I mean THIS Rorschach.

The Hermann one.

He probably never killed a man, but he certainly strikes me as looking similar to another murderous bastard I can think of…

… I’m getting off topic here.

Hermann Rorschach.  The namesake.  Splattering since before Pollack picked up a paint bucket.  His name has come back into the news recently.  Seems like the psychological establishment is all in a huff that a Dr. James Heilman posted the original 10 inkblot cards, along with common responses to them.  They say that having the test, and (more importantly) an insight into the metrics behind scoring the validity runs the risk of rendering the entire test moot by teaching would-be takers how to ‘game’ the system.

Well, in an effort to prove them right, I’m here to publish my own cheat sheet of sorts.  Schizophrenic?  Pathologically violent?  Serial sex offender?  We’ve got all the ‘right’ answers you need to get you out of state custody and back out on the streets.

Card 1- The Weird Goblin-Face Lookin’ One

I see a goblin here.  I don’t know about you, but it’s a face through and through.  With big ears and a pointed nose.

Card 1 isn’t so much about what you’re saying, so much as how you say it.  This, typically being the first card presented, is supposed to gauge one’s handling of problems and new situations.  Bats and butterflies are common answers.

Answer: Turn the card sideways and insist it’s a chihuahua gnawing at the back of an A-bomb in a small puddle of water.

Card 2- Man In A Goofy Hat Crawling On A Mirror

The red is supposed to be blood, and this card is supposed to give insight as to how you handle anger or physical harm.  This may or may not include sexual undertones if the patient sees two humans ( a very common response).  Various 4 legged animals are also prevalent.

Answer: It’s Zach Galifianakis.

Card 3- Two Women With Freaky Man Arms

Card three plainly represents 2 human figures.  Depending specifically upon how this card is addressed, it is supposed to give insight into a person’s handling of relationships.

Answer: 2 voluptuous silverback gorillas on stilts standing around a fishbowl.

Card 4- The Some Kind Of Animal Skin Rug Maybe?

Card 4 is a doozy.  The dark colors and shading are supposed to trouble depressed patients, and the illusion of perspective (looking up at ‘it’) is telling of one’s feelings about authority and masculinity- the creature in the blot is ‘almost invariably’ described as male.

Answer: Burst into tears and cry about your father.

Card 5- It’s Either A Bat Or A Butterfly

Card 5 is either a bat or butterfly.

Answer: It’s either a bat or butterfly.

Card 6- Oh Wow.  Um.  Maybe… Another Animal Skin Rug?

This is a card about texture.  It’s supposed to elicit association relating to interpersonal closeness or sex.  Don’t ask me.  I don’t see it.

Answer: A shoreline lighthouse perched atop OH DEAR GOD IT’S A VAGINA.

Card 7- Two Faces.  For Sure.  Well… A Vase Maybe?  Right?

Speaking of… ahem… femininity, the figures here are popularly described as either women or children, making card 7 a ‘mother card’ of sorts to uncover issues with females in the subject’s life.

Answer: See, it’s a face/vase thing again.  You got the people on the outsides lookin’ at each other right, and in the middle is… well… it’s a… a… OH DEAR GOD IT’S A VAGINA.

Card 8- 4-Legged Mammals Of Some Sort.  I think.  Possibly Reptiles.

Card 8 is just one big screw from ol’ Hermann himself.  After the vague and difficult prompts from the last few cards, this card is supposed to be a relief.  Superficially it is, but the added complexity of color is known to throw off those with difficulty processing complex situations or emotional stimuli.  What a jerk, right?

Answer: The pink 4 legged thing is an obvious out.  So take it.  It’s a mutant capybara with a vestigial lizard tail.

Card 9- I Dunno Doc.  You’ve Got Me.  What Is It?

You thought the last one was bad?  Psh.  THIS is meant to fuck with normal people.  Psychologist assholes.  The orange stuff kinda looks like some kind of shark/alligator hybrid with great majestic antlers.  That’s about all I’m getting out of this.

Answer: These guys right here

Card 10- That’s A Bunch Of Worms And Stuff.  Spiders.  Maybe A Lobster.

You thought the last one was bad?  Well, it was.  This isn’t quite so, but again, the running theme in these last three is to gauge how a person deals with varied, complicated and simultaneous stimuli.  Make sure to dope before your doc gets to the last few.

Answer: It looks like a bunch of inkblots, Doc.

BONUS ROUND: Feel free to use this in place of any previous answer.

You know doc, a little rubbing alcohol will get that right out.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. It seems wrong doesn’t it? I mean seriously. Why the F isn’t The Hangover in the number one spot? That movie was ten times better than Star Trek and Transformers combined. I mean, yeah, Star Trek was pretty good but Transformers was just godawful. Anyway. Yeah. The Hangover got jooed. Oh well. There’s always the Oscars…

(Oh, and other movies included in the top ten most illegally downloaded movies for 2009 would be District 9, Harry Potter 6, and X-Men Origins: Wolverine. In case you cared.)

I got the game when it came out in…well I was in 7th grade so whatever year that was. 2002? Somewhere around there I think. I’m too lazy to look it up even though I just Google searched an image of the game. So yeah. Anyway. I liked the game. I still like it actually though quite a few people I’ve talked to about it in casual conversation (most of conversations are casual, I think) seem to consider it at best: “lame” and at worst: “double lame”. Which is weird to me. Whenever asked why they always say “it’s not as good as Super Mario 64″.
Uh, it’s NOT Super Mario 64 for starters. For one it has better controls and graphics. I mean sure, yeah, the premise is the same but it’s a Mario game. What do you expect? Innovation? Actually, every new Mario game seems to set the standard for the platforming genre so yeah I guess you should expect that. Though I still feel the comparison to the first 3D Mario game is unfair for two reasons.
1.) SM64 came out around 1996 (I think; again, too lazy to look it up) back when 3D games were mostly craptacular explorations into why buying the new console on the market was a dumb move. SM64 changed that. It basically said “Hey blockheads, THIS is how you make a 3D platformer. Morons.” And half a decade later Sunshine come out and by that point we’ve had billions upon billions of 3D platformers that didn’t suck (granted I can’t remember any of them except for the Sonic Adventure series pre-Heroes) so it’s not surprising that the game wouldn’t be as revolutionary as its predecessor.
2.) As mentioned just a few sentences ago Sunshine came out half a decade after SM64 which is just long for nostalgia to set in (especially since SM64 was like the first game of the N64 whereas Sunshine wasn’t the first game for the GameCube) and that nostalgia tends to gloss over the many flaws of that game. The controls and camera were not that good compared to later games because, well, things get better with age more often than not. Case in point: Majora’s Mask is better than Ocarina of Time but that’s whole another thing altogether.

Anyway. Enough of that noise. The game is good if frustrating at times. Oh yeah. The game loves to go back and forth between traditional Nintendo fun and traditional Nintendo hell. Some people complain about the water jet pack thing you’re forced to use throughout the game as a gimmick like Luigi’s Mansion’s vacuum cleaner of doom. But unlike the ghost-sucking Hoover of LM the water pack thing actually works pretty well. Well, the jet pack version of it anyway. It makes jumping easier as it gives more control over where you land. The motor add-on is basically useless outside of specific areas as is the rocket add-on. The main squirt gun mode is, well, a squirt gun.

The graphics of the game are pretty well done. Though compared to stuff now they may not stand up but they definitely fit the tone of the game which being a Mario game is light-hearted and fun. The effects of the painty sludge stuff are pretty cool especially when Mario gets covered in it and it actually remains on him until you either clean off with water or enter a level or something.

Oh, and the story. Well. Bowser kidnaps Peach. Again. There’s also the thing of someone impersonating Mario and painting up the whole isle of Delfino (the game’s location) and blah blah blah. It’s a Mario game. Who the F cares about the plot?

The controls work and are pretty fluid. Jumping around the main hub world is definitely a fun way to kill time for shits and giggles. The inclusion of the jet pack makes it better.

As for weaknesses, well, there are plenty to be found. First off: the difficulty. Overall the game isn’t hard but there are certain Shine Sprites (the game’s Stars) that near impossible to get purely because the obstacle course you have to navigate through (sans jet pack) are unforgiving. One mistake and you die unless you manage to snag an extra life before then. And then there are some parts that just too easy. But this isn’t like a contrast between early and late game levels. This happens almost from the beginning. Another major weakness of the game is the boss battles. They’re easy. I mean RIDICULOUSLY easy. Even the last boss (SPOILERS: it’s Bowser) is easy. You also fight the same bosses two or three times a piece so it gets redundant fast.

So yeah, all in all, the game isn’t bad. It’s actually pretty good. It’s kinda like the Wind Waker (another GameCube release). It got a lot of flak for changing the series (aesthetically anyway) and as such is looked down upon as the Cousin Oliver of the series. So, uh, check it out if you haven’t? I’m done.

I promised myself I would never do a political post on here. I try to keep politics to myself because I don’t just hate politics itself, I also hate arguing them. But this. This is different. This goes beyond politics. It was recently revealed that the U.S. military had Bin Laden in their sights (you know, the guy behind the terrorist attacks that killed 3000+ innocent people about 8 years ago) and let him go. Well, okay, they didn’t entirely let him go. They did randomly bomb the surrounding area and send in the still untrained Afgan army after him while keeping the much better trained and equipped American forces on the sidelines which allowed the terrorist leader to escape into Pakistan where he was able to avoid getting caught ever since. So yeah. Way to go us.

But who’s to blame for this stupidity? Who else. The people we’ve been blaming for the past 8 years: The Bush Administration. Now I’m not a Bush basher but I will admit that he was the worst president we’ve had since Carter. Why? Because he gave the post of Secretary of War to Donald “Dumbfuck” Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld is an idiot. He had the opprotunity to catch this terrorist maniac within months of 9/11 and let him go to avoid creating a “symbolic figure” among the terrorists in the middle east. Guess what jerkwad, he ALREADY is one! He’s the goddamn leader of al-Queda. He’s a fucking hero over there because he’s one of the generals who fought off the fucking Russians in the 80s. He’s like their George Washington.

I mean come on, we captured Saddam “Fatfuck” Huessin and he wasn’t even a threat to us. But the guy who is a threat, the guy who was the first to attack us in over 60 years? We let him go. Way to go us.

It’s shit like this that only proves that those qualified to run a country would never do it.

I’m sick and tired of hearing things from uptight, short-sighted, narrow-minded hypocrites.

Hokay,

So I went to the movie rental place with my hetero life-mate, Silent Job;

and we were both kind of in the mood to watch a zombie flick. The normal choices: Of The Dead series, 28 series and the Resident Evil were out, since I own all of them. We decided to try and find an indy flick that would be just so low budget that it might have just worked. We sifted through tons of movies that sounded like they would be at least NOT shitty.

Obviously shitty ones included but were not limited to:

And (sorry Georgie)

Don’t even get me started on Zombie Strippers.

As we’re walking along the “Wall-o-fuck-ton-o-movies” my eye is caught (presumably by a phantom fish hook) by this flashy cover.

Now, it is reasonable to assume that, based on this cover, this movie will be about a virus or sickness that has adverse effects on people. One could also deduce that this movie has something that needs to be shot, based on the sheer number of military/civilians on the cover.

You would be fuck-stickily dissapointed.

Not one fucking zombie. Not so much as a dead twitch or even a mere feeling of suspense. There is one fucking scary part in this entire fucking movie. It was like wathcing the Paris Hilton sex tape, except I didn’t have a boner. Nothing about this movie makes any goddamn sense.

A rancher comes back in from a day of, suspectedly, raping the horse he’s walking back to the stable. Not riding, walking. Then his blood vessels swell up, his blood becomes an even DARKER red, and he bleeds out of his nose. And mouth. And eyes. And presumably his asshole, but one cannot rule out Horse Cockin Sydrome.

Cut to a woman in her late twenties that is supposed to be attractive, but you’d get more sexual arousal out of a cactus. Turns out, she’s a veteranerian, which comes in to play later in the movie.

Gets a call from a frantic horse owner named Spenser, says someone did something to his lovely Chloe or something like that. I have reason to believe he was into beastiality as well. Seems to be something in the water in Diablo County New Mexico, and I do put the emphasis on BLO.

Spenser freaks out, conspiracy theorizes, and then shoots his horse.

The vet, Dr. Stevens, sees a news bit about a rancer with exploded blood vessels and storms into the coroners office and demands to see the body. The coroner is nothing if not polite and quite easily and nonchalantly breaks doctor-patient protocol. The vet, who has probably only read about viruses in books that were written when small pox was all the craze, goes prodding around in the ranchers mouth and comes to the one and only absolutely logical conclusion.

“It’s ebola.”

Mind you, she only has a paper mask and a thin layer of latex gloves on and she’s prodding around like his blood is as harmless as a snack-pack.

They call the CDC after the vet rules out Rocky Mounted Spotted Fever, The Marburg and Motaba viruses, and genital herpes. About thirty minutes later, soldiers show up in stereo typical humvees and fuck shit up, as soldiers do.

General Matthews tells Dr. Stevens to fuck off and die. He tells her he’s “helping humanity.” To which she smugly replies, “Oh yeah? Well, I’m a veterenarian.”

Yeah, she just “Bones’d” that mother fucker.

Nothing happens.

Nothing happens.

Spenser hides in Dr. Stevens’ house, finds out he’s a lunatic, “The government wouldn’t test this on innocent civilians” she says, makes her go on the run with him. They get caught by the military.

Turns out, Spenser is General Matthews’ son. Turns out, Spenser was right about it being a military test. Turns out, no one cared.

Matthews’ slips Stevens the biological warfare version of a roofie, and she later dies out side of the quarantine zone, and it’s covered up as a car accident.

The news on the TV then goes on to report that goats and humans in Afghanistan have begun to die of a mysterious virus that makes blood-vessels explode, confirming once and for all that the military is really out to get us.

Cut to: A scene of a lonely dog in a neckerchief walking along an interstate as if he’s hitch hiking whilst we here a small kid, “Dad! Can we pick him up? PLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE?

They pull over, let the dog in. The door closes. The dog looks out the window. The camera closes in on his left eye, and the blood vessels pop.

Sequel? I sure hope the fuck not.

This movie made my eyes want to bleed like they have never bled before. (They haven’t.)

In hindsight, this probably would have been a better zombie flick (though nothing on the front of the box leads you on that it would be so in any way shape or form):

Zombies with tribal armband tattoos.

The first track (and only single so far) “(If You’re Wondering If I Want You Too) I Want You Too” is standard Weezer fare which is definitely not a bad thing. It has a very nostalgic feel to it which is nice. I can definitely see why it was chosen as the lead single because it’s very definitely a Weezer song. It sounds what you think of when you think of Weezer. It also Weezer’s trademark self-deprecating humor sprinkled liberally here and there.

The second track, “I’m Your Daddy”, isn’t bad either. It’s got a very dance-y feel to it. Hell, the opening chords made me think for a second that I’d was listening to a Michael Jackson song.

“The Girl Got Hot” is an anthem, or at least it sounds like one. It’s basically Weezer’s version of “Rock Show” by Blink-182. Or that’s what it reminds me of since both songs are about a guy going to a rock show and falling for a girl they meet there. Good song (both of them).

Track numbero vier aka “Can’t Stop Partying” is so far my favorite song on the album. The chorus is addictive and it’ll have you singing along on the first listen. Since I keep comparing each song on this album to another song that already exists then I guess I’ll do it here too. So yeah “Can’t Stop Partying” is basically TWO Weezer songs in one. By that I mean it seems to combine the themes of “We Are All On Drugs” and “Beverly Hills”. Both awesome songs on their own and I think “Can’t Stop Partying” tops both of them. However there is one little snag. There’s a guest singer on the track which is weird for a Weezer track and I think it’s a first for them. Either way the guest is none other than Lil Wayne. Yeah. That’s right. This guy interrupts more songs than Kanye does acceptance speeches at award shows. His appearance his isn’t too bad, it’s just out of place. Which is how I felt about his guest spot on a Robin Thicke track last year. He always says “fucking” once which just seems really out of place on a Weezer song. But on the plus side he doesn’t actually bring the song down that much and he even duets with Rivers for a bit which actually sounds cool. So yeah. Also, I think THIS song should’ve been the lead single. But I’m not in charge of that stuff.

“Put Me Back Together” is decent. It starts out slow and sounds like something from the indie scene but then it crescendos into a Weezer song. It’s not spectacular but it’s one of those songs that’ll I’ll probably be listening to non-stop in a couple months.

“Trippin’ Down the Freeway” is okay. It’s definitely a filler track. Not much else to say about it.

“Love is the Answer” is gonna be a polarizing track. I can already tell. It’s very George Harrison-y in the sense that it’s very Hindu inspired with sitars and whatnot. Think of a cross between “Within You Without You” by the Beatles and “The Hindu Times” by Oasis. And that’s generally where “Love is the Answer” falls. It’s also got a very hippie vibe to it and some of the lyrics are sung in Indian (or whatever it is they call the language). Like I said it’s definitely gonna be a polarizing track because it’s the least Weezer-y track on the CD. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. And I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it yet.

“Let It All Hang Out”, the 8th track on the album for those of you who can’t count, starts out with loud screeching guitars. Beyond that it’s your standard rockin’ out affair. I’d say it’s good song to add to your iPod or Zune or what have you if you need a song to cruise around to.

“In the Mall” is along the same lines as “Let It All Hang Out” sans screeching guitars.

“I Don’t Want to Let You Go” is different from the rest of the album by being rather low key. Which is good. It kinda reminds me of “Heart Songs” from their last album which was my favorite song from that album. It’s a good end to a good end album.

…oh wait, there’s a SECOND CD.

“Get Me Some” is decent. Not much else to say.

“Run Over by a Truck” starts out with a piano and a reference to “Song of the South”. Yes, that Song of the South. But it’s the usual reference. It’s not bad. Pretty humorous in spots. Very Weezer-y plus a piano intro.

“The Prettiest Girl in the World” begins with a short spoken intro about the titular girl then segues into a Weezer song. Standard stuff.

Last but not least is “The Underdogs”. It’s very reminiscent of “Say It Ain’t So” or at least that’s how it seems to me. It’s probably the best song on the second CD.

So yeah. That’s Raditude. I think it might be slightly better than the Red Album (their previous). Is it as good or better than their other stuff? That’s pretty subjective I guess. Personally I think “Can’t Stop Partying” and “The Underdogs” for sure compare to anything else that they’ve done. I don’t think anyone will hate this album unless they hate Weezer in general but then that would go without saying.
In short I highly recommend it.

Also, I should point out that this is my first actual review of a CD and I wrote it ala Jeph Jacques meaning that I listened to the CD as I wrote the review so most of the opinions in this post are genuine first impressions (except for “Can’t Stop Partying”). Anyway. Laterz.

Oh sure I’ve actually aged since then while the Eds and Co. have remained the same relative age since day one. But that doesn’t really matter.

The show’s been on for a while now that I think about it. It started when I was in either 4th or 5th grade and there were still new episodes coming out when I was a senior in high school. That’s a pretty fking long time for a cartoon on Cartoon Network. All of the other shows from the time it was released had long since been dead either literally or creatively. Shows like Johnny Bravo, Dexter’s Lab, the Powerpuff Girls, Samurai Jack, Cow and Chicken, and others I can’t remember at the moment. And the worst part about a lot of those shows ending is that few of them got proper endings. Dexter did but that was immediately killed by continuing the series after its creator, Gendy Tartersaucekey, left. The second half of the show was a lot less entertaining.
But Ed, Edd, and Eddy never really declined in value. At least not drastically. The episodes where they’re in school are sometimes not as good as previous episodes but they’re not horrible and some of them are just as good if not better than previous episodes. Maybe that’s why it lasted so long.

Also, I think Ed, Edd, and Eddy is by far one of Cartoon Network’s few remaining good shows. Op. Op. Op. Spoke too soon. The show’s over. Yeah. That’s right. Though thanks to Cartoon Network being the colossal spitfuck that it is I didn’t discover this until very, very recently. Don’t worry kids; it ends on a good note.

And that note is actually a movie called “Ed, Edd, and Eddy’s Big Picture Show”.

Oh, and it’s good.

The plot of the movie is pretty straightforward: It starts immediately after one of the Eds’ famous scams goes horribly, horribly awry which results in all of the other kids chasing them throughout the movie trying to get their revenge. So the Eds are left with only one option and that is to hideout at Eddy’s brother’s place…except they don’t know where that is. The Kanker sisters chase after them as well but for their usual reason instead of revenge.
The animation is better than the show’s but it is a movie after all so that’s to be expected. The jokes are pretty solid. And there are quite a few continuity nods to go around.
The only problem I had with it was that the ending feels a little…rushed. But it ends on a good note which makes up for it in my opinion.
No wait there is another problem. It still hasn’t aired on American TV. Oh sure it’s been shown on European and Asian TV sets but not on an American one which is where the fking show debuted. Supposedly it’s going to air sometime next month but we’ll see how that goes.
If you don’t want to wait then you just go to Youtube and watch the movie on there.
I would link the videos on Youtube here but I feel that would be just wrong. Besides if you care you’ll look that shit up for yourself. You’re a big boy (or girl) now. Hell, if Double-D can invent an fking jetpack out of househould appliances than you can jolly well do a search on Youtube for a made-for-TV movie. Especially since I already gave you the name of it.
Oh but be careful. There’s another version of it on the Tube that’s apparently just a couple of guys dubbing it over or something. It sucks. So have a little a patience I guess. It’s worth it.

Anyways. If you are or ever have been a fan of the show then I highly recommend watching it. If you’ve never been a fan then, well, don’t watch it? I don’t really know what to say to YOU PEOPLE.

Dorks.

But more on topic I’ve been thinking about stuff lately. And here’s what a list of things that should exist but (as far as I know) don’t.

Number One: A live action X-Men show
I have NO idea why this doesn’t exist. Of all the comic book series that exist in the world this is the one that literally begs to be made into a live action series. A TV series that is. Search your heart, you know it to be true.
I should point out though that I’m not a big X-Men fan or even a big comic book fan in general but I’ve always though that X-Men would be a cool TV series. Think One Tree Hill…but with Mutants!
Actually that’s a bad example. I’ve never watched One Tree Hill so I have no idea what the show’s actually like. Anyway, what people could do is just take X-Men: Evolution and just make that live action instead of a cartoon. That show was cool. And it could totally work as a live action show. It’d be better than Dollhouse anyway. But then, what wouldn’t?

Number Two: A Cowboy Bebop video game
Okay, actually, this technically DOES exist…but only in Japan. So I guess what I’m saying here is that an English version should exist also. Also, I have no idea what the actual game(s?) in existence are like gameplay-wise but what I’d expect from a Bebop game would be a beat’em game with aerial/space dogfight levels. I would imagine playing as all three main characters would be standard. Maybe even play as Ein.
I really wouldn’t care if it followed the show’s plot because, well, the plot from the show is more beneath the waves than it is blaring in your face anyway. Plus the show has a very episodic feel to begin with so adding new stories would be cool.

Number Three: Fking Hoverboards
Alright I’ve lived the world of impossibles for too long. A live action X-Men TV show and even a port of a Cowboy Bebop game are too unrealistic. That’s why I’m ending this post with hoverboards. They’re practical.
And also: WHY DON”T THEY FKING EXIST?!
C’mon man, it’s the one idea the 80s had that didn’t totally suck. And that dick of a flimmaker Robert Zemeckis (I don’t care if that’s how you spell his name or not) totally lied about there being hoverboards already existing. The worst part about that previous sentence? The word “lied”. The second worst is Robert Zemeckis because, uh, well, he made that CGI version of Beowulf. And THAT was godawful.
Still though hoverboards would super special awesome on so many fking levels. It would be like skateboarding but with EVEN GREATER chance for injuries!!
Or at the very least guys just make Tony Hawk’s Pro Hoverboarder. That’s an acceptable compromise, right?

It is, dicks. Now get to it. I don’t have all week for this shit to be birthed into being.

I was hoping for a sequel to 2001’s smash hit “Bubble Boy”.

Sadly this was not what the news story was about in the slightest.

Apparently some kid was thought be stuck in some helium balloon that was adrift up amongst the clouds for a few hours or so. Also, the news decided this was a quote unquote “BIG FKING DEAL” so they evidently covered the shit live until it was over.
Here’s the M. Night Shyamalan twist to the whole thing (WARNING: MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS!!!!!): the boy was just hiding in the attic the whole time.

Why was he in the attic? I dunno. Maybe Trey Parker and Matt Stone made fun of his religion and he was throwing a one boy pouting session until he could work up the courage to sue them. (Is that reference dated? Who cares?)

Anyways, I didn’t even know this was actually going on until like twenty minutes ago. But I knew it was obviously breaking news when Katy Perry was Tweeting about it. And yes. I follow Katy Perry on Twitter. Shut up.

So yeah. What’s the moral to this story? Is it that parents should watch their kids? Is it that kids shouldn’t be retarded and stop screwing around with weather balloons? Does the media waste people’s time with pointless stories about nothing?
And who’s to blame, really?
Certainly not the parents. They named their kid Falcon. They can do whatever the fuck they want with the kid. Hell, this kid already has the potential to blow up a whole fking galaxy just by having that name.

We should worship this kid.

Laterz.

Sew this kingly king, this Sailor King, did sit belonely betweeth a tree am a plot. He were a hawty king, dis Sailor King. Le bagel était mûr mais son visage était George.

Naklar! Naklar! Ja vole, the moley wohl.

Jimmy the John sedd to tha Kingly Sailyr King that he were knot to be be invited too thee Wayk. (There wur cayk and da Sayler Keengh was allegory to eat) (Oui)

The kingly king ate das laars and it fillyed him up up UP (and awayward). Jim-e Jon was most downset abot dis. So kylld the sayly king wif a pesci della tartaruga (Un pato). The kingly king dyed.

Ev’rywon where sad fur he, the sailer kingly king, wurr a gutlich kingly king-a-mah-jingo. Yaho. (Gewgel)

Jim Jahnn were ex-communioned from da sitty.The town were madd at hem. (Yew wood be two if you wereknot won).

Hallabuloo and zigfreed ross alvo ate das lars butt didint tell no one sew dey wurr knotted exploytid by Jemm Johann, who were der vatervalve. Day decided (coppla) tew keep eet to demshelfs. It wurr the gud thin ter dew.

Den eye thot eye nu wot da storie were bout butte eye didint. It wereint bout nuffing. It were bout ev’ryfing. That is too say, sumfink. Eye fink. (Barton?)

(Translation: Finnegans Wake is an interesting book. You should check it out sometime.)