For one thing, mistakes on a computer are pretty much infinitely undoable. Try something out; if you don’t like it, CTRL-Z and it’s like it never happened. I use a lot of push and pull in terms of object transparency, making sure that each element plays nicely with the others. There’s no slider that says how opaque your paint is. You can’t move elements around until they’re exactly where you want them.

As I worked on my little piece, I observed my own feelings and reactions towards it. Reluctance to experiment on something I’d already put a few hours into, fear of screwing up the hard work I’d already done, the “oh, shit” feeling when something failed miserably.

In painting, mistakes happen. I don’t care who you are. The difference between a painting mistake and a Photoshop mistake is that you have to take that mistake and transform it into something else. You can’t pretend it never happened, because there it is, mucking up your canvas. Rather than stepping back, you have to go deeper and find out what could possibly be valuable about the hot mess of pthalocyanine blue that’s smeared all over your precious canvas like a mutant brain (just for example). In my case it was that nail polish remover (i.e. acetone) can remove a good deal of acrylic paint that you don’t want to be there, but it can also melt together the bristles of your synthetic brushes. I ended up with a nice texture, though.

Not to get too philosophical about it, but I’ve been living my life in a very Photoshopped way since I moved to STL. Cautiously, timidly, not putting anything out there that I couldn’t immediately take back and pretend never was. Not getting messy. Living in a world of my own construction, rather than the one that IS.

Even though it happens in Photoshop occasionally, the thing that rewards risk-taking artists is the “happy accident.” The thing you couldn’t predict, couldn’t plan for, and possibly couldn’t replicate ends up being the one thing that unifies the whole piece or bumps it up from competent to transcendent. Every artist I know is thrilled about happy accidents, but rarely do they get to that point without making a few shitty accidents along the way.

I’m not breaking new ground here, just making a few observations that came up for me this weekend. Thinking about what it would be like to live a more painterly life. Wondering what happy accidents might come my way if I did.

A sort-of-weekly check-in where I go over the good and bad parts of my week. Credit for the idea goes to Havi Brooks. Join me?

The Hard:

I think I need a CPA.

But I’m not sure. As I delve more into this whole “art as a business” thing, every move I make seems to stir up more questions. I’m so paralyzed by my own ignorance that I don’t even know what questions to ask! Reading the Missouri Dept of Revenue website makes me simultaneously want to hyperventilate and fall asleep. My only comforts right now is that the amounts involved are so small as to be negligible, and as my husband pointed out, I have a whole year to figure this stuff out.

Rhythm. I can’t find it.

I am still having a hard time giving myself a daily structure that gives me time to do all the rest and self-exploration I longed for when I was working an 8-to-5. I still feel guilty about taking naps or journalling or working out, but “needing” to do something productive without knowing what that might be makes me resemble a hamster on an exercise wheel; I’m moving as fast as I can, but I’m not really getting anywhere.

Food is hard.

I’m doing pretty well at eating healthily, but between health and money it’s something I think about more than I’d like. Food should be a nourishing and comforting thing, not something that seems full of pitfalls and restrictions and guilt.

The Good:

An art sale!

My husbands company commissioned a piece from me! I gave them one copy gratis to use in an upcoming Facebook giveaway, and they’re buying another copy to give to their flagship product’s company. Even though it sent me into a tailspin regarding taxes and record-keeping and whatnot, it doesn’t change the fact that I. Sold. Some. Art. Yay! Plus, I have another Secret Commission I’m working on for a friend.

A fun new community.

I started taking an online class with Jennifer Louden, and the women in it are all delightful and fun and wise, and I’m really enjoying interacting with them on the Facebook page for the class. Maybe it’s a mini-prep for my Rally in June; learning to overcome the outsider complex and interact with some new people.

Body time.

Despite the rhythm problems above, I am getting better at asking what my body wants. “Oh, you want some tea? A nap? A walk? A bath? We can do that!” It doesn’t steer me wrong, and when my anxious mind tells me we don’t have time for that, I’m getting better at being curious and asking it, “Oh really? What else do we need to be doing right now?”

Have a restful weekend, everyone!

I like this version much better; it might be finished, or…?

A sort-of-weekly check-in where I go over the good and bad parts of my week. Credit for the idea goes to Havi Brooks. Join me?

The Hard:

Restlessness and discontentment.

The Hounds of More kept telling me that I wasn’t in the right place, doing the right things. Whatever I was doing, it seemed like there were about sixteen other things that needed my attention.

Homesickness.

I love our new apartment, but I really, really miss our Kansas City neighborhood. There were quiet streets filled with little bungalows. A crazy scrap metal sculptor who lived around the corner from us and sat welding odd creatures in his driveway in the evenings. Small front yards filled with gardens that people tended, not mowed. Sidewalks everywhere! Neighborhoods with crazy-fancy estates that you’d never want to own, but were sure fun to look at. I feel a little stranded in suburbia right now.

A wild blood chase.

Despite informing the blood donation center in Kansas City that I’d moved to St. Louis, they still called to see if I wanted to schedule an appointment. I assumed the address they gave me was in St. Louis, so I drove around for 45 minutes looking for a nonexistent street address (unless you’re in KC). I called to complain (nicely), which was not as satisfying as I’d hoped.

Money stresses. Which mostly got resolved/alleviated, but are never fun.

The Good:

Employment!

I’ve all but gotten the job at the St. Louis Art Museum that I applied for! It’s a part-time assistant mount-maker job; just enough hours to keep me occupied and engaged, not enough to lead to burnout. Plus, new learning curve + new people = good for Julia.

Books!

Even though the sidewalks here are sporadic, I can walk to our bank, two grocery stores, a few restaurants and…the library! I got my St. Louis County library card yesterday and a few books. I haven’t read in so long. Time to dive into something yummy and get lost for awhile.

Two artist dates.

I went to the botanical gardens and the zoo this week, enjoying the unseasonably warm weather. I started taking pictures again and I feel like my creative well was refilled. Plus, hanging around animals always = good. The zoo here is free, can you believe it?

My overall physical well-being is better.

I had a horrible day last week when I ate too much gross Chinese food too fast and then wished I could take it all back and cried when I knew I couldn’t. I said “NO MORE” and so this week I’ve been a lot more slow and conscious about how/what/when I eat. I’ve also been (gently) active almost every day; I seem to be having some success in dealing with my overdoing-it-and-then-spending-three-days-recovering pattern.

A lovely and restful weekend to all.

]]> http://www.juliabushue.com/flora-fauna/feed/ 2 http://www.juliabushue.com/flora-fauna/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/juliabushue/~3/oRNBaqbu2pI/ http://www.juliabushue.com/fun-with-patterns/#comments Sat, 21 Jan 2012 20:11:51 +0000 Julia http://www.juliabushue.com/?p=225 I’ve been doing this thing where I take pictures of the shadows of different pieces of art (one of my former coworkers suggested I call it shArt, but that’s another story). Today I was playing with those photos and creating patterns from them. This is a shadow cast by an African sword.

Here you can see the progression from the photo to a simple hex pattern to more complex variations.

I’m having way too much fun with this.

Part of this new phase of my life is a promise to be more creative. Right now, that means showing up to write 750 words every day and make at least one drawing. Self-portraits are good, as are blind contours and still lifes. I’m trying to get out of the “everything I do has to be perfect” mindset, which I pretty much inhabit 24/7 anyway. I’m doing a little bit of shiva nata again and taking time to recenter and “find my chi” as my husband calls it. Pretty soon I’ll be so compassionate and enlightened no one will be able to stand me ;-p

In honor of Havi Brooks’s weekly Friday Chicken…

What went well this week:

I made a killer tamale pie.

And of course, I already have ideas about how to make it better next time.

I had a really good meeting with the chief preparator and the mount-maker at the St. Louis Art Museum.

I’m applying for an assistant mount-maker position with them as we speak (I must go finish my cover letter after I’m done here!). I’m really excited at the prospect of filling in the gaps in my knowledge re: advanced soldering, welding, plexi-bending, etc. My mount-making experiences were some of my favorites at the Nelson; I love the aspects of problem-solving and aesthetics which are so close to those of creating any other work of art. Except this work of art is like a secret, because no one’s really supposed to notice it.  A secret work of art that protects and supports other art…seems like there’s a metaphor to be made in there somewhere.

Even though I’m not as consistently active as I was before the move, I worked out two or three times this week.

I’ve got a great elliptical playlist that lets me drift into zoned-out Neverland, and it’s enjoyable enough that I think I can keep it up. Oh, for the light to stay longer and the weather to get warmer! I’ve been neglecting my bicycle and I think its feelings are hurt.

I massively updated my collective internet-portrait to reflect my new location and vocation.

Every time I do this, it seems like there’s one more thing to pay attention to…”Oh, you updated Facebook and LinkedIn? Good for you, except you forgot about Twitter and Google+.” Not to mention rewriting a resume for the first time in three years…

What could have gone better:

Mini-breakdown about stupid body-image stuff a couple of days ago.

I know my body’s just adjusting to my new lifestyle and there’s a lot of hormonal stuff mixed up in there, too, but it doesn’t stop me from getting discouraged every once in awhile. I need to convince myself to stay off the scales until I have a chance to get in my new groove.

My stay-at-home rhythm is still a little jerky.

One day I’ll spend eight hours at the computer tweaking my website (or pinning things on Pinterest…shhh), the next I won’t even look at my studio because I’m too busy being Susy Homemaker. More often than not, I end up feeling guilty for the aspect of my life I neglected that day. I need a left-brain/right-brain balance that isn’t quite freewheeling through the day and isn’t quite a checklist of doom. A loving, supportive system that helps me navigate the day without feeling harried or lazy – or worse, that internet-hangover feeling that you get when you sign on to check your e-mail and surface after two hours of looking at pictures of cats in sneakers (or whatever). Havi Brooks has a great metaphor for getting on the computer: she compares it to going to the river for a picnic. You bring a list of what you need at the river, you take care of what you need to take care of, and then you leave the river. I would like to get better at this.

Basically, all kinds of perfectionist stuff is coming up for me.

I’m trying to be gentle with myself about this. I think that’s all I’m going to say about that.

Fun stuff on the internets:

Pinterest, You Are Drunk. Over-the-top and WTF-styled pins. Via the Bloggess.

Carved Book Sculptures by Guy Laramee.

More imaginative sculptures using everyday objects by Michel de Broin.

How did your week go? I hope your weekend is magical and relaxing. Me, I’m going to go make some pumpkin chili.

(On an unrelated note, I discovered that one of the fastest ways to identify clutter is by taking a picture of a room — the camera flattens everything out and makes it much easier to see all those things you’d normally overlook.)

My new role as a freelancer (although freeloader is more accurate right now) has taken some adjustment. The hardest thing to get used to is not being active all day — I probably walked at least 5 miles most days at the museum. I’ve been working out, but it’s something I have to consciously take time for, not something that just happens naturally. I’ve been cooking a lot and trying to take advantage of our clean slate to reevaluate my priorities. For once, I have time to stay on top of housework, which is new for me. I’m taking baby steps, like making the bed every morning and dealing with dishes as they come up, but it’s still all too easy for it to spiral out of control when I get caught up in something else. I decided my website needed an overhaul yesterday, so there went eight hours. I had fun doing it, but I was shocked at how quickly the day went.

In the “real” world, I’ve already got a few things lined up: I’m going back to the Nelson in March to help install the World’s Fair decorative arts exhibition, and I’ve (kind of) applied for a possible contract mount-making job here in St. Louis. I feel so much more qualified for those kinds of things now; before the Nelson, I wouldn’t have even had the guts to apply.

Two things that I’m committing to in this strange period of free time: more writing and more art. I hope you’ll see both here in the weeks to come.

In other news, I have a tentative definition of success, as I mentioned in my last post.

I will feel successful when:

• I am doing work that is integrated with my values of beauty, compassion, personal growth, time with loved ones, playfulness, and honesty.
• I am working in a beautiful, supportive environment with/for intelligent, compassionate, engaged people.
• I can see the positive difference that my work is making.
• I have a schedule that works with my natural rhythms and supports  a healthy, active lifestyle.
• I feel the satisfaction of overcoming challenges in a role that grows and changes with me.
• I have the financial stability to meet my obligations, as well as fund some meaningful luxuries and adventures.
• I can start and end the day talking to Nathan.
• I feel good-tired, rather than drained, at the end of the day (“spent” vs “depleted” as Pam Slim puts it), and excited to wake up in the morning and do it all again!

All kinds of monsters are saying, “Who do you think you are to set the bar so high?! You’d be happier if you weren’t so unrealistic.” They may be right, but I’m putting it out there anyway. There’s nothing to say it can’t change later.

Meanwhile, I’ll keep drawing cats in bed.