[Verse]
If I were a girl,
Even just for a day,
I’d wake up so damn early
And take 3 hours to get prepared then go
Have lunch wit the girls
And gossip like hell
I’d talk about my makeup kit
And I’d never get bored talking ’bout it
Cause they’d love what I said

[Chorus]
If I were a girl
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a man
I swear I’d be a better girl.
I’d let him drink beer
Cause I know he loves it
When he’s busy watching football
Cause he loves his team so damn much
And Man United won the league again

[Verse]
If I were a girl
I would stop nagging him
Tell everyone I love him
So they’d be jealous of me all the time
I’d plan his birthday
And give him a power drill
Cause I know all guys love it
Even if they dunno how to use them at all

[Chorus]
If I were a girl
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a man
I swear I’d be a better girl.
I’d let him drink beer
Cause I know he loves it
When he’s busy watching football
Cause he loves his team so damn much
And Man United won the league again

[Bridge]
It’s a little too late for you to cook dinner
Say it’s just a mistake
Think I’d forgive you like that
If you thought I hate McDonald’s
You thought wrong

[Chorus 2]
But you’re just a girl
You don’t understand
How it feels to love a boy someday
You wish you were a better woman
You nag all the while
Asking “Does my butt look big?”
Until you get a beer belly
Cause you drink a shitload of beer
And your fuckin’ diet got destroyed
But you’re just a girl…

-END-

Coming soon: If I Were A PM

***only if i have the mood***

Johnny Inggebish had gone through a lot in his life. He had been a great champion of rights for his people. They adored him, or at least provided him the illusion that they adored him. Fuck that. It had taken a lot outta him to be here, at this place. A few more years, a decade at most, and he’ll be the one looking down at all the others. All those years of hard work; all those years of snaking his way in and out, is now under threat of going to waste. All because of a set of documents presented to him in a language he is unable to read in. And the people were demanding for an immediate answer. By not being able to comprehend the report, he’d look like a total idiot.

Beads of sweat formed on Johnny Inggebish’s forehead. How is he going to get out of this pickle? This isn’t some issue that he could throw a smokescreen and make a dash for it. His name is stapled to the issue now since he’s the man-in-charge for this whole agenda. There’s only one thing for him to do now. The report’s findings shall not come out, whichever side it favours. And he’s got the perfect plan.

Johnny Inggebish buzzed his secretary and told her to put forward a request to his boss. He needed all the warlords to agree to this. There’s no other way. He then waited. He knew the big kahuna wouldn’t dare waste time on this matter. Something important for the whole team was coming up, and they need a good leverage. This would be it.

The call came soon enough. The meeting was scheduled tomorrow. Johnny Inggebish sneered. Enough time to prepare his whopper. He slept soundly that night, even managing to enjoy some Dom Perignon before victory was even proclaimed. The man had enough cheek to act so confidently.

The next day

Johnny Inggebish looked at the assembly around him. Time to start the propaganda, he thought to himself. He lifted the documents that were given to him yesterday. He cursed the foreign language. He told his comrades about how foreigners are still burrowing into the country’s young minds and trying to colonize them with television and T-shirts and cars and most importantly, their language. This foreign language must be killed off instantly. He drilled into their heads regarding scientific terms and mathematical equations being the mind-control mechanism of the foreign invaders.

Johnny Inggebish smiled to himself. He thought to himself about how stupid his “comrades” are. They didn’t know that he doesn’t know how to read the foreign language. That was his plan. He needed to demonize all foreign languages so that his shortcomings would be excused. They failed to see that it wasn’t about national integrity or unity or any of those off-key issues. It was about him. Him alone. Johnny Inggebish’s plan was, if he couldn’t understand the language, then no one else would. And since his plan to get to the top would only come into fruition ina decade or so, he needed the younger generation to be as oblivious as he is now. It is much easier to rule ignoramuses, he thought. Nowadays, EVERYTHING is political.

Johnny Inggebish looked up. He then spoke in his native language.

“Saya menyarankan agar PPSMI dimansuhkan dan kita kembali kepada pembelajaran dalam Bahasa Melayu. Anda setuju atau tidak, sidang kabinet?“

“SETUJUUUUU!!!!!“, came the deafening approval.

In a small town on the east coast of Malaysia, holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business happening. Everyone is heavily in debt.

Luckily, a rich Datuk in the foyer of a small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts RM 200 on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.

The hotel owner takes the money in a hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes RM 200.

The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay his debt.

The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay RM 200 for the beef he purchased some time ago.

The farmer triumphantly gives the RM 200 note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit.

The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she owed the hotel for her hourly room used to entertain clients.

At that moment, the rich Datok comes down to the reception and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his RM 200 back and departs.

There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has any debt and the townspeople look optimistically to the future.

COULD THIS BE THE SOLUTION TO THE Global Financial Crisis? Isnt this pretty much what the billions of dollars in stimulus money is doing to the US market? Or, is there a catch somewhere?

After 7 months of saving up enough cash, I finally took the plunge and got me a Nikon D5000, an upgrade from the initial D60 that I had in mind. I have been around friends who own DSLRs for about a year now, and it’s hard to deny that the excitement and enthusiasm they exude in photography had certainly rubbed on me. They were kind enough to let me use their (expensive) equipment so that I can have the feel and touch of the machine itself. True enough, when I started snapping, I was reluctant to let go!

Genetics is also to blame. My dad, at my age (around 30 years ago), was also an SLR camera owner. Actually, three SLR cameras, to be exact. My dad certainly had an interest in photography and he was quite the photographer-in-demand around his kampung back then. So, the photography gene was certainly present inside of me all these while.

So after months of “modelling” for shots, I’d now have the chance to capture memories myself. With the generous tutoring friends I have, I have full confidence of being able to live my newfound passion to the fullest. For now, here are some pics of the camera I took with my mobile phone.

 

I’ve had my eye on parodying some Malaysian novel when I realised, that even if we had plenty of good writers around, something seems to be missing. No one book is considered the almighty must-read Malaysian novel. Maybe it’s got to do something with our government’s tendency to ban books approaching on remotely interesting topics to us Malaysians.

NaNoWriMo is a few months ahead. I know some bloggers would have already been planning their write-ups in detail. It was only last year when I heard of the project, thanks to a fellow blogger, Balajoe and his novel-in-the-making, The Malayan U-Boat. Why didn’t I enter? Maybe it’s got something to do with the fact that I only got to know about it after it had begun and when I thought I could catch up with a few rapid postings, I hit upon a mental block upon thinking for a suitable topic to write on.

These last few days have been interesting. I had managed to think of a loose plot for my NaNoWriMo project. I got the basic plotline after a bad spell of fever and flu a few weeks back that made me hallucinate when I took the strong medications prescribed to me. Yes, I was high when I got the idea. Hear this out: 1000 years into the future. Post-nuclear fallout. In a land of what was once called Malaysia. Can’t reveal more than that.

Yeah yeah yeah it might sound familiar, it might not. Reserve your judgment till you’ve read it. The only thing I’m wondering is whether to grind it out during the NaNoWriMo month, or post weekly updates of the story. There are pros and cons of both options, so I gotta choose carefully.

I wonder. After I complete this “novel”, will the future generations be talking about it? Will it be compulsory school reading material? Will I be given the highest literary award the nation has ever known. Only two possibilities exist actually. People either call it a piece of crap fit only for toilet reading or I get hunted by the cops for ruining the minds of the Malaysians in cyberspace.

Their defence? “After all, he got the fucking idea for the story while being high, My Lord.”

Ironic. Two years back, when I started blogging, I had lesser pay, but more time in my hands. Now having more pay, but hardly time for a decent nap. Juggling my full time job with my side projects is certainly a tough thing to do. Perhaps it’s because I’ve never been bombarded like this before. With time, I hope I manage to balance them out. It’s not like this shit is rocket science, eh?

I’m also in the midst of creating a new blog. Photoblog, to be exact. Still theme hunting, though. Why a photoblog? Well, I’ll be soon purchasing a DSLR cam. It took me 7 months to come up with the cash, and I’m glad I’m here finally. I getting plenty of good advice from awesome guys out there, who mostly are my friends from the blogosphere.

I’ve been only in my house for the past few months to take a bath,eat and sleep. Sometimes only to sleep. Mom’s complaining that I’m not even home on weekends anymore. Whom should I blame? Let’s see. Samy Vellu, myself, or the spider I see every morning near my car’s right side-mirror? I believe this time the spider should take the blame. I dunno why. I just wanna blame it.

I’ve been going to weddings and parties and gatherings and meetings not because I want to, but mostly because I either have to oblige my friends (coz they are my friends) and in some cases, business meetings aren’t quite optional. Sadly, I’ve not indulged properly in alcohol yet as taking them AFTER you’ve sorted out your issues provide an even wider space for enjoying the occasion, not before. Since I’m neck deep with committments, I’d like to keep holding on till I’m done with the things I’ve set out to do. I did take some Vodka two weeks back, but not enough to actually pass out or sing like Beyonce. It’s a feeling where you’re like high, but not high enough (actually, only high a bit for 10 minutes before we ran out of alcohol due to having too many people joining in the session).

To top all that, I’m also busy planning a trip to somewhere out of Malaysia with a bunch of friends. It’ll be my first time on a plane (YES!) and also to a foreign nation, so I want it to be as exciting as possible. I’ll be backpacking with a few exprerience backpackers. Trip is being planned somewhere in early 2010, and I don’t wanna jinx the whole shit before the trip is finalised.

So there you have it. Kavilan’s officially on the way to looney land. Bring your friends along for the ride. Oh wait. I forgot. Our country already there. No wonder I’m feeling so fucked up.

So, you wanna know what all this is about? Raajarox made a blog post which pokes harmless fun against Samy Vellu, Kayveas and Murugiah. As you can see, my comment is as pictured below.

And a certain Mr. Premnath, posted his two cents.

Quite naturally, the prick in me posted a reply in the form of a question to my friend Raaja, the owner of Raajarox.

And we do have others replies in support of me as well, to which I’d be providing the link to later on.

Now it should be known that Mr. Premnath, in his blog, has written about himself. Here’s an excerpt. “I am the National Information Officer and Selangor Chief of Putera MIC, a wing of the Malaysian Indian Congress.” Funny. I thought leaders should be picked on their maturity and their ability to discern logical thinking. Let me present to you, Mr. Premnath, what is on my mind, and many of my esteemed friends who are both students and ex-students of AIMST University.

I have my own mind to think with. Having studied in AIMST, in no way, gives MIC the right over my thoughts and whom I choose to talk about. Freedom of speech. Rings a bell? I paid for the education myself. Thank you Uncle Samy for the idea of having a university and bla bla bla, but come on, who are we kidding here? It wasn’t MIC’s money that built the university single-handedly. And it wasn’t MIC that paid for my education. My brains, my money, my degree. And to think, that the Selangor Chief of Putera MIC is disturbed to see me laughing at a flash animation with Samy Vellu’s head, and accusing me that I’ve forgotten the fact that I’m from AIMST?! Way to go!

These are the kinds of mentality we should vanquish. The logic isn’t right. Let me rephrase. There isn’t any logic to it. Boo hoo! When we have state chiefs (of the Putera wing, of course) coming up with these types of statements, it makes you wonder about the effectiveness of re-branding strategy that has been widely going up and about with MIC of late.

The simple fact is, the freedom to think for yourself has been gone before we realised it was too late. I was a mindless drone swallowing every government propaganda the education system and media were feeding us. I also sometimes took it dead seriously when the opposition rambled on about something. I was just a listener. And guess what? Of all the places, it was in university that I woke up. Going to AIMST helped me learn to think for myself, formulate my own ideas, and fight for my needs. No use denying the irony that AIMST made me what I am today. A free man who thinks for himself.

You can find Raajarox’s funny animation post here. Laugh about it all you want. And remember, no one should supress your thoughts just because you are associated to them in some weird twisted way.

1. The latest movie, Cicakman 3, grossed the highest box-office collection ever in Malaysia.




2. We DID beat Kugan to death.




3. Awang Selamat has been charged for sedition for his writings in his Bisik-Bisik column.




4. Mat Rempits are being rounded up by the hundreds along with their Oxford-graduate ringleader.




5. We’ve found Nurin’s killers.




6. It’s true. I had hair transplant surgery. They planted my hair.




7. Toll rates will go down 50% and the agreements will be made public.




8. The Malaysian government opposes Sri Lanka’s UN resolution to keep war matters within it’s walls.




9. I admit it. I ordered her execution. And my wife is involved as well.




10. I’m a MAMAK and I became Prime Minister. You can TOO!

Daphne Millbrook

A thief with super speed. You’d ask, why do we need a thief? Simple. To steal. Ok ok I’ll be more specific. Let her steal all those important documents that these donkeys are having to cover up the tracks. Like maybe the PKFZ scandal documents. And all those documents under the Official Secrets Act. Get those documents, and then, publish for all Malaysians to see. Run Daphne run, and get me those documents! And a Spicy Chicken McDeluxe while your at it!

Micah Sanders

The little boy with technopathy. Meaning, he talks to technological shit. That’s like, fucking awesome. What would we need him for? Remember the documents we stole? We need technology to disseminate the information. All Micah needs to do, is to convert those documents to digital format, and make every TV station air it. Then he can control the internet access of Malaysians where everyone will receive a copy of the documents when they connect to the net. Not to mention make the papers print out detailed analysis of all the dirty work. This way, every single Malaysian can know what’s happening. Perhaps he’d also help us to achieve better broadband speed with Streamyx.

Claude Rains

You might not remember this guy. This dude goes invisible. He can also make other shit go invisible if he touches it. All we need to do is give good ‘ol Claude here a good video cam and he’ll be another great asset. NO, I’m not asking him to take videos of naked women. He’ll be taking videos of our favourite politicians brokering shady deals and offering scholarship advice to anally-violated faggots. No more blurry videos taken from bad vantage points like Uncle Lingam’s. We’d have HD quality videos with crystal clear sound to be enjoyed by the whole family. Bring Micah along to broadcast them videos. Then, maybe, just maybe, we could get videos of naked politicians ala Chua Soi Lek.

Molly Walker

This cute little kid is very important. She has the ability to find anyone on the planet by just thinking about them. Let’s say someone goes into hiding after a scandals blows up in Malaysia. Molly closes her eyes, then opens them, and she’s telling us where can we find this sonnovabitch. In goes our agent, surprising Mr. Scandal while he’s taking a dump in a village house along the Pahang-Johor border. Or maybe try to locate where RPK is now. Hah! Just kidding. Not RPK. More like where Sirul and Azilah are.

Noah Bennet

Yes. I hear you. He has no powers. But Noah’s the best Agent who ever worked for The Company. His expertise in hand-to-hand combat and marksmanship is needed to subdue thugs and Mat Rempits. Noah can track down anyone, say, someone having dinner with a Mongolian in France. He has plenty of contacts all around the world, which would make it easy for him to gain access into the dealings of submarines or helicopters. In short, he’d be the best spy. AND, he can control the ones with powers should they go rogue.

You guys have better ideas?

A few letters have been sent to me some time back. By letters, I mean e-mails from my readers. And by readers, I mean my split personalities. Hey, don’t look at me like that. I’m not the only one who can say one thing now, and categorically deny it later on. Just ask our Gomen. Now, let’s see what the Gomen has to say about these letters.

Dear Gomen,

I am confused. Until today, I still do not know who my Menteri Besar is. The courts are making me go crazy. Please explain why this nonsense is taking place and who is my actual Menteri Besar?

Perakian

Dear Perakian,

Serves you right for voting for the opposition last year. As to our best knowledge, the actual Menteri Besar is a used black metallic Camry. Here’s some more bonus information you can share with your friends. The real speaker is that lady who cavorts with snakes. She knows the standing orders better than our appointed Speaker.

Gomen

 

Dear Gomen,

I bought a box of wax candles last week, and they were faulty (don’t ask me how or why). While on the way to return them to the shop where I purchased them, I was caught by police and treated with contempt. The constable that arrested me said he received orders from the top. I want to know where have my civil rights gone to? A body can’t walk with candles anymore.

I-Wasn’t-Protesting-Damnit

Dear I-Wasn’t-Protesting-Damnit,

In accordance to the new law which you probably hadn’t heard, anyone walking around with candles on public streets isliable to be arrested by the police, citing the candles as just cause. This is in lieu with the massive carbon dioxide pollution brought forth by lighting candles in front of police stations by Malaysians who want to destroy the stability of the country. The carbon dioxide then disturbs the regular breathing pattern of our police officers, thus rendering them incapable of fighting crime in your neighbourhood, to which then you complain that they aren’t doing their jobs.

Gomen

 

Dear Gomen,

I am an avid sports fan. Though it is sad to see that many Malaysian sportsmen and women rarely do well in the international scene save a few special hardworking men and women, I still support my country well. Lately I’ve been hearing about a certain ex-Menteri Besar wanting to contest for the post of big kahuna in the Malaysian Olympic Council. The last time I saw him in TV, he was giving a victory speech after the 12th General Election, using the phrase “jentera pilihanraya” 9 times in a 30-word sentence. Can you explain to me how a man incapable of stringing a proper sentence in Bahasa Malaysia can even begin to contest for such a post?

Our Football Sucks

Dear Our Football Sucks,

This is a free country (figuratively, of course; you need money for almost everything). Any village idiot can contest in any post. You wanna become a judge? No problem. You wanna become an astronaut? Can do! Just don’t question why they’re contesting. That’s communist thinking. We have a place called Kamunting for people who think like communists. Now stop questioning, fool!

Gomen

 

Dear Gomen,

A Strawberry told me the other day that not all Mat Rempits are bad, and most of them are only looking for fun. He also said that they started doing such things after movies like Tokyo Drift and The Fast and The Furious were released. Is there any way to deter these Mat Rempits?

BMX Cyclist

Dear BMX Cyclist,

Yes, it is true wat you’ve heard. Mat Rempits are merely fun loving youths who mean no harm. Why, even our own Oxford graduate loves em and personally vouches for them. The Gomen thinks that the proper solution is to further ban racing movies, books on vehicular mechanics, and TV shows such American Chopper and the whole Discovery Turbo channel. We will also conduct a study on how to re-educate these youths on the street racing. Study will be made by a 10-man panel after researching countries like Burkina Faso, Somalia and Chile. Your tax money is doing it’s job!

Gomen

 

Dear Gomen,

Mahathir was preaching about Wawasan 2020, and he said “Look to the East”. Pak Lah talked about “Islam Hadhari” and he said “Look at the Arabs”. Can you please explain the concept of 1Malaysia and what it would bring to all Malaysians?

Hopeful Malaysian

Dear Hopeful Malaysian,

Look at Zimbabwe and Mugabe.

Gomen