“Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.”
~ Thomas Jefferson

One of the questions I’m regularly asked by clients is, “Do I need/have to tell my child everything?!”

My response is always the same, “Yes, in age-appropriate language and prior to adolescence.”

Telling the truths, even the difficult ones, is part of being open with your child. Telling the truths offers opportunities to examine and discuss, without judgment, what happened and sheds light on the “why,” assuaging the power of secrets.

You are entrusted with your child and get to “share” in in their story, however all of the known details of your child’s story belong to them. It is not your “right” to alter their story or hold back any truths from your child. It is not your place to avoid the truths simply because they make you uncomfortable or you believe you are protecting your child. These details are part of you child’s story, part of her reality, and important for identity formation.

The difficult truths include subjects like abandonment, mental illness, illegal activity, and abuse (mental, physical, substance, sexual, neglect).

Do not lie, however omissions may be called for IF developmentally appropriate. If this is the case parents still need to ensure that their child has all of the details to her story prior to adolescence when more complex processing about adoption is taking place, identity formation is “key,” and she may have begun to try to tune her parents out and focus on peer relationships.

Allow your child to be angry at her birth parent(s) without hopping on the bandwagon. She has is entitled to feel the emotions she feels. You, however, are not. What you can do is acknowledge how she feels, and why.

Kids have amazing perceptions. They are very effective at uncovering the truth. Wouldn’t it be awful if she discovered that you’d broken her trust? And once this has happened it’s very difficult to build trust again.

For Discussion: How have you felt about sharing some of the difficult truths with your child? Why? What has helped you be truthful?

I’ve just “landed” from what I consider to be quite the whirlwind of activity—two national conferences (presenting at the American Adoption Congress), two local TV segments, and co-producing and directing the local debut of Listen To Your Mother (it was a smash success!).

This Mother’s Day I am in an interesting “place.”

Motherhood has been the dominant intense thread for me since January, throughout all of the preparation and concerted effort focused on the conferences and the show, and even more so over the past two months. True, motherhood is always on my mind since I am a mom, however the recent events over the past months have certainly caused me to reexamine how we parent our children and, more specifically how we mother and our ability to be open.

I approached the American Adoption Congress (AAC) conference asking myself, “How can I continue to be an active part of the solution, truth, openness, and healing?” I left with new ideas, broader and deeper awareness, and an even greater respect and appreciation for the complexity that is adoption.

I observed so many adopted persons in distress at the AAC conference. Many of the stories I heard about secrecy and the emotions I witnessed made me ache. I felt for those who were so bravely sharing their stories and reaching out. I hope they find themselves on the road to healing. The AAC certainly offered plenty of opportunity and support to begin the journey.

I also heard stories of appreciation, joy and hope. It was wonderful to hear such a range of emotions being expressed, and I credit the AAC for creating and nurturing a “safe spot” to do so.

During the process of co-producing and directing Listen To Your Mother I was struck more than a few times by how some of the stories I heard caused me to me reflect on what I saw and heard at the AAC conference. Openness…

There is an abundance of stories—wounds and experiences—in the world, but facing, talking about, and perhaps writing them down and then sharing with people who will listen and and provide validation is empowering and a huge step towards healing.

And yes, there is also great joy, laughter and other emotions. Their places are right there, alongside the pain. Openness…

Happy Mother’s Day to you!

For Discussion: Where are you with openness? Do you have fears? Do you feel protective? Are you uncomfortable discussing the difficult truths? How are all mothers honored?

~ Photo by Mike Washington Photography

I am, with my friend and colleague Michelle, producing and directing Listen to Your Mother in Indianapolis. Recently, during our first rehearsal, I was struck over and over again by how the common threads of humanity—joy, surprise, feelings of being overwhelmed, gratitude, fear, longing, loss, and love—intertwined in a room that was, at first, mostly strangers.

Connection was quickly established within the first minutes of sharing stories. There was a willingness to be vulnerable, and it increased as more words were heard. It was wonderful to watch the women around the table, lean in to soak up the words of each other. To not judge, only listen. To offer support and strength. Come together. It was a safe place.

This week I travel to Cleveland to attend the American Adoption Congress (AAC) International Conference on Adoption. I expect to connect with and learn from others who travel the complex journey of adoption. There are so many common threads, and I hope that those attending will lean in, listen to and consider others’ perspectives.

I will be presenting on “The Healing Power of Writing Our Truths” with birth mother Denise Roessle and adult adoptee Linda Hoye. We’ll be examining the power of the written word—stories and narratives. Fear, grief, anger and other emotions related to our adoption experiences often keep us from expressing ourselves. Writing our stories can put us on a path of healing.

If you’re attending the AAC I hope you’ll be at our presentation. We will be offering many ideas and prompts to encourage introspection and healing.

This is the second year I’ve participated in an adoption memoir blog tour, orchestrated by my friend and colleague Lori Holden. As part of the tour participants have been asked to reflect on different questions pertaining to Anne Bauer’s The Sound of Hope: A True Story of an Adoptee’s Quest for Her Origins.

When reading The Sound of Hope I was again struck by how the lack of openness in adoption further impacts the adoptee (I’ll use the term adoptee here if I may, since that is what Anne refers to in her subtitle). I’ve read a number of adoptee memoirs and they share common threads mired in feelings tied to core issues—loss, rejection, grief, guilt and shame, identity, intimacy, and control. The Sound of Hope is no different.

I’ve selected three questions and provided my answers below. But hey; let’s have a conversation. I welcome your viewpoint in the comment section. Let’s get started…

In her adoption memoir Anne Bauer speaks of her connection to her birth mother and father, “The bond between us couldn’t be completely severed as everyone, as everyone wanted it to be. Another part of me existed somewhere in the world, a part I was once attached to and depended on for life. To me, the umbilical cord served a function that was much more than physical. It was my essence, my origin, my connection to my biological ancestors. As far as I was concerned, the chord was still attached. Who were these people who were the cause of my existence? Did they wonder about me in the same way I often wondered about them?” What are your thoughts about this passage from your lens (adopted person, birth parent, adoptive parent)?

Of course, my lens for the purpose of this blog tour is that of an adoptive parent. I appreciated how Anne used the umbilical chord as a metaphor to express connection to her biological roots. I do feel what a person feels is affected by their temperament, life experiences and perspective. Some are more driven to know about their roots than others.

Anne writes of her adoptive family, “On the outside, we look very much alike. We have the same eye color, the same fair complexion – yes, the adoption agency did its job well.” What are your thoughts on how important appearances were at that time (the 1960s)? Have we made progress? In what ways? And what do you think contributed to the change?

I remember reading this passage and thinking “we’re getting there.”

This may sound harsh, however I feel looking the same was one way in which adopting parents could shelter their “secret,” perhaps stemming from shame of not being able to create a biological child, perhaps on not understanding how to parent a child who was adopted, avoid the discomfort of the truths.

I sense we’re making more progress in how families are created—trans- and multi-racial, gay parents, single parent, and in openness—open adoptions and access to original birth certificates. And I believe the pressure has largely come from those who have suffered silently for so long, adult adoptees.

The focus in the past was more on the parents whereas it should have been on the child and their emotional health, their future.

I work with hundreds of families annually and this is where we focus, on the child. And I encourage parents to be open and shine light on all of the truths—even the tough ones, weakening their hold.

Why do you think Anne’s father called her original mother her “bionic” mother instead of “birth” mother?

I felt it was his way of dealing with the situation, although I didn’t find it agreeable. When I reflect on the term bionic, I think of strength, perfection, superhuman. It seemed that although Anne’s dad thought he was being open, it only went so far, and he was unsuccessful in convincing Anne’s mom to be open and supportive. Anne’s father wasn’t able to fully acknowledge that Jo was Bauer’s biological mother. Jo was bionic because she conceived and gave birth, something Anne’s parents failed to do.

Be part of the conversation. Please feel free to share your thoughts on any or all of these questions in the comment section. Discussion typically yields perspective and growth. I look forward to it! And remember, to continue to the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at LavenderLuz.com.

Dr. Samuels’ review highlights what I hear a lot, that parents wish they’d had this guide as a tool before their child entered their tween years. Don’t have a copy of What To Expect From Your Adopted Tween? Order the guide here and have it in your inbox today.

What to Expect From Your Adopted Tween, Judy Miller’s “must read” publication is—even at first glance—destined to become an indispensable tool to adoptive parents as well as potential adoptive parents in managing this critical period in their adopted child’s life.

More than an e-book, What to Expect From Your Adopted Tween is simultaneously a reference source, workbook, psychology manual, and a very wise encouraging friend! It’s the exact resource any adoptive parent will find invaluable as their children enters their “tween” stage, but, moreover, successful management of tweens is critical to making a smooth transition into the teenage years.

Written in an approachable, articulate and logical style, there’s no doubt that Judy knows, first-hand, about the complex issues adoptive parents and their children will encounter. Judy’s own four children encompass both biological and adopted, home grown and international, and several are at this developmental stage themselves.

Blessed with keen insight combined with years of experience as a parent, instructor, writer, and adoption advocate, Judy Miller is a natural. Her exceptional book is destined to dominate a very prominent spot in the libraries of adoptive parent’s, educators, counselors, and social workers. Truly, I only wish What to Expect From Your Adopted Tween had been available when my own adopted son entered his tweens.

Marlene B. Samuels, Ph.D.
Sociologist, Adoptive Parent, Writer

Congratulations, Kim!

You were selected at random and won the copy of What To Expect From Your Adopted Tween. Check your inbox.

I work with clients all over the  world—providing education for and support to them as they create or grow their  families through adoption. In addition to being an internationally published adoption and parenting expert, I am the author of the internationally selling What To Expect From Your Adopted Tween, a regular guest on radio programs, and a sought after speaker for conferences and workshop facilitator. Work with me.

Parents: regardless of the age of your child, understanding the core issues inherent adoption—what they are, how they may manifest, and how you can use your understanding of them as a tool to help your child navigate life is important. Be prepared; get your copy of  What To Expect From Your Adopted Tween now.

~ Photo by Sam Body Photography

Love. Today is about all about love. Flowers, candy—especially chocolate (my fav!), and gifts are given as an expression of love, and friendship. Sometimes we give for other reasons as well.

This Valentine’s Day, I want to give one other gift, a gift of guidance—a copy of my internationally selling What To Expect From Your Adopted Tween. The hook of course is that you must participate. Are you game? The deadline for comments is midnight tomorrow, February 15^th. The winner will be drawn by random selection and announced on Monday, February 18th.

GIVEAWAY QUESTION: What are your thoughts abut the following quote from Adoption Healing, by Joe Zoll? Please share them below.

“Adoptees are handicapped in accomplishing virtually all the tasks of adolescence. Because they lack the basic knowledge of their biological roots, they have a harder time trying to form their own sense of identity.”

Additionally, I’ll give put your name in if you share the contest on Facebook or join my mailing list. In other words, you could increase your chances threefold. If you’d like another chance to win, visit Christina Katz’s site where she is also giving away a copy of What To Expect From Your Adopted Tween. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Empathy—the capacity to understand or express understanding of the emotions of another, the ability to connect and emotionally support another person.

Empathy is the “social glue” of relationships and encompasses three levels:

• Cognitive, which allows us to be able to “see” the situation, issue, concern, topic, from someone else’s point of view, to be in their shoes so-to-speak, understand better from where the perspective originates.
• Personal Distress, when we literally become flushed with the same emotion the person is feeling.
• Empathetic Concern, where we recognize the emotional state and tune into it, feeling and showing appropriate concern.

For parents, empathy means understanding, as best we can, the confusion, hurts and needs of the child. Understanding where these dwell, and why. Helping the child understand the origin and meaning of her thoughts, emotions and behavior, in age-appropriate language and without judgment. The steps in empathy are:

• Being open. Can you park your perspective long enough to consider other opinions, viewpoints, ideas, and arguments?
• Being present. What I mean is not just occupying the space you’re in, but being in the moment, here and now. When you are present your mind is clear and focused.
• Assessing your nonverbal cues. Are you leaning in or leaning out? What’s your posture? Are your arms crossed? Are you facing your child? What does your face say? Emotions are visible around the eyes and in the
• Engaging with your child. Have you established eye contact? Are you touching your child? Are you LISTENING?
• Limiting your interruptions… Can you?
• Being reciprocal and expressive. Can you respond to your child with a relevant in about yourself that relates to what they are sharing or feeling? Kiddos respond well to stories they can relate to.

Empathy is a tool that allows access to being aware of and responsive to our children and their needs. Insight is unveiled and parents can begin the process of emotional support and validation of “I understand how you feel.”

For Discussion: How else have you been able to use the tool of empathy effectively with your child? What have you discovered when you use empathy with your child?

~ Photo by Jonny Hirons

If you’ve worked with me in any capacity then you’ve heard and are familiar with, “It’s not about you.” This statement represents one of my core beliefs. Parenting is not about you; it is about your child. In becoming parents or growing your family through adoption I encourage you to consider your child’s needs—those that stem from having been adopted. These needs may evolve as your child ages, and the tools you will use will need to be flexible and “fit.”

Due to what they have experienced in their young lives (trauma and loss being key) children who have been adopted typically require more of parents—greater patience and deeper understanding how the effects of  loss and related core issues and trauma can impact psychosocial development. For example, when your child asks questions about her past and probes for more you shouldn’t feel alarmed or threatened. Your child does this is to understand more about who she is, about her past. This curiosity is normal and not an indicator that your child seeks to distance herself from you, or loves her birth parents more. In other words, what your child feels and needs to explore are the emotions and curiosity related to her birth identity. This should be expected, acknowledged and supported by you.

“It’s not about you,” also conveys that the process to adopt is focused on the child. Parents who are adopting go though much more than parents giving birth—background checks, fingerprinting, home study, adoption preparation education, etc. The timeline for the child’s arrival is flexible, often longer than a pregnancy, and dependent on many variables of the processes, often happening concurrently. Parents may find themselves feeling out of control, overwhelmed, frustrated, full of joy and anticipation, and anxious. This waiting period is a wonderful time to for parents to educate themselves about the vulnerability of children.

“It’s not about you,” is a reminder that your child arrives into your family with difficult truths, of which she is entitled to know as they are part of her story. You are entrusted with her story. The emotions and behaviors you witness and she shares are not about you, or you and her. They are about what she feels, how she processes the truths via her lens of conscious or unconscious experiences. Your child will need you to help her find the words to label, understand and express those emotions. She will need you to be present, to actively listen and support her. She will need you to be her safe place when what she’s grappling with what scares her, angers her, makes her feel deeply saddened, or causes her to feel out of control. You see… it is all about her.

Discussion:  What tools do you rely on to help your child process his or her emotions?

Much of my work with clients focuses on preparing them for and building on successful attachment with their children. Children who have been adopted often come from “hard places.” Parental expectations can be too high, and parents can find themselves overwhelmed with feelings of frustration and anger when their kids are acting out from fear, tiredness, overstimulation, or just plain acting out.

Parenting adopted children requires extra tools. Detachment Parenting: 33 Ways to Keep Your Cool When Kids Melt Down is a wonderful, “makes sense,” and easy-to-remember-and-put-into-action resource for parents. Author Heidi Smith Luedtke, Ph.D., is a personality psychologist who concentrates on helping others understand themselves better and build people- and parenting-skills that make life more fun and more fulfilling. She is known as the “psychologist next door,” and I’ve found her to be just that—accessible, encouraging and supportive.

This week, just in time for the crazy over-taxing holiday season, Heidi is running her “Festive, Not Frazzled” giveaway. Each day, one person will win a copy of Detachment Parenting  in their format of choice. Read on and see why you might want to enter Heidi’s contest. If you don’t win, a copy of Detachment Parenting: 33 Ways to Keep Your Cool When Kids Melt Down can be purchased here. My interview with Heidi begins below.

Heidi, in adoption there is a lot of focus on attachment. Adopting parents or parents who have adopted may think detachment parenting is the opposite of attachment parenting. Can you explain the philosophy behind detachment parenting, and how using it may actually enhance attachment between parent and child?

My detachment parenting philosophy rests on the assumption that parents must be able to handle the emotional demands of their role in a healthy way in order to offer consistent, loving care to their kids. Parents who practice detachment parenting are less likely to get caught off-guard by the “Fight or Flight” response that makes us want to hide in the master bedroom closet or snap in frustration when kids’ emotions are overwhelming. They can build stronger, more resilient bonds with their kids because they know how to manage their own moods and coach kids through difficult feelings. The result is a more stable, uplifting experience for everyone.

Detachment Parenting: 33 Ways to Keep Your Cool When Kids Melt Down provides wonderful strategies for being a “level-headed” parent when a child is melting down. What is the best way for parents to successfully incorporate these strategies in every day life?

Like any behavior-change effort, I’d recommend parents take small steps to incorporate detachment parenting principles. As I often say, “You can do it all, but not all at the same time!”

Find one or two strategies in the e-book that speak to you, particularly strategies from section 1, “In the Heat of the Moment.” Commit to using your go-to strategies whenever feelings flare. For instance, a parent might decide to use the slow and focused breathing technique I describe each time she feels the body’s stress response start to kick in. Over time, this calming response will become more natural and habitual.

I’d also recommend putting some techniques from section 4, “Household Mood Maintenance,” into play right away. The “3-Good-Things” game is a great way to end the day on a positive note with your kids. Make these strategies part of your family routine so you start (and end) each day feeling good.

Do you recommend parents change-up the strategy or just use one they become comfortable with? (I’ve used “Mom’s Time Out” periodically in the past.)

If “Mom’s Time Out” works for you, there’s no reason you have to start using the “Count to 100” technique to manage your own moods. But you may decide you want to try it out as a model for your kids. What works for a parent may not be the best fit for their child. For instance your child may be very sensitive to feelings of isolation/rejection and “time out” may trigger some of those feelings. For that child, a strategy that doesn’t require solitude (like Count to 100 or focused breathing) might be a better fit. It would be awesome if the parent could teach those mood management skills by modeling.

Heidi, one strategy you cover in Detachment Parenting, and one of my “go-tos” is “Clarifying Ownership.” Can you briefly explain for parents and parents-to-be what this detachment technique so that they can easily understand its effectiveness?

“Clarifying Ownership” means tuning in to whose feelings you’re feeling. As a mom, my own emotions begin to swirl when my child is hurt, physically or emotionally. In some cases, I may be so upset that I begin responding to my own emotions, rather than my child’s. (In fact I may overreact to something he isn’t all that concerned about!) When that happens, I can’t help my child cope with his feelings.

It’s important for parents to separate their child’s feelings from their own. When we clarify ownership, we’re able to take a consulting role and coach kids through the process of solving their own problems.

Many children who have been adopted deal with core issues inherent in adoption. These issues can be feelings of loss, grief, rejection, intimacy, guilt and shame, identity, and control. The depth of what a child, tween or teen feels can vary significantly, as can the internalizing and externalizing behaviors. What strategies would you recommend a parent using with their child when he or she is triggered?

Every child is different, and I believe parents need to meet each child where she is, in a way that makes her feel whole, accepted and loved. So I offer my “generic” recommendation here and encourage parents to tweak it to meet their child’s needs.

• “Be Present.” Don’t try to escape from your child’s bad feelings even when they are overwhelming or your child does things that are hurtful to you (feeling rejected often leads to pushing other people away, for instance). Just sit with your child and absorb his bad feelings like a giant emotional sponge.
• “Talk Less.” You can’t explain your child’s feelings away or talk her out of her own interpretation. Especially not in the heat of the moment. When things simmer down, go to step three.
•  “Ask Questions.” Gently. Prompt your child to share his feelings with you. Be a good listener. Maintain an open posture and nod/murmur agreement to show you are accepting what your child says. Let him get the whole story out before moving on. If your child doesn’t want to talk, accept that. You can’t make a child do what they don’t want to do. Each of us has to feel our way through things at our own pace. “Label Feelings.” Give your child a rich vocabulary for describing her experience. Use words like scared, angry, hurt, left out, and ashamed in the proper context. Labeling emotions allows kids to step back from their feelings and regain a sense of centeredness and personal control. 
• Offer Ongoing Support. Let your child tell you what they would like to do next. Maybe they want to be left alone. Maybe they want to talk to another adult. Maybe they’d like to write in a journal, draw pictures or play football with friends. Support your child as they find their own path to inner peace.

Detachment Parenting reveals simple ways to change course in the heat of the moment—when you’re about to lose your cool—and teaches you how to guide emotional discussions so kids feel valued and validated. Sound like something you should add to your parenting toolbox? Copies are available here.

Somewhere Between: What a perfect title for a movie that explores the intersection of identity formation, adoption, race, and family. The documentary touches on other core issues—grief, rejection and loss—as well.

Ella Taylor, of NPR, says, “Somewhere Between is refreshingly free of the cloying, one-size-fits-all dogma that sometimes bedevils the adoption community.” Intimate and poignant, the film follows four wise-beyond-their-years teens (13-15 years of age, the same ages as my daughters)—Haley, Jenna, Fang “Jenni”, and Ann—all born in China, and adopted by white parents.

These active girls, who live throughout the U.S., unflinchingly share how they deal with and feel about sensitive personal and cultural issues arising out of their adoptions and race.  They are exceptionally articulate and candid, and their openness resonates with audiences. As Los Angeles Times movie critic, Kenneth Turan states, “You’d have to be a stone not to be moved.”

Director Linda Goldstein Knowlton shares, “By necessity, we must all try to comprehend the experience of being “other” in America, to see how each individual finds his or her own way in society…Through the voices of these four young women in the film, we begin to understand what they face, and understand more deeply our own complex relationships and culture.”

The audience is invited in to witness the complexity of what adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents often navigate. We watch buried emotions surface when the term abandonment is brought up and observe the complexities of a reunion in China that traverses secrecy, forgiveness, love, and loss.

Identity is an issue for many of those who have been adopted. Somewhere Between examines the issue and doesn’t provide any pat answers, but invites more questions and introspection about how you will support your children when they explore:

• “Where do I fit?
• “How do I fit?
• “How do I straddle the chasm of ambiguity?”

Discussion: Still not convinced that your child might deal with core issues? Watch Somewhere Between, and share your insights here. Have tissues handy…

On a personal note, my son arrived home safely from college last night. Hours earlier than he said he’d be (loves to surprise us), and was immediately enveloped in hugs by his siblings and us.

The friend who drove him home was plastered against the wall as we all swarmed him. I thanked and hugged her, wishing her and her family a wonderful Thanksgiving.

We made it to the family room and heaped onto the couches, happy to be together. All talking over one another other, but somehow managing to listen at the same time. Lots of sharing, laughter, smiles, cuddling, and settling in.

I awake this morning, rested from sleeping in hours beyond when I usually rise. All of my kids are on break. The house feels full and content and I listen to the kids as they wake. They sound happy; there is music in their voices as they wish me a good morning and speak to one another. I see the light in their eyes and the easy hugs.

They make plans among themselves for the day. Of course, I’m included in these if I wish, but I’m content to listen to them embrace each other, thankful that they love being together and make the most of it. Family is everything, and for that I am grateful. Happy Thanksgiving!

~ Photo by rustiqueart