Kahenya

What is social media - Interview by Larry Madowo with Mark...

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 11:02:17 +0300

What is social media - Interview by Larry Madowo with Mark Kaigwa and Kahenya Kamunyu

We have “invented” Morula (Amarula) trees in Kenya....

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 06:39:48 +0300

We have “invented” Morula (Amarula) trees in Kenya. We did them last night with my father as we kick start our tree initiative. Since Morula trees are not native to Kenya, we had to plant the cuttings in plastic bags which contained sandy soil mixed with charcoal. Charcoal seems to do something to trees positively so we put in a layer. In total, we have 5 new morulas planted.

So again, this is us officially kick starting our tree idea where we try get as many trees out to as many people as possible. And if anyone has an excuse, we are not even asking for money. Tree planting can be fun and if tree huggery is not ur thing, atleast you can get booze. So here we go. From Nov 1 - Nov 30th, we will get the trees and arrange for a tree planting tweetup in December before we go on break. Thank you everyone who is participating and swearing along.

P.S. Cause some people are feeling left out cause they dont swear, the words heck and flipping are now temporarily accepted in the tree lexicon and if you don’t want to think about a swear word, you can simple say I smiled for a tree. That way, everyone if involved.

Good luck everyone. And help us make Kenya greener. And for those of us who have contributed whole heartedly without reservation, God bless you.

Swear For A Tree

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 12:21:40 +0300

I’m not going to justify swearing (my first lie), but I swear a lot. Maybe one day I will change, but not today. So I am going to do this as my contribution to saving the Mau Forest and Kenya in the way I best know how~~, short of hacking a bank and stealing money and buying trees~~. First of all I republished the last Blog Post Censored (which was hard) @afromusing had to take a look over it cause I was not sure I had it bang on. That way, there is no excuses for anyone who dislikes my swearing, and I figure there are someone does not feel left out on this saga.

Now, here is the deal, me and @afromusing have come up with the idea of Swear For A Tree (I came up with the idea, @afromusing cringed but she loved the idea). The month of November, anyone who swears on twitter will be liable to buy a seedling from KEFRI and plant it somewhere. Every swear word is worth 10 shillings and the seedlings are worth 10 shillings a piece so yeah. I will arrange for the purchase and deliver the trees to a central place. This will be in December. There will be a tweetup and we will arrange for the trees to be planted. Some details we have to finalize are minute but will not affect the initial challenge.

So swear away, and don’t cheat. If you cheat, you donate an extra 10 trees per cheat. If you swear, come back to this link, which is now default on my twitter profile for the month of December, login into my blog (the comment part) and paste your tweet there. That way, we will be able to count how many trees we need to but. I suppose Banks will be Finance Officer in charge of monies for the time being.

Finally as CEO (Yay, an executive order) of ViRN Instruments, Wallapa - Simple Travel (which is a ViRN Instruments Company - come on, this is free publicity for me, I have to do it) will further donate 500 trees on top of whatever I donate, plus for every new video we will donate 5 trees on top of the 500. That means, there will be a ton of trees available and stuff. We don’t need committees and organizations and yadda yadda yadda, we just need trees and land. We don’t need government, we just need trees and land to put the trees in. Anything else, is unnecessary.

So swear away lads and lasses. WTF??? Oh and maafaka scores you double points.

Guys, look, our government doesn’t care about the Mau right now,...

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 22:46:27 +0300

Guys, look, our government doesn’t care about the Mau right now, cause there is too much money at stake, they are like 6000% involved in it, they are the same tree-loggers or finance operations, they won’t do anything till they are paid more, etc etc, and besides, they are too busy preparing for the next scam and 2012. We don’t need government to save the Mau, cause they are irresponsible and we all knew this was going to happen. I mean, they beat up Wangari Maathai and she ended up winning a Nobel Prize and what she said is now happening. Sad to see our dirty linen on CNN this morning but its out there. There won’t be much Mau or even much Kenya left if we don’t do what we need to do and save what’s left to save. So, its much easier to do this. Plant a tree somewhere. It does not matter where. On all our shambas, we have set space aside and planted trees and today we are planting some more. Send a text to your relatives in ocha, friends, enemies, everyone, to plant atleast one tree by Sunday. Don’t however send a text to your local MP, Minister, President (active or inactive), Prime Minister (he is in Europe wasting tax-payers money) or favourite politician, they should be responsible to be sending this message out, not us. Mention it to everyone today that they need to plant a tree somewhere. It helps out somehow. I’m no tree hugger, but I know a tree on the ground somewhere is going to help somehow, even if in giving you a place to lie down under the sun one day and tune your chick or get tuned, its sawa. You can get your seedlings just about anywhere, the roadside guys are a good start, I’m getting mine from Kenya Forestry Research Institute (KEFRI).

Forget the politicians, they should know better.

Guys, look, our government doesn’t give a fuck about the...

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 13:41:56 +0300

Guys, look, our government doesn’t give a fuck about the Mau right now, cause there is too much money at stake, they are like 6000% involved in it, they are the same tree-loggers or finance operations, they won’t do anything till they are paid more, etc etc, and besides, they are too busy preparing for the next scam and 2012. We don’t need government to save the Mau, cause they are irresponsible and we all knew this shit was going to happen. I mean, they beat the organic living shit out of Wangari Maathai and she ended up winning a Nobel Prize and what she said is now happening. Sad to see our dirty linen on CNN this morning but its out there. There won’t be much Mau or even much Kenya left if we don’t do what we need to do and save what’s left to save. So, its much easier to do this. Plant a tree somewhere. It does not matter where, well, except in your throne, bet you it makes shit difficult (pun intended). On all our shambas, we have set space aside and planted trees and today we are planting some more. Send a text to your relatives in ocha, friends, enemies, clandes, everyone, to plant atleast one tree by Sunday. Don’t however send a text to your local MP, Minister, President (active or inactive), Prime Minister (he is in Europe wasting tax-payers money) or favourite politician, they should be responsible to be sending this message out, not us. Mention it to everyone today that they need to plant a tree somewhere. It helps out somehow. I’m no tree hugger, but I know a tree on the ground somewhere is going to help somehow, even if in giving you a place to lie down under the sun one day and tune your chick or get tuned, its sawa. You can get your seedlings just about anywhere, the roadside guys are a good start, I’m getting mine from Kenya Forestry Research Institute (KEFRI).

Forget the politicians, they should know better.

Dusty Guide Of What To Do When Arrested In Kenya

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 08:48:00 +0300

Last year I got nicked for some video I made for Barcamp Africa held at the Google Plex, and my home was raided a shit load of times, till I could recite that warrant which is written, “We are instructed by… shit”. I’ve been to CID HQ countless times and answered questions like how heavy are my balls and how many times do I sit on my throne and shit like that. CID has been to my house when I was high, in the process of getting high, and I used to flush so much shit down the throne that the throne stunk like a Bercha Bet in Amsterdam, then I figured they were never coming after this shit. It was the more “political” shit I was talking about that was the issue. My friend Charles also told me his rendition of how his shit happened when he was nicked so there has to be a guide for this shit right?

Disclaimer. I am involved in Hatari.co.ke, whose about page is coming, and I do not advocate for how to get away from crime. I am talking more about dissidents. Shit that’s such a strong word, I’ll probably get nicked for using it. When we eventually get nicked for throwing shoes in Parliament, this will be the strategy employed.

1. Shut the fuck up

Never ever admit to shit on street level, in public or before more people than necessary, leave the talking to your lawyer in the Police Station or wherever you will be getting tortured. Take the time during the ride to think and pray to your personal God cause you my friend are fucked, but whatever you do, shut the fuck up. If you must talk, are fidgety, nervous, whatever, sing bah bah black sheep or pray whispering or fart. Farting however will get you beaten up or shot and a gun planted on you. Whatever, you do, shut the fuck up!!!

2. Don’t run

You are giving the police a reason to shoot you and plant a gun on you and if the catch up with you, they will beat the shit out of you, or shoot you and plant a gun on you and still beat you if you choose to remain alive. If the guy says simama hapo, stand there like a tree. Much rather let the bus run over you, because it will be less painful than whatever else is bound to happen to you. Put your hands where the police can see them. If you get caught naked, trust me, your hands are always better in the air, than covering your shit up, cause the police will shoot you and plant a gun on you and claim self defence. It does not matter whether you are a Pastor or some shit like that, you will get shot and a gun will be planted on you. Don’t run.

3. Don’t resist arrest

Cause you will get beaten up, and that shit is not so funny. If you run, or resist arrest, you are only giving the guy reason to beat the living shit out of you, or shoot you and plant a gun on you. If you ever challenge a policeman, you are giving him reason to beat you up, shoot you and plant a gun on you and he can claim you were resisting arrest. Let them cuff you and if you are nice to them, the cuffs won’t be too tight. However, if you resist, your hands will be swollen cause they will tighten those maafakas like a nonsense. Just submit.

4. Don’t believe the police cause they lie

Never ever cut a deal with the police or believe what they are saying. Cause 99% of the time, they are lying to you or assuming or guessing and they are good in playing psychology. If you get nicked with a bottle of beer, generally assume that the bottle is not in your hand and virtually appeared there by a miracle that only East African Breweries can explain. If the policemen say the bottle is yours, its not. Police will not make your life easier when you get nicked, so the if you believe them, you are making it easier for them to pin shit on you, beat you up or shoot you and plant a gun on you. Let them work for it. If you are at a point of believing them, switch to your mother-tongue or shut the fuck up.

5. Don’t let them search all your shit

If the police are after your car, searching for shit, that does not include your house or anything else. Strictly for the car. Besides, you don’t ever want them inside your house to find shit you don’t want them to find like a baggy of shit you were planning to smoke later with that fly Miss Independent Nipples, ~~no, not you baby, those are my nipples~~. Fool, the car means the car, and nowhere else. If you own or rent the flat next door too, and that’s where the nefarious shit happens, if the seizure/search order/warrant says number 10 Building X, number 11 is not an extension of number 10. As far as you know, that’s owned by Santa Claus and he is a terrorist and that’s that.

6. Careful where your eyes look, you are selling yourself

The police are usually clueless as to what they are looking for especially when they are looking for media shit and papers. Now if you have hidden the baggy of shit inside your roll of tissue paper, looking at the tissue paper is telling the police, I hide the shit there. Don’t be dumb. Statistically, police will raid your crib and won’t find shit cause they are busy beating the organic shit out of you, shooting you and planting a gun on you or scaring you to know where the shit is. If they ask for books, show them your Bible/Koran/Whatever Manual Your Compiler supplied you with, and your girl’s “How to be a nice wifey” books. But don’t go showing them your original signed Ngugi Wa Thiongos or your Kenyan Porn DVDs. And don’t look at where you are hiding them. If you have a gun and they have a dog, get down on your knees and pray and close your eyes and wish that this shit is not happening, cause that bitch will sniff Bishop Margaret’s silly little pubes in Mathare if you ask it to. Of course, running and pulling this shit from wherever you hid it trying to be a Mister/Miss Goody Two Shoes (you stupid maafaka) and saying here it is will get you shot dead and trust me, here, they have no reason to plant shit cause you have this shit on you. You dumb maafaka, why do you have a gun?

7. Don’t talk shit to them

And this is even a challenge for me cause I swear alot. Tell that policeman to go fuck himself with his G-3 rifle ontop of Integrity House and you just gave him the right to beat you up, or shoot you and plant a gun on you, or prejudice you and make sure that when you finally end up in Kamiti Maximum Prison and Omundu is introducing your asshole to his snorkel, they are not really concerned. Answer, yes, and no and that’s it. Are you are dog? Yes or No applies. This also applies to police dogs. Now there is no real answer to this one, and I have never really understood how to answer this, but the fact is, you cannot call the dog a dog, cause its an afande. Now, if you call the dog afande, the cops get pissed off cause you just equated them to the dog. This is enough reason for them to beat you up or shoot you and plant a gun on you and claim you were attacking the creature. If the dog is mauling you, scream and moan and bitch but for heavens sake, don’t insult or beat the dog. Cause the police will beat you up, or shoot you and plant a gun on you.

8. No warrant or search order, don’t let them in and don’t step out even to fart

Now this is 50-50 and there is no clear cut method of what should really happen. Now, depending on the situation, if its a bullshit thing like is Kahenya hiding out here, fine, nobody is walking in. If its a for real thing like is Kahenya hiding here with Al Shabaab, I guess you are on your own and we is about to get fucked cause for some weird reason, Al Shabaab always seem to invoke some sort of shooting everytime they run into some authority figure, so if you must hide, out, don’t hide out with Al Shabaab. Or Mungiki, and for fuck sakes if you must get involved with Mungiki, don’t leave the skull and bones all over your house and have cuts all over you ass. If the police are conducting simple queries about the guy who got beat up jana, and your blood soaked t-shirt is still inside the house cause you lazy stupid maafaka forgot to get rid of the evidence, don’t let this bastards in. They can bang on your doors and shit for all they want, but on some more serious shit, better not be home. Let them break in. While they are busy banging on your doors, you are busy calling your lawyers and asking for help, cause eventually, they will obtain or forge a search order or warrant, by which, you have flushed down that shit that you should not have had or smoked it if you have time and balls. However, if you appear hostile, the policeman will beat you up, or shoot and plant a gun on you. And there is nothing more pleasant than them shooting you and planting a gun on you and then deciding that your family home is your criminal den.

9. Get arrested outside, don’t go back into the crib

If you are in only your knickers are nicked outside your house, that’s the way you are going to jail. Tell your family members, girlfriend, boyfriend, lawyer, pastor, pet gecko or whoever to bring your shit there and for heavens sakes to check the pockets and make sure there is nothing inside. Bringing your jeans that you use to go buy shit or hide your political master plan or dissident email, does not help and is worsened when there is a joint or two inside your shit. Or worse still seeds. You were arrested for killing someone. You don’t need another charge of possession. Now, the risk of you getting nicked while in your knickers outside your home, is that if the policemen ask you to dress up and they choose to escort you, then you allowing them into your house is allowing them to search your house for shit and you have basically given them permission. Now, if the arrest charge comes with a search charge, then shut the fuck up cause you know you have shit in your house and they don’t know where you live, so why are you telling them where all the evidence to convict you is? As of the time they guy yelled simama, you got amnesia, are for all intents and purposes a frog and you live in Mathare hospital with Matiba who is your right hand man on the Titanic. And worse still, you going out in your knickers to pick up milk or more “Hot Condoms” will not be helped by you bringing back cops who end up shooting you and planting a gun on you. While you are applauded for thinking about using some sort of protection, I will ask the policemen to shoot your ass and plant a gun on you if the find you using “Hot condoms” you simple bastard.

10. Shut the fuck up some more

SHUT THE FUCK UP SOME MORE!!! Don’t say a bloody thing. If its cold, let your batteries shiver on your behalf. Girls, if this shit is happening inside the house, put on a very thick bra that does not go showing that you nipples have ideas of their own. Not only do you look silly, but you also show fear, and that means the guys can intimidate your ass into selling me out and where me and Rudy are hiding. And that won’t do. Cram your ID number and your lawyers mobile numbers (he has more than one, and if he only gave you one, he does not value you as a customer) and all that other shit and tell your lawyer or a friend you can trust where the bail money is. Because I can almost guess what I am going to get nicked for next and when, the charge is always the same, I always have some bail money in the house. In the sugar bowl or freezer underneath the fish, somewhere. Let them come get the money there. Be prepared. If you are being naughty, and you have an odd feeling that you will get nicked, for fuck sakes, have bail money and no illegal shit on you at any time and don’t go buying shit to smoke when the heat is on you. It only helps them add some more shit to you and don’t forget smoking/possession of shit is a mandatory 10 years. And remember, when you get nicked, chances are you don’t get released irregardless of bail money, and don’t get nicked over the weekend. You have to wait till Monday to get out.

Now if you read this guide carefully, you will realise that there is a lot of shit that will get you beat up, shot and a gun planted on you, and extra charges on your ass. Now, this strategy is not full-proof cause in Kenya and pretty much Africa, the law tends to be extremely flexible and charges are not really understood or clarified till you get before the magistrate. Technically speaking, the police arrest and charge, but they cannot decide if you are guilty or not unless the you break some rules in that list and they decide to shoot you and plant a gun on you. Some straight forward shit can be decided and sorted financially in the Police Station but not at CID HQ cause they will add another charge and here you are earning ~~Air~~ Prison Miles. That policeman friend that you know is useful half the time. The other half of the time, he is too lowly to get you out of a shit you are in. That’s why you know him. Every important cop you think you know, will not be around to help you out. So, you will be fucked.

Reblog - 3 In 1

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 19:51:38 +0300

This is a reblog. Anyone from the diaspora please read this. I don’t know about others but there is a breed of diasporans emerging who are tending to believe that Africans in Africa are amongst the lowest breed of humans and that they are too stupid to understand things. Its getting worse because now we are being accused of being ignorant. Lets clear the air. Kibaki is my black President and my idiot. Obama is yours. You cannot claim you know whats really going on in Africa when you are watching CNN and BBC. Trust me, what you get from the media, facebook, twitter, texts and emails from family and friends, phone calls does not amount to 10% of what is really going on here. You need to be here to make your comments and thoughts. There are diasporans who understand this balance and I respect them for that, but the others don’t seem to think that we even have the brains to work a Blackberry or iPhone or don’t understand what IPOs and who our CEOs are. Like we don’t build our own technologies. I don’t mind working with diasporans, but hands down, I can do what you can or better with the same resources you have, with the same money you have. But simply the fact that we have less, work from less and are close to doing more that you are with all your resources, should let you know that Africa rules. We rock, and we code and we are brilliant and we have the prettiest girls. Need more? Africa welcomes open minds. Got one, share. Don’t, don’t.

Two Faces

I have struggled to name this post. It was previously called Two Africans.

Just to clear the air, I am not and have never been (can’t speak for the future) anti-Google. I admire their business model and them as a business. But with the Barcamp thing as it was happening, a lot of people have become uncomfortable with the idea, and with Google creeping up within Africa, a lot of people are seeing their chances in IT sinking. I personally feel like we are sinking quickly to whatever new platform that comes out of the west. A lot of people have not noted but we don’t use Mixi or Cyworld. This are other social networks. And these are viable businesses, but difference is that they are Eastern Technologies. But I am not talking about them. And this is not a pity post.

I’m talking about two Africans. I used to live in London and Poland, and I would talk about Africa’s problems from afar. How pissed I would be about slow internet, expensive call costs, and impossibility to get anything done there. And I would talk about all this mostly to Melat, and one day she said something that was so significant. She said we are two different Africans. My problems and her problems were not the same. I was talking about “BBC problems” and “CNN problems”, but not the problems of being here. I was talking about late trains and she was worried about war not breaking out, I would talk about petrol hitting £ 1.00 and she was talking about elections and terrorism. I was worried about missing my weekly flights to Scotland, or hating hotel food (which I do) and she was talking about getting anything to eat, and surviving disease. I was talking about Northern Rock and bankruns, and she was worried about the bank being opened tomorrow.

ViRN Instruments (my baby) was never intended to be launched in Kenya. It was a London Business, supposed to be based in London for solving African problems. But every time I asked people to join up, they said, glad to but we have many more issues to solve. So I left London came home, and it all made sense. There are a ton of people here, with brilliant ideas and there are a lot of people in the diaspora who have a lot of ideas. Difference is that the African here won’t make it because their problems are far greater than for the African there. To attend say BarcampAfrica in Seattle, they have to apply for visas (which the won’t get), buy plane tickets at I think US$ 1500 and then there is the issue of accomodation for a week or so, to come talk to people who will probably not change how they do business because in reality, it won’t be about making the trip, but surviving. For the other African, all he has to do at the least is get inside a taxi and drive up the road, at the most buy a US$ 200 ticket on Virgin or Jetblue and tread across the country. And the people to who this camp would have mattered the most, if very very few if any will attend. And it won’t matter if there is a livestream, or skype stream, people won’t be as much interested as they were in their own Barcamps. Because to them, it has very little or nothing to do with them. And hearing things from a far is not the same as coming and talking about it. You sit here local ground with all this Africans who have to fight Google in the morning, and then try get money together in the afternoon, and you will know the difference. I am an African caught between both worlds. I actually was planning to attend Barcampafrica, but the say US$ 3,000 I would have spent has gone to a couple of microfinance ventures. I asked myself, why would I get on a plane, travel to the other side of the world to talk about my problems to people who don’t share the same problems as I do? And skunkworks people are thinking the same thing.

The African over there is thinking, Jetblue is late, crap, I’m gonna be late for this Camp thing, and the African here is thinking Google moved into this line of business, here, crap, there goes that idea. Which is why I believe Joe Mucheru made the wrong decision in going to work for Google. I believe he would have fullfilled a better role locally in developing local technologies. But we all have different agendas and goals in life. This is Barcamp, but not for the Africans who so deserve it here. And no matter what you believe you want to achieve, and as much as you want to try involve as many Africans as possible, put yourselves in their shoes and not yours.

For the Barcamp guys, I won’t bitch about this anymore. With all the Barcamp Spirit I can offer, I wish you all the best, looking forward to reading reviews and seeing pictures from Barcamp.

Best wishes.

Kahenya

They Made Us Slaves (Part 2)

I’m very disappointed in the diaspora cause its full of haters. And its sad because when they talk about we, they refer to them and their adopted country folk. Which is ok, cause we don’t really need them back here, we are doing just fine. This is to the Kenyan and Ethiopian haters. Kenyan haters cause you have been trying to fuck our game up and Ethiopian haters cause when I wrote the first post, you nearly murdered me on the net. And also offline. I’m not here to try and impress you. So stop trying to impress me. I’ve heard of American National Bank Of Texas, have you heard of Ndetika Rural Sacco Ltd Savings & Credit Societies or Dashen bank? Does that impress you? Yes we know Visa, you heard of Kenswitch or Pesa Point? Yes, this is a 3rd world country, hell, the entire Africa is 3rd world, but we are building our own technologies, our own systems and we are doing it from here. Not there. We have crawling internet, Safaricom is fucking us over, Zain is confused, EMTN wont allow competitors, but the mutherfucking cable is here. Amen. And its changing. We have Berries, we Tweet, we Mac, fucking hell even Wesonga has Nancy. Even Meles Zenawi is on twitter and thats something to be proud of. We might be fighting for one acre of land with those ~~matoke eating bastards~~ Ugandans, and Martha Karua has gone to find God, Jesus and State House, I’m wondering if her clande is guiding her on some of those topics, and the sun is still melting our asses making us a tad shade darker when we walk through our streets hustling for bread and water to become closer to Jesus, ~~and I can even afford to have a muthefucking stalker.~~, we had our own Enron, and matter of fact, Obama ain’t Kenyan. Don’t mistake heritage with your own personal bragging rights shit. I’m Kenyan like Obama. Its on your blog. Being born in Nyandarua is far from birth in Honolulu. Even I know that. But your ignorant asses are sweating us. Treating us like we are down here and you are up there, hell even Meles Zenawi is on twitter. Progress. Look, we love politics, and Raila and Kibaki will still rumble, Kibera will still pull out train tracks in years to come, but we are not yet forgotten, obscure or dead. You are.

Don’t get me wrong, there are brilliant geniuses out there in the diaspora who we are working with, there are those who say they will do, and I’m still waiting (I know I’m guilty of this one), there are those who are busy doing shit and won’t want shit to do with us which is cool, but its you who from two oceans away want to ~~stick your tongue up my asshole~~ get into my business and criticise me for what I say or do without any construction in your words. ~~What? is your mind still under construction? Do you fucking see a million dollar budgets around here?~~ Nobody is against constructive criticism, but you are just hating. There are people in the diaspora who have are magicians, I mean Window is building us a window to explore the world, Erik and Juliana are giving us voices, and we are talking, Wangari is playing that movie again, guys I haven’t ever talked to like Maluka are painting the world, SomaliaArtiste who is waiting for her day to play with Mogadishu sand, alongside Knaan, Jal is rapping the shit out of the Sudan war, Obie and his birthed out a new soldier (God bless), but all you haters are simply showing us that they bought new cars and shit. 401 and credit cards, dudes, we have Okoa Jahazi by Safaricom. Even Wesonga insured Nancy so he is somewhere. And we even got greens we call veggies and digest them over the roofs and make yesterday disappear for a minute or two but we are not fucking with the white lines not even when we are parking our cars. You are. ~~Shit, we can’t afford that in the first place, and who knows who to ask for that shit?~~

All I’m saying is come on, give us a break. Let us hustle as we know how to, or how the day permits us to. We are doing our best and if its not good enough for you, Frisco bridge has sure lots of spots which have diving boards and the ocean water looks so inviting.

They made us slaves

I have just had an interesting conversation with an Eritrean guy I know, good buddy called Mike. We hang out a lot when I’m in his side of town. This postl is intended for the Ethiopian Community on Twitter or those who read my blog. Get pissed off, really, if you read my blog, you know that I really don’t really give a fuck.

We know that the African Union holds office at Addis Ababa. Ethiopia also happens to be the only country in Africa that was not colonized. Hence the people are more proud. But I’ve been hanging out with Habesha folk especially because my wifey is Habesha, and the one thing I have come to learn is that America is your Promised Land. And its all good. Guess we all need that. But it is sad for you to be sitting in a small room in Chai Road (near Eastleigh, Isilii) waiting for a UN process to make you a citizen of some Western Country where you will have a better life. Or worse still be a nice beautiful thing, 20/21 ending up married to a 60 year old guy because he gave you that hope of getting a visa to go to America.

Not to be rude or anything, but there is nothing out there for you. You are making us slaves. Your lives are here. I know its tough to hear when work is not coming and life is not going anywhere, but we are going to make it happen now, together. From changes of guard to employement, to reduction in social ills, but you have to wake up and make the first step, not me. Its not about being broke, poor, illiterate, its first about taking charge and saying I will make it better. Ethiopians are very proud but lose their pride when it comes to America. ~~Or money.~~

Why did I point out Ethiopia? Because of the migrated numbers from Africa to the West, Ethiopians are the largest migrated. They by far request more Visas to Western countries than any other country in the world. However, worse than being in a dictatorship, the Number 1 cause of Ethiopian problems today is laziness, followed by ignorance. The search for a better life means that half of those who attempt to go to a Western country through a backdoor route end up dead or enslaved in a prostitution ring, or in a loveless marriage. The other half end up in foreign countries waiting for a UN process that turns them into Refugees. This in turn means that they will end up doing unskilled blue collar work, instead being the lions that they are. They will not get a vocation, they will not study, and they will never return home, except when the die or get deported. This also means that Ethiopia has an employement gap and this in turn causes investors to lose motivation. Only the Chinese are investing large scale, and they are primarily bringing their own people to work there, thus creating jobs for themselves but not for the Ethiopians.

Ethiopians, America is not your Promised Land.

Every Males Dusty Guide To Owning Independent Nipples

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 15:38:00 +0300

Miss Independent Nipples, see we always have a talk and the focus of attention here is you not me, I don’t exist. I’ve become smarter at this dating shit, I have learnt a couple of new tricks. Miss Independent nipples, understand this, I would rather spend time inside the you than inside the office, but to get, inside you, i need to be inside the office so that I can make enough money to buy “HOT” condoms and spend the rest of the day inside you.

But I don’t want her to know that I know certain shit that she thinks she can come and game me and try get ahead of my game. First of all, the reality is that women ~~want to date~~ fuck a nigga cause a nigga has money and a car and a nice crib. No-one can ever change that arithmetic, upende usipende. Do you think we don’t know that? Your mum sitting in Malaba does not want you to introduce your new boyfriend from the backseat of Eldoret Express? Ati mum, I moved to Nairobi ,fucked my way up the corporate ladder to bring you this Eldoret Express faring customer? Lets be realistic, I am not jaded in how I choose to live my life and if you are introducing me from the back of a Boda Boda as that nigga making you scream 10 million times in the night, well fine. I will never ever buy a car cause it will make me more appealing to women. Kwanza now El Nino has arrived. I will take you for lunch to Outspan in a fucking 7-aside and we will arrive at 3pm, have a quick lunch, no fucking dessert (unless you are paying) and head back, and if you dare complain about not being able to enjoy it quite as much, well, when you wipe your ass, count the beans inside the throne, cause they came from my labour. Bitch I drive a ~~Rav4~~ Global Warming Climate Destroyer but we will get into a 7-aside matatu when its called for. And that’s my car. I decide how I use it, and the only decision between you and my car is where the sex is happening. Kwani you think the ass you are throwing this way makes me recession proof? Get the fuck out of here. The way I live is my choice and the Banks Decision as well. If its short, I won’t live long cause the end of the month makes shit tough, and tough shit don’t get wiped well by a newspaper now does it?

~~Disclaimer, no sense of humour, go fuck yourself and if you think this is a sexist post, it is. This is rushed and has been clearly not thought through so, bear with us.~~

The ~~fucking~~ guide

1. The best independent nipples to own are the ones who have not had sex in a month, or have been paying for their own drinks for the last 6 months. You don’t even need to set terms and conditions. You just hop on.

Here is the argument, they have time to play hard to get. Ati, text me later, call me later and this shit is going on for 6 months. Two things, she is fucking someone else and is using you, and she knows the guy she is fucking is good for rent, drinks, food and holidays but not for long term, and you are husband-material in which case, she needs tabs. So, a normal chick will after a couple of ~~hours~~ days or weeks hop in the sack with you. if its been over 2 months, she better be a virgin (with proof) or you my friend are getting fucked over. However, you may get the occasional I don’t know where I am headed shit, and you don’t even get head. My advice, stay away, let someone find themselves a nice rich dude, cause that’s the vibe I get.

2. The Mohawk makes you look lesbian, and while i don’t mind fucking a lesbian, I get confused at how to address the other situation. Can we have a threesome?

Now, I don’t know when the world came to this, but the only reason women ever cut their hair on planet is if the have lice, or are having brain surgery, which I suppose you will need to get eventually to eventually rid of that void we call a brain but until then, why the fuck do u have a mohawk? If your guy lied to you that you look good in a mohawk, it means you have a silver velvet snapper and he does not need your stress. I don’t ever want to wake up and fuck you with images of David Beckham wearing a Man U shirt in my head. And why the fuck do u sleep in my 20k Man U t-shirt? Umetupa mbao!!!

3. The sex will matter a lot. Independent Nipples (especially from Meru as I learnt) are very good in bed, but where is the limit?

Me and Chris always have this talk when we are getting wasted, about whether to go for the Conservative Types or the Flat Out Whore in bed and it comes down to this important factors. A conservative chick will give you ass when she is horny, in which case is when its about that time of the month. Beyond that, you are fucking your hand with soap in the shower ~~with a gecko looking at you.~~ You get yourself a Flat Out Whore, she will fuck you to death and then on top of that she will fuck anything that moves. So the already shocked gecko and all your friends are all at risk or lucky. Which is which? But you will never know till both your nigger asses give birth to something that looks Chinese. Happens. But until then, It does not matter which gives you the last one where the whore is fucking u to death, and the gecko is lying next to you with a joint satisfied as your friends wait for their turn. There is no moral to this, cause I haven’t the faintest clue who it should be in the end, but at least you know, so you are smarter, right?

4. You (the jamaa) need to be hot and smart

You will never ever land a sexy set of Independent Nipples in your bed if all you talk about is how you spent Christmas in Malindi, which is located in Malaba, eating ingoho while drinking changaa. You need to be attractive and a lot of us are lacking in this department. And what you lack in the looks department, you make up for in the lies department. When she farts in bed, or when you are fucking, or any other time, you will of course not mind, what is the matter with you. You spent Kshs 19,999 at Nakumatt buying that new spring Bobmil that you are now drenching with sweat and gases. And you will look at her with lust and hidden shock and say baby, best I ever had. My guy, you need to correct her in a nice way. Telling her bitch, get the fuck out, isn’t correct. Quickly ejaculating, pulling out and lighting up a joint and not pretending that nothing happened is more along the lines of how I would be dealing with this. You did not ask her to stop, but you made her aware to be ever so discreet. Oh and Miss Independent Nipples, gas is not sexy. Not in any context. Maybe when you are double clicking your own mouse, you might get some extra sensation, but that you. Not we. So you need to be witty, smart, well rounded, religious like, clean, tidy, if you smoke weed like I did with Uhuru last week, don’t get all fucking paranoid and stupid and shit, control yourself. If she smokes shit and lets go, if you can look past her paranoia, puking, shrieking and shit, she makes for a good lay. But always get a consent form and ID or else you will either be bending in front of Omundu Strong in Kamiti Maximum and you know he does not need a consent form or an ID.

5. Girls look you in the eye and the damn sure lie.

All the girls on planet earth lie. Even your mum. She is a girl. I have never ever met a single woman on planet earth who has ever told me 100% the truth. Not one, not even the ones you are fucking on the regular, not the saved ones (especially them) and worse if you are fucking her and she is still claiming some I’m Saved garbage. Stop giving the honest real Saved Girls a bad name. If she really digs your ass, short of the hand of God, she will spend the rest of her life trying to see you. The only time a woman is honest with you is when she says she does not feel like seeing you cause she is a bitch, possessed by the devil, put on a mohawk and went lesbian for an hour, bored with you or is fucking someone else or is with someone more important than you or… she has better shit to do in her life, and you don’t prominently feature. Or she is giving you head and she says its code red and I wanted you to be satisfied. Everything else she is saying is to motivate you to improve your life or buy her something. A journalist once told me something which was part of their credo, that goes, if your mum tells you she loves you, start checking the facts.

6. She is independent, but she owes you the world.

The reality is that she owes you the world, cause after God, her family and her hair dresser, comes you. And if she is fucking with a mohawk, well, you are bound to be confused. She always want to experiment with your money. Ever notice that? You had a good week in the streets and you decide to take her to eat from someone elses plate and the parking lot of the restaurant you arrive in is full of cars with red number plates? After all her last “business associate” used to bring her for “business meetings” that would end up in a non-business like affair a top a Kingsdown mattress while you were gaming on a piece of shit? She ows you. Head, ass, her life, and a short lease of her soul. You ever get this chicks who think head is disgusting? But she does not mind when your moustache makes out with her silly little pubes? Fuck her!!! She owes you and she better be wearing scuba goggles as she inserts that snorkel in her mouth. Miss Independent nipples, as far as sex goes, short of ummm that butt thing, anything flies, and pretending you don’t enjoy, stop wasting my fucking time. Its rare.

What I am trying to say in short is that I love all the independent nipples I see, looking pretty, doing their thing and as of last night, some niggers with two batteries decided to go the independent nipples way, which is cool I guess, of course the relationship would not work, but hey, whatever bursts your nut, right? Women don’t seem to get it. But all this chicks who pretend they have not been inside a matatu when you live in the hood, cause you have a job you don’t cook or wash dishes, or some silly shit like that, always want to be in the party scene, and I’m the bank, fuck off, get a job, get a life, cause I can make than ~~man~~ woman my wife.

Colours Of Death

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 13:56:25 +0300

Disclaimer: This post contains disturbing images and is not for the fainthearted. Attributes and Appreciations go to Life Magazine, BBC, Guardian, Kate Holt, @afromusing, Mzunguchick, Associated Press, Getty Images, Agence France-Presse, European Pressphoto Agency, Reuters, Nation Media Group, and many others. Sorry about the messy attribution.

Someone has been asking why I said that Kenya has failed as a state and why the government to me has failed.

After all the pictures above, not a single politician has ever admitted to perpetrating crimes against humanity, cause the images above don’t show anything else. The same politicians will stand for re-election at 2012, will most likely never be arrested or tried, so if this is the basis of success for a current and future governments, then that to me is a failed state. The mere fact that politicians till today have not even bothered to admit their involvement in this, and they were involved in one way or another, the fact that the fate of Kenyans is being discussed in a failed parliament with little care and cause, the fact that Kofi Annan is involved in the misgivings of justice in Kenya in regard to the violence, makes us a failed state. Only differences between us and Somalia, or Sudan, is that we wear suits and are so greedy when it comes to money, but that is the only simple facts that to me stopped the violence. We are killers in suits, want to look stylish while killing and stealing, from expensive cars and houses on the hills doing what we know to do best. When Saitoti said that he doubted that Kenyans were rearming, only this time with guns and not pangas, it went to show the level of ignorance and attitude the Kenyan government has towards its citizens and true political processes. For them to quickly become defensive and not aggressive in countering the actual rearming actually shows that we are headed for violence, and that the same perpetrators are actually going to do this again. Its inevitable, and at one point, we will be on one side of the gun, depending on where fate puts you. I could be easily the killer or the killed, not by choice, but by circumstances, not willingly, but out of choice, and where we are headed, we will find ourselves in that difficult situation where we will have to make the decision to kill or be killed. Abstaining will easily lead to your death, so in the face of survival, you will victimize or be victimized. This are the realities that Kenyans are going to face, whether Koffi Annan likes it or not. Whether he is here or not.

This is why I believe that we have failed as a country.

Sport Day in Venda, South Africa ( Via Mailbox)

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 13:44:03 +0300

Sport Day in Venda, South Africa ( Via Mailbox)

No words (Via Mailbox)

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 13:25:35 +0300

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, ‘Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?’

‘I’m listening to the music of the tree,’ the other man replied.

‘You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me.’

‘No, would you like to give it a try?’

Understandably curious, the man says, ‘Well, OK…’ So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked,

‘What the heck happened to you?’

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear, undid his fly and said,

‘This just ain’t gonna be your day, cupcake…’

Skunkworks - Lets talk shop

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 12:00:51 +0300

Disclaimer, the reason this blog post is late is because @kaboro had to convert his pictures from some format from the camera below

to the new format below.

This are basically my 30 secs made up notes that I used to present myself to Skunkworks people. Good turn out, thank you KDN for the fucking sick sandwiches by the way, Phares for organising this shit, lets talk shop

1. Why did I go into business?

Business is fun. Being an entrepreneur is fun. Its a trip, a wild ride and besides my last employer in my exit letter that the posted to me mentioned somewhere that I was chronically unemployable (later realised that the HR guy was reading a book somewhere) cause I was thinking way past out of the box. Business ideas I work on are to simplify living, make it worth living. Business is supposed to be an adventure, its not about the money, money is the sweetner. Snoop said it, the game is to be told, not to be sold. And I agree. It was never about the money. Its the game, the hustle, the game changer, the disruptiveness, the madness, the stupidity, like when you meet someone and you can’t explain what overwhelms you. If you get a feeling like that, then you are in the right path of life, however, if you do it for the money, you won’t get far. As Wanyama said, if there is no emotional connection, then its the wrong thing for you.

2. Non-profit saga

You need to get involved with a non-profit or give away money somewhere when you can. Tithe, donate, throw away into a random crowd, but give away what you can afford, not what the tax benefits say, but what you can afford. Give away a million if you can afford it, rather than one hundred thousand that gets you the tax benefits. Hanging on to money, won’t get you anything but a big bank account, and a tax headache in some cases. By all means save what you need for basics and to grow, but anything above and beyond that, make someone elses day. The benefits come back to you. Always. Buying a Ferrari, if its your thing, cool, but as I heard at a Ted Talk somewhere, buying such a car means you need a hug and a lot more love in your life. I partially agree. I was disappointed at a TED talk by a Kenyan entrepreneur who to me sounded like she was bragging when she went to mention her car, a Tribeca, and how much money she used to start her business, which was fine, but in that case, the amount made me feel like I start dog and pony shops. Here is the reality. My first business I started was called Interactive Berry, with ZAR 150 in 2002. Under-capitalized and later sold it to Greg of Linuxpro. Greg is my “brother” and daddy to Abby, my beautiful niece. She however started an ISP with US$ 100k. Does that mean that mean that my business was not worth shit because it started with nothing?

3. Objectives

Set defined targets and milestones and have a wishlist. A realistic wishlist. In business, you need to know where you are going. No direction means you could run around like a chicken for days, months and if you have the money, even years. Fail to recognise this, you will be simply burning money. You need to recognise your achievements, milestones, reward yourself with a Ferrari, and get yourself a hug or two, get a big car, big house, big wife, the big life, but all within your objectives. Set aside time for your loved ones (and I have fucked up a lot of relationships cause of this one), birthdays, funerals, parties, sex, all that, make time for it. Life is too short and boring. to not watch your princess turn two, get her first tooth and make you change diapers at 3 in the morning.

4. Government and Legislation

Musalia Mudavadi is an idiot. The solutions he presented on TV for spurring business in Kenya, are daft. Lets start by sorting the government.

Government has no clue on what new business is. Government is not small-business friendly. Our legislation is still pro-monopoly and pro big business. Worse of all government has no business doing business. But they are. There is not a single government official that inspires me. There is not a single big business in Kenya, that makes me want to emulate them. Departments in Kenya are a mere joke. The CCK is 100% irrelevant in their actions towards being pro-startup. And the cost of registration is still slightly too high. Here is a simple example.

There is some funny government that gives you and 4 others about 50k to start a business. Thats 5 of you with 50k to startup a disruptive business. However, you have to pay 20k or so to register your business and meet Nairobi City Council costs. So between the 5 of youm, you now have 30k. What is the point of having such a fund? Setting up the small business people to fail from scratch is not the best foot forward.

5. Finance

This is many ways you can get your Kshs 1500 to start your business. The first train of thought as a Kenyan is ~~steal~~ a loan from your bank. I will tell you right now, Banks in Kenya are not big on loaning startups money, and worse still unsecured. Your family might be willing help you with some money and trust me, taking the money and not giving them a shareholding in your business is stupid. I will say it again. Even if they give you the money and don’t ask for it back, loan it to you at zero interest, give them a shareholding, even 5 - 10%. Even if you have to repay it back. Why? Its not about the money, this are people who believe in you, and will serve best as your directors. If your family has no faith in your business, you are doomed to fail. Eventually. Even faith in you as an individual. And families, its important to support your child when he/she/it decides he is going to invent the next best viagra, and he can prove its potent and organic and works like a charm. Not supporting and rewarding him/her/it is simply demoralising and because you don’t really get the idea, but you consume the product and it works, does not make it a bad idea.

Now, the bank has refused to give you a loan, so you go to a ~~loan shark~~ SME fund manager like me. I will loan you small bits of money and make you make me rich. ~~Vulture~~ Venture Capitalists in Kenya are rare and they always seem to know how best your business should run, even if the VC has never heard of the internet in their life.

Being filthy rich makes you very fucking stupid in most cases. Never ever trust a rich man in a suit. In jeans is fairly ok.

I am changing a rule here that I followed for years and now discovered does not work well in present day situations. Anyone, a big corporate, partner or associate who tries to hijack the concept with very little understanding of the concept is not someone to work with. The rule is that if you know that a box works, a triangle, rectangle or circle that the money sees will not work. The money is not the visionary. You are. The money is just the money. Always remains the money. They may offer advice, salient, but to make a fundamental change without thinking things through, as is often the case, ruins everything. I have personal experience from this.

Bootstrapping is the best way to go. As Liko said it, you serve your time with the man, and whatever you do, save to start and when you start, work on it slowly. When you have enough to start, you can start but keep your day job, cause bills don’t wait for cheques. Cheques wait for bills. Simple rules. Then build your business from your job, not the other way round. Transist from job to business, nd have a smooth sailing. Only quit when you have no other choice.

If you have a patent, you can use it as collateral to secure money in some banks. However, it better work, cause if it doesn’t work, the patent isn’t worth crap and worse still the bank is after you.

6. Making money

Hustle and work smart. Spend less time making deals and more time making money. Forget the 5 million shilling deal from Safaricom, its a one off and most of the time, will probably not really make you much. Rather, go for the small companies, the ones that struggle to pay, you, cause stick with them through the muck and they will (and for a long time) stick with you through the years, and remain loyal.

Big fish = small fry up. Small fish = big fry up.

Best example is with what KCB is doing charging people for depositing coins. I might not like 50 Cent, but in his movie, he made a lot of sense by accepting money, even change from his customers for whatever he sold. Cause pride, it wont get you far. So KCB charges you to deposit coins, and normally, the people depositing coins are the small guys, the newspaper vendors, shopkeepers, shoe shine men. If say a newspaper vendor makes 3 shillings per copy, and sells 100 copies a day, and deposits the amount in coins, loses a lot of money at the end of the day. So why bank with KCB? And this is also a huge failing on the Central Bank of Kenya to allow this to go largely unpunished. The CBK simply responding that coins are legal tender does not resolve this situation and other banks are following suit. The realities don’t exist. But those guys always collecting change, they will always make money.

The question about being married and making money. Interesting enough, this was originally brought to me by dad. And I agree, for those who know me well, and what has happened his year, I will tell you this, right now, you are making 5 million, but if you are married, thats like the lottery. Its very easy to make twice the amount any day. Cause your spouse keeps you grounded.

Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder (Via Mailbox)

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 23:20:07 +0300

……. .. … … … …..
.. . . … . . . . . .…. …. .. .. . … ..
… … .. … … … … …. …… … … … …. ….. .. ..
.. . . … .. . . . ..
… . …. … …. …. …
…… …. …. …. ….. ….. ….. .… …. ….
. .. .
. . .. . .. . …
……. … … … .. … ……. … .. …. … … …. ….
. .. .. .
.. ….
.. . . . . . .. .. … ..
.. …. .. … … ……. …… …..

Deep stuff hey? I cried when he said “. .. .”

Technology & Entrepreneurship Forum, 29th September 2009 (From the mailbox via @kaboro Skunkworks)

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 09:16:14 +0300

There will be a Tech & Entrepreneurship Forum on the 29th September, 2009, 4th Floor Teleposta Towers, from 5.30 PM.

Content will be as follows:

Why go into business? Do you have to? What do you aim to achieve? Is it better to start a Non-profit (Ushahidi)?
What objectives must one set in order to succeed. Stop flying blind
Dealing with government/registration etc
Finance, how to raise funding - Loans, VC, Angel investors?
Patenting ideas - How to make money from ‘soft capital’.
Making money. Chasing the numbers.

Speakers will include:

1. Liko Agosta - Founder and CEO of Verviant Limited - www.verviant.com, leading Web Developing firm and BPO Provider

2. Joshua Wanyama - Founder and CEO of Pamoja Media - www.pamojamedia.com, a TED fellow.

3. Caroline Juma of KCR Kenya.

4. Kahenya Kamunyu - CEO, ViRN Instruments. Involved with Zuqka, previously worked for BT, Yahoo, Sanyo Business, and Sony Playstation. Currently developing smart ideas and providing Venture Capital to small enterprises.

Special thanks to Alex Gakuru and KDN.

28 days

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 10:34:20 +0300

Yes, its been 28 days this month, this being the most difficult month of my life. I’m finally bandage free which is actually an excellent thing cause now I can swing the middle finger with real ease. A lot of shit has happened in a year and I guess I should have been keeping tabs on myself. Mum has been a bit worried about my mental health lately, and she came to my room, the other day and mentioned this to me. I of course zipped up my pants and put the goat away, and explained to her just a little bit of stress is all, and I had my mental shit in check.

So this the 28th I get my 28th. In a year, everything has gone to the pits, she had to go, left me broken for a minute, and introduced me to the new world called distrust, but after introducing me to sticky. Hard to imagine a year ago, we made out under the stars and let the wine show us just how far we came. 7 years, felt like 7 minutes and 7 centuries. That world, with is evils was perfect, but perfection might have been the weakness that ruined the moment. So me and Rudy, who hates me a lot and just won’t let that tail shit go, has been keeping me company, doing a lot of the shitting and very little cooking. Business has gone to hell, sometimes I feel less passionate about what I do, sometimes I just totally hate it. And the pretty face I had to say something bad to cause it was a bad day for me, I’m real sorry for everything I said. I know it changed everything, and its not an everyday thing. 2 years to go and it feels like a fucking 2 centuries. I know you won’t be waiting for me at the other side of the 2 years.

Ive beat the odds too, still breathing, beat the doctor’s numbers by a fucking mile and discovered that they keep you alive only as long as you have money to be kept alive, the fucking wankers. George however, cut his wings and now he is smiling over me. Even though I can feel life slowly escape me, fuck have I to be scared of? Life is certainly worth living I tell you. And if the end comes soon, hey, its been a good run, but good things always come to an end. At Least I won’t have to worry about elec and water shortages. I’m not racing with you down to the ground, I’m holding your hand walking with you. Don’t be scared Isabella, my hand is always open.

Carol thinks my broody state is nesting and shit, I won’t lie, I’m ready to be a daddy, get two princesses and maybe a wifey, but I don’t know about nesting, but there are things that are yet to be done, things that I want, but in my prayers and the Lord’s answer, I feel is wait for a minute. I’m waiting, if this don’t happen, its not so bad, there is a new T apparently I am supposed to buy ice cream, he might become my new best ninja. And you that I had to put an ocean between us, God’s blessings and forgive me for not being him. Even if I knew I was him, I had to lie to you, cause you were her, but the time was not then. Its not now. Blame me for it, not you.

And to those who were friends, sometimes, the distance is healthy sometimes not having to look at you again, and not see your pain is healthy. I bear no grudges, and I will always be here, we can always be friends, when we heal, or maybe we can hide behind keyboards, slowly avoiding each other, creating new wars when the old ones are freshly healed. I will always be here, to love you and hate you when you command. And to the best of my friends, the government has their fingers up our bottoms, but we haven’t been dead for a minute yet, you stood by me when the grave was calling, if I shed tears then the devil might smile, so I’ll face the sun, knowing you lot are behind me, and if I catch a case, and she makes me hide for a minute, and stop breaking some commandments, don’t be pissed with me, I’m just chasing the sun trying to make a son who will grow up one day to be the man.

Thank you God, for just one more year.

Adobe Flash/FFMPEG issues on a CENTOS server

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 13:23:08 +0300

This is not even a bug, this is just fucked up but for the geeks at heart here is possibly one of the nastiest bugs to deal with on a production server.

I haven’t done a full traceback but this is as far as I am going to go.

The bug is when you are watching Flash Videos online and they either skip or drag or have no sound or some silly shit like that. Initially I thought it was the conversion process from format X, X being any format to FLV. I have been debugging why the same issue was happening with 3GP videos or any other mobile format videos and WMVs.

1. If you are on Firefox (Any version on any OS) using Flash, my current build is 10.0.32.18-0.1.1 on openSuSE 11.1, downgrade your flash to a slightly earlier build. This build seems to be buggy as hell and I cannot seem to fault Firefox on this one. This is not the fix, its just what worked for me at my time of need.

2. *DO NOT* downgrade you FFMPEG on the machine and try reconvert the files. I came to realise, you will crash the machine and may even be unable to login to the machine. And that ruins a perfectly good Friday afternoon. If you upgrade FFMPEG from DAG REPO, you will get a relocation error that looks something like this

relocation error: /usr/lib/libavdevice.so.52: symbol snd_pcm_htimestamp, version ALSA_0.9 not defined in file libasound.so.2 with link time reference

All you have to do is *NOT* reboot the server but rather uninstall FFMPEG and SDL, install a slightly earlier build of SDL, then do a standard install of FFMPEG and FFMPEG-devel. This will install/upgrade all the files needed including SDL. That fixes the relocation bug. There seems to be an issue with FFMPEG and Dependency Files from the DAG REPO. I would rather use files from the Packman REPO but Centos is a bitch on command line to get all that to work. And mine is an enterprise MC situation so u can imagine all sorts of horrors.

Happy hacking geeks

Mchongoano Reloaded! (From The Mailbox)

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 15:37:52 +0300

Enjoy…you might need it for the afte!!!! 1. Umeunga mpaka unatoanga ngozi ya miwa ka ndizi 2. ati nyinyi wadosi mpaka mkienda ocha mnabeba nguo kwa flash disk 3. naskia nyi mmesota mpaka munapika chapo side moja 4. wewe ni mweusi mpaka wameandika “scratch to reveal” kwa I.D yako 5. Weh ni mnono mpaka bed yako ikona zgwembe. 6. Wewe ni mweusi tu sana mpaka ukitupiwa mawe zinarudi zikisema hazijakucheki. 7. una masikio big ukiwa mtoi ulikuwa unabebwa kaa trophy 8. Kwenu muko wengi mpaka buda wenu ametengeza roundabout kwa hao. 9. We ni mweusi hadi ukipita karibu na plants zinadhani ni Dark Stage photosynthesis 10. unakichwa bigi hadi ukidream unadream 7 in 1 11. nilisikia ati kwenyu mkowengi hadi mbuyu wako akimcome badala ya kusema habari yenu anasema my fellow Kenyans! 12. Dame yako amekonda hadi yeye huchungulia kwa key hole na macho zote mbili. 13. Nyumba yenu imejengwa na ugali, wezi wakikuja wanasema “fungueni ama tutarudi na sukuma” 14. nyumba yenu imetengenezwa na matope.. mpaka wezi wakija wanasema.. “FUNGUA AMA TUIKOJOLEE!”.. 15. wewe ni mjinga… mpaka ulirepeat kunyonya. 16. ASUBUHI ASUBUHI githeri na colgate. 17. Radio yenu imezoea kisapere mpaka instead ya kusema kiss 100 inasemanga “mumunya igana” 18. Naskianga ati damu yako ni tamu jo, hadi mosquito zinakamingi na mandazi..!! 19. Ati uko na mdomo biggy hadi ungekuwa muimbaji ungetoa collabo pekee yako. 20. we ni mchoyo hadi unaflash.999.makarao 21. uko na ngozi tight mpaka ukikunja ngumi macho infunguka. 22. Doggy yenu imebeat hadi iki bark lazima ijishikilie kwa ukuta. 23. kwenu ni ocha sana hadi sms ikifika unaipanguza vumbi 24. Ati wewe ni mweusi hadi huwezi kuwa na a BRIGHT idea. 25. Manzi yako ni mkonda hadi mukienda kupanda mat unaambiwa”pole buda lakini hatubebi miwa” 26. Una kichwa kubwa mpaka dream zako zushow in dolby surround. 27. Ati wewe ni kichwa ngumu hadi ulikataa kuzaliwa uchi! 28. We ni mnono hadi ukikunywa novida huwezi get lifted! 29. kwenu nyinyi ni wezi hadi Ali baba and the 40 thieves walikam attacho kwenu. 30. Ati phone yako ni ya zamoh,ukitumiwa sms unaishia kucollect kwa post office. 31. msee ni mweusi hadi difference yake na midnight ni 11:59. 32. ati ndoto zako ni noma mpaka zi huanza… previously on.. 33. We ni mnatty hadi ukiswitch on nokia yako,badala ya hizo mikono kusalimiana,ziugota. 34. wewe ni mrefu hadi una magoti tatu kama ngamia 35. Nyinyi ni wadosi hadi dogi zenu zina dogi za kuzichunga. 36. wewe ni mfupi hadi unabebanga fifty bob kama mabati. 37. wee ni mnono hadi ukikalia novel zinakuwa short stories! 38. chuo yenu ni farthest by the time unafika ni 2nd term! 39. Manzi yako ame beat hadi badala ya kupelekwa extreem make ova, alipelekwa panel beating!

Legend of Kenya Inc.

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 22:49:00 +0300

Like I would not say some shit regarding this. This is like a 9 part piece and I want to break it down in a couple of ways.

After what happened to Carol and her very hot cousin who I swear nothing is going on between us, I was fucking pissed because I know this shit is just the beginning. Our parliamentarians, ministers and shit, are so fucking lost, it would take a compass to point to them where they left their pubes last. Mohamed Yusuf Haji left his brain in Somalia and brought his brown shitty ass here to preach stupidity. Thats all I will say about that. Stupid motherfucker, like people really give a shit about some bullshit Appropriations bill over starvation. Government Bills don’t mean shit to starving people and this guy wants to negotiate CDF money over the Appropriation Bill. Fucking waste of space.

And all this other shit going on is just a fucking joke going on. People are starving, unemployed, broke, sick, dying cause Kenya is one tough country to love in. At times, I want to take my money, head out to Mogadishu or Eastleigh (obviously more convenient) and buy a bazooka, some AK 47s and a couple of grenades and come rob a couple of banks just because shit is that much harder. Carol and the lovely *sigh* cousin were tied up, gracefully unharmed, but they lost all the shit they owned. The fuck? In their own homes, in apparently one of the most secure neighbourhoods in Nairobi, but no-one is safe anywhere. I was mad at Major General Hussein cause all the bullshit he fed us about security is really just bullshit. Rot in the post office prick and lick ur nuts while u are at it. I was pissed with Saitoti cause all he is is just a big ego minded gorilla with a brain the size of a sperm cell. All I know about Saitoti since he became minister is that he is running for President in 2012. Fuck all else he has done as a Minister. I was pissed with Kibaki, cause the people who are making shit happen in Kenya are the same people he fucked over. Not a very bright way to shake the hands of the people who died for is it? All he is busy doing is humping Muite’s ass over some shit that I think is just childish. And Muite needs to shut the fuck up and pay his debts. Idiot!!!

The government is doing shit else in trying to fix the shit we have. They spend 99% of the time politicking and not doing fuck all else to help the dying Kenyans or develop the countries. The roads projects and shit were projects from when Kibaki was actually making sense. Now just a fucking joke. But Kibaki is playing chess. And fucking us up. I have only one wish and one wish only. If parliament could spend the remainder of their term doing fuck all, just sit in parliament for the stipulated time, quietly, get their teas and cookies and steal but in silence, I would be grateful. Kenyans will fix the mess up and they can earn free money. Don’t try give us a new constitution, don’t politic, don’t promise shit they cant do, just don’t do anything but sit the fuck down and smile. We would be grateful. Keep the bloated cabinet, keep the 6 litre cars, don’t travel anymore, don’t do shit else, just shut the fuck up. We did not need a Prime Minister, so he can go back to Italy and play with himself for all I could give a fuck. After-all, if anyone is getting on Ida, they need a good dose of drugs, a whip and a crane. Raila is the most irrelevant person in Kenya, live alone the government and anyone who votes for this fool in the next election, well, now you know what you will be doing. We will vote in our government with the first change in constitution reducing the size of the government and removing the office of Prime Minister. We don’t need this shit. We need a benevolent dictator and I hereby endorse my candidate for 2012 as a one term candidate, John Michuki, my benevolent dictator and the only man with pretty brown hairy balls to sort out this shit.

I’m pissed of with Obama and Annan and all the pricks who recognize Raila and further on the legitimacy of the actions of Kenya. I have given up on this government. Mr. Obama, if Kenyans are saying no to this government, why would you say yes? By failing to recognize this shit, you help Kenyans step up closer to Democracy. Addressing them with the plight of dying Kenyans in place is shameful. Let them go. We already have. Let them go into autopilot. Look, there is like a whole novel of this shit that went down and everyones name is in that book and yet you guys break bread with them. Guess the West has certain evils and the East lacks the souls since Satan has been paying pennies for politicians. Annan, how the fuck could you endorse such a government?

And Ringera, keep up the good work. We admire you and you have so many supporters this side of the world. Just know when you come to my end of town, you might end up with a knife up your ass or some shit like that. Waititu, keep beating up people with stones and shit. Demonstrate street justice like we know it best cause our solutions to problems includes beating and eventually killing the nice people with the solutions.

The final bit is the humanitarian beat that Paula asked me to do. Paula is this cute doctor chick with curls and has a nice boyfriend, and she advocates for animals, like gender confused lions like Androcles, and loves making out with chimpanzees and bonobos and gorillas that look like me, sorry Peter, fact is a fact, and there is evidence online, so this shit cannot come back to me anyhow.

Anyway, I’ve been trying to get Paula to come out and help me throw shoes at parliament since it became the international way of expressing your anger and while I don’t want to get beaten up for throwing shoes at Kibaki, I figure it might be fun, and a nice way to get rid of a pair of snow boots that is long overdue. So, anyone else want to join us, please help me psyche up Paula and anyone else. Also, for immediate needs, we need to hookup some food, and not from Nakumatt (cause the profiteer and kill people) and Uchumi or any of this retailer. Lets do the wholesalers and start creating sustainable solutions like Dad is doing making sure that other than putting spoons and stuff in peoples mouths, we give them a brain and mindset to actually sustain themselves. Giving people food rarely works in a long term solutions, so we need to raise awareness. Paula, if I missed a heartbeat, feel free to stand in and swing a bat. We need to help those ones starving cause next day, it could be me or you and someone else playing bump on the buttons telling this story. If you can do something, anything, tell us where we are going wrong, feel free to object. Got a pair of shoes you want to throw at a politician, and probably get nicked, we have open slots so feel free. The more the shoes, the better.

And Lewis Nguyai can go hang, what a worthless MP, excuse of a human being.

Help Save My Ass!!!

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 15:03:09 +0300

Hi,

You probably know my name by now, which is cool. No need for introductions. Yesterday morning, I had surgery to resolve a good dose of sepsis and this morning I’m back at work. Wasn’t major work, but surgery is surgery.

I am suffering from a rare genetic muscle disorder whose trigger is unknown. So far there have been variating suspects, e.g. Medicines, Certain Vegetables and Organic Substances (e.g. garlic, sesame seeds etc) but nothing can be proven as of yet. Anyway, once triggered, rhabdomyolysis starts and triggers acute renal failure due to overload of the breakdown. Long story short, this is slowly killing me, and I have been advised that if I have another attack, this could prove fatal.

We need to find a trigger and hence I need invasive exploratory surgery of the muscle tissue, so that they can diagnose the muscle enzymes so that we can identify the trigger and hence create a proper control system. Without this, the next meal I take or drink or even the slightest scratch that causes bleeding could be my last.

Please note, this is not an appeal for money, much rather anyone who knows any hospitals in Eastern Europe or Cuba who can do the surgery and subsequent diagnosis (kinda like a Dr House situation). We are looking for solutions from India and South Africa, but batting zero. I am able to cover all costs (medical, communication and travel) from wherever and I am able to travel to wherever I need to be to sort this out. I intend to have the surgery in December of this year as soon as my health travel ban is cleared. I am also able to send transcripts and hospital records, both electronic and postal if necessary and will meet all translation costs.

If you know anything, send me an email at kahenya (at) gmail (dot) com and I will respond ASAP. Help save my ass.

Thanks,

Kahenya

Why some wives hate dogs (From The Mailbox)

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 22:23:16 +0300

Why some wives hate dogs (From The Mailbox)