The moment you get a child it becomes a family.

As parents, wife and I have often discussed & even debated how the daughter gets all the attention. Our lives revolve around her. Schedules, outings, likes & dislikes are planned keeping her in mind. We sometimes forget our choices and just go with what would make her comfortable.

Lives are busy. We make time for family outings and meeting friends. And then we forget we were a couple.

I thought I was seeing this shallow, maybe this is how life is supposed to move on. Its a phase, we will go into the next one in a couple of years.

Then one morning, there was a gem I found among all those “Good Morning” messages in the family Whats App group.

Why I say gem because I have not read this perspective earlier and it was hitting it home big time.

I am curious what do you think as a couple or as a parent. Do let me know.

———– x ———–

He grinned when he saw his daughter, and her husband as he walked into the house.
The old man, was on one of his rare visits to his daughter and son- in-law.

He met them in the Diwali vacation.
This was needed to comfort the old man from loneliness after his wife’s demise seven months ago.

After dinner that evening, he whispered to his son-in-law that if they didn’t mind, he would love to have a quick word with the couple after the children had gone to bed.

By 9pm, the couple was back in the living room to hear what the old man had to say.

He started by asking them a simple question.
“What is the most important thing in your life beti?
She replied, “Daddy, it is the kids !!! They mean everything to me”..

He then turned and asked his son-in-law the same question, he also (beaming with pride) said :
“it is the kids of course; they are the reason why I work so hard to ensure they have a better life”

“Well said my children. I don’t mean to intrude on how to run your family life, but I believe there is a fundamental error you will need to correct. He said “ I have observed how much you both love your kids and dedicate all your time for them……

I have observed that almost all your conversation borders mostly on the kids.” The couple nodded in admission to the assertion.

He continued, “I am a poultry farmer, and the biggest egg supplier in my district. I make my money by the quantity of eggs sold. That said, my priority has always been providing optimal care for the chicken. Because, I know that when the chicken are healthy and productive, the eggs will automatically be bountiful.
If I start to ignore the chicken, the eggs will also suffer.”

He pointed to his son-in-law and said, “as a husband, the most important person in your life should be your wife and vice versa.
It cannot be the kids. They are just products of the marriage.

If you learn to take care of each other very well, your kids will grow up healthy, happy and well-adjusted, but if you ignore each other, brace yourself up for dysfunctional kids in the future.

The two of you are the foundation of this family. If you suffer any crack, the whole house will go down. So please make time for yourself and treat each other as PRIORITY and the kids will be just fine.

This has been the secret of the fruitful union between your Mother and Myself for over 50 years till death took her from me.

The old man’s eyes welled up with tears at this stage.
He thanked the couple for their time and excused himself to his room.

If care is not taken, this magical connection gets weakened, thereby opening up a marriage to all sorts of strange elements and even divorce.

Let kids observe that your spouse means the world to you and if you are to choose between them and your spouse, it will always be your spouse.

Give the kids the love and attention they deserve but not at the cost of neglecting each other.

It is your marriage that will sustain your kids, not vice versa. The kids are just the bonus.

Dr. Nisreen Merchant
Psychotherapist

Talking Helps… Talking Heals

As a family it was chaos – WFH for the parents. Online School & Classes for the Kid. Sharing of the the gadgets since everything was now “digital” suddenly.

With a kid in the house, we parents worried about increased screen time. Lots of free time with very little options to keep the kid engaged creatively and also burn out the energy for a good night’s sleep.

I was worried about how she would be wasting her time while her friends did learning activities, attended online workshops, got creative and explored. There was peer pressure and then there was me putting pressure on her not to waste time, be constructive and don’t get lazy.

Finally the ice broke, the wife had a chat with me. I realised she is only a child. All that free time to gaze outside the window, play with her dolls, scribbles in her notebook were indeed ALL GOOD STUFF. Part of growing up. Part of letting her take control.

Things got a little easier. Schedules are now more fluid. Wife & I take turns, we fit in the activities to keep the mood upbeat and drive away the boredom. One of us participates in the online workshops along with her. We balance the share of academics & creative fun time so that there is no pressure.

Leaving you with this lovely Whats App forward shared by a friend.

Mission: Decide on the procurement of the next round of veggies & groceries. Who, What & Where are the critical factors.

Vegetables, grocery items and packaged goods continue to be in limited supply at the local stores.

Online deliveries from Bigbasket, Amazon & Grofers are zero. Either no stock, or delivery slots.

Each one of them is having their issues. Who do you blame?

The owner of the local grocery shop in our area lives 15kms away from his shop. In the absence of public transport & lack of vehicle ownership he has to make the journey most often on foot. As a result of this hardship he keeps the shop open by prior notice only on select days of the week.

Add to the personal commute challenge there is the struggle in getting regular supplies. Most of the wholesalers either don’t have stock or don’t have the capacity to deliver – no support staff to load & drive the vans.

Two of my staff members took an overnight bus and rushed to their village on Friday 20th March, the very day our Chief Minister announced a lock down in Maharashtra. Their parents worried for their safety in the big city and wanted them to be at home. Who can you blame?

Like this a large-scale exodus has happened from the major metros (which we have seen all over the news) where is the human resource to help complete the supply chain and last mile deliveries? Who can you blame?

So I think, before we start the blame game and point fingers at the government or trade associations or the e-commerce players (who have been blamed to hell) we must consider the human aspect.

Are these essential service providers being given the same respect as doctor? Ironic because in the current scenario even the doctors are being abused.

Who is responsible in ensuring the work force is out there? Can the government not only mandate but also ensure the smooth operation of the local grocery store? How does a large player like bigbasket fulfill orders in the absence of their runners? Who can be blamed?

Photo by Boris Dunand on Unsplash

The next few days we will spend time bonding with the family, reading, writing, binge watching. A lot of hidden talents will be discovered. Yes, some will also continue working.

Go deeper and some of us will introspect. Hunt the true meaning of life.

Some of the outcomes I can imagine:

The need to give up a compulsive job and take up a passion for a living.

Couples discovering new love. Making amends in their relationships. Or troubled marriages walking into divorces.

The discovery of a new hobby for many.

New Year like resolutions to start afresh when things are back to normal.

The promise to make more time for the family and also steal the “me time”.

What are you doing in this quarantine? What will you change once the lock down is over? Do share your thoughts in the comments below.

Some of us are working from home. Some partially working. Some lucky ones are off work.

We all can enjoy a break. So here’s list of interesting things I read / experienced in the last few weeks.

The Secret to Upgrading Your Entire Life [Link]

A fabulous article on how to approach life. This is one of those, which you read and say damn wish I could have started this a few years ago. Never too late. Start Now.

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex [Link]

One word answer: Intimacy. However you should go read this to understand the emotional needs of a man. Yes, we have emotions too.

The Power of Saying “YES” in Parenting [Link]

The kids are home. Read this article. Say Yes a little more in the next few days and see the new connection you are able to make with them.

Notion – The all-in-one workspace [Link]

If you know me a bit well, you would know my love for productivity tools. After a bit struggle with Evernote’s limitations and using Trello a few months, I recently made the switch to Notion. A few weeks in this is growing on me and I am going to stick around for a while.

Audible – Stories for the kids [Link]

One more for the parents. Audible has a selection of kids stories free which will keep the little listeners off the screen and glued to the speaker. My little one enjoys her stories on the Google Home, so this should be an interesting experience.

The next few days most of us will be spending time home. We’ve got work. However I am also planning to spend good time reading, do a bit of pending writing.

What are your self-quarantine plans?

Please share your finds or interesting reads in the comments area. Remember, sharing is caring.

Photo by Konstantin Dyadyun on Unsplash

As part of Flipkart’s Big Billion Day, the Google Home Mini was on a discount. Grabbed it. Spent some time with it and I think this is an interesting device which will get more useful as it gets more smarter. I am sure there is team at Google which is hard at work to make this happen.

So what am I doing with it:

• Routines. I have set routines for commands like Good Morning where it plays my morning music. Then there is the “toothbrush time” which is set to a 2 minute timer and is helping the daughter spend good time brushing & cleaning (hopefully!).
• Besides training Google Home, my daughter now sets a timer for her screen time. When Google says time up, the TV is switched off.
• Personal Assistant. I have connected my Gmail, Google Calendar & Todoist. So I can now “Add Task”, make Calendar entries all without having to type on the phone.
• All flight details, hotel reservations & restaurant bookings land up in Gmail. So the assistant can read some of it and tell you “What time is the flight? What time is the table booked?” I find this useful since some bookings are made way in advance and you tend to forget the exact details.
• Quick updates. There are somethings for which doing a search on the mobile is just too boring. Asking the assistant is much easier – “Whats the current USD rate?” bang comes the answer.
• For fun, daughter and I are often testing Google’s knowledge – so we ask her to tell us something new (did you know Kangaroos can jump across almost 26ft!!). My daughter even gets help on her spellings.
• I like Google for those small reminders – time to make a call, medicine time etc.

Next in line is getting some smart lights and connecting them to Google Home. Nothing like having the lights and music set just at your command.

Music reminds me. Google Home currently only allows you to call out the public playlists, so you can’t ask it to play “Kapil’s Lonely Soul” playlist, yet.

If they did enable this, I can think of some great Routines connected to my playlists.

Google Home in India, yet can’t make phone calls. This should also make things a lot more easier. I did try Google Duo calls but that too didn’t work. Maybe because I am on an iPhone.

Are you using one of these smart assistants? Share your recipe on how are you using it.

On my Instagram feed has been the now famous Joseph Radhik. Latest claim to fame – He is the one who shot the wedding of the year – Virat & Anushka.

Jospeh along with his team organised the PEPx and PEP Summit. I am new to this so I later found out this was second year. How I missed the buzz last year is something I am yet wondering.

Managed to get the early bird sign-up and I was registered for the 3 day talk session in Mumbai.

First impressions as I entered the venue – Not Happy. Setup was something like it was a small college event expecting a few handful of students to come and hear some fellow talk and ramble about why we should change the system.
There was not enough seating, this while the screen flashed that over 1000 people were attending PEP 2018 – How and where were they seated?
Of course those who paid the big money attended the PEPSummit, where I am guessing all the attendants had a seat to themselves.

Anyway, bypassing the shortcomings, I think some of the speakers were a delight and I am glad to have returned with a few tidbits not only for better photography but also about life in general.

Some of the key things I could grasp at the event (this among all the noise made by putting a SONY stall right at the speaker venue – VERY IRRITATING).

DON’T REPEAT SUCCESS

Anup Jkat says “Don’t repeat your success”. As a photographer if you think shooting the bride in a particular way was superb, GREAT. However the next time don’t just repeat it. Try something different, go for something new.
Make so much sense in life too. We get comfortable doing something because we have mastered it. Change is difficult because we will be challenged, move us out of our comfort zone. However it is not taking us any forward.

BEST IS YET TO COME

Photographer Dheeraj Paul opens his talk with a showcase and then says “I have not yet shot my best photograph and you too have not”.
Don’t sit on your success, there is more out there to achieve, more to capture. Keep moving because the best is yet to come.

PASSION vs. PROFESSION

Is photography your passion? Or your profession? Are you a professional with lot of passion? Lots of difference in there. Landscape Photographer Umesh says if you mix Passion and Profession – there is trouble. Passion “makes you rise” at 3AM to get that perfect light shot. Profession “demands” that you rise at 3AM. That’s where the difference is and determines your results.

RESPECT HARD WORK

Photography is a lot of work. Respect it. Don’t look down on someone just because the person is not using a fancy camera but uses their phone for photography. Respect the passion and effort to get the best from what they have at the moment. Every composition is an effort and that’s helping make progress.

LEARN PEOPLE SKILLS

You maybe very creative. You maybe an excellent photographer. If you want to make money on your skills, you need to be able to persuade / sell your talent. Develop people skills. Learn to be a better communicator. Learn to be a better listener. Learn to build a connect. That’s what will help you win assignments.

SPECIALIZATION IS GOOD BUT STAGNATING

Learn to wear many hats. Specialization is good but can at times limit your ability to grow & earn. Learn to be flexible and change with the times. If you are a wedding photographer and the wedding market is down, you need to be able to adapt yourself to a new role. You may have a rush of opportunities to do Food / Travel photography. You can either change or then suffer limited income from your current work.

I am not hungry. 3 minutes later the plate is wiped clean of any food in there.

I am not sleepy. 3 minutes later you are struggling to free yourself from their embrace.

I am not thirsty. 30 seconds after the lights are out – Papa I am very thirsty now.

Photo by Piron Guillaume on Unsplash

I am tired. 30 seconds later they are bringing the house down having super fun.

I don’t eat spicy food. 3 mins later they are asking for a second serving of “Chilly Paneer”.

I don’t like <insert best friend’s name>. She only fights with me. 3 mins later – “Papa can you check with <best friend> if she can come home and play with me.

I think I will take the colouring book for the ride. 3 mins on the road – Mamma I am bored when will we reach?

*Parents please note that time duration is variable from 3 seconds to 3 hours depending on your karma.

There is a complete science on how to make more of your readers open the e-mailers, engage with them and take some action.

This is not a blog for getting to learn all that. This is just to show you how sometimes, something simple will make you smile and appreciate the brand which put some creativity into their communication.

See this e-mailer sent by flipkart last week. Tell me it does not make you smile and does it not totally stand out from the clutter sent out by the e-commerce players.

Have you seen something interesting lately, send me a message on twitter @kapilb or leave me a comment here.

‘I gave zero time to my wife, no time to my children’

That’s about L&T chief Naik’s only regret as he gears up to cede control of the group.

Scary. Imagine giving 50 years of your life to a company. A relationship which will come to an end in another 2-3 years. Then what’s left for him? His family with whom he probably had spent such little time that it might be late to catch up and make memories.

We all need to work. Some of us are intelligent. Some are blessed. Some need to work very hard to make ends meet. For some money is easy. Whatever be the case, sacrificing family life for the passion of work, greed of money, sales targets has never made anyone happy. I don’t think it will unless you are one of the few heart-less souls on planet earth.

My kid is demanding at times. She needs us physically to be around her. She seeks our attention when we are reading or watching television. She asks us engage in activities so that she can spend more time with us. She demands that bedtime is not without a story session.

Tough day at work, you want to finish dinner and hit the bed. You want to read a few pages of your book or watch the latest episode of House of Cards before you doze off. Parenting is tough so you can’t make the choice and have to pick the latest princess story instead.

It may not be fun every night, but when you see the kid asleep after her short story session you realise the value of that 20 minutes and sometimes even 1 hour.

My wife puts it very beautifully:

This is the age when she demands time from us. Life will turn around and soon she will grow up. School, studies, friends, classes etc – then we will be the one seeking time from her.

Every morning we promise ourselves. More time for the little one. Let’s make the most. Let’s make memories while we still can.