In more free news, we’re really excited to be the digital home for Wayfarer’s new full-length, Our Fathers. It’s great. Go get it. And like some kind of visionary collaboration between Kanye, Lil Wayne, Drake, and Eminem, the Juicebox Manor House Band, Junior Battles, just released their latest 7″ on pretty coloured vinyl through Square Up Records, and as a PWYC digital download through If You Make It, the more-Brooklyn incarnation of the kind of spirit we try to foster with this weird little creative hub. Up the punx, everyone, everywhere.

(Pictured: Webmaster losing his mind trying to not fail at delivering maximum rock to you on schedule.)

In other news that doesn’t make my high school brain fold in on itself, we’ve got some big plans for this summer. Like most seasons. This time, watch out for a Repo Man tribute night. Yeah. Details and Emilio worship to follow.

I can’t believe that all it took was South Park calling Kanye West a gay fish to float that space cadet’s enormous head back to earth. I haven’t seen the whole of last night’s episode yet (mostly because I’m busy half-watching Event Horizon), but Idolator describes it as such:

Because of his giant ego and self-proclaimed genius, Kanye is the only person who doesn’t get [a dirty joke], and this leads him on a quest for self-discovery in which he knocks the joke-stealer Carlos Mencia’s head off with a baseball bat, holds Cartman and Jimmy hostage, and ultimately accepts that he is a gay fish, engaging in underwater Autotuned bestiality.

SOLD. Now for the bananas part. From Kanye’s blog (still in all caps, but this time not a rant!):

SOUTH PARK MURDERED ME LAST NIGHT AND IT’S PRETTY FUNNY. IT HURTS MY FEELINGS BUT WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT FROM SOUTH PARK! I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN WORKING ON MY EGO THOUGH. HAVING THE CRAZY EGO IS PLAYED OUT AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE AND CAREER. I USE TO USE IT TO BUILD UP MY ESTEEM WHEN NOBODY BELIEVED IN ME. NOW THAT PEOPLE DO BELIEVE AND SUPPORT MY MUSIC AND PRODUCTS THE BEST RESPONSE IS THANK YOU INSTEAD OF “I TOLD YOU SO!!!” IT’S COOL TO TALK SHIT WHEN YOU’RE RAPPING BUT NOT IN REAL LIFE. WHEN YOU MEET LITTLE WAYNE IN PERSON HE’S THE NICEST GUY FOR EXAMPLE. I JUST WANNA BE A DOPER PERSON WHICH STARTS WITH ME NOT ALWAYS TELLING PEOPLE HOW DOPE I THINK I AM. I NEED TO JUST GET PAST MYSELF. DROP THE BRAVADO AND JUST MAKE DOPE PRODUCT. EVERYTHING IS NOT THAT SERIOUS. AS LONG AS PEOPLE THINK I ACT LIKE A BITCH THIS TYPE OF SHIT WILL HAPPEN TO ME. I GOT A LONG ROAD AHEAD OF ME TO MAKE PEOPLE BELIEVE I’M NOT ACTUALLY A HUGE DOUCHE BUT I’M UP FOR THE CHALLENGE. I’M SURE THE WRITERS AT SOUTH PARK ARE REALLY NICE PEOPLE IN REAL LIFE. THANKS FOR TAKING THE TIME TO DRAW MY CREW. THAT WAS PRETTY FUNNY ALSO!! I’M SURE THERE’S GRAMMATICAL ERRORS IN THIS… THAT’S HOW YOU KNOW IT’S ME!

This from the same guy who thinks (amongst a billion other things) that if the Bible was modernized, he would be a principle character. And now he’s completely reformed. What self-important dinkus am I supposed to look up to now? Billy Bob Thornton? Regardless: South Park, ladies and gentlemen.

Pink dolphin appears in US lake

Capt Rue originally saw the dolphin, which also has reddish eyes, swimming with a pod of four other dolphins, with one appearing to be its mother which never left its side . . . He said: “It was absolutely stunningly pink. I had never seen anything like it. It’s the same color throughout the whole body and it looks like it just came out of a paint booth.”

Fish with human faces spotted in South Korea

The fish live in a pond behind the home of a 64-year old South Korean man and have been there since 1986 although their looks are only just starting to attract attention.

“My fish have been getting more and more human for the past couple of years,” the owner said.

Don’t even get me started on what elephants have been up to.

The Recession. It blows. For me. For you. For your mom. For your dog. For the car you wanted to drive. For the house with the picket fence your wife wanted. And for the chinchilla I wanted to adopt.

You know what it doesn’t suck for? Dying while you’re swimming in the ocean. Some major shark attack association reports a significant drop in shark attacks on humans in 2008 from 2007. Apparently there were 78 attacks this past year, as opposed to 91 the year before that. Don’t worry though, the same amount of people died due to the attacks (4).

Basically this association is claiming that because of the lagging economy fewer people are out vacationing, and hence, sharks are not privy to as much of our tasty flesh. Fewer people are traveling to exotic destinations and beaches where sharks roam because they are spending wisely and some are not traveling at all.

You know what I think? I think that sharks are just doing their part. I think sharks, even though we paint them as the devil incarnate, are actually very sympathetic toward humans and simply attack us because they fear humans getting so comfortable under the sea that we start living there. They’ve watched us make films like The Little Mermaid and assume they represent our ambitions.

But sharks fucking care man. They see how unstable and stressed people are. They know how hard it is to get away for an all-inclusive in these hard times. So they are lying back a bit, letting us chill out and live a little longer. They are eating some krill instead of legs (also as a big fuck you to the whales who also eat this krill). They are trying to show us that they have feelings too, and that they know how to make tough ethical decisions. So I’m gonna be the first one to appreciate them. Hopefully you all follow suit.

Sharks of the world, if you are reading, thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

Well there you have it. I’m now talking to animals via the internet. This is a JUICEBOXdotcom first. And if sometime in 2010 or 2011 you find yourself swimming in cash, riding your new Jag to work, reading articles about my cute new chinchilla, and taking a vacation down to Cabo San Lucas, remember this one thing: don’t go into the water. Because the sharks will manglefuck the shit out of you.

This week In Being Paid 27.5 Million A Year
Even if you don’t follow Baseball, you’ve definitely heard the names “Barry Bonds” and “Rogers Clemens” in the same sentence as the word “Steroids” and “Fat Cunner.” Basically, two of the best baseball careers ever have been tainted by cheating allegations (allegations that are likely realities).

Well this week Alex Rodriguez, the player that was on his way to being the best ever and the “savior” of the MLB, admitted to using steroids from 2001-2003. Well that’s it folks. Baseball is forever tainted. The American pastime is now a farce. Last April I wrote Six Reasons To Go See the Blue Jays This Summer, this year I will write 6 Reasons Not To Fucking Care. Instead I will write about the wicked drunk movie nights I’ve been having (see last week’s article).

This week In Saving Your Job
Rogers cut 1,000 jobs. Do you think Ted woulda let that happen? No fucking way. Also, the Blue Jays haven’t made a single fucking move this off-season, prompting me to rip JP Ricciardi (the man in charge of absence of off-season moves) a new fucking asshole using the Internet. *RRRRRRIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP* Make me care for fuck’s sake!

Other Insane Shit
The NBA All Star game was on last night. I didn’t watch it. But guess what! (what) The Toronto Raptors are awful. In fact, every time in the NBA is awful except for four of them. The Raps made a long anticipated move last week, trading Shawn Marion for Jermaine O’Neal (baby dolphin) and Jamario Moon (from Meridian Community College). If you don’t know what that means, it’s ok. I don’t either. Check back with me in October about basketball.

While I sat and waited for the movie to start the guys puffed themselves up and let everyone in the theatre know how everything around them was somehow gay. It was obvious why — they had to show the girls that they were men; only half of them would be able to take a girl home and make her cry in a forceful attempt to see a boob. And in the morning the girl gets a Nightmare Before Christmas keychain for her trouble, then it’s off to hockey practice.

The lights dimmed, and the trailers began. Even though I had my suspicions, I wasn’t absolutely convinced that Zach Efron’s new movie, 17 Again, was gay. But then the kids reassured all of us that it was — so thanks guys. As the movie began, we were treated to a credit sequence in which a disturbing set of metal fingers ritualistically gutted and skinned a rag doll. While this was going on I wondered what kind of trouble I would get into if I bought one of those high-pressured rubber pellet guns and started shooting those kids. Nothing hard. Nothing too violent. Just like a little nudge of, “Hey, shut up. Or I’ll fuck you until you like it. Then who’s gay? Huh?” Probably me at that point. But still, lessons learned are hard taught.

And as all of this was running around in my head I realized that there was no more chest-beating coming from the audience. Everyone was quiet and watching the disturbing ballet of imagery on screen. It was at that point everyone realized this might not be as playful of a kids movie as they had thought. And that played out until the end credits rolled. It is, without a doubt, a kids movie; but it does dance the line of morbidity. I can’t think of many other movies geared toward kids where ghost children plead with the main character to, “find our eyes!” so they can go to heaven.

Coraline, directed by Henry Selick and based on Neil Gaiman’s children’s book, is about a young girl who moves into the middle floor of an old house with her mother and father — two gardeners/authors who never have time to be parents. One night, after spending the day dealing with her eccentric top and bottom floor neighbours, she finds that a secret door in her living room leads to an alternate reality where her parents have buttons for eyes (referred to as the ‘Other Mother’ and ‘Other Father’) and smother her in love. Although she finds this a little unsettling at first, she does appreciate the attention. Everything seems to be going great for her until the Other Mother tells Coraline if she wants to stay in this alternate world she’ll have to sew buttons into her eyes. And everything gets crazier from there.

Technically, Coraline was the best stop-motion animated film I have ever seen. Maybe not the best stop-motion ever used in a film (Dragon Slayer is still top of the list), but as far as wall-to-wall animation goes, Coraline supersedes its predecessors (some of which Selick might also be paying tribute to in his depictions of Coraline’s old friends — who look like they’ve come straight from Will Vinton’s workshop). As far as animators go, Selick is more theatrical in his movements. Everyone exaggerates their actions and nobody is ever still (unlike animators such as Nick Park or Adam Elliot, who concentrate on the subtlety of facial features and nervous movements), but all of this works perfectly for Coraline. Maybe too perfect. In a world where CGI is looking more and more like traditional and stop-motion animation, I think the perfection of the movement in Coraline might have a lot of people not realizing they’re looking at tangible objects.

The voice talent (from Dakota Fanning, John Hodgman, and Teri Hatcher among others) is surprisingly good. Although a lot of people will tend to compare Coraline with Nightmare Before Christmas, it’s not. Not at all. Coraline doesn’t try to be cute. It doesn’t treat its material as fun. Selick’s characters don’t break out in song (aside from one by John Hodgman’s Other Father — but it’s written and sung by They Might Be Giants, so I’m not holding it against him); they don’t playfully relish the darkness like everyone in TNBC; and they don’t treat the uncanny around them as a cute departure from the everyday.

Near the middle of the movie, as things got darker, the two children in front of me were noticeably scared. They even started whimpering and crying a little. Maybe it was because their parents wouldn’t let them leave. But the kids stuck through it, and by the end they were all smiles. And I felt the same way — I wouldn’t necessarily think of Coraline as a kids movie, but it’s a journey that kids would appreciate more than the rest of us. The emo-jocks thought it was pretty gay.

The Little Millionaires are the first band to release an actual real-life record here. They’re from Toronto, count ex-members of Ontario punk rock royalty in their ranks (Bombs Over Providence, Marilyn’s Vitamins), and are genuinely good dudes who will drink you under the table and then help you walk home. We’re unbelievably stoked to be a part of bringing rad music by rad people to you, more rad people. And now, a word from the band:

Courtesy of Mr. Adam Cook: The Little Millionaires’ DIY is an STD was a self-made mess in the erstwhile tradition of late ’90s punk bands who used to brag about how poor they lived and much crap they silk screened their name onto. The original less-than-fifty physical copies of this disc were all sold at a Toronto live show in October ‘08 and were little more than a spray-painted cardsleeve (that never seemed to dry) and CDs labeled with pictures of the bands’ testicles. Now released digitally with new artwork and fewer balls, DIY is a rough, tough demo and first release from a band that promises… well… nothing.

Download it now and join the party.

I’m back! For the last six weeks Juicebox has been lamely rebranding itself, and now the sports blog that I work tirelessly to maintain has been reduced to a tiny little section in favour of some kind of music label that lets Sam and Ashley make more blood money for themselves [Ed.'s note: 100% of the blood money goes to the bands that create the records. Look forward to Luc's new sports LP].

It’s great to be back.

This week in sports
Um… I’m not gonna lie. Since the Superbowl last Sunday, I have done nothing but look forward to the Baseball season (April 6th!). Hockey, Basketball… they’re dead to me… more dead to me than Kyle Fines. The teams I care about are really, really bad. In fact they just make me not want to write about sports. So what am I gonna do instead? Write about movies.

Movies I’m gonna go see while drunk in 2009
4Fast4Furious – Aw man, its gonna be so awesome. Original Model, New Parts, More Vin Diesel and Paul Walker looking like they want to bone each other’s dads.

Dragonball: Evolution – If you’re like me, you are the rare breed of mega nerd/mega jock. In grade 10 you’d come home from hockey practice and play Starcraft for a couple of hours. You read the Dragonball Z comic books and you’re gonna go see the live action movie in 2009. Man… I don’t want to remember a thing.

Terminator: Salvation – It’s gonna be bad. I don’t care what screen shots you may have seen or how much Christian Bale is great these days, this movie is gonna blow. So you will need me there in the theatre to yell out random Blue Jays’ names and offer you whiskey out of my flask.

Crank 2: High Voltage – What’s better than Jason Statham snorting cocaine off a bathroom floor and plowing Amy Smart in Chinatown? Jason Statham needing electricity to stay alive. Instant bonnerfication.

Final Destination: Death Trip 3D – No Explanation Required.

and now with this kid, who has guaranteed pre-pub fodder for his bored rezmates once he’s all growed up and in college (thanks to his genius dad videotaping him post-dental surgery):

Not to mention a guy on an all-bacon diet, digital roadsign hacking instructions, and video games as classic book covers. We need to up our game. Or at least our internet sleuthing skills.

Ah, who am I kidding. Who wants to get nachos?

We’re nominated for the “Young Jedi” award for “Best New Band of ‘08″ [Ed.'s note: LOLOLOL]. Also nominated in the same category are our bestest friends the Little Millionaires, but fuck those chumps and vote for us ’cause I want my mom to be proud of me (actually we love the Millionaires and we’re releasing their record, so vote for them too. But not as many times as you vote for us). You can also vote for some non-us related stuff, and when you do that, make sure you vote for fellow JBdc contributor Ben Rispin’s band, Saint Alvia. Keep your eyes on the prize.

Seriously:

VOTE HERE

Thanks, I owe you a beer.

[Ed.'s note: but really, Jr Battles is pretty much the JUICEBOXdotcom house band. Every member writes for us, is a babe, and loves you more and more each and every passing day (see Aaron, Joel, Justin, Sam). Love them like they love you.]

10:29 - there are a lot of people in Washington right now, i heard you can’t even use your cell phone today!!!1

10:30 - ohmigod, LAW MAKERS ARE STARTING TO ARRIVE AND SO IS THE QUEEN OF SOUL.

10:35 - maybe they should move this to August since it’s so cold, shut up Virgina.

10:38 - 2000/min status updates on facebook shown on cnn.com!

BRB.

10:49 - someone just got into a car.

10:50 - Gabriel Luis Moreno is OLIVIA!!!!!

10:50 - Lorrie Lynn King is crying.

10:50 - Aureliano Rey Aguilar is bored.

11:02 - HOLY CRAP I CAN SEE HIM RIGHT NOW, HE’S WALKING INTO A BUILDING. I WONDER WHAT HE IS THINKING ABOUT?

11:05 - James W. Lawrence thinks Michelle Obama needs the name of good hairdresser.

11:06 - YO DISS!

11:09 - Dustin Clark it ManBearPig, im super cereal.

11:28 - the kidz are here.

11:35 - oh c’monnnnnnnn, let’s get this show on the road.

11:40 - JOSEPH R. BIDEN JR. BATTLES.

11:45 - oh hey, obama is outside now. he’s looks like a pretty huge babe.

11:49 - Jane Maru saddleback church, nice name.

11:53 - Robert Rahardja fat dude is not praying.. Haha.

11:54 - ARETHA IS GONNA SING I WILL SURVIVE! fab bow, girl.

11:58 - “I take his obligation freely, and I will well and faithfully say that the Girlettes are the best band known to man and will win at least every Oscar this year” - says Biden.

12:00 - YO, TOTAL GUY ON GUY ACTION!

12:03 - it’s happening!

12:04 - he spoke too soon.

12:06 - OBAMA IS GONNA GET LAAAAAAAAAAAID TONIGHT.

12:11 - HE’s TALKING and then some other old guy walked behind him and then walked away.

12:12 - Riti doesn’t know who all these other people are. She should a grow a brain.

12:13 - kbye. ttyn.

It’s not a necessarily bad album by any means, I’ve just heard the same let’s-write-a-song-for-the-sake-of-writing-a-song stuff before. Many times before. Anyone out there ever head of ‘Space Bike’? I used to think they were awesome; until I realized my favorite indie-pop bands were only my favorites because I heard them first. It’s like buying a box of Corn Pops, eating one, loving it, and not liking all of the other corn pops because they taste too much like the first one. There’s nothing new going on here.

Once again, it’s not bad; but it’s not great. Should you buy it? No. You probably already own it, but it’s a different album, written by a different band, and you like that one more.

A lot of people were at the theatre when I got there; A quick scan of the crowd told me most of these people were home for the holidays before returning to school.

The majority of them were boyfriends (who didn’t leave town) accompanied by their girlfriends (who were in their first year of post-secondary school) — it was written all over them. The same girls that were only months ago wearing stripped leggings under an oversized hoodie covered in crazy shit were now draped in pea-coats and scarves, while their trashbag boyfriends still wore their trucker hats (which are still cool in Sault Ste Marie where I live) and Fox Racing jackets. Both seemed clueless to the fact that this would probably be their last date together.

Even for Christmas day the theatre was fairly packed; and for a two-hour movie it was a rather breezy time. But that’s all David Fincher; the guy knows how to make a long movie seem at least half an hour shorter than its actual length: keep it moving and keep giving the audience new information (a tactic used in both Zodiac and Fight Club)

Cate Blanchett and Brad Pitt do little with their roles, and fall back on composited CGI versions of themselves to do most of the acting, which is a shame and a waste. Pitt’s role as the title character is especially underrepresented — relying almost entirely on narration rather than interaction to emotionally engage the audience.

The script, by screenwriter Eric Roth, felt too much like his work on Forest Gump. It’s basically Forest Gump, if he was physically handicapped instead of mentally handicapped. And then instead of being physically handicapped, he was magically handicapped.

But the biggest downfall of the movie is the ending. As Benjamin grows younger, it gets to a point where they can’t keep using Brad Pitt CGI mutants, and have to use a younger actor. So, as soon as you see the teenage version of Benjamin, you’re pulled out of the movie. It’s no longer the same character. He doesn’t even really look like how you figure Brad Pitt would look as a teenager. At that point the audience doesn’t care. They’re no longer following the story of Benjamin Button - that was Brad Pitt’s story, not some teenagers.

As the credits rolled, we began walking out; passing the same young couples we came in with. The pea-coated girlfriends, who felt newly enlightened because they were in university, defended the movie to their trucker-cap boyfriends, who thought it was dumb and long. After a short back-and-forth, the girlfriends just stopped arguing. Their boyfriends weren’t going to get it. They’d never understand because they haven’t experienced life yet, not like they had anyway. And later on in the night the larger revelation would hit — not only did their boyfriends not ‘get’ the movie, but they didn’t get them anymore either. They would have to break up. She’s in university, she wants to travel, she wants to grow and live life and settle down when she’s ready. Her and her boyfriend were just different people. We all know those girls (btw those girls, fuck you. Die sad and alone — with guys still not ‘getting’ you.)

And then it hits that Benjamin Button is the perfect guy for these girls. While they’re young and stupid, he’s the older, mature, worldly man they feel they can learn from; And when they get old and their vaginas start to dry out (science), he’ll be the bucking young stud ready to fuck them until they orgasm all of the dead, unused eggs out of their wombs (also science).

That said, I still enjoyed The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Although it’s not a movie that I would feel the need to see immediately again, it does have a fairy tale air that appeals to both adults and children. Not one of the best movies of the year, but still a great movie.

I am a female in my mid 60’s and I am looking for a room mate. Times are tight and I need some extra money.

I am willing to rent out my bathroom in my 1 bedroom east village home.

My bathroom is large. You can easily put a twin air mattress in there. I only ask that when I need to use the bathroom, you or your air mattress are not in it.

I do ask that when you are in the apartment, you confine yourself to the bathroom. I do not feel comfortable with a stranger walking around my living room. This might change as I get to know you better.

You may have guest over as long as they are cnfined to the bathroom as well. This might seem a bit odd but please remember the rent is $400 and the bathroom is large.

From Minneapolis:

BARTER: looking for macbook

i need a macbook for school. i have the following and am willing to trade:

- pack of napkins
- can of vegetables (you choose the vegetable)
- robin hood: men in tights dvd
- half used glade candle - fresh linen scent
- bottle of lemon-lime gatorade (unopened!)
- 19 ziploc sandwich bags
- pack of tube socks
- box of 63 crayons (missing cadet blue)
- bag of pogs
- “chicken soup for the horse lover’s soul II” book
- black belt (not a karate belt)
- 60 watt light bulb
- home-made play dough
- button with a picture of a chicken saying “where’s the beef?”
- button with a picture of a cow saying “where’s the chicken?”
- bag of ranch corn nuts

if you are interested in trading your macbook for any of the previously listed items please email me.

thank you!

Well Ghost Town does just that, pitting a live and well Ricky Gervais (who plays a bitter about life Dentist) versus the ghostly remains of a tuxedo laden Greg Kinnear. Kinnear wants Gervais to get his widow (Tea Leoni on the comeback path) to still love him or something, and surprisingly enough Gervais and Leoni end up having the hots for each other. Makes perfect sense, considering Leoni is engaged to none other than the Rocketeer himself Bill Campbell (boner).

Whatever. This movie was pretty good and entertaining. And the best part by far is Alan Ruck with a very minute and cheesy role as some dead dad.

4 out of 5 Bangbuses

Note: This film is not to be confused with There’s Something About Mary, The Sixth Man, Ghost World, Just Like Heaven, Spanglish, What Lies Beneath, or GhostBusters II.

We at JUICEBOX love ourselves some Craigslist. We also love the potential for new and lasting friendships. Sometimes when we are just bored enough, we enjoy combining the two. Usually when Greg (above) is around. And mostly because people are fucking weird.

Posted to Craigslist Toronto:

Free: Two Cokes on Ice

We have two delicious cokes in glasses with three to four ice cubes per drink. They are cold and refreshing and need to find a home (your belly) soon! Email us before 1:00 am and come get your free drinks!

* Location: Juicebox Manor, Clinton Street

We legitimately wanted to share these fresh cokes with a thirsty new friend. Look at the condensation on those glasses. And that welcoming red curtain showcase? I’m telling you. Not the cheap stuff.

Alas our posting was flagged for removal once again (does anyone know on what grounds? is this something psychopaths do?), but not before we got a few responses in. Responses that would indicate that we may have been unintentionally propositioning our potential new friends. Here’s a sampling:

From: partypooper.me@hotmail.com
To: sale-872104120@craigslist.org

where on clinton?

who are you?

i’m a 24 year old dude.

Score! And this:

From: ms Kitten allabouthilites@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: Free Cokes

Am I too late? Are you the guy who likes straight hair?

Yipes. To which Gregory responded:

To: allabouthilites@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Free Cokes

I do like straight hair, but I don’t know if I’m “the guy who likes straight hair”…..

Are you close by? I’m at clinton and dupont street

To which “Ms. Kitten” responded:

ms Kitten wrote:
Nooooooooooooooooo, not nearby, I thought you were… a friend of mine who does foolish things like that. hahahha. sorry to bother you. take care and good luck with the cokes!

Pfft. We had great luck with the cokes. They were delicious, you pervert.

OH MY GOD! DID YOU SEE THAT SALE THAT URBAN OUTFITTERS WAS HAVING ON BOXING DAY??? IT WAS SO FUCKING INCREDIBLY AWESOME! $14 RUBBER DUCKS WITH DEVIL HORNS! 50% OFF UGLY KNITTED GLOVES!

Well I saw it, and I stayed away from it and other such sales. You probably didn’t though, and that’s why you’ll need these top 10 ways to save money during the 2009 recession:

10. Get that shit used
Unless you’re really adamant about having a hardcover copy of Twilight with the 10% off Indigo sticker on it, I suggest you consult places like Craigslist beforehand for pretty much anything you want to buy. Or even ask your friends! Or your mom! (Hot?)

9. Walk
Walk to the bar, to your friend’s house, to the eye exam, to your booty call. Or steal a bike in the summer. Either way, you will feel healthy and save the planet all at once. Plus you will work up an appetite for that booty call (also free. I hope).

8. Cheap Films
Go to Rainbow Cinemas, or whatever fucking theatre in your little town lets you see movies for $7 and under. Or look up where movies are playing for free. The movie won’t be good, but its something to do once you…

7. Dump your girlfriend
Ladies beware, if you constantly ask your boyfriend to cab everywhere or to stop making pasta every night, you may soon be dumped. Gentlemen - the bitch has got to go.

6. Revert to College Party Mode
Cheap bars, cheap beers, cheap bitches. If going to places like “Lot 332″ and “Cheval” are costing you dicks and asses in expensive vodka 7s and cab rides to follow your crush around, then maybe heading back to your old digs to drink $11 pitchers is the smart thing to do. After all, people born in the 1990s turn 19 this year! (Gross)

5. Don’t use condoms
I’m kidding. Please use them.

4. Drink Water
Get yourself one of those thick plastic containers Sam has on the end of his backpack and fill it water. Don’t buy that bottle of Dasani or Spritz Up – fill up at your friends house. Again you will feel like you are saving the environment (key words = “feel like”).

3. Don’t go back to school
Just don’t. People always say this is a good idea. Just go take one class or pickup a For Dummies book on the topic you want to learn about. Just like they’re doing at York right now. Zzzzzzzzzzing!

2. Take up a hobby
Chess is fun. Learn it, then come over and challenge me. I’m serious. I’ll give you a pudding if you can beat me.

1. Ditch newspapers, read JUICEBOXdotcom
Check this one off the list. Way to go! Now pickup the phone and tell Stacey you never want to see her again. Then walk to a free movie, moneybanks.

It’s just about blizzarding outside. It’s just about blizzarding outside and I live in a charming but kinda dinky basement apartment. So it’s hella-snowing outside, I live underground, and as such there is little else in this world that I want to do more than curl up with my laptop and watch Sabrina the Teenage Witch on YouTube.

Second only to Josie and the Pussycats in terms of live-action adaptations of peripheral Archie comic characters, Sabrina succeeds at more than simply following the obligatory format of a family-friendly high school-centred sit-com, though it definitely does. What makes the show so magic – heh, you get it… do you get it? – is its complete irrationality, and the ability to explain away any potential plot holes with the fact that Sabrina and her aunts Hilda and Zelda are witches. Narrative gold!

Sabrina’s best friend from the show’s first season (Jenny, a pretty girl with curly hair and countercultural leanings) disappears without an explanation to be replaced by a far inferior pal (the neurotic and co-dependent Valerie) in the second season. But who cares? Look, a cameo by Davey Jones from the Monkees! Paul Feig (Sabrina’s cynical science teacher in season one)’s absence is never noted either, when yet another neurotic lady is brought in to fill the shoes of a well-liked character from season one. But, hey, here’s Penn and Teller! One of the most important lessons I have gleaned from this well-structure show is that there is virtually no problem that a surprise visit from Eric Estrada can’t solve. Though I already had a hunch about that one.

There are countless other nerd reasons why I genuinely love this show, even though it clearly jumped the shark when they made the grievous error of sending Sabrina to college (hey, Degrassi: The Next Generation, are you listening?). I mean, come on! Melissa Joan Hart’s Sabrina and her subsequent role as a teen starlet in such exceptional films as Drive Me Crazy and Can’t Hardly Wait totally cement that TGIF ideal of my early adolescence, when watching 20/20, which aired at 10 o’clock on ABC after Sabrina and its cohorts, made you so totally in the know with how the world really was. Not to mention the fact that Sabrina’s father in the show is the same actor who provided the voice for Prince Alexander in the stunning 1992 point-and-click adventure game King’s Quest VI, which also had a solid hand in the formation of the socially graceful, upright citizen I am today.

So, in conclusion… oh man, I don’t know. In conclusion, I will never find love because I spend my time watching sit-coms from when I was twelve on YouTube and can identify the voice actors of computer game characters that spent half of the game telling you, “I don’t want to pick that up.” Good grief.

Sometimes, when I close my eyes really tight, it’s the mid-90s again and pop-punk rules. Then I wake up dudes like this are famous and I get way bummed out. As if to alleviate my seasonal punk rock depression, Trunk are reuniting this week. For one show. January 2. Red Rooster. Burlington. It’s going to be awesome and will make you want to light your stupid cut-offs on fire and buy a nice pair of unnecessarily baggy shorts and a skateboard.

My knowledge of Trunk comes exclusively from dubbed cassette tapes, which is a pretty romantic way to remember any band. They were just hitting their stride when I was finishing middle school, and as a result, they were one of the first punk bands I heard that made me question my devotion to Korn and musical theatre. They ruled.

The band formed in 1992 for a high school talent show. After two cassette releases, they signed to legendary local label Raw Energy Records, where they released Beaned Up Polkas, Yank to Release, and Throwin’ the Horns. Trunk played over 500 shows, toured North America a bunch of times, made three music videos, and starred in commercials for Tiger Toys and Ontario Hydro (easily their greatest achievement). They broke up 1999 without an official farewall show, having opened for bands like Rancid, Propagandhi, Good Riddance, MXPX, The Get Up Kids, DOA, SNFU, Day-Glo Abortions and Gob, and cementing their place in Canada’s pop-punk pantheon.

They went on to play in bands like Somehow Hollow and Grade. And now they’re back for one more show with no cover. Basically, it’s a steal of a deal and it’s going to rule. Peep the Facebook invite here, and peep bassist Jerry Filice’s answers to our awesome questions here:

Worst day-job
Dishwasher at the Keg. I hated every fucking second of it. Smashed shit rather than washing it, hid utensils, threw out dishes, and one night I even cut myself so I could leave early.

Worst haircut
I’m not afraid to admit that for 2 days, I had a “swoop“. Terrible. I’d never been more uncomfortable in my life.

Worst subculture
It’s a tie between dog park people that form cliques at the park, and heavily devoted Starbucks patrons. Why do people that drink Starbucks need that little hand protector on the cup? Is Tim Horton’s coffee somehow colder, or do we Timmy’s drinkers just have less asshole-like hands?

Worst date
The worst date I’ve ever been on is a date that I never actually went on. I went past my usual comfort level and actually approached a girl when I worked at the mall a lifetime ago. I asked her out and she said yes. Then 5 minutes before leaving to pick her up on the night of the date, she called and said she couldn’t go because she forgot she had her cousins birthday party. Oddly enough, she didn’t reschedule with me.

Worst invention
The “Fox Puck“. What a piece of shit! I always thought it had an infrared sensor that the camera picked up for all of our optically challenged friends south of the boarder. But no, just LED lights! ACTUAL lights IN the puck! I saw one on eBay a couple months ago. So not only was it a stupid invention, but it was also a total piece of shit.

Worst purchase
The Goober Patrol CD Vacation. It was the end of my So Cal punk innocence. Up until that point, if it had a Fat Wreck Chords or Epitaph logo on it, I would buy it without a listen. This record was a pile, and forced me to begin to question everything in life. I still hate it to this day, yet keep it in my collection as a reminder.

Worst way to die
In any situation where Jazz is playing. Fuck do I hate Jazz.