Footsteps in the Mirror

Twenty Seven

Edrei — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 15:10:27 +0000

Twenty seven is a good number.

It really is.

Now that that I've made as big deal out of it as I can, can we all just move along like it never happened?

Really, there are better things to do…like avoid Chlamydia.

Yeah, play it right. Practice safe sex.

This public service announcement was brought to you by the number 27.

Always a good number, until I stop saying otherwise.

2 Comments

At July 21, 2010, Jeff wrote:
Happy birthday! I had no idea that you were younger than me. You come off as a mature person with a lot of life experience.
At July 21, 2010, Edrei wrote:
I think that came up in one of our email conversations. :) You mentioned the exact same thing too, I remember. I don't know about mature, but I'll accept the life experience bit. :)

---
Here are some more related posts for your reading pleasure:

Kicking Around

Edrei — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 00:56:21 +0000

Something I've been kicking around throughout the weekend. That and actually working out the logistics of what it takes to complete the final design. I was right though, I'm not going to like the process, but at least this time I'm not going to wrack my brains trying to choose the appropriate colour scheme.

Speaking of kicking around, Germany obliterated England 4-1 in the World Cup last night. Not that I would actually talk about football on this blog, but it's something that warrants mentioning. It was the icing on an otherwise pleasant weekend. There is a guilty pleasure in dancing over dejected fans. I know it's not ethical, but when you go against the norm, you take every single victory in stride.

---
Here are some more related posts for your reading pleasure:

Need A Bigger Plate

Edrei — Sat, 26 Jun 2010 02:49:08 +0000

Now that I'm free from that great burden, I can now start working on the things I really wanted to do. Even though I do use melancholy as a source for inspiration, the fact that I couldn't do anything at all over the last 11 months testified to just how bad the situation got, but now that's over, I can get back to using my usually dark mood swings as sources of creativity. So far since last Tuesday I find myself in the middle of a few projects.

Building a new computer that I want rather than something I need like I have been since forever.
Working on some short stories to fine tune the dystopian world I'm creating for NaNoWriMo this year end.
Redesigning and revamping this blog from scratch.

Now as much as I would like to do everything at once since I'm at a post-freedom buzz, I know that's simply not possible. Seeing that I still do have a day (or night depending on my shift) job to do, there are only certain times of the day or week that I'm actually free to do anything at all. So rather than making a rookie mistake, you know as well as I do, I'm going to have to do one thing at a time.

Given my capabilities with computers, building a new one isn't hard at all. I've been doing it for more than a decade so it's pretty much a cake walk for me. I'm excited that this time I'm doing this for myself with the things I want rather than for someone else I'll have to stare and envy. The issue here is that I'll be trying to do this without having to reinstall Windows all over again. Basically a hard drive swap into a fresh new system. I've been doing my research and while some people say I probably do have to do a fresh clean install, others say taken the right measures, I can get away without installing. All I know now is that I'm prepared for both, but I'm not really looking forward to having to reinstall the 145 programs that grace my current system. Tedium is always a mood killer.

Writing the short stories while not my forte at all to do creative fiction, isn't going to be that hard either. It's just going to be slow and complicated. I see myself probably doing a few hundred words every couple of days, maybe more if I have the inspiration for it. It's just not going to be a priority and nor am I pushing myself for it. The main purpose is to put down what's on my mind and fine tune the kinks later for when I write NaNoWriMo (which is going to be the actual push). I'm not expecting to write a published best seller either, so there is no reason why I shouldn't be able to do this.

Finally, it comes down to this blog, my blog and it is the hardest and most complicated project out of the three. I've talked about it before and I know it has to be done. I last revamped this blog over 4 years ago. Given how much WordPress, myself and you my readers have changed over those years, what I'm facing is a complete overhaul of the user interface coupled with a new design, colour scheme, graphics, everything. Given my limited knowledge of coding and web design, I know I'm going to have problems right off the board. Given than this isn't something that can be done whenever I feel like it too isn't exactly a point for making it easy. It's going to be a long haul and I know it's going to stress me out and I'm going to start lashing out at the world and harming myself. Such is the price of lonely ambitions but I know it'll somehow work out in the end. This current blog theme after all was a result of that unstable madness and I am pretty damn proud of it.

So there, three big projects to work on. As I'm typing this, I sit here thinking what the hell I'm getting myself into, but then again, the better roads in my life somehow come from taking a step out of my comfort zone and doing the things I feel woefully inadequate to tackle. Sometimes you never know what may come out of the things you work so hard on and even after these years, the end results of some of my efforts still surprised me. Still, I can't help wondering that I may need a bigger plate to put all of this in, or maybe put less on my plate for now.

Hmm.

Nah.

---
Here are some more related posts for your reading pleasure:

Still Alive

Edrei — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 02:45:16 +0000

It's been almost a year of holding my breath and at the end of it, the rest of my future was decided on a single Tuesday morning. Now, the weight that has been on my back for the last 11 months has been lifted. I survived. I can finally breathe again. I am still alive.

Alive to do the things I want to do. Alive to do the things I should do. Alive to stay the course I know I have to take. Alive to keep the promises I had to make.

For the most part, there was a price to pay for that victory, both monetarily and emotionally, but like all the hellish trials in my life, surviving them results in me changing my entire perspective of life. Do I consider myself the luckiest person in the world? Yes. Do I think that I still have God's Grace? Well it's hard to dispute that now even for an agnostic like myself. Do I have someone in my life that represents the absolute definition of miracles? Most definitely.

Yet life goes on. I can waffle on about how I've been feeling for the past few days, drunk on the triumph of the moment and excess energy that has kept me going in the darkness, but the truth is, the world still turns and life still goes on, and rest assured this time I know, I'll be with it every step of the way.

For now at least, there will always be this song to get me by and a blog to start working on again.

1 Comments

At June 25, 2010, Naoko wrote:
Welcome back. :)

---
Here are some more related posts for your reading pleasure:

Creating Dystopia

Edrei — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 15:41:13 +0000

I've always been fascinated with stories set in dystopian worlds. If I could sum up the two great dystopian literature that I've taken to heart all these years, it would be Orwell's "Nineteen Eighty Four" and Huxley's "Brave New World". Both of which I could debate into the wee hours of the night summing up how they both parallel the world we live in today (and considering they were written in the 1930's and 40's, it's pretty amazing). These days I've taken to actually writing stories rather than just reading about them. It's not a particularly easy thing when compared to other people who have been writing stories since they were barely into their teens, I've only started all too recently. Then again, we all have to start somewhere.

I've sort of started working on this year's NaNoWriMo again. While last year's virgin effort was a success, I still found myself in great difficulty pressing forward simply because I never really answered the pressing question of how the world in my novel is really like. While I can come up with a million and one imaginary dialogues for my favourite science fiction and fantasy universes, those worlds already exist as it is. Creating a cohesive universe from scratch is not exactly an easy task for an amateur hobbyist, but I believe to make my next novel attempt work, I've got to at least try something new.

So it comes down to the genre I've picked and the world I'm trying to create. Biopunk, a little known genre where the use of biotechnology is culturally prevalent and socially accepted as machine parts and cybernetic brains are as common place in a Cyberpunk universe. It is in effect the antithesis to the Cyberpunk genre and as far as genre's like this go, the world that it's set in presents itself with a dystopian future. There in lies the monumental task ahead of me.

As far as I know and understand, a dystopian world is one where most of the citizens are primarily oppressed. The means of oppression does not matter for they may range from fear and brutality to entertainment and apathy, but as long as the citizens have their lives controlled by a central power, that itself is the basis for a dystopian setting. This in turn affects the science, culture, economy and most importantly politics of the world. The science of the world I'm trying to create I can handle with minimal input. Having a degree in both biotechnology and medical science does give me some advantages in this field. The rest however, primarily the economy of the a dystopian world, I do need a lot of input on.

The main problem I'm finding out however, isn't how the system would work in my story, it's why it has turned out that way to begin with. I've always envisioned cyberpunk worlds to be easier to swallow mainly because the plot devices and science behind the story can literally be a deus ex machina and we won't question it much. With genetics, it's harder to to just throw in some technical terms and call it a day. While fiction may work that way, the science doesn't. It's hard to swallow a story when the basis under it doesn't sound all too plausible.

So I'm writing notes on a some old school pen and paper notebook. As it is, I'm still working on creating an economy and a political system that runs on a culture driven by biotechnological progress, and I've yet to refine the culture and science behind it. Still, it's somewhat inspiring to go back to the roots of writing, when all you need was a feverish imagination and something tangible to write on. Not to say I've gone all hippie all a sudden, I'll still have to copy what I've manually written down onto my computer, but at least that is a start and I don't feel myself bogged down by it, neither should I be at this point.

What I really don't mind is having someone to talk to about refining the dystopian world I'm building. I feel the universe and its concepts should be bigger and more complex than what I can grasp right now. Sometimes it is a good idea to just wing it and go with the flow, but sometimes it's a good idea to create a reason why your characters should exist in the first place. It would be a big help to have more human input than just me scoring the web for things. Either way, I'll try and keep things updated on this point.

I really think that this is a good idea to start a novel on. With a little hope as much as effort, I'll see this to the end.

---
Here are some more related posts for your reading pleasure:

Holding The Heart Hostage

Edrei — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 10:50:38 +0000

I'd like to believe that after almost 7 years, we would have moved on in life, able to talk to one another again without feeling the slightest amount of regret and pain for what has happened all those years ago. Unfortunately, life isn't so forgiving and neither does it play fair.

We are definitely each others Kryptonite. We invoke in one another feelings that may never be resolved. It makes it harder on us just by realising how easy it is to fall back into old habits just simply conversing even online. I know you still love me. It's not the first time you've admitted it in the years after you decided to walk way. That was never the problem. It's just so frustrating to see you take a step forward towards rebuilding what we once lost then taking two steps back into the silence in which you've kept yourself from me all these years.

I want you to be happy. I always did, despite the things you did to try and tear me from you. Yet saying that I am the one that would give that to you isn't helping your cause. I wish there was something I could do for you, I really do. But even I had to climb out of the empty hole that you left in your wake. I know I can never find someone who reads me quite like you do. Someone who shares that darkness the same way we do. I may never have been the better person, but as you said last night, I've always been the most compatible. Isn't that all we look for even in friendship?

You taught me so much in your presence and in your absence. A large part of who I am today is because of you. Yet I still can't convince you to take my hand and laugh like the times of old. Despite it all, we always seem lost to one another. That small part of me devoid of the morbid humour and curiosity we shared as I know is empty in you too.

I still love you in a way I love no one else. That part of my heart will always belong to you, even the one beside me knows and accepts it with a graciousness knowing there she can never compete for that place. I never drew that line you would not cross, you did. It's unfair to both of us. For you to punish yourself like this. For me as being someone whom you'll have all or none at all.

I know I will never let you go after all that we've been through, but I have moved on. I just wish you would move on with me to a future that while may not be one of our dreams past and present, but one we can still make a reality in an otherwise unknown future.

A future where that mint plant is still alive and hopefully, just hopefully, aphid free.

---
Here are some more related posts for your reading pleasure:

Finding Purpose

Edrei — Sun, 30 May 2010 11:41:29 +0000

I'm not the only one that feel this way. Among my regular reads, Cas and Gnorb also feel the same way about their blogs. In so many ways, thanks to our ever forward moving lives, some social networking and maybe that weird neighbor down the street that I would like to cast the blame on for no reason whatsoever, our blogs have become almost empty. Scarcely updated and left to its own devices. We have contemplated leaving for good like so many before us, but I think we just can not bear to leave it be.

Our blogs have become part of our lives. We put so much work into it, emotionally sharing our feelings not to mention the hours, weeks and months just trying to put it together as a readable whole. Yet, contrary to the many people who grew up with blogs as a norm, this part of the internet does not define our lives. We blog not because we'd like ten thousand people to visit our site (though we have dreamed that beautiful dream). We didn't blog because we want to become sponsored, ad-centric sites in the hopes of leaving our jobs so we can sit at home and surf the net (again, a fleeting thought of a dream). No, we blogged because we wanted to, because we had time to and the words to string together to express it so. As we grew and nurtured in our moments, so did we lose track of the time we needed to share the same moments.

As a result, each passing day became the case of "I'll write that down later" that never happened. Eventually, what was left was a jumble of a story to share with a beginning we couldn't quite pin down. How do you share all the things in our lives between now and the last post a few months ago? How do you put so much of your existence into a perspective that doesn't sound like a high school diary after you wrote it? I dare hope that these were the same thoughts that echoed through both Cas and Gnorb's head as they decided to leave their blog out for just "one more day" (cause if it doesn't this post will make me sound less wise and prophetic than I'd like to think I am). So it comes down to this, what do we do with a blog that doesn't seem to fit a life we now live? It's a question that has long baffled long-time bloggers but one whose answers are already there in front of us.

We blog, we write, because we choose to. It doesn't matter if what we're doing in our lives, what matters is that we do it because we want to do so. That's what makes not better blogs or even better writers, but better people. The fact that I have been neglecting my blog for so long aside from the fact that there has been so much happening in my life simply means that it has reached the end of its chapter. I can't express what I really feel when what I write on doesn't agree with what I've been through. So I have to redefine and reshape this blog to something I feel comfortable rolling around in.

It would of course take time and a whole lot of trial and error, but if that's what I truly want, then I know I'll find some way to go about it. After all, this blog doesn't define me, it is defined by me. I'd like to keep it that way, for as long as I possibly could. I don't like to throw away something I've invested so much of my existence into. It's about time this place evolved into the person I am now.

2 Comments

At May 30, 2010, Jeff wrote:
I can completely relate. There are over 200 drafts in my Wordpress install; ideas that I wrote down to explore some other time. I've been going through the same slowdown of writing, though on a much lesser scale. I had a strong need to write for the first 8 years of my blog, and during that time, I definitely felt like my blog defined me as a person. Now I just write when I feel like it, and I'm slowly drifting away from that idea.
At May 31, 2010, Edrei wrote:
@Jeff: I don't think that your blog defines you, at least not from your post. I think its you yourself that gives your blog its character. You're a complex and interesting person on your own grounds to have something like a medium define who you are. You're one of the better blogs out there I read simply because of that. Don't let yourself think otherwise.

---
Here are some more related posts for your reading pleasure:

No Simple Thoughts

Edrei — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 13:54:54 +0000

I know I've been neglecting this blog for a long time. As far as outlets go, I haven't had a chance to use this one ever since the events that transpired right before my birthday. Events that have yet to come to pass. Thing is, I do want to talk about all the things that are floating around in my head. Things that have nothing to do with my own depressed psyche. The world has rightly changed since that point and I do need to address those points as well.

For instance, I think it has become increasingly obvious that world is being driven to a dystopia described by Aldous Huxley cult classic science fiction novel, Brave New World. I'd like to talk about it, yet I can't find the words nor the counterargument that would make for an interesting writeup. As much as I would like to argue with myself that humanity is blindly driving itself to a very scary future, I can't find anyone willing to talk about it because it's either too heavy for them or just too depressing to think about or they just plain haven't read Brave New World before. So what's left but the very thing I'm good at sharing with myself, which are my feelings?

Let's start with this one, I feel that I was born ahead of my time.

As much as I would like to better myself, it isn't without having my own ideals challenged constantly by people who would either think differently or have a more evolved ideal to mine. After all, the only real way anyone would progress as an individual is if they prove themselves through conflict, regardless of whether it is through fire and brimstone or the existential search of a truth. I may sit on my high tower believing that I have the better grasp on things, but there is no way to know for sure until I run it through the mill. Something I lack and have been lacking for a long time.

I wish that at the end of the day, I am able to do my part in proving not just my point, but in doing something about what I find greatly disturbing in the world around me. I know I was born for far greater things in life and if the gauntlet that I've been constantly run through is any indication, I was never meant for a simple happy existence. Give me that chance to better myself even further still. There is still so much left for me to accomplish. I just need your help to make it all a reality.

1 Comments

At April 26, 2010, Naoko wrote:
That means I need to get the book, right? XD

---
Here are some more related posts for your reading pleasure:

The Lost Company

Edrei — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 15:04:01 +0000

Over the years, I have walked the roads on a journey to find companionship and camaraderie. It's not exactly a grand ambition, for everyone travels this road one way or another. Although, most people are relatively more successful than me. They have their groups, their, cliques, their niches and their confidantes. Undoubtedly, it's easier to take note of what other people have when you realise it's everything you lack. This far along the road, I know I haven't quite gotten there yet.

I know for the most part, this is a result of my own doing. I have high standards when it comes to having people counted as friends. I'd like to think that having someone you can count on to be there for you when you need them isn't too much to ask. Unfortunately enough, it is for many I have come to know in the past, which is why it has always ended up in a parting of ways and the lonely self-loathing that I wallow in. It's a choice and I definitely pay the price for it.

So at the end of the day, the people I know, the people whom I consider my peers, are the people I find myself in the company of, the people whom I share my daily existence with. Not life, but merely an existence. "Friendships" are maintained by the moment, for something of mutual gain. It just works better that way. It's less a hassle for people and much less a disappointment on my expectations when things go wrong. I just wouldn't call them friends per say because it's hard to lob it into my definition for it. Doesn't mean I don't respect them either way. It's just a matter of wordplay that's all.

It's is a lonely life. I know I'm better prepared for it these days, but it doesn't take away the fact that I still yearn for good company to have. Someone I can laugh and share my secrets with and not have them run away. It is a cruel and unfair world out there to bear the burdens of a life you never wanted to live, it's quite another to bear it in quiet solitude. People whom I've lost as friends has been moments of both dire sadness and solidified conviction, but never regret. They are testaments to the simple fact that living life is all about the continuous journey to reach for what we desire. Even if those lost friendships never understood what I've always been looking for, it doesn't mean that no one out there does, and that is a simple enough dream to look for.

I would think that one day I would find people I can call true friends. In the mean time I would have to make do with what I have. A bottle of bourbon and a small prayer that you'll have a good gaming night. It's certainly better than false pretenses for friendship, and I'm really being serious about it.

---
Here are some more related posts for your reading pleasure:

Old Flames

Edrei — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 17:20:29 +0000

It was a secret she kept for a long time, though by some miraculous twist of fate, I found out what it was. It felt petty for me to be angry at the fact she never told me despite the times we have spent talking to one another, catching up on old times, but for what its worth, I understand why she told no one and in the same position, I would have done the same. Who's to say I'm not doing the same now anyway?

It is something to be in awe of. The things you hardly expect from the past to happen. Even if you left that life a long time ago, there were always certain expectations that you could always abide to, expectations that to someone of my unique…upbringing, hold true even now. Jocks will always be stay close to home. Geeks will always be find a way to be successful in their own right. Rebels will always be outspoken to the inhumanity of humanity. And old crushes that were the archetype for you falling in love with every ice queen there was will ways be that archetype.

I suppose in many ways, this is exactly the kind of thing that I should have expected from someone like her. A life beyond the norm that I expect everyone else from my past to live. There was a time when I fell in love with her because I felt that she could understand the burdens people like me strapped over our shoulders. She carried her own cross and so did I, even if it was remarkably different in how we dealt with it over the years, misery loves company. As we parted ways, my feelings unrequited, I still never forgot her and what she meant to me. She knew how I felt, but she also knew I was wise enough to not let it affect a friendship. Of all the people from my past, she is the only I still talk to with any measure of fondness.

Now of course, everything has changed, the world has past us by and we're all grown up in more ways than one. In my mind she's still the archetype of all that I cherish in the one I now love. This news changes everything and surprisingly, nothing at a the same time. She is a new person as she is the same one I had a crush on so many years ago. The way I see it, she is as practical, selfish and emotionally pragmatic as I knew her in high school. She will survive whatever hardship that comes her way and through that, give a better life for the people she would be willing to endure it for. That much I have faith in her.

So here is to a new life and a new future for the one person in that part of my past that still meant something to me. You certainly jumped the gun on this one and there aren't many events that can cause my mind to literally implode like that but coming from you, how can I hold it against you?

After all, I know you'll make a great mother and I wish the very best for you.

I always have.

---
Here are some more related posts for your reading pleasure:

The Long Beastial Silence

Edrei — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 06:48:07 +0000

It has been a while since I have said anything, both in real life and on this blog.

It could be because what I want to say has been said too many times. Or it could be because what I want to say shouldn't be heard by everybody. Or maybe it could be because I don't have much time to really say what I want to say. Or maybe because I haven't found the right words to say them.

Whatever the reasons are, the long silence has itself an impact on myself, my psyche. I am less of a person to be able to hold back the passion that drove me to say whatever I meant to say. I am less of a person to hold back a passion that drove me to take incredible risks for those unimaginable and often unattainable rewards.

Such is the price to pay to survive the unimaginable odds. We become less of a person for the sake of it, and return to the animal that would do anything to protect itself and whatever is left.

Such is the nature of the beast and this is my howl in the coldness of the long night.

1 Comments

At March 9, 2010, Naoko wrote:
Thus, in forsaking what society demands of you, the humanity by which society shapes disappears.

---
Here are some more related posts for your reading pleasure:

Two Weeks

Edrei — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 01:21:52 +0000

She surprised me when she arrived. She took a piece of me when she left. While the past month have been somewhat of a blur, one thing's for certain, that the past 2 weeks have been a tropical island in a sea of storms and emptiness.

I know we've both changed. Distance and time does that to everything, whether it be the tallest of mountains or bigger yet, two of the oddest balls that ever came together. Yet, despite the change, the two of us have changed not just to deal with the increasing pressure of what we face, but to complement each other as well. Our roads constantly running parallel to one another like a well choreographed dance routine. Yet, our actions have never been planned let alone choreographed. What we do has always been tantamount to our own selfish and individualistic desires.

We do it simply because we want something better for ourselves. In return we made something better for one another.

I know most relationships don't operate on the same level of passion. It does take a different sense of reality to defy the normal standard of love and relationships. However, with everything that we have faced so far and with everything we will be facing, being normal and following the social rules which most relationships are based could never see us through. We are the odd sort of people, one that throws away the social distinction and emotional desires for a simpler and more manageable common sense and practical selfishness.

It is why we've lived and flourished for this long. It's why we both know and not just believe that can weather the storms that we cannot seem to avoid.

Until we see each other again though, I will continue to play my role as she will do the same. We will continue to redefine our own set of limits in the place of the rules we tend to defy over and over again. Until I see Mel again, I will have to operate on the shred of hope that there are happy endings, and like God does not play dice, there are reasons for everything happening.

We just do out best to control what we can and ride the rest into the great blue yonder.

3 Comments

At February 1, 2010, Jeff wrote:
You guys look SO CUTE! I think the "secret" to the success of your relationship is the fact that you're able to view it from such a healthy perspective; understanding hardships, the inevitability of change, and being willing to work on things if necessary. It's too bad that more people aren't like that.
At February 2, 2010, Edrei wrote:
@Jeff: I don't know if its called healthy. Plenty of people would disagree with certain things like the openness of our relationship or the acceptance in letting me self-harm when she knows she can't comfort me. I guess at the end of the day, dealing with hardships and change is what we do, but its how we do it that makes it work. We've accepted who we are and it makes it easier to come to grips of what we're capable of doing, to ourselves and at the end of the day, to each other.
At February 13, 2010, Eli James wrote:
I second Jeff. You guys look great together. =)

---
Here are some more related posts for your reading pleasure:

New Year Same Deal

Edrei — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 14:38:48 +0000

While this was the sort of post you'd expect to see over the new years, I really didn't feel like writing it down to begin with. Mainly because I was busy, mostly because it is something I probably said a million times already.

The thing about New Years is that for me at least, I've lost all sense of it being something celebratory. It's become for me at least, another circle around the sun by the little planet that could. While people mark the year's end/beginning as a time for coming up with goals/resolutions/achievements that mostly fail within the first month, I've been measuring my time in terms of each and every crisis I have to face and little goals I set myself to accomplish. In short, the New Year is nothing more than an excuse for me to not do anything but rest and relax for a couple of days before returning to the fray.

My New Year has also been pockmarked with a lot of bad memories. From losing love ones to feeling helpless in the face of people I can't save, it feels like a long standing tradition of badly dealt cards. In so many ways, I don't want to think about all the things that happen in the face of this. I know it is part of the past and I should let it go, but you know how the mind wanders, more so when you're alone. I'm alone a lot during new years.

That being said, I really don't have a resolution or wish for the coming 365 days, except the hope that the next few months would see myself through the most toughest of trials. There is a lot of shit and fire to traverse past and I can only hope that I can go through it unscathed. I can only hope, but reality has never been kind to my plight. I have the scars to prove just that.

It's a New Year with the same deals, the same battles, the same wars and I start it with the same warcry I bellow into the night every year.

"Bring it on!" I say.

And life always does its best.

3 Comments

At January 5, 2010, Naoko wrote:
In short, the New Year is nothing more than an excuse for me to not do anything but rest and relax for a couple of days before returning to the fray.

*Raises glass* Hear hear!
At February 5, 2010, Martin Kono wrote:
Many people want to believe that they will change rapidly in next year but honestly - if someone doesn't have the will to change at any time, he won't do it because it is 2010 and not 2009 anymore. I think that you are one hundred percent right!
At February 7, 2010, Joey Logano Fan wrote:
Best of luck with the New Year, in the end everything will be alright I'd always say.

---
Here are some more related posts for your reading pleasure:

Best Christmas Wishes

Edrei — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 09:46:59 +0000

The thing about doing the late shift as a medical scientist is that you often get called up to collect the blood from hospital patients after everyone else has gone home. Being that is was Christmas eve, everyone went home extra early leaving 2 people on as the skeleton crew. I was one of them.

He was old and frail and the arm in which I took the blood from was as limp as if it didn't have an bones left in it. We talked for a while. Him, to strike a conversation with the only visitor on the eve before Christmas. Me, to calm my nerves being new at taking blood from someone that I've taken previously.

In that moment there was a special bond formed. I knew a bit more about him and he knew a bit more about me. Despite the fact it was only for a short time, I think we both understood just how lonely that night meant for us. So despite doing my job, my smile was sincere as were my wishes for him. I hoped that he would get better. I know I would make an effort to keep track of his progress.

Leaving the confines of the hospital's critical care unit, I began to take note of all the other wards around. Those that had family by them in the hours counting down to Christmas and particularly those that were as silent and empty as the patients who stared into the blank wall or the blaring TV. In a country where Christmas is a holiday that brings people together in cheer, the unvisited dark rooms felt desperately gloomy. Even in my own solitude and melancholy, I know I still had my own health and at the own day, I got to go home. These people deserved more than they were getting.

So I made a choice, if I could the next time around, I would spend more time with those who didn't deserve their solitude. Even if I was alone, I know it was still my own choice. I know I still could do something about it, and I would and I will. No one deserves to be alone on Christmas. Even if it's a meaningless tradition based upon a pagan ritual. Even if its heavily rooted onto a monotheistic belief I have no faith in, Christmas still means something to me, and I would wish it about those that have no one to share it with.

It's the least I could do.

---
Here are some more related posts for your reading pleasure:

The Empty Lull

Edrei — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 01:34:31 +0000

It feels like it's been so long since I last blogged, properly that is. Given that work has pretty much overtaken my life and the rigors of November's NaNoWriMo took up basically every shred of free time that I have, my online catharsis has been somewhat neglected of late, much like almost every other personal blog that I've followed diligently over the years.

I suppose at the end of the day, as I grow up little by little, the need to rant diminishes with time, which when you think of it is completely opposite from the people around me who tend to rant and complain more as they get older. I guess, I'm starting to realise that sometimes there is no point in saying something when no one listens and nothing can be done. The best I can and know how to do is to endure and ride the waves out.

That's not to say that there is nothing happening in my life. Far from it in fact. It feels like there is a mountain of woe on my shoulders and every single day is a constant struggle to stay somewhat lucid and aware enough so that the day's end doesn't result in me having someone killed. I do in fact feel that I've been thrown into the deep end of the pond without any knowledge of how to swim while at the same time carrying what amounts to my own weight, on my back.

There was a time when stuff like that will result in a long down and out post that I'm apparently known for but, as I'm writing this, it just feels like I have no time to, well… feel. Maybe when daylight makes way for the darkness of the night and when all winds down after a hard day's works, I can bring myself to feel depressed, but even those times are taken over by my regular late shifts.

It's odd that the ballast and anchor for my own depression is the constant workload that threatens to wear me out to the bone, but there have been stranger remedies for our own mental state of mind. For now, I'll do what I can to keep writing in spite of my full plate, after all this blog has always been the last bastion for my own emotional outlet. Maybe one day though, that might all change, but I don't see that coming any time soon.

So here we have the empty lull of my life. The calm surface in which there is a measure of consistency and serenity, one that masks a darker, more chaotic layer. One I will share with you one day, but not today.

7 Comments

At December 8, 2009, Naoko wrote:
As what they say, Air tenang jangan disangka tiada buaya.

Paddle well, Edrei.
At December 11, 2009, Jeff wrote:
I totally know how you feel. Not that I'm at the point where the need to rant diminishes over time, but I always wonder if/when I achieve a real sense of happiness and stability, whether I'll stop writing completely. On one hand, I really don't want to give it up because I enjoy it and I think it benefits other people. On the other hand, wouldn't it be great to be so satisfied and complete that you don't need to say anything anymore?
At December 13, 2009, tulipspeaks wrote:
is it just me or most of the bloggers i know are facing the similar predicament?
At December 13, 2009, Edrei wrote:
Naoko: Paddling is one thing. Facing crocs after crocs is another.
Jeff: I think we will always have something to say, just that it doesn't always have to be about dramas and what nots. Even contentment and happiness provides their own story.
Tulipspeaks: Yes and no, the good ones do tend to feel less an urge to share their thoughts anymore. Most bloggers, thanks to the ease of use have moved on to microblogging platforms like Twitter, tend to spend more time sharing their current thoughts in a single line than expanding on it.
At December 16, 2009, junsern wrote:
i have to agree... as u get older u see things differently... and work really drains the life out of someone! damn this working environment!
At December 24, 2009, Joey Logano Fan wrote:
Looking forward to the next post whenever that may be, not sure what else I could add to what the others have said in their comments, so I will wish you a happy holidays, and a happy new year soon to come! =D
At February 5, 2010, Martin Kono wrote:
Sometimes I feel that nothing is happening in my life and I feel that there is nothing I can do about it. But still, sometimes it is necessary to stay still for a while and thing about the past, the future, and about the things that are going on right now in this moment.

---
Here are some more related posts for your reading pleasure: