You remember Jeff Foxworthy’s skit, If going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight…you might be a redneck?

*If you ever…burst into song in a public restroom, just to cover up the sound of your kid screaming “Mommy, wipe me“…you might have a 4 yr old.

If you ever…took the long way home, just because he finally fell asleep in his carseat and the silence sounded so good….you might have a 4 yr old.

If you ever…locked yourself in the pantry, just to eat a piece of candy alone….you might have a 4 yr old.

If you ever…played the whocanbethequietest game more than 7 times in one day…you might have a 4 yr old.

If you ever…told your kid that you’re going to the store to buy him a new family…you might have a 4 yr old. (come on, no one else?)

If you ever…found enough baggies of dry cereal in your vehicle to feed an entire village…you might have a 4 yr old.

If you ever…wished that your child was old enough to sit and play video games….you might have a 4 yr old.

If you ever…realized that withholding episodes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse was your greatest weapon….you might have a 4 yr old.

If you ever…lied about random animals in your backyard (“Look, it’s a zebra!”), just to distract your kid for a few seconds…you might have a 4 yr old.

If you ever…use the term “stop mooning me ” more than once a month…you might have a 4 yr old.

If you ever…played hide and seek with your kid, then purposely let them stay hidden while you raced to cook supper…you might have a 4 yr old.

If you ever….called your kid ‘buddy’ so often that he stops responding to his actual name…you might have a 4 yr old.

If you ever…got so sick of telling your child to ‘stay by the cart’, that you hid behind a rack of clothes, just to see if he would care…you might have a 4 yr old.

Grandma has been eagerly awaiting some shots of her little troublemaker…so these are for you!  People ask me all the time if my kids get sick of me taking their pictures…the truth is, I don’t do it nearly as often as I should.  I knew that Brady was due for his ‘official’ 4 yr session, but I hadn’t had any inspiration for a location/theme etc. (I usually put a little planning into each kids pictures).  A few weeks ago, the whole family was outside shooting hoops (it’s the one game we all enjoy doing together…come over sometime, I’ll beat you in Horse), and the sun shine in my backyard was awesome….hazy and golden.  So I grabbed Brady’s Easter outfit and a bench, and got some really cute shots of my buddy…since his brother and sister were watching, most of his faces are being goofy and silly…but that’s him (at least it’s him when he’s not crying/whining/screaming).

I’ve never ordered a print larger than a 30×30…so last week, I went all out and got a 30×40 of this next image….and the kicker…I have no idea where I’m going to hang it.  I just wanted it…big.  Dang, I should be my own client, I’d love myself.

Love this next one…even though I wish I would have styled his hair, if only I knew how to add gel in photoshop.

This next shot says to me: I gambled and lost.

So many shots with his giant tongue, it’s disturbingly large.  Gene Simmons large.

These last two shots make me laugh.  Brady wanted me to first take a picture of the sky, THEN take a picture of him looking at the sky.  Will do, son.

Romantic?  Me?  Not really.  But I like to read about it….and apparently, dream about it (get your heads out of the gutter, you 50 shades of grey whores).  I woke up early this morning (anytime before 7am is considered early in my book), from a dream.  In that dream, I was writing my husband a love letter.  And it was perfect.  Touching, witty, sassy and tender….since I only possess one of those qualities, you can imagine my excitement.  But laziness prevailed, and instead of getting out of bed and rushing to write down every monumental word, I did what I always do…..started chanting the words in my head, recited them 3 times, then promptly fell back asleep.  Note to self:  memorization techniques in a state of semi-unconsciousness = pointless.  So now I can only remember one line…wait for it…. (coughcoughclearingmythroatbigdramaticpause), “My love for you is like a dog.”  Oh, I’m sorry, were you really expecting something good?  Because honestly, that is all I remember.  I’m pretty sure there was something tremendously clever both before and after such an epic line, because I remember waking up from my dream thinking it was literary genius…but we’ll never know, will we?

This sweet little girl was so good to me…I forgot how much I loved this session…see, memory issues I tell ya.   Isn’t she a doll?

How young is too young for high heels?  5 days sounds about right

Apparently, it was coming on Christmas….Joni Mitchell anyone?

 My little list of things you shouldn’t do…ever

*listen too closely to fans or sound machines…the ‘white noise’ will eventually start talking back to you, and it whispers some creepy stuff

*assume that everyone knows you’re a photographer…not everyone gives a hoot

*eat a serving of salad at an all-you-can-eat buffet, it’s called justifying what you’re about to do, and it’s not worth taking up space in your stomach

*go to the home depot expecting an employee to actually walk down the aisle you need help in

*ignore laundry piles in excess of 3 weeks…you will start combing the dark recesses of your closet to find anything that matches, and/or fits…you will find yourself walking around all day wearing a teal silk blouse (ooh, I’ll have to share the story of that blouse soon…) from sophomore year of high school, and an unbuttoned pair of stone-washed jeans that didn’t fit you before you had kids, let alone now.

*tell someone to try a new diet shake just days after they’ve confessed to wearing giant undies

*never assume a woman is pregnant, even if she uses words like ‘dilate’ in a sentence…if you guess wrong, the backlash and embarrassment is brutal

*go shopping for a moose head, then try to explain to the store clerk what you plan on using it for…some things are better left to the imagination

*never stop talking/singing to yourself when you’re at a stoplight…if it can entertain the people in the next car over, then you’ve done your good deed for the day

*Do not come between a boy and his mickey mouse clubhouse…I’ve learned that there will be no eye contact or verbal response until the completion of the hot dog dance

These little kiddos are awesome…big sister is so kind and sweet to her little brother (at least while she’s at the studio!)  Just look how adorable they are~and stylish~their mom always comes with a ton of fun outfits!   I want his green shoes….

Okay, I changed my mind…forget the green shoes, I want these fringe boots.  I could so pull this off.  They’d go with my mom jeans, right?

Not to beat a dead horse…but you ladies have got to stop encouraging me.  I’ve received 7 different emails from FB fans and friends, asking me if I’d like them to send me their maternity panties.  Ummm, don’t you see?  I don’t WANT to love them, they are enabling me to do bad things…like eat more.  And while we’re still on the topic…I’m a little concerned that people are willing to donate their used undergarments.  Isn’t there some sort of unwritten rule against second hand panties?  Mine go straight to meet their maker when I’ve decided their services are no longer needed.

I did have a thought…you know how all the super classy bars have bra’s hanging on the ceiling?  I was thinking I could do something similar in my studio.  Only with giant underwear…who’s with me?   I do a lot of newborn shoots, so you know the ‘product’ is plentiful.  As an incentive, I’ll add a 5×7 print to your order~on the house!  I’m totally serious about this.  I’ll share pictures of my ceiling creation after I get a few pairs hanging for the cause.  Please note:  I prefer bright cheerful colors, and patterns are nice too.  Plain white or beige will only receive a 4×6, get creative people.

Think of the conversation starter I’ll have…no more, “boy, this weather sure is gloomy”, or “wow, you really do live out in the middle of nowhere, don’t you?”  Instead, every new session I have will walk in and say, “Hey, we made it, what a beautiful drive-whattheheckwhydoyouhaveacraploadofunderwearhangingfromamoosehead?”  (fyi, I’ve decided a moosehead is the only proper way to display such ridiculousness…now I must find a moosehead…maybe just some antlers).

Okay, plan is in place, operation CABOOSE MY MOOSE (oh, man, I am killing it!) has been called to action.  Did I say that right?  I watch a lot of NCIS and other crime drama’s…wanna make sure I have the lingo down pat.

Another two families on the blog today.  First up a sweet little 6 month old boy and his folks.  I actually just saw him last week for his 1 yr session.  Which puts me about 6 months behind on here.  Awesome.  Beautiful fall morning for this shoot though~love the colors outside!

Don’t give up little buddy

Another fall morning with a cute little 1 yr old girl (who was pretty fast, if I remember correctly!)…she did so good!

Total charmer!

Anyways, they asked to feature an image of a woman with a strong ‘editorial’ type feel.  I hope this fits the bill!

Hold on…we’re stalling here.  Because when I write inappropriate things on my blog (which has been known to happen on occasion), the first paragraph always shows up on the facebook newsfeeds.  And what I’m about to say, really shouldn’t be read by just any casual browsers…I like to think that I’ve developed a rapport with my wonderful blog readers…when I say rapport, I mean you already know what a wack job I am, and accept me just the same…tackiness and all.

Have I stalled long enough?  Okay, here it is…confession time.

You’ve heard the phrase, “put on your big girl panties, and get over yourself”?  Or something to that effect…well, I like to wear big girl panties.  Not the metaphorical ones, real ones…because they’re damn comfy.  Of course, I’m not talking about the classic ‘hanes her way granny panty’…nope, I take it one step further.  I shouldn’t even be typing this.  Okay fine, sometimeswhenIwanttofeel100%comfortableandcozyIliketowearmaternityunderwear.  There, I said.  I have 2 pairs that I’ve secretly horded from my old maternity stash (technically, the last time I should have worn them was March of ’08), and I save them for special occasions.  ‘Special’, as in, I have just taken a bath, and the only plans for the night require that I eat ice cream and sit on the couch.  There’s something about having underwear so big it tucks up under your boobs that I find comforting.

I’m thinking of starting a private facebook group for other giantpantywearing ladies…we don’t have to say much…maybe just the occasional, “Hey, wearing the bigguns today, feeling great!“  Or else, “whoops, accidentally wore the massive undies to Walmart today…hope no one noticed that my panty line ends about mid-nip”.  Stuff like that.  Let me know if you want in, I’ll get things organized.

Geesh, I feel bad even putting anyone’s pretty family picture up after that little scene.  Ack, the Eden Valley girls won’t mind, right?  Last fall was beautiful, but we did have some rough weather here and there…after a few re-schedules…I headed out west to Eden Valley to photograph 2 different families…I love this little town~they’re good peoples.  Who want to join my private undies club.

The day was horribly windy, but we found a few spots that worked well!

Hello, pretty teal and grey combo~I told this mama she needed to re-do her living room to match these images

Quick outfit change….these girls were so good!

Next family…this one was tough…our location was not as sheltered as the last one, and we were fffffreeeeezing.  These poor girls (huh, just realized that each family has 3 daughters…God help them) were not thrilled to be out in the field while the icy wind whipped around~but they stuck it out and I actually love how their session turned out!

This is still one of my favorites…something about it that I love   I think they were smiling cuz I said, “sessions over, run to your car!”

And so, I leave you instead with the top 5 things I learned in Riley’s kindergarten class today (I occasionally volunteer in his classroom).

5.  If you are sarcastic with a bunch of 5 & 6 yr old’s…they will throw it right back at ya.  “No…you are.  No….you are!”  A losing battle.

4.  Working a copy machine is not like riding a bike…if you haven’t used one in awhile, prepare to waste a lot of paper.

3.  Butterflies do not pop out of cocoons, and a spider is not an insect.  Who knew?  My son is getting his money’s worth!

2.  Children will attack when you are at your most vulnerable…during craft time, one little girl found a single sample of a maxi pad in a ‘Parents magazine’ that we were cutting pictures out of…she wouldn’t let up, “But what is it?  What does it do?  It feels squishy”   Lalalalalalalalala, I can’t hear you.

1.  I learned that Korey and I should never hail a cab in New York…because with our luck we would get in, the lights would start flashing, and the driver would announce that we were on Cash Cab.    Okay, that had nothing to do with Kindergarten…we just watched the show ‘cash cab’ tonight, and we were pretty much 0 for 30 on correct answers.  We’ve made a pact to only take buses, subways  & limos when we jet set around NY.  We won’t let our lack of random trivia fact knowledge slow us down.

Maybe you noticed in the title…it says Mankato…this family took quite a little country drive to see me~I was honored!  Another photog mama~she was so calm considering she has 3 little boys under the age of 4~and they all did awesome   Thanks again for coming up this way!

Oh this little chunk was so stinkin cute…look at those cheeks!

This time it happened in the school parking lot.  I opened the sliding door, threw Riley’s backpack inside, then told them to climb in.  Lucy and Riley both got inside, meanwhile, I was being called (by my maiden name) from across the parking lot.  Some old family friends happened to be there picking up their grandchild.  I no sooner said, ‘hello’ when both of my kids started shouting at me, “MOMMY, you put us in someone else’s van!!”.  So now, not only do I have old friends watching this debacle, but I’m pretty sure the rightful owner of that van is heading towards us.  I quickly slam the sliding door shut (hello, don’t they lock their doors?), and hustle the kids to the correct town&country, 3 spaces down.  You know…when we purchased our new van last year, we chose the color ‘blackberry pearl’…and thought, ‘wow, we are so original, we will be the only people with this beautiful navy blue color’…turns out, once the showroom lights aren’t glaring on it, it pretty much looks like all the other dark blue/dark grey/black/dark green mini vans out there.  Go figure.

Korey is constantly horrified by the fact that I mistake our vehicle all. the. time.  I estimate that I try and unlock the wrong van at least once every 2 weeks.  Sometimes more.  Is it a female thing?  Where is my mind at that I can not identify our $20,000 purchase?  Perhaps some giant fuzzy dice or a dashboard hula girl would trigger my instincts…something big and obvious that says, “Kelly, you have arrived at the correct destination.”   Makes me wonder…how often have strangers unknowingly sat in MY van?

Allrighty, we are still in October on the blog…this family session was so fun~their mom is a fellow photographer…I love when photographers book me…for one thing the families are always dressed fabulously…for another, they are used to having camera’s shoved in their face

Something about this next picture that I just love…

And this is when you know you’re done…ever single person makes me laugh in this last shot.

Last week, poor Lucy was supposed to research a topic at home using books, magazines and the internet.  We’ve got internet (obv)…books, not so much.  Unless I let her peruse my collection of Nora Roberts, Stephanie Meyers and Rachel Gibson…I thought encyclopedias were a thing of the past…but maybe they still have their uses?  I do own a dictionary…I use it to raise up my laptop when I’m working and want to see the screen a bit higher…is that ironic?  Could I use the word irony here…or is that stretch?  Maybe I could use the word Virony.  Confuse the heck out of all ya’ll.

Super stylish and cute family on the blog today.  I’m going to throw out a request that all girls be photographed in matilda jane clothing at least once a year…and all dad’s wear cool hats and/or faux hawks for the occasion.  Are we all on the same page?  Anyone feeling vironic?

Just when I thought the whole ‘I’d like to raise chickens’ idea was properly squashed…Korey brought it up again last night.

Korey:  I’m going to call a guy I know who raises chickens…I’m just gonna see how much work it really is.

Me:  Ummm, what?

Korey:  I just think it would be so awesome to have fresh eggs everyday…and the kids would love playing with them.

Me:  Are you joking?  We don’t even eat eggs very often…and the kids are not going to play with chickens…hello, bird-flu?

Korey:  You wouldn’t even have to do anything…maybe you could just collect the eggs in the morning…and put the chickens back in their pen before your customers come over for a session…I know~ you could sell the extra eggs to your customers!

Me:  (eyes bugging out of my head)  We are not getting chickens…chickens are a gateway animal…before you know it, I’ll have goats & cows on my porch.

Korey:  I wasn’t going to mention the cows yet…I thought we could wait a year or two for that.

Me:  Please stop talking.

What’s happening in my world?  When I met Kor he used to wear Purple Girbaud jeans, basketball jerseys, and listen to 2 Pac (while still maintaining his white boy from Buffalo image).  Now it’s all Carhartt pants, true value work shirts & Toby Keith.  I did not sign up to be a farmers wife.  So help me, if anything more exotic than a yellow lab shows up in my yard…shiz is gonna hit the fan.  Today he actually called me to tell me that he saw a sign for ‘Free Cute Goats‘ on his way to work.  Maybe chickens are the least of my worries.

Allrighty, back to Minneapolis we go for another family session…This was such a sweet family~I love them!  We had beautiful & warm (but crazy windy) weather this day, and the color around Cedar Lake was perfect!  Whenever I meet clients at a location I’ve never shot at before, I like to arrive early and scope out some good spots to shoot in.  I found an ideal little nook with perfect color and lots of shelter from the wind.  I went back to my car to wait for the family to arrive.  Just as they pulled in, a huge school bus drove up & parked in front of me.  No less than 45 high school kids poured out of the bus…and headed right for my perfect nook to work on a science project    Oh well, we made it work in a spot nearby!

I had to include this next picture of the family…their dad was totally into the whole ‘portrait taking‘ experience   Apparently, he’s kind of a big deal in the music industry…which REALLY made me wish I had cut a demo of myself singing…I would have slipped him a tape during our session.  I’m kidding, I don’t sing…I just wanted to use the phrase ‘cut a demo’…it felt good.