I kill myself or not, when I’m 80 years old? We spend all of our lives working hard, and it all leads to a glorious retirement spent swallowing pills and having medical procedures performed in order to squeeze out every minute we have left. I’m a cigarette smoker, and have heard many other smokers say they don’t want to live to be 80 in regard to the years cigarettes shave off of life. That may not be such a bad idea, because as humans we weren’t really meant to live as long as the current life expectancy, with much thanks to modern medicine and technology. Humans were made and meant to mature to adulthood, breed and produce offspring, teach those offspring survival skills, and pass away between 25-35 years old. This is the basic function of life that many other animals display, without the support of modern medicine to interfere with the cycle of life. So what is wrong with living to a ripe old age? My problem is the quality of life our Senior Citizens experience, especially when subjected to assisted living facilities and nursing homes.

There is shit caked all over my balls and asshole, and I’m just going to lay on the floor and piss myself, followed-up by staring at the wall for 2 hours. No, this isn’t me high on crack cocaine, but a common situation for an elderly person within an assisted living facility or nursing home. These places are waiting rooms for death, often severely understaffed, and lacking common human compassion. The staff is stretched so thin, that often Nursing Assistants have to rush to give every patient a quick wipe down and move to the next resident. Sometimes members of the staff are people that you wouldn’t let around your own children, let alone your elderly parent.

I was visiting a family member in a nursing home, and I noticed a lot of the residents were parked in the hallway. Most of them didn’t know where they were, staring off into space or at the wall. I asked one of the employees why everyone hangs out in the hallway, and she responded, “That way we can tell when they mess themselves quicker”. My response was, “So do you park my Nana in the hallway to smell her shit? Would it make your life easier if I try to teach her how to throw her fucking shit at you?” She understood my point, turned around in a huff and disappeared! I found it rude and offensive, as if my grandmother was a Panda Bear at the Zoo, and the employee’s job was to clean the cage. Our treasured elderly deserve to be treated with more respect and compassion than they are shown.

On the topic of assisted living and nursing home employees, I performed further investigation through friends and contacts within the industry. I’ve heard stories of multiple employees with criminal backgrounds slipping through human resources, as well as employees not being tested for drugs or being fired for drug use. The employees taking care of residents usually make between $10-15/hr, and often only have a high school degree if that. The certification to become a Certified Nursing Assistant (CNA) costs only $600-$1000, and includes 1-2 weeks of classes instructing how to wipe an ass, followed by an exam. Basically, these employees who are watching over your Nana, Nonny, MaMa, MomMom, Grandma, or Grandmother are a step above a cashier at your local supermarket. There is high turnover within this role due to the nature of work and reliability issues, management is often forced to hire quickly and without reservation. Ultimately, this is what your $5,000/month, $6,000/month, $8,000/month, $10,000/month, or $15,000/month gets you.

This is just a preview of what life can be like starting around the age of 70, and granted many elderly live independently into their 80′s and even 90′s. If you’re elderly and living at home, this doesn’t mean life is a breeze. Besides the benefit of Senior Citizen discounts at the local diner, life is a slew of doctor appointments, blood tests, pills, and medical procedures. Modern medicine is a great thing, but even great things have negative attributes. My heart goes out to those who are forgotten, waiting for death in a care facility. Life is short and retirement is a new job of trying to stay alive.

Work at the office was highly stressful on Friday, with numerous meetings during the morning in which most of the parties involved were not happy. I spent most of the morning justifying a sensitive position to upper management, and strategically expressing my discontent for decisions that were made for me. After lunch, I was walking in from having a cigarette and felt dizzy in the hallway. Thinking it was only a rare buzz from the nicotine, I returned to my desk which is located in an open environment surrounded by other employees. As I sat down, I feel that familiar out-of-body sensation and difficulty breathing.

I’m fairly experienced with a panic attack in the workplace, previously having several during office meetings. Being a hypochondriac as well, one of the first things I do during an attack is put my two fingers to my neck and feel my pulse.

The thought of getting up and leaving the office did cross my mind, but a panic attack during work isn’t always that easy. The fear of standing up and taking a couple of steps only to pass out isn’t the most thrilling idea. I hide the fact that I suffer from bipolar disorder and panic attacks from my co-workers, from fear of being viewed as sickly or crazy. It sounds stupid, but a person’s perception towards a top-performing employee can change when outside health factors are taken into account. Office politics themselves can be vicious and cut-throat, and ammunition towards me can greatly impact my method of making a living. It terrifies me to have the curse I live with daily exposed, especially since it has no impact on my actual work.

During a panic attack, I mentally go to my own “safe” place in my mind that calms and soothes me. This is really the only way I find relief, especially mentally battling the sensation that you are dying. After about 10 minutes, the attack had faded and I felt great. The calm after a panic attack is comparable to running 3 miles in the park, and experiencing the adrenaline and runner’s high. The entire experience is terrifying, especially within an environment that makes me feel so vulnerable, but the knowledge that the panic attack is over and undetected gives the greatest relief. I wrapped up the rest of the work day, and left early thinking “TGIF” as I reached my car in the parking lot.

I lose interest in things quickly, sue me.  2 year gap?  I’m back.

My gameplan is to post more often, and write a bit different.  The site is too gloomy with all the depressing, “oh why me I’m bipolar”.  I’ll still write about my condition that may help out others.  My main focus is to just write about what I want to.  My perception is always skewed, sometimes in a good way and sometimes bad… maybe it’ll be entertaining for some.  Read if your entertained by it, otherwise just don’t visit.

I’m thinking about performing an update to the site structure, and perhaps adding some new/different content and features.  If anyone has a suggestion, comment the post and let me know.  Search Engine Optimization (SEO) is something I could use some help with.  One idea is fully integrating my Twitter page (@jscreeb, please follow) with the content on the site.

Look for more, spread the word.

Love,
Jason Screeb

Thank you to everyone who has sent me messages asking if I was alright, since it has been a while since the last post. To that guy who thought I killed myself, not a chance. The reason for the leave of absence was a severe low, or rather a depressed mental state. I had no motivation to write or blog about anything, and I became even more of a recluse. Many people have told me to have a successful blog, you have to blog every day or even a couple times a day. I really don’t care, and I’m not looking for a successful blog. The reason I write is to get thoughts out of my head and onto paper, as part of my own self-therapy. To those people who write me with their bipolar horror stories, my heart goes out to you. I am far from an expert and don’t always know how I can help, but I will try to answer when I can. For the most part, I am a somewhat unstable person trying to make it through the world myself. The good news is more posts are coming, for I’m out of the depression. It might only be a couple a week, but if you’re a fan of the site, I doubt you’ll mind.

So what have I missed in the last month? How about this Obama guy? I haven’t cared about politics before or even registered to vote. Maybe it is because our Country is so screwed up, but for some reason this election has captured my attention with the democratic race, and now I’m investigating John McCain. My feeling was that Hillary was a wrong choice, and I think it’s a good thing Obama won. I am not for McCain or Obama at this point, for I need to investigate further. The one thing that does interest me is how Obama is utilizing the media to the fullest for this election. The internet campaigning and utilization of YouTube is quite ingenious. I don’t believe the internet has been used to it’s full potential in an election to this point. Now that the power is unleashed, we will see every candidate doing the same thing. McCain will even step up and start using it more. This is a good thing, and it will help to get the facts and viewpoints of the candidates out to the citizens.

What does the future hold? I would love to see the ability to vote over the internet. I’ll probably register to vote this year and do it, but wouldn’t it be great if we could jump on the computer and plug in our social security number on a government site? Look at American Idol, and how 90 million people vote for singers using text messaging. I feel the impact would be great, if voting utilized phones, text messages, and the internet. There is the downside, where the voting can be more about voting for a candidate without knowing the facts. In the end, the benefits will greatly outweigh the downside. Lets continue to watch the election and make the right choice, and hopefully our new president can fix all of the mistakes that Frat boy Bush made!

Everywhere I go, I experience terrible drivers on the streets of Philadelphia. When a red light changes, it is expected that three cars run it. I’m complaining about people who are so stupid, they shouldn’t be allowed their driver’s license. I have two great examples which happened in the past day, from my jaunts around town.

I was driving behind this crazy Puerto Rican bitch who was swerving so badly that I thought she was drunk. It was a single lane, so I stayed back since it was apparent she was going to hit a sign or a car. It was rush hour traffic on the way home, and all I could see in the back seat were the heads of two kids with afro puffs. Finally, the single lane switched to double lanes and I

My adventure got better as I approached home. I was at a four way stop sign and it was busy with traffic. At the stop sign in front of me were two vehicles side by side, and apparently the driver’s are friends. They had their windows down, and were chatting away. Traffic to my right and left kept moving through the intersection, for there wasn’t an obstacle in their way. I honked my horn at the morons, and the response almost made me get out of my car and open a can of road rage. One of the vehicles was a truck, that had a volunteer firefighter light on the roof. You know, one of those lights cops have, but on a junior level. The asshole put on his firefighter light, and continued to sit there chatting. By now, horns are blaring from 5 or 6 cars behind me. After three minutes, they wrapped up the conversation and were on their way.

I understand that people don’t really care about others anymore. Aren’t these great examples of idiots who are endangering people and creating hazards on the roads? This all happened in one day, and happens all the time on the roads in Philadelphia. The moral of the story is to please be respectful of your fellow drivers, and the safety of your own children in your car. Not just for safety reasons, but for the fact that one of these days I am going to snap and just ram my car into your car!