Bye Bye, Pie! tag:typepad.com,2003:weblog-1487594 2012-02-23T10:52:20-05:00 The dumbest blog you'll ever come across. Yep. That about sums it up. TypePad The point is... tag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a00e54f9367fb8834016762d96ba9970b 2012-02-23T10:52:20-05:00 2012-02-23T10:54:55-05:00 Faithful Reader Mrs. ridiculous Oh made this. She is berserk. Speaking of my dogs, and I know you are all happy I just started that way, last night we played a rousing game of where's the treat, where I hide... June Gardens

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Faithful Reader Mrs. ridiculous Oh made this. She is berserk.

Speaking of my dogs, and I know you are all happy I just started that way, last night we played a rousing game of where's the treat, where I hide treats around the house like it's dog Easter, because it was raining and Edsel was getting distinctly nervous about the thunder.

IMG_0554Tallulah yesterday afternoon, when the weather was getting ominous. She senses weather with her tongue. Like a snake.

All his life, which is, you know, a year and seven months but still, he has never acted nervous about thunderstorms, and then last night he kept looking at me with a concerned expression, and placing his head on my lap.

My POINT is, I started the game to distract him, and he kept finding the treats, but sometimes they fall out his mouth, because his bottom teeth don't exactly line up. I don't know if you've ever noticed this. He has a bit of an underbite.

100_1099Edzul do?

So AGAIN, getting to the POINT, and now I sound like my college roommate, who would take 96 hours to tell a story and then say, "But the point is..." and at that point you had hung yourself from a noose seven hours previous.

The TREATS kept falling out his MOUTH, and even though he found them fair and square, Talu would swoop right under him and eat the fallen food. I felt so bad for him that eventually I just GAVE him treats without making him look for them.

But you know what happened? Do you? He was lording over a treat, and Talu came over in her usual bossy way, and Edsel STOOD HIS GROUND. He got right over it and showed her his fierce fangs and he GROWLED. At TALU! No one growls at Talu.

And you know she crumpled like a house of cards? She kept looking at him out the side of her face, like, You sereeus? But he was. He was sereeus. I have never seen Eds take a stand before.

Oh, dear, I hope they don't kill each other in a turf war now.

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It'll probably be okay.

In other news, I am cat-sitting for Tall Boy this weekend.

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Ohmygod, I just had the best idea. I should get him a new blanket. Like, a Hello Kitty blanket or something. Replace that awful one he has.

I am linking a lot today. I am the missing link.

My POINT is, and wow, I really cannot get to any points today, he took me to lunch to thank me in advance.

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Yeah, dude! We totally went to Sonic. What's poppin'? My arteries.

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Oh.hell.yeah.

And yes. Tall Boy IS a vegetarian, and he got jalapeno poppers and onion rings. And I introduced him to the cranberry lime-aid, which is the best invention on God's planet.

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June. Influencing the diets of healthy vegetarian people since 1965. When she eschewed formula and ordered a pizza.

Anyway, he says I can totally look through his things while I cat sit, and what say we have a total All Things From Tall Boy's House day on this blog? Fun!

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I wonder what color coat he'll take on his trip?

Anyway, I guess that's all I have to tell you. TB loaned me a book written by Jeffrey Dahmer's father and it is riveting. I have work to do today and all I want to do is keep reading that book. Can you imagine? You're a normal person and you raise a serial killer who is also a cannibal and oh! Also a necrophiliac?

Dear Mom,

Things could be worse.

Love,

June

Okay, going. I got an email that my workout videos are on their way. Am I thin yet?

 Pieces of Wisdom. Gone with the Febreze. tag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a00e54f9367fb8834016762c9ad3c970b 2012-02-22T09:44:40-05:00 2012-02-22T09:44:40-05:00 We pretty much don't need a lot of dry-erase board use for yesterday's Pieces of Wisdom question, which was how much do you enjoy socializing and how much do you enjoy staying in. This is good, because as you can... June Gardens

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We pretty much don't need a lot of dry-erase board use for yesterday's Pieces of Wisdom question, which was how much do you enjoy socializing and how much do you enjoy staying in.

This is good, because as you can see, I had trouble finding a marker that would work on my board. I do not know what happened to the nice marker that came with it but I blame Marvin or Edsel. Perhaps they worked in cahoots. My point is, almost all of you said you were homebodies, which was coming to me as home [space] bodies and home[hyphen]bodies and finally I had to yell at you in the comments. ONE WORD! IT'S ONE WORRRRRRRRD.

June's blog. Come to get yelled at. Stay to get yelled at.

After awhile, and someone noted this in the comments, too, after your hair returned from its blown-back position from my yelling, that people who read blogs may be, you know, introverts in general. Wouldn't the annoying extroverts be out there partayying and hobnobbing and guffawing it up as we speak, with no time to sit in a room and read a blog?

Also, those trash bags that they scented with Febreze make me want to hurl. I realize that was kind of, you know, HEY! from nowhere, except I just put a new trash bag in here and blurrgh.

Febreze. What an annoying name. What is it even short for? A February breeze? Because in general those are sort of unpleasant.

Anyway, thanks for participating. June's readers. Hating people and social activities since birth. Enjoying their pajamas since middle age.

Okay, SOME people were gadabouts. But not many. You all basically said okay. I will go out on weekends, MAYBE. But weekdays? Forget it. And last-minute stuff? Bite me. Oh and whatever you do, please drop in. We all adore that. PEG.

In somewhat related news, I went out last night. 

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My friend Jo, featured above, here, wearing a cool coat from my other friend Kit's vintage shop, had a book-up. I really like that coat. I wish I had a job, because I'd totally get a cool vintage coat that the pets could shed on.

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A book-up is a thing I think she invented, but it's where a bunch of people get together and read. I am not making that up. We met in a restaurant, introduced ourselves, got out our books and read. We were at several different tables at the restaurant, and we varied in age from 17 (the 17-year-old brought a Kindle) (I am so plebeian) to, you know, middle-aged. In the prime of life. I like to say. I'd be wrong, but still.

I was reading a book my friend Dot sent me, called It Looked Different on the Model, and why did I have to bring a funny book to the book-up? Because everyone was over there reading normal books, and deep books, and there I was, all bent over in hysterics. She has a chapter on this woman who whipped out her breastical at a party, ostensibly to breast-feed, except there was no baby in sight, ever, the entire time her breast was out, and oh, I was dying. DYING. Like I am dying here next to the Febreze bag. And I'm certain I wasn't annoying or distracting. Like the Febreze bag.

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Jo made me a certificate of excellence for my blog. I was awarded for my exceptional petspeak.

100_1118iris give you petspeek. you wash iriss. @#@% you, mom. Ther you petspeek.

Someone might have, you know, not dropped Mrs. Brown off at the sandbox in a manner that was entirely 100%. And therefore someone may have been dunked in a sink of soapy water. For a while. 'twasn't pleasant.

Look at her teensy foot. Her teensy outraged foot.

Anyway.

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After the book-up, Jo and I had coffee across the street, and I feel the need to mention the restaurant and coffee shop were right next door to where my dot dot dot friend lives. I am afraid I sent a disclaimer email before the evening began.

Dear Dot Dot Dot Friend,

I am going to be at a restaurant 20 feet from your apartment. I am not stalking you. XO, June.

I mean, I felt like I had to clear that up. You know? Why he gotta live somewhere so centrally located? Anyway he was all, ...yeah. Okay. Would not have thought that you were.

So then I mentioned how he should not be alarmed by the cherry picker outside his window with me in it. Just happened to be there, too. Why I gotta go too far? With the jokes? (Oh, good. Now someone can leave a comment about how annoying my personality is again, and how I'll never catch a man as a result.)

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Also, when I was stalking Iris to get a photo of her wet humiliation, I took a picture of my own self in the mirror, because what's unobnoxious? It's a photo in a mirror. That is what is unobnoxious. Anyway I like it.

I did finally catch that poor kitten and, you know, towel her off. I didn't just get involved with myself in the mirror and let her parade on the wood floors in all her soppiness. I forgot that long-haired cats get this delightful condition every once in awhile. And the part where I have selected short-haired cats has come rushing back to me with remarkable clarity.

Okay, I must go. I have A LUNCH DATE and yes. Another day with a social obligation in it. Perhaps I will talk about Iris' butt the entire time. This could guarantee me more down time.

Go on with ya!

 Sadly, every Tuesday is fat Tuesday, over here. Oh, but I brought Pieces O' Wizzdom back! tag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a00e54f9367fb8834016301c6c1b2970d 2012-02-21T11:02:00-05:00 2012-02-21T11:02:00-05:00 When did Monster become such a crappy site? It used to be the first place I'd go to look for jobs, and now they list nothing. What happened to it? Does anyone have any good ideas for looking for jobs?... June Gardens

When did Monster become such a crappy site? It used to be the first place I'd go to look for jobs, and now they list nothing. What happened to it? Does anyone have any good ideas for looking for jobs? I go on Indeed and SimplyHired, those are good. Cragislist here is only a scam. In LA they listed actual jobs. I wish Craigslist would be more, you know, fussy about who advertises on there.

Not that I am not swamped. Do you know there has not been one day since I got laid off that I haven't had work to do? I guess that's good, right? Although to tell you the truth it's been kind of stressy. It's like, ohmygod I have all this work to do and ohmygod will I have work to do next week and also will I have a house next month?

So. Stressy. Is what I am. And if one more person asks if I have heard back from that company Ima come over there and dance the entire Latin hustle on your dinner table. While I am naked except for baseball cleats. It won't be pretty, I assure you. In case you were thinking, Oh! That might be pretty! What a lovely centerpiece that might make for my daughter's wedding!

And I've had a lot of social engagements, too. I think people must feel sorry for me, which, you know. Go ahead. I don't blame you. But I also have not had one day since I got laid off where I have not had the option to go somewhere.

This has all made me cranky. I know. I am a delight.

I wish I just had a day, A DAY, where I could keep to myself. You know? With no commitments or obligations or obligations that I am turning down. You'd think being single and unemployed would garner me just exactly that sitch but in fact it has garnered me the opposite.

Which leads me to a pieces of wisdom, which someone in the comments said I should bring back, and I am sorry, person in the comments, that I do not remember who that was and do not feel like combing through 8,000 Downton Abbey comments to find.

But I used to ask you a question on Tuesday, and you would answer it, and then on Wednesday there'd be a Pieces of Wisdom Wednesday, see, where I often held up a dry-erase board with your statistics. Eleven percent of you prefer rainy days. Remember that exciting Pieces of Wisdom? Half of you are on Team Francis. That sort of thing.

Today's Pieces of Wisdom Q is, do you get cranky when you have too many social obligations? I mean, you might think I am a total extrovert, and in fact I am not. I like going out and doing things, but if I had plans, say, two nights in a row, I had better have nothing to do on night three or Ima be one cranky heifer at your third-night event. I need my alone time.

On the other hand, I know someone {...dick whitman...} who does stuff pretty much every night, and who schedules me a week in advance. "You doing anything next Thursday? I thought we'd see a movie." Next THURSDAY? Who the hell even THINKS about next Thursday? Yeah. Okay, dude. Whatever.

I mean, he comes home from work, and leaves again just to go hang in coffee shops. I'm all, you're HOME. Safe in the bosom of your abode! Why would you want to LEAVE again?

So tell me. Which do you prefer? Doing something and being with people as often as possible (this sounds to me like Faithful Reader Joann)? Seeing people as little as possible (FR Siren)? Seeing people on a set schedule, like, "We have dinner with our friends every Thursday. If they dropped in on Tuesday I'd get hives"?

Tell all.

 You only have one nondoughnut hand. Use it wisely. tag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a00e54f9367fb88340168e7af1a7b970c 2012-02-20T11:54:28-05:00 2012-02-20T11:58:20-05:00 That title comes from my Krispy Kreme cup which is currently on my desk. Let's discuss the part where I just got an effing doughnut and yet also just spent $104 on The Tracy Anderson Method after watching an infomercial... June Gardens

That title comes from my Krispy Kreme cup which is currently on my desk. Let's discuss the part where I just got an effing doughnut and yet also just spent $104 on The Tracy Anderson Method after watching an infomercial at 1:00 in the morning. Okay, technically I just spent three easy payments of $29.99 plus shipping, which was $470.

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Yes, this is totally a photo of me and not Tracy Anderson. I was just parading around here in my heels and enormous bikini top. And fringe.

And I KNOW I'm unemployed. That part crossed my MIND, okay? I was sitting there last night, thinking about how I should really go to bed, having watched Signs on one of those stupid movie channels that still has commercials every six minutes and why do we bother with those horrid channels when (a) there are movie channels that DON'T break for commercial every six minutes and (12) we could RENT movies such as, oh, Signs for five cents through Netflix?

I had forgotten that that was a really scary movie, by the way. Holy cats. Sometimes that M. Night Shamalamadingdong gets it right. I learned to call him Shamalamadingdong from Howard Stern.

Oh by the way, hi. I am all over the place today.

But I wasn't TIRED yet, because I have been unemployed for three weeks now and the wild boar has taken over the domesticated pig and my night-owl self has totally returned, so there I was, looking through channels, and things were a LOT EASIER back when we had to stand up and physically turn the dial and all we got were channels 12, 5 and 25.

Maybe at your house you got three different channels. But you know what I mean. Once we started to have all this crap to look at is when this whole country fell apart and we all became porn addicts and got all our exercise off the TV.

So there was Tracy Anderson, whoever that is, and they'd corrected the SHIT out her face with makeup and lighting, which was irrelevant because they kept showing real women saying, "Three months ago I looked like June." Then they'd show a lumpy person. "Now I look like this!" And they'd show a person who looks like Tracy Anderson.

And that was all it took for me to spend $104 that I do not have, but at least I have all the time in the world to do the 79 workout DVDs that are coming, right? I'd ask you all to order the Tracy Morgan DVDs and do it with me, but remember when we all got on board with Jillian Michaels and her nostrils and I gave up after day three and you poor people who actually meant it were all, "Twenty-seven days! I feel great! ...anyone?"

So that was LAST night, when I was determined to not be fat anymore and to look like Hans Christian Andersen or whomever, and then today I had to take Edsel to the vet.

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Even  though, as you can see, we were BURIED under a SEVERE STORM yesterday.

100_1112"#@@&$#."

That's my daffodil, there, swearing like a chilly sailor. I had 20 or 30 daffodils, and am getting mixed reports about whether they'll live.

IMG_0522Also swearing was Edsel, who was getting his rabies shot and his distemper because his temper had been dissed.

The vet said he looks good, and he's filled out this year, and "He's cute because he's so goofy-looking."

IMG_0526"#$@$@*&."

So on the way home, I was starving half to death, because it was 11:00 and I hadn't eaten yet and God forbid. I stopped at Krispy Kreme, and I realize I am the only person who likes or even GETS the bagels at Krispy Kreme, but I was all excited and guess what.

GUESS WHAT.

They don't serve bagels anymore. So I was FORCED to get a blueberry doughnut, which is an antioxidant, and I realize Tracy Chapman has her work cut out for her, with these DVDs, and she.better.work and yes, the onus is on her, not me.

Anyway, when said DVDs get here I will be sure to let you know how it goes. And by "it" I mean the part where said DVDs sit darkly under my TV in the cabinet.

 Did you hear Whitney Houston died? tag:typepad.com,2003:post-6a00e54f9367fb88340168e79fff79970c 2012-02-19T11:21:36-05:00 2012-02-19T11:21:36-05:00 I know this was covered ad nauseum in my comments yesterday, but maybe you're one of those people who doesn't read my comments, to which I say, "?" And also, "!" Because not reading my comments is like only eating... June Gardens

I know this was covered ad nauseum in my comments yesterday, but maybe you're one of those people who doesn't read my comments, to which I say, "?" And also, "!" Because not reading my comments is like only eating the hard outside of the Oreo. You don't get the really bad-for-you hydrogenated deliciousness inside.

Yesterday was Whitney Houston's funeral, and even though I had seven hundred thousand four hundred and twelve pages to edit of that book I was given at the last minute, I thought I'd tune into it for a minute.

Three hours and 40 minutes later, it was still going on. Whose funeral lasts that long? I would have been ordering in a pizza had I been at that event.

There were a lot of touching things, actually. Kevin Costner said good stuff and it made you like him. As did Tyler Perry, and I KNOW. Who knew he was likable? But the part that I could not get over was the woman in the crowd with June hair.