I love artists. I love the creative types more than I love the ocean, chocolate and wine. I love the creative types who CREATE. In this society, creating is brave. It can be risky, it can be terrifying. But it is the prime example of authenticity – the act of living your passion. It is envied, it is frowned upon. I’d love to say that authenticity is encouraged, but it’s just not popular enough. Sadly, there’s just nothing mainstream about living honestly and artists fall into that rare category of people who reject what everyone else expects of them. Any effort we have made as a society to encourage creativity has been pretty lame so far. We love to tell people “you’re unique!” until they announce that they’d rather be juggling than working as an accountant, a plumber or a police officer. “You’re out of your mind!”

I took a huge leap this year and decided that I want to surround myself with the arts. I’m not yet confident enough to forge my own artistic career (because I am still working on my skills). It will come – I’m learning, I’m studying, I’m growing. And it’s a beautiful process! But I know business. I know that there’s a huge gap between what artists do and the public who is craving art. And that gap is filled with misunderstandings about how to reach out to people who aren’t in the artsy circles, how to use social media, how to react to bad reviews. I opened a publicity business not to make artists rich but to bring more art to the public. Artists will make a better living as a simple side effect of getting larger audiences, more feedback, more attention. But what really matters to me is to make art more accessible. I’ll be writing an article about my new business later this week.

This weekend, I attended the Lumiere Festival. I met up with a good friend of mine Jessica Ruano (check out her blog).  Jessica was organizing the spoken word feature at the festival.  Since the weather was cold and windy, a lot of the performers gathered in the artist-only building (which I’ll refer to as the ‘green room’).  I accompanied her on several occasions as she went into the green room to meet up with the poets – and I could use a heated washroom instead of the porta potties which was sneaky on my part.

In the green room, there were magicians and poets and circus performers and dancers and actors.  And they were all rehearsing or pacing back and forth or taking off costumes, putting them back on, checking their props… sitting down to breathe.  And I know it sounds silly, but that was by far the most exciting part of the festival for me.  A brief look inside the world of performers… what beauty.  I was the luckiest girl at the festival.

So, I met a few of them and took out my video camera.  First off, we have the butoh performer, Annie Lefebvre (she is one of my clients…. wheeee!).  I asked her if her butoh performance at the Lumiere Festival was the same as the one she’d just performed outside at the Remic rapids a few days ago.  She explains to us that it was similar but that there’s a whole other vibe because the interaction (or lack of) water changes the mood and movement.  Though the interview is in French and the audio is poor, just look at her expressions.  Can you tell she’s a natural performer? 

Next, I asked Jessica if there were any French poets at the festival.  And that’s when she introduced me to Mehdi Hamdad.  I asked him to perform one of his poems for me and loved it so much that I asked him if I could videotape it and share it with all of you.  He reminds me of a young Jacques Brel – full of life and enthusiasm.  Words of love, life and joy.  It’s in French only.  You can learn more about Mehdi Hamdad by going to his MySpace profile.

Lastly, I went out for drinks and food with some of the performers after the festival ended.  Just as we were leaving, I ran across a group of performers who broke into song.  I absolutely had to share this with you.  I wish I had their names so if you know who they are (or if you want to be identified), contact me!  This one’s in English – enjoy!  It’ll make you want to snap your fingers and move your head and close your eyes and smile along with them.

So the next time I’m at a festival, I’m going to ask one of the performers or organizers for a sneak peek into their ‘green room’.  Sometimes, a lot of the magic is found behind the scenes. 

Related posts:

1. …of the day: The voices of artists
2. …of the day: introducing Abd Al Malik
3. Dear arts-related and non profit websites: why do you suck?

It took a bit longer to put this together but I finally managed to find the right song for it last night!  Here’s another video I put together of my time up north.  Enjoy.

Related posts:

1. …of the day: claymation video
2. …of the day: a northern storm
3. …of the day: the music in my life

Well, my photo collage for August is pretty boring! I spent most of the day in bed thanks to the cold I’ve had for over a week now. I missed the Pride parade and festivities that day, but I did manage to catch some of it on Saturday and it was fun.

Here it is (click to enlarge):

Photos taken on August 29th, 2010.

Related posts:

1. 101 in 1001: the May photo collage
2. 101 in 1001: the July photo collage
3. 101 in 1001: the June photo collage & other news

Oh love…
One of my most favourite films about love is The Tiger and The Snow. I won’t say more. Just read these quotes from the film.

“If she dies, they can close this whole show of a world, they can cart it off, unscrew thew stars, roll up the sky and put it on a truck, they can turn off this sunlight i love so much. You know why i love it so much? Because i love her when the sun shines on her. They can take everything away, these carpets, columns, houses, sand, wind, frogs, ripe watermelons, hail, seven in the evening, May, June, July, basil, bees, the sea, courgettes…”

“Fall in love. If you don’t love, it’s all dead! Fall in love and everything will come to life. Squander your joy, dissipate your cheerfulness, be sad and silent with enthusiasm, hurl your happiness into people’s faces. And how? Let me look at my notes. I’ve forgotten. (looks at notes) I can’t read ‘em. To convey happiness, you must be happy. To convey pain, you must be happy. Be happy, you must suffer. Don’t be scared of suffering. The whole world suffers. If you don’t have the means, don’t worry. Only one thing is necessary to write poetry: everything.”

“I told myself: ‘There must be people whose job it is to use the right words, put things in a way… who when their heart beats, can get other people’s hearts to beat.’ That day, I decided to become a poet.”

Related posts:

1. When a girl loves a girl

Because I have nothing to say, here’s a video of my cats being silly.  Because cat videos are a good distraction, yes?

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I think that blogging has changed the way some of us write. It changed it for me. It made me think more about what people might want to hear rather than what I had to say. It made me wonder what people would be interested in, rather than what was on my mind or in my heart. It made me wonder what potential employers might think of me if they googled my name. It made me hide parts of myself just in case. You know, in case “they” found out. New colleagues, new clients, relatives, anyone who would look at me differently if they found out.

If they found out that I’m a girl who loves girls.

Oh, it’s not a big deal right? We’re all used to ‘gayness’ nowadays. Gays on television, in radio, in politics, in movies, in the spotlight. We’re getting used to seeing images of men with men and women with women. Plus, gays and lesbians have far more rights now.

It’s not without struggle, however. I’ll have to come out in my new workplace at some point. From past experiences, that has been a big deal. Doctors always assume I’m straight – “are you sexually active?” yes. “any pain when the penis enters?” I’m a lesbian. “Oops”. Men who think they can convert you. Family members who secretly hope that one day, you’ll change your mind. It’s just a phase.

And then, there’s the shit to deal with within the ‘gay community’. “You’re not gay enough”. So what kind of things do you like? “Gay novels, gay films, gay clubs, Ani Difranco”. Right. Got any other interests?

I love women; I don’t care what that makes me. It’s my sexuality, it’s part of my identity, it doesn’t entirely define me. It’s simply my truth.

So let’s put politics and stereotypes and cliches and gossip and “should be’s” and “shouldn’t be’s” aside – in fact, throw them all out. Let’s just get back to that one thing that matters the most: love. Simply, love.

I have built walls before. I have built walls because like any other girl, I have insecurities. Unsure about this or that. Embarrassed and ashamed about something. Not good enough. Not pretty enough. You know them. We all have them.

One of the first nights she slept over, I had a dream. She was peeling the layers of me until she got to the core of who I am and I woke up. I guess that’s when I knew.

I loved her. And then, I found out that she loved me too. She loved me! Me! Me with all of my faults and flaws and fat and imperfections. And she loved me anyway.

But she didn’t want to.

Because sometimes a girl loves a girl and has never felt that way before. And all of a sudden, the image of that perfect wedding dress and tuxedo she’d picked out in a catalog in grade 8 just starts to fall apart. The white picket fence around the house full of kids, the smell of cologne, his razor, His and Hers towels. Hers and Hers? It doesn’t make sense. Any of it. Let’s just be friends ok? Let’s just be friends. Let’s just bury this somewhere because.. I can’t do this. I don’t want to be… this. I don’t want to be your girlfriend.

Dig.

Ok.

Sometimes a girl loves a girl and has felt that way before. And what was buried a while ago just resurfaces. Did it ever go away? Do you love me? Yes. Yes I do.

And even if a girl loves a girl and has felt that way before, it’s still too hard. And sometimes it has nothing to do with social pressure, nothing to do with loving another girl but everything to do with love itself. We build walls. Over time, we let people take them down, we rebuild stronger ones and then later, we just don’t care anymore. We don’t. As long as some little part of our logical plan in life is fulfilled – getting married, having kids, having a secure job, whatever – then who cares. As long as the person we’re with is tolerable and cute and decent in bed, doesn’t really matter if they take the time to know you. Besides, you get used to hiding. Hiding is safe. And then you meet someone who tears everything apart, and it’s intense and wonderful. But not wonderful enough. Not intense enough. Not allowed. Because no one else can break the prisons that we lock ourselves in.

I’m a girl who loves a girl who loves me back. But she doesn’t want to. And that’s why my heart hurts.

I write this because there are others like me and others like her. And sometimes love isn’t conventional at all. We easily make assumptions about the people around us. We think the couples we know are happy. We think the pretty girl in the room might be interested in us, when she’s really interested in your sister. We think the girl with the short hair is definitely gay – surprised and dismayed when she’s not! We think you have to love one or the other, not both. I will say only this: Fuck it.

We might only have the opportunity to fall in love with one, two or three people in our lifetime. Love happens rarely. And it might happen in the most unimaginable way possible. It might even happen with someone of the same sex. You never know. But the saddest thing that can happen is to try to frame and justify and sketch rules about who or what or why. Don’t. Just don’t.

Just love.

Because that urge, that feeling in your heart?  It won’t go away.  But you may never find it again.

Related posts:

1. Women’s studies, feminism and life as a girl

I caught some footage of a storm while I was up north.  The editing is horrible but I had so much raw footage to go through, I didn’t want to spend hours on it. 

Related posts:

1. …of the day: Winter in Northern Ontario

allez. j’ai pas le temps pour ce jeu.

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I’ve returned from my trip to Northern Ontario.  Unfortunately, I’ve come down with the worst cold I’ve had since I fought H1N1 for six weeks last year!  That’s why things have been so slow at my end.  But in the meantime, I thought I’d share a little journal entry I wrote while I was up north.  My time there was magnificent.. and revealing.  I had a lot of time to myself, time in nature, time with family.  Things make sense there – when you step away from the unnecessary complexities of the city, you can learn a lot more about yourself and about life.

“I just finished eating lunch by the lake.  A sandwich with cheese and mayonnaise and kielbasa.  And fresh cucumbers, too.  My parents brought over vegetables from their garden.  Even here, there are fist-sized tomatoes climbing the railing of the deck.

I ate my lunch while watching the wind stroke the landscape.  I could sit here all day, watching the waves rolling in, the leafs falling, the vultures flying overhead.

“While the sad wind goes slaughtering butterflies
I love you, and my happiness bites the plum of your mouth.” – Neruda

Just a moment ago, I ventured into the forest with my camera.  The vegetation was still sporting sparkly remnants of the vicious storm that had just passed.  Bubbles within bubbles within drops.  I was photographing a flower when I noticed a beautiful patch of green moss.  So I did what I enjoy to do best: I stood still and watched.  Within seconds, little sparks of life revealed themselves in that tiny patch of greenery.  A snail, a spider, a grasshopper, ants and what looked like tiny beetles.

I poked at the snail to see what it would do.  It thickened and its eyes retracted.  Almost the same kind of behaviour as a “rolly polly”.  And when I left it alone, its eyes extended outwards again.  When it felt safe, the snail delicately stretched out and slithered forward.

As I was finishing up my lunch, I thought about how very little I’d been thinking about my life in the city.  I’ve thought of people, but nothing else.  No interest in anything more complex than what fulfills our most basic needs.  Oh sure, I’ve thought about the subject of love but inasmuch as this is a retreat from the city, it is also a retreat from matters of the heart.

(Yeah right)

My thoughts turn to solitude.  I am alone right now.  There are other people nearby.  But, right now, I have the entire cabin, the pointe, the trees, the flowers, the boat, the grass and the deck all to myself.  People here aren’t afraid to be alone.  It’s normal, it’s ok, it’s safe.  The people are friendly and welcoming but they mind their own business.  I have gone from spending time alone to gathering with the locals around their campfires.

There are people here that are dying.  People with only a year or two left.  People waiting for surgeries, drugged up and in pain.  But around the campfire, there’s so much laughter and fun conversation – it’s as though they’re a huge family.  It makes sense to retreat to nature when you’re sick.  It makes sense to be somewhere that is slow-paced, where you can suffer quietly and then get together with people who understand.  People who don’t care about what you’re wearing, what you look like, what you’re eating, what you once did for a living.

So now, I don’t care either.  I don’t care about the rain falling on me while I’m fishing, I don’t care about the wind blowing my hair out of place, I don’t care if I’m all alone right now.  I love it here.

Yes, I love it here.

Related posts:

1. It’s not about the money, it’s about freedom.

It is non-fiction month and I’ve decided to give away one of my most favourite books of all.

I’m giving away a copy of Henry David Thoreau’s “Walden; Or Life In The Woods”.  It was my pick for book of the year in 2009 – you can read my blog article about that here: http://julielaurin.com/?p=470

It feels really appropriate for me to be giving this book away at this time.  I’m leaving tomorrow to spend a week in the North – away from civilization.

Your life can’t be unchanged after reading Thoreau.  His insight on life, his deep appreciation for simplicity and the beauty of his principles will end up influencing your thoughts in some way.  And they should be influenced.  We all need to reconnect with the things that really, really matter in life.

I’ve already written a great deal about Thoreau in my blog articles so I will only share a few quotes from the book to whet your appetite.

“I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”

“Say what you have to say, not what you ought.
Any truth is better than make-believe.”

“Let us first be as simple and well as Nature ourselves, dispel the clouds which hang over our brows, and take up a little life into our pores. Do not stay to be an overseer of the poor, but endeavor to become one of the worthies of the world.”

“The cost of a thing is the amount of what I call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run.”

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.”

So, you want to win a copy of this book?

To enter, you just have to do one of the following:

1) Leave a comment on this article.  Write anything you want.  Your comment automatically enters you into the draw.

OR

2) Follow me on Twitter and send me a direct message saying “I want Walden!”.

Deadline: 1:00pm EST, August 31st, 2010.  The winner will be notified by email.

Related posts:

1. 101 in 1001: the March book giveaway!
2. 101 in 1001: May book giveaway!
3. 101 in 1001: the June book giveaway!