How life is....

Our beautiful daughter sucking her hand

2010-08-12T00:11:00.001Z

I love her so much xxx

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baby shower

2010-07-24T23:25:00.001Z

My friends from swadlincote threw me a great surprise baby shower. So blessed :)

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tired....

2010-07-20T21:31:00.001Z

happy but tired, wish I had more energy.8 weeks to go.

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10 weeks to go!

2010-07-06T08:44:00.001Z

Can't believe my princess is due in 10 weeks!

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A happier post

2010-06-10T08:36:00.000Z

After my sad and upset post yesterday I just wanted to say I'm feeling a lot better, I slept really well last night. I have an amazing husband, and I love feeling my baby kick me. She's my gorgeous little princess x x x x x

Feelings

2010-06-09T10:22:00.004Z

Pregnancy is an exciting journey but so scary.

There's the changes to my body and my emotions, I love my baby bump but I hate people touching it, total strangers try to grab it in the street and I'm not even that big yet. Its been ages since any of my friends had babies and I wish I had somebody to talk to about all the feelings and emotions, and all the things I'm going through. I know people care and want to be there for me but sometimes I do feel I am so alone in it all, these changes are happening to me, and nobody I know is having the changes at the same time. Chris is a great support but its the inside stuff that I don't even understand that I don't know how to tell anyone about. I have so many fears I would sound silly sharing them.

Every time Chris leaves the house even to just go to work, I worry he's going to be ok because I can't even consider what it would be like to bring a baby up on my own. I hate it when he's out and I don't know if he's ok or not, and I get too scared to tell him because I don't want him to think I'm being clingy, but I love him and don't want to lose him. I hate feeling like this its just not me.

I guess I'm feeling emotional and hormonal at the moment, oh well at least its off my chest. I didn't sleep last night, there are too many emotions going round in my head and I couldn't relax, I'm thinking that didn't help.

It's a Girl!!

2010-05-10T10:44:00.002Z

My baby is going to be a beautiful baby girl! Can't wait to meet her x

Hmmm....

2010-04-19T14:53:00.000Z

Hmmm this baby business is scary. Don't get me wrong I'm excited about being a Mum, but I'm really nervous too. Everyone says it'll pass and as soon as I hold the baby my fears will go away but I'd really feel nervous about it. What if I'm an awful Mum? What if I can't cope?

I'm sure it'll be fine, I just feel so grown up and responsible.

I'm having a baby!

2010-03-05T11:05:00.000Z

I'm so pleased I can finally write my exciting news here, I am pregnant. As of today I am 12 weeks 3 days. Had my 12 week scan yesterday and got a gorgeous picture of baby, can't wait to meet him or her. I've been desparate to blog about it since I found out but wanted to wait till after the scan. I'm due on 14th September.

So excited about my new adventure. Can't wait to meet my baby!

2010 a year to be enjoyed

2010-01-04T13:11:00.001Z

I am totally hopeless at updating this thing, but I thought I'd stop in and say hi. Looking back at 2009 it was a hard year with a month spent off work with depression, Chris being out of work for a while and some severe trust issues with friends which meant that people I thought I could trust were now out of my life.

Anyhow, to look forward, 2010 is a year I am going to enjoy. I have no idea what it will hold, but I am sure that it will be exciting and maybe even life changing.

I'm back to Slimming World tonight bit nervous, but I'm sure I'll be fine. Had a fantastic Christmas and New Year, Chris really spoilt me and I had some great times with the girls.

Its good to be blogging again.

Birthday cake and kitchen tiles

2009-09-11T10:30:00.005Z

I have great parents, they're the sort of people who are always there for us. Over the last few weeks Mum and Dad have been great in helping us getting our new kitchen in and sorted out. Tomorrow they're coming over to help us put the tiles up in the kitchen.

The other reason for them coming over is its Dads Birthday on Sunday, so we're going to have a BBQ tomorrow night to celebrate and a Birthday cake. This afternoon I'm going to be making a cake for tomorrow and icing it with buttercream icing. I'll have to take a photo of it to show you. I'm going to limit myself to one slice tomorrow and then Mum is taking it home with her. I'm really looking forward to baking in my new kitchen. I'm also making a tomato and pepper soup for lunch, mmmm tasty. It's funny, I get a new kitchen and suddenly I want to cook!!

I'll also have to post photos of the new kitchen, but I don't want to do that till it's finished. So, after work today Chris and I will be going to look at tiles, and then shopping for ingredients for cake and soup. Then we're going to have to get dad a Birthday present, and do lots of cooking, while at the same time tidying up and relaxing.

Procrastination

2009-09-10T14:01:00.002Z

Why do we procrastinate?

For the last few weeks every day I've been saying I'm going back to my healthy eating regime, and that I'll exercise too, but then I never start it.

I've come so far, lost over 7 stone in weight, and want to lose more, not to be a twiglet or something, just to fit into a size 14 (UK sizes), but I keep on putting it off.

I really need to get my head together and get on with it.

So, instead of saying I'll do it and then doing nothing about it, I've decided to be honest with you, say that I'm struggling, but that I'm going to try my hardest from now on. It won't be easy, it never is, but I will try my hardest to stay on track.

I've not got far to go, how hard can it be?

So, tomorrow it begins, you can say that's procrastination, but I have half of the pudding Chris made for me last night in the fridge, and it'd be a shame to waste it.

Gaming relieves stress

2009-09-10T08:32:00.002Z

Well, I got home last night and felt awful, really stressed out and down, but Chris came home with lots of love and support and I soon felt a lot better. Chris had brought me a tasty pudding, heat magazine, and then prepared me a really tasty dinner.

Chris had also picked himself up a copy of Beatles Rock Band so I watched him play that a bit, and then pushed him off to play Rock Band too. There is no better therapy than mashing away at the drums to Paramore songs. I really need to get me some pink drumsticks. I progressed onto hard mode last night, I'm not very good at it but medium is too easy for me.

Gaming really gets the stress out of my system.

I also had a run around on Call of Duty 4, trying to work my way back up to prestige mode before the sequal comes out. One game I'm really looking forward to is Wet, I am hooked on the demo, and can't wait for it to come out. It's has a girl as the main character, and the gameplay is mostly sword and gunplay. It's out here next Friday and looks like it's going to be a lot of fun.

Anyhow I'd better go for now, got lots of work to do. I might update again later if I get time.

Welcome to all my new readers.

Helen x

Supporting People is Hard

2009-09-09T11:32:00.003Z

Supporting people is hard.

For the last two days I have been the victim of a torrent of aggression and abuse.

I find myself sitting here feeling hurt and angry that somebody would be so aggressive and horrible to me. I feel upset and down about it. I know that the person hurting me needs help, support and love to get them through what they're going through. They say I'm not supporting them enough, but I don't feel I have anything left to give. I feel as if I am failling a a friend, to somebody who I wouldn't actually say is a friend to me. Somebody who I don't really want to support but I have to because of circumstances. When all I really want to do is to tell them to grow up, get themselves together and to leave me alone.

Sorry for the rant, I just felt I had to get it out of my system.

Dreaming dreams from the heart

2009-09-08T09:52:00.006Z

Looking to the future, I've been thinking what I want from life. I guess that a lot of the things I was are purely selfish, and self centred. But I figure that's the same for most people. I love my home, and really feel it's coming together nicely, but there's so much more needs doing. Those little jobs that I always procrastinate about, and the other things that need doing and yet are too expensive.

I am so blessed to have such a great husband, Chris is wonderful, and makes me really happy. I feel so happy that he's mine. I want him to be happy and settled in a job that he enjoys, and I hope that the job that he's doing becomes the one that he loves and really enjoys. Chris is an amazing guy who makes me really happy.

What else do I want? Well, eventually in the right time I want to have a family. I want it to be in Gods time. I am sure that Chris would make an amazing father. I just trust that in at the right time God will make it clear that we should start a family.

Friends, I have two very special friends, Emma, and Emma (yes, sometimes I wonder why my best mates both have the same name). I love spending time with both of them, they're both so different from each other. I hope that in the future these relationships will grow and develop. I have a wider circle of friends, some that I trust with things I hide deep in my life, and others who I see in a more social way. I hope that I can bless my friends as much as they bless me. My other good friend Jo is in New Zealand at the moment, I miss her, but I hope she has a great time.

I want to be a size 14 (that's a UK size 14 for those American readers out there). I'm bordering between a 14 and a 16 at the moment, and I am really trying to push myself to lose that bit of weight to be comfortably in a size 14. I seem to have lost the plot a bit with it recently, but I want to get down to a 14 and stay there.

What else do I dream? Happiness for my family and friends. I want the people I know to feel happy and fulfilled. I think when the people around me are happy it'll be much easier for me to be happy.

Girlie times, and celebrating six years of marriage

2009-09-07T08:53:00.004Z

Hehe I'm hopeless at updating this blog, so this could be a long post, here goes. Lots of things to update.

It's been a busy summer, but things are good, I've had a wonderful time catching up with friends and enjoying their company and having fun. The summer fun kicked off with a surprise trip to Birmingham shopping, I went to meet Emma in the Bullring for a coffee, we ended up going to Selfridges and having a very large, tasty ice cream sundae (as seen in the picture in the previous post). We then went for a wander around the city centre and did lots of girlie shopping.

A few weeks later I hosted a girlie night at our house, we were going to have a BBQ but because the weather was predicted to be bad we decided to have a buffet instead. We ate outside around the firepit and had a lovely night. It was good to catch up with people and say thanks for the support they'd given me when I had my depression.

The week after that I arranged a surprise trip for Emma and I to go to Birmingham to have a relaxation day. We met in the city centre and then headed to the Sensory Sp a I'd booked us in for the use of the facilities, with a facial and scalp massage included. It was a lovely, relaxing time, when we experienced the steam room, swimming, jacuzzi and generally felt pampered. After that we went to Pizza Express for lunch and then chilled out around the town, shopping and having coffee. Later on Chris picked u up from town and took us back to Tim and Emmas to get ready to go out in the evening. That night we went to Ziizii's at the Mailbox and had a fantastic evening, good food, good drink and even better company. An excellent day, one to be remembered in the future as a special time.

The other big event that has happened in the last few weeks is that we have had a new kitchen. Technically it's not a new kitchen but one given to us by my Aunty as she was getting a new one. But to us it's new, and looks fantastic. I'm loving having a kitchen to cook in and to bake. This weekend I started to make meals at home to freeze for lunches during the week. This week I'll be enjoying Leek and Potato soup, stew, pasta bolognaise and vegetable soup.

Last weekend Chris and I celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary with a lovely trip to Manchester for the weekend. We spent time shopping, chilling out, eating out and going to the cinema. All of the meals were lovely especially on our actual anniversary when we went to the Hard Rock cafe for dinner. We had a lovely time, drank some very tasty cocktails, and eat to yummy food. A fantastic weekend with a gorgeous husband!

Life is pretty good, I'm happy and busy. Need to get exercising again, but otherwise am doing great. Feel blessed to have such a great group of people around me and an amazing husband!

Ice cream....

2009-08-12T14:26:00.005Z

MMMM Emma and I went to the ice cream parlour in Selfridges, Birmingham....

It was tasty!!!

Films, gardening and holidays...

2009-08-03T08:55:00.004Z

It's Monday morning, and I have that Monday feeling. Had a great weekend although I wish the weather was better, so I could have got into the grden more. I love being able to spend the weekend relaxing with Chris. This weekend we rented some blu ray films and watched them, they were on offer in Blockbuster, we rented: Taken (excellent Liam Neeson movie, 10,000 BC (which we haven't watched yet), Max Payne which was pretty good, and Push which as a fan of Heroes I really enjoyed. I think we're going to watch 10,000 BC tonight.

Life is good right now, I've been saving up money, and have made enough money through Amazon sales to take Chris, Mum and Dad on holiday to Spain in October. We're off to LLoret De Mar which is where Chris and I went in May. Staying in the same hotel as we stayed in when we went there in May. It'll be the first time Mum and Dad have been to Spain so I hope it goes really well. We're doign everything we can to make it really special for them. We're hoping to spend a day in Barcelona when we're there and go on lots of walks. I love the food when I'm abroard (unsurprisingly) and I love eating out in the local resturants. I can't wait. I'm really trying to get into shape again for the trip but am finding it a bit hard to at the moment. I'll get there though. We've got travel scrabble and uno to play when we're there to keep us busy.

I've been busy in garden recently, Mum and Dad have bought us a patio and put a path in down to the bottom of the garden. It looks lovely, and we have a beautiful arch on the entrance of the garden which I'm growing two clematis up. I love my garden, when I was suffering with depression I found that it was the place where I could relax most and also I felt really close to God as I looked at the beauty of the garden. I get lots of birds and butterflies in the garden and find it to be a place where I can relax and switch off. Here's some pictures from the garden:

Anyhow, I'd better sign off for now. Thanks for your comments and texts after my last blog, it's good to see people read this. Keep in touch :)

It's time to talk....

2009-07-31T10:33:00.002Z

I've had a long extended break from blogging for a while and am ready to take the world by storm. This year has been probably one of he most difficult of my life, but yet one where I have grown and developed as a person and feel happy to be where I am now. I've now moved on from my depression, feel great, and am off the tablets, I feel better than I have done for months, and really didn't realise how long I'd been down for.

I had a pretty big set back just as I was coming out of depression, a friend of ours stole some money from our house, what made it worse is that it could only have been one of two people and both are still to this day denying it. It was impossible that it could have been anyone else. I think the thing I found hardest to deal with was the end of the friendship that followed and the fact that throughout I wasn't a part of the discussion. That wasn't anybodys fault and I probably could have it I'd pushed it but I didn't. I was so hurt that trust was broken and that people we would invite into our house would break the trust like that.

Anyhow to move on from that, through my depression I realised how much certain friends mean to me, the wierdest things is that my two closest friends are called Emma, and they are both totally insane and also very different from each other. I really appreciate their friendship and the way they looked out for me, and continue to look out for me.

Life is pretty good now, Chris and I had a lovely holiday in Costa Brava in May and are headed back there in October for a week. I've drawn a line under the bad stuff that happened, and this blog post is the final part of me moving on.

it's Friday today, time to plan the weekend....

How Life Is....

2009-05-27T12:42:00.003Z

How is life?

Regular readers to my blog will have noticed that I haven't been having the best of times lately, I don't really have much to say about it all. a lot of what I went through was deeply personal, but I am coming out the other side now.

Life is getting better.

Some things I will share, my friend Leina, who I would call my little sister, from the orphanage in Russia (she'd been adopted to America) committed suicide a couple of weeks ago. I was heart broken, we were in touch a couple of times a week and I loved her dearly. I'm so sad that she's gone.

I had several weeks off work before Easter with depression, the doctor put me on anti depressents and the time off and the tablets made me much better. I'm still on the tablets and am learning to deal with stress and depression in a much better way.

Chris has been out of work, he should be starting a new job soon which should relieve the pressure on our finances.

I'm going to end this post now, I might post another later, I just wanted to put down a bit about what's happened.

Thanks

2009-05-19T14:23:00.002Z

Thanks for the support people, things are a lot better. I'll post a fuller blog soon x

Light at the end of the tunnel

2009-03-13T20:21:00.002Z

I can see a very small light at the end of a very long tunnel.

Feeling down....

2009-03-10T20:34:00.002Z

The tears won't stop.

A weekend of chilling...

2009-03-09T10:12:00.007Z

I had yet another fun weekend, it was one that to be honest I was a bit nervous about but it went really well. On Friday we had some people over from Chris's work for an 80s party, I'd invited my friend Emma to come over too. I was pretty nervous about the weekend as I hadn't really met the people before but it was a great night. I was dressed up in a RaRa skirt and leggings, which I felt totally fat in but actually on the piccys don't look too bad on. It was a pretty good night, made better by the fact that we played on Singstar for most of the night.

I still feel really apprehensive about Chris's work collegues, I have this fear that they didn't like me. I guess I'm being silly but I still have these insecurities that they're all sitting there at work saying stuff about me behind my back, and that Chris will feel he has to defend me because he's my husband. Oh well, I tried my best.

The rest of the weekend Chris and I just chilled out, we didn't really do much. I spent some time on Saturday planting some snowdrops that Mum and Dad had got for me. We popped into town on Sunday but didn't really get anything. We're really short on money this month and I think are going to spend the rest of the month eating jacket potatoes or pasta as they're cheap. We'll be fine but it's not great obviously.

I'm not looking forward to Slimming World tonight, my Wii Fit says I've put on 4 pounds, I don't know how I would have done that, but it means I'm a bit nervous about weighing, I always feel bad when I've put on especially if I don't know why I have, only tonight will tell the truth.

My Weight Loss Tracker

I got my Club 10 Award...

2009-03-04T19:18:00.006Z

For those of you who don't know I have been attending a Slimming World class. Each Monday evening I go to Slimming World with my friend Emma, get weighed and receive weight loss advice. I originally lost my first large amount of weight on Slimming World using their online service, I then had a break from it for a while, but came back to the plan in October and since then I've been attending the class each week. This week was particularly important to me as I knew that if I lost 2 pounds I'd have got to my 1.5 stone benchmark, and I'd get my club 10 award which is 10% of my body weight. I would have been so upset if I only lost 1 pound lol.

Anyhow I lost 2 pounds, and got my 1.5 stone award and my club 10 (that is of course since October), I was really pleased with myself, I'm feeling great about myself. I've found my eating plan really easy to stick to, and have found that I've not been going hungry. Maybe it's because it's getting a bit warmer so I don't feel I need to eat as much lol. I've been gardening a lot which is good exercise for me and I think that probably helps.

I'm so pleased with the way my weight loss is going. I really feel as if I'm moving forward with it. I'm determined, I know I get like this sometimes and then give up after a while but this time I'm going to do it. I'm at my lowest weight for over 8 years and I'm not going back. I think Chris thinks he's got a different wife now hehe!