Kathy's Blog

Being Who You Are

Kathy Underwood — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 11:00:00 GMT

“I am what I am. This is what I like to do. If you want to fit in with that you can come into my life. But don’t try to make me into something I am not” Lucian Freud

I was sent this quote from a friend of mine and I wanted to share it with you because I like the message that Mr. Freud is trying to convey. I admire his ability to be who he is and to not allow others to pull him off his path. How is he able to stay focused and not get pulled in other directions that don’t feel “right” to him?

Making decisions that are ‘right” for you require that you know yourself and that you actually know yourself well. This means to me that you are intimate with how you think, what your beliefs and values are, that you are keenly attuned to what makes you tick, you know what gives you joy and passion, and that you know what you love. To be able to say “I am who I am and I like that” takes knowing, understanding, and accepting yourself fully.

I think a key component to a good life is that we take the time to know, to understand, and accept yourselves. What if you made time to dwell upon your beliefs and values and thought about what makes up the essence of who you are? What if you defined you based on your own terms and accepted you for who you are? If you did this, would your life be different? Would you make different choices because of what you learned about yourself?

No one knows you better then you. Get to know you and what makes you tick. Remember, this is an archeology dig within you, not a comparison with others and not looking at what’s wrong but what’s right and good about you that you want to do more of. You are an amazing human being with gifts and talents; share them with yourself and others. The world is a better place when you do.

Getting to know yourself takes time, commitment, and practice. If you need support or guidance on this journey, feel free to contact me.

Photo: anitapatterson http://mrg.bz/O4iYMV

Your Life is Calling

Kathy Underwood — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 11:00:00 GMT

"My life is no brief candle-I want to be thoroughly used up when I die. I want to look back on my life and say, Well Lived-From the Heart.”

George Bernard Shaw

Many of us, have callings and yearnings that we are aware of. They tug at us, circle around us, push us but most of the time we don’t act on these yearnings. There are things that we want to do but don’t, passions and desires that we push away, and lists of intentions that get thrown away. We usually don’t act on our callings because it means we have to change something and change is often hard and can be really scary.

Yesterday, I spent the day with a high school friend. She confided in me that she has three things in her life that she wants and has wanted for a long time. We began talking about what she wanted and how these changes would enrich her life. What came up in our discussion where the underlying blocks that keeps her stuck. The biggest barrier to her changes, is fear. She gets trapped by all the “what if’s” and “I don’t know what to do’s.” It is easy to get stuck there and not be able to move forward. We looked at small steps she could take that feel manageable. I also reminded her that just because she makes a change does not mean she is stuck with it. I see change as making small adjustments with slowly letting go of old patterns that no longer work. Change comes in small steps usually not big ones unless you have prepared for a major shift. We parted her with a plan of action and me, excited to see my friend embark on her new journey.

What is calling you? What is your heart and gut nagging at you to do? Make a list and pick one intention that is driving you to move forward. Take one step. What is that step? Know what it is, so you can begin on your journey towards yourself and your desires. Your life is calling.

If you need support or guidance making changes and figuring out how to move forward in your life, feel free to contact me.

Photo:http://mrg.bz/i0TRi4

End Self-Sabotage

Kathy Underwood — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 10:00:00 GMT

Do you have a vision of your life but never seem to get there? Do you want a better job, better relationships, to feel better about yourself, or to start your own business but obstacles and events detour you from accomplishing your desires. It may be your self-sabotaging behaviors. You may think and believe one way consciously but have core beliefs that run unconsciously that sabotage your efforts and desires. Our unconscious beliefs are very powerful and often are the ones that are running the show.

So, what does that mean? It means that in order to change your life and stop your self-sabotaging behaviors you need to re-program your unconscious mind. Unconsciously, our resistance to change is great and even though we try new practices and routines we often go back to our old patterns.

Why is the unconscious so resistant to change? When we have core beliefs of shame, guilt, and self-loathing it often doesn’t matter what we do on the outside, if we don’t address the beliefs that we are not good enough or deserving of our desires. These core beliefs create a reality that supports our unworthiness and sense of undeserving so we end up not creating our desires. If this is true in order to make changes in your life, we need to change our core beliefs. Getting rid of the shame, guilt, and self-loathing is the desired goal. This is not an easy task and one that takes a commitment on your part.

Where to start:

First, become aware of your core beliefs and the self-sabotaging behaviors that are attached to them. Then, begin to think about yourself differently. You developed your core beliefs at a young age and now it is time to create new core beliefs that are in alignment with who you are. When you find yourself being critical, be willing to be different. Choose to be loving and realistic about yourself, not harsh and critical. You are programmed to tell yourself specific stories even though they are probably not true. Change your stories.

It’s time to start reprograming your unconscious core beliefs to create the life of your desires. This is hard work and usually less successful when done in isolation. Get the help and support you need to start living your life fully. Feel free to contact me with question or to set-up an appointment.

Photo: alba

Are there things in your life you want to say “NO MORE TO”?

Kathy Underwood — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 10:00:00 GMT

Are you doing things in your life that don’t feel good and suck the energy out of you? But you still find yourself doing them anyway. Are you out of integrity with who you are or making yourself feel awful and depressed because of your mind set or behaviors you continue to do? Old patterns and habits are hard to break. Many times we would like to be different and do things differently but don’t know what else to do. So we keep doing the same thing even when we know it’s not “right”.

What are you willing to say “No More to” and “Why not”? Make a list of the things you are going to say “No More to”. The first step towards being different is acknowledging that you want to make a change. Also, answer the question “Why not.” What you are asking yourself is what is the cost on your life if you continue this behavior. Let’s say, you want to stop procrastinating. What is the list of things you are going to start doing this week that you have put off for a long time? Write them down and next to the new behavior is the action step to moving forward. The “Why not” to procrastinating can be things like, I will feel better about myself, I will be happier, and I will be more fulfilled because this brings me joy.

Take time today or this weekend to make your list of “No mores” and “Why not’s”. Imagine and visualize your life without your limiting beliefs and blocks. It feels pretty good. Now, the work is to implement the Action steps that you have designed to create the life you want. Act on the new thought or belief by committing to the Action steps that you designed. Take small steps every minute and every day to break your old familiar patterns and habits.

Create a support system or get professional help that will allow you to create the life that has meaning for you. Remember, that we all need help and support and can’t figure out everything on our own. I know I can’t. If you have questions or would like to meet with me please feel free to contact me.

Photo: Jusben

What is your focus, Today?

Kathy Underwood — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 10:00:00 GMT

What we focus on grows. We all know that and have probably experienced having really good and bad days depending on what we are focusing on. When we wake in the morning and feel grumpy and tired it is likely that we will see the day through our negative filter, so we will probably have a tough day, tough evening, toss and turn at night and wake again and do it all over again the next day unless you win the lottery or change what you’re ruminating and stewing about.

Choosing what we focus on is one thing we have the power to change. I joined a new cycling team and I am aware of my own negative, critical thinking because I feel intimidated. I choose to feel this way so the good news is, I have the power to change my thinking. When I find myself being critical, I say to myself “Isn’t that interesting” I teach my clients to say the same thing because it breaks the thought cycle and allows something different to happen. I can then usually chuckle to myself and make the choice to think positively about a situation.

Take the first negative thought that comes up for you and be willing to say something different. Here’s what I do when that pesky, negative thought jumps in and dominates my thinking. I add to my internal dialogue positive, reality based comments. A negative thought that jumps in even though I don’t want it to, say’s “You are going to get dropped in the parking lot. Why are you even going?” Here is my response, “Maybe, but I love to ride and I will continue to get better.” It is not about making the negative thought go away but addressing the negative, critical voice and adding truthful, encouraging responses that allow you to keep going after what you want. My response is right for me because it makes me feel just a little bit better. Create responses that help you to feel a little bit better and a little bit better a step at a time, so that you keep going after the things that make you feel really good.

Step in now to change how you think, feel, and behave, a step at a time. We all need help, support, and guidance to make change and move forward in our lives. If you would like more information or want to set-up an appointment, feel free to contact me.

Photo: Seemann, http://mrg.bz/4bZVOP

Procrastinate; Who doesn’t?

Kathy Underwood — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 10:00:00 GMT

"Inaction brings doubt and fear. Action brings confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy”. Dale Carnegie

There may be some of you that don’t procrastinate but I know I do. It is almost September, the summer is winding down and there are some things that I wanted to do this summer that I kept putting off. I can give you all kinds of excuses, but the bottom line is I’m afraid. I have created a story about me and what I want that is coated in fear. I’m still going to do the things I wanted to do, I’m just going to start looking at the events on a different channel. We channel surf all the time when we can’t find what we want to watch on T.V., our computer, or phone, so let’s do the same with our mind. I like the idea of channel surfing because if the present channel is not serving me and my needs, I can reach for the remote and make a change. Easier said than done, right?

Let’s look at some things that might be getting in your way of moving forward. Often, we think we need to know it “All” before we move forward. The opposite is actually true. What if you trusted yourself with a decision because it feels good, it feels right, and you get excited thinking about moving forward with the activity you want, than it is most likely “perfect” for you. It also helps to take small steps and have a plan. The small steps help was to manage the “Agony Zone”. This is the zone where we feel paralyzed because we have taken on to much at one time and are in agony. I think we have all been there before. Create your plan with confidence building steps along the way. Know your end goal as well as the small steps to success.

Let’s say your company wants to put a team together to run a 5k for a good cause and you want to be on the team but you have not been running. The day of the race you are not going to lace up your running shoes and go run the race. To be successful, you will create a plan with an end goal that includes daily commitments to reach the desired outcome.

We are programmed to procrastinate because of our old patterns and conditioning. Recognize you potential and take the small steps to get there. Know that the fear is there and develop a plan that builds your self-confidence and self-acceptance.

Try this exercise for a week and see what you find out about yourself. Write Procrastination at the top of the page and below that the question, Am I? Carry it around with you and when you find yourself procrastinating, choose to stop putting off your life.

Recognize your potential. We all need help, support, and guidance to make change and move forward in our lives. Working with a professional that understand how personal change occurs can be very valuable. If you would like more information or want to set-up an appointment, feel free to contact me.

Photo: MUmLand http://mrg.bz/iZ5Xj6

If you had no obstacles in your way….

Kathy Underwood — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 22:00:00 GMT

What would your life be like?

What if you could snap your fingers and all your blocks, anxiety, and fears where no longer there? What would you be doing? How would you be feeling and in what direction would your life be going?

This is an exercise I do with my clients to help them become aware of what they want in their life and what is stopping them for achieving their dreams and goals.

Imagine yourself there for a moment. Hold that vision. What would be different about your life, if you no longer had obstacles in your way?

Having what you want does not have to be a fantasy. It can be a reality. What do you want to know and what needs to change in your life to get there?

That’s where I come in. To guide you, lead you, push you, and help you develop the skills and tools you need to start down that path.

To heal, to grow, and to make changes, we all need help, support, and guidance to succeed in our lives. Reach out and find your team. Do something today that starts you on that journey. Take one small step toward your new life.

Good luck on your journey.

Photo: Emlyn Addison

Surprise Yourself

Kathy Underwood — Wed, 20 Jul 2011 10:00:00 GMT

“One of the greatest discoveries a man makes, one of his greatest surprises, is to find he can do what he was afraid he couldn't” --Henry Ford

How many times have you accomplished something that you didn’t think you could? How many times have you surprised yourself but forgot to acknowledge your success? What if you took the time to see, to feel, and to think about your successes and your surprises? And to share them with others?

I surprised myself last weekend in my first triathlon of the season. I had a tough swim but with a lot of motivational self-talk, I finished above my expectations. A friend of mine needed to get her house painted and had never been through the process before. She surprised herself with a beautiful house and more self-confidence in the end. What have you done that you feel good about accomplishing that you didn’t think you could do?

Take the time to write down and share your accomplishments with others and even more important acknowledge your accomplishments to yourself, all of them. Sharing our successes can be hard to do because many of us don’t want to boost or brag. I am a firm believer that sharing your accomplishments helps builds self-confidence and self-esteem and it’s just fun to talk about your successes.

If fear and apprehension is getting in the way of you accomplishing your goals or surprising yourself, find a mentor or a professional to support you. Our life’s journey is not one we can do alone and are not meant to. If you would like to contact me, I would be happy to help you develop tools and strategies to move beyond your fears and blocks.

Photo: smswigart

The Power of Self-Acceptance

Kathy Underwood — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 10:00:00 GMT

“Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door”. Emily Dickinson

While we are each “born innocent” as Sarah MacLachlan sang in Adia, most of us experience times of self-rejection with critical internal dialogue. Since we learned how to reject ourselves, how do we learn to accept ourselves again?

I believe that happens by defining what acceptance means to us personally and how we can live in a state of self-acceptance. Living in self-acceptance to me means that I am able to love me and be kind to all parts of me. I fully embrace my hopes, fears, thought, and feelings as who I am. I accept my successes and failures, my achievements and errors. It means that I am curious and compassionate towards myself as I journey through my life with all my dents and scars. If there are things I want, I go get them. I am able to work through the obstacles that might get in my way to my life that I fill-up with my passions and desires. I trust me to make good decisions for myself and I am able to take risks that put me out of my comfort zone, knowing that I will be okay. I show-up in my world with lightness, love, and excitement for the things to come, ready and open to fully live from who I am. What does self-acceptance mean to you?

Once we fully accept ourselves we no longer need to live in secrecy. We no longer need to hide the parts of ourselves that we think are defective or broken. We all make mistakes, do stupid things, hurt other people and hurt ourselves, but remember we are just people, human being doing the best we can. You lose by hiding yourself. I lose because I don’t get to know who you are.

Be willing to live your life fully, your way. Be willing to live your live differently. Let go of what no longer works to make space for what you do want in your life. Be the great person you are and are meant to be. Find someone to help you along the way because most of us can’t do this journey alone. Find a therapist or mentor that will help discover who you are and what you want in your life. If you would like to contact me, I would be happy to support you to know who you are and what you want in this one precious life we live in.

Photo: Taliesin

The Effects of Stress on our Lives

Kathy Underwood — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 10:00:00 GMT

Some of the secret joys of living are not found by rushing from point A to point B, but by inventing some imaginary letters along the way. ~Douglas Pagels, These Are the Gifts I'd Like to Give to You

We all experience the constant pressure of living in our fast paced world. Presently, we are expected to do more with less support at work with more time commuting often earning less than we did in the past. The sum total is that there is less energy coming in and more going out. Sounds pretty stressful to me. Most of us know what stress is and can empathize with a friend when she states “I’m so stressed out.” We understand and can relate because most of us are stressed daily. We don’t feel like we have enough time to do all the things we are supposed to do and get done, so we are rushing from point A to B as Pagels states but we don’t know how to create the ease along the way to a less stressful life.

Stress is hard to define because stress affects each of us differently. What I think is stressful may not be to someone else. Hans Selye in 1936 defined stress as “the non-specific response of the body to any demand for change.” The only thing I know for sure about life is that there will be change. So how do we get better at dealing with all this change in our lives and in the world? While a certain amount of stress is expected and may help us reach higher goals we need to get better at adapting to change because according to the American Institute of Stress up to 90% of all health problems are related to stress. In Fact, chronic stress leads to anxiety, depression, sleep disorders, body aches and pains among other health disorders.

The impact of stress is the wear and tear on ourselves, mentally, physically, emotionally, and physiologically to everyday pressure and tension. This on-going pressure and tension is what causes the problems in all areas of our lives. I think an analogy might be a car. Take one of the hoses in your car that is under pressure. It will eventually wear out because of the constant tension. We have a lot “hoses” in our body so to speak and by placing them under constant pressure and tension they will “blow.” The chronic feeling of frustration, agitation, stress and strain, and the inability to manage the amount of stress in our lives leads to the breakdown of our bodies, physically, mentally, emotionally, and physiologically.

Stress is caused by our emotional reaction to events. Stress occurs when our perception of events doesn’t meet our expectations and we are unable to reconcile what we wanted and expected with what actually happened. Our thoughts and feelings have powerful effects on our bodies. Staying stuck in unhealthy emotions leads to health issues and a state of chronic stress. We cannot change many things that happen to us or the events that happen in the world, but we do have the power to choose to think and feel in productive ways. Rather than become indifferent to the world, let’s find ways to manage our stress with healthy responses.

Try these three steps to decrease you stress

Take a time out and breathe. We give kids and dogs time outs and we know it helps. Do the same thing for yourself. Allow yourself to breathe deeply. Consciously, take in some oxygen because when we are stressed we probably haven’t been truly breathing.
Evaluate the situation. Most of the time it is not a life and death situation. Try to slow down and breathe and you will be able to think more clearly.
Do something physical. Push-ups, stairs, or a fast walk around the block can re-set you physiologically. You have just exerted some energy that you have been holding inside. Move and breathe to re-set the situation.

A stressful life is an unhealthy life. Find ways to manage your stress in productive and healthy ways. By being in a state of constant stress you can be missing the joys of life. If you are concerned with the amount of stress in your life, you may want to work with a trained professional. If you would like to contact me, I would be happy to set-up an appointment to help you discover ways to decrease your stress.

Photo: anitapatterson

Enhance your life; Do something new for your self-confidence. Part 2

Kathy Underwood — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 10:00:00 GMT

In last week’s blog, I asked you to take a risk and do one new thing that you have wanted to do but have put off for all kinds of reasons. I’m wondering, were you successful in taking a risk? If you did follow through, good for you. If not, what stopped you from following through with your life-enhancing intention?

My new commitment was to swim in the open water. The first swim was at Beaver Lake. I didn’t know what to expect so I just showed-up. I swam with a friend and a few members of the VO2 Triathlon team . Some of the athletes that showed up are training for Coeur d’Alene Ironman and I thought “Oh my, going to get my butt kicked again” but I swam faster and farther then I thought I could based on the water temperature. My commitment to showing-up and participating allowed me to have more self-confidence and drive to do more, to get better. The water temperature doesn’t excite me, everything else does. I work to silence my negative self-talk about how cold the water is, get in the way of my goals. Here’s my life-enhancing self-talk, “I really enjoy swimming with my friends, I can’t wait to see how I swim today, and I heard these ice baths are supposed to be good for you.”

The risks I am asking you to take, I believe are the urges and desires that give us information and help us to get clarity about our lives. Those insights help us to stay on our path, to get clarity about who we are and what we want. Those things that nag at you, that keep coming up in your mind and that you are in internal conflict with are the urges and desires that your guidance system wants you to pay attention to. Your internal GPS keeps you course correcting onto your path, using your voice, and honoring yourself with what resonate for you. Spend time letting those urges and desires sink in. Don’t let your fear push them away. Get to know that voice, sit with it, and begin to cultivate your urges and desires. Following through with them will make your life much more rich and full.

My purpose is to assist people on their life’s journey in a way that is life-enhancing and purpose driven. If you would like assistance and guidance on your journey, feel free to contact me.

Photo; matthew_hull

Enhance your life; Do something new for your self-confidence

Kathy Underwood — Wed, 25 May 2011 10:00:00 GMT

Do something new today or this week that you have always wanted to do. It doesn’t have to be a huge thing, just something that feels good and connects you with yourself. Connecting with yourself and acknowledging things that make your bunny jump is what life is all about. When you connect with yourself and do things that feel life enhancing, you build self-confidence and self-acceptance.

The new thing that I am going to do this week is join a new group of swimmer that swim in open water. It has been easy for me to make excuses and not get out in the lakes and swim. I’ll say “it’s too cold, I don’t want to go swimming, or I don’t have anyone to go with.” These are all excuses that get in my way of reaching my goals and when I look back at my behavior, I would have liked to have made other choices. So, no time like the present. I’ll be in the open water tomorrow.

What is the one new thing that you are going to do that enhances your life and how you feel about yourself? Make a choice to do it and don’t let that voice inside your head talk you out of it. Let me know how it goes and if you you would like help creating a new life, you can contact me.

Photo; aconant

Your Inner Sunshine

Kathy Underwood — Mon, 23 May 2011 10:00:00 GMT

If you live in Seattle, last week was a glorious and sunny. I actually felt hot at times, and I can’t remember the last time in Seattle I felt that way. I love the sun: there is a certain lightness and energy that I have when I’m bathed in light and warmth. Now, I know not everyone feels that way but I do notice lightness in others as well. There seems to be more smiles and laughter on a sunny day in Seattle.

Since we can’t always have the sun shining or be in a place where the sun is out, how do we find our inner sunshine? I think of our inner sunshine as a place within ourselves where we hold our self-love, self-acceptance and our joy. When we are feeling good and accepting of how our life is at the moment, we usually feel lighter and less stressed by life’s demands. It is often difficult to maintain that inner sunshine with our stressful lives and the societal expectations that we live with on a day in and day out basis. What would change in your life if you were more in touch with that inner sunshine? I would like you to try two things to get in touch with your inner sunshine.

2 steps to your inner sunshine

Focus on what’s working and what’s going well.
Instead of having your focus be on what’s wrong, choose to focus on the positive. Be willing to see the positive even if it is small.
Focus on the things you like about yourself. List the things you like about yourself right now. See the good qualities and values about yourself and stop focusing on what you think is wrong. Suspend your judgment and focus on the list of qualities you like.

This week, be willing to focus on the positive qualities of yourself and your life. That doesn’t mean that you can’t make changes to things that you would like to change, it just means you may feel lighter and less stress. Find your inner sunshine and spend some time there. See what it feels like to be less negative about yourself and your life. Remember, that making changes in how we think and feel is hard work. If you need help making changes and finding your inner sunshine, you may want to work with a professional that can help you. If you would like to contact me, I would be happy to setup an appointment to help you with changes in your life you would like to make.

Photo: ariadna

Testing Ourselves to Build Self-Confidence

Kathy Underwood — Fri, 20 May 2011 10:00:00 GMT

The reprieve of the rain afforded me the opportunity to ride with the Luna Chix which is a recreational cycling group of women who are affiliated with the Breast Cancer Fund. These women cycle together while providing a place for women of all levels to train, support each other and create community. This ride was my only my fifth outside for two reasons, the rain and my hip replacement. I really enjoy riding with other people. We meet on Mercer Island and ride once around the Island and then head to wherever we’re going. This morning, we needed to wait for a while to re-group and make sure everyone was ready to go again. As much as I enjoyed riding with the group, I was chomping to keep going and test my legs. So I headed off on my own.

The great thing about Seattle is that when the sun is out so are all the cyclists. Heading out around the Island again, I met up with a woman on a racing team and she asked, “hey, do you want to ride together?” I said, “Thanks, but I don’t think I can keep up with you.” She said, “Jump on my wheel!” I did and I was able to hang-on for about 3 miles. My lungs where burning and I felt exhilarated. I knew I was not going to be able to stay with her around the island, but it was fun to test myself. When we push ourselves out of our comfort zone, we have to be willing to tolerate discomfort and the unknown. I really didn’t know what to expect when I jumped on the racer’s wheel. I just went with it and didn’t judge the outcome. I continued to push myself around the Island and felt good about the outcome. Taking risks builds self-confidence and more tolerance to risk more.

Test yourself. Be willing to be uncomfortable and let go of the outcome. If you don’t like the outcome you can always change it and not try something again that doesn’t work. Life is a process of tests. The more tests we take the richer our lives will be. Do something today or this week that you didn’t think you could do. It’s worth the try. What do you have to lose? If your level of self-esteem and self-confidence keep you from doing the things you want in your life, you may want to work with a trained professional. If you would like to contact me, I would be happy to setup an appointment and help you reach you goals.

photo: beglib

The Comparison Trap Eroding Your Self-Esteem

Kathy Underwood — Wed, 18 May 2011 10:00:00 GMT

“What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies within you.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’m sometimes surprised at how self-critical we have become. No matter our achievements, no matter the opportunity for appreciating ourselves for who we are, we gravitate toward negative self-appraisals. An example of this occurred the other day in my office. A client was sharing that she had just run her very first 5K. She has only been running for less than a year, and she is in her 50’s. My congratulations were waved away, and even when I asked for details about the race, she didn’t have anything positive to say about the event. Here’s what I heard. “I didn’t run fast enough,” “I let my friends down because they had to slow down,” and “I feel like a fool and don’t want anyone to know that I ran in that race.”

These are harsh appraisals for a first time runner, and yet it is a fairly common scenario where we compare ourselves to others and not acknowledge our own successes. Rather than being excited and celebrating her victory, this woman was spiraling into the all too seductive mire of self-criticism. Although it is somewhat natural to make comparisons because there is always someone more or less talented than we are, the comparison trap ensnares us into a negative vortex. Our thoughts multiply around what we didn’t do or accomplish, not what we did do and what we did accomplish because of the tendency to compare and judge. The vortex can hold a deep well of memories of past failures as well.

We often make unfair comparisons with someone else’s strengths. My client was making unfair comparisons about the runners who ran faster than she did. She was comparing herself against seasoned runners and everyone who ran faster than she did. She was forgetting that she is a new runner that just successfully finished her first race. Unfortunately, this type of comparison happens often, and it is harmful and undermines our self-esteem and self-confidence. You can see that in my client’s negative self-talk. She was feeling ashamed and judgmental about her performance. She was stuck in the comparison trap. Comparing ourselves to others is simply not useful. It serves only to let us down or give us a temporary ego boost. What’s the way out? Try these four steps to decrease your comparison habit.

4 Steps to Less Comparing

Compare yourself to yourself.
What matters is what you do and how you do, to your ability, not to someone else’s standard. My client will be able to celebrate her success when she is able to stop comparing herself and sees her accomplishment as the gift it is.
Accept your humanness and your gifts.
We are good at some things and not at others that’s what makes our lives so rich and diverse. Focus on your strengths and your gifts, not on your weaknesses and faults.
Don’t judge someone else’s strengths.
It is easy to see others as better than us when we see how talented someone is in comparison to ourselves. We will always be better or less than someone else. Celebrate everyone’s strengths as well as your own.
Do what you do because you love it.
Express yourself through the things that move you and bring you joy. Do them because they make you feel good not because you need to be better or less than someone else. My client likes to run. By comparing herself and not running she is giving up on the joys of life. Don’t stop because someone is better than you.

Comparing ourselves to others limits our life and impairs our self-esteem and self-confidence. It is a useless activity that does harm to us by seeing our weaknesses and faults instead of our strengths and gifts. Get out of the comparison trap and do activities that make you feel good without the self-critical eye. comparing yourself to others is a pattern that impairs your self-esteem and self-confidence, you may want to work with a trained professional. If you would like to contact me, I would be happy to setup an appointment and help you perform at your potential.

Photo credit: daniellito: morgueFile free photo

Having Fun for your Mental Health

Kathy Underwood — Mon, 16 May 2011 10:00:00 GMT

Doing something fun every day is good for our mental and physical health. Dr. Bernie Siegel believes that humor and laughter help to heal not only ourselves but the world. He has numerous books that validate how moving out of struggle and strife to self-acceptance and understanding allow us to find more enjoyment in a difficult world. If it is true that he has helped hundreds of his patients move from a life threating illness to self-induced healing through humor and laughter, why not us?

Can we help to heal our own lives? I think so. I think it is crucial that we find time in our day to celebrate through laughter and joy. What makes you laugh and smile? Do it, for your life and be willing to look foolish. It doesn’t matter what other people are doing, it only matters what you are doing. If you haven’t laughed in a while, allow yourself to, even if things are hard those hard things might feel lighter for a time.

Make a list of 5 things that make you laugh. We all have different things that make us laugh. It can be a book, your dog, your friend or anything that lightens you up. Have the list where you can see it. Then, do them every day. Laughter is contagious, it gets easier the more we do it.

Here’s to your health. Laugh away and let me know how it goes.

Sometimes people find it helpful to talk with a trained therapist. If you are in the Seattle area feel free to contact me.

Photo credit: Vicci

The Anxiety Struggle

Kathy Underwood — Fri, 06 May 2011 11:00:00 GMT

Imagine a basketball game in the heat of a play, a player is fouled and goes to the free throw line for two shots. The player, a seasoned athlete, stands at the line and throws the ball, which bounces on the rim and falls to the side. The next throw, the player bounces the ball feverishly before making the shot. This time, the ball sails through the air bouncing off the backboard into another player’s waiting hands. Fans yell, “Air ball!” The player shakes her head, looks over to the coach, and begins the lonely run to mid-court.

This scene is all too familiar in sporting events. We say that the player “choked,” and many of us can appreciate the difficulty in performing at the height of competition. However, choking isn’t limited to the sports arena; most of us are put to a test every day. Performance anxiety affects not just athletes, actors, musicians, and speakers, all of us are required to meet expectations in our jobs, at home, at school, and out in the world. This anxiety can manifest regardless of our age, IQ, gender, where we live and who we are.

Performance anxiety is a “fight or flight” reaction to carrying out an activity in a public setting. Symptoms associated with performance anxiety are feeling shaky, clammy and sweaty, the heart may be racing, and our thinking is usually impaired with feelings of apprehension or dread. Most likely, we just want to run away. It is not just the physical symptoms that impair our performance, it is also the thoughts we are thinking. When anxious, our thoughts are mostly negative and judgmental. We may be hearing the internal dialogue beginning with “I’m going to fail, I’m so stupid” or “Who do I think I am? I can’t do this.” Performance anxiety interferes with our self-esteem and self-worth causing widespread difficulties with our confidence.

Anxiety becomes a self-fulfilling fear because of the thoughts we are focused on. When we are anxious, we focus on everything that will go wrong and what’s wrong with ourselves. The judgmental self-talk becomes a negative feedback loop that gets played over and over in our mind. Here’s how our thought processes lead us to under function and to make mistakes even when we are capable of performing at a higher level. Let’s say you are making a presentation in two hours and you are feeling anxious, your heart is racing, your thoughts are fuzzy and your legs feel weak. You are feeling a sense of doom and you feel like fleeing. In actuality, these symptoms cause more self-consciousness and decrease the ability to perform at our capacity. You begin your presentation, shaking and unable to remember where to start. This causes more anxiety which then causes more self-consciousness leading to decreased performance. I think you get the picture of how our thoughts impair performance. This is a hard cycle to shut off because in our attempt to be better, we become self-critical and self-judgmental instead of self-accepting and eager. Let’s look at some ways that you can learn to break this vicious cycle.

5 Rules to Improved Performance

Turn off the internal critic.
The negative self-talk is useless and sabotages your performance. Create a new script that is self-enhancing and focuses on what’s “right”.
Visualize your success.
Bring all your senses into play. See it, feel it, smell it and create the vision of yourself performing from a positive, productive, and powerful stance.
Don’t judge what is happening around you.
Don’t see the yawn, the bored look, or the texting as something about you. You don’t know what people are thinking, so don’t tell yourself stories that are not true.
Remember your purpose.
Your purpose is to not criticize and critique yourself but to share your gift. Re-set your dial to the giving channel. Ask yourself the question, “What am I sharing with my audience that feels good?”
Slow down and have fun.
Take deep breaths and be in the “here and now”. Doing these two things will help you to stay focused and purpose driven.

I cannot emphasize enough that this change in thinking and behavior takes practice, practice, practice. This is the mental training necessary to perform at your potential. It is challenging and risky because I am asking you to think and feel differently about yourself. I think you are worth it. What do have to lose? Feeling “bad” about yourself? I hope that is a loss you are willing to make. If improving your performance is something you would like to work on but don’t know where to start, you may want to work with a trained professional. If you would like to contact me, I would be happy to set up an appointment and help you perform at your potential.

Photo Credit: Tommy Gilligan

Self-fulfillment through self-acceptance

Kathy Underwood — Wed, 04 May 2011 11:00:00 GMT

Life is full of many elements that we often identify as “fulfilling.” We frequently identify fulfillment through the things we do, the people we know and the things we possess. We say that our work is fulfilling, our relationships feed us, our pastimes excite us, our material possessions comfort us, etc. In actuality, however, self-fulfillment comes from within, and not from the external world. I want to talk about self-acceptance as a foundation for true fulfillment. By self-acceptance, I mean the capacity to embrace all aspects of our humanness; it is the ability to see our strengths and weaknesses, gifts and deficiencies, as well as our successes and failures from a non-judgmental viewpoint. Self-acceptance is also an unconditional recognition in the present, the here and now that we are “Okay,” and that we do not have to be “fixed,” that we are not flawed and broken. Self-acceptance differs from self-esteem in that self-esteem looks at how we value and see our worthiness. Self-esteem is the opinion you have of yourself, truly yourself and not in comparison to others. In order to improve self-esteem, and self-fulfillment, we need to fully accept and honor our unique traits, characteristics, and intrinsic qualities.

Our capacity to accept ourselves comes from our caretakers and our environment at an early age. Research has shown that our sense of self is not fully developed until we reach eight years old. In a family systems theory, this means that everything we learned and begin to understand about ourselves comes from our family, relatives, peers, and teachers. Most everything in the environment that we grew up in also impacts how we thought and felt about ourselves at this early age. If our environment in our developing years was critical, we learned to be more critical of ourselves. If the messages we received were negative and judgmental, we were not able to develop a positive regard for ourselves and in our adult lives we will have the tendency to rate ourselves against others and judge ourselves based on our performance, behaviors, and our traits – usually all within a critical, negative framework. The critical voice we heard becomes our current voice and we are not able to separate who we are as a human being from how we perform in our world. Our sense of self is conditional to our behavior. When things are going well, we can feel “okay,” but when life is throwing us curve balls, the critical voice starts to “beat us up.” The internal echo repeats “I’m not good enough, I’m not smart enough,” and as a result, self-doubt comes flooding in.

To begin changing the critical “I” to a self-accepting “I,” we need to challenge our previous ways of thinking. Are you willing to move into a place of self-understanding and self- acceptance? Are you willing to acknowledge your strengths, weaknesses, beliefs, and motivations from a non-judgmental perspective? My hope is that you say “Yes” because the alternative is to continue to feel “bad” about yourself and rate and judge yourself harshly when that pattern no longer serves you or those around you. If we learned to be self-critical, we can also unlearn those patterns by developing a new way of thinking and feeling about ourselves. Here are three things you can begin to do differently to build your self-acceptance.

3 Keys to Self-Acceptance

Invest time in getting to know you. Get acquainted with your likes and dislikes, traits, characteristics and the things that make you feel good and those that don’t. Remember, this is not a rating exercise, so stay curious and non-judgmental about you. Self-awareness is a key to self-acceptance.
Stop comparing yourself with others. There will always be people who are better than us or less successful at something than we are. Self-acceptance is about accepting the qualities and attribute that make you unique and being “Okay” with all of you.
Learn to separate your humanness from your behaviors, traits, and performance. We all make mistakes, I know I do but that does not make me a “bad” person, it simply means I’m human and make mistakes. Be more realistic and accepting of who you are by acknowledging your strengths and gifts not, your so called flaws.

This work can be very emotional and challenging because what I am asking you to do is work on your mental fitness which we don’t do much of. I’m asking you to begin to think and feel more accepting and compassionate towards yourself. These can be hard activities to engage in because you may have had negative self-judgment for a long time. We all need support and guidance to change and grow. If self-acceptance is something you would like to work on but don’t know where to start you may want to work with a trained professional. If you would like to contact me, I would be happy to setup an appointment and help you achieve the inner glow of self-acceptance.

Photo Credit: Hot Black: morgueFile free photo

Am I listening? 5 Steps to Improve Listening Skills

Kathy Underwood — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 10:00:00 GMT

I spent the weekend with family who live in Oregon. The weekend get-together revolved around a wedding reception for my youngest niece and her new husband. As the reception got underway, I observed the conversations and interactions begin to build with laughter and conviviality. Saturday afternoon was a time of celebration of this young couple, and the large group of people were comprised of both family members and friends. Most of the people I’ve known for years, and I found myself engaging in the same old ways and talking with the same family members. As I was enjoying the lovely buffet, I saw some people I didn’t know and decided to introduce myself and learn how they knew the couple. These conversations demanded more of me as a participant in both listening and speaking. As the reception was winding down, I continued conversing and yet I found my thoughts wondering off. I checked in with myself and realized that I was getting tired. Real, active listening takes effort to do effectively. Towards the end of the reception I have to admit that I was only passively listening.

Listening is often difficult because we express ourselves differently, have different needs and wants, have different levels of communication skills, and we have different purposes for interacting. I have had clients say to me, “tell me what to say.” That’s not something I can do. What I can do is help my clients learn how to actively listen in difficult conversations and then respond from a place of understanding. Active listening involves not just hearing the words that are being spoken but listening to the message the speaker is trying to convey. When we actively listen we also have a better understanding of what the person is thinking and feeling from their perspective. Actively listening involves the willingness to step into the other person’s shoes without feeling like you have to give up your thoughts and beliefs. Our inability to actively listen leads to failure in relationships both personal and professional. To hear and better understand a person’s point of view, try these steps.

5 Steps to Improve Listening Skills

Make eye contact and have open body language. This shows the speaker that you are interested in what is being shared.
Don’t immediately problem solve. It is easier to do this but does not allow for more thoughts and feeling to be expressed. We often exclude important information when we jump to problem solving.
Ask clarifying questions. Be curious and seek to fully understand what the speaker’s point of view is.
Be non-judgmental and accepting. Just because someone has a different point of view does not mean that we have to adopt it. Keep your own beliefs and be open minded to something different.
Listen with the goal of understanding and connection. The greatest gift is when we feel heard and understood. We all want this, so give it as well.

Try these steps to remove the barriers to better understand and connect with the person you are communicating with. Active listening skills build relationships, resolve conflicts, and creates an environment where everyone can feel heard and respected.

If you or someone you know is struggling to communicate both personally and professionally, you may want to work with a trained therapist. If you live in the Seattle area and would like to contact me, I would be happy to set up an appointment.

What is your Focus? Five Positive Thinking Tips

Kathy Underwood — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 11:00:00 GMT

It is easy to be distracted by what is going on around us. Is your mind filled with chatter and on overdrive? The news, our lives, work demands, caring for all the things we have and don’t have, it can feel like we need to pay attention to it all so it doesn’t come crashing down. Most of us know this feeling. When our mind is in a monkey-mind state we are not able to think clearly, we are less productive, and we are over-thinking and overwhelmed. Monkey-mind is what I call the process where catastrophic negative thinking happens. It is the negative looping cycle where your negative self-talk is in command of making you feel bad about yourself and where you can become paralyzed by your overwhelming thoughts. You are unable to move forward and be productive because of the negative self-talk in your own mind.

Just like athletes who build physical stamina through training, you can build mental endurance and stamina by learning new positive self-talk skills that will help you move through the tendency to stop and get stuck in monkey-mind.

Tips to improving your Focus

Make a deal with your thoughts:
If you are worried about something that you can’t get off your mind make a deal to put it aside for the time being. If you are at work and you are in monkey-mind tell yourself that when you are done with work you will come back and address the worry. It doesn’t work to say don’t think about it. It works better to put structure to your thoughts.
Think about one thing at a time:
Working and worrying, like swimming and worrying, really don’t work. Whatever activity you are engaged in, make that your focus. If you are working, focus on the task and if you are swimming, focus on your form or your stroke.
Narrow your vision:
There is activity and stimulation all around us. Learning to decrease the amount of stimulation you absorb will help your focus. Put your hands around your eyes and put everything outside of your field of vision out of your mind.
Be in the Here and Now:
If your monkey-mind is in the future or past, come back into the present. By making a deal with your thoughts, thinking about one thing at a time, and by narrowing your vision you are more likely to be in the Here and Now with better focus.
Cut yourself some slack:
If none of the four tips work to improve your focus, try to relax, take a deep breath, and laugh or cry. One of the things I love about life is that we continually get to start over. Hit the reset button and see the situation with fresh eyes. We get to start new every morning and we can also start new throughout the day.

Just like the athlete who is training daily to improve physically, be willing to train your mind daily and you will see improvements as well. Practicing positive self-talk activities will help you to build new muscle memory. If you feel like this is not something you can do on your own and you are overwhelmed by your negative self-talk, get some help and support. Please read my previous blog on finding a therapist. You may also connect me to set up an appointment.

Photo Credit: Darnok, morgueFile free photo

Living Fully by Visualizing Your Goals

Kathy Underwood — Mon, 25 Apr 2011 11:00:00 GMT

“Do one thing every day that scares you” Eleanor Roosevelt

What if you did all the things in your life that you crave to do? No matter how much fear you are feeling. What would your life look like? What would you be doing? Really get into this state of mind and imagine how it would feel, what you would smell, and what you would hear? Yes, I am asking you to visualize. Visualization is a powerful technique to help you begin to see yourself doing new activities while thinking positively about the outcome. By improving your self-image you are more likely to reach your goals. Here is an example of how visualization can help. Let’s say you want to learn to Tango but think that you are a klutz and no one will want to dance with you. By visualizing yourself dancing effortlessly with different partners you begin to change your self-image and increase the likelihood that you will sign-up for the dance class.

Today, when I read Eleanor Roosevelt’s quote I thought of Madonna. Do you remember in the 80’s when she was at the top of her game. She was both adored and despised by the public. Now, I don’t know Madonna but I can only think that she did many things over and over again that scared her, maybe even terrified her. Instead of giving into her fears, she pursued her dreams. Most of us are not the Madonna’s of the world but our dreams are no less important and by visualizing what we desire we are more likely to reach those goals.

3 steps to visualization:

Relax your mind and your body:
Take a deep breath and relax all the muscles in your body. Find ways that help you relax. This might be soothing music or a hot bath. Calming your mind and body allows you to think and feel differently by decreasing anxiety and agitation.
Turn off the negative self-talk:
For 10-15 minutes learn to turn off the mind chatter.
Imagine a positive outcome:
See, feel, taste, smell, and imagine the outcome you desire. Have fun with the visions and build your new self-image.

Be willing to see yourself trying new activities with a positive outcome. Life will be more enjoyable and you will be living purposefully. Visualization takes practice so spend time each day visualizing. Try this for 30 days and do one thing every day that scares you.

If you or someone you know is having trouble with a negative self-image you may want to work with a trained therapist. Please read my previous blog on finding a therapist. If you live in Seattle and would like to contact me I would be happy to set up an appointment.

Photo credit: Clarita, morgueFile free photo

Do you know who you are? Do you know your core beliefs?

Kathy Underwood — Fri, 22 Apr 2011 11:00:00 GMT

Many of us have probably done this exercise at some time in our lives. Maybe you did this in school or at work, or maybe you have never made a list of who you think you are. What are your core beliefs about yourself? This is actually a hard list to make because we have to stop, look within ourselves and acknowledge who we are. It can also be a little confusing because it is not a list of your strengths and weaknesses, or how much money you make and what you have; it is an inventory of your beliefs and values. It is also not an emotional reaction to a belief. Let’s say you have to give a presentation at work and you are feeling a lot of fear and anxiety. Just because you have these fearful emotions does not mean that you are not good at what you do or that there is something wrong with you, it means that you are fearful of public speaking.

Core beliefs are how we see ourselves, other people, and the world.

These beliefs are how we make decisions about what we want and need in our lives. If you believe you are loveable, you will most likely act in ways that display that belief. On the other hand, if you believe that you are worthless, you will act in ways that reinforce your worthlessness. Our core beliefs are learned at a young age and are molded by what we see and what we are told. Since our beliefs are learned, they can be changed.

When your core beliefs are favorable and include statements like; “I like me”, “I love me”, I like my sense of humor”, and “I am a good writer” you are more likely to feel good about yourself and have an enjoyable life. When your beliefs are negative and pessimistic and include; “I’m ugly”,” I can’t do anything right”, and “I am unlovable” you will most likely feel bad about yourself and not be able to enjoy your life.

So, do you know who you are?

It is an important question that can lead to insight about why you do what you do and what limiting beliefs you may need to change. Take the time to create your list of core beliefs. Start with five beliefs and add to the list as you reflect and contemplate about who you are. I didn’t say that this exercise was easy but I know my top five core beliefs. Do you know yours? If most of what comes up feels difficult and overwhelming you might want to think about getting some guidance and support. Talk to a trusted friend or visit a trained therapist. If you have never visited a therapist you may want to read my previous blog on finding a therapist. If you live in Seattle and would like to contact me I would be happy to set up an appointment.

Photo Credit: Charmaineswart, morgueFile free photo

Changing My Mind with Positive Self Talk

Kathy Underwood — Wed, 20 Apr 2011 10:00:00 GMT

It’s 6:30 a.m. Monday morning and I am out the door to swim practice. It is my sixth practice with the Seattle University Master’s swim team. It’s cold and raining and my self-talk is less than optimal. I am feeling the strain of the workout both physically and emotionally as I walk to my car. I have been swimming for about three years and have taken two sets of lessons and I have not swum for about 9 months due to an injury. I made a decision to swim with this team because they are swimmers and I would like to see myself in that category. I mostly swim because I compete as a triathlete and swimming is part of the package.

My goal this year is to be faster. Be a faster swimmer, cyclist, and runner. That being said, I need to swim with people who are better than me. As I walk to my car, I hear myself say “this is too hard”, “what am I doing”. I put my head down and keep moving forward. Funny thing is I can’t even turn on the radio to hear a different voice, my car was broken into and the stereo was stolen last week. So it is just me with my own voices. I take a deep breath and let the car warm up for a moment and head out. This is the hard part of doing new things that challenge us physically, mentally, and emotionally. Just doing it, to keep going even when you want to quit. I don’t think most of us are quitters; we just let too many things get in the way. The biggest things getting in my way are my negative self-talk and the expectations that I have for myself. Here are 3 things we can all do when confronting challenges.

3 things to do to support positive change in yourself

Manage your self-talk:
Be encouraging. Here is what I said to myself on the way to the pool. “I’m looking forward to seeing the other swimmers and I will be just fine. Let’s see what I can do today”. I could feel myself relax and smile.
Be realistic:
Keep things in perspective. Here’s how I thought about being realistic. It is day 6 with my new swim team and I will continue to get better. I thought about how much better, in a few weeks from now, I will be swimming because I will keep coming to practice. I smiled even more.
Have fun:
Enjoy what you are doing. I enjoy being active. Once I put my cap and goggles on I was ready to go. I choose to be in the present moment and connect with the other swimmers as well as see what I can do today not what everybody else is doing.

When attempting new things, which we all do almost daily, be gentle, be encouraging. Manage your self-talk because it is not other people stopping you, it is yourself. Create positive self-talk while being realistic about your abilities as you get better. Practice is crucial for change, whether that change is physical, mental, or emotional. Get the support you need to live your life passionately.

If you or someone you know is having trouble maintaining a positive attitude you may want to work with a trained therapist. Please read my previous blog on finding a therapist. If you live in Seattle and would like to contact me I would be happy to set up an appointment.

Photo Credit: DT Creations, morgueFile free photo

Celebrate Your Strengths with Positive Affirmations

Kathy Underwood — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 10:00:00 GMT

“Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognize that it [is] he who is asked.” – Viktor Frankl

How many of you think about or could rattle off 5 of your strengths or 5 things you like about yourself? I don’t think many of us can but we can say 5 things that are wrong with ourselves pretty quickly. Why is that? Is that from the media, old programming, family of origin, or our culture? It’s from all of these things because we learn from our environment, our experiences, what we were told as children and how other people behave. If we didn’t grow up where others have acknowledged our strengths and gifts or saw others model that behavior, we are less likely to feel comfortable recognizing or sharing our strengths and gifts.

You’ve been spending years developing your list of negative qualities so it is easy to bring them up at any given moment. Dwelling on your weaknesses is a waste of time and does not support your capacity to have a rich and full life. Why not dwell on what is right and good about yourself? I know this: nothing bad will happen and you might find yourself doing things you wouldn’t or couldn’t do before because of your negative self-talk.

Here are 3 ways to acknowledge your positive qualities.

Daily affirmations:
Every day write 2 to 3 qualities that you like about yourself and keep a running list of positive qualities. This is a one sentence affirming statement that I would like you to say out loud. Here is an example: I have a good sense of humor and am a good friend.
Reminder signs:
These are signs placed in locations that you will see every day that acknowledge one or two of your strengths. They can be placed on the bathroom mirror, computer screen, refrigerator or any other place that is significant to you. What would be an affirming statement that you would like to see on your bathroom mirror?
Remembering your past accomplishments:
If one of the qualities that you like about yourself is that you are a good friend, remember the times that you acted like a good friend. Play the event over in your mind to reinforce your strengths.

Remember that the old negative self-talk is familiar and an ingrained pattern so it will take practice to hear your positive, affirming voice. Try this for a week and see what happens. It will take longer than a week to change your patterns but this is a start. You might need help and support to develop a new powerful, positive affirming voice that acknowledges your strengths and gifts. Ask a friend or loved one for help. You are worth it. Most of us can see the good in others but not ourselves. See the good in yourself and see what happens. Tell us your ideas for acknowledging your positive qualities in the comment section below.

If you or someone you know has trouble acknowledging their positive qualities you may want to work with a trained therapist who can help you be more positive. Please read my previous blog on finding a therapist. If you live in Seattle and would like to contact me I would be happy to set up an appointment.

Photo Credit: Kakisky, morgueFile free photo

5 Steps to Reducing Anxiety

Kathy Underwood — Fri, 15 Apr 2011 10:00:00 GMT

All of us feel anxiety from time to time. We feel anxious when we need to give a presentation at the office or when we are on a blind date. We may feel anxious when we read about disasters such as the recent earthquake and tsunami in Japan. In a previous blog I talked about my personal experiences in managing anxiety. It is important to understand that some anxiety is appropriate and can be used to motivate us. Anxiety prompts you to check the spelling on your PowerPoint one more time before your presentation or to brush your teeth before your date. It is when anxiety becomes an everyday feeling that change needs to occur. Today, we live in a world that has constant pressures and demands. We feel the need to meet these expectations. We feel pressure to do our best to do more than our best. Trying to be a superwoman or superman leads to feeling anxious and overwhelmed. The dictionary defines anxiety as distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune. Anxiety is created by what we imagine will happen to us today or in the future. We are afraid that the boss will not be impressed with the presentation or that our blind date will be a disaster. Problems arise when we experience fear and anxiety every day: Is my job secure? Will my partner leave me? What will happen when the “Big One” hits?

Signs of Anxiety

Anxiety is debilitating because it affects us psychologically, physically, and behaviorally all at the same time. It affects what you think, how you feel in your body, and what you choose to do. For example if you’re anxious about giving a presentation to your boss you may be thinking, “I’m going to look like a fool, I’m not ready. This will affect my promotion.” You will have self-doubts and convince yourself that you cannot give the presentation. There are many physical signs and these will be different for each person. Your heart might be racing, you might not be able to think clearly, your stomach may be in knots, your shoulders tense, your throat may be dry, your head aching and you may be sweating. You may behave differently. You might feel so paralyzed you stay in your office and don’t talk to anyone or you may get angry and lash out at others. When you behave differently at work or with friends you draw more attention to yourself and your fears and anxiety.

Reduce Anxiety

By addressing all three of these areas, psychological, physical and behavioral, you can learn to manage and reduce anxiety. By learning how to take control of your self-talk, reduce your physiological activity, and reduce avoidance behavior you will be and feel more successful.

Follow these five steps to help manage and reduce anxiety:

Learn to relax your body and mind
As soon as you start feeling physical signs of anxiety take steps to relax and reduce stress. Go to a quiet place, listen to relaxing music, meditate, stretch or take a walk to reduce stress.
Slow down
Take a break and take a deep breath. Stop what you are doing or change your pace.
Control your self-talk
Recognize your self-defeating talk and take active measures to counter the negative feelings.
Focus on the present moment
Don’t think about what may happen in the future, think about what is happening right now.
Get support
Find someone that you trust who can help you through your bouts of stress and anxiety or work with a trusted counselor or therapist who can help you develop effective strategies to overcome anxiety.

You don’t have to give into your anxiety and you can learn new ways to cope and change your behaviors. It takes time and practice to learn new coping skills. Give yourself the time and attention you need to have less anxiety in your life.

If you or someone you know deals with stress and anxiety on a daily basis you may want to work with a trained therapist who can help you develop ways to manage anxiety. Please read my previous blog on finding a therapist. If you live in Seattle and would like to contact me I would be happy to set up an appointment.

Photo Credit: kconnors, morgueFile Free photo