Jumbo Joke: Humor the Way You Like It

Warning: Read this Warning

Supposedly true warning labels from real products. Do I believe they're really true? Sadly, yes, I do....

Confessions from Your Doctor

Supposedly true reports by doctors. I don't really believe the "true" part, but they're still pretty funny.

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A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

The Airline Pilots

Passengers on a small plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them the pilots will be there soon, and then the flight can take off.

Finally the entrance opens, and two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a white cane.

Mom - Job Description

For all the moms out there, including mine. Happy Mother's Day this Sunday!

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Position:
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy

Job Description:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

Deaf Newlyweds

One of my old favorites....

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Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing.

High Stakes Poker

Six retired Floridians play high stakes poker in the condo clubhouse.

A member of the group, Meiers, loses $5,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Tips for a Happy Marriage

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

All Dogs Go To Heaven

A church sign "fight" between a Roman Catholic church and a Presbyterian church.

More Real Court Transcripts

Some funny transcripts are going around again. We've culled the duplicates from what we already published way back in 2005, with more evidence of lawyers' (and sometimes their clients') intelligence and abilities.

The Armless Bellringers

There was a monastery in France at the edge of a cliff overlooking a beautiful valley, and because its bells could be heard over such a wide area, it developed a reputation for attracting only the finest bellringers in the country.

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

A contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win the million dollars. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.

The Ultimate Response to a Dear John Letter

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

The Moral of the Story

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher gives the students homework: think of a story and then tell the moral of that story.

The IRS Audit

This was sent to me by -- yes -- my tax man. A fitting follow-on to Monday's item.

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The Internal Revenue Service decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to an appointment with the toughest auditor in the office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The Cowboy and the IRS Genie

When my buddy sent this to me, he left in the comment attached by the friend who had sent it to him: "The truth is often brutal and not kind." (For foreign readers, the IRS is our federal tax agency. Today -- April 15 -- is our traditional Income Tax Return Due Day.)

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A modern-day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie. "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS lawyer genie!"