What Is Perfectionism?

Perfectionists aspire to be top achievers and do not allow themselves to make even a single mistake. They are always on the alert for imperfections and weaknesses in themselves and others. They tend to be rigid thinkers who are on the lookout for deviations from the rules or the norm.

Perfectionism is not the same as striving for excellence. People who pursue excellence in a healthy way take genuine pleasure in working to meet high standards. Perfectionists are motivated by self-doubt and fears of disapproval, ridicule, and rejection. The high producer has drive, while the perfectionist is driven.

Causes and Characteristics

* Fear of failure and rejection. The perfectionist believes that she will be rejected or fail if she is not always perfect, so she becomes paralyzed and unable to produce or perform at all.
* Fear of success. The perfectionist believes that if he is successful in what he undertakes, he will have to keep it up. This becomes a heavy burden--who wants to operate at such a high level all of the time?
* Low self-esteem. A perfectionists need for love and approval tend to blind her to the needs and wishes of others. This makes it difficult or impossible to have healthy relationships with others.
* Black-and-white thinking. Perfectionists see most experiences as either good or bad, perfect or imperfect. There is nothing in between. The perfectionist believes that the flawless product or superb performance must be produced every time. Perfectionists believe if it can’t be done perfectly, it’s not worth doing.
* Extreme determination. Perfectionists are determined to overcome all obstacles to achieving success. This is also true of high achievers, but the perfectionist focuses only on the result of his efforts. He is unable to enjoy the process of producing the achievement. His relentless pursuit of the goal becomes his downfall because it often results in overwhelming anxiety, sabotaging his heroic efforts.

The Costs of Being a Perfectionist

Perfectionism always costs more than the benefits it might provide. It can result in being paralyzed with fear and becoming so rigid that a person is difficult to relate to. It can produce contradictory styles, from being highly productive to being completely nonproductive. Some examples of these costs include the following:

* Low self-esteem. Just as low self-esteem is a cause of perfectionist behavior, it is also a result. Because a perfectionist never feels good enough about himself or his personal performance, he usually feels like a loser or a failure.
* Gloominess. Since a perfectionist is convinced that it will be next to impossible to achieve most goals, she can easily develop a negative attitude.
* Depression. Perfectionists often feel discouraged and depressed because they are driven to be perfect but know that it is impossible to reach the ideal.
* Guilt. Perfectionists never think they handle things well. They often feel a sense of shame and guilt as a result.
* Rigidity. Since perfectionists need to have everything meet an ideal, they tend to become inflexible and lack spontaneity.
* Lack of motivation. A person who expects perfection may never try new behaviors or learn new skills because she thinks that she will never be able to do it well enough. At other times, she may begin the new behavior but give up early because she fears that she will never reach her goal.
* Paralysis. Since most perfectionists have an intense fear of failure, they sometimes become immobilized and stagnant. Writers who suffer from writer"s block are examples of the perfectionist’s paralysis.
* Obsessive behavior. When a person needs a certain order or structure in his life, he may become overly focused on details and rules.
Compulsive behavior. A perfectionist who feels like a failure or loser may medicate him- or herself with alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, sex, gambling, or other high-risk behaviors.
* Eating disorders. Many studies have determined that perfectionism is a central issue for people who develop eating disorders.

The Perfectionist versus The High Achiever

People produce many of their best achievements when they are striving to do their best. High achievers, like perfectionists, want to be better people and achieve great things. Unlike perfectionists, high achievers accept that making mistakes and risking failure are part of the achievement process--and part of being human.

Emotionally Healthy High Producers

You can be a high achiever without being a perfectionist. People who accomplish plenty and stay emotionally healthy tend to exhibit the following behaviors:

* Set standards that are high but achievable.
* Enjoy the process, not just the outcome.
* Recover from disappointment quickly.
* Are not disabled by anxiety and fear of failure.
* View mistakes as opportunities for growth and learning.
* React positively to constructive feedback.

Once you are aware of the ways by which you expect yourself to be perfect, you can start to change your behavior. In my next newsletter, I’ll offer some tips to help you get started. Until then, begin the change process by thinking about which causes apply to you and writing down examples of these perfectionist behaviors as you observe them.

What is Body Image?

The scientist in me wants to say that the true definition of body image is the brain’s representation of of the body’s sensory system and internal sense of having a body.  This internal “body image” changes as we grow, especially in childhood and adolescence.  That partly explains why teenagers can be so klutzy and awkward, because their bodies are growing faster than their brains can keep up with.

However, most of us define body image as how we evaluate ourselves. Aside from feeling like we have a body, most of us have an opinion about our bodies.  Those with a healthy body image may have a couple of areas they think need improvement, but generally, they feel good about the way they look and are able to enjoy and appreciate their bodies.  Those who struggle with their weight very often have a negative body image. They feel fat, ugly, and unloveable.  They think others judge them harshly, and they shy away from certain social situations.

In extreme cases, a person’s body image can be so distorted that it can lead to serious problems. Here, the negative self-evaluation reaches painful levels, and often there is a huge distortion in how these people see themselves.  To others, they may look just fine, but they grossly misjudge the size or attractiveness of certain parts of their bodies.  This is a cardinal feature of some psychological disorders, like Body Dysmorphic Disorder and some Eating Disorders.  These are serious problems that require professional attention, and shouldn’t be dismissed as a sign that the person is “superficial” or “conceited.”

Signs of Negative Body Image

Worried that you or someone you know might have a problem with body image?  Some of the signs are listed below:

* You constantly compare your appearance with others.
* You refuse to let your picture be taken, or are extremely self-conscious in photos.
* You keep checking a certain body part that you think is flawed (e.g., your nose or belly).
* You measure the flaw frequently (e.g., weighing yourself).
* You attempt to hide your flaws.
* You feel anxious and self-conscious around other people.
* You call yourself names: “hideous,” “ugly,” and “disgusting.”

In addition, the following are signs of Body Dysmorphic Disorder:

* You avoid leaving the house unless you absolutely have to. Body Dysmorphic Disorder limits your social and love life.
* You spend hours getting ready, often applying and reapplying makeup several times, or fixing a strand of hair that doesn’t quite go where you want it to.
* You seek frequent and repetitive cosmetic surgery, and often aren’t happy with the results.
* More frequent in men: you weight train excessively, never feeling satisfied with the size or shape of your muscles.

If you suffer from debilitating levels of negative body image, and suspect you might have Body Dysmorphic Disorder or an Eating Disorder, I strongly urge you to seek professional help. You don’t need to feel this way; there is good help available out there.

How to Feel Better About Your Body

If you think you could use some help in the body image department, there are lots of ways you can learn to love your body.  Here are a few:

* Stop watching TV (see my blog post on my decision to go this extreme route).  I have no idea what’s in the theatres, what brands are hot, and who recently gained 10 pounds, and guess what, I don’t care!  This applies to magazines and other forms of superficial media as well.
* Make a list of all the things you like about your body. Really get into it!  Undress in front of the mirror (soft lighting helps!), and look at yourself through different (more accepting, and loving) eyes.
* Get rid of the clothes that make you feel ugly.  Only wear clothes that fit you well and play up your great features.  Experiment with new styles and accessories.  A stylist can help you decide which cuts, styles and fabrics look best on your body (check my Resources page for some recommendations).
* Stop comparing yourself to others. Maybe that thin girl over there is desperately unhappy and starves herself all day to look that way.  Is that how you want to measure your self-worth?
* Rediscover the pleasure in sensual activities.  Yes, that might mean making love, but it also includes moving in ways that make you feel alive.  Dancing, yoga, and exercise all make you feel more fluid and energized.  Strength training is especially effective in helping you focus your attention mindfully on what makes your body work, leading to a greater appreciation of yourself, a feeling of strength and power, and of course, a toned and sculpted body.
* Smile at yourself every time you look in the mirror.  Hard to do at first, but works like a charm, especially right before you walk out the door!
* Pamper yourself regularly.  Use lotions and soaps that smell delicious, take lovely bubblebaths, and have a spa day (at home or not) every so often.  Do little things to make yourself feel gorgeous (paint your toenails, try a new hairdo, or put on that outfit that makes you feel great).

Remember, you can’t change the media, but you can choose what you pay attention to and how you feel about yourself.  Learn to love yourself the way you are, and be the best you can be right now. Tomorrow is another day, and today is all you’ve got!

Why People Stay Stuck

One big reason people stay stuck is the comfort that comes from force of habit.  Better to stick with the devil you know, than the devil you don’t know, right?  Well, maybe not.  Comfort zones are limiting, preventing you from venturing out into new, unexplored territory.

Fear of change is another big reason. With fear come all the questions: what do I have to lose by changing?  What will I be giving up?  How hard will it be to try something new?  What if I fail?  What if it doesn’t last?  How do I know things will be better the new way, anyway?

There are no ready answers for these questions. But know that anything worth having usually comes through hard work, persistence, and experimentation.  And even though things might not be better the new way, things definitely won’t get better if you don’t try.

Benefits of Trying Something New

Here are some of the advantages of trying something new: 

* Overcome your fears.  Haven’t taken a vacation in years because you’re afraid of flying?  Now’s a good a time as any to tackle that fear (whether on your own or with professional help). 

* Change as an opportunity for growth.  Every time you encounter a change in your life, you get to learn something about yourself.  Every time you experiment with something different, you learn something about the world, your strengths and even your limitations (why waste time on something you’re not good at?).

* Keep your mind sharp.  Whenever you try something new, you’re challenging your mind, keeping your skills fresh, and forging new pathways in your brain.  It also helps you stay interested, because nothing ever gets boring.

* Discover your passion.  How will you know what you’re truly in love with and good at if you haven’t taken the time to try anything and everything the world has to offer?

* Live life more fully.  Instead of staying to stuck to the same old boring routine, break out of the mold and do all those things you’ve been meaning to try.  Not only will every day be different and more interesting, you’ll have a lifetime of memories to look forward to (and no regrets, either!).

* Replace old habits with new, healthier ones.  Perhaps the most important benefit of all.  Each time you create a new habit, you have to make room by getting rid of an old one.  By finding an after-dinner activity that will keep you active, engaged and having fun, you won’t be able to park yourself on the couch every evening with a bag of snacks.

Where Should I Start?

Like anything else, you should always start small. Choose changes that are not only easy to implement, but actually sound fun or exciting.  Once you get comfortable with making smaller changes, move on to bigger, scarier ones.  See the list below for some suggestions:

* Try a different route on your way to work or during your daily walk.

* Check out local listings for interesting activities you’ve always meant to try (e.g., yoga, painting, or wine tasting classes).

* Rearrange your furniture in a way that’s more aesthetically pleasing and more functional.

Pathways offers services to adults, children, couples and families. Specialties include both therapy and psychological testing, including psychoeducational assessments and personality testing.  If you know anyone who might be in need of these services, feel free to pass along this info!

1. Choose the right time. Imagine you’re dashing down the hall on your way to a meeting. Lisa passes by. You call out, “Can you have the Acme Inc. project out by Tuesday?” Because you haven’t scheduled a special time to bring up the issue, Lisa has no reason to think your request deserves high priority.

2. Choose the right place. Discuss important issues in a private, neutral location.

3. Be direct. For example, “Lisa, I would like you to work overtime on the Acme Inc. project.” Whether or not Lisa likes your request, she will respect you for your directness.

4. Say “I,” not “we.” Instead of saying, “We need the project by Tuesday,” say, “I would like you to finish the project by Tuesday.”

5. Be specific. Instead of, “Put a rush on the Acme Inc. project,” say, “I would like the Acme Inc. project finished and on Joe’s desk by 9:00 Tuesday morning.”

6. Use body language to emphasize your words. ”Lisa, I need that report Tuesday morning,” is an assertive statement. But if you mumble this statement while staring at the floor, you undermine your message.

7. Confirm your request. Ask your staff to take notes at meetings. At the end of each meeting, ask your group to repeat back the specifics that were agreed upon. This minimizes miscommunication. This also works at home; when you and a family have a disagreement or important discussion; be sure to ask them to repeat back what you’ve asked of them.  Do the same for them.

8. Stand up for yourself. Don’t allow others to take advantage of you; insist on being treated fairly. Here are a few examples: “I was here first,” “I’d like more coffee, please,” “Excuse me, but I have another appointment,” “Please turn down the radio,” or “This steak is well done, but I asked for medium rare.”

9. Learn to be friendly with people you would like to know better. Do not avoid people because you don’t know what to say. Smile at people. Convey that you are happy to see them.

10. Express your opinions honestly. When you disagree with someone, do not pretend to agree. When you are asked to do something unreasonable, ask for an explanation.

11. Share your experiences and opinions. When you have done something worthwhile, let others know about it.

12. Learn to accept kind words. When someone compliments you, say, “Thank you.”

13. Maintain eye contact when you are in a conversation.

14. Don’t get personal. When expressing annoyance or criticism, comment on the person’s behaviour rather than attacking the person. For example: “Please don’t talk to me that way,” rather than, “What kind of jerk are you?”

15. Use “I” statements when commenting on another’s behavior. For example: “When you cancel social arrangements at the last minute, it’s extremely inconvenient and I feel really annoyed.”

16. State what you want. If appropriate, ask for another behavior. ("I think we’d better sit down and try to figure out how we can make plans together and cut down on this kind of problem.")

17. Look for good examples. Pay attention to assertive people and model your behavior after theirs.

18. Start slowly. Express your assertiveness in low-anxiety situations at first; don’t leap into a highly emotional situation until you have more confidence. Most people don’t learn new skills overnight.

19. Reward yourself each time you push yourself to formulate an assertive response. Do this regardless of the response from the other person.

20. Don’t put yourself down when you behave passively or aggressively. Instead, identify where you went off course and learn how to improve.

How can assertive communication help you lose weight?  Often, those of us who are afraid of confrontation, or express anger inappropriately, have problematic relationships.  The stress that this creates, and the repetive cycle of passivity and aggressivity, can lead to using food to “stuff” away the feelings or relieve the pain of anger and shame.  By setting better limits with yourself and with others, not only will you have a stronger sense of self and better relationships, you’ll also let go of the need for food to help you say what you previously couldn’t.

Full of resolve, she vows to eat nothing but celery sticks and carrots when she gets the munchies, to prepare the elaborate meals from that diet book she bought for New Year’s Resolution 2001, and to get to the gym 5 days a week.

That very night, she slips up and finishes the box of Christmas cookies from her mother.  A week later, she finally gets up the courage to go to the gym, which is crowded with other Resolvers.  After waiting 15 minutes for a machine, she feels exhausted after her 10 minute workout (with the machine set to Level 1!).  Defeated, discouraged, and without energy, she goes home to a bucket of ice cream; things were fine just the way they were.

Sound familiar?

What went wrong?

* Her motivation to lose weight was motivated by disgust and fear, not a desire to take care of herself.  This always leads to guilty failure, a sense of disappointing yourself or someone else.
* She didn’t have a specific plan; rather, she went about willy-nilly doing things she thought you’re supposed to do when you’re on a “diet” (my most loathed four-letter word).
* Whatever meagre goals she did have were completely unrealistic; one cannot subsist on carrots and celery, nor can one realistically expect to cut out all desserts and sweets.
* She didn’t have the tools and support to make her goals work.

With a lack of adequate planning, realistic goals, and support from the outside, it is difficult to make any sort of change.  And this scenario doesn’t just apply to weight management; almost any resolution that is poorly planned will result in frustration and failure.  Read on to find out the 10 steps to setting New Year’s resolutions that work.

Prepare for Succcess

First, prepare the groundwork.

1. Create a list of areas you think might need improvement. Be creative, and be ambitious.  As with any other brainstorming activity, any idea, no matter how wild, counts.  Ask yourself, “What do I really want your life to look like?” Be sure to include areas other than the physical (work, relationships, spiritual, etc.).

2. Whittle your list down to 1 or 2 major life areas. Decide what you will prioritize for now.  There is always time for more later.  Is this the year you go back to school, change careers, focus on your health?  By trying to do too much, you’ll set yourself up for overwhelm.

3. Think about why you want to make changes in those areas. What will the benefits be?  Are you motivated by a vision that excites you (being full of energy and vitality), or one that terrifies you (if you keep this up, you’ll eventually weigh 300 pounds)?  Ask yourself who you’re really changing for; yourself, or someone else?

4. Create a list of obstacles that might come up, and find specific ways to handle each one. If you know you eat well all day but can’t stop snacking after dinner, then have a backup plan.  If you never seem to have time to devote to a hobby, then create a time that you hold sacred and stick to it.

5. Ask for support. Let friends and family know about your resolution.  Be clear that nagging and pushing won’t help; instead, ask for specific ways in which they can help.  For example, ask your husband to cook dinner twice a week so you can fit in that workout after work rather than rush home to prepare dinner.

Be Smart About Goal-Setting

Next, use the S.M.A.R.T. principle to create goals that you can stick to. Goals should be:

6. Specific. The more specific the goal, the more concrete your behaviour can be.  Rather than say, “I want to have the same body I did 10 years ago,” say, “I want to lose 10 pounds.” Note that a single vision (focus on my health this year) may generate many, many specific goals (lose 10 pounds, take my vitamins, exercise 3 times a week).  Make a list of as many as you can think of.

7. Measureable. Goals that are measurable are trackable.  And if they’re trackable you can always be on top of your progress.  And when you’re always on top of your progress, you’ll be able to figure out what’s keeping you stuck, and congratulate yourself when you’ve reached a milestone.

8. Attainable. Please, be realistic!  You are never going to wear those skin-tight, acid-wash jeans that you wore when you were 16.  Just admit it to yourself and move on.  Instead, pick a goal that is a bit of a stretch but not something that will overwhelm you.  If your idea of exercise is cleaning the bathroom, then resolving to become a gym buff isn’t going to work.  A more realistic goal would be to try a yoga class and walk for a total of 30 minutes a week (until you become fitter and the goals can increase).

9. Relevant. This brings us back to the previous section.  The goals you set need to fit within the vision you have for your life; they need to be for no one’s benefit but your own.  They have to be something you can feel excited about.  Has it ever occurred to you that maybe those 5 extra pounds don’t actually matter to you?  Maybe what you really want to accomplish this year is developing a new skill or hobby, or improve your marriage.

10. Timely. This doesn’t just refer to setting deadlines for your goals (e.g., “Lose 10 pounds in 3 months").  It also means focusing on developing new habits.  Resolutions aren’t just quick fixes, things that you’ll do temporarily until “something changes.” True change requires a lifetime commitment.  When you were a toddler, your parents diligently taught you to brush your teeth.  Now, you have to do the same for yourself.  As they say, a new habit takes 21 days to form.  One way to make changes that stick is to develop a new habit every week (or every 21 days).  Take those goals that you listed in Step 6 and set a timeline for when you’ll incorporate each one into your lifestyle.  For example, the first week you might resolve to drink at least six glasses of water each day; the second week, you’ll get 30 minutes of physical activity per week; the third, you’ll try to stop eating when you’re full; and so on.  Slow and steady wins the race!

With these 10 steps in hand, you have a recipe to start 2009 off on the right foot! 

* Fear of disappointing others. Some people fear disappointing their loved ones during the holidays. Even though they can’t afford to spend a lot of money on gifts, some people feel so obligated to come through with a fancy gift that they spend more than they can afford.

* Expecting gifts to improve relationships. Giving someone a nice present won’t necessarily strengthen a friendship or romantic relationship. When your gifts don’t produce the reactions you had hoped for, you may feel let down.

* Anniversary reactions. If someone important to you passed away or left you during a past holiday season, you may become depressed as the anniversary approaches.

* Bad memories. For some families, the holidays are times of chaos and confusion. This is especially true in families where people have substance abuse problems or dysfunctional ways of relating to each other. If this was true in your family in past years, you may always carry memories of the disappointment and upheaval that came with the holidays. Even though things may be better now, it is difficult to forget the times when your holidays were ruined by substance abuse and family dysfunction.

* It could be SAD. People who live in northern parts of the hemisphere may experience depression during the winter because of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). SAD results from fewer hours of sunlight as the days grow shorter during the winter months.

Strategies for Dealing with the Holiday Blues

While the holiday blues are usually temporary, these ideas can help make this year’s holiday experience more pleasant and less stressful.

* Be realistic. Don’t expect the holiday season to solve all past problems. The forced cheerfulness of the holiday season cannot ward off sadness or loneliness.

* Drink less alcohol. Even though drinking alcohol gives you a temporary feeling of well-being, it is a depressant and never makes anything better.

* Give yourself permission not to feel cheerful. Accept how you are feeling. If you have recently experienced a loss, you can’t expect yourself to put on a happy face. Tell others how you are feeling and what you need.

* Have a spending limit and stick to it. Look for holiday activities that are free, such as driving around to look at holiday decorations. Go window-shopping without purchasing anything. Look for ways to show people you care without spending a lot.

* Be honest. Express your feelings to those around you in a constructive, honest, and open way. If you need to confront someone with a problem, begin your sentences with “I feel.”

* Look for sources of support. Learn about offerings at mental health centers, churches, and synagogues. Many of these have special support groups, workshops, and other activities designed to help people deal with the holiday blues.

* Give yourself special care. Schedule times to relax and pamper yourself. Take a warm bath or spend an evening with a good book.

* Set limits and priorities. Be realistic about what you will be able to accomplish. Prepare a To-Do list to help you arrange your priorities.

* Volunteer your time. If you are troubled because you won’t be seeing your family, volunteer to work at a hospital or food bank. Volunteering can help raise your spirits by turning your focus to people who are less fortunate than you are.

* Get some exercise. Exercise has a positive impact on depression because it boosts serotonin levels. Try to get some type of exercise at least twice each week.

After the Holidays

For some people, holiday blues continue into the new year. This is often caused by leftover feelings of disappointment during the holiday season and being physically exhausted. The blues also happen for some people because the start of a new year is a time of reflection, which can produce anxiety.

Is It More than Just the Holiday Blues?

Clinical depression is more than just feeling sad for a few weeks. The symptoms generally include changes in appetite and sleep patterns, having less interest in daily activities, difficulty concentrating, and a general feeling of hopelessness.

Clinical depression requires professional treatment. If you are concerned that a friend or relative may be suffering from more than just holiday blues, you should express your concerns. If the person expresses thoughts of worthlessness or suicide, it is important to seek the help of a qualified mental health professional. 

Learn to Have Healthy Relationships

This subject could fill an entire book. In the limited space of this newsletter, let’s look at the key components of this stress-reducing strategy.

1.  Identify the sources of stress in your relationships. Write about them in a journal. Make a list of people who cause you stress and explore what the issues are.

2.  Resolve the underlying issues. For each of the situations identified in step 1, assess what needs to happen to resolve it. Make a list and design a plan to improve the situation.

3.  Learn skills to improve relationships. Relationship skills are learned. We are not born knowing how to get along well with others, and most of us learned only limited skills from our parents. Identify the skills you need to develop, and make a plan for yourself. You can learn these skills by reading books, taking classes, or working with a therapist.

4.  Avoid toxic people and situations. Some people have a toxic effect on you. If you can, limit the amount of time you spend with them. Look for opportunities to decline their invitations. When these people are family members, remind yourself that you don’t have to feel guilty about avoiding anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself. In work situations, look for ways to rearrange your schedule or your workspace to avoid interacting with such people.
5.  Seek out positive people and situations. This step is the reverse of the previous step. Look for opportunities to spend more time with people and in situations that make you feel good. Think about people who make you feel good about yourself and look for ways to increase time with them.

Eating and Stress

If you struggle with emotional eating, you know how tightly linked the two are.  One way to get a handle on emotional eating is to manage stress better.  In addition, you can also manage your stress better by eating well. 

6.  Watch what you eat. Some substances amplify the stress response. These include:
• Caffeine stimulates the release of stress hormones. This increases heart rate, blood pressure, and oxygen to the heart. Ongoing exposure to caffeine can harm the tissue of the heart.
• Refined sugar and processed flour are depleted of needed vitamins. In times of stress, certain vitamins help the body maintain the nervous and endocrine systems.
• Too much salt can lead to excessive fluid retention. This can lead to nervous tension and higher blood pressure. Stress often adds to the problem by causing increased blood pressure.
• Smoking not only causes disease and shortens life, it leads to increased heart rate, blood pressure, and respiration.
• Alcohol robs the body of nutrition that it might otherwise use for cell growth and repair. It also harms the liver and adds empty calories to the body.

7.  Get moving. The human body was designed to be physically active. However, in most jobs today, people are sitting down most of the time. They hardly move at all except when it is time for coffee break or lunch. When faced with stressors, we respond with our minds, not our bodies. It is no wonder that many of us have a difficult time responding to stressful events.

Exercise is one of the simplest and most effective ways to respond to stress. Activity provides a natural release for the body during its fight-or-flight state of arousal. After exercising, the body returns to its normal state of equilibrium, and one feels relaxed and refreshed.

8.  Look for ways to let go of tension and anxiety. Meditation and progressive relaxation are two valuable ways to regenerate and refresh yourself. You can purchase meditation and relaxation audiotapes or record your own. This is especially important because your health and long life depend on minimizing stress and achieving a sense of balance and well-being.

Take Action

What’s one action you can commit to, right now?  Make an appointment with yourself to spend time doing something that helps you de-stress, like taking a walk, painting your toenails, or just lying on your bed listening to music (something we forgot how to do after high school). 

Most people say they want to simplify their lives because they feel like they have lost control of their time. They want to have more time to do the things they want to do, both at work and at home. Every few weeks, there is another newspaper or magazine story about how people feel that they aren’t spending their time on things they enjoy. A recent poll, for example, found that 65% of people are spending their free time doing things they’d rather not do. Isn’t that amazing? It’s great if you have created a full and interesting life for yourself, but how frustrating if you don’t have the time to enjoy it!

The 80/20 Principle

The 80/20 Principle, first stated by Vilfredo Pareto in 1897, says that 20% of our effort produces 80% of the results. This means that a small number of resources are highly productive - and a large number (80%) are not very productive at all. Here are a few examples:

* 20% of the things in your house are used 80% of the time.
* 80% of the things in your house are used 20% of the time.
* 20% of your activities give you 80% of your satisfaction.
* 20% of the stocks in an investor’s portfolio produce 80% of the results.
* 20% of the books in a bookstore account for 80% of the sales.

The challenge is to identify those few vital items that produce the greatest value for you. Focus on the activities that result in satisfaction, such as money, better health, or more free time. At the same time, identify those many trivial items that don’t lead to things like satisfaction, money, better health, or more free time. These unprofitable activities are taking up 80% of your time. Doesn’t it make sense to deemphasize them in favor of the vital 20%?

Making Time Takes Time

The first challenge to simplifying your life is that it takes an investment of time. If you want to discover how to make time for the things you enjoy, you have to examine how you are spending your time now. If you keep living your life the same way you always have, it will stay complicated.

For some, the excuse, “I can’t slow down because everything is important,” is a way to avoid seeing what they don’t want to see: a relationship that is no longer fulfilling, a job that no longer satisfies, an emotional distance that has emerged between them and their family members. Some people keep their lives going at a furious pace to avoid seeing what they don’t want to see.

If you really do want to simplify your life, you will make the time. You don’t have to do anything radical; in fact, it is best to start small. Set aside just 30 minutes each day for a week. During that time, ask yourself a simple question: “What are the elements that contribute to my life feeling so complicated?” Make a list of the factors in your journal and write about them. Begin to think about what can be changed or eliminated.

Finding this time is not as impossible as it may seem at first. Maybe you can leave work 30 minutes early for a month and use the extra time for this exploration, possibly at home. Perhaps you can take the train instead of driving, or turn off the television during the evening and write in your journal instead (see my recent blog post on this topic). Set aside 30 minutes a day for one month, ask yourself some important questions, and be prepared to learn some remarkable things about yourself.

Fewer Responsibilities

You may think that this sounds impossible. You might ask, “Who will take care of the kids, put food on the table, cook and clean and drive my ageing parents around?” These may be non-negotiable.  Or they might be delegate-able.  See which responsibilities can be passed on or shared with others.  For example, have each family member (of age) be responsible for dinner one night a week, even if it’s just sandwiches.  Ask yourself which projects, tasks, activities and other responsibilities are truly necessary.  Do you really have to mop the floor each night?  Maybe twice a week will do.  Do you really have to coach all three of your children’s soccer teams, as well as their hockey?  Pick and choose what’s really important to you, and make it clear that you only have room in your life for those responsibilities.

Learn to Say No

If you want a simpler life, you must learn to say no. In Simplify Your Life: 100 Ways to Slow Down and Enjoy the Things That Really Matter, author Elaine St. James says that people get into trouble because they agree to do things they really don’t have time to do. This leads to a constant state of being overcommitted and frustrated. Our culture makes it difficult for us to say no to requests to attend extra meetings, dinner engagements, or to take on new responsibilities. Many of us feel obligated to always be participating at a high level. We are proud of our high productivity and involvement, but it comes with a high price: a complicated life that leaves no time for you. St. James suggests that you actually schedule time for yourself on your calendar at the beginning of every month; when you are invited to participate in something, turn down the request because you already have a commitment.

Clear Away Clutter

Get rid of things you don’t use. Think of all the stuff you have acquired in the past five or 10 years. Most of it is designed to make life simpler, but in fact most of it brings along its own set of complications. Think of what typically happens when you buy a new electronic gadget: Consider all of the time required to earn the money to pay for it, shop for it, buy it, set it up, learn how to use it, fix the unexpected problems it causes with another gadget, and then the time you spend actually using it. Most of us have rooms in our houses filled with stuff that seemed like a good idea at the time, but ends up sitting on a shelf or in a drawer, unused. St. James suggests that you go through your house once each year and get rid of everything you haven’t used during the previous year.

She also has an idea for not acquiring new stuff in the first place. She suggests a technique called the 30-Day List. When you start thinking that you must have a certain product, add it to your 30-Day List and wait. At the end of 30 days, ask yourself if you really still need it. Chances are, you will have lost your enthusiasm for the product and will cross it off the list.

Take Action

What’s one action you can commit to, right now?  Decluttering you desk, your car, your bedroom closet?  Saying no at least once a week?  Making a list of what’s really important to you?  One small step begets another, you just have to get started!