I check my email so frequently that I look forward to spam just so I have something to delete.

Dear TV Programmers - give women’s beach volleyball its own channel. Some naysayers will scoff at the idea but we’ll make the girls read a poem about feminism after each match - that’ll win those intellectual-types over.

Someone tell bees that I’m not a flower. They swarm me like I’m somehow going to add to their stupid honey collection. I guess I should stop coating myself each morning in a thick layer of pollen but it does wonders for my pores!

Bears and humans may disagree on a lot of things but honey isn’t one of them.

The Internet is great but not because of its ability to bridge great distances and create an endless flow of communication. The Internet is great because when I absolutely needed to hear the original American gladiators theme song - I heard that shit after 0.14 seconds of googling.

Nitro! Blaze! Titan! Internet!

Sexual fetishes baffle me. What’s so great about having your balls stomped on by a prostitute in high heels? And why do girls get bent out of shape when I mention my sexual fetish – a midget dressed as a toddler that’s potty training. What’s the big deal, ladies!?

“Check out that chick’s ass!” is a more commonly spoken phrase than “Check out that old man’s ass!” The exception being when an old man’s ass is covered in birthday cake and poo.

Parrots solve a lot of puzzles to get their hidden food. Humans have to solve crazy puzzles to cook dinner so we’re like the kings of parrots. For years the parrots were the kings of humans because of their ability for flight but now we’ve got airplanes, parrots, so fuck you.

Shoes normally die of old age but stepping in dog poo is definitely a shoe heart attack.

This past weekend was the annual “Bring Your Asshole Pet to the Doolittle Shopping Center” event.

I can’t even begin to describe the asinine amount of morbidly obese couples who decided that today, of ALL days, was the best time to not only drag their crippled mutt from its doggy-bed to my Sear’s Customer Service counter, but also return their Zark Brand Homemade Pasta Machine.

It seems as though they were disappointed when, instead of healthy homemade pasta helping them lose weight and thereby see their toes or genitals for the first time in decades, they returned the appliance because they can’t follow instructions.

You see, Myrtle and Dwayne failed to read the very important bit that read, and I quote, “MUST COOK PASTA AFTER USING MACHINE”. These people are about as inept as the Karnatakan Congress!

I digress..

Not only am I completely fed up with human beings at this point, somehow I’ve grown to dislike the animal kingdom with a burning white heat. My trusty pet ferret Mindaugus aside, I could go without ever having to see another furry, four-legged, crotch-licking, anus-sniffing, haggard excuse for a life-form for the rest of my exemplary life.

My aversion to animals other than Mindaugus stems from their insufficient mental capacity. This could have something to do with their supposed “Master” treating them as though they were a true member of their “family”.

With Mindaugus and I, it’s more of an understanding than a blood-bound familial relationship. He knows that his TRUE duty is to rid me of the rats and mice that have been boring holes in my walls, effectively increasing my rent by 1.445x.

In his ferret-y eyes, I exist to fill his dish, clean up after his defecations and, once in a while, scratch the back of his ear where his minuscule little arms just aren’t able to reach. Truth be told…he does the same for me.

Either way, I’m going to make a STRONG case in front of the board of directors at the Doolittle Shopping Center to once and for ALL banish the annual “Hey, Moron! Bring Your Asshole Pet to the Doolittle Shopping Center” day.

The August sun is hotter than Hell which only means that the August videogames are hotter than Hell Hell!

Madden NFL 09

They keep cranking a new edition of this game year after year and I fail to see much improvement. I know that Steven Madden is the biggest name in the National Footwear League but this franchise needs to be taken out back and buried in a box. A shoebox.
Score = Shoes

Braid

French it, twist it and tighten up those cornrows in this Hannah Montana braid simulator for the Nintendo DS. Using the stylus can be difficult when you’re talking to boys, doing your nails and texting your girls all at the same time but the soundtrack from the Jonas Brothers more than makes up for it.
Score = OMG LOL

Bionic Commando Rearmed

I was incredibly upset when the bionic commando lost his arms at the end of the first game - so imagine my elation when Blizzard Studios announced they…rearmed him! The box art is laughingly poor but any chance us gamers get to take out the evil Dr. Wily is a welcome one.
Score = 9.999

Strong Bad: Episode One

More like Weak Bad – Episode Dumb. The controls stink, the graphics stink and the disc literally smells like rotten dumpster meat. I like the online comic strip that it’s based on but someone needs to tell those fellas to stick to making fun of videogames and stop trying to make them.
Score = 0.01

SIREN: Blood Curse

Simon Belmot is whipping his way back to Dracula’s Transylvanian Castle. Capcom has ditched the Metroid-style gameplay for something totally new. Think Rygar meets Super Dodgeball meets Sim Ant and you’re halfway there.
Score = 5.5

Geometry Wars 2

You’d think that a fighting game starring mathematical shapes would be boring. You’d think it’d sucked balls for breakfast. You’d be wrong. Isosceles Triangle’s uneven side attack is cool but look out for the totally lopsided moves of Rhombus!
Score = 3.14159265358979323846…

***Classic Uninformed Review***

Sonic The Hedgehog

Patience is a virtue in this turn-based strategy classic that brought dwarves and wizards from twenty-sided die to your TV screen. The graphics are outdated and new gamers might hate the sluggish pace but all you hogwart fans should count your Sonic blessings because there’d be no Harry The Potter without Sonic The Hedgehog!
Score = 100.5

A lot of people try to do sketch comedy and seem to rely on slick editing, music or beating the premise into the ground without payoff. Whitest Kids U Know is one of the few sketch groups around today that always find a way to establish clever premises and successfully twist them with a solid punchline.

They clearly take their time and develop their comedy. Enjoy this sketch.

Greetings, most gracious readers. As I sit here at my desk in the Customer Service Department at the Doolittle Shopping Center Sears, I’ve become quite clear of one thing: I would like to find someone.

My last real girlfriend was Loretta Chung. She didn’t seem to think my passion for 17th Century Central Asian Law was a good enough excuse to forget our first year anniversary. The nerve of some people. Truth be told, Loretta wasn’t really right for me.

It’s just so hard to meet that special someone among all of these knuckle-dragging Neanderthals. My standards might be what some call “unrealistic”, but I’ve never settled for anything in my 34 years of solitude, from my modest but sufficient apartment to my perfect pet ferret - Mindaugus.

I certainly don’t plan on settling on a life partner.

Speaking of Mindaugus, I need to find him a more suitable living container. I got home last night after a grueling eight hours of getting RETURN after RETURN after RETURN of a recently recalled baby pacifier, which was said to have traces of rat excrement, when I stumble upon Mindaugus just laying on his back, staring at the top of his cage with that far away stare - looking off into sweet oblivion.

I’ve seen that look before…

Every time I glanced into a reflective surface and caught a glimpse of my mug before I moved in to this apartment. Let’s just say my previous living arrangement was…undesirable to mind, body and ferret.

I digress.

To all the females - I wish to extend an invitation. If you’d like to spend evenings with a man and his ferret, discussing the pros and cons of Peruvian Prime Minister Jorge Del Castillo, then you’re the one I’m looking for. Just come down to the Customer Service Department at the Doolittle Shopping Center Sears Store.

So help me God, though, if you’re returning a pair of elastic waist pants that you thought your “big boned” grandmother would love…don’t bother.

Attention-starved dumpster Lindsey Lohan and her lesbian partner DJ Samantha Ronson are spreading the rumor that they’re engaged. And no one cares. Pretending you’re a lesbian to get publicity is more desperate than adopting a foreign baby and making a sex tape. With the baby.

An Iraqi man was recently discovered as being gay and was punished by three days of gay sex. Based on that logic, when an unsuspecting mother walks into her son’s bedroom assuming he’s playing Final Fantasy 7 and finds him masturbating, she has to spend the next three days jerking him off. For the record, I now have a close relationship with my mother and I finally beat FF7.

Miley Cyrus and a friend posted a video making fun of fellow Disney Channel tween idol - Selma Gomez. It is well known amongst us fans that there’s an unspoken rivalry between the two pubescent divas. It is also well known that I am writing this behind bars because I made the unfortunate mistake of pairing the words, “nice” and “boobies” under their respective YouTube channels.

Shia LaBeouf finds himself amidst some controversy after being arrested for driving while intoxicated. The incident has delayed shooting on Transformers 2 and George Lucas might not use him in the next Indiana Jones. The doctors told him that regardless of the accident and subsequent fallout, he’ll always remain a Costco-sized box of douches.

ABC News’s Martin Bashir, famous for his exploitation documentary on Michael Jackson, made some disturbing remarks during a speech celebrating minorities in journalism. After referring to some audience members as “Asian babes” he proceeded to thank his podium for hiding his erection. I still don’t understand what the problem is because Asian babes are hot and I’m hard as a rock every time I pick up my dry cleaning.

Bernie Mac passed away a couple of days ago and his presence will be sorely missed. Mac had an incredible comic persona that oozed confidence, command and power. He spoke with the tenacity of an evangelical and could whip a crowd into a similar fervor.

The video above shows Mac absolutely owning the audience at Def Jam and regardless of what you think of his material or the lame movies he subsequently starred in, the guy had an undeniably powerful, positive energy about him.