarify your priorities for 2013 and to create specific ideas and plans to make the New Year even more harmonious, fun, and easy with your child. This F.REE event will be from 9 – 11:30 am Pacific.

Mark your calendars! I’ll send you more information as the time gets closer.

End of January Joyous Parenting Training

This is the class that will rock your socks when it comes to parenting and lay a foundation of deep understanding of how to be the parent your child wants you to be, the parent you will most enjoy being. Seven classes plus options for additional support. More info coming soon.

I had my 2-year-old granddaughter Madison yesterday morning, and she must have said “Thank you” to me at least 5 times in the short time I had her.

In fact, “Thank you” were some of her very first words, and it always delights me to hear her say it. Especially since no one has ever told her to say this, and I certainly didn’t tell her yesterday.

She thanked me for putting on her socks, for holding her doll for her when she asked me to, for giving her some of the berry shake I made. Ready to have it be this easy with your child?

I share all my secrets in my new video series “How to Foster Heart-Felt Appreciation, Politeness, and Kindness in Your Child,” which is now available for you.

I’m so excited about this convenient, affordable program, not only for the results you can have, but also because the traditional ways of teaching politeness and caring actually limit your child. I tell you all about this in my article below.

Plus, you can have it right now for a one-time only discounted investment. Honestly, you can’t go wrong and it will make such a huge positive difference in your child’s development and in your relationship with your child.

Don’t miss out! Click here to learn all about it.

Happy trails!

To your Joyous Family!
Connie

P.S. A big, warm welcome to all our new readers! I look forward to getting to know you.

P.P.S. Do you know someone who is passionate about being a good parent or who could use a little help to create a more harmonious, fun, and easy relationship with their child? If so, would you please forward this email on to her?

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New Article: 3 Important Ways Teaching Manners Can Limit Your Child

Teaching your child manners and kindness can seem to be pretty straight-forward. Just keep reminding him and telling her, and it will eventually sink it. After all, pretty much everyone you know is doing it this way, so it must be okay.

Not so!

Everyone agrees it is hugely important for children to be self-confident, self-reliant, self-expressive, and to have high self-esteem. In fact, in my recent survey, the most important topic parents want to know about is fostering self-confidence in their child.

You may believe that how you teach self-confidence is unrelated to how you teach politeness and caring to your child. When, in fact, I have found them to be intricately connected.

When you care about your child being self-confident, self-reliant, and having high self-esteem, every interaction matters. The more frequently you repeat a specific way of communicating with your child, the greater the impact and the more powerful a pattern becomes with long term effects.

On the surface, words like “Tell him thank you.” or “Say hello” seem innocent and harmless. Yet when you look at your meta message, the message behind your words, the message contained in your words, your child hears something different.

Your child hears, “I really don’t trust you to know or say the right thing. I have to tell you because if I didn’t, you’re basically incapable of knowing what to say.” Not a very self-confidence inducing message.

Children feel disrespected and treated ‘small’ when we tell them to parrot back what we say. I’ve heard 7 and 8-year-olds tell their parents, “Stop telling me what to say!”

Imagine if your boss or spouse frequently told you what to say. How would that feel to you? Would you like this person very much? Would you even want to be around them? Or would you feel unseen, annoyed, and want them to stop?

This information may come as a surprise to you, and you may not have looked at what you’re doing this way before. I invite you to consider it.

I totally know how much you want to be a good parent to your precious child. You would never intentionally, consciously do something that diminishes your child’s self-reliance and self-expression.

Now the ball is in your court. What can you do differently that encourages your child’s self-expression and self-confidence? What changes are you going to make in how you talk with your child?

These are hugely important questions to ask yourself.

By making your child’s self-confidence, self-expression, and self-reliance some of your highest priorities, you will discover more expansive, effective ways to relate with your child.

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Connie Recommends: “How to Foster Heart-Felt Appreciation, Politeness, and Kindness in your Child”

If you’d like to learn a new, easier approach that actually gets results without all of the reminding and frustration, I invite you get my new video series “How to Foster Heart-Felt Appreciation, Politeness, and Kindness in your Child.”

Every parent wants their child to be on their best behavior during the holidays and year round. This creates a lot of stress for you and your child. That makes this an excellent time of year to support your child to develop and live the art of heart-felt appreciation and kindness.

This information-packed video series teaches you specific steps you can implement immediately and will be invaluable for children of all ages. Plus, you’ll be able to watch the videos anytime, anywhere that is convenient for you, especially during this busy time of year.

You can get my video series for almost 50% off plus a F.EEE bonus by acting today.

Click here to get your program and to learn more..

I spent much of yesterday developing the content for my soon-to-be-released video series “How to Foster Heart-Felt Appreciation, Politeness, and Kindness in Your Child.” I am SO EXCITED to be sharing this information with you! I can hardly contain myself!

I’ve been wanting to share this easy, effective approach with your for quite a while. I feel so good to be putting it into a format I think you’ll like and that will get you results you want. I’m even including an extra video that is focused specifically on developing heart-felt appreciation in tweens and teens.

Plus I’m including a special one-time bonus for those who take action early. I’ll tell you all about it next week so watch for my email.

Happy trails!

To your Joyous Family!
Connie

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New Video: What is Your Appreciation Quotient?

Heart-felt appreciation is one of the most joyous feelings I know. It is the feeling of being amazingly, delightfully blown away by who someone is or something they do.

Sometimes people call it gratitude. I personally like ‘appreciation.’ This joyous feeling is good for your child and good for you.

In today’s video, I share a story about my experience being appreciative that will inspire you to have more. Plus you’ll see where so many of us fall short of what is possible.

What is your Appreciation Quotient?

What do you most appreciate in your life right now? How does it make you feel? Let me know in Comments below.

Almost every parent I talk with in depth admits they don’t feel appreciated by their child.

Parents of young children don’t expect appreciation, believing their youngster is incapable of such awareness.

Parents of teens hate the lack of appreciation they receive for all they’ve done and are continuing to do for their adolescent, yet it is considered ‘normal behavior’ in teens.

Those parents with children between toddler and teen passionately hope their child will figure it out.

When my son was young, I committed to trying something different from what I saw parents around me doing…and with profound, amazing results. Now, observing my two grandchildren ages 2 and 5, I am continually blown away by their heart-felt appreciation, politeness and kindness toward me and others.

Watch the short video below to learn the most important part of developing appreciation in your child.

Doug and I were camping and literally ‘driving off the beaten track’ last week in Anza Borrego Desert State Park. We camped in Hawk Canyon, one of our favorite places in the park.

We went there because the wind was gusting hard, making it impossible for me to relax and enjoy where we were. When we got to Hawk Canyon, we nestled into our little alcove between the high red rock cliffs. The air was still, and it was just us and Mother Earth.

My body immediately relaxed, and I felt happy and free. Everything was simply perfect, and I could have stayed there for days, listening to myself, being, responding to what I felt called to do next. I felt so content and fulfilled.

Return to my life in the Bay Area, and everything has changed. There are emails to go through and write, people to meet, projects to get done, holiday gifts to be chosen. I love all these things, yet what a change!

I find it’s so easy to get caught up in all the seemingly necessary and important tasks of my daily life and to lose the deeper joy and flow of it. I push myself to get things done instead of listening to myself and being.

Today I’m going to imagine myself back in Hawk Canyon where I feel free, relaxed, and fulfilled by simply being. I wonder what kind of day I’ll create.

What are your secrets to getting into the flow and fulfillment of life? Please share them with us.

Today I offer you a new perspective on being a parent, one which you might not have really considered before. Yet it is hugely important in bringing out the best in your child and to make parenting more fun and fulfilling.

The beauty of Number 7 of my Top Ten Parenting Tips is that it does not require you to try to change your child. Instead, the steps you can take are totally in your own hands.

Curious? Good!

No, I’m not going to tell you what it is. I really want you to watch this short (about 4.5 minutes) video to see what you discover for yourself.

Then share with me and other moms — What is calling you?

Doug and I recently returned from visiting my brother and his wife in Estes Park, Colorado, near Rocky Mountain National Park. To add to the excitement, we took our 5-year-old grandson Sebastian.

This is Sebastian’s first airplane flight since he was an infant, and I don’t know which of us is more excited – him or me. I am thrilled to be sharing this experience with him. He arrives at our home eager to get to the airport; then at the airport goes through dropping off our bags and security with ease. He is impatient to get on the plane and then for the plane to take off.

Every step of the way he wants to know what is going on. “When are we getting something to eat?” “Why are we stopping?” “Are we going to take off now?”

A few seconds after take-off, he grabs his stomach and exclaims, “Whew, I feel a little nauseous!”

He waits a couple of seconds, looks out the window again, and exclaims breathlessly, “Whoa! I’m a little scared!” Then leans back in his seat for a few seconds to re-group.

Soon he is over his caution and he gazes out the window, studying all he sees below. While still over the Bay Area, he points out the window and eagerly tells me, “Look, Connie. It looks like a map down there!”

Brilliant observation, He’s right. I’ve never thought of it that way. Through the eyes of a child…

On our return flight, Sebastian is now a veteran flyer. He knows what’s expected as we go through all the airport procedures, even taking 100% responsibility for his things going through security. I wasn’t about to touch his bin!

Family adventures give us such joyous, magical memories and deepen our connection with one another. They expand your child’s self-confidence, understanding of the world and ability to enjoy and be successful in life. A bargain at any price!

Below are more photos of our trip, plus tips and suggestions for creating your own fall family adventure, whether it’s an outing of a few hours or a weekend journey.

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I invite you to create your own adventure with your family this fall. Even though summer is over, you can still get out and enjoy the fresh coolness of fall.

When planning a family adventure, here are important guidelines to follow:

!. Choose you destination and activity together. Just because you drive the car, your vote does not trump everyone else’s.

2. If you simply cannot agree on a destination, then work out an agreement that works for everyone. This weekend we go here; next weekend we do what someone else wants to do. The agreement also includes no whining, complaining, or feet-dragging when it’s not your pick.

3. Think outside the box. What can you do that will be new to everyone, even if you’re not sure you’ll like it. Be willing to experiment.

4. Stretch your comfort zone. Maybe the idea of playing video games is like fingernails on a chalkboard. Yet can two hours exploring something your child loves ruin your day or do you harm? Perhaps you’ll discover something new about your child, and he might even see you in a different light.

5. Don’t let your child of any age talk you out of your resolve to do something together. Toughing it out with Mom and Dad won’t destroy his sense of self. Or it might, which could be a good thing.

Here are some activities you could do in a a couple of hours or a weekend:

~ Visit your closest state park for a day or a weekend and go exploring.

~ Take a hike. On our trip to Colorado, Sebastian hiked 4 miles at an elevation of about 12,000 feet without complaint or whining. Give your child of any age the opportunity to challenge his body and build endurance and strength.

~ Travel to the nearest body of water – a stream, lake or ocean. Walk beside it. Play in it. Look in to see what you can find.

~ Visit a museum near your home, one with something of interest to your child. Look for special exhibits that appeal to your family.

~ Visit a wildlife rescue center near you. What a great way for all of you to see wildlife up close.

~ Speaking of seeing wildlife up close, visit a zoo in your area.

~ Ask your child what s/he would most like to do.

Highlights and Photos of our Trip:

Seeing FIVE big horn rams, all close to the road, on Bas’s 5th birthday

Seeing and hearing the bull elk bugle and fight over the femiales

Watching Bas throw rocks in the water, swing sticks as we walked down the trail, use trekking poles, want to catch fish, spotting elk poop.

Bas answering questions and being sworn in as a Junior Ranger after extensive research to complete his Jr. Ranger Book. He took great pride in that badge.

Bright golden leaves of the aspen

What are your favorite adventure spots with your family? What do you most enjoy! I’d love to have you share them in the Comments below.

Here’s to experiencing and cherishing all the joy and beauty life offers us!

Connie

~ Personal note from Connie

I hope you and your family are doing wonderfully! On Monday Doug and I trailered our horses to Sam McDonald County Park, my favorite place to ride. It was a warm, sunny day, perfect for a ride. One of our favorite trails goes down the ridge through lush vegetation, a pause for lunch, then a couple of stream crossings where our horses pause to drink.

Soon we are loping through the redwoods, surrounded by them. My hair is flying, the air is clear and sweet, and I am in bliss. I know of nothing I love more. Such freedom and joy!

We come back up the ridge, riding a single track trail and loping much of the way. My mare Destiny loves to run! She takes off for one final push to the top (She knew this was the final rise!).

We come thundering into the clearing at the top, and there maybe 50 feet in front of us, is a gorgeous mountain lion – yes, a mountain lion! – slinking off into the brush at the edge of the clearing. Destiny is so full of joy and perhaps she senses the cat’s fear that she acts as if it were nothing. As we walk away, Echo looks behind us. He noticed!

An exciting end to a breath-taking, joyous ride!

Happy trails!

To your Joyous Family!
Connie

~ LAST CALL! Do You Have a Copy of my Book?

If you do, you are invited to attend in my F.REE Q & A Teleclass happening next Monday, September 17.

It doesn’t matter when or how you got it – a gift, part of a program you took with me in the past, a purchase two years ago. As long as you have a copy of my book, you are invited.

You must register to participate. Register by going here.

~ New article: This is NOT Cute!

I saw this photo shared on Facebook with comments like “This is cute. Good reminder”, and within seconds, I am furious! This approach to helping children be more conscious, kind people is so limiting to them and to us, and I’m sure the people who put this together care deeply about children.

Yet we must ask deeper questions and be aware of the long-term effects of our approaches to raising and educating our children.

The kind of message taught on this poster tries to teach intellectual ideals – someone’s should’s – to the child, which lessens her natural consciousness and awareness as she tries to be what we want her to be. It puts children in their head and not their heart, their best source of wise inner guidance.

Sadly, this is one more example of adults misunderstanding how to bring out the best in children. It’s an approach we have known since we were raised as children, and we think, “How wonderful! Now children will know the ‘right’ way to behave!”

It never works the way we want. It is one more piece of information trying to make children be the way WE think they should be and that, in reality, takes them away from their natural inner knowing and desire to connect lovingly with others. It becomes one more ‘should’ for our children, and we all know how wonderful ‘should’s’ are.

If we want children to be kind and gracious toward others in their interactions, then we must closely examine our actions toward them and treat them with kindness and graciousness. It’s an every day moment-to-moment way of being, not a moment of teaching.

When we relate with them with a desire to control and to get them to be who WE want them to be, we are not being kind, gracious and considerate of them.

Then children lose their natural kindness and graciousness toward others. They begin to listen to us, to model us, and to act based on their thoughts and not their heart. They lose their spontaneity, their authenticity, their joy.

Children are not cute little playthings we can mold into our desires. Each young person is an amazing being with his / her own talents, desires, and dreams. If we want young people to be their best, we must create an emotionally healthy environment that empowers them from the inside out and not continue trying to get them to conform to our standards and ideals.

Here’s to freedom, joy, love and full self-expression for us all! When we give this to our children, we give it to ourselves!

I hope you and your family are doing wonderfully! I just returned from a delightful few moments with my son Orion and my two wonderful grandchildren Sebastian and Madison. Madi had a low fever this morning so she couldn’t come over to play with me as is our usual Thursday morning activity.

So I went over and spent relaxing time with them, admiring Madi’s new room, trying to get the zippers to work in Bas’s backpack, listening to the music Orion is creating on his iPad with GarageBand software.

And, of course, lots of hugging, kissing and “I love you’s” going around.

These are cherished moments for me and saying “Good by” always feels sad. As if I am disconnecting from a precious part of myself. I miss them the moment I drive away.

What are your treasured moments with your family?

Please share them below.

Happy trails!

To your Joyous Family!
Connie