~"Just Relax!"~

Come Join Me!

2011-07-18T21:47:00.001-07:00

I've moved, and am updating like nobodies business!
Please join me over at www.3bed2bath1baby.blogspot.com!!

Please?

reminder!

2011-06-19T18:49:00.001-07:00

I've moved!

Please come follow me over at www.3bed2bath1baby.blogspot.com!

Reminder- Contest and New Blog Site

2011-06-03T20:16:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! Just a reminder, I've moved the blog to it's new permanent address,

3 Bath, 2 Bed, 1 Baby.

There is also a contest going on over there! It's open until Sunday, and right now, your chances are strong that you could win! See the details here.

I'd really like to move everyone from this blog over there, but so far it's slow going! I don't want to lose anyone, so follow the new one, and put your name in the contest!!

New Blog Title- And a Contest!

2011-05-31T19:31:00.000-07:00

Hi Kids! I finally got around to importing this blog into the permanent address!

Please take a moment to come on over, follow me on the new blog, as I won't be updating this one, other than to heckle you to follow me at the new site!

The New Blog Site is www.3bed2bath1baby.blogspot.com

To make this move even sweeter, a CONTEST!!! (and I learned some logistics from the last one!)
You get one entry for each of these things:
1. Mention the new blog in your blog. To qualify, the link must be in a comment on the new blog on the Contest Post.
2. "Follow Me" on the sidebar widget on the new blog (then leave me a comment saying you've done that!)
3. Get a friend to follow the blog! To be eligible for this entry, the new person must follow me and leave a comment. THEY must also post another comment crediting you.

Each entry MUST be documented by you in a comment. Also, please make one comment PER entry (so, if you do both, I need 2 separate comments). This will be how I will keep track this time. (Which will work SO much better!)

What do you win???

Your choice of ONE the following:
1. 20 HPT Tests from Early Pregnancy Tests
2. 20 OPK Tests from Early Pregnancy Tests
3. $20.00 Gift Card from Home Depot or Lowes

Contest will be open until Sunday, June 5th at 5 PM PST. Remember, I'm human. I will do my best to be fair (and will use a random number generator to choose the winner.) If you do not make clear comments, I'm not responsible.

12 Week Ultrasound- 1st Trimester Screening

2011-05-31T18:19:00.000-07:00

Today was my 13 week ultrasound (though I'm 12w3d). Here's what happened:

1. Heartbeat strong at 154bpm
2. Moving around LIKE CRAZY! it was wild how the ultrasound tech would push at it, and it would just flip around, and move it's hands, and all that, wow.
3. Looking good for the lower downs syndrome risk, 2x less risk than before (meaning the space on the back of the neck is growing appropriately), measurements are looking great (measuring 12w6d)
4. Lower blood pressure (I've been walking more) and it wasn't bad to start with.
5. Baby flipped several times, so no gender guessing for this girl!
6. Lost a pound since my last appt, making my total weight gain 3 pounds for the first trimester, which you'd never guess with the expanding belly-ness happening.
7. Baby actually LOOKS like a baby. Hands, feet, face! Wow! It's finally getting real!
8. My belly is definately a baby, they were ultrasounding right below the belly button, so maybe I'll actually post a belly pic.
9. Trisomy 13 testing- took blood today, will hear back in 10 days if something is wrong, or if they need more stuff. Otherwise, my next draw/ultrasound is in late June.

And now the obligatory pictures!

Lime Week!

2011-05-26T19:55:00.000-07:00

I've been a slacker about posting, I apologize! This week begins "Lime Week" where the fetus is as big as.. well, you know. I'm finally getting on the end of the first trimester, the second starts on Sunday.

I have my first trimester screening on Tuesday, my thoughts being I'd like to know as early as possible if I should be researching Downs/Other Complications. For inspirational reading, I've been reading over at Enjoying the Small Things. I'm not expecting complications, but I can't tell you how much peace it gives me to read about a family how is thriving with the challenges of that child who has Downs Syndrome. (And gosh, she is SO cute!)

Another reason I've been lax in updating is that we bought a house. We love it, it's gorgeous, and I will update with photos. Along with every single life event, how else do I celebrate, BUT MAKE ANOTHER BLOG???? 3 Bed, 2 Bath, 1 Baby is up and running, without any posts, but with some fun tabs that are growing! If you are interested in the adventures of First Home Home buying, remodeling, projects and such, please do follow me over there. As we get closer to taking possession, I will be updating there. I also plan to merge this blog with that one at some point near the end of the summer.

Love you all!

Pregnancy Equates to Comfort

2011-05-15T13:23:00.000-07:00

To offset my bitterly posted blog of yesterday, I shall now provide you with a glimpse into my life.

I'm now 10 weeks along, and have been blessed with a pretty decent pregnancy. Fatigue? Yup. Nausea? Yup. Throwing up? Rarely (and I blame my main event with a pregnancy craving of macaroni, where I ate too much to be justified by a fetus's hunger.) From the beginning, I've said that I will take pregnancy hardships with a smile, and I've done well.

One thing I was dreading? Maternity clothes.

What a bum rap these clothes get. People think "Oh, I'll look ugly," or "I'll look fat in them." I was blessed to have a friend/co-worker how had quite a few clothes that she passed on to me, with the understanding that I would then pass the clothes on to someone else. Thankfully, it has saved us a lot of money, not having to buy them myself. I have a huge tupperware box full of clothes that I have been looking at for the past couple of weeks.

Finally, today, I had it. I want to be comfortable, instead of trying to pretend that my trunk was growing :) I tried on pair after pair of jeans and khaki's. Here is the best kept secret of maternity clothing.

It is the most comfortable clothing you will ever wear. No wonder Michelle Duggar is pregnant all the time. She knows the secret, pregnant mothers, uncomfortable in their own bodies at times, have the most comfortable clothes to offset it!

Now that the secret is out, I'll be wearing maternity jeans for the next 10 years. Pregnant or not.

Last night, Jon had a dream we had a daughter. I'd be thrilled with either, of course, but I do have a leaning toward having a daughter. Either way, I'm excited to find out the gender in 2 short months, so I can start thinking about a theme for the nursery, and really start drooling over little things.

Infertility not forgotten

2011-05-14T14:47:00.000-07:00

Sadly, over the past few weeks, several people that have blogs I am following are talking down about us infertiles who are now pregnant.

I caught myself for a couple days feeling guilty for finally getting pregnant. As if, now that I am pregnant, the past two years of infertility treatments, surgical procedures, medications and invasive procedures are now discounted.

Now, I'm not going to say that I didn't get sad or frustrated when people got pregnant, because that would be a lie. However, when my fellow infertiles finally hit the jackpot, I had to rejoice with them. (After I sent a little thought of "ok, my turn" into the universe.)

For a moment, I was doubting about continuing to talk about my pregnancy in this blog, due to a recent post of a blog I just read about how I'm (I'm=pregnant people) smug about my new found pregnant body. How these newly pregnant people now just post about their pregnant body symptoms, their cravings, nausea or whatever.

For two years, I've wanted to blog about these very things. I've watched as others have posted their weekly updates, and longed for the chance to be nauseous or endure incredible fatigue. I've commented on fellow infertile's blogs who got pregnant, but I've not publicly shamed them for sharing with the world their struggles and triumph. It's karma, I suppose. And guess what? It's my time.

This is not me being smug. I've put in my dues, and if there is any doubt, check out the "My Journey" tab, and you will realize that I am not just a Duggar mom, pushing out babies, or complaining when it took me only 2 months to get pregnant. 2 years later, I AM relishing in my pregnancy, I AM enjoying the idea that in less than 7 months, I will be holding a little life that we both worked so hard for.

I have no doubt that I will do the same things that I lovely mocked. Yes, my baby is the size of a fruit. I mocked, but in a tongue-in-cheek manner. Never out of cruelty.

So, if you are someone who doesn't want to read about how this infertile finally graduated and is now pregnant, please feel free to not read. If you are someone who is too hurt by someone blogging about being pregnant, I've been there! I won't be offended. (And I've left blogs because of that reason so don't feel bad!)

But this is where I am now, I am expecting. I will not be ashamed to write about this new journey, just like I wrote about the last one. I love all of you. Honestly.

Week 9- Weekly Update

2011-05-08T10:32:00.000-07:00

How far along: 9 weeks even

Size of baby: about an inch long

Maternity clothes? I'm in super comfy yoga pants at home, but normal jeans at work. Soon though, me thinks.

Sleep? Pretty good!

Best moment of the week: My ultrasound, heartbeat and all.

Movement: Nope, too early. However, since I've been through 2 years of hyperawareness due to infertility, I think I'll be able to feel it move earlier than most.

Symptoms: I'm crabby, and tired a LOT.

Food cravings/aversions: This past week it's been sweets.

Gender: I hope it's a girl. (I have looked into this interesting study that claims to predict gender as early as the first ultrasound due to the position of the placenta. (Right = boy, Left= girl.) It'd be interesting to see it it's accurate. And, no, I 'm not sure what side my placenta is on.

Belly button in or out: Still in, not showing yet

Stretch marks: nope

What I miss: Margaritas and sushi.

What I am looking forward to: Movement!!

2011-05-03T09:45:00.000-07:00

8 weeks, 2 days.

We are quickly passing the risky time of pregnancy. I feel very comfortable in where we are, and for the first time in a long time, I’ve actually not taken a pregnancy test in a few weeks… not looked at the TP to make sure I’m not bleeding. I’m just living.

Jon passed the bar (which as you remember, he had to take in the middle of my miscarriage last cycle.) This is a huge relief for us, as it means that I can stop working when we planned, and we can start looking seriously at houses.

So, I’m busy ogling various beautiful houses right across the river in Vancouver Washington.

I have to admit, for the past couple of weeks, I’ve been struggling with depression. I finally nailed down why I feel that way this weekend. For the past 2+ years, I’ve been comfortable with the label of “infertile.” My life was predictable, period, timed encounters, a brutal wait, spend money on pregnancy tests, be disappointed. Rinse and repeat. Right now, I’m not really sure what to do. It’s not real yet, the only thing making it real is my lack of needing to do any of the infertility rituals that I’d done on a 39 day cycle for the past 2 years.

Now that I’ve put my finger on this, I’m being more aware, and trying to focus on the future. This is not to say that I’m not over the moon that we are expecting. I am. It just feels unreal, and this is uncharted territory for me.

I have a dr appt on Wednesday; I’m hoping that they will do an ultrasound so I can see the little raspberry again.

I Win at Life

2011-04-24T21:34:00.000-07:00

Last cycle was my miscarriage. It also marked the 2 year anniversary of us starting to try having a baby together. How naive we were at the time. 2 months, maybe 3 right?

2 years later, we get the news that we are pregnant.

It went downhill from there. I learned a lot about myself, especially that I use humor (very successfully) to get through hard times. I learned a lot about others, for example all the people at work who knew I was pregnant and didn't say a word to me after the week I took off dealing with the aftermath. But, mostly, I learned about how awesome my husband Jon is.

During that crazy time, he had to go up and take the biggest test of his life, the Bar exam in the state of Washington. While I was going through a horrible experience, so was he. Perhaps that gave me some comfort. Once he arrived back home, I was able to take a deep breath and move forward.

We were told to not try for a month. It was a vile way of describing it but Dr. Awesome's Nurse said "there might be left-over product" *SQUIRM* " that might make it hard for any baby to implant. So, that was that. After much consideration, Jon made a great point. "Would you be able to forgive yourself if you lost your fertility because you couldn't wait a month to try again?"

He's always the reasonable one.

However, I couldn't wait. We'd waited for 2 years already, and being that my cycles are 40 days, I couldn't wait 3 months to find out again if I were pregnant. I might have also looked into some extensive research that says the cycle after a miscarriage has been linked to high fertility rates. Think of it as a uterus workout before the marathon.

At 10 DPO, I take a pregnancy test.
I was in the shower while it was "cooking" and when I got out, I laughed.

There were two lines.

I sat down on the floor, stared at it and laughed. Sure, why not get pregnant again? After 2 years, I've turned into super fertile super woman?

Well, it was confirmed by a Beta of 15 that afternoon.

Day 11 and 13?

Those lines are no joke. I would also like to note that day 13's line was darker than any line I got with the miscarriage.

Beta Doubling? They wanted it to be at a minimum 24. Mine was a 52.

Dr Awesome called again and told me about my Beta, and I laughed.

At our 6 week ultrasound, we saw the baby! I got one of those wonderful internal ultrasounds and it was silent for a bit too long, so I asked "Is it in there?" My Dr piped up with "Sure is, everything is measuring perfectly."

Then Jon, who was at this appointment exclaimed "is that a heartbeat?????" And it was. A calming, fast wonderful heartbeat in the middle of that tiny tic-tac sized thing.

I suppose what has weirded me out the most lately is this feeling of "Now What?" For 2+ years, we've been focused on one thing, trying to figure out why cooking a baby is so hard. There's a recipe for heaven's sake! (And really, what recipe is only two ingredients, and can still be messed up???) I'm still trying to figure this all out. I look at the picture, I look at my bloated self, and feel like I'm going to throw up, and try to put my head around this whole thing. I've grown quite comfortable with the title "Infertile" and not so with "Pregnant." I need to shift my thinking.

We're pregnant. We saw a baby. We saw a Heartbeat. It's not going anywhere.

On the way out, I told Dr Awesome that I hope I never have to see her again. I meant it. She gave me a referral to a "normal OB/GYN!" You mean, a Normal Dr? That deals with normal people? Huh??? Unreal. My husband is more emotional about these things, and he was so giddy (and almost teary-eyed) at our ultrasound, but I was more in shock.

I'm happy with the new place I've been referred to. They have a required question/answer/informational session for all newly pregnant mom's that I found was very informative. They have an advice nurse during the day, and Dr's on call at night, and they deliver at the hospital next door. The funny thing is, I'm actually toying with a natural (ish) birth. I've got a doula. (Who, though I don't know her too well yet, seems to be my identical twin?)

I caught myself worrying about vaccines, and schools, and summer camp and and and and. Then I realized, I'm now worrying as if I will have a child in 7 months. Because I will. I'm reading "parenting." These things simply boggle the mind.

I'm going to make sure that I really enjoy this.

We are due December 11.

We are pregnant.

It's April's International Comment Leaving Week!

2011-04-20T21:06:00.001-07:00

Welcome, all you new members! I'd encourage you to check out the "Best of the Blog" tab to see some of my favorite posts (and to learn more about me!)

I look forward to getting to know you better!

2 Week Wait Means You Win!

2011-03-30T19:57:00.000-07:00

Hey guys! It's contest time!!! To thank all of you current readers, encourage you to follow me, and join me on the facebook page... I've created a contest/giveaway!

This month I'm giving away one of the following options:
1. A Pregnancy and Ovulation Test Pack from Early Pregnancy Tests. I've not used anything other than these, and they are dead on (to the point that I don't even have to temp anymore! Freeeedom from the ball and chain of morning thermometers!!!
2. A 20.00 Item from Amazon.com- You get to choose how awesome your prize will be!! (So people who are reading that aren't trying to start a family can still win something cool!!)
3. Or a really sweet infertility "Believe" necklace from Bugaboojewelry. (I want this one for myself. HINT HINT!)

How do you win, you might ask?

There are several ways to have an entry!!!
1. Follow Me on this blog page. You can find a "Follow Me" button over there to the right. (That's right, you hundreds of people who read my blog in your reader without following me, I've GOT YOU KNOW! :) )
2. Friend the Facebook Page, "Just Relax."
3. Promote my blog (including this give-away post.) You will need to post a link to your promoting blog post, please! Any new people coming over can then participate in this contest too!!

You MUST comment on this post to be entered.

(Even if you are already following or on the facebook page)

Eg;
"Hey, I've followed your blog, friended the Facebook Page and here's the link to my promotion!"

Each thing you do will equal one entry in the contest. I will then reply to your comment with what numbers you have for the drawing.

I will random generate a number at the end of the time period!

The winner gets to pick what item they want.

Contest Closes:

Friday, April 15th at 5 pm PST.

This Week's Meal Plan Includes: Newborn Rack of Baby.

2011-03-22T22:44:00.000-07:00

As time goes on, me sitting here (not pregnant) and the girls of the world there (popping out babies like tic-tacs) I've noticed an alarming theme. I feel as though there is a strong propensity towards endorsing a cannibalistic lifestyle. Let me es'plain. No, there is too much, let me sum up. (Anyone, anyone?)

Why? You might ask? Well, all I have to do is sign on to Facebook. This is where I see this:

Since when do we start comparing growing zygotes or fetuses to fruit? Everyone is now a plum, or an apple, or a lemon, or delicious honeydew melon. Makes me think of eating. Makes me think of eating a banana. Your baby is a banana. Maybe I will eat your baby.

Now, don't get me wrong... if we are on a deserted island, and the only choice for survival is to eat your baby, I will. I mean, I would be hungry for a while, and try to forage, but if there is a baby there, it might as well look like this -------->

Do I even need to say anything here?

Your babies have always been edible, from the minute you announced it on Facebook... Your baby has been compared to something I can eat. So, if it walks like a duck, and acts like a duck... It must be an edible baby. When the times comes where you invite me over, and I break out a fork and napkin right after you ask "Want to hold him?", you'll know that you set me up to have a great meal.

Save the babies, save the world! Stop promoting cannibalism, pregnant women!

(I think what is most disturbing is the lack of life this baby has.)

The problem lies even deeper. If you continue down this path, the entire human race will be extinct, as we all run around searching and sampling to find that baby with just the right flavor profile.. Not too sweet, not to savory, something with a bottom note that doesn't smell....

Sadly, though... While looking for apropos pictures for this post, I realized this "babies as food" fetish goes deeper than I thought. Here are some of my favorite main course babies, brought to you by a website called "Crazy Costume Corner: Babies As Food".


(Don't Worry, it's "100% USDA Inspected" Baby Meat)

I'm not going to lie, I had about 10 of these babies last weekend alone.

I never thought I could use my tag of "Cooking a Baby Can't be THIS Hard" so literally.

I'd like to think that your fetus is more than a edible garnish to a lovely piece of salmon. But really, all I can think about is how delicious ~~your baby~~ that fruit would be in a alcoholic coolie, which (ironically enough) you couldn't enjoy if you wanted to. Enjoy pushing out that honeydew melon honey!

So while you revel in your pregnantness, I will be here... sipping a zygote margarita, preparing for my next meal, newborn rack of baby.

Driving My CRV of Infertility

2011-03-17T00:12:00.000-07:00

I got such an amazing response to the post where I talk about my most recent experience, where we miscarried. I was moved by the love. Apparently you were moved too, as the post brought more than 1,000 individual hits. I suppose some of the most moving responses were from women who had gone through the same thing, and felt a sense of understanding. What surprised me most was the dozen or so emails I got from men, who couldn't fully understand what might be going through the heads of their significant other during their battle through infertility.

I've been somewhat intimidated by the amount of comments, emails, phone calls and cards that came during that period of time immediately after that post went live. What could I blog about? What could I write that could possible have the same emotional impact with so many readers, female and male alike?

I started this blog as a way of leaving some sort of record for our future child. What it was like to be waiting for them, what it was like to feel a little alien-like blob kicking my liver around like a soccer ball... But, my journal slowly evolved into this forum where my inner most thoughts (and body parts) were exposed for the world to see. I've not sensored my feelings, the good, the bad and the ugly. At times, writing here has made me emotionally raw. Trying to have a child isn't all cotton candy and balloon animals. It's sometimes those scary carnies with small hands that smell like cabbage.

Jesus, that was a horrifying metaphor. Here's a picture of some puppies to help you move on.

I think that when it comes to infertility, the females bear (feel) most of the responsibility towards making a child happen. I mean, other than the act itself, most things in our quest to have a child, happened to me. How hard can it be? Let's look at my last two years, and my husbands, shall we?

My Last Two Years, At A Glance:
1. OB/GYN visits- including an experience where a OB just dismissed me, inspiring a complaint to the Oregon Medical Board.
2. HSG from Hell- where the tech obviously hadn't performed one of these tests in a LONG time, and caused a spasm in one of my tubes which was in my top 3 most painful things I've ever gone through. (Behind a spinal tap, if that gives you some perspective.)
3. Countless RE visits- where I find out awkward situations just can't be made better (I'm looking at you; Internal Ultrasound!) The positive here is that my RE rocks. I really like her.
4. Clomid- I don't really have to elaborate past hot flashes in snowstorms and huge mood swings
5. A surgical procedure where we find out that in fact, the person from item 2 totally messed up the HSG, and I don't actually have a blocked tube, like he diagnosed. I get some endometriosis burned off, and am given a clean bill of health.
6. The highs of those positive pregnancy tests. You know the ones that you don't actually have to squint to see (or imagine). Is that a second line?
7. The lows of that time when I had to face a miscarriage.
8. The cocktail of medications I had to take to actually end my own pregnancy (even though it was already done.)
9. Testing. I'm ALWAYS testing for something. Ovulation, Pregnancy, Ebola. All of it, I'm testing. I think there are about 10 days when I don't have to test. (Don't even bring up the crazy experiences I've had BUYING those tests.)
10. Charting- I chart EVERYTHING. The countless hours I've spent analyzing my "symptoms and signs." I could probably have invented another dimension of reality in the amount of effort I've put into charting.
11. Everyone seems to think that any girl 20-30 years old should be knocked up, and should respond happily to nosy questions. The next time someone asks me about whether I'm knocked up... I'll ask them the status of their private parts. "You know, I've not been successful thus far with conception, but let's talk about you. How are your testicles doing?"

The boys?
1. SA (the Semen Analysis.) Given, awkward to an extent... but let's face it, they get to be alone doing it... rather than having their legs up in the air.
2. Scheduled romantic encounters. I'm going to leave it at that.
3. Putting up with a wife who is on Clomid and mood swings like monkeys through the trees. "Who cares if it's 25 degrees outside with a blizzard in full force, let's keep the windows open in the bedroom for you, my crazy hormonal wife!"

And.... that's it. In addition, we bear the emotional burden of responsibility for when another cycle passes without a zygote to celebrate over.

While talking with my friend, she was saying that after 2 years, her husband was going to finally get a SA done. "I'm tired of feeling broken." She said.This struck me, and really made me sad. But, the truth is.. she just verbalized what all of us women think from time to time (or on a regular basis.)... that it is our fault. All of it.

Michelle Duggar and Her Procreation Machine

It's true, and I'm not sure why... but women tend to take it personally when they can't conceive as naturally as the Duggars. Making a human should be as easy as making easy mac, right? (Why can't she just give me one of those babies? I mean, would she really miss just one kid?)

Who would have thought that all those years of being SO careful, taking those Birth Control pills regularly... would come back to bite you in the ass? (No pun intended.) Apparently, not taking those obnoxious pills would apparently have been just as effective of a method of birth control.

Feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme, gear on up, it's ovulation time!

The ultimate failure moment occurs around 14 DPO when we are assured again by mother nature that we yet again failed. As if a pep talk to our uterus would have made it function better.

I picture a Cool-Runnings-Like Speech happening. "We might be from an infertile land with no snow, but we are going to cross that finish line, even if we have to carry our fallopian tubes once the whole reproductive system breaks down in the middle of the bobsled course!"

Did you mom ever tell you the story about the dot on your forehead that appears when you are lying? I don't recall my mother saying this to me (possibly because of her uncanny ability to see right through any of my lies when I was little) but while working with kids, I've heard this story frequently. (Usually from kids who always seem to be scratching an itch on their forehead at the time they are talking to me... "clever" kids.) I wish there was an infertility dot that would appear when women are around each other and feeling alone.

It's a silent struggle, and I feel privileged that I can share in that struggle with you, and that through our sharing... we are able to feel for just a moment that we aren't alone. We could throw up that knowing wave, and give you just a fleeting moment of being a part of something larger than our individual infertility struggles.

I have to admit that when my husband's SA came back with less than perfect scores... I felt... well, relieved. Suddenly the inability to procreate like the girls from Sister Wives wasn't solely on my shoulders. (Could they not just give me one of their kids? I mean, would they really miss one?) You want to exclaim to the husband: "It's not just my fault! Your boys can't swim!" But you don't. (*Mostly because you are a better human being than that.)

Much like when you buy a car, you suddenly see a gazillion people driving that car around too and feel some sort of comradeship. "Oh hey there! You drive a car just like me? Let's be BFF's!" (And by friends I mean, let's throw up a little wave and give a knowing smile. Maybe even a lame comment like "Hey, nice car!") Sadly, infertility struggles are not visible like those thousands of Honda CRV's I now see driving about town. Everyone around us is currently pregnant and complaining about it, no doubt. "Accidents" and "Oopses" happen all the time, an inordinately disproportionate amount. EVERYONE IS PREGNANT. Including your 75 year old grandmother.

"What?"

"No!!!! THAT'S NOT AN EXAGGERATION!"

I realize that I will never meet most of you. So maybe this blog will be our little wave. So, hey there fellow infertile! I'm driving a CRV of Infertility too!

"Nice ~~Car~~ Ovaries!"

Health is a Lifestyle

2011-03-08T19:51:00.000-08:00

This post is inspired by a line I read in Carlia's Blog today:
"I love my life and having a child would be the icing on the cake."

This past week I've worked my butt off, and joined Weight Watchers. I've embraced the extra time that I have, and I'm going to work as hard as I can to get as healthy as possible.

I'm assigned a daily point goal, and a weekly allowance of "fun points."

In one week, I lost 3.4 pounds. Wow. That's most excellent.

I've started the road to health, and I'm really looking forward to the next few weeks and seeing my hard work continue to pay off.

Be Your Best Advocate

2011-03-02T20:25:00.000-08:00

I've never been accused of not having strong opinions. I am very passionate in what I believe, and who I believe in. I am fiercely loyal, until I'm crossed, then I become your worst enemy. It's one of my best qualities, and one of my greatest weaknesses.

I finally got a call about my final beta blood draw to confirm that my body has gone back down to pre-pregnancy levels. My beta number was 2, which meant that my body was pregnancy free. I was advised to wait one full cycle to start trying again. I chatted with Jon tonight, and though it pains me to have to wait, the consequences (rare as they might be) would be unbearable. My RE wanted me to go through yet another ultrasound. I said no.

I just don't want to keep subjecting myself to more and more tests (which have become more and more invasive.) I suppose the taste of pregnancy has spoiled me. I know what my body can do, and I just don't want to wait! But I will, because I should.

As a sexual assault survivor, the whole journey of TTC is compounded by unwanted ties to a horrible event in my life. The irony, that the act that I avoid the most is the act that produces what will make me feel complete.

So, one month off it is. I'm impatient. I'm also lacking any filter in getting what I want. Tests that I don't need are out. Doing things my way is in.

I strongly encourage all of you to ask lots of questions when it comes to your own journey, whether it is TTC or just in general life. Through asking questions, I've avoided thousands of dollars in tests and unneeded medical procedures. Try not to be intimidated. Ask why a test is needed and what the consequences are if you don't have it. Then make your own decision.

New Club Membership

2011-02-25T14:10:00.000-08:00

On February 8, 2011, I got my first positive pregnancy test.
It was faint, but it was there. I sat on this information for a couple of days pending a beta test.

The first Beta confirmed it! 26! I was pregnant.
Two days later, a second beta was 42. Nothing bad, but not an impressive doubling we all hear about.
I got a call from my RE scheduling me for a third Beta. Three days later, a 63. This was Monday, valentines day.

This was the moment that it started sinking in that this ride might not go all the way to the final stop. I started to worry, but placed myself mentally in the place that I needed to be, I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do to change anything in these first few weeks. I wasn't drinking, smoking, using crack, or eating SUSHI (HARD!) I cut out caffeine, and my sleep medication and my occasional use of a prostitute. (just kidding!) I put off my plans for multiple tattoos that I was going to get in India, and put up my mosquito nets and stopped fjording the river (I didn't die of dysentery.)

Life went on, and I got excited, as I had no reason not to be. I made all the necessary squealing calls to very close family and friends. We were over the moon. After 2 years of trying, we were finally pregnant!

However, as the week went on, I felt weird. I couldn't put my finger on it. It was like that actor you see in another show and you just could not figure out for the life of you where he was from. My pregnancy feelings was that actor.

My husband was busy, studying for the Bar, which he would be taking the following week. I tried so hard to hide my fears, my anxiety, as I didn't want to burden him with my feelings.
Saturday afternoon, while my husband was off studying, I made a routine pit stop in the bathroom. There was blood, and a decent amount of it.

I knew this was the end.

For some reason, this didn't really shock me. People talk about when you know you are not pregnant, and I had felt that way all day, probably precursed with an intense vomiting of feelings on my mother earlier in the day about what I thought might be happening. But, there it was. Blood.

I knew I had to be seen right away, and being that it was 4 pm on a Saturday afternoon, anyone with an ultrasound in their office would not be around, so I made the call. I needed to go to the ER. I called Jon at the law library. I called him again, and again so he got the hint that there was something I needed ASAP.

Finally, he buzzed through.
"Hey, what do you need?" He asked. I sensed the worry in his voice, as this sort of behavior (the calling and calling) was out of character for me.
"I need you to come home." I replied. As soon as I said it, I realized that was the only thing I was going to be able to say on this phone call.
"How come?" He asked.

Silence. I couldn't speak, I had nothing to say, and I had that feeling where you vomit tears and there was just no stopping it. I just wanted to get off the phone before I threw up my emotions.

"I'll be right there." Jon knew what was happening, I knew he did. I might have managed to choke out a "See you soon." or some such reply, but honestly, these few moments were overwhelmed with what happened next.

(credit to nonnetta.deviantart.com)

I hung up the phone, and basically couldn't stand. There I was, leaning on the counter, heaving sobs of sorrow, frustration, anger and every other toxic emotion I had held back for the past week, hoping against the inevitable. The past week of worry culminated into this 2 minutes of grief. Then, as quickly as it begun, it stopped. I wasn't trying to avoid grief, but it just stopped right there.

I did some mundane tasks like turning on the proper lights in the house for the night, and feeding the dog. Jon took forever to get home, it seemed, but I knew he drove home faster than normal. He walked in and said "ok, what do we need to do?" I explained that we needed to go to the ER.

I said Hello to George Clooney.

We arrived there around 5 pm, to a packed waiting room, filled with hurting children, elderly women and other people needing attention. I waited patiently in line, and began the one line that I would be repeating much of the night to various nurses, doctors and other staff. "I think I'm having a miscarriage."

A lovely NP drew my blood before I got into my ER room, so we could cut down on the time I would spend waiting. She was lovely, and did her best to put me at ease. This was (I think) my 5th blood draw in less than a week, and she couldn't find the vein. I burst into tears, and she apologized for missing it. I explained that wasn't why I was upset, but thanked her for finding the right vein that time.

The waiting was hard. I told Jon that there was one boy I hoped they saw before me, as he was obviously very sick. I was thankful that they called his name right before mine. Jon and I joked most of the night, as this seems to be the way we deal with stressful and uncomfortable situations. I had thought about the possibility of miscarriage for more than a week, so I had worked through many of my thoughts on the matter. Maybe I was being selfish, but I didn't feel up to hearing Jon's thoughts on the matter. Plus, poor Jon was 3 days away from taking the biggest test of his life. He wasn't trying to be insensitive, but he broke out his laptop and continued to study. "What horrible timing this is!" (I secretly cursed at my uterus.)

We were brought into the ER room around 8:30, maybe a bit earlier. I met a great nurse, Wayne, whom I joked with right away. I think the staff were confused about why I was so upbeat about the fact that I was having a miscarriage. Upbeat was the wrong perception, but more so, peace was what I felt about it.

Over the course of a few hours they had me down for an ultrasound which didn't detect a uterine pregnancy, but since it was still so early, they weren't really expecting to see one. My beta suggested that something was growing very slowly, somewhere. And I was VERY aware that the ultrasound tech was spending an abnormal amount of time in one spot, near my left ovary.

Obviously, since surgery, I've been acutely aware of the possibility of ectopic pregnancy, one of the reasons why I decided to go to the ER rather than wait until Monday to deal with the situation. My ER doc explained that they weren't totally able to tell what was going on, but I'd need to follow up with my RE on Monday. He also paged the OB/GYN on call and they agreed that I wasn't in impending doom of a tubal burst or some other dire problem (like a fetal pig growing out of my ovary). At midnight, and after 2 hours of a hunger induced headache, I headed home.

This brings us to Monday. My RE had me give blood AGAIN. (I look like a drug addict, let me tell you.) Jon was on his way to Seattle to take the bar, and due to pain and nausea, I felt that emergency surgery might be on the agenda here in Portland. It was scary, because Jon was gone. I felt alone.

Dr Awesome explained that she couldn't see anything on the ultrasound, which she had reviewed from the ER. She told me it could be an ectopic, but I'm not really at a high risk for that, so she was less worried about that. She suggested that I do a repeat beta test. If was still going up, I'd need to start a medically induced miscarriage (wonderfully coined "medical abortion.") We both agreed that this was not destined to be a viable pregnancy, so beta test and medication it was.

My beta tests confirmed that my beta's were still going up (very slightly) so, starting Tuesday morning, I will be taking misoprostol. People's experiences on this drug vary from extreme to just mild cramping.

I took the first dose at 8:30 the next morning, and my doctor called around 11:30 AM. I hadn't started to feel anything, not even light cramps. I was tired, and may have napped a bit, but nothing was happening. At noon, I got to take the second dose. I started to feel a bit of cramping, but none of this supposed river of flow I should be expecting.


Medications + Feel Good Food

This did not, however, keep me from enjoying part of the "feel better kit" I'd bought the night before.

So far, both packages of the Reese's Pieces are mysteriously gone. I've also gone through some of the goldfishes that I had on hand. Last night, because I was nervous about today, I had some of the Creme Brulee. It's offensively addictive and delicious. I'm happy I don't have it in the freezer all the time. (And so is my waistline.)

The medication finally kicked in around 5 pm or so, when I started to feel some major cramping. The feeling was similar to the way your abs feel after 3 minutes in plank, after about 20 rounds of 3 minutes in plank. I started to bleed around this time as well. Over the course of the evening, the pain got more intense, until finally I couldn't move very much without being incredibly uncomfortable. I picked up the dog from daycare, ate "awful for me food" and snuggled into bed.

Throughout the night, I was alternating pain medications with throwing up, so who knows if any of the pain medicines actually had any effect. I thought about getting up for a heating pain, but just the thought of getting up just made me exhausted. Thankfully, the dog seemed to know what I was going through, as he was a wonderful snuggle bunny all night long.

right there.........^

Wednesday morning brought me the same rate of pain (probably a 7 on the pain scale). Not unbearable, but certainly quite uncomfortable. I took a pain med pretty early in the day to try to be proactive in my effort to get through the day without throwing up.

The pain got progressively worse throughout the day and into Thursday proportionally to the amount of blood that was making it's way out of my body (varying between a 7-9 on the pain scale, depending on how much I was moving, and whether I had pain medication freshly coursing through my veins.) Several pain induced vomiting trips later, I felt like I just couldn't get out of bed. I had the chills, and felt generally miserable. I managed to get up and pick up the dog from daycare and get back home, but really, that's all I accomplished on Wednesday.

And then, it started to snow. The idea that I was either going to have to battle the snow to get the dog to daycare, or battle the cold and take him out in the morning was a daunting task to do when getting out of bed was an accomplishment. Jon called to see how I was doing, and being that he had one day of testing left, I said some sort of lie "not as bad as I thought it would be" or some such thing. I knew he was doing his best, and felt guilty about being more than 200 miles away while I was going through this alone.

Thankfully, Jon finished on Thursday and was back down and home by around 3 pm. As soon as he got home, I was SO relieved. I could finally focus on me, and not have to worry about getting the dog outside and playing with him so he wouldn't go crazy. The bleeding is just as bad as Wednesday, so I stay home Friday as well.

I'm thankful that emotionally, I was doing fine. I can imagine how women feel when they either have seen their child via ultrasound, heard their heart, etc. That must make it seem more real. I never saw this, and had signs from the very beginning that things were going wrong, giving me a chance to have a head start about grieving.

As I read stories of women who have gone through loss, and their heartbreak, I almost feel guilty. I don't feel that sense of loss. It was an easy choice to make to move forward from this pregnancy, rather than try to face the risks and complications. I'm moving forward. I'm not sure what to say to people who are "I'm so sorry!" I mean, of course, I'd rather be pregnant right now (and I'd certainly rather be able to move around without pain/throwing up) but I know my time is coming. It's coming SOON.

If anyone told me this last week when it was up in the air, I would have punched them. Though it sounds cliche, at least I can get pregnant. My RE left me with one sentence. "Julia, you are going to have a baby."

I believe her.

The next steps? I've been given an opportunity to get as healthy as possible, and since the clock is ticking before I get pregnant again, I need to get moving. I'm VERY motivated.

This hangs in my home- And it's true.

I also want to pass this along. My friends and family have been so supportive, thoughtful and kind during this trying time. Special thanks to my mother and mother-in-law who have made this time (I have to go through this alone while my husband is gone) tolerable. I didn't have to worry about many details, just focus on healing. Your love from across the country helped me a lot.

Of course, there are so many of you who have expressed your love for both of us, and a huge thank you is in order. There are too many of you to list here.

New Blog Friday!

2011-01-21T09:00:00.000-08:00

Happy Friday everyone!

First off, I'd like to mention that I am featured as the New Blog over on "New Blog Friday" at the wonderful blog "Infertility Overachievers." You can click on the button on the left to visit Aly's blog and get to know me a bit better and find new people to follow as well!

That being sad, I'd like to point our new readers to some of my favorite posts!

* A Fred Meyer grocery checker dares to comment on my recent purchases.
* A post where the two worlds, Blog World Julia and Real Life Julia meet, and it creates some unsure people!
* The ugly part of infertility rears it's ugly head --> Jealousy
* The post where I analyze how my estranged father and I will relate if I have a baby. Check out the comments, as it created some controversy, leading to this post where I battle whether or not to lock down the blog.
* Yes, but do I take my socks off? Do you chat with the Dr during an Internal Ultrasound? Need I say more?
* Craving a Pop-Up Video Style Blog Post? I've got an ~~app~~ post for that!
* My husband makes a rare appearance on the blog!
* Low sperm motility... equals divorce?
* Those people who ask... a bit too much.
* The post where I talk about something very personal, and dear to my heart.

I hope that helps you get up to speed about all things Julia! Welcome again!!

I Am A Surgeon, and You Can Be Too!

2011-01-10T10:15:00.000-08:00

Well, bills are still rolling in for my surgery I had in the middle of December. I have decided, however, that I could have done this surgery myself.

Why do you ask?

I perform surgery daily during the back end of the 2 Week Wait.

Starting about DPO Day 8 I resume my investment in the Pregnancy Test business, and start testing. Is this logical? No. Through oodles of research, I've been assured that any test before around day 10 just isn't reliable. Does this stop me? Not really. Not at all.

However, Once I see that 1 line on the tests, I perform microsurgery. Why waste 10 years doing medical school and residency? Here's what you can do to be a surgeon too!

1. Grab pregnancy test with surgical instruments.
2. Grab Bobby Pin retracting instrument
3. Take the bobby pin retracting instrument and insert it into the seam and open the Pregnancy Test Cavity.
4. Pull the test apart and extract the test strip
5. Examine with a Magnifying Glass

10,000 Dollars Please!

The New Year

2011-01-04T12:58:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm officially back at work, on a modified work plan for one week to phase me in. I've been working the full day in the office, and rather like it.

I'm technically on Day 6 past ovulation. I've had some major cramping/internal pressure (not sure how else to put it), which could be an implantation sign, I suppose. I've taken to not thinking about it much, though I've been so busy since the New Year I've not had time. I've also taken to relying on the OPK rather than the temp change for Ovulation. The fact that I can wake up and hit the snooze alarm until the "OMG I'm going to be late!" moment, and not have to waste another 2 minutes on temping is glorious. I'm going to try to wait until day 12 or so to test, because I can't stand the negatives for 6 days in a row until then.

We've started to roll in the bills for surgery. It's amazing how much a 1 hour surgery costs, but we are SO thankful to have insurance, as right now the total out of pocket stands at around 800. However, we've yet to get the Dr Awesome bill for her services, so it will undoubtedly be more. Either way, we are also blessed to have a person in our lives who has offered to pay for half of what it ends up costing. It seems like we might need to give them some of their money back, as we anticipated a higher bill..., but we are waiting until we are sure that we have a final total.

I've noticed I've gained a few new readers! Thank you for joining me, and feel free to comment away (Though you must sign/log in to comment, and it is moderated.) I will respond to each one! In a few days I'm going to spot light a few of your blogs, so if you'd like that, please comment below with your blog address so I can get to know you (if you are new) or come up with something clever in a spotlight! I love new blogs to read, so join in the conversation!

Post-Op Appt

2010-12-29T12:47:00.000-08:00

Today was my Post-Op Appt with Dr Awesome. I learned some interesting things.

1. My tubes were ALWAYS open- whomever did the HSG didn't do it well, thus skewing the results. (Which begs the question to be asked, why is it taking me so long??)
2. Stage 1 Endometriosis was found, and burned off. Probably won't affect me for 4-5 years fertility wise.
3. Ovarian drilling will probably not make any positive difference in fertility for another 7-8 months.
4. I'm basically on my own now. I'm just supposed to "try" to get pregnant for the next few months. I was literally left with a "call me when you are pregnant." (Unless I have a weirdly long cycle with no pregnancy.)

I got a note for light duty next week so I am not put in a place where I am responsible for all the kids at work, which is nice, I can just phase in. Sitting for a long period of time is not the most pleasant thing either though, so I'm going to bring my heat back into work, I think.

No real news, other than another OPK+ today (so day 20 & 21.) I'm about to take a nap, which is always glorious, then off to pick up the dog and enjoy a night home alone.

Non-Medicated Cycle

2010-12-28T13:17:00.000-08:00

Well, this is my first non-medicated cycle without Clomid.

My husband will attest to this, I've never felt more centered in that almost 2 years I've been on the stuff.

I was worried, however, that I would not be able to ovulate on my own, and I certainly didn't expect it this cycle. However, this morning a positive OPK stared at me, right in the face.

I have to admit, I giggled a little bit. I couldn't believe that maybe, just maybe, my body is returning to normal, able to do what it was made to do.

The thankfulness I have for Dr Awesome to recommend having surgery this cycle has no boundries (much like the awful song* written for the finale of American Idol by Kara DioGuardi)
*Note, I may have listened to this song again, and not felt like throwing up this time. It's not TOO bad. (At least by Adam Lambert, not Kris Allen's version *ick*)

I've been doing some research that I'm not even sure where I'm at about yet, natural childbirth. If I had my way, I'd never ever ever have an epidural. After a botched spinal tap in 2008, I swore that to myself. So, at that point, do I even care about any medications? I'm not sure. I've been interviewing doulas, as research is very clear that their involvement in birth reduces many risk factors (see this article, which is representative of about 50 I've looked at thus far, leading me to trust the general statistics.)

Hiring a doula does not, of course, preclude the idea of birthing in a hospital. Nor do I preclude that idea either. I'm going to do a lot of research in the next few months. I know that 2011 is my year to have a child and dang it if I'm not going to be as ready as I possibly can be for it.

So, tell me about your stories, did you hire a doula, how did you do your birth (or how do you hope to?) Why did you/will you make those choices?

Much love to all of you!

A Julia Divided Against Itself, Cannot Stand.

2010-12-26T02:21:00.000-08:00

George Costanza has two worlds, independent George and relationship George. In the Seinfeld episode, "The Pool Boy," George must face the reality that the two George's will inevitably collide.

GEORGE: Ah you have no idea of the magnitude of this thing. If she (George's Girlfriend) is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him, Ceases to Exist!
You see, right now, I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with -- Movie George, Coffee shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George.
JERRY: I, I love that George.
GEORGE: Me Too! And he's Dying Jerry! If Relationship George walks through this door, he will Kill Independent George! A George, divided against itself, Cannot Stand!

I, too, had this realization. There are two Julia's, "Real Life Julia" and "Blog Julia."
It's hard sometimes (for myself as well) to differentiate Blog Julia with Real Life Julia. However, I'm going to try right now.

"Real Life Julia" is a deeply private person. I've kept my recent surgery on the down low, and really not brought it up except for a small intimate group of people. My whole battle with infertility has been also kept pretty quiet.

"Blog Julia" is more than happy sharing details about Trying to Conceive, girly things that are not topics of casual conversation. I don't regret sharing anything I've put out there, as it is important to have a forum where women can come and be understood, or at least heard, about these sensitive topics.

Blogging like being in a car (a topic explored in depth by Tom Vanderbilt in a book appropriately named "Traffic".) You can BE anyone you choose to be, you can SAY what ever you want to say, but really who knows if anyone really cares if you flipped them off or if they tail your bumper? It doesn't matter, because you will NEVER see/interact with them again. I'm a total asshole driver. I have ZERO patience when it comes to stupid drivers. Jon will tell you, I hate waiting for people when they are being dumb, I get ticked off when people tail me, and when drivers go 10 miles under the speed limit, virtually boxing in a police car because they are scared to get a ticket. JUST MOVE OVER AND LET THEM BY! (Then resume normal driving speed, at or a bit above the limit.) But, is that me in Real Life? (well, patience is a skill I don't have much of, so yes, that part is Real Life.)

We become someone else in different places. To me, the internet is a "place."

How one behaves, what they say or don't say, here in Blog Land may be totally different than the person is in Real Life. This is the case here. This is no doubt confusing for some who know me in real life, who also read my blog. I admit, after a conversation with my husband this evening, it gave me pause. I suppose it comes down to this: Just because I am putting myself out here, in the Blog World, doesn't really mean that I'm comfortable talking about it in the Real Life. Because of how private I am, I don't tend to bring anything I talk about here up in Real Life. That's one of the reasons I have a blog. People who don't know me can share in my experiences with little side effects. People who know me in Real Life can know what's going on, if they choose to read it, and thus don't really have to ask me about it.

I try very hard (or at least, Real Life Julia) to stand up for myself, and generally I don't have a problem with it (See the previous post about my Fred Meyer experience) but for some reason standing up and saying "hey, your questions, about why we haven't had a kid yet, are not appropriate to be asking at this time." (and in some cases, ever.)

After reflection, I find that the reason I have such a hard time standing up for myself is
it's a very personal subject. If I am defending myself because I decided to eat and apple, there's no real emotional attachment to that decision or the topic of the apple. I'd be more than happy to argue with you all night about why my choice to eat the apple was right for me. However, when the topic is broached "so, is the baby-making factory closed or what?" I'm tongue-tied. I'm taken aback at the obviously deeply personal question being asked in a public place (often in a less-than-tactful way.) This is not to say that I don't invite questions, but if the questions are asked where everyone can hear, this makes me feel guarded and embarrassed. That being said, just because you ask doesn't mean I will answer. Generally, I'll talk about it, but with a precious few I truly feel uncomfortable.

I toyed with these conflicting thoughts for most of the evening in relation to this blog. Should I continue to put my feelings and TMI topics out there, or should I shut the blog down, effectively shutting down all venues for weird conversations? 10,000 hits in less than a year tells me that there are people reading what I have to say, relating with my feelings and experiences. Do I shut it down for the way one person (myself) feels, sacrificing this open dialogue I've created amongst this group of elite women?

My decision is not to shut this down, naturally. You choose to read what I have to say, and I have plenty TO say. Perhaps though, if you know me in Real Life, remember what Real Life Julia is like. Deeply private. If you have questions, maybe wait for a private moment before asking me about my journey. Chances are, I'd love to talk about it. :)

Weight Loss

2010-12-22T15:15:00.000-08:00

I'm thrilled to start to feel like my body is returning to normal. For the last year + I've been pumped full of Clomid in increasing doses during the beginning of each cycle, and this is the first cycle in that amount of time that I feel medication free (sans pain meds from surgery) and I already feel like my body is starting to go back to normal. I've not be able to work out yet, but I'm hoping to by the end of the week beginning of next! I'm moving to week 8 of my marathon training at that point.

Current Weight: 168.8
Goal Weight: 150
Ideal Ending Weight: 135-140

I'm going to work my ass off for the next few months to try to get to Goal weight, and scream up and down if I get to Ideal End Weight. I will then buy lots of clothes. And dresses. And sexy outfits.

I know I can do this. I can become pregnant, and I can be healthy before I do it.