Jumbo Joke: Humor the Way You Like It

Science, Explained II

From my files, dated May 1996. They're supposedly real exam answers given by fifth- and sixth-grade students. (Science Explained I, posted earlier this year, is here.)

The Jumper

Bob walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was just coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building about to jump.

Um, We Meant "President"

French president Nicolas Sarkozy lost his re-election bid, and MSNBC showed him giving a press conference Monday (May 7, 2012) to speak about the change of leader.

Unfortunately, MSNBC showed the wrong "Chyron" -- or on-screen graphics -- to tell viewers who he was:

Stop the Presses!

An editor at the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review literally ordered the presses to stop on Friday, May 4 2012 after seeing this rolling off the press:

Stupid Resume Tricks

Things people actually put on their resumés (or cover letters). I weep for all mankind.

I am very detail-oreinted.

My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

The Shoe Box

This one was sent to me by my wife. I'm wondering if I should worry....

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A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other — except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

School Exam Answers

We've had some of these before. This is a new (and recent!) batch.

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Q: What is a vibration?
A: There are good vibrations and bad vibrations. Good vibrations were discovered in the 1960s.

Punographics

Puns: the lowest form of humor.

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I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How Banks Work

This was first published in April 1957, but it's still strangely pertinent to banking practices today....

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Q: What are banks for?
A: To make money.

Q: For the customers?
A: For the banks.

Q: Why doesn't bank advertising mention this?
A: It would not be in good taste. But it is mentioned by implication in references to reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts. That is the money they have made.

If the TV Dinner Wasn't Invented Until the Computer Age

The TV Dinner was invented in the 1950s, when the big tech thing in the home was the television. What if the TV Dinner wasn't invented until the computer age? Obviously, it would have to be a product of Microsoft.

The Thimble (a Parable)

One day, a seamstress was sewing while sitting next to a river, and she dropped her thimble into the water. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.

Actual Obituary for Michael Blanchard

As published in the Denver Post on April 12, 2012:

Blanchard, Michael "Flathead"
1944 ~ 2012

Support Your Candidate!

Passed along by a buddy in Washington DC -- an avowed "stinking liberal".

The Sailor and the Pirate

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg leg, hook, and eye patch, the sailor asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg leg?"

Heaven and Hell for Writers

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell. She decided to check out each place first.