Needless to say, I’ve dealt with things in almost every aspect of my life this – work, family, relationship, health.

It’s kind of like the celebrity death thing.  One moment, everything is fine and the next thing you know, we’ve lost a sidekick, an angel, a king and a pitchman all in a week and you realize that in a moment’s time, everything can come crashing on you from four or five different places and the whole landscape of life can change.

Nobody died and it’s probably not the best example for me to compare my troubles to the deaths of people I’ve never met but it’s just one of those things, particularly with regards to Michael Jackson, where it’s so odd that things can just change in a matter of an afternoon and everything you thought the world was had changed just a tad because someone was no longer in it or someone wasn’t as accessible as they used to be or someone may not be here much longer.

As we get older, change is inevitable and I guess it’s only fitting that now is the time, not neccessarily for my life to change, though there are definitely some options that I need to explore because of things that have happened, but more in the lives of those around me.  People get older, they grow up and move on and begin their own lives outside of the protective nest that we had all previously shared.  And while I knew this and did it myself, I guess I just didn’t understand the other side until others around me started doing the same thing.  And there’s something about times like these that really make you feel like you have finally grown up, that you are no longer the child you still feel like and that everyone around you is different.  When others around you whom you previously depended on to deal with adult things come to you for help in dealing with things they never would have talked about in front of your childhood self, you really to start to feel your own mortality and that of the others around you.  And that is never a fun thing to deal with.

Unfortunately, I have a hard time managing and processing things effectively, especially when they all come down on me at once and that takes a toll on mine and Steve’s relationship.  Because here he is just trying to deal with normal life – work and hobbies and his responsibilities around the house.  And here I am trying to do the same all while dealing with ridiculous amounts of drama and that reduces me to a blubbering mess and he finally told me that the reason he gets so angry is that he doesn’t like to see others affecting me that way.  He has a point and every right to feel that way because I don’t like it either but sometimes, I just can’t make myself deal effectively with all of those emotions while somehow attempting to lead a normal life.

And sometimes I just shut down because I can’t handle it.

You know that bing.com commercial about search overload, where all the people are randomly spitting out search results based on words from their conversation with others or things they overhear?  But none of it is relevent to the actual situation they are in at the moment.  I feel like that everyday of my life.  I tell Steve everytime it comes on that it’s pretty much a visual representation of my brain.  Except it’s not “search” results based but more my mind hopping from everything I have to do and deal with and handle in my life, from small minute tasks like phone calls and bills and appointments to larger issues like my career and my family and long term plans.

Sometimes I’m on a roll and I feel like things are going ok.  The beginning of the month saw some curve balls thrown at me at work but I kind of rolled with it and turned it into something that I could utilize.  It basically translated into extra time and that extra time really helped me get things together to where by Friday afternoons, my house was clean, my bills were paid, weekend plans were made and my life felt like it was order.

A few weeks after that a couple of situations with my family arose and they all seemed to come one right after the other and immediately, my brain started firing warning noises and just flashing red lights at me and just commenced shut down process.

And now I feel like my world is back in chaos again and just picking up the pieces is exhausting.  I’ve been functionally playing the part – hanging out with friends, visiting family, talking on the phone, texting, getting through work – but mentally, I just don’t have the gumption to work at it 100%.  My house is a mess and I don’t care, a couple of bills need to be taken care of in a few days and I’ve been lackluster about getting those done, the dog desperately needs to have a vet and grooming appointment scheduled and I just haven’t done it.

Friday night I had wine for the first time in seven months and though it affected me way more than I expected, it was a welcome break.  (The next morning, I felt it though and I have a feeling that was my last hurrah, at least for a little while.  It’s just not fun anymore!)  That’s truthfully one of the only pieces of good news that came out of this month.  I am healed! I went for my followup about a week ago and not only did they find that the clots were gone, but they saw no arterial damage.  The change back to normal is still a process that I’m trying to deal with because part of me is still scared that they will come back but I have eliminated two of what they thought were the major causes (hormonal birth control and smoking) and am trying to work on the others (being more active and being careful about moving around when we travel).  I still have to take a low-dose aspirin but I am not on the blood thinners.  I wear the stockings when I travel (and I still wear them to work too, only because I’m at a desk all day) but I can wear shorts now and drink alcohol and eat broccoli and not have to get my blood drawn every few weeks.

Regardless, it’s just been a rough month emotionally and mentally for me and sometimes, you just feel like you’ve reached that breaking point and you have to step away from everyone, go into your own little cocoon and leave the world behind for a bit in order to process everything that is happening.

It sounds a bit selfish but it’s really the only way I can stay sane and not feel like my entire world is collapsing in on me.

July and August will hopefully be better and then it’s onto Fall and Winter, when at least the biggest reprieve will be a break from this godawful life-sucking heat and humidity that certainly doesn’t make anyone want to get out and enjoy life outside.

I’ll take cocooning anyday if it means ice cold drinks and air conditioning set to about 70 degrees!

© Kristy for kallure.com, 2009. | Permalink | One comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: changing, crying, emotions, growing up, healing, health, life, mental, personal, rough month

Without further ado, here’s the things I loved the most for the month of June.

Hands down, the best event for me, was a visit to my hometown of Siler City, North Carolina to visit my grandparents, my dad, my sisters and other family members.  The weekend we went was their 50th anniversary and while the trip was not without drama (truthfully a visit with my family can’t really occur without a bit of the dramatics), we had a very nice time overall.  We took my grandparents out to breakfast at their favorite restaurant on Saturday morning with my eight year old cousin, T, in tow.  It was just them, T and Steve and I, at this restaurant owned by a distant member of the family once or twice removed or something like that.  Regardless, the food was delicious, down home Southern cooking just the way I like it and the tea was cold and sweet the way we like it as well.  Afterwards, we visited with my great-aunt and uncle (my grandmother’s sister and husband) who own a welding & crane company, have a small short track racing team and a fleet of old school (and one new school) Corvettes in their garage, which is actually bigger than Steve’s shop at work.  The rest of the day we spent with my dad, my grandpa and my cousin, and my brother and sisters, fishing and riding four wheelers out at an aunt’s pond, eating Sir Pizza for dinner (which is hands down one of my favorite pizzas ever!) and hanging out around a fire at my dad’s place out in the country.  On Sunday, we took my brother to buy some “professional” clothes for grown-up interviews and then went out to lunch together at the local seafood restaurant that I remember so clearly from when I was young.  Overall, it was a low-key weekend with its ups and downs but sometimes, it’s nice to come back to a simpler place and enjoy the easy things in life where we don’t spend a lot of money and just enjoy being around each other.  Siler City has changed so much over the years and unfortunately, is going more down hill than I like to see but there are still remnants of the small town USA that I remembered so much about it and part of me loves the nostalgia of just going home and being with family.  And seeing beautiful sights like these always helps too!

My entertainment world has been rather busy this month.

On June 1st, Conan O’Brien took over The Tonight Show and this was a long anticipated event for me.  I had nothing against Jay Leno, he was just a bit dry for my taste.  I love Conan and sometimes found myself staying up way too late to catch him on the Late Show.  Now, I can catch him at 11;30 and the show has yet to disappoint me.  The monologues, the skits (I particularly loved when he visit local stores in his new neighborhood and took over the tram ride at the studios), even the guests.  It’s definitely now my cup of tea and I’m glad they picked him to step into Jay’s shoes (I always thought he deserved it anyway – he’s up there with Jon Stewart for me).

Also on TV this month, True Blood returned and some of you might remember, I featured this show in my very first monthly love post and it gets a second mention here because my obsession has not waned, it has only grown stronger.  I have read the first two books in the series and we are now on the second season and it only gets better.  I find Sookie to be a much more enjoyable human female role model and heroine than the other vampire books (I’m looking at you, Twilight!) and even the side characters in the series are so wonderfully and richly developed that they make almost all the storylines enjoyable (I find Lafayette to be one of the best characters on TV right now and am so glad they brought him back this season instead of having him meet the same fate as his literary equivalent).  This is one of those shows that I gladly look forward to Sunday nights for so I can sit down with some dinner and my blanket and a full uninterrupted hour of vampires and shapeshifters and sex and blood and humor and hot, hot, hot men (Bill, Eric, Jason … need I say more?)

The hands down best movie of the month was The Hangover. You could just see the thought process behind it – let’s take four randomly different guys, bring them all together in Vegas for a bachelor party and give them the greatest night of their lives but the worst hangover ever.  So simple but so very complicated as they spend the entire weekend looking for the groom, whom they have somehow lost (and that was actually one of the more enjoyable moments of the film because I thought that where and how he was lost was going to turn out to be so outlandishly unbelievable that it ruined the movie but in reality, it was so very simple and believable that I thought it tied everything together nicely).  But seriously, there’s tigers and hookers and gambling and drinking and chickens and a baby and Mike Tyson.  And Bradley Cooper.  And Andy, from The Office. And Zack Galfinakis (I don’t know if that’s how he spells his name and don’t care – he’s hysterical in this film).  And did I mention Bradley Cooper? A very HOT Bradley Cooper!  Overall, this was one of those funny, hysterical, quotable movies that will be added to the repertoire and the DVD shelf from now until forever.

And finally, there’s Bejeweled 2, which I’ve played numerous time before but somehow got really, really addicted to this month.  I play it on Facebook as Bejewled Blitz and I swear, that one’s going to give me a heart attack because you have one minute to get the highest score possible and the stress of it all makes me insane sometimes.  I also downloaded the app onto my iPod Touch and have spent numerous nights in bed playing it while I wasn’t tired enough to fall asleep.  I took it with me to the doctor’s office and played it in the waiting room and to North Carolina.  I’ve had to force myself to stop playing.  But it’s so awesome so can you really blame me?

So those were my pleasures for the month of June which were perfectly wonderful because they helped me get through a fairly rough month.  Here’s hoping July is a bit quieter!

© Kristy for kallure.com, 2009. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: bejeweled, conan o'brien, Entertainment, games, Monthly Love, movies, north carolina, Photos, the tonight show, Travel, true blood, tv

Steve and I have been living together for three years and even now, it’s difficult to work around each others wants and needs.

These past few weeks have been quiet.  There have been a few changes in my life that have given me more time but less pay.  Thus, I find myself with some half days during the week and less money in my pocket at the end of two weeks.

I’ve spent those days cleaning and running errands and doing stuff that would normally take up my weekends.  Stuff that would normally keep me from spending time with Steve or the dog or family or from doing nothing.  Just normal house stuff – laundry, cleaning, errands, phone calls, bills.  In all honesty, I’m loving it because by last Friday night, my house was spotless, my to-do list was virtually non-existent, and I could sit on the couch and surf the Internet all night guilt free.

The problem was I was exhausted.  My sleep schedule has been thrown off with my foot injury and allergy meds and thunderstorms that keep me awake until god awful hours of the morning (plus a dog who is terrified of thunder and insists on crawling in bed and snuggling with us everytime he hears a sound) so by Friday evening, all I wanted to do was plop on the couch, eat a good dinner, watch some TV and surf the Net.  And I would have been perfectly content to do that all weekend.  Mostly because I was trying to save money and also because the sheer effort of getting dressed and making myself looked human was utterly unappealing at the time.

Steve, on the other hand, wanted to go out.  Somewhere, anywhere.  He wanted to get dinner, then maybe hit up Best Buy then Wal-Mart to get some stuff.  And while I wanted to spend time with him, it would require makeup and brushing my hair and PANTS!  And I just don’t want to wear pants on most occasions (just you wait for my new header graphic – it speaks perfectly of me!).

But I put on my pants and brushed my hair and we went out to dinner.  No makeup since we were just going to get some cheesesteaks and I didn’t really care what I looked like at that point.  Then I think he compromised because afterwards he drove home instead of heading to Best Buy or WalMart.

There are times when Steve says the he wants to stay in and have a relaxing weekend and I jump for joy.  Because that means I can sleep late and hang around the house and just be lazy.  And generally he means it, until about 3pm on Saturday when he is so utterly bored that he turns into a five year old and whines because he’s so bored and he can’t find anything to do and let’s do something.  Which leads to me feeling either guilty because I feel like I need to suggest we do something and we need to spend time together or feeling resentful and angry because we have all of this expensive shit and he can’t entertain himself.

It’s just striking that balance that’s hard.  I think we did well with it this past weekend.  We went out for cheese steaks on Friday night then met some friends for dinner on Saturday evening.  And while that may not have been enough for him, it was enough for me.  It was fairly reasonable as far as money went and we both got a chance to get out of the house and not drive each other insane.  But we were able to relax enough to feel like we had not drove ourselves crazy overdoing things.

We have enough stuff coming up this summer that we really need to be able to enjoy the downtime.

In the meantime, we are making plans and trying to strike a balance there.  We’ve got some trips in the works, some trips that are specifically for us to enjoy and some that allow us to visit with people who we haven’t seen in awhile.  We’ve got some movies to look forward to and some dinners and small events with friends.  We’ve got an enjoyable summer ahead of us.

And now we just have to work out an amicable schedule between the two of us.  Because I want to sleep until 10am darn it!  And somebody in this house like to wake up at 7am, even on Saturdays!

© Kristy for kallure.com, 2009. | Permalink | 2 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: compromise, dinner, events, life, living together, Love, schedules, summertime

Guest Bathroom: This came together rather slowly because it wasn’t high on the list of rooms to change.  Truthfully, we didn’t remove anything, I just added my own personal touches.  The walls stayed the same color and even the shower curtain came with the house (it’s a soft suedelike fabric and it was too nice not to use).  What I love most about it is how the accessories bring it all together.  The two pictures over the toilet are paintings of local landmarks in cheap $4 frames I picked up from Wal-mart that almost match the frame around the mirror.  The brushed nickel sink accessories match all of the other hardware in the bathroom.  The pineapple is a candle I picked up from Bath and Body Works just recently that I think fits beautifully (and the pineapple is the symbol of hospitality!).  And the white towels and washcloth always stay on top of the toilet until we have guests and I wash them.  Regardless, I find it very welcoming and warm and have received quite a few compliments on it.

Front Entryway: I love the decorative glass and the tile and the way the light plays through the windows at night.  I still want to get a console table and maybe a coat rack but overall this was one of the things that made me fall in love with the house.

My Kitchen: I love my kitchen! Compared to others, I might not spend a lot of time in here as I’m not a gourmet chef or anything.  But I do love it – it was one of the main reasons we bought this place.  I love the black on white, something I didn’t think I’d be too keen on.  It has enough space for two of us to move around comfortably in and for even more to gather and chat and hang out when we have people over.  I love that it has the little breakfast nook off of it so people can sit and chat if you’re preparing something but it’s closed off enough from the living room to keep the kitchen noise from disturbing people in there.  I love our knives, our canisters, the paper towl holders, the sink, the cabinets, the window, and the granite countertops (though, while I love the color I don’t particularly like that it’s tile and in the future would consider a full slab – tile is pain to keep the crevices clean).  Overall, this is a place that’s welcoming and comfortable and modern/chic looking enough for my taste but still warm enough to make it feel like a home and not a museum.

My Corner: This my end of the couch.  On any given day, you can find me here surfing the Internet, watching TV or playing video games.  Please note that all of my accouterments are there: the laptop, meds for any given thing (this day it was sinuses and pain and some antibiotic ointment), the books and magazines I’m currently perusing (Handle With Care by Jodi Picoult, two Glamours, two Cosmos and a Real Simple), my purse in case I need anything from there since that’s like my little portable home.  In the teal ottoman is a ball of yarn and my current knitting project, more magazines, a Dave Ramsey book that I want to read and there are yet more magazines in the slot under the tabletop.  Please also note the fuzzy blue blanket to the right.  This was the last thing I should have included in the my favorite things post yesterday because that literally is my security blanket.  When I travel it comes with me, when I’m home, it’s always near me, even if it’s summer.  It’s soft and warm and protective and just plain comfy.

So there you have it, some of my favorite places in my house.

Maybe next I’ll try video blogging!

© Kristy for kallure.com, 2009. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: bathroom, comfortable, couch, decor, favorite placees, home, house, kitchen

And I think that’s why I love this place so much.  Because we have made it our home.  Of course, there’s always room for improvement but overall, it is beautiful.  It’s comfortable.  It’s welcoming.  And it’s ours.

When I was picking up this weekend, I realized that there are a lot of things here that I truly love so I thought I’d share them with you.  These are a few of my favorite things.

Photo Wall: I created this setup initially when we were in the apartment but it really shined when we moved into the house.  I think it’s the fact that the wall it’s on is the perfect size for the frames, the wall color complements the frames nicely and the photos are displayed right in our living room/entryway.  But it’s something I’m proud of because it not only looks beautiful but it’s a collection of what I think are my best photos of local sites.  And I’m constantly switching them out so there’s always something new and fresh available.

Kitchen Windowsill & Plants: I have a nice window above my kitchen sink and while the view is mediocre, it at least allows some natural light in and gives me something to look at while I’m slaving over the dishes.  Plus, it allows for storage of my dish stuff because I don’t have any space behind the sink itself and it lets me put pretty plants like these up.  And I love these plants!  I got them on our last trip to Ikea and to this day, they still make me smile when I walk in the kitchen.

Fuzzy white rug: This was another find at IKEA that we originally bought for Sammy because we thought he would like something soft to lay on.  Well, two years later and he barely even acknowledges it.  Thankfully, though, it looks beautiful draped over the fireplace brick and really works to tie the whole area together.  And since we rarely burn real wood in the fireplace, there’s not much of a fire hazard (we move it when we do burn real wood).  It also makes for a nice comfy place to sit when you want to warm your back at the fire.

Sand dollars: We have many of these around the house pristine as the day they came out of the ocean.  They serve as perfect ambient decorations and they’re amazingly budget friendly since we can go right down to the water and pull them out.  Let them dry out and then soak the shell in bleach and you have what some souvenir shops would charge quite a few dollars for.

Plumeria box: I got this in Hawaii last year and fell in love with it because it had the plumeria flowers on it.  I use it to store my daily jewelry in, the necklace Steve bought me and the medical ID bracelet I have to wear.  It’s on my dresser right by my bedroom door so it’s easily accessible and the yellow really stands out against the black dresser.

Axe: When I asked Steve what he wanted me to bring him from Hawaii, he said something cool.  Well, this was his something cool and it’s been on our dresser ever since.  I love that it’s strong and sturdy and it goes nicely with our decor.  I’m thinking about hanging it up but still not sure about it.

Inlaid Wood Jewelry Box: My dad brought this back from Italy quite a few years ago and I have always loved it.  I love the deep blue and the swirls in the wood.  I love the image on the top and the sturdiness of the box.  It even plays the Godfather theme when you open it.  I typically store small trinkets in here – flattened pennies, bobby pins, etc.  But it also stands out beautifully against the black wood of my dresser and matches our decor beautifully as well.

Hawaii Souvenirs: I love every single one of these because they remind me of Hawaii.  From the painted kukui beads to the koa wood bowl to the coconut shell hair clip (which is possibly the best hair accessory I have ever purchased), they all remind of the glorious week I spent on vacation in paradise last year.  The flash doesn’t do the laughing Buddha justice either as it’s made of a deep coppery substance with sparkles embedded all over.  And the Hula girl I bought for Steve but he doesn’t really have a dash, so we keep her around because she’s funny.  But all of these, I absolutely love because it reminds me of a place that I will get back to someday.

Monkey candle holder: I got this at Target well before I moved and long before I knew I would adopt black/dark wood as my unofficial color scheme.  I loved it because it was kitschy but classy.  Dark enough to where it wouldn’t jump out at you but it’s a monkey!  So when people got a look at it they’d be like, “Holy shit, it’s a monkey!  Holding a candle.”  And I think it’s perfect for our home because it’s not obvious but it’s still pretty hilarious.

Wall-E: There’s still a part of me that likes to be a kid and I loved the Wall-E movie so when I saw this toy, I knew he’d be perfect on my bookshelf.  It breaks it up enough to where it doesn’t look so serious and when I turn him on, he dances.  How could you not love that?

Bookshelf: I love my bookshelves.  They are decorative and functional and just contain all sorts of knowledge and entertainment value for me.  And yes, I have read pretty much every book on those shelves.

Wallflowers: I like my house to smell good and the Wallflowers from Bath and Body Works are amazing with as much scent as they can put out.  It’s strong enough to where you can smell it but not overbearing.  And since there’s such a variety, you can change it up for every season.  Plus, they come in night lights so I can see when I’m up hunting for water in the middle of the night.

Amalfi landscape: This is something else my dad brought me from Italy and it’s a sort of 3-D landscape of the Amalfi coast.  It’s small but pretty and is a nice personal touch to our kitchen.  It has come with me through all of my apartments, even when I was living on my own and now it has a home in my very own kitchen.  Next to the Benadryl, of course.

My Bed: I love my bed! It’s super comfy.  It’s spacious.  It’s the first really nice wood bed that I picked out and paid for myself.  It’s where I spend most of my time and where we as a family cuddle at night and in the morning.  It is my sanctuary. (Sammy likes it too, if you can’t tell!)

Finally, two things that my house would not be complete without.

Diet Dr. Pepper: I need it.  Gotta have it.  I’m completely addicted.  There is usually a constant supply of this in my house and if I’m out, I’m not out for long.  It’s how I function.  I wish they gave discounts if you buy in bulk because I’ve probably bought enough to own half the company.

And finally ….

My Sammy: My love, my puppy, my child.  How could you have a place without a guy like this? 

© Kristy for kallure.com, 2009. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: decorations, diet dr. pepper, favorite things, hawaii, pictures, Sammy, stuff, stuff i love

Last summer was rough for us because we had so many people staying with us throughout June, July and August and we vowed that we wouldn’t repeat that this year.  We made plans to not make plans at all.

The problem with that is we either end up doing absolutely nothing at all, thus turning into literal sloths who serve no other purpose than to make the ass prints in our couch bigger.  Or things end up appearing so unexpectedly that before we know it, we’ve blown through seven or ten days and can’t tell you the last time we got to enjoy our sloth states.

You’d think as much time as I spend being a sloth, I’d be able to think up good things to write.  Instead, you’ll get a series of snippets.

————————————————–

This past Monday, I wake up at quarter til seven to the dog going batshit crazy in the office, which is where his perch is located that lets him watch over the neighborhood.  And this was his ‘Get the hell of my property!’ batshit crazy bark not the little ‘The neighbor kids are walking across the street’ chatter.  I shoot out of bed and squint through the blinds to see two cop cars pulled up to our driveway and Steve standing behind his truck gesturing towards our backyard.  So of course, I panic a bit because early morning and cops being at my house doesn’t bode well.  I throw something semi-decent on and walk outside to find Steve and a cop standing on the side of the house looking towards the park that backs up to our yard while the other cop is trying to navigate his way across the tiny creek.  And in that park is a car.

I asked what was going on and Steve said he was leaving for work and noticed the car in the park so he called the cops because that’s not exactly a thorughfare.  The cop then explained that two vehicles had been stolen from the neighborhood the night before and that the people they thought did it actually lived close enough to the park that they weren’t surprised to find the vehicle there.  Said they had been to the woman’s house enough for domestic disturbances and that she was always doped up on crazy pills and stuff.  Steve then headed off to work and they spent the next hour or so making calls and trying to get into the vehicle before they finally towed it out of there.

Needless to say, I spent the week worrying a bit because the last thing you need is to find a stolen vehicle pretty much in your backyard.  Guess it’s time to get the security system installed.

At least I got to close the day out with Conan O’Brien on The Tonight Show. I love him!  I truly do.

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Work kicked my ass this past week on so many levels.  So many levels that I’m not going to discuss in public because that would not be kosher.  I can disagree with my job but I need it and am thankful to have it at this period in time.  I just don’t like change and am not good with it.  I much prefer for things to continue exactly the way they are because with change comes stress and with stress comes with an unhappy me and an unhappy me is not fun at all.

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My toes, on the other hand, are healing.  They’re still swollen and still painful but they feel surprisingly better than they did before the doctor aspirated the nail. On Friday, I went back to work but had to wear the slip-on shoes I’d bought when I had my blood clot because when I tried to put on normal shoes, the foot protested by sending searing pain up my foot and into my leg.  I was able to remove the band-aid Friday night only to find that the hole was still oozing a bit but even that was over by Saturday morning.

Now they’re just black and blue and yellow and green and I can even move them.  The swelling has gone down and the oozing has stopped.  I just have to remember to take it easy because  they won’t hurt for some time and then I’ll walk on them wrong or catch my foot as I’m walking, as I did last night, and it’ll hurt like crazy again.  I thought I was able to stop the pain meds because I was feeling better, but I’m feeling better because of the meds.  If I’m off them completely the foot kills and it’s the worst if I’m standing still.  It’s easiest when I have the meds in me and my foot is elevated with nothing on it, because even the weight of the blanket hurts.

When I went into work Friday, I slipped my sock off and showed my boss who looked right at me and was like, “You know, you could’ve just asked for the day off!” then smiled.

Apparently, when I do it, I do it big.

—————————————————

I finally finished the closet reorganization that was the cause to the whole toe debacle.  Steve had been after me for months (ok, years) to go through our closet and my clothes because well, he’s a man and to him anything more than five shirts and two pairs of pants is too many clothes.

But it was time.  I still had clothes in there from college.  Skinny girl clothes that I just wasn’t ready to part with because you know, I might fit into them again (we all know how much of a truth that really is).  I mean, there are a few favorites that you could hang onto for that reason but they either need to really be your favorite or they need to be classics with style that outlasts trends.  An entire closet does not count towards that rule.

Plus, I was having a really hard time finding a place to put things when I did laundry.  And I was wearing the same thing over and over again.  It just needed to be done.

I thought it was going to take a week.  Had it not been for my injury, I would have finished it in an afternoon.  That being said, it took a total of one day.

Here’s the before:

Before: The Closet

That is a walk in closet big enough for two people to walk in.  If you shut the door, you could fit three, maybe four people.  In other words, that’s a lot of clothes.  All the ones hanging pretty much consist of my clothes with the exception of a small sliver to the far left that is Steve’s and that starts approximately where the solid burgundy shirt is.  The basket on the floor is overflow laundry that has yet to be put away.  And the entire left side on the top shelf is my clothes.  The back wall on the shelf is Steve’s.  That’s not including our two dressers that we have.

Here’s the after:

After: The Closet

It still looks a little crowded but that’s purely because I ran out of hangers, otherwise, the shirts on the top left shelf would have been hung as well.  Also, Steve didn’t humor and go through his clothes.  But unlike before, everything is organized.  The entire left side is now mine and is organized into categories: work shirts and blouses, crossovers (i.e. plain cotton shirts that I can wear to work or out with friends), nice casual shirts (most of them are printed so I can’t wear them to work), polos & button downs and long sleeves.  Sweatshirts and sweaters have been moved into our guest bedrooms closet which has been deemed the winter closet.  Steve now has the entire back wall with space for his nice shirts and his work shirts.  The tucker on the floor contains overflow clothes that he needs to go through but since it has a lid, it serves a dual purpose: as a shelf.  Which was an awesome find because I was going to purchase shelves but with this, I can just pile his work pants onto it and they are accessible without me having to worry about putting them into drawers or throwing them on the top shelf (they’re heavy Dickies pants so they were too much for the shelf).  The clear boxes and the smaller tucker contain my shoes, the brown bedding is overflow winter bedding for our bed and there’s finally room to tuck the hamper back in the corner.  And what you can’t see is that on the top to the left are three of the fabric grocery bags you can buy almost anywhere now.  One contains bathings suits, extra bras and my heavy fuzzy winter socks, the other two contain hats and accessories (handbags and belts) respectively.  And my drawers, at least, are organized for pants and others things that can’t be hung.

Everything now has it’s place and that’s one more thing that I can mark off my list.

It’s makes my internalized OCD very, very happy!

(I’d like to say the pain of the toe injury was worth it, but it really wasn’t.  I mean, I’m crazy, but not that crazy!)

———————————————————–

The only other things worth noting is that we had a very nice dinner with some great friends last night at TGI Friday’s, of all places (they have never been high up on my list of restaurants) and then went to see The Hangover, which was absolutely fabulous and as phenomenally funny as the trailer leads you to believe.

And also, this guy:

SO.FREAKIN’.HOT!

Seriously, I’ve had celebrity crushes before but he is easily one of the best.  Right now, it’s him and Gerard Butler, haunting my dreams.  Love, love, love!  Funny as well as smokin’ hot … my kind of man!
——————————————–
That’s about it though – the most exciting parts of my week crunched into totally unrelated recaps.  I’m hoping for a better week this time around but only time will tell.  Here’s one final image from this week.

Hangin’ Around …

One of the things about living in the South … there’s always strange visitors right outside your front door!

© Kristy for kallure.com, 2009. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: clothes, crazy shit in the neighborhood, Entertainment, friends, home, hotties, house, i'm a klutz, movies, my closet is a mess, organization, personal injuries, stolen car, weekly recap

For starters, this guy right here graduated college.  This is my younger brother, Eric.  In the beginning of May, Steve and I got really early one Saturday morning to drive an hour and a half to Myrtle Beach to watch him walk across that podium at Coastal Carolina University and receive his college diploma.  Everyone in our family had come to celebrate – my mom and stepdad and other brother, my grandma, dad and younger sister and my cousins.  We were all very proud of him and we had a really, really good day afterwards gathering at a hotel right on the beach and eating food and cake and opening presents and swimming in the pool and watching the sunset over the water.  We went home exhausted but overall, it was a throughly enjoyable time with family to celebrate such a long anticipated event.  Congrats kiddo!  Welcome to the real world!

Secondly, the beauty below now belongs to me!  That’s right, I finally paid off my car loan after five long years.  She’s stuck by me for five years, four accidents (only two my fault), thousands of miles and an interstate move all the while running awesomely and giving me great gas mileage.  This actually if the first time I’ve ever paid off a car and damn does it feel good.  That picture below was taken exactly five years ago as of tomorrow and that was when she was pristine and beautiful.  Now, she’s broken in and lived in with some minor wear and tear but overall, she’s still hanging in there.  Let me stop before she kicks the bucket on me which is the last thing I need.  Anyway, it feels good to now own the car and have that burden of payment off my shoulders.

In the food category, there’s a restaurant called Mellow Mushroom that we recently discovered.  I’d had lunch delivered from there before but it was only when we actually went back to eat there this month that I realized how awesome they are (I ate there twice and just talking about it makes me want to go back).  The first time I had a steak and cheese calzone but when I tried Steve’s ham, it was delicious.  The ham had amazing flavor to it and the dough is phenomenal.  So the next time, I got a ham and pineapple calzone and it was just as delicious, though I think I will go without the pineapple next time.  Regardless, we’ve tried both the downtown location and the Mt. Pleasant location and while downtown seems more like a local pizza joint as opposed to Mt. Pleasant’s more commercial feeling, the food is still delicious.  Next on the list to try is their pizza!

Also on the docket this month is banana splits.  I happened to see a commercial for a local ice cream place a few weeks back where these kids ordered this amazingly beautiful banana split and immediately, I had a craving for one.  So the next time I was at the store, I picked up some Breyer’s neopolitan ice cream, some Smucker’s caramel and chocolate syrup, some bananas and a praline crunch type nut mix.  And soon enough, I had this:

It may not be pretty, but it was so very delicious.  No cherries for this girl but looking back, I should have gotten whip cream as well.  I think the praline nut crunch definitely made the sundae.  Now I’m all out and I’m going to have to go back to the store to get some supplies.  Maybe I’ll have an ice cream sundae party, just as an excuse.  Oh who am I kidding, I don’t need an excuse to eat ice cream.

As for TV, the only thing I’ve really been watching besides Rescue Me is The Real Housewives of New Jersey and OH MY GAWD! I have such a problem.  I cannot stop watching this show.  Even when reruns are on I can’t help but watching.  Now I loved the Atlanta housewives but not like I love the Jersey girls.  I don’t know if it’s because they remind me of friends and family or if the locale and attitudes and stereotypes make me feel at home but I can’t get enough of them.  From Caroline’s ‘thick as thieves’ family mentality to Teresa’s unforgiving ostentatiousness to Dina’s quietly smiling in your face while judging you silently to Jacqueline’s overall sweetness is such a cutthroat nasty state, I love them all.  Except Danielle.  She disgusts me.  She’s everything that’s wrong with women and her face is hideous.  I mean seriuosly, what is up with the eyebrows.  And the clinginess.  You are a grown woman!  Go out and take care of yourself and stop clinging to all those other women like the airbrushed t-shirt you got on the boardwalk that is two sizes too small for you.  Overall though, this show makes me summer  and I unabashedly admit that it is my guilty pleasure.  If that makes me somehow worse of a person, it don’t matter to me.

An honorable mention goes to season finales of many of the shows that I watch.  I like TV alot and sometimes it’s nice to have a forced break from watching the latest Grey’s Anatomy or Heroes episodes.  Granted, there are plenty of new shows on this summer to keep me busy but there are much fewer which make catching up nice and easy while still allowing us time to enjoy our summer nights.

Finally, the old school geek in me can’t help but rave about both the Star Trek and Terminator: Salvation movies.  While I was never a huge fan of the original Star Trek (I was more of a Next Generation girl), I knew enough about it to want to see the latest incarnation.  To say it was awesome was an understatment.  I walked out of there all geeked out and hyped up to see another one with this entourage of characters.  And Terminator! Oh lord, I remember when the first two were big (the stupid third one doesn’t even get an honorable mention, it was that stupid) and awesome and just wow and this one certainly lived up to the older ones.  The story was awesome, the characters were great (though I could do without Christian Bale using his Batman voice all gravely and hoarse – is that how he thinks Americans speak?) and I just might have developed a bit of a crush of Sam Worthington.  So needless to say, I had some very geeked out moments this month in the movie theaters and am looking forward to the continuation of both of these franchies in the future.

So overall, May was a fairly good month.  There were a few low points as there always are but that’s just life.  Now I’m just looking for a quiet June with some dinners and movies and outings planned with some friends and some more time spent with family.  Summer is always a nice time around these parts so I’m sure next month I’ve tons of things to rave about!

Happy June everyone!

© Kristy for kallure.com, 2009. | Permalink | 3 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: banana splits, calzones, Family, graduation, may, mellow mushroom, Monthly Love, new jersey, real housewives, star trek, terminator, tv

I just haven’t put them into fruition yet.  But soon!

May was had it ups and downs.  We were either really busy on the weekends or did absolutely nothing and I was too tired to do anything productive because I’ve been so busy at work.  We had a graduation, a trip to Myrtle Beach, movie trips, roller derby, dinners, and other various social events.  I’ve been putting in really long weeks at work because of the fact that I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.

I even forgot to do my Monthly Love for May!  (Stay tuned for it this weekend)

So very soon I will be putting some of these ideas into practice.  I think I’ve got things squared away a bit to where I can do some real writing.  This week was supposed to be the week but this week ended up being the week from hell.

Due to some unforseen circumstances at work, I had Wednesday off and thought I would end up having Thursday and Friday off as well.  I was already in a shitty mood because of those unforseen circumstances and the days I had been at work had been crappy.  But Wednesday, I figured I needed to do something to be productive and to keep my mind off of shit I was worrying about.

So I decided to tackle my closet, which was in desperate need of cleaning.  Plus, I had recently read a post on This Young House about how John and Sherry organized their clothing and got even more inspired.  I had clothes that had to be gone through – piles and piles of stuff that didn’t fit me or got thrown into piles because I had no where else to put them.  Tons of Steve’s stuff, shoes, bedding that was stored, etc.  And it just all needed to be cleaned out.

I started Wednesday afternoon around 1pm and within in a few hours, I was done with my clothes.  I had mounds of stuff that I need donate or sell and was able to get through my drawers too.  Now, all of my pants are in my dresser, seperated into jeans, work pants, summer capris/shorts and khakis.  There’s also drawers for tank tops, pajama/lounge shirts, and pajama pants/shorts.  The smaller drawers have underwear, dress socks and athletic socks.  In my closet, I was able to hang up mostly all of my shirts and seperate them into work-dressy shirts, plain cotton shirts that I can wear with khakis to work, polos, casual print shirts/blouses and just regular cotton tshirts.

Then I had a bright idea that almost killed me.

I had overloaded the hanging rack in our closet to where it was kind of coming out of the wall.  So after fixing that, I figured I’d move all of my sweaters and sweatshirts into the unused guest bedroom cloest and make a “winter” closet.  We don’t have much of a winter here so when it does get cold enough to need that stuff, it won’t bother me much to go into another room to get it (plus, the room is literally across the hall from the master bedroom).

The problem was that closet still had some other stuff stored in it, like decorations and overflow linens.  And they were kind of stored haphazardly.  But it was late and I was trying to wrap things up so I just started hanging the overflow in there and figured I’d go through and organize that closet later.  Well, as I was hanging a batch of things, the stuff in the closet got a big dislodged and these slate tile wall decorations that I had wrapped in paper and just sat on the top of a pile of things slid off the pile and fell from about waist level onto the three major toes of my right foot.  And they fell edge side down, not flat side.

Needless to say, it hurt pretty bad.  I immediately yelled and screamed and then started crying because it hurt so bad.  Steve came running back as I was hobbling to the bathroom because my first instinct was to run it under cold water.  By the time I sat on the edge of the tub, I was almost hyperventilating, the pain was that great.  Truthfully, it was more the shock and the adrenaline rush that was making me react the way I did.

Anyway, for any of you followng on Twitter, you saw this pic of it.  Steve immediately put ice on it and we checked to see if I could move my toes and everything seemed ok.   I was still panicking and it still hurt so very badly but I could walk and I could move my toes and truthfully, I didn’t want to spend $100 for an emergency room visit for them to tell me it was just bruised.

We kept it iced and elevated and I figured I’d suck it up.  Steve’s a mechanic and has hit his fingers the same way before, where the blood wells up under the nail.  He’s even drilled a hole in the nail before to relieve the pressure and that’s what he recommended we do.  Normally, I would of probably let him do it but being that I’m still on the blood thinners, I was concerned about the DIY method at home that would probably induce quite a bit of bleeding.

Well, let’s just say that last night was one of the longest nights ever.  No matter which way I laid with my foot elevated, it hurt so much that the pain was making my leg spasm.  My big toe throbbed and was hard and it felt like my heartbeat was in my toe.

I couldn’t sleep because it hurt so bad and the spasms were disruptive.  I seriously contemplated waking Steve up at 4am to take me to the emergency room.  But I still couldn’t be ok with paying that much copay and waiting in the ER forever especially when I could go into Urgent Care at 8am with a $20 copay and be in a place where they knew my history with the blood clots and blood thinners.

At some point, around 5am, my body finally gave up fighting the pain and I dozed off.  Of course, an hour later, my alarm went off.  I still hurt so bad that I just asked Steve if he could drive me to Urgent Care since I didn’t think I could drive myself and because I was pretty sure they were gonna give me pain meds.

We arrived at Urgent Care two minutes before it opened and no lie, there was a line of old people waiting outside.  At first I’m thinking, ‘Damn, are they all sick?’ but I forgot that there’s a diagnostics lab in the same office and they all apparently were early birds who wanted to get their shit out of the way.

I said hello to my nurses (I’m enough of a regular there because of the DVT that they know me by sight) and we got down to business.  Even the doctor was basically like ‘Holy crap!’ when he saw it.  X-rays were taken and thankfully, nothing was broken though he said I was pretty lucky that I didn’t cut my toe off.  And then they took this little tool with a heated tip that basically poke a hole through the big toenail to aspirate all of the blood that had collected under.  I didn’t watch but Steve said it squirted up and out so fast that it got all over the bed.  And it stung a bit during and for a little bit after but I tell you what, it ultimately made it feel so much better because it relieved all of the pressure.

They gave me two Lortabs for the pain which also helped greatly as well.  And then Steve signed the discharge papers and they wheeled me out of there in a wheelchair with care instructions for a subungual hematoma, a prescription for Darvoset, a note to get out of work and a sticker!  The sticker made it all better (the pain meds totally helped too).

Steve and I then proceeded to stop by the Bilo to fill the prescription and decided while were there to pick up some supplies (we needed milk).  I was pretty doped up and was limping around anyway, so I just hopped on one of those little ride along mechanical things and drove around the store tossing food in the basket.  I tell you, I couldn’t be that loopy everyday but at that moment riding that cart thing in Bilo in basically my slippers and all doped up, I was having a pretty good time.

I closed out the day by sleeping on the couch through a pretty wicked thunderstorm wherein the dog curled up terrified into such a tight ball next to me that I think he would of crawled inside of me if he could have.  Woke up and ate a bit of lunch than went back to sleep only to wake up when Steve got home.  He cooked dinner and checked on my foot and then I got a shower and cleaned the wound a bit because it’s oozing like crazy and now I’m sitting in bed getting ready to actually get a decent night’s sleep so that I can go back to work tomorrow and be a little bit productive.

In all of that brouhaha, I never finished my closet project and since I’m having a bit of a hard time getting around for long periods of time, it’ll probably be awhile before I get that done.  But at least it’s almost done instead of only a quarter of the way done.  My house is still a wreck though but it’s always like that.

I think if I one wish in life, it would be that my house was always clean without intervention from me.  Like, it magically just cleans itself.

But for now, I’m going to try and take it easy and let me foot heal and not push myself into any major projects for the time being.

Because it’s apparently dangerous to be productive.

(Look for the Monthly Love May and possibly some private posts this weekend)

© Kristy for kallure.com, 2009. | Permalink | 3 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: bleeding under the nail, bruises, foot injury, injuries, medicine, organization, ouchies, pain, productivity, subungual hematoma, this fucking hurts

(Wait, didn’t you already publish this post? Yes, see above … I am lazy.  So lazy I recycle thoughts.)

But no, seriously. This is why I don’t exercise.  This is why, in the past, I have bought a new pack of underwear instead of washing the dirty ones (in my defense, this was also when I lived in apartment and had to go to the laundromat).  This is why I sometimes go at least a week without doing dishes.

(I am, apparently, also a slob.  But in my defense, I am a packrat and therefore have enough clothes to not wear the same thing for at least a month, despite the fact that I prefer wearing only about 2% of my closet.  I also have enough dishes that I can eat at least a week and a half worth of dinners and not run out of plates or silverware.  Plus, there’s always paper.  And also, I rinse all my dishes obsessively before I let them sit that long.  Because caked on  food = gross!)

ANYWAY! Me = lazy.  Yes, we’ve established that.  I am perfectly happy to enter a slothlike state and stayed curled up on my couch under my soft, fuzzy polyester blanket downing Diet Dr. Pepper (or in my pre-blood clot days, a whole bottle of wine. WHAT?) and watching TiVoed episodes of Real Housewives of New Jersey and Rock of Love Bus (again .. WHAT?!).

And this is a problem because being lazy means I never follow through with anything.  Which is even more strange because someone I respected greatly told me a few weeks ago that he was more than sure I would get something done because I am a very determined person.  I took this as a compliment and still do though when I put it in writing it makes me second guess whether or not I was being complimented or insulted.  (Because he might have just been saying that I was a big enough bitch to get what I want so people could get me off their backs!)

Maybe lazy is a bad word.  Maybe overstimulated is better.  Because I am the first person to go out and get what I need done when I need it.  I am a sucker for instant gratification.

I just don’t have the time to do everything I want to do to the fullest extent.  As I said in the last post, I am also a perfectionist which means that unless I can do something absolutely correct, I am not interested in it.  Or I get so freaking stubborn about it that I vow to not let something that they pay people $.15 an hour to do defeat me (note: I’m talking about sewing or making clothes or shit like that and that is solely hyperbole). And then I don’t have the time to keep doing it over and over and I get frustrated and throw everything down in a huff and let it sit for weeks on end before returning to it only to start the vicious cycle over again.

I taught myself to knit in February.  And by that I mean, I can make a row of random knit and purl stitches, the standard stitches required to make a scarf.  Or a potholder.  I have yet to master anything advanced, like circular needles or increasing stitches or anything that requires more than one skein/color of yarn.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy it because I really do like it.  It’s just I kept getting so frustrated because I would get distracted and mess up the pattern so badly I’d have to pull stitches out and then I give up because it wasn’t perfect.  And by god, what was the point of doing it if it wasn’t perfect.  So I put it aside for awhile and will probably pick it up again, maybe.  I guess I need to get to a point where I know enough for it to be relaxing.

Then there’s the video games that I buy and never finish.  I’m talking big games like Oblivion that require months of playing time to small games like Guitar Hero, which I could most likely do in a weekend.  But again, I am not satisfied unless I beat them and technically, I need to beat them perfectly with all bases covered and all acheivements awarded.  Because otherwise, I might miss something important! LIKE LIFE CHANGING IMPORTANT!

And don’t get me started on the books I have to read.  Currently, there are twelve books in my office that I have yet to start.  TWELVE! And yet I keep buying them or checking them out of the library, whichever suits my fancy that week.  That means I can average one book a month and have something to read for a year.  Or TWO books a month and still be good for six months.  But if I sit down to read, I end up getting so engrossed, like I need to finish it right now this very moment because it is that awesome and then I feel worthless for not doing anything else that night.

Oh, and the TV.  Oh my goodness! I thought the Tivo would solve my problems because I could watch all of shows whenever I wanted.  But it has only served to deepen my anxiety over what I am missing.  I record anything that looks remotely interesting and then I get hooked on stupid shit and then feel the need to follow all the way through to the end because again, WHAT IF I MISS LIKE THE GREATEST SHOW EVER?!  I have been trying to be more aggressive with my show selection and I even deleted the last two episodes of Celebrity Apprentice (because I had already read on TVGasm who won and was mad that Jesse James didn’t make it into the final two solely because he didn’t feel like exploiting his marriage just for Trump’s stupid show and ratings) and the final episode of Top Model (because I tell myself I am over it and yet end up watching EVERY. SEASON. but was over this one halfway through).  But there is still random stuff that just piles up and I am afraid to delete it because I will watch it someday, anyday and I need to know what happen (and I do this knowing that the last season of Prison Break will eventually make it’s way to DVD).

Don’t forget the photography and the need to sort through and edit the five million pictures I take until their perfect.  The cross-stitching and the numerous times of starting over and ripping out stitches.  The lists I obsessively make of movies I want to see and when they are coming out and the new DVD releases that week.  The magazine reading and always playing catch up on my issues (I only have three subscriptions).  This website.

This even extends to my actual life.  My house doesn’t need to be perfect all of the time but when I do clean (about once a week or so), I do it hardcore.  I make lists to catalog all of the things that need to be taken care of right now.  I spend days and weeks picking out the perfect presents for people.  I am almost always down for anything that our friends want to do, particularly if there’s something new involved (unless extenuating circumstances keep us from it).  Even my grocery shopping is affected by the perfectionism, the need to buy only the things we will use for meals we will eat and get a great deal out of it.

All of this is almost a sport to me.  If I can check things off my list, I feel accomplished.  I get an adrenaline rush going to the grocery store and seeing what I can buy on the budget I set.  I walk around with a huge grin for a week if I can finish a hobby or a chore that I’ve set out to do.

But there’s also the opposite.  I feel guilty if things go undone for a certain length of time.  I can never sit and just enjoy sitting because I always have this nagging that I could be doing other productive things.  I feel like the books and the video games and Tivo are screaming at me to read me, watch me, play me.  I feel like if I don’t see the tourist attractions in my town, they are going to pack up and leave without me having ever seen them.

It takes a lot for me to step back, take a deep breath and just CHILL THE HELL OUT.

It is not the end of the world.  And many of you are probably thinking, so give it up! Give it all up and don’t worry about it!

But I enjoy it all.  I really, really do and if that makes me shallow and materialistic and vapid and any other word you want to throw at me, then so be it because overall, I know there are many other places in my life where I do valuable and intellectual things and am so overworked on those things that they are the exact reason I can enjoy the shallow and vapid parts of life.  And because of that I don’t want to give it up.

Besides, if I did, then I might miss out of the GREATEST (insert cool things here) EVER!

I just need a balance.  I need to figure out how to do all of the things I want to do, PERFECTLY, in the time that I have to do them.

I think the only feasible way to do that is to quit my job and find a sugar daddy.  And then I could be lazy and slothlike and be a professional hobbyist for the rest of my life.

I’d be totally lying if I said that would be the greatest thing ever because I would probably get bored and feel worthless because I’m not contributing to society or my own well being.

So for now I guess I’ll just settle with being overstimulated and lazy and live with the guilt trip that I’m just going to have to either be busy or miss out on some things.

Just make sure to inform me if you think some thing is the GREATEST EVER so I don’t miss out.

(And I think I’m ending this post here … Wordpress is already saying it’s 1735 words long and I can’t figure out how to end it on a witty note and that’s why I never became a writer like I wanted to.  Plus, I’ve got a book I want to start and a Daisy of Love episode that I need to fit in as well as some Facebooking and Twittering awaiting.  This is what you get when I start removing the filter people!!!!)

© Kristy for kallure.com, 2009. | Permalink | 4 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: blogging, Entertainment, greatest things ever, hobbies, laziness, oversaturation, overstimulation, reading, tivo, tv, video games, xbox

Can you tell I’m trying something new?

I’ve been trying to get myself back into a rhythm of writing here.  Or somewhere.  And I’m not sure of the best way to do it.  I’m still not sure if this is the right way.  But you gotta start somewhere.

I’m not even sure if there’s a point to this entry except to work through some ideas.

This site has been around for nine years this summer.  That’s a lot of time.  A lot of thoughts.  A lot of words.  Most of the old entries have been pulled from the public eye but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t available in the Internet archive.

(I didn’t pull them so they couldn’t be read – I just needed a fresh slate everytime I deleted them.  Kind of like a fresh notebook beckoning you to fill it up.  That first blank page holds so many promises.)

There’s something to be said about longevity, especially on the Internet.  Sites are fleeting and it’s rare that I find people who have stuck around as long as me.  Most of the group I used to follow back when I was twenty and in college is gone now and have been replaced by a different group.  Different people, different thoughts, different backgrounds – but ultimately, we are all the same because we have made the same decision to share our personal lives with the Internet.

Ultimately, the problem with longevity is the exposure.  I’ve been at the same place, the same little corner of the web, for nine years.  Nine years ago, having a website wasn’t common.  Sure, anyone could have one but it wasn’t mainstream.  The term and idea of a “blog” was just becoming “trendy” (hence why I hopped on that bandwagon!) and I found it a nice cathartic release for working through the daily issues that I experienced and finding those who were in similar situations and sharing similar circumstances.  And I could do it quietly because no one in my personal life would think to search for a website or would bother to “google” it when I made an off-the-cuff remark about my online journal.

I chose to share my life in a public forum so I find it almost hypocritical at times to complain about the lack of privacy.  And it’s not neccessarily privacy I’m looking for on the Internet because that would be a silly concept.  I guess it’s more that I long for the freedom of days past.  Of when no one I knew in my personal life read my site or even knew it existed.  Friends, family, coworkers – none of them really knew about my site.  So I could kind of write what I pleased in a public forum with a bit of anonymity.  I could bitch about work, I could complain about my crazy family, I could lament about my relationship and I could do it all to people I had never met before and not worry about insulting them or whether they were going to run and tell the person I was talking about.  They were unbiased, they offered advice freely, they cared.  This was before the Internet got mean.

But meanness was never even an issue for me.  I am thankful that as the Internet and blogging community evolved I stayed unpopular enough to avoid the crazies.  I read some of the stuff the more prominent bloggers deal with and I am thankful everyday that my reach never extended too far beyond my little corner.

The issue was the exposure, as I said above.  Now I find myself not even wanting to write because everything that is bothering me, everything that makes me a real person, everything that I want to share, that I want to put into words just so I can get it out and make it go away already! clams up inside of me because I don’t want it to be read by anyone but people I don’t know.

It sounds crazy, I know.  It’s the Internet, I know.

Just don’t write things you wouldn’t say in person. That’s easier said than done.  There’s a lot I can’t say in person.  There’s a lot of things I try to deal with in my daily life that I can’t say to people because of stupid repercussions.  Because they’ll be mad or hurt or upset or just throw a fit about it.

Okay, well write them in a personal journal, offline, privately. Doable, but part of the reason I like to write online is the feedback I do get from online friends.  Those that don’t judge and if they do, who cares because they’re online and I don’t have to see or hang out with them everyday.  I try to talk to certain people about other aspects of my life but there’s such polarizing opinions that it’s difficult to even have a listening ear, someone who doesn’t have their own opinion into things.  This person thinks that person is unreasonable and that I should just tell them to ‘F-off!’.  This other person think everyone else, including the last person, is wrong.  There’s few people in real life who just sit and listen objectively and help me work through decisions based on what they think is best for me and not what they feel personally about the situation and the people involved in it.

It’s difficult, to say the least.  I’ve even considered therapy but I’m afraid that’s one step closer to being crazy.

Plus, I can’t really afford the deductible and I’ve got enough physically wrong with me at this point that I think adding mental issues would just be the icing on the cake.

I’ve considered private entries on Wordpress here but haven’t really found a private system that still will allow me to promote to the users I want.  I would like something that notifies followes when an entry is posted so those who are registered can know to go log in.  I would ideally like something posted to my RSS feed that says a new private entry is available, go log in.  But I don’t think that’s possible, especially considering the whole concept of RSS promotes the idea of publically available information.

I’ve used other sites, like Livejournal, to blog only my most private stuff and that works in a pinch but I hate managing two sites and the private groups over there.

Lastly, I’ve considered closing Kallure and moving somewhere else.  But then I would have to start all over again.  I want it to be publically available and I want most of my longtime followers to still be able to follow me but at the same time, I don’t want to share my new location with my personal life.

I’m lost now.  I just don’t know how to mesh everything.  I don’t know how to use these tools effectively anymore.

It is the reason I don’t write much anymore.  I know what I want to talk about.  There’s a slew of thoughts running through my head on a daily basis of what I can write about.  I just don’t know how.  I don’t know the best way to write for the masses, for the public and the personal.

I don’t know how to make everyone happy.

Maybe my problem is the fact that I’m trying to do exactly that.

Maybe that’s why I have so many problems in the first place.

How do I teach myself to embrace the idea that I can’t make everyone happy, online or off? 

(I hate feeling as if I have hurt people’s feelings.  I hate the idea  that someone is angry at me.  I hate knowing that my words or thoughts or opinions have somehow affected the happiness or mood of others.)

I don’t know how to change that.  And in the process, I don’t know how to make myself happy.

Maybe I do need to see that therapist.

© Kristy for kallure.com, 2009. | Permalink | 5 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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